Not Going Out (2006) s10e06 Episode Script


1 LUCY SCREAMS It's OK! I'm fine.
I was just worried you hadn't signed the life insurance documents yet.
I was just sweeping up some bits.
I'm afraid your blue vase has broken.
SHE SCREAMS EVEN LOUDER # We're not going out # Not staying in # Just hanging around with my head in a spin # But there is no need to scream and shout # We're not going out We are not going out.
Perhaps you could explain what this is all about.
What? Why are we standing at your front door? Oh, dear.
Is this like when Grandad used to turn up at Blockbusters in a nightie? Lee sent us a text message saying we had to come round here immediately.
Did he? Said it was extremely important.
We thought maybe you had some happy news to announce.
What, pregnancy? Or divorce.
Oh, sorry to disappoint you, Dad, but it's neither.
Aw, so we won't be hearing the patter of tiny feet? Oh, I don't know.
What's going on? I've had a message off Lee telling me to get round here straight away.
Sounded urgent.
Well, they're not emptying out their drinks cabinet, Frank.
You can stand down.
I thought he might want help moving an old antique that's blocking the doorway.
LUCY: Oh, don't tell me, you got a text message from Lee telling you to get round here urgently? Yes, but we can't stay long.
I'm supposed to be packing.
She's finally leaving you, Toby? We're going Hang on.
Let's enjoy that a little longer.
We're going to my sister's first thing in the morning so we really do need to make this quick.
Us, too.
I've got a bag of trophies here for this evening's golf club presentation.
Why didn't you leave them in the car? Because they might get stolen.
Worth a bob or two, are they? On second thoughts, perhaps I should have left them in the car.
Don't worry, this won't take long.
Good evening, one and all.
I suspect you're wondering why I've gathered you here tonight.
Yes, we certainly are, Poirot.
Looks more like Hetty Wainthropp.
Somebody here has committed a murder and until we find out who it was .
nobody .
is going home.
It was me.
Do you know what I'm on about? No idea.
It's just my default position, taking the blame for everything.
What the hell are you talking about, Lee? Somebody here has killed something.
Should I tell you what that something is? Yes, but can you say it really dramatically and fully milk the moment? Oh, no, wait, you have.
The something in question is the trust that my darling wife has in me.
So nobody has actually been murdered? 'Course not.
Well, I don't know.
The night is young.
I see.
So, you're still pretending it wasn't you, then? I'm not pretending.
It wasn't me.
It was somebody in this room! Yes.
And if you go into the kitchen, it'll be somebody in the kitchen.
What on Earth is this about? We really do need to get going.
Perhaps you'd like to fill everybody in, Lucy.
You know my blue and white vase? The one that used to belong to Nan? Ugly old thing.
Didn't hold water properly.
Don't! I remember mother giving it to you.
Not much of a family heirloom.
A vase?! Well, it's amazing what silly little things people pass on from generation to generation.
Some people have vases.
Some have alcoholism.
To be honest, it was hidden away for years.
Yeah, a bit like alcoholism.
Recently I got it out again, and when I came home today, it was lying on the floor, completely smashed.
Well, the similarities keep on coming.
Don't they, Frank? Are you sure the children didn't break it? They were out of the house all day with me.
It could only have been Lee.
I don't think it had much monetary value but it had lots of sentimental value.
It was my nan's.
I'm sorry about your vase, Lucy, I really am, but what the hell has this got to do with any of us? Please allow me to explain.
I came home from work today, five minutes before Lucy, to find a vase of flowers smashed on the floor.
Naturally, I went into the kitchen to get a dustpan and brush to sweep it up and that's when Lucy entered.
This is gripping stuff.
Let's hope Meryl Streep is available for the Crimewatch reconstruction.
And that's when Lucy accused me of breaking it.
She berated me and threatened me with all kinds of punishment.
No, I didn't! You said our usual Fruity Friday was cancelled.
Fruity? If it means they're getting five a day, I'm impressed.
But then, afterwards, it got me thinking.
"Hang on, I've actually got proof that it wasn't me!" What proof? If I had broken that vase five minutes before you came in, why wasn't the rug still wet? In fact, given it's now only 6:15, you'd expect it to be a little bit damp now, right? It's bone dry.
