Nurse Jackie s04e06 Episode Script

Previously on Nurse Jackie I'm dropping a morale bomb on the troops today.
Uniform scrubs on the nurses.
Ooh! Dress code.
Behold! The new All Saints duds.
"Wanted, roommate.
" Gonna hang these up, see if I can find somebody to go splitsies with me on a phat pad.
If you need a place, Zoey, I have a place.
I have a couch.
Live with you? Till you find a place, yeah, sure.
I have a present.
He's not even born yet.
I know.
But when am I ever gonna have another baby in my life? How many did she take? She took a lot.
Are you Jackie Peyton? Yes.
You've been served.
I thought we weren't gonna do that anymore.
Oh.
Oh, fuck.
I just dreamed I used.
Wow.
Did you hear what I said? I heard what you said, Jackie.
And it wasn't a dream.
You stood right there and you took a pill and made a fool of yourself with your boss and then came over here and slept it off.
We all saw.
Wait, I just woke up this second, just now.
Oh, don't even try.
We're done, Jackie.
Wait a second.
We're done.
Zoey.
Zoey.
Zoey.
It took me three hours to turn off the alarm on your phone.
Hey, guys.
Hi.
It's a special app designed to wake me up in stages.
Phones are phones.
Clocks are clocks.
And that is a kimono.
I thought we talked about this, Zoey.
My kitchen is a no-kimono zone.
I thought you were kidding.
I thought I was kidding, too, but that It's a lot.
It is.
I am re-teaching my body to wake up.
With a kimono? No, with an app.
I haven't figured it out yet.
I can probably figure it out.
That's a good thing, Grace, 'cause otherwise me and Fi are going to give her phone some swimming lessons in the toilet.
Right, Fi? I'm doing a thing on snakes.
Zoey helped me nail it.
Ectothermic, rectilinear You know, the yoozh.
See? It's a lot.
Thanks, Zoey.
Thanks, Zoey.
Have a good day, guys.
Wait, hold on.
Here.
Thank you.
Show her.
Come on, Fiona.
Show me what? Show me what? Lenny proposed.
Wow.
Go, Lenny.
Right? Right? Congratulations.
Are you gonna wear it to work? I don't know.
Should I not? It's up to you.
Mine always got in the way.
Playa, hear ya loud and clear-ya.
Wow, Zoey.
With the gloves, I meant.
It always got in the way with the gloves.
I feel really bad that I'm getting married when you're getting unmarried.
Honey, no.
Please don't feel bad.
It's very exciting.
Honey.
Prenatal vitamins and black coffee.
Pregnant goddess tea.
Oh! I'm toning my uterus.
Huh, so am I.
Also I had spinach for brekky, but that's between us.
I don't want people to think I'm spoiling my baby.
By eating right? By sacrificing the things I love.
Meat, seafood, scotch, sex.
Although, it's 9:00 a.
m.
I suppose I might not have had sex just yet.
But you might have had oysters and scotch.
I might have.
You don't know.
Fair enough.
I, however, did have sex for breakfast.
Not really.
It was dream sex.
Felt pretty real, though.
Got loaded and had sex with Cruz.
Whoo! You look refreshed.
Yeah.
Then I woke up and Zoey was wearing a kimono and Fi was talking about snakes.
Oh, God, please don't.
That's what it's like to be me.
God, wouldn't it be hilarious if after all this time you actually had a thing for doctors? No, I don't have a thing for doctors.
I have a thing for drugs.
Yes? Is this Jackie Peyton? Yes, it is.
Hello? Yeah, okay.
Thank you.
Everything okay? That was Kevin's lawyer.
He is suing for custody.
Big wedding? Small wedding? We haven't talked about it.
How could you not be talking about it? Who does that? It's a wedding.
Hey, Jackie.
Jackie? Okay.
I'm sorry.
Hey.
Did you lose something? No.
Come with me.
So, are you in the witness protection program? Excuse me? Well, I'm going through all the departments, not just yours, and in 20 years of being a nurse, there's not a single complaint against you.
I mean, nothing.
There's no workman's comp, no urinalysis, no vacation days accrued or used.
I mean, nothing.
Well, Coop alone has lodged over a dozen complaints, so you've got to check your computer.
I did.
That's what I'm telling you.
There's date of birth, date of hire, that's it.
I peed in a cup like everybody else.
I cashed in my vacation days.
I've got none left.
So, I don't know, just start a new file.
There's no need to call in the guard.
Is that what I did, called in the guard? Feels like it.
