Odd Mom Out (2015) s03e05 Episode Script
Jury Doody
[Candace cackling.]
Previously, on Odd Mom Out.
How long has she been living with you? 525,600 migraines.
You need to get her on jury duty.
Now you're talking.
There's a 24 hour hotline you can call to volunteer.
[imitating Candace's voice.]
This is Candace von Weber.
I'd like to make a reservation for jury duty.
We usually go to my mother-in-law, Candace's, but she's sequestered on that cruise murder jury.
- I love that trial.
- Me too.
- The wife pushed him overboard.
- Yes.
- I mean, she's totally guilty.
- Totally.
So aside from watching Rachel Maddow and weeping over the state of the nation, what else happens to you this week? Ugh, Friday night is my second least favorite night of the year.
Hospital Holiday Party? Santa-Con.
Ugh! Wait, what's your least favorite? St.
Patty's Day.
Green vomit is way worse than candy cane vomit.
[phones buzz.]
- New York Times Alert.
- What did Trump do now? The verdict is in on the Cruise Ship Murder.
Oh my God! Nation shocked as Marianna Gildersleeve is found not guilty! This can't be happening! Right? She clearly pushed her husband overboard.
No, if the verdict is in, that means Candace is [Both.]
Out! Candace! Hello my darlings.
Hello mother.
Oh so good to see you.
Someone's excited to get gussied up again.
- Hi darling.
- Muah! Muah! - We've missed you, mom.
- Hello.
It must feel good to be back in your everyday life.
And your own apartment.
So, how are you doing? You have no idea what I have been through.
It was unspeakable.
And it was nothing short of savage.
I mean there are certain things one can't unsee.
Unhear.
Unsmell.
I'm so sorry you had to be exposed to all those violent, murderous details.
I was referring to the accommodations.
Would you like a cocktail? Yes, I'd like four gin and tonics.
Mother.
Well, we weren't allowed to drink! Whoa! You weren't allowed to pound booze? Not a drop.
Not even on the weekends? You remember Juror Number Seven was whisked away in the ambulance? On the news they said, "she literally couldn't even.
" She OD'ed on hand sanitizer.
Apparently, the good stuff is 120 proof.
Oh my God, Candace.
I am so sorry.
I had no idea that there were so many rules for sequestered jurors.
There I was, amongst the great unwashed.
[heavy sigh.]
Settle down everyone and we'll get started.
Here, sit.
Oh no, I couldn't.
I insist.
I've sat on a lot of questionable things in my day, but I've got to draw the line somewhere.
S.
O.
P.
for sequestered jurors is simple: no contact with the outside world.
What the heck is S.
O.
P.
? Standard Operating Procedure.
Please memorize it by E.
O.
D.
- What's E - End of Day.
So no newspapers, no phone calls, no email, no internet.
- Wait, no internet whatsoever? - Nada.
Not even Instagram? How am I supposed to know what Blue Ivy's eating for brunch everyday? Rules are rules.
So, it's just us communicating with each other? Like, with our mouths? For as long as it takes to reach a verdict.
So, introductions are in order.
I'll go first.
I'm Pam Tinkler, A.
K.
A.
Juror Number Four.
I work in H.
R.
and I'm mom to three adorable Yorkie puppies whose pictures I will not show you because I'm not here to make friends, I'm here to make justice.
Next? Uh, what's up everybody? Um, I'm Scott Hittler, with two "T" s, no relation.
- I'm an actor.
- With that name? That's my legal name.
My stage name is Scott Wayne Gacy.
Big improvement.
Recently did a half-day on SVU, so, let's just say, I'm quite familiar with the criminal justice system.
Dun Dun.
You remember that? Hargitay's a sweetheart, by the way.
Next? Ugh, it sounds so uncivilized.
On the bright side, you are part of history.
The entire nation was riveted by that trial, and you were there.
This is one of the main reasons I want to be among the first to colonize Mars.
