Not Going Out (2006) s07e06 Episode Script
Alcohol
# We're not going out # Not staying in # Just hanging around With my head in a spin # But there is no need to scream and shout # We're not going out We are not going out.
Dad.
Dad, wake up.
Last orders at the bar, please.
I'm coming, I'm coming.
It's like watching a caterpillar giving birth to a weasel.
You need to get a new sofa.
You've got an annoying lump in this one.
Dad, it's been over a week.
When are you going back to live with your latest floozy? I've told you, I can't go back to hers.
It's over.
She said some very hurtful things.
What words could be so hurtful that it would prevent you from ever walking through someone's front door again? I'll tell you what she said.
Hang on, let me get a pen.
Listen, Lee, I've been thinking about your dad all day.
Nothing to be ashamed of.
I spend many hours thinking about your mum.
He can't stay here for ever you know.
We need to find a long-term solution.
I tried that last night but he woke up while I was holding the pillow over his face.
He seems to be getting worse lately.
Getting in to fights, telling lies, stealing things.
What do you think's causing it? Well, you don't have to be a genius.
Why do you think I'm asking you? It's because he's an idiot.
No.
Try alcohol.
Well, I'd love to but my dad's drank it all.
Exactly.
Lee, your dad's an alcoholic.
No, he isn't.
Of course he is.
Lee you've said it yourself many times.
No, I haven't.
I've said, "My dad likes a drink.
" I've said, "My dad is a drunken buffoon.
" I've even gone as far as saying he's an addled old pisshead.
Yeah, I remember you saying all of those.
It was a hell of a speech to celebrate his 70th.
We don't have alcoholics in my family.
We just have characters.
Colourful characters.
Your problem is, you don't get it because you're English.
Oh, is that right, Mr Ling Po Chung? My family on my dad's side are Scottish.
That's all it is.
Ah, well that's all right, then, isn't it? I mean after all, whoever heard of an alcoholic Scotsman? It's a cultural thing.
my grandad was a drinker.
He drank himself into the grave.
Well, there you go.
It wasn't his grave.
No, he was taking a short cut through the cemetery on his way home from the pub.
See, characters.
Why can't you just admit your dad's an alcoholic? Because he's not.
Lee, you need to face up to this and do something about it.
Lucy, let it drop.
He's not an alcoholic.
End of story.
Did you order anything from Ocado? Dad left early today.
Not surprising when you see what I found in the flat this morning.
Bit harsh, she's got feelings.
Frank urinated on Lucy's yucca plant last night when he was drunk.
Yes, Lee, that is what your non-alcoholic father did.
Oh, right I see.
So now he's MY father, is he? Hopefully, a man urinating wherever he chooses is 100% proof.
Don't tell him that, he'll try and drink it.
So, do you now accept that your dad's an alcoholic? Fine.
If it means we can chuck him out the flat.
We can't just chuck him out, Lee.
Your dad's going to drink himself to death.
We need to help him.
Daisy's has a good idea.
I'll get the bunting.
We're going to stage an intervention.
I'm sorry to be rude, Daisy, but where do you fit in to all this? Because I've got experience.
We did one to get my cousin off cannabis and it worked.
Admittedly he now spends a lot more time on the crack pipe.
But I've learned from that intervention and I won't make the same mistake again.
What mistake? Well, this time I won't say, "If you promise to stop smoking cannabis I'll buy you a crack pipe.
" Now, it's very important that your dad is sober when we do this.
Good luck with that.
You'll have to catch him early.
How early? I'd say any time before about 1960.
So what is an intervention? It's where you sit the person down and confront them with all the things they've done wrong.
Oh, I thought that was called a landlady.
Hi, Frank.
Come and sit down? Why? Because we need to talk to you.
Is it about that tenner I took from the fruit bowl? No.
Is it about Lee's clean underwear going missing? No.
Sit down and I'll tell you what it's about.
No, let him keep guessing, I'm learning a lot here.
What's in the bag? Lucy sent me out to get milk.
Why's it clanking? Did you take your own pail down to the dairy? They didn't have semi-skimmed, so I got four cans of Stella.
Look, Frank, I'll get straight to the point.
We know you've always liked a drink, but lately we think it's taking over your life.
It's costing you so much, in many ways, and we want to help you.
Do you? Yeah, we do.
Well, that means a lot.
Because I do need help.
A bit of beer money till I get through to giro day.
Right, I think you might have misunderstood where we're coming from.
Look, Frank, there's no easy way to say this.
Yes, there is.
A very easy way.
Dad, you're an alkie.
An absolute first class drunken, addled, wino.
You're right.
This does feel pretty good.
You're also a dishonest, lying, thieving bastard.
Can we do this every week? Can I just stop you there, actually, Lee, because this isn't about making accusations.
We talk about how Frank's behaviour makes us feel.
So, "I feel betrayed, or "I feel intimidated", that sort of thing.
OK.
Dad, I feel like you're a dishonest, lying, thieving bastard.
That's much better.
Well done.
Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you all, but you're wasting your time.
I am not an alcoholic.
Aw.
That's a shame.
We were so sure you were.
I'm afraid we don't agree, Frank.
And neither does my yucca plant.
Oh that.
It helps them to grow.
