Odd Mom Out (2015) s03e04 Episode Script

Children in the Corn

1 Why did we agree to do Thanksgiving in the suburbs with Brooke's family? My S.
is flaring up.
Honey, Suburban Panic Disorder is not a real thing.
Tell that to my pit stains and cottonmouth.
I don't care for the suburbs either, hon but at least they're beautiful.
Are they? Behind all the potlucks and Lilly Pulitzer shift dresses lurks an insidious darkness.
All the husbands are alkies.
All the wives are popping pills like Tic Tacs.
I'm talking Zipper Mouthed Leather Man in the cellar.
Okay, I take that back, you 100% have Suburban Panic Disorder.
We're about to have Thanksgiving with actual Puritans.
Some of them are so inbred, that they're born with a sixth finger that they have removed at birth.
Hey! Five bucks to the first person who feels a nub! - Yeah! - Yes! Kids, none of this is true.
[disappointed groans] Really? We need a family safe word.
If anyone is in need of a rescue, just say "Cul de Sac" okay? Nod and smile, kids.
Today I'm going to blow the lid off the lie that is the "perfect" suburbs.
Barrett, your home is so festive.
Aw, well when one's ancestors came over on the Mayflower one tends to go overboard on Thanksgiving.
No pun intended.
You hear that, Andy? Barrett's ancestors were Pilgrims.
I had no idea.
We're everywhere.
The whole town is probably related.
Hi gang! Thatcher, why don't you take the children upstairs to rehearse? Thatcher wrote a play about the very first Thanksgiving.
We're going to be best friends! Aw! [whispers] I'm gonna make you my bitch.
Cul de! - Happy Thanksgiving! - You too, Berkley.
You remember my husband, Lockhart? Absolutely, nice to see you.
Lockhart, a pleasure.
- No nub.
- Play nice.
Oh and give a wave to Hawthorn over there.
So, Andy.
How long did it take you to get here from the city? Half an hour? You know, everyone who lives out here says it's a half an hour, but it's always an hour.
Sounds like we got a city slicker who's too chicken to drive on the shoulder! It may have taken me a little longer to get out here, but I did make it the full 33 miles - on electricity only.
- No? - Yeah.
- You take 95 - or the Merritt? - The Merritt.
- Really? - Yeah.
God, they're talking routes, shoot me! The Merrit's the way to go.
- Yeah the Merritt.
- Definitely.
Oh well.
Baby number four! It's five actually.
Five?! Mazel.
- Do you know what you're having? - We'll find out tomorrow.
I am actually hosting Berkley's gender reveal party.
Yeah! Oh, like where you open a box and if pink balloons shoot out, it's a girl, and if they're blue, it's a boy? Balloons murder tens of birds a year, Jill.
So I guess it's the same thing, minus the mass casualties.
You should come! Barrett's parties are the talk of the township.
She's the best sister ever.
Best hostess ever.
I can't believe you're hosting Thanksgiving and then another party on "Black Friday.
" Oh Jill, let's not discuss politics today, okay? No, I meant the shopping stampede.
Let's not.
I'm just gonna get Thanks.
Where are Brooke and Lex? Lex texted me ten minutes ago.
They just got in the Uber.
Ten minutes ago? Why didn't they take their own car? I don't know.
Deep breaths.
I'm not gonna make it.
I don't belong in the suburbs.
Look at me! I'm Edward Scissorhands but without scissors for hands.
You are not [helicopter propellers whirring] You are like Edward Scissorhands.
[helicopter propellers whirring] Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! Sorry, we're the last ones! Our Uber chopper was late! What can you do? Can I get the help? Thank you.
Happy Thanksgiving.
You too.
What happened? Oh, uh.
Old vaulting injury.
I sprained my ankle in the Olympics ten years ago.
Really? Nah, that was Kerry Strug.
I'm just too embarrassed to tell you I slipped off a curb while eating a donut and now this happens sometimes.