Oh.
You're not joking.
I've got nine different plants on my terrace growing from my feces.
Wait, you do? I can't get the potatoes to seed because I think I should start eating gluten again.
Anyway, it must have been so exciting.
- It was the trial of the century! - Hm.
I just don't know how you could acquit someone so obviously guilty.
Oh Brooke, you sound just like the Prosecution.
On April 27th, 2014, Marianna and Tom Gildersleeve embarked on what should have been eight days and seven nights of marital bliss aboard The Brine and Dandy: a five star floating hotel with impeccable amenities and tantalizing ports of call.
But the prosecution will show, beyond reasonable doubt, that the defendant had only one thing in mind when she booked those tickets.
Which she paid for with his money.
She packed his and her bags.
But Marianna wasn't there for the 382 foot water slide.
She wasn't there for the all-you-can-eat paella bar.
No! Marianna Gildersleeve brought her husband on that cruise for one thing and one thing only Murder! [courtroom gasps.]
No remorse.
No shame.
Candace: All right, let's wrap this up.
All in favor of "not guilty" raise your hand.
As an actor, I have a keen understanding of character.
Marianna was feeling burned, desperate.
She knew her husband retained the services of a lawyer.
But surely you saw the dopp kit? And if they divorced she'd be broke as a yolk because of that pre-nup.
Her only way out of a life of poverty [knocking.]
Order in the courtyard! U.
N.
C.
! Under No Circumstances are we to discuss the details of the trial after hours! We are here to deliberate whether we're going to watch Seabiscuit or Beethoven's 2nd and take Steak & Shake orders.
Alyssa, should I put you down for roast beef? Third night in a row? It's only been three nights?! [terrified tones.]
Did you end up watching Seabiscuit or Beethoven's 2nd? Seabisuit is a classic and Debi Mazar's got some real zingers in Beethoven's 2nd.
I went back to my room just to find anything to just have a like a skosh of joy.
- Here's Captivating Cascade.
- Look at this.
- Oh boy.
- It's $300.
[remote control clicks.]
Now I realize that's not like rolling around in the bottom of my purse either - but for a necklace like this.
- Wow.
That's it? One channel?! This is all genuine Mother of Pearl.
- Now, holy smokes.
- Mmm-hmm.
This is a very elevated fabulous thing.
Now look at Sonja.
- Hello movie star.
- Hello gorgeous.
Look at this necklace.
It's just so elevated and divine.
According to your sworn affidavit, you were aboard the cruise ship celebrating your honeymoon, is that correct? - Yes.
- Congratulations.
That was three years ago, but thank you.
And on the night in question I wanted a beach honeymoon, but Joey wanted more of a city experience, so a cruise seemed like the perfect compromise.
We could lounge poolside in between exotic destinations.
Plus, we both loved the idea of going to a bunch of different places but without the hassle of constantly packing and unpacking, you know? And on the night in question, were you seated next to Mr.
And Mrs.
Gildersleeve on the fine-dining concourse? We sure were.
My husband wanted to sit next to this old couple 'cause their table looked kind of empty, but while we walking over there, I was like, why is it empty? Like did they have that musty, skin flap, septuagenarian smell? So we changed course to Tom and Marianna's table So how would you characterize the behavior of the Gildersleeves? In fifteen words or less.
Oh my God, they were so cute and flirty.
Like, they straight up canoodled their way through the iceberg wedge and the coconut shrimps So, Mrs.
Slutsky, what caused Mr.
Gildersleeve to suddenly throw down his white linen napkin and storm out? Meatballs.
Meatballs? The dish was a trigger for Tom Gildersleeve.
A red-sauced reminder of his wife's torrid affair.
- No way! - No! But what do meatballs have to do with an affair? The first Thursday of every month is Meatball Night at Nelio's.
That was the standing date for Marianna Gildersleeve and her illicit paramour, Mike Bauer.