If that was true, the number of times you've wet yourself, you'd be eight foot four.
Lee, perhaps you should tell your dad how his drinking has affected you over the years.
Maybe start with your childhood.
OK, one of my earliest memories is of you downing a can of lager in one at a party.
I remember that.
Was it me 30th? Yeah.
Your 30th can.
So, whose birthday was it? It was mine.
My fifth birthday.
Oh.
At least your father was there for you.
He wasn't at a single one of my birthday parties.
Were you, Frank? Why would he be? Oh, but it's OK when you say it.
Well, I'd like to thank you all for your concern but I think it's a load of bollocks.
Can I have a drink now? No, Frank.
We all want you to get well.
But if you insist on killing yourself, we won't be a part of that.
I'm afraid if you won't seek help, then you'll have to leave the flat.
Lee? Surely my own son's not going to turn his back on me? With some people, you have to be cruel to be kind.
With others people, you have to be cruel just because it sort of feels good.
Look, the point is if you do seek help, then you're welcome to stay here for as long as you want.
Hang on.
I never agreed to that.
So what do you say, Frank? What do you mean, seek help exactly? Well, I've found a place that does group sessions for people with drink problems.
I've told them to expect you.
If I said, "No", would you really throw me out? I afraid we'd have to.
It's for your own good.
Where would I go? Don't worry, you can come and stay with me if you like, Frank, I've got bags of room.
Daisy, it's supposed to be a threat.
Oh, yeah.
Well, you can come and stay with me if you like, Frank.
But if you say, "Yes", I'll kick your head in.
I'm not sure about this.
Come on, Dad, the sooner you do this, the sooner you can fail and we can chuck you out on the street.
Thanks for the support.
Oh, come off it.
You're only here because of the threat of eviction.
You don't think you'll change any more than I do.
Maybe there's another side to me you've never seen.
A more caring and sensitive person who's trying to get out.
Bloody hell, look at the tits on that.
Hi, I'm Karen.
You must be Frank.
Nice to meet you, love.
And well done.
The very fact that you've come here today is half the battle won.
Oh, good.
So if I turn round now and go all the way back home, does that mean I'm fully cured? I want to show you it's possible to get through life without relying on alcohol.
You say that now.
Wait till you've spent ten minutes with him.
Frank's been gone seven hours.
Do you think everything's all right? He'll be in the pub.
You don't have much faith in your dad, do you? You never know, he might have seen the light.
Well, as long as he walks towards it.
I drank alcohol once.
Once? All right! No need to judge, I'm only human.
I haven't drunk since, though, it put me off for life.
Why what happened? Well, I completely blacked up.
You mean blacked out? No, I mean blacked up.
I had a sudden drunken urge to see what it would be like to be Al Jolson.
They found me urinating in a skip, singing Mammy.
Evening all.
Sorry I'm late, you know what it's like when you start listening to birds in the trees and feel the soft breeze caressing your cheek.
See, what did I tell you? Pissed as a fart.
You're right there, Son.
I am drunk.
I'm drunk on life.
I'm drunk on joy.
I'm drunk on hope and possibility.
Is that it? Usually white spirits is on the list.
What happened? They sat me down and told me to list what I drank in a typical week.
Mmm.
I wondered why it took you seven hours.
We chatted a bit and then she told me straight.
Unless I sort myself out, I'll be dead within a year.
Well, don't keep us in suspense, which one have you gone for? I've decided to stop drinking.
Oh, yes! The intervention worked! Oh, Frank, I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles.
Oh, Frank, that's so great.
He's saying all this just so he can carry on dossing in the flat.
You're wrong, son.
In fact, if you must know, I don't want to stay here anymore.
I'm going.
I've been a burden for too long.
Karen has found me a room at the sober house.
Just while I sort myself out.
Well, there's no need to go straightaway, Frank.
At least stay until tomorrow.
No I'd rather get on with it, thanks, love.
So what's the rush? I didn't want to say this, but since you're pushing me.
I've been advised by the group to get myself away from other problem drinkers.
And who are these other problem drinkers? Who do you think? I don't know.
Because I certainly haven't got a drinking problem.
Ooh! That's one of the signs though, isn't it, Frank, denial? Well spotted, love.
I don't drink anywhere near as much as you.
True, because I don't drink.
It's been half a day! Half a day, half a year.
Makes no difference.
Course it does.
I can hold my breath for 20 seconds, doesn't mean I'm a fish.
No, but you drink like one.
Everyone in the group agrees.
Sorry? A bunch of alcoholics think I drink too much? Defensive attitude, another sign.
How many units a week do you drink? I don't know.
Six? Six!? What are they, industrial storage units? Alcoholics drink first thing in the morning.
I never drink in the morning.
Only because you don't get up until noon.
Listen, if there's a problem drinker in this flat, it's you.
I drink sociably, in the pub.
You're a solitary drinker, at home.
That's worse.
Turning on your friends.
Another sign.
What are you talking about? I have a glass of wine with a meal.
I've never met Emil, but clearly he's an alcoholic as well.
Alcoholics hide drink around the house.
You hid that bottle of champagne last week.
I was hiding it from you! Because I knew if you found it, you'd drink it.
Which you did.
I was celebrating.
Celebrating what? Finding a bottle of champagne.