Oh, very clever, Lee.
Like when a monkey completes a two-piece jigsaw.
Which means somebody else must have broken that vase earlier in the day whilst I was at work.
And who are the only other people that know where we hide the spare key for the house? You lot.
I can't believe we've been dragged all the way over here just because of a petty domestic squabble.
Yes, we could have stayed at home for one of those.
This is ridiculous! I never liked that vase, anyway.
We're leaving.
Nobody leaves until I find out who's sullied my good name and besmirched my reputation.
Have you considered that perhaps nobody broke it? This table is very wobbly.
You need to put a folded beermat under there.
Bravo, Frank.
Wetherspoon's answer to Bear Grylls.
Open that door.
This is ridiculous.
You could easily have smashed that vase of lilies and then quickly thrown the rug into the tumble dryer.
How did you know they were lilies, Mum? You said they were lilies.
No, she didn't.
Oh, this is nonsense! We've got to go, we need to get to that golf club function.
Well, nobody else is in a rush.
Are you? No, I haven't got a function.
That's true on so many levels.
I must have seen the lilies in the vase when we were all round here for dinner the other day.
You remember.
Well, actually, I was rather preoccupied watching Frank get to grips with the concept of cutlery.
But I only put the flowers in the vase last night.
So, how did you know they were lilies? All right, yes, I admit it.
I came around here this morning.
I knew it! Mum! It's not that unusual! I often pop round here to do the odd errand or two, you know that.
But why didn't you say something? I don't tell you about every little thing I do.
Mum, last week you rang me to say they'd moved the tinfoil in Waitrose! I think we are waiting for an explanation, Wendy.
They did it to make room for the bin liners.
Hang on.
Is this what I think it's about? Yes.
Oh, for God's sake! I told you to drop this! What? It started last weekend.
Geoffrey and I were at home watching an episode of the Antiques Roadshow.
There was a person on there with a vase.
A vase? A blue and white vase that looked exactly the same as Lucy's.
Well, how much was it worth? £2,000.
Well, why didn't you tell me? I wanted to! In fact, I picked up the phone immediately to call you.
But I told her not to do it.
Why? Because, as the expert said, there are thousands of similar-looking vases in charity shops up and down the country that are all totally worthless.
Well, they certainly know what they're talking about on that show.
Exactly! And Lucy's was almost certainly one of the worthless ones.
Well, it is now, anyway.
If we'd told you, Lucy, you'd have got all excited and gone round to an antiques dealer and then you'd have been made to look a fool when he told you it was only worth pennies.
And you agreed with him, Mum? I could see your dad had a point.
I didn't want your hopes raised for nothing.
But I couldn't shake the idea that your vase just might be valuable.
And that's why, without your dad knowing, I came round here this morning.
And accidentally broke it.
I just borrowed it for half an hour so I could take it to a dealer! OK.
So, you borrowed it.
You took it off to "We Buy Any Vase dot com".
The big question is .
how much was it worth? Absolutely nothing.
Geoffrey was right.
It was just a cheap replica after all.
I knew it.
No harm done, then.
Just an ugly, cheap vase.
That Nan gave me and that someone has broken! Well, it wasn't me! Well, who was it? The antiques dealer? What kind of antiques dealer smashes things? A broker? Too soon? After I had it valued, I came back here, I refilled it with water, replaced the lilies, put it back exactly where I found it and left.
I didn't break anything.
I feel everyone's turned on me.
Don't worry, Wendy.
I believe you.
I don't want you to feel turned on because of me.
Look, I didn't want to get involved in a family dispute but I don't think it's fair that Wendy is the only one having the finger pointed at her.
I drove past the house this lunchtime .
and I saw Frank coming out.
You couldn't have seen me! Why not? Because I made sure there wasn't anyone watching.
All right.
I was here.
I wanted to find out if Wendy took the vase to be valued or not.
Well, how did you know about that? May as well tell the truth.
Frank and I are in this together.
What?! When we were all round here for dinner the other day, I happened to mention to Frank about the vase I'd seen on the Antiques Roadshow.
LUCY: And still no-one thought to say anything to me? Anything else you've kept from me? Oh, now you mentioned it, you know when you asked was your beef a little overcooked? Was that beef?! I told Frank that Geoffrey thought it was pointless getting it valued.