Is it swollen? I believe the proper medical term is "cankle?" Actually, it's "peripheral edema.
" - You need RICE.
- Like pilaf? No, RICE: Rest, Ice, Compression, Elevation? Wow, how do you know that? Um, I don't usually tell people in the building this but [whispers] I'm an ER doctor.
[whispers] That's awesome.
Why don't you want people to know? In med school, you hear these urban legends.
If word gets out you're a doctor, neighbors will stop by day and night asking you to check out their weird mole or prescribe Fentanyl.
Are you saying you don't have any Fentanyl? Or that you won't share it? I know, it's silly, but I've kept it quiet.
Until now.
Well, I'm honored.
And if you need anything for your ankle or whatever, um, stop by.
I'm 2F.
Got that.
I think this cornucopia from Ron Wendt will add the perfect finishing touch.
He's the florist in New York City.
I actually crafted my own.
I- I-I see that.
But we'll put yours on the kiddie table.
Great! Bringing anything larger would have been gauche.
Jackie O said "gauche" is a word reserved only for the bourgeois.
Well, she also said, "Let's ride with the top down today.
" Lex, so tell us, what is it like to be a kept man? Does your wife keep your balls in a Von Weber purse? Or just up on a high shelf where you can't reach them? Actually, Lex works very hard Hey, it's okay, bro.
Lockhart's just yanking my chain, - whatever that means.
- Yank, yank.
With Brooke doing so well I can pursue my passion, not just a job.
I want to make more than money, I want to make my mark.
How do you plan on doing that? I haven't figured that out yet but as the CEO of L-E-X when the moment is right, I'll know.
Well that's what Hawthorn told himself 20 years ago and now look at him.
[giggles] [knocking at door] - Hey! - Hi! Look at you! Two functioning cankles! Yeah, thanks for the advice.
But that's not why I came by.
Could you take a look at my girlfriend? She believes western medicine is a tool of the patriarchy, but is having chest pains and our Doula is hosting a vegan potluck.
Would you mind? Your girlfriend? Your super pregnant girlfriend who thinks doctors are the devil.
Have a seat.
I'll be with you in just a minute.
Easy babe.
Thank you so much.
[text message pings] Ooh, Jill.
How about some homemade hard cider? It's what the Pilgrims drank at the very first Thanksgiving.
Okay, there's also that nice wine I brought.
There you go.
Okay, I guess we're just having this.
Yeah, right? Life-changing.
Barrett is an incredible chef.
She is self taught, makes everything from scratch, even wove these place mats.
I can't wait to see what you've done with the Heritage Turkey that I sent.
I love me some turkey, and stuffing, potatoes.
Let a gravy tsunami wash over me.
Brooke, I donated that turkey to the soup kitchen.
As I told you, we are having a traditional Thanksgiving meal.
There was no turkey on the menu in 1621.
Oh? What was? Eel and other bottom feeders.
Gourds and a mixed grain gruel.
Nothing like what we eat today.
So, no turkey? No turkey.
No stuffing? No stuffing.
Cul de Sac.
[sloshing] Barrett, can I help you with that? Oh no thanks, Jill.
It takes a deft touch.
What do you need, a churner's permit? No.
Did the Pilgrims have hor d'ouevres? [sloshing continues] [tense music] Looking for something, Jill? Oh, uh, bathroom.
Oh it's this way.
Twelfth door on your right.
So I'm on the 8th fairway, Pacific Ocean's on my right, winds are swirling around six knots.
You guys know how the wind swirls at Pebble Beach.
I'm just gonna try to Just ever so gently, just draw it in! Just chip it and then fall.
And then five feet to the cup.
- So I'm doing this - You and the kids should come into the city some time.
Oh thanks.
It's just New York.
The pollution, the terrorism.
I assure you, you are safe.
You and Lex are so brave to be raising your kids there.
We're not brave, it's I guess Lockhart and I are fuddy-duddys about health and safety.