You see, Daisy, this is the kind of conflict and negativity I need to avoid.
Look, this is a silly argument, you two.
Can't we just agree, you're both alcoholics.
There's nothing wrong with the amount I drink.
Me neither.
Well, if you're both so sure you haven't got a problem, you won't mind taking the test, will you? What test? There's no way I'm peeing in a cup.
I did this test with Karen earlier today.
This is what first opened my eyes to the problem.
Right, here we go.
Are You An Alcoholic? No.
Next question.
That wasn't a question, Lee, that's the title of the questionnaire.
Daisy, do you want to score? No! You don't catch me out that easily.
I mean, do the test scores.
It's a point for every yes answer.
Ready? Yes.
One point to Lee.
First question.
Have you ever lost time from work due to drinking? The odd time.
It's a no from me.
That's because you don't work! They might as well ask, have you ever fallen off a camel due to drinking? Well, Lee, have you? Next question.
Are you worried about your alcohol consumption? That's a yes for both, otherwise we wouldn't be doing this in the first place.
Hang on.
It was your idea to do it.
You're the one that's worried.
True.
And that's the next question.
Have others expressed concern about your drinking? Another point for both of you.
OK.
Have you ever done something you regret whilst drunk? No.
Lucy? Not that I remember.
That's two yes's for Lucy.
Why? Next question.
Have you had memory loss due to drinking? Keep going, guys, you're doing really well! Next.
Do you lie to others about your alcohol intake? No.
That's a yes.
No, it's not! This is bollocks, this.
You can stick that questionnaire up your arse.
Next.
Do you become aggressive when asked about your drinking? Point to Lee.
Well, there you are.
If you answered yes to three or more of these questions, you may have a problem with your drinking.
Ah, there you go.
May have a problem.
May.
I haven't.
Neither have I.
OK.
Fine.
I personally think you could benefit from coming to one of our sessions, but it's not for me to judge.
Only you can say if you've got a problem.
Have they got a problem? Yes.
I can't believe we're doing this? We're not alcoholics.
Look, there's no harm in going to one of these sessions, you know, for a laugh.
A laugh? You've got a strange idea of fun if you want to sit round in a circle with a load of winos telling stories about how they're banned from Homebase for drinking paint thinner.
Exactly, and that's why we should go.
To prove we're not as bad as this lot.
I mean if you want to feel young, you hang around in an old people's home.
If you want to feel healthy, you hang round a hospital.
I suppose.
If you want to feel mature and grown-up, you hang round children's playgrounds.
Actually, I'll change that one.
If you want to feel intelligent I chat to you for a while.
OK, everyone, let's make a start.
As you can see, we have two new people joining us today.
Maybe you could introduce yourselves.
Hello, I'm Lee and I'm not an alcoholic.
I know I'm supposed to say, "Hello, I'm Lee and I am an alcoholic", but the fact is, I'm not an alcoholic.
Because, trust me, if I was an alcoholic, I'd be the kind of person that would happily stand in front of other alcoholics and say, "I am an alcoholic.
" But the fact is, I can't say it, because I'm not an alcoholic.
Hi, I'm Lucy.
Yeah, that was probably a better opener.
It's fine, Lee.
There are no rules here about what you should or shouldn't say when you first arrive.
It's just an ice-breaker.
What do you use the ice for? Vodka on the rocks? Right, so there are some rules about what I can say then? Perhaps you could start by telling us why you're here today, Lee.
OK.
If I'm going to be totally honest, we've come here today because we want to prove to ourselves that in comparison to serious drinkers, we haven't really got a problem.
What are you laughing at? Have you just got the vodka on the rocks gag? They're not laughing at you, Lee, they're laughing at themselves.
Because that's what everyone thinks at first.
Shall I tell you who the serious drinkers are, Lee? Rabbits? There's no such thing.
There's drinkers and there's non drinkers.
Full stop.
What? You do quotation marks, I'll do the full stop.
Obviously, some people drink more than others.
Some people drink a couple of glasses of wine with dinner, some drink a bottle of whisky before breakfast.
But both are reliant upon it.
It's just a question of degrees.
Exactly, drinkers at home.
All the same.
But a few swift halves down the pub, I'd say is normal.
Pints.
Whatever, three halves, a pint, it's the same thing.
Maths isn't his strong point.
I still think I drink to a normal degree.
I mean be honest, when you lot were drinking, how much were you knocking back? A bottle of whisky a day? Two bottles? Dougal.
Well, I haven't had a drink for over 30 years.
Oh, my God, you stopped before I even started! But when I was drinking, it was anything up to two bottles of vodka a day.
There you go.
And I remember the exact moment I needed to stop, as well.
It was after I woke up in a Debenhams car park with no memory at all of how I got there.
See.
That has never happened to me.
I'd also lost relationships due to alcohol.
Nah.
Not I.
This is making me feel much better, thank you.
The point is, like you, Lee, it all started with a few pints down the pub.
Halves.
Pints.
Before I knew it, it had got out of hand.
That's the difference.
Ours hasn't got out of hand, has it? Maybe not yet.
Even if it doesn't, it still doesn't mean you can't quit.
There are many people in this group that didn't drink to the extent of Dougal.
Florence? What time's Zebedee getting here? I just used to drink half a bottle of wine every night in front of the telly.
