Not Going Out (2006) s10e05 Episode Script


1 # We're not going out # Not staying in # Just hanging around with my head in a spin # But there is no need to scream and shout # We're not going out We are not going out.
I've got to go, Mum.
I've got the house to myself and I'm going to watch my favourite TV show, Eyes Of Death.
Talking of which, send love to Dad.
Peace at last.
Sausages? What? Sausages? That's very impressive.
Do you want me to phone Esther Rantzen? If you want to keep telling people you're only 32 you might want to update your references.
I've just put sausages on.
Do you want any? I ate with the kids.
Watching gravy go all over the floor and not in your mouth can be quite distressing .
so that's why I prefer eating with kids.
What did you have? Toad in the hole.
Was it nice? I thought you were in the garage fixing the car.
I tried, but that warning light keeps flashing.
I checked the tyre pressure.
It's not that.
Checked the oil.
It's not that.
Checked the water.
Checked the battery.
Have you tried recalibrating the front suspension pads? Nope because that is a thing you've just made up to make me go away.
Of course, it might be the warning light that's faulty, but how would you ever know? It's not like there's a warning light for a faulty warning light, is there? Maybe they SHOULD have a warning light for the warning light.
Oh, but then you'd need a warning light warning light warning light.
When does it stop? Yeah, when DOES it stop? It keeps flashing away.
It's one of those annoying things that's difficult to ignore.
I tell you what it might be Lee, sorry, but I've really been looking forward to this programme all day, so do you mind if I just.
? Oh.
I'm sorry.
I didn't realise.
What are we watching? It's episode two so it won't make much sense to you.
You won't enjoy it.
When did you watch the first one? The last time I had a whole hour to myself.
I think it was 1997.
Well, you can bring me up to speed as we go along.
Is he meant to be blind? Of course not.
Well, he's wearing dark glasses.
He's driving a car.
He should count his blessings if he is blind.
He won't have to see the annoying flashing warning light.
DOOR OPENS ON TV Ah! Look who it is.
Who? Him.
What? The one with the hat? No, no, no.
I know the one with the hat.
That's, ermthingy.
No, I mean the cop.
He's in that other one that we always watch.
Ah! God.
Fancy him being in it.
Who would have thought that a professional actor who has an acting role in one programme would also get an acting role in another programme? Well, it's his job.
You wouldn't point to a bloke up a set of ladders with a bucket in his hand and say, "Fancy that, it's the window cleaner.
"I saw him cleaning some different windows the other day.
How weird.
" Sorry, but it's just this is quite hard to follow.
You have to pay attention.
There's lots of politics in it.
I'll shut up so we can concentrate.
HE CRUNCHES LOUDLY What was that other politics one that I gave up watching? The news? It's bloody irritating me now.
What is his name? I don't know.
You do.
I don't.
Of course you do.
That's right, Lee.
I know the actor's name, but I'm deliberately withholding the information so we can prolong this conversation instead of having a bit of peace and quiet so that I can watch my very special programme.
Oh, sorry, but it's right there.
I know it.
I just can't say his name.
It's really bugging me now.
You at least recognise him, right? Yes.
He's that bloke off the telly who I'm trying to listen to.
But he's not just off the telly.
He's famous off the telly.
He's not just someone like Graham Carpenter.
I know you did that on purpose.
What? You want me to ask who Graham Carpenter is.
Who's Graham Carpenter? Exactly! He's not very well known.
That's my point.
He's off a DFS advert.
Not him.
Graham Carpenter.
I used to play football with him.
He does a bit of acting and he's in a DFS advert.
Please remember to get me his autograph next time you see him.
Knowing Graham, he'll charge you for it.
Although it would be with four years' interest-free credit.
You know, because it's in the deal I got it.
What is his name? I can't believe I can't remember.
He's been in loads of things.
He was in that other one that we watched with her that used to be in Coronation Street.
Oh, what's she called? It's annoying, isn't it? It's bloody infuriating.
Can we just watch it? I think it's got a J in it.
Jesus Christ.
That's not it.
It might be Harris.
I thought you said J.
I'm doing his second name now.
It's an H.
I'm sure of it.
Jesus H Christ? I think it's something Harris Harry Harris? No.