We should be more like you and prioritize things like helipads, five star restaurants, spas.
- 99, 100.
- What are you Oh I'm so sorry.
I do 100 kegels every 100 minutes.
My pelvic floor is the strongest muscle in my body.
- Is it? - I am my own forceps.
Oh Jill, those are decorative walnuts.
Really? They look so real.
They're fake? No, they're real.
You look good.
I'm gonna go check on Andy.
Like, I took the right line.
I took the right line on 17 it drops.
I'm on the wrong half of the hourglass green.
At any rate, it's a 40-foot putt.
Who sinks it? [deep sigh] This guy.
I sunk it.
Like it was nothing.
Probably just heartburn.
If you have antacid, that might help.
Oh thanks, but Tammy thinks Big Pharma is the nadir of the medical-industrial complex.
Of course she does.
I have some shredded potato peels in the sink if she'd like to gnaw on those.
Does that help heartburn? - No.
- Of course not.
We've got some ginger root at home.
Thanks for everything.
[funky music] 5C told me you're a doctor.
I have an abscess and I think it might be leeching.
Can you take a look? Come in.
As our ancestors did on the first Thanksgiving, let us join hands.
Lockhart, will you do the honors? Of course.
Bow your heads.
We thank thee For this daily bread For blessings on This table spread Our Lord In heaven [All sing together] Amen - It was beautiful.
- Goosebumps.
- Thank you.
- Gorgeous.
Now, let us enjoy a delicious and historically accurate Thanksgiving feast.
Been looking forward to this all day.
The harvest of my labors.
Ahh?! I'm sorry, just surprised.
12 o'clock smoked eel, 2 o'clock raw Atlantic Oysters, 6:45 a lukewarm, milk and corn samp, 9 o'clock lobster body.
There's no tails or claws or Enjoy everyone! - Oh.
- Oh honey, oh.
- I just died.
- Get the recipe.
The samp has a complex mouth feel.
The way she described it, I thought it would taste like barf.
Well, I finish whatever you don't have.
I think it's wonderful we've been blessed with a white Thanksgiving.
The whitest.
Jill, what do you do on Thanksgiving? Do you have any Jewish traditions? Um, well I'm American so, no.
We usually we go to my mother-in-law, Candace's but she's sequestered on that Cruise Murder jury.
Really? I love that trial.
Me too.
I am obsessed.
I'm obsessed.
The wife so pushed him overboard.
- Yes! - I mean, she's totally guilty.
Totally! Did you know that he filed for divorce two weeks before the cruise? Yes Brooke, we all watch Dateline.
Everyone, in the world.
We do have one family tradition.
We go around the table and say something we're thankful for.
Oh fun idea, Jill.
I'd like to improve on it.
Let's each say one thing someone else should be thankful for.
Okay, I'll go first.
Brooke, I think you should be thankful Lex didn't get indicted.
We have many blessings to count this year.
Millions, in fact! Not as many millions as last year, but Brooke, I recently read an article saying that losing money can actually be a relief because once you fall so far behind the Joneses, you're free from the pressure of having to keep up with them.
Yeah see? Something to be thankful for, right Lex? Oh my God.
Brooke's the nice one.
She's Jan Brady! Our ancestors were the first to colonize the final frontier! No one was here when they settled these rich lands.
No one! Aboard their ship, they careened toward a New World.
Alien to its terrain, strangers to a strange land, they changed the course of human history.
He's not done.
I don't think he's done.
Yes they did! I am sorry for the unexpected intermission everyone but I finally figured out what I am going to do next.
I bet it's an app.
No, running for office.
I'm going to Mars! [children giggle] We were way off.
Light years.
Children, why don't you take five? Uncle Lex is gonna do a little show of his own and then you can come back and finish.
I don't know what that play had to do with Thanksgiving, buddy but it really spoke to me.
So, Lex.
I mean, do tell.