See, Lucy, not everyone finishes them off.
That cork does go back in if you really try hard.
My doctor warned me just one glass of wine a day raises your risk for all sorts of illnesses.
But I ignored him and soon half a bottle became a whole bottle.
Most nights.
Then I got diagnosed with mouth cancer, which they say was very likely a direct result of the alcohol.
Luckily, I got over my illness because they caught it early, but others aren't as lucky.
And that's just the cancers we're talking about.
We haven't even touched on the other problems alcohol can cause, like divorce, homelessness, poverty and domestic violence.
Well, you're right, Lucy.
This is a right laugh, isn't it? Those people were terrifying.
Why? Some of those people were exactly the same as me and you.
That's what was terrifying about them.
Lee, we need to change our drinking habits.
OK.
What if we cut back by exactly half? Really? You stop drinking, I'll carry on.
No.
We both stop.
What, completely? For a while at least.
You know, just to prove we can do it.
All right.
For a while.
Right.
Right, that's proved we can do it.
Fancy a drink? Come on, Lee! We can do this! It's going to be amazing! What time is it? When are you going to stop asking me that question? Oh, I don't know.
Perhaps when you tell me what time it is! It's quarter past five.
That's earlier than when we stopped.
Time's going backwards.
Lee, even when we drank, you never had one this early.
So why can't I stop thinking about it? I'm obsessed.
You're not obsessed.
You're not obsessed with polar bears.
But if I say, "Don't think about polar bears", what can you not help thinking about? Lager.
I'll tell you what we need to do.
We've quit booze, but we need to replace it with something.
Crystal meth? We need to find new interests.
If you make me buy an Airfix kit, I swear to God, I will stick that glue straight up my nose.
# It's happy hour again # I think I might be happy if I wasn't out with them # And they're happy It's a lovely place to be # Happy that the fire is real The barman is a she # Where the haircuts smile # And the meaning of style # Is a night out with the boss # Where you win or you lose # And it's them who choose # And if you don't win you've lost # What a good place to be # Don't believe it # They speak a different language # It's happy hour again # Don't believe it # Happy hour again # No-oh-oh # It's another night out with the boss # Following in footsteps overgrown with moss # And they tell me that women grow on trees # And if you catch them right they'll land upon their knees # Where they open all their wallets # And they close all their minds # And they love to buy you all a drink # And then we ask all the questions # And you take all your clothes off # Go back to the kitchen sink # What a good place to be # Don't believe it # Cos they speak a different language # And it's happy hour again # Don't believe it Oh, no # Cos it's never really happened to me # It's happy hour again # Oh, no # What a good place to be # Don't believe it # Cos they speak a different language # And it's never really happened to me # Don't believe it Oh, no # Cos it's happy hour again # Don't believe her # Don't believe her # It's happy hour again # It's happy hour again and again and again # Happy hour again and again and again Happy hour again.
I'll tell you what, it's simple this not drinking malarkey.
It's been the easiest seven days, and 37 seconds of me life.
Seriously, though, how are you finding it? To be honest, I'm really enjoying it.
Me too.
It was hard at first, but now I love it.
I'm sleeping better, I've got more energy.
I feel great.
You see? Being tee-total like me isn't as bad as it sounds, is it? Especially when there are so many non-alcoholic things you can have like fruit juices, smoothies, Malibu, herbal tea.
Malibu? Yes.
You do know Malibu's alcoholic, don't you, Daisy? Is it? Oh.
I suppose in that case, I'm not technically tee-total after all.
In fact, come to think of it, I might have quite a serious problem.
I always thought that Daisy had a quirky outlook on life.
Turns out she's been pissed all along.
Oh, hi, Karen.
Hi.
I just called by to say well done for all the positive changes you've been making.
Frank's been telling me all about it.
Cheers.
Sorry, is it still all right to say cheers? And it's great news about your dad.
In fact, he's made such good progress at the house, I think he's ready to move on.
Hello, son.
I'm ready to come home.
What? Now that you and Lucy are not drinking, this is a safe environment for Frank.
Exactly like you promised.
Come here, son! Right.
There's just one small thing.
What's that? I've had a relapse.
Ugh.
I hate whisky.
Sorry about throwing up in your Yucca.
Still, it worked and we got rid of my dad.
It's quiet here without him.
Maybe we should get a dog.
I don't think that would replace him.
It'd stop him coming back.
Where do you think he's gone? Back to the sober house, I guess.
Probably for the best.
It's better that he's surrounded by his own types.
Actually, I'll check the zoo as well.
So you're going to start drinking again? Well, maybe the odd one, just to be sociable.
Sociable? Since when did going down on all fours and puking in a pot plant become sociable? You've never been to a christening up north.
What about your dad? Do you think he'll stick with it? Well, even if he just cuts back, I mean it's a start.
What about you? Well, I might have the odd one.
You know, just so you're not drinking on your own.
But things like having a glass of wine in the bath every night is going to stop.
Me too.
You never have a bath.
You mean, no more cans of Special Brew when you're having an all over flannel wash on a Thursday? Fancy a drink? OK, but let's have a non-alcoholic one, yeah? Of course.
I'll go and get the Malibu.