Yeah, Cruz.
Okay, got it.
A hospital transfer, crushed foot.
Come on, walk with me.
It's a mistake.
One of your IT guys must have screwed up or something.
The law of averages.
Possible? Yes.
Probable? No.
You're making a mountain.
That's all I'm saying.
Don't underestimate me, Jackie.
Right back at you.
How's that? Don't underestimate me either.
Don't worry.
I won't.
Hey, guys.
A male named Carlos.
The ring looks good, boo.
I'm wearing gloves.
OR's ready when you are.
It still looks good.
Gettin' hitched.
Yes, I heard.
What do we got? You are stabilizing him for an amputation.
Says who? Brooklyn Med.
A forklift dropped a safe on his foot.
Nine hundred pounds of steel, bam! He had a lumbar epidural block, morphine IV, 10 milligrams at Brooklyn Med.
Seriously, he's out of it.
Later, boo.
Hi.
My name is Jackie.
Can you hear me? Do you know where you are? Zoey, call down to OR, tell them to hold off.
I want to get film from every angle.
Got it.
Are you gonna try to save the foot? Wouldn't you? Zoey, would you grab me a Doppler, please? Let's see if there's any life left in there.
I already did.
The ankle's got a pulse.
Are you shitting me? Really? Okay, game change.
Do you want to hear? No, I'll take your word for it.
Zoey, call down to ortho and get them in the loop.
Hold on, how did you know I was gonna ask for a Doppler? I don't know.
Just a hunch.
You want me to cancel the OR? Please.
Poor fuckers.
All scrubbed up and itching to saw.
When you're a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
You can go back out on the floor.
Jackie and I got it.
Morphine? Yeah, give him five.
If you get home first, I have stuff in the washer.
And we're out of vacuum bags.
And fish food.
Thank you, Zoey.
She's staying with me until she can get her own place.
That's the second time you have an answer that I'm looking for before I even know what the question is.
That's two for two.
You want to go for three? Come on, what do I want to know next? No, I never studied Spanish.
I learned it on the job.
Okay, that's weird.
Maybe I did underestimate you.
Yeah, me, too.
You.
All right.
Go ahead.
I'll keep him company.
How's my guy? Don't you dare.
Any good patients? Potential night nurses, not that it's any of your business.
If I wasn't a doctor, I'm telling you, a night nurse all the way.
Well, then thank God you're a doctor.
Oh! He kicked.
He knows my voice.
He likes me already.
I'm here for you, little buddy.
Stop it.
How are you doing? It's Uncle Coop.
Maybe he's British.
How are you? It's Uncle Coop.
Oh, my God, you're a donkey.
Please stand up.
Don't! You're not his uncle.
You're not related to him in any way.
Not biologically, but I'll be there for him if he needs me, if you need me.
Steer clear of my bloodline.
I'm not afraid of diapers.
Oh! You have to call me back, Kevin.
I don't want to go through lawyers.
Please can we be adults? What? There is a girl or a guy in 3.
Okay, you have to clarify.
Is it a guy or a girl? I am currently unable to clarify.
Oh, for God's sake.
Hello, gorgeous.
Are you talking to me? Hell, yes, I'm talking to you.
Look how pretty your eyes are.
Hello, hello.
You must be Lonna.
Excuse me while I bow in thanks, because, yes, I must be Lonna.
It's a pretty name.
She's, like, my favorite all-time nurse.
I was afraid I'd get some ugly-ass doctors, but you two, swinging it like a big fat purse.
Well, this must be your lucky day.
Apart from the recurrent fever, sweats and syncope.
Every once in a while, I get hot, I start to faint and everyone starts to panic.
Also says here you've got abdominal cramping.
Is that accurate? On the DL, I do a little estrogen.
It's only now my stomach says "hell to the no" to the pill.
You know what I'm saying? Hear that, Jacks? "Hell to the no" to the pill.
Really? May I? Let's see what we've got.
Are those your real lashes? Why, yes, they are.
What part of England are you from? London, mostly.
You're really tender, especially around the liver.
Did you know Princess Di? Briefly.
Really lovely.
Oh, my God, I knew it.
Jacks, could we get some blood, please? Here, this might pinch a little bit.
I did five years of injections.
I don't feel a thing.
Blood.
Urine.
Always the urine.
Dr.
O'Hara filled me in about your custody situation, Jackie.
Yeah, welcome to the shit show.
If you need to slip out for an AA meeting, I'll cover your shift.