At a pre-determined time, they would excuse themselves from the table, go have sex in the bathroom while their spouses sat clueless in the dining room.
Wait, this is huge! How is this affair not on the news? It was stricken from the record.
Why would they strike it? It proves that Marianna was a gold-digger who wanted to off her husband, inherit his millions and then run away with Mike Bauer! I bet the Defense objected arguing that it wasn't relevant - and the judge agreed.
- Exactly.
But, it's a motive for murder! Yes, thank you.
How do you not see that? Are we living on Mars? No offense.
None taken.
We will be soon.
According to the woman in the neighboring suite, she heard Marianna and her husband arguing.
But it didn't mean she was a credible ear-witness.
[suspenseful tone.]
It was about 7:35pm.
I know because I was watching The Wheel.
I heard a door slam and some muffled voices.
And then I heard a man's voice say "I want a divorce.
" And you're sure you heard him say, "I want a divorce.
" As sure as buying a vowel is a fool's move.
Thank you, Ms.
Popernick.
No further questions.
Ms.
Popernick, have you ever had your hearing checked by a professional? Uh, no.
Thanks.
Bailiffs, if you will? Your Honor, I present Exhibit 34-A.
[knocks.]
Please listen to the following phrase and tell me what you hear.
I want a (muffled).
I want a divorce.
From tape recorder: I want the main course.
Objection! This bit of scenery hardly duplicates the conditions of a crime scene.
Your Honor, Exhibit 34-A was built to scale and used the actual materials from a Brine and Dandy stateroom suite, just like the Gildersleeves-es.
Overruled.
[scoffs.]
What's going on? Let's try this again.
It's fun, right? [quirky music.]
I want a (muffled).
I want a divorce? From tape recorder: I want a seahorse.
[tape recorder crashes and breaks.]
Wha Come on! No further questions, your Honor.
Is he allowed to do that? [thump.]
[people in courtroom gasp.]
Offscreen: Is she okay? I love what you've done with the place.
You know, this duvet looks just like one I saw last week on HSN.
Imagine that.
We're not allowed to have unsupervised contact with the outside world.
How'd you smuggle all this in? Everybody has their price, darling.
Amazing! When you sashay down Madison Avenue, I bet men run after you like Cher at Gay Pride.
Dear, the only people who should run are children and thieves.
What I wouldn't do to walk a mile in your shoes.
May I? You want to? [laughing.]
I think you'd really do better in cone heels.
With so many options, how do you choose? What, men or heels? Both! When it comes to men I only have one rule: I refuse to be a nurse or a purse.
Do they carry compression socks on HSN? I'm starting to get varicose veins from sitting in that jury box all day.
What's in it for me? How about you hook me up with stuff from the outside world and I'll do your hair? I run a salon I.
R.
L.
as Pam would say.
All right, deal.
But if you keep speaking like Pam, you and your spider veins are on your own.
Rawr.
Hi.
You got the goods? Prescription painkillers, forty milligrams each.
Mmm.
Here we are.
Your 3-in-1 Roaster, Smoker, Grill with a recipe book.
Bless you! Nothing like the smell of a good Montecristo.
How'd you come by these? I had a bit part on Narcos.
The Prop Assist had a crush on me.
Thank you, from the bottom of my core.
Okay.
[phone rings.]
Oh, excuse me.
Apologies.
Oh, Brooke! I saw one of your bags on the street today in pink.
Oh, we don't do pastels, it's a knockoff.
The city is crawling with them.
Who do I have to sue? Oh, it's just what happens when you reach a certain level of success.
Hi! What's happening? This dinner is taking longer than the deliberation.
Have you gotten any juicy deets? Only stuff that makes me even more convinced that Marianna is guilty! So how the hell did they let her walk? Did the jury actually buy the Filthy Sheets Defense? We're not even there yet! But honestly? If Candace led the charge in letting this Black Widow go free and she kills again? That's blood on our hands.