# We're not going out # Not staying in # Just hanging around with my head in a spin # But there is no need to scream and shout # We're not going out We are not going out.
Dad.
Dad, wake up.
Last orders at the bar, please.
I'm coming, I'm coming.
It's like watching a caterpillar giving birth to a weasel.
You need to get a new sofa.
You've got an annoying lump in this one.
Dad, it's been over a week.
When are you going back to live with your latest floozy? I've told you, I can't go back to hers.
It's over.
She said some very hurtful things.
What words could be so hurtful that it would prevent you from ever walking through someone's front door again? I'll tell you what she said.
Hang on, let me get a pen.
Listen, Lee, I've been thinking about your dad all day.
Nothing to be ashamed of.
I spend many hours thinking about your mum.
He can't stay here for ever you know.
We need to find a long-term solution.
I tried that last night but he woke up while I was holding the pillow over his face.
He seems to be getting worse lately.
Getting in to fights, telling lies, stealing things.
What do you think's causing it? Well, you don't have to be a genius.
Why do you think I'm asking you? It's because he's an idiot.
No.
Try alcohol.
Well, I'd love to but my dad's drank it all.
Exactly.
Lee, your dad's an alcoholic.
No, he isn't.
Of course he is.
Lee you've said it yourself many times.
No, I haven't.
I've said, "My dad likes a drink.
" I've said, "My dad is a drunken buffoon.
" I've even gone as far as saying he's an addled old pisshead.
Yeah, I remember you saying all of those.
It was a hell of a speech to celebrate his 70th.
We don't have alcoholics in my family.
We just have characters.
Colourful characters.
Your problem is, you don't get it because you're English.
Oh, is that right, Mr Ling Po Chung? My family on my dad's side are Scottish.
That's all it is.
Ah, well that's all right, then, isn't it? I mean after all, whoever heard of an alcoholic Scotsman? It's a cultural thing.
my grandad was a drinker.
He drank himself into the grave.
Well, there you go.
It wasn't his grave.
No, he was taking a short cut through the cemetery on his way home from the pub.
See, characters.
Why can't you just admit your dad's an alcoholic? Because he's not.
Lee, you need to face up to this and do something about it.
Lucy, let it drop.
He's not an alcoholic.
End of story.
Did you order anything from Ocado? Dad left early today.
Not surprising when you see what I found in the flat this morning.
Bit harsh, she's got feelings.
Frank urinated on Lucy's yucca plant last night when he was drunk.
Yes, Lee, that is what your non-alcoholic father did.
Oh, right I see.
So now he's MY father, is he? Hopefully, a man urinating wherever he chooses is 100% proof.
Don't tell him that, he'll try and drink it.
So, do you now accept that your dad's an alcoholic? Fine.
If it means we can chuck him out the flat.
We can't just chuck him out, Lee.
Your dad's going to drink himself to death.
We need to help him.
Daisy's has a good idea.
I'll get the bunting.
We're going to stage an intervention.
I'm sorry to be rude, Daisy, but where do you fit in to all this? Because I've got experience.
We did one to get my cousin off cannabis and it worked.
Admittedly he now spends a lot more time on the crack pipe.
But I've learned from that intervention and I won't make the same mistake again.
What mistake? Well, this time I won't say, "If you promise to stop smoking cannabis I'll buy you a crack pipe.
" Now, it's very important that your dad is sober when we do this.
Good luck with that.
You'll have to catch him early.
How early? I'd say any time before about 1960.
So what is an intervention? It's where you sit the person down and confront them with all the things they've done wrong.
Oh, I thought that was called a landlady.
Hi, Frank.
Come and sit down? Why? Because we need to talk to you.
Is it about that tenner I took from the fruit bowl? No.
Is it about Lee's clean underwear going missing? No.
Sit down and I'll tell you what it's about.
No, let him keep guessing, I'm learning a lot here.
What's in the bag? Lucy sent me out to get milk.
Why's it clanking? Did you take your own pail down to the dairy? They didn't have semi-skimmed, so I got four cans of Stella.
Look, Frank, I'll get straight to the point.
We know you've always liked a drink, but lately we think it's taking over your life.
It's costing you so much, in many ways, and we want to help you.
Do you? Yeah, we do.
Well, that means a lot.
Because I do need help.
A bit of beer money till I get through to giro day.
Right, I think you might have misunderstood where we're coming from.
Look, Frank, there's no easy way to say this.
Yes, there is.
A very easy way.
Dad, you're an alkie.
An absolute first class drunken, addled, wino.
You're right.
This does feel pretty good.
You're also a dishonest, lying, thieving bastard.
Can we do this every week? Can I just stop you there, actually, Lee, because this isn't about making accusations.
We talk about how Frank's behaviour makes us feel.
So, "I feel betrayed, or "I feel intimidated", that sort of thing.
OK.
Dad, I feel like you're a dishonest, lying, thieving bastard.
That's much better.
Well done.
Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you all, but you're wasting your time.
I am not an alcoholic.
Aw.
That's a shame.
We were so sure you were.
I'm afraid we don't agree, Frank.
And neither does my yucca plant.
Oh that.
It helps them to grow.
If that was true, the number of times you've wet yourself, you'd be eight foot four.
Lee, perhaps you should tell your dad how his drinking has affected you over the years.