Anything you need What I'd love is to not talk about it.
Okay.
Hey, what do you know about my file? What file is that? Complaints, vacation days, urinalysis.
Don't know anything about it.
You were the only one What I'd love is to not talk about it.
Mmm.
Lonna, darling, do you find yourself sweating more than usual? You're, like, model-tall.
I bet you rock an outfit like the runway.
Once upon a time, perhaps.
Listen, Lonna, I'm a little concerned about the estrogen.
Will you tell her I'm about to get all Sally Field, Not Without My Daughter on her ass? 'Cause I'm not giving it up.
I see a baby, but I don't see a ring.
You married? Far from it.
One last question.
Blood in your stool? Okay, back me up.
My questions are way better than hers.
Don't you think? Yes, I do.
Look, could you Stop ganging up on me.
Lonna, I'd like to admit you until we hear from radiology and the lab, all right? I've got a real job with real insurance, Xerox and a cubicle.
I can pay for my own stuff, y'all, so do your thing.
I mean, I wish I could explain how satisfying it is to be a mother.
You're not their mother.
Doesn't mean I don't do mom things.
I do breakfast.
Do you make Jackie breakfast? I do.
And she's not picky.
Neither is Fi, which is good, because Grace, there's no telling what'll set her off.
Say what you will, but kids need two parents.
I dare you to come over here and say that to my face.
I decline that dare on the grounds that you will hit me.
Hey there, little buddy.
Don't pretend like he didn't kick.
Right, that's it.
Time for a nap.
Oh, purse, please.
Sit still.
I can't do my job if you keep moving.
Life's a moving target.
You know it's true.
We'll settle up when you're done.
Mark Glotzbocker.
That's my legal name, not my real name.
My real name's Lonna Hilton.
Lonna 'cause it's pretty and Hilton 'cause it's fierce.
If I'm ever on the lam, you're in charge of my name.
I'm thinking Ginger something.
Wouldn't it suck if the one thing that makes life worth living is the thing that's making me sick? You know what I think? I think transitions are hard.
I'm telling you right now if I have to go back to living as Mr.
Mark Glotzbocker, I will fucking kill myself.
Let's just see what the blood work says, okay? Want some magazines? Ooh, Tic Tacs and Vogue.
You gots? I gots.
Do you know who the father of O'Hara's baby is? I do not.
You swear? I swear.
Why are you asking? 'Cause if you don't know, then obviously she doesn't have a father figure in place, which means the daddy slot is wide open.
Don't call it a slot.
Copy that.
I have a question.
I've got a million.
Pharmaceutical side effects of estrogen, what's the deal? Depends on the delivery system.
Injections are rough on the liver.
Pills, long-term high dose, liver and stomach.
The smoothest delivery, transdermal.
Costs more, but if shit's contaminated, i.
e.
immunodeficient, ulcerative, it's the patch or the morgue.
Check out the brain on Eddie.
Mmm-hmm.
Still got it.
How are you doing? I can still ask that, right? How are you holding up? He's coming after the kids.
Jesus.
Oh, fuck me.
Why? What's the matter? He He was in here.
He was making a list of the shit that you were on.
He what? He barged in.
He started taking notes.
What the fuck was I supposed to do? You could have told me, Eddie.
Maybe I could have done something.
Do you understand? He's coming after me, guns loaded.
It's not a fucking joke.
He's gonna win.
Jackie, one more question.
No.
You're a mom, right? Go away.
Do you think kids need dads? No.
Dr.
Cruz is requesting a sitz bath and some Imodium, please.
Notice anything different? Mmm No.
What about now? Huh? Cocksucker! Motherfucker! Where's my ring? Eddie, where's my ring? Whoa, whoa.
Wait, where's the last place you saw it? On my finger! What do I do? What do I do? The first thing you do is you relax.
You gotta stay cool.
Cool, check! Yes, you need to keep breathing.
Breathing, check.
You need to retrace your steps.
Social butterfly.
Next idea.
Pray.
Pray to Saint Anthony.
O mighty Father Not here, not here.
Christ.
Be more specific.
Move! Right, the good news is we've got to the bottom of it.
The bad news is you're no longer tolerating the estrogen.
All you're saying is that my body is not cooperating, and that's not news to me, okay? Just give me my things.
I've got places to be.
Lonna, you've contracted Hepatitis B, which means your body's susceptible to infection.
You're really vulnerable.
Okay, and I asked nicely.
Can I have my things, please? Look, it's not that simple.