Keith Harris? Keith Harris? It's not him, but it's similar.
I'm sounding it out.
Harri Harris Harrison.
Harrison Harrison Ford.
Fordison Fordi Fordi Oh, I'm going to kick myself.
You'll have to wait your turn.
It's doing my head in.
It's on the tip of my tongue.
I can't believe I can't say it.
Lee, are you seriously going to spend the rest of this programme, my programme, sitting there trying to remember an actor's name? I can feel it coming to me.
Harris Harris Hesus Jesus Oh, I've got Jesus in my head now.
That's your fault.
Go with it.
Close your eyes, move towards the light.
Harib Harid Halib Haribo Oh, you know what? I've just remembered who it is.
Peter Parkinson.
Who? Peter Parky Parkinson.
Very famous.
Been in loads of things.
You're making it up.
He was in Carry On Up The Khyber and won a Bafta for Oops, Vicar, That's My Bum Hole.
I'm starting to think you don't care who it is.
Lee, I don't give a monkey's, but I do care that I'm five minutes into episode two and I've already completely lost track of what's going on.
Well, pay attention.
DOORBELL DINGS ON TV I bet that's him again.
ON TV: Hello.
Oh, it is.
No, sorry, I can't stand this.
I need to remember his name.
What are you doing? I'm seeing who this bloody actor is so you'll shut up.
Don't you dare tell me.
I need to remember it for myself.
Why? Because I need to know I'm capable of a simple task, like remembering an actor that I know really well.
All right.
You've got three seconds.
Three, two, one.
You're not Googling it either.
I'll remember in a minute.
Something will just hit me.
Don't mention him again.
I thought that woman was meant to be an undercover copper.
She is.
So why's she wearing a police uniform? Because she's undercover as a police officer.
She works for a different department investigating that department.
They don't make it easy, do they? It was so much easier understanding it last week.
They're too confusing, these programmes.
Stick to Casualty, I say.
You always know the bloke who dies will be the one sticking a metal fork in a toaster at the start.
Do you know what I mean? No, I don't know what you mean.
Go in the kitchen.
I've got it! Sarah Lancashire.
What? Sarah Lancashire, the woman that used to be in Coronation Street who was in the other thing that we watched that had him in it whose name I can't remember.
Oh, what is the matter with me? Let me write a list.
Look, maybe he's not even famous and that's why you can't name him.
Of course he's famous.
He's chief investigating officer.
You don't give that kind of responsibility to just anyone.
You give that to a Clunes, or an Eccleston, or a Chiwetel Ejiofor.
That's annoying.
How can I remember the name Chiwetel Ejiofor and not this bloke? Oh, what's his name? Not Kevin Whately, I know that.
John Simm, not him either.
It's not David Tennant, or Robson Green.
Sean Bean Christopher Biggins, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Rustie Lee.
What? I though we were listing everyone it isn't.
Barry Gibb, Sooty.
I'm telling you, it's probably just a bit part actor and not even who you think it is.
Well, a bit part actor wouldn't be in it so much, would he? Well, he's not in it now, is he? And he might not be in it again.
Oh, God, he's back! Let it bloody go! I can't! Why can't I say his name? I know him really well.
What is it? It's OK, please.
Please, have as many as you like.
See how many you can fit in your mouth at the same time.
In fact, fit the box in as well.
Just stop talking! I just don't understand why I can't remember his name.
What does it matter? No-one's holding a gun to your head and if they were, it would be me.
You can't remember an actor.
Who cares? I care.
Why can't I remember? Well, maybe it's not your fault.
Maybe it's his.
Maybe he needs to be more memorable, or have a higher profile.
Maybe he needs a new agent.
Perhaps you should have a word with Graham Carpenter.
Ah, you see, you remembered Graham Carpenter's name like that.
My mind, it can't hold on to things recently.
Really? Because it's had a vice-like grip on this bloody subject for the last ten minutes.
Honestly, Lucy, I am worried.
I'm forgetting things more often lately.
Like what? Like I don't know, I can't think of one now.
Give me a moment.
I should be recording this in case it comes up in my trial.
OK, sometimes, I walk into a room and I can't remember what I'm doing there.
That's completely natural.
I have that too.
Do you? Yes.
Every time you walk into a room, I wonder what you're doing there.