Maybe start with your childhood.
OK, one of my earliest memories is of you downing a can of lager in one at a party.
I remember that.
Was it me 30th? Yeah.
Your 30th can.
So, whose birthday was it? It was mine.
My fifth birthday.
Oh.
At least your father was there for you.
He wasn't at a single one of my birthday parties.
Were you, Frank? Why would he be? Oh, but it's OK when you say it.
Well, I'd like to thank you all for your concern but I think it's a load of bollocks.
Can I have a drink now? No, Frank.
We all want you to get well.
But if you insist on killing yourself, we won't be a part of that.
I'm afraid if you won't seek help, then you'll have to leave the flat.
Lee? Surely my own son's not going to turn his back on me? With some people, you have to be cruel to be kind.
With others people, you have to be cruel just because it sort of feels good.
Look, the point is if you do seek help, then you're welcome to stay here for as long as you want.
Hang on.
I never agreed to that.
So what do you say, Frank? What do you mean, seek help exactly? Well, I've found a place that does group sessions for people with drink problems.
I've told them to expect you.
If I said, "No", would you really throw me out? I afraid we'd have to.
It's for your own good.
Where would I go? Don't worry, you can come and stay with me if you like, Frank, I've got bags of room.
Daisy, it's supposed to be a threat.
Oh, yeah.
Well, you can come and stay with me if you like, Frank.
But if you say, "Yes", I'll kick your head in.
I'm not sure about this.
Come on, Dad, the sooner you do this, the sooner you can fail and we can chuck you out on the street.
Thanks for the support.
Oh, come off it.
You're only here because of the threat of eviction.
You don't think you'll change any more than I do.
Maybe there's another side to me you've never seen.
A more caring and sensitive person who's trying to get out.
Bloody hell, look at the tits on that.
Hi, I'm Karen.
You must be Frank.
Nice to meet you, love.
And well done.
The very fact that you've come here today is half the battle won.
Oh, good.
So if I turn round now and go all the way back home, does that mean I'm fully cured? I want to show you it's possible to get through life without relying on alcohol.
You say that now.
Wait till you've spent ten minutes with him.
Frank's been gone seven hours.
Do you think everything's all right? He'll be in the pub.
You don't have much faith in your dad, do you? You never know, he might have seen the light.
Well, as long as he walks towards it.
I drank alcohol once.
Once? All right! No need to judge, I'm only human.
I haven't drunk since, though, it put me off for life.
Why what happened? Well, I completely blacked up.
You mean blacked out? No, I mean blacked up.
I had a sudden drunken urge to see what it would be like to be Al Jolson.
They found me urinating in a skip, singing Mammy.
Evening all.
Sorry I'm late, you know what it's like when you start listening to birds in the trees and feel the soft breeze caressing your cheek.
See, what did I tell you? Pissed as a fart.
You're right there, Son.
I am drunk.
I'm drunk on life.
I'm drunk on joy.
I'm drunk on hope and possibility.
Is that it? Usually white spirits is on the list.
What happened? They sat me down and told me to list what I drank in a typical week.
Mmm.
I wondered why it took you seven hours.
We chatted a bit and then she told me straight.
Unless I sort myself out, I'll be dead within a year.
Well, don't keep us in suspense, which one have you gone for? I've decided to stop drinking.
Oh, yes! The intervention worked! Oh, Frank, I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles.
Oh, Frank, that's so great.
He's saying all this just so he can carry on dossing in the flat.
You're wrong, son.
In fact, if you must know, I don't want to stay here anymore.
I'm going.
I've been a burden for too long.
Karen has found me a room at the sober house.
Just while I sort myself out.
Well, there's no need to go straightaway, Frank.
At least stay until tomorrow.
No I'd rather get on with it, thanks, love.
So what's the rush? I didn't want to say this, but since you're pushing me.
I've been advised by the group to get myself away from other problem drinkers.
And who are these other problem drinkers? Who do you think? I don't know.
Because I certainly haven't got a drinking problem.
Ooh! That's one of the signs though, isn't it, Frank, denial? Well spotted, love.
I don't drink anywhere near as much as you.
True, because I don't drink.
It's been half a day! Half a day, half a year.
Makes no difference.
Course it does.
I can hold my breath for 20 seconds, doesn't mean I'm a fish.
No, but you drink like one.
Everyone in the group agrees.
Sorry? A bunch of alcoholics think I drink too much? Defensive attitude, another sign.
How many units a week do you drink? I don't know.
Six? Six!? What are they, industrial storage units? Alcoholics drink first thing in the morning.
I never drink in the morning.
Only because you don't get up until noon.
Listen, if there's a problem drinker in this flat, it's you.
I drink sociably, in the pub.
You're a solitary drinker, at home.
That's worse.
Turning on your friends.
Another sign.
What are you talking about? I have a glass of wine with a meal.
I've never met Emil, but clearly he's an alcoholic as well.
Alcoholics hide drink around the house.
You hid that bottle of champagne last week.
I was hiding it from you! Because I knew if you found it, you'd drink it.
Which you did.
I was celebrating.
Celebrating what? Finding a bottle of champagne.
You see, Daisy, this is the kind of conflict and negativity I need to avoid.
Look, this is a silly argument, you two.