A bleeding ulcer left untreated combined with Hep B, it could kill you.
You've got my card.
Could you run it, please? Get away from my desk.
I lost my ring.
I told you not to wear it.
Will you look for me, please? No.
I'll do dinner and dishes for a week.
My clairvoyant nurse.
Zoey lost her ring.
Halfway there.
Take a look.
You, too, Zoey.
Hmm.
Looks like a robot's foot.
No, that's just good old-fashioned medicine.
What's with the pocket? I was just closing out a bill.
Charitable works, not a charity.
Wow, somebody was listening.
You're leaving against medical advice, really not wise.
I'm not interested in wise, okay? Y'all wake up, throw on a lipstick, some Louboutins, and no one asks you if you're really a girl.
I've got five years of injections and two years on the pill.
So don't ask me to go backsliding, 'cause I won't.
Insurance won't pay for the patch? Please.
The only way I'm paying for patches is if I start turning tricks, and I'm not doing a sashay-shante cliche for anybody.
I've got a job, okay? With vacation days and a 401K.
You're in the wrong place, young lady.
No, baby, I'm in the wrong body.
I'm fully aware of that.
Where you need to be is Callen Lorde.
It's a clinic at 18th and I don't know what.
They specialize in gender transitions.
They'll pay for your patches, monitor your health.
Thirty years of dealing with social services, I know where the goodies are stashed.
Hmm.
Ooh.
Upside, baby.
Downside, bladder.
Excuse me.
Sorry.
Let's get you in the right place.
Card, please.
Legal name, Mark Glotzbocker.
Opens up a host of complications.
That card is good.
I pay my premiums Keep your mouth shut.
Watch and learn.
Now, Mark Glotzbocker is insured, not very well, by the way.
Gastrografin, blood work, antibiotics Before the deductible, Mark owes us something in the neighborhood of $3,200.
That's my Cabo money.
But all the charts are in Lonna's name.
Do you see my predicament? I do.
Mark is insured.
Lonna's not.
Mark owes $3,200.
Lonna rides for free.
Answer this next question very carefully.
Are you Mark Glotzbocker or are you Lonna Hilton? Lonna Donatella Hilton, final answer.
I need Zoey.
Ladies' room.
Give me your hand.
Close your eyes.
Give me your hand.
How did you find it? better than an astronaut.
Here's my quagmire.
I think you mean "quandary.
" Mmm.
Only time will tell.
Lenny slid the ring on, right? And I was like, "Wow, that is really nice.
" Which is how it should be.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But then Coop slid the ring on and it was, like, oh, my God amazing, like amazing.
Okay? And I don't think it's because he's a doctor or because he smells good or because he's super hot.
I think it's because maybe Lenny isn't the one.
And I'm not saying that Coop is the one either Zoey.
Really? Me? Why? Because I Because you are the hermit who lives in the cave and gobbles up wisdom.
That is why.
So, what am I, Yoda? Hey, Jackie, Coop found my ring.
I'm glad to hear it.
Hey, Jackie, I just want to say it again.
I'm sorry if I made things worse.
Yeah, don't worry about it, Eddie.
What should we have for dinner? SpaghettiOs.
This is Jackie.
Okay.
Now he's suing me for child support.
And the house, he wants to take my house.
I'll get you the best lawyer in the world.
That jacket's Chanel.
You should definitely take it.
Your lawyer will love it.
He's gonna say I'm an unfit mother.
Well, you're not.
See? Look how great your legs look.
He's got receipts.
He's got rehab.
He's got a list of everything I took.
I work 60 hours a week.
I'm a drug addict.
I'm around drugs for 60 hours a week.
Come on.
I had an affair.
So did he.
Mine lasted four years.
He's a perfect husband, perfect father.
He looks good, I look bad, end of story.
I could punch you in the face and take Polaroids to bolster your case.
You're sweet to offer.
By the way, nothing started going bad until after I got sober.
I'm just saying.
That's not true.
I was afraid to go home tonight.
Yeah, so was I.
Cooking dinner on a hot plate, surrounded by half a million dollars' worth of shoes I can't even wear, Coop circling my unborn baby.
What's more frightening than that? Zoey in my kitchen stirring SpaghettiOs in a kimono.
And this.
If I'd gone home, I would have ground it and snorted it before I got through the front door.
So let's swap.
Virgin Mary and a little Chanel in exchange for a Roxy.
No, I'd rather have the pill.
It's a good one.
What if I throw in the shoes? Okay.