Or I'll pick up my phone to check something and I don't know what it is I'm looking for.
That's normal, all these things are normal.
Or I put my underpants on back-to-front and when I go for a wee, I can't find the fly hole.
OK, that one's just you.
And it makes you a very odd person, but it doesn't mean your memory's going.
But I never used to be like this.
When I was a teenager, I could have told you every FA Cup winner from 1972 to 1996, and the goal scorers.
Do you want me to list them? Of course I want you to list them.
You banging on about this actor hasn't quite distracted me from my favourite programme enough and I'm looking for something to fill the void, so of course I want you to tell me who won the FA Cup in 1984.
Goal scorers, Graeme Sharp and Andy Gray.
Now, ask me who won the FA Cup last year.
Go on, ask me.
Go on.
I don't want to.
Why? Because you'll tell me.
Go on.
No! Go on, ask me.
Lee, who the hell won the bastard FA Cup last year? I have not got a clue, despite the fact that I was probably sat here watching it on that TV less than 12 months ago.
I've literally no idea because I can't remember.
So what? I used to be able to tell you if Bananarama were number one in the singles chart every week.
Nowadays, no idea.
Well, I hate to break this to you, but I'm pretty sure they aren't.
Look, just think about it this way.
When you're a 20-year-old, you've only got 20 years' worth of stuff to remember.
You can afford to remember a load of trivia like who won the FA Cup in 1977.
Man United beat Liverpool.
Goal scorers, Stuart Pearson, Jimmy Case, and not, as everyone thinks, Lou Macari.
It was deflected off the chest I don't care.
The point I'm trying to make is that as you've got older, you've subsequently watched loads more TV programmes and read hundreds more books All right, you've watched loads more TV programmes.
and you can't possibly remember it all.
I suppose.
Plus other things come along in life, like a family.
Suddenly, you have to remember what night's karate and what night's swimming and what colour bins go out each week, which in your case is even more tricky because you have to remember which bins don't go out because apparently it's funny to see our neighbour copy you and get it wrong.
Your brain has to make room for all of this by forgetting some of the other less important things, like FA Cup winners and actors' names.
If you can't remember some trivial things on TV, that's actually a sign that your brain's working properly.
That's actually a good point.
Thank you.
I suppose, in a way, it's actually more efficient to forget things when you've got so many other things to remember.
Like birthdays.
Let's not drag that up again.
You don't think it's because I'm getting old? No.
But I tell you what is about getting old.
Having a crisis about things.
It's the same reason you freaked out when you found those grey hairs in the sink, and why you're always poking at your belly fat.
Same reason you're always staring in the mirror trying to tuck your face up behind your ears.
It's not a competition.
So, it's not so much my memory loss as a mid-life crisis.
Which is completely normal.
And less harmful than having an affair with a younger woman.
To think it could be her missing her programme right now instead of me.
Stressing about these things just makes it worse.
Yeah, I suppose.
Under enough stress already with all the hours I do at work.
Although I appreciate the work you do looking after the kids is just a stressful and hard work.
Do I have to say that every time? I thought she was meant to be dead.
She is dead.
This is a flashback to a happier time, like before you sat down.
I don't like flashbacks.
They complicate things.
It's only a short step and then I'm out of here.
DOORBELL RINGS ON TV DOOR CLOSES ON TV Hello? George! Oh, bloody hell! Sorry! I thought if I took myself by surprise, I might get his name.
It isn't even George.
Is it? Maybe it is George George? Geo Oh, no.
It's not George.
I can't remember it is.
And do you know what? I actually don't care because, like you say, I've got far more important things in life to worry about, like March the 15th - your birthday.
Just showing off now.
So, I'd rather just watch the thing and not even mention it ever again.
Because if you don't let this go, Lee, I will divorce you, and I will name this actor in the divorce, and then at least you will know what his name is.
Totally understand.
If I mention him again, you have permission to punch me in the face.
Don't be silly.
I wouldn't enjoy it as much with permission.
I mean it.
It's fine.
It's not.
I apologise for my behaviour.
All you wanted was a bit of me time.
I should have just shut up and let you watch it.
Which I am going to do it right now! Good! Because otherwise, you are going to feel my foot up your backside.