But Frank agreed with me that I should! So, not only did you go behind my back, you went behind my back with him! I'm sorry you should hear it like this, Geoffrey, but .
Wendy and I are lovers.
Lovers of antiques.
Someone sleeping with you, Dad, it's the same thing.
Frank was very helpful, actually.
He recommended someone who deals in antiques.
A friend of his.
Hang on.
You told my dad you thought Lucy owned a valuable vase and he suddenly recommended you go and see one of his mates? That's right.
Am I right in assuming this person wasn't chief auctioneer at Sotheby's? But he seemed very knowledgeable.
What kind of shop did he have? It wasn't a shop, more a sort of lock-up garage.
But he must've had some valuable pieces there or there'd have been no need for all the dogs! Can no-one else see what's going on here? What? Well, he's suggesting that Frank's associate deliberately undervalued the vase so that Frank could come round here, take it and then he and his friend could split the profits.
I have never been so insulted in my life.
Oh, stick around, Dad.
What happened? Did your plan go wrong when you accidently broke it? Well .
I can see you've all made your minds up.
You've convicted me and thrown away the keys.
Well, anyway, it looks like the mystery has been solved.
No, it bloody hasn't! We really need to get going.
We're making an early start for Woodcombe in the morning.
My sister hates us being late.
I'm sorry, Woodcombe? Yes, in Somerset.
It's where Anna's sister lives.
That's a coincidence, Hannah.
That's the place where they filmed the episode of Antiques Roadshow we watched.
Really? I'm surprised your sister didn't mention it to you.
Well, she probably didn't hear about it.
It's a very big town.
Fiona Bruce said only 200 people live there.
Did she? Oh, I wouldn't know, I've never watched the Antiques Roadshow.
If I want to see someone have a heart attack when they find out the value of some jewellery, I just show Toby what I bought at Tiffany's.
That's not what you said before.
You said you were very knowledgeable on the Antiques Roadshow.
So you must've watched it.
Is there something you're not telling us, Anna? Who cares what TV programmes Anna watches? They need to get going! Oh, whoa! Either somebody's trod something in the carpet or something smells a bit off to me.
Well, shit, Sherlock.
Why are you suddenly in a rush to get rid of them? What's going on, Lucy? Oh, just tell them, Anna.
Don't tell me you're about to whip off your mask and it turns out you're Fiona Bruce.
OK, but this is going to sound a little odd.
Keep talking.
I'm used to little and odd.
Aren't I, Dad? Two months ago, my sister did tell me the Antiques Roadshow was filming in her village.
Oh! It's a village now, is it? Village, town, what's the difference? Ipswich Village never won the FA Cup.
She wanted to go on the show but she didn't have anything to get valued.
So she asked me if I had something but I couldn't think of anything.
I'd have thought your house would have been full of valuables.
It is, but we know what they're worth.
What you need to get on that show is something that might be valuable but also might be worthless tat.
And that's when I thought of Lucy! She mentioned, in passing, that that vase had been in the family for years.
And I thought, "Who knows? Maybe it's worth something.
" So, I asked if I could take it and Lucy seemed very keen.
Why? Well, I just remember Nan saying once that she thought it might be worth something.
But you said you only cared about its sentimental value.
I do.
That's why I didn't sell it.
Not even for £2,000.
I bet you thought about it, though, didn't you? Thinking about it is not the same as actually doing something about it.
Our broken shed roof is proof of that, Lee.
We could've done with that money.
What for? Well, to start with, we need a new vase.
And, if there's anything left, a new shed.
Look, all this was months ago! Doesn't get us any closer to finding out who broke the damn thing! Oh, yes, it does! Because, if you're telling us that vase on the Antiques Roadshow was actually your vase, it means it was worth £2,000! Which means my original theory just might be correct! His mate DID undervalue it and Dad DID come round this afternoon to try and take it! There's a word for evidence like this.
Circum .
I don't think that's the word you're looking for.
Unless you're acting on a tip-off.
Maybe the Antiques Roadshow valued it wrong.
I've seen that programme.
It's a lot of nonsense! They just make it up! No, they don't.
Don't be stupid.