How did you land on Mars? I didn't land on Mars, Barrett.
Mars landed on me.
It's the hottest game in town right now and I want a front row seat.
I found my calling in life.
I am a Space Pilgrim.
What about you, Brooke? How do you feel about Lex going to Mars? Of course, I think it's great.
After global domination the only place left for the Von Webers to go is intergalactic.
Am I right? Lex, I support you in your dream just as you supported me in mine.
I love you, babe.
Love you.
Aw cute! I'm so happy for you guys.
But I hope they don't have secretaries in space.
Dessert! What did the Pilgrims have for dessert? Raisins?! Why does Barrett hate Thanksgiving? I don't know, honey.
I told you not to worry about me.
Definitely not worried now.
Lex, are you sure you're feeling okay? I have never felt better.
Not even when I was at night three of Phish at Red Rocks.
It's an allergic reaction.
But my nephrologist said - [phone rings] - Hold on.
Jill? Ollie's party sounds like so much fun.
Tell me everything you're eating and go slow.
Oh, I'm not at Ollie's.
That sound is the din of all of my neighbors inside my apartment at once.
Wait, you're doing Thanksgiving with your neighbors? Mm-hm.
Look, I gotta go suture a fistula.
Don't ask.
When are you back? It's snowing here but nothing will prevent me from escaping this hell hole tonight.
This is the worst Thanksgiving ever.
Can we please do dinner tomorrow? Turkey, stuffing, gravy.
So much gravy.
Yes! Yes! A thousand times yes! Are you okay? You usually only go Pride & Prejudice when you're really losing it.
Oh you have no idea.
How could you let me come here? [painful moaning] I gotta go.
See you tomorrow! 41, 42.
I'm doing my kegels.
Oh, you can sit All right.
Sisterhood isn't always easy, but it is for always.
Happy Thanksgiving.
These bags won't be in stores for a month and I want you guys to have the first ones.
Thank you, Brooke.
Barrett, this reminds me.
You have not shown me your new Tory Burch.
What?! You haven't.
Okay, you know that I have a closet with my entire collection.
I put this one on a pedestal.
- [gasps] - It is breath-taking.
Okay, I am the founder and She-E-O of one of the fastest growing retail brands - in the country! - Cul de Sac.
Well aren't you impressed with yourself? I mean, it's not like you're Louis Vuitton, getting knocked off and sold on every street corner.
I mean, hardly.
Every BBQ or block party there's a version of Barrett's potato salad.
Everyone tries to recreate it, nothing competes with the original.
The secret is I make my own mayonnaise.
Barrett makes her own mayonnaise.
Ugh! Barrett! Barrett! Barrett! [mid-tempo music] Ah, this is stunning! Oh it is.
Oh my gosh, I could do a really great bath mat.
Or a pillow.
Put it in and then close the top.
[somber music] Brooke? Are you o cake! So good.
So good.
Brooke, I know it's hard.
Oh, don't look at me.
Don't let them get to you.
They're blonde, jealous turds.
They hate ya' because they ain't ya! Do you think Barrett ships her cakes? They're not jealous.
They love flaunting their perfect lives.
Their kids aren't hell cats.
Their Olympic medals aren't for participation.
Your kids are pooped from angels.
And Hawthorne might not cheat, but Lockhart definitely knows what a dick tastes like.
It's a gut instinct.
Even though your people came through Ellis Island, you're more my family than they are.
Brooke, family [gagging] - Jill, are you - Yes! That's the cake for my gender reveal party! Oh my God! [heavy breathing] It's a girl! [crying] No! Oh my God! [sobbing] Why? Why? I was wrong about the suburbs.
It's not a house of horrors, it's a house of snores.
[snoring] Jill: There's no darkness.
No secrets.
[ominous tones] Jill: Just banality.
Promise we never have to go back there again? I promise.
[suspenseful tones] [door creaks] [ominous tones crescendo] [chains rattle]