Ooh! So I AM getting toed in the hole.
Please, Lee! I know it's frustrating, I know you are genuinely concerned, but no more, OK?! Good.
Because you have nothing to worry about.
Just because there's a history of dementia in your family doesn't mean you've got anything to fear.
What? What history of dementia? Your family history of dementia.
That's what this whole thing's been about, hasn't it? No! What the hell have you been fretting about for the last ten minutes? Well, not that, because I didn't know anything about it.
So you're telling me that you'd been worrying for no good reason? And you're telling me I've been worried for a very good reason? I wish I hadn't said anything now.
Oh, don't worry - give it five minutes, I'll have probably forgotten.
So, come on, then! Spit it out! Lee, I thought you knew all of this.
Your dad told us all about it a couple of weeks ago.
You're saying that I had a recent conversation about dementia and I can't remember it.
You were watching the football and not properly listening.
Well, what did he say? Oh, I can't remember exactly.
Ooh, it must be contagious! Look, he didn't go into details.
He said something about your Uncle Barry? Bonkers Barry? What was wrong with him? Wasn't that a clue in the name? He seemed all right to me.
He died when I was very young, but I remember he used to sit me on his knee and sing me old Irish lullabies.
Well, apparently he used to sit everyone on his knee and sing old Irish lullabies.
And not just family.
The postman, Jehovah's Witnesses.
Well, he mentioned it was a bit of a squeeze on there.
And he mentioned your great-aunt? Which one, Betty or Aunt Jean, the one who kept a dead cat for three weeks? It was Aunt Jean, wasn't it? Keep going! Any more? Look, Lee, as much as I'm enjoying this stroll down memory loss lane, just because a family history of dementia, it doesn't mean it's going to affect you.
Look at your dad.
He's fine.
You'll probably end up like him.
I think I'd prefer the dementia.
Anyway, these things skip a generation.
I'll be wandering the streets in me dressing grown at 4am, asking policemen if they're my husband, Trevor.
I promise you that won't happen.
How can you be sure? Because you always told me that if you couldn't look after yourself, you wanted me to end it all for you.
We could play safe and do it now, if you like, and then I can carry on watching this! Yeah, well, maybe that's what we should do.
Take me on a one-way trip to a clinic in Sweden.
I think you mean Switzerland.
Do I? Oh, bloody hell! Lee, there's nothing wrong with you! So you're telling me there is no way that I'm going to develop dementia? No, of course I'm not.
No-one can tell you that.
Sooner or later, unless you're hit by a bus, you're bound to develop something.
Whether it's Parkinson's, diabetes or heart disease, I haven't got a clue which one of them is going to get you.
Oh! Thank you, Officer.
You've been very reassuring! But if it's OK, I think I'd like to jump now! I can tell you one condition you've definitely got right now, and that's health anxiety.
Is that serious? Yes! It is known to cause a severe pain in the arse to everyone around you.
You're a hypochondriac.
No, I'm not! What about the leprosy? How was I supposed to know what athlete's foot looks like? And what about the lump on your testicle? What did it end up being? My testicle.
OK, so I jump to conclusions sometimes.
But this time, there's evidence.
DOORBELL RINGS ON TV Oh, good - look who's back again to torment me.
Right, I've had enough of this.
Don't you look up his name! I'm not.
I'm finding a questionnaire that I read about in a magazine recently.
Here it is.
"Have you got memory loss or dementia?" Well, that's a bit full-on for question one.
That's the title of the questionnaire.
I don't think I want to know.
What if it tells me I've got a serious condition? Lee, it wasn't the British Journal of Psychiatry.
It was Woman's Own.
Peter Andre's a columnist.
That's how serious this magazine gets.
You go through your checklist of symptoms, and it tells you whether you ought to see a doctor.
Fire away.
Here we go.
"Do you ever forget names of people?" Yes.
"Do you ever park your car at a supermarket and struggle "to find it afterwards?" Every time! "Do you ever make plans for future dates and then forget the detail?" Oh, my God! This is absolutely describing me! "Then you are perfectly normal, "because everybody experiences these lapses of memory "at some time or another.
" Right.
Got you.
That was the intro.
"However, memory lapses can sometimes indicate something "more serious.
" Now we start the proper questions.