Of course they do! Everything you see on the television's not real, you know.
I'll bet you're one of these people who thinks that Coronation Street's a documentary.
I didn't until I met you.
Oh, just admit it, Dad! You wanted that vase for yourself, you accidentally broke it, and now you're lying.
Actually .
Frank's telling the truth.
I can't let Frank be accused of a crime he didn't commit.
Thank you, Geoffrey.
Not when there's such a wealth of crimes that he probably did commit.
Frank's friend didn't undervalue that vase, because I happen to know for a fact that the vase Wendy took to be valued is worth precisely £8.
LUCY: Well, how do you know that? Because that's how much I paid for it yesterday at the Hounslow branch .
of Bargain Furnishings.
I think my brain's starting to bleed.
There's a perfectly simple explanation.
After watching the Antiques Roadshow, I was convinced that Lucy's vase was also valuable.
But that's not what you said! You said you thought it was a worthless replica! I lied.
I didn't want you telling Lucy because she might have been tempted to sell hers.
Although, at the time, I obviously didn't realise that the vase I was looking at WAS hers! Why did you lie?! Because I wanted it to stay in the family! I thought you didn't even like the vase, Dad.
Well, it's one thing to dislike something and another to want to see it removed from the family altogether.
But it's Lucy's decision whether she wants to sell the vase, not yours.
I knew that would be your attitude so I decided to play safe and bought a substitute vase and then, very early this morning, before Wendy had even left the house, I came round here and exchanged the original for the replica.
I don't know why we bother locking this door.
We should just get a revolving one! So, the vase I took to be valued was a cheap copy.
Which means my mate didn't undervalue it, which means I've been vindicated and, in case you're wondering, yes, I WILL be suing! You're right, Dad.
I'm sorry.
You didn't try and steal the vase.
He did! And whilst you were round here, I'm assuming you accidentally smashed it.
Oh, try and keep up, Lee.
Of course I didn't break it, otherwise Wendy would have nothing to take to be valued.
Oh, yeah.
I think I need a pen and paper.
I didn't steal the original, either.
I just temporarily borrowed it.
How temporarily? Well, what do you mean? What I mean .
did you come back in later and swap them back? Because, if you did, somebody has broken a £2,000 vase! But if you didn't I didn't come back.
The broken vase is the cheap replica.
Yes! Shed! Well?! What? Where's our £2,000 vase? Oh, it's "ours", now, is it? It's in the bag.
I had intended to swap it back in a couple of days after the dust had settled but, when I got Lee's text telling us to get round here urgently, I thought maybe you were both getting a bit suspicious so, erm, I thought I'd try and swap it back this evening when no-one was looking.
Tsk, this family.
When I heard that someone had broken the damn thing, I could hardly swap it back then, could I? I mean, what would you have said if a broken vase of flowers had suddenly reappeared? Reincarnation.
This stuff kills at bridge club.
Can I have my vase back, then, please, Dad? How do I know you won't sell it? Because I knew it was worth £2,000 and yet I still didn't sell it, did I? And what about Lee? I don't think I'll be offered £2,000 for Lee.
I didn't quite catch that, Lucy? Did you say, "Sorry, Lee, for accusing you of "breaking my nan's vase that you clearly didn't break"? Sorry.
Sue her! Defecation of character.
And that's definitely the original one? Yes.
How do we know? I can get my mate to have a look at it, if you like? Thanks, Frank, but I think we can take my dad's word for it.
So, all's well that ends well.
Now, can we all please go? Er, not quite! There's still one important piece of the jigsaw missing, isn't there? GEOFFREY: Oh, God.
Hercule's back.
We still haven't found out who broke that vase.
Who cares? It was just a cheap replica.
I care! It's the reason I gathered you all round here in the first place.
Don't worry, you'll all be free to leave once we've revealed who is the guilty party.
And it won't take long because now I know exactly who did it! Who? Well, at first, I thought it was you, Wendy.
And then Dad.
And then Anna.
But I think we've safely ruled out you three.
And then there's Geoffrey, a man who swapped the vases and claimed he never returned.
But we only have his word for that, don't we? Did guilt get the better of him? Did he in fact return later to swap them back and, in the process, accidentally break it? Well, did I? No, you did not.