Can't we just agree, you're both alcoholics.
There's nothing wrong with the amount I drink.
Me neither.
Well, if you're both so sure you haven't got a problem, you won't mind taking the test, will you? What test? There's no way I'm peeing in a cup.
I did this test with Karen earlier today.
This is what first opened my eyes to the problem.
Right, here we go.
Are You An Alcoholic? No.
Next question.
That wasn't a question, Lee, that's the title of the questionnaire.
Daisy, do you want to score? No! You don't catch me out that easily.
I mean, do the test scores.
It's a point for every yes answer.
Ready? Yes.
One point to Lee.
First question.
Have you ever lost time from work due to drinking? The odd time.
It's a no from me.
That's because you don't work! They might as well ask, have you ever fallen off a camel due to drinking? Well, Lee, have you? Next question.
Are you worried about your alcohol consumption? That's a yes for both, otherwise we wouldn't be doing this in the first place.
Hang on.
It was your idea to do it.
You're the one that's worried.
True.
And that's the next question.
Have others expressed concern about your drinking? Another point for both of you.
OK.
Have you ever done something you regret whilst drunk? No.
Lucy? Not that I remember.
That's two yes's for Lucy.
Why? Next question.
Have you had memory loss due to drinking? Keep going, guys, you're doing really well! Next.
Do you lie to others about your alcohol intake? No.
That's a yes.
No, it's not! This is bollocks, this.
You can stick that questionnaire up your arse.
Next.
Do you become aggressive when asked about your drinking? Point to Lee.
Well, there you are.
If you answered yes to three or more of these questions, you may have a problem with your drinking.
Ah, there you go.
May have a problem.
May.
I haven't.
Neither have I.
OK.
Fine.
I personally think you could benefit from coming to one of our sessions, but it's not for me to judge.
Only you can say if you've got a problem.
Have they got a problem? Yes.
I can't believe we're doing this? We're not alcoholics.
Look, there's no harm in going to one of these sessions, you know, for a laugh.
A laugh? You've got a strange idea of fun if you want to sit round in a circle with a load of winos telling stories about how they're banned from Homebase for drinking paint thinner.
Exactly, and that's why we should go.
To prove we're not as bad as this lot.
I mean if you want to feel young, you hang around in an old people's home.
If you want to feel healthy, you hang round a hospital.
I suppose.
If you want to feel mature and grown-up, you hang round children's playgrounds.
Actually, I'll change that one.
If you want to feel intelligent I chat to you for a while.
OK, everyone, let's make a start.
As you can see, we have two new people joining us today.
Maybe you could introduce yourselves.
Hello, I'm Lee and I'm not an alcoholic.
I know I'm supposed to say, "Hello, I'm Lee and I am an alcoholic", but the fact is, I'm not an alcoholic.
Because, trust me, if I was an alcoholic, I'd be the kind of person that would happily stand in front of other alcoholics and say, "I am an alcoholic.
" But the fact is, I can't say it, because I'm not an alcoholic.
Hi, I'm Lucy.
Yeah, that was probably a better opener.
It's fine, Lee.
There are no rules here about what you should or shouldn't say when you first arrive.
It's just an ice-breaker.
What do you use the ice for? Vodka on the rocks? Right, so there are some rules about what I can say then? Perhaps you could start by telling us why you're here today, Lee.
OK.
If I'm going to be totally honest, we've come here today because we want to prove to ourselves that in comparison to serious drinkers, we haven't really got a problem.
What are you laughing at? Have you just got the vodka on the rocks gag? They're not laughing at you, Lee, they're laughing at themselves.
Because that's what everyone thinks at first.
Shall I tell you who the serious drinkers are, Lee? Rabbits? There's no such thing.
There's drinkers and there's non drinkers.
Full stop.
What? You do quotation marks, I'll do the full stop.
Obviously, some people drink more than others.
Some people drink a couple of glasses of wine with dinner, some drink a bottle of whisky before breakfast.
But both are reliant upon it.
It's just a question of degrees.
Exactly, drinkers at home.
All the same.
But a few swift halves down the pub, I'd say is normal.
Pints.
Whatever, three halves, a pint, it's the same thing.
Maths isn't his strong point.
I still think I drink to a normal degree.
I mean be honest, when you lot were drinking, how much were you knocking back? A bottle of whisky a day? Two bottles? Dougal.
Well, I haven't had a drink for over 30 years.
Oh, my God, you stopped before I even started! But when I was drinking, it was anything up to two bottles of vodka a day.
There you go.
And I remember the exact moment I needed to stop, as well.
It was after I woke up in a Debenhams car park with no memory at all of how I got there.
See.
That has never happened to me.
I'd also lost relationships due to alcohol.
Nah.
Not I.
This is making me feel much better, thank you.
The point is, like you, Lee, it all started with a few pints down the pub.
Halves.
Pints.
Before I knew it, it had got out of hand.
That's the difference.
Ours hasn't got out of hand, has it? Maybe not yet.
Even if it doesn't, it still doesn't mean you can't quit.
There are many people in this group that didn't drink to the extent of Dougal.
Florence? What time's Zebedee getting here? I just used to drink half a bottle of wine every night in front of the telly.
See, Lucy, not everyone finishes them off.