"Are you over 45 years of age?" Yes.
"Do your memory lapses ever put other people in danger?" No.
"Do you struggle to maintain daily personal hygiene?" We'll skip that one for now.
"Is there a family history" Oh, let's skip that one as well.
"Are you so far gone the others have to fill in questionnaires for you?" Right, your answer, then? "Do you become confused in everyday conversation?" How do you mean? How am I doing? Let's just jump to the quickfire round.
There's still everything to play for! They want you to name as many things as you can in a certain category within 30 seconds.
If you could name 10 in 30 seconds, that's good.
Cheddar, Edam, Wensleydale, Dairylea Dunkers Whoa! You don't get to choose the category.
So what's the category? Not cheese.
It suggests fruit and vegetables.
Well, if you can't do five a day, you're not going to manage 10 in 30 seconds.
Right, there's a list of suggestions.
How about insects? 10 insects in 30 seconds? Easy.
Ready? Hang on! Don't start it yet.
Well, it's not a 30-second test if you get time to prepare, is it? Go! OK.
Insects, right.
What do you mean no? It's not an insect.
Yes, it is! It's got eight legs.
It's an arachnid.
Oh, pardon me, Sandi Toksvig.
I know! Come on! There's plenty of other insects to choose from.
A worm! That's not an insect either.
Come on, Lee - think of legs! Centipede.
That's too many legs.
19 seconds, and you've got zero.
Beetle! Well done! You've got nine more in eight seconds.
Uh Come on, you're on the right lines with beetle.
George, Ringo! Ringworm! You're panicking! I know! Buzz-buzz! LEE GROANS That can't be time up.
It isn't time up.
That was a clue - buzz-buzz! What? TIMER BEEPS Bee! Too late.
Now your time's up.
How did I get on? Well, let's put it this way - insects make up more than half of all living things on the planet, and you managed to name one.
Oh, great! First actors, now insects.
There's probably an ambulance on its way now, full of man in white coats carrying giant butterfly nets Butterfly.
Oh, no! Don't worry there's one more test to complete before we finish, and this is the hardest one.
It says if you pass this one, you're definitely in the top 10% for mental acuity.
Go on.
Ready? Yes.
In 30 seconds, name all FA Cup winners from 1972 to 1984.
Leeds, Sunderland, Liverpool, West Ham, Southampton Oh, you made that one up! Of course I made it up, but the point is you know it.
Who the hell with dementia would know that? Oh, stop humouring me, Lucy.
This is exactly what you do with confused old people.
For all I know, you might be me granddaughter pretending to be me wife.
In that case, last night was a big mistake.
You remember last night, right? Yes! ALARM BEEPS What's that? It's the smoke alarm! The sausages! I completely forgot! See? You can't deny it now! There is definitely something wrong with me! Oh! There's always been something wrong with you.
There's just nothing new wrong with you! What did that survey say? "Do you ever put people in danger?" Well, I've almost just burnt the house down! What the hell is the matter with me? You're a bloody idiot, but that isn't a medical condition! LEE GROANS Face it, Lucy.
You're married to a goldfish.
I can't remember my father telling me that his side of the family tree has got woodworm, I can't remember how to make a simple dish like sausages a la plate and I can't remember the name of James Nesbitt when he's right in front of me on a television screen! ALARM STOPS BEEPING James Nesbitt! That's who it is! LEE SIGHS It's obvious when you think about it.
Actually, when you don't think about it.
Oh, maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all.
Of course there isn't! And who hasn't set off a smoke alarm before? Exactly! When YOU'RE cooking, you use it as a timer.
James Nesbitt.
That's him talking to Claire Danes - best known for her role in the Fox TV drama Homeland, which also stars Damian Lewis and David Harewood.
I am on a roll! Can't tell you what a weight off my mind this is.
It's a relief, innit? What? Nothing.
Tell me.
Oh, please don't, Lee! I just want to watch the programme.
Lucy, what is it? That's not James Nesbitt! Yes, it is! I know who James Nesbitt is, and that is definitely not him.
Well, who the hell is it, then? It's John Hannah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, my God, Lucy, I think my eyesight's going! # We're not going out # Not staying in # Just hanging around with my head in a spin # But there is no need to scream and shout # We're not going out We are not going out.