Well, I'm glad we've established that the man who didn't do it didn't do it.
So, just who did lose their grip on the family heirloom? I'll be getting a grip of your family heirlooms if you don't get on with it.
Then there's my beautiful, delightful, if somewhat accusatory, wife.
A woman who places so much sentimental value on that vase, she couldn't bring herself to sell it, not even for £2,000.
But perhaps she could bring herself to sneak back in, deliberately break it and claim on the insurance.
But don't worry, that's not what I think happened.
Hey, having said that, that's not a bad No.
This is so stupid.
Come on, we're leaving.
And then finally there's Toby.
Nothing to do with you, this story, is it, Toby? Nothing to do with you whatsoever.
OR SO I THOUGHT! And then I started noticing a few clues.
What clues? Like the small plaster on the back of your hand like a man who had recently broken something.
I cut myself shaving.
On your knuckles? Was it a full moon? And then there's the way you just moved that fruit bowl for Lucy.
It told us so much, didn't it? Almost like you knew exactly where that vase should go.
And then there's the big one.
FRANK: Oh, for goodness' sake! Not Geoffrey again?! We've done him! The way you were casually driving past this house this afternoon.
Well, what's wrong with that? We live in a cul-de-sac.
Where were you going exactly? To the end.
And back again.
I put it to you, ladies and gentlemen, that it was in fact Toby who sneaked into the house today and broke the vase.
OK, Miss Marple, you've got me.
Stick with Poirot, keep it masculine.
Let's split the difference and go with Scooby-Doo.
You? Broke the vase? Yes.
By accident.
I told you that table was wobbly.
Yes, you did tell us that, didn't you? How could you know that unless you were the culprit? GEOFFREY: He's already admitted it, Frank, try and keep up! But there's one thing missing.
Toby lacks motivation.
I've been saying that for years.
It's a good point.
What were you doing in this house in the first place? Oh, look, who cares why Toby was here? As we all now know, the broken vase was just a cheap replica.
So, why don't we all just get going? It's too late, Lucy.
I think we've been rumbled.
This story's got more twists than a Curly Wurly.
Oh, just tell them.
Someone I know is an antiques collector.
Well, he saw Anna's sister on the Antiques Roadshow.
He expressed interest in buying the vase.
So I told Lucy about the interest, although I knew she'd already turned down £2,000 and probably didn't want to sell.
And I didn't! Until two days ago.
What happened two days ago? Toby's friend offered me £3,000.
Three grand for that piece of sh .
entimentally important artefact? What did you say? What do you think I said? I bit his hand off.
And were you going to tell me about it?! No! I couldn't risk Dad finding the vase had left the family.
You'd sell your own grandmother's vase for £3,000? For £3,000 I'd sell my own grandmother.
What about the three grand? Were you going to keep that a secret from me, too? No.
I was going to say that a premium bond had come up and treat us all to a family holiday.
I wanted a shed! I thought you were supposed to be coming around tomorrow?! I suddenly remembered we were visiting Anna's sister so I decided to pop round today instead.
I'm sorry.
I was going to tell you but when I accidentally broke it I just sort of panicked and ran.
When have I seen that before? Who doesn't get nervous at the altar?! And were are you going to confess at any point? I think you'll find I did! Right at the start of all this.
I said it was me! Admittedly, I didn't follow through with a proper confession.
But you all seemed to be having so much fun.
But why didn't you tell me about Lucy selling the vase, Toby? Lucy asked me to keep it confidential so I promised I would.
So? That's not the rule! Husbands and wives are allowed to break those sorts of promises.
I told you about Lee's sex noise! Well, thank goodness I only broke the cheap replica, eh? Well done, Geoffrey.
When it finally comes down to it, I suppose there's no harm done.
I've still got the original vase! And tomorrow we get three grand! And my mother's turning in her grave.
And I'll put some flowers on her grave tomorrow to say thank you.
Well, you won't have anywhere else to put them.
Look, the point is, everybody's happy.
And we finally know who broke the blooming thing.
I declare this case .
closed! Wasn't me! # Yeah, not going out # Not staying in # Just hanging around # With my head in a spin # But there is no need to scream and shout # We're not going out We are not going out.