That cork does go back in if you really try hard.
My doctor warned me just one glass of wine a day raises your risk for all sorts of illnesses.
But I ignored him and soon half a bottle became a whole bottle.
Most nights.
Then I got diagnosed with mouth cancer, which they say was very likely a direct result of the alcohol.
Luckily, I got over my illness because they caught it early, but others aren't as lucky.
And that's just the cancers we're talking about.
We haven't even touched on the other problems alcohol can cause, like divorce, homelessness, poverty and domestic violence.
Well, you're right, Lucy.
This is a right laugh, isn't it? Those people were terrifying.
Why? Some of those people were exactly the same as me and you.
That's what was terrifying about them.
Lee, we need to change our drinking habits.
OK.
What if we cut back by exactly half? Really? You stop drinking, I'll carry on.
No.
We both stop.
What, completely? For a while at least.
You know, just to prove we can do it.
All right.
For a while.
Right.
Right, that's proved we can do it.
Fancy a drink? Come on, Lee! We can do this! It's going to be amazing! What time is it? When are you going to stop asking me that question? Oh, I don't know.
Perhaps when you tell me what time it is! It's quarter past five.
That's earlier than when we stopped.
Time's going backwards.
Lee, even when we drank, you never had one this early.
So why can't I stop thinking about it? I'm obsessed.
You're not obsessed.
You're not obsessed with polar bears.
But if I say, "Don't think about polar bears", what can you not help thinking about? Lager.
I'll tell you what we need to do.
We've quit booze, but we need to replace it with something.
Crystal meth? We need to find new interests.
If you make me buy an Airfix kit, I swear to God, I will stick that glue straight up my nose.
# It's happy hour again # I think I might be happy if I wasn't out with them # And they're happy It's a lovely place to be # Happy that the fire is real The barman is a she # Where the haircuts smile # And the meaning of style # Is a night out with the boss # Where you win or you lose # And it's them who choose # And if you don't win you've lost # What a good place to be # Don't believe it # They speak a different language # It's happy hour again # Don't believe it # Happy hour again # No-oh-oh # It's another night out with the boss # Following in footsteps overgrown with moss # And they tell me that women grow on trees # And if you catch them right they'll land upon their knees # Where they open all their wallets # And they close all their minds # And they love to buy you all a drink # And then we ask all the questions # And you take all your clothes off # Go back to the kitchen sink # What a good place to be # Don't believe it # Cos they speak a different language # And it's happy hour again # Don't believe it Oh, no # Cos it's never really happened to me # It's happy hour again # Oh, no # What a good place to be # Don't believe it # Cos they speak a different language # And it's never really happened to me # Don't believe it Oh, no # Cos it's happy hour again # Don't believe her # Don't believe her # It's happy hour again # It's happy hour again and again and again # Happy hour again and again and again Happy hour again.
I'll tell you what, it's simple this not drinking malarkey.
It's been the easiest seven days, and 37 seconds of me life.
Seriously, though, how are you finding it? To be honest, I'm really enjoying it.
Me too.
It was hard at first, but now I love it.
I'm sleeping better, I've got more energy.
I feel great.
You see? Being tee-total like me isn't as bad as it sounds, is it? Especially when there are so many non-alcoholic things you can have like fruit juices, smoothies, Malibu, herbal tea.
Malibu? Yes.
You do know Malibu's alcoholic, don't you, Daisy? Is it? Oh.
I suppose in that case, I'm not technically tee-total after all.
In fact, come to think of it, I might have quite a serious problem.
I always thought that Daisy had a quirky outlook on life.
Turns out she's been pissed all along.
Oh, hi, Karen.
Hi.
I just called by to say well done for all the positive changes you've been making.
Frank's been telling me all about it.
Cheers.
Sorry, is it still all right to say cheers? And it's great news about your dad.
In fact, he's made such good progress at the house, I think he's ready to move on.
Hello, son.
I'm ready to come home.
What? Now that you and Lucy are not drinking, this is a safe environment for Frank.
Exactly like you promised.
Come here, son! Right.
There's just one small thing.
What's that? I've had a relapse.
Ugh.
I hate whisky.
Sorry about throwing up in your Yucca.
Still, it worked and we got rid of my dad.
It's quiet here without him.
Maybe we should get a dog.
I don't think that would replace him.
It'd stop him coming back.
Where do you think he's gone? Back to the sober house, I guess.
Probably for the best.
It's better that he's surrounded by his own types.
Actually, I'll check the zoo as well.
So you're going to start drinking again? Well, maybe the odd one, just to be sociable.
Sociable? Since when did going down on all fours and puking in a pot plant become sociable? You've never been to a christening up north.
What about your dad? Do you think he'll stick with it? Well, even if he just cuts back, I mean it's a start.
What about you? Well, I might have the odd one.
You know, just so you're not drinking on your own.
But things like having a glass of wine in the bath every night is going to stop.
Me too.
You never have a bath.
You mean, no more cans of Special Brew when you're having an all over flannel wash on a Thursday? Fancy a drink? OK, but let's have a non-alcoholic one, yeah? Of course.
I'll go and get the Malibu.
# We're not going out # Not staying in # Just hanging around with my head in a spin # But there is no need to scream and shout # We're not going out We are not going out.