This is why mere mortals shouldn't mess with fate.
Uh, as a doctor, isn't that what you do on a daily basis? Uh, excuse me, Compound Fracture Santa, you can't pee there.
You either, Bloody Nose Santa.
Okay, I gotta go.
Sorry, look.
I feel like we're talking about the OJ Trial and avoiding the glove.
Let's get to the good shit! Filthy Sheets! - Filthy Sheets! - Filthy Sheets! Okay, okay.
Simmer down.
After the couple argued, Tom was never seen alive again.
But Marianna was spotted at the discotheque lambada-ing with a bachelor party from Scottsdale at 3am.
- Guilty! - Guilty! You know, you chant "Filthy Sheets" but you deny its power.
It is a potent tincture that does terrifyingly erotic things to your mind and your body.
This isn't Midsummer Night's Dream.
You can't tell me that some New Age witch In the East Village is gonna concoct a potion that's gonna make me a vixen.
Care to try some for yourself? - What?! - Whoa! Please state your name and profession.
Morag Schwartz, co-executive potion master at Enchantments.
Can you describe your workplace? We're the oldest occult store in North America.
There's one in New Orleans that claims to be, but they're just a lesbian candle shop trying to re-brand.
Three days before the cruise set sail, did my client visit your workplace for advice? We did a spiritual consultation.
Marianna was seeking something that would help save her marriage.
- So you sold her a love spell? - I sold her a dram of Filthy Sheets.
It's a potent oil for sexual attraction which when combined with the right intention - is undeniable.
What was Marianna's intention? To dip her wick.
To dip her wick! And if her husband rejected her, could Filthy Sheets make her do this?! [people in courtroom gasp.]
Uh-huh.
And so much more.
If the sheets are filthy, then she is not guilty! [tense music.]
[indistinct chatter.]
Okay, let's say she was D.
U.
I.
Dancing Under the Influence.
All that proves is that she's not a - Skank! - Hoe bag! But it doesn't prove that she's innocent.
Finally we agree! Marianna Gildersleeve killed her husband.
Were you so deep in your HSN addiction that you couldn't see the truth? Actually, thanks to my Daisy Fuentes readers, I could see the truth perfectly clear.
[angelic music.]
[TV static noise.]
No HSN? Oh come on! Is your TV working? [quirky music.]
Yes.
[quirky music continues.]
No, Pam got wind of your operation and shut it down! She moosed with the wrong juror.
Who here thinks Marianna is guilty? And who votes not guilty? [suspenseful tones.]
I.
A.
N.
A.
L.
but the evidence I anal? I Am Not A Lawyer, but the evidence Pamela, please show everyone Exhibit 4-D.
[tense tones.]
See this prescription of Sildenafil Citrate? Who knows what that is? Oh come on, gentlemen.
Carlos? Erectile dysfunction, but I If Marianna were planning on killing her husband, why would she bring along his ED meds? Oh come on.
This is ridiculous! Why bother to pleasure someone you're planning on offing? Face it, Pam.
The Filthy Sheets, the ED meds.
Marianna's motivation for booking the cruise wasn't to murder him, it was to win him back! It's just like that three-episode arc I did on Zip it, Hittler.
If she packed the boner pill, then she did not kill.
Come on, Pam.
You know she's right.
[suspenseful tune.]
Fine, NG.
Not guilty.
Oh thank God.
Amen! The system works.
Another white person goes free.
Hand Sani-tinis for all! [jurors applaud.]
Holy shit! ED meds got her off.
It's a shame no one can know because we are actual heroes.
If we hadn't put Candace on that jury, an innocent woman would have been sentenced to life.
And we would have been sentenced to an 8-hour documentary on Netflix about her road to exoneration.
Oh, I gotta go.
Love you.
What? Filthy Sheets, baby.
[screams in disgust.]
Oh! That's supposed to be an aphrodisiac? Oh! It smells like Stevie Nicks' shawl closet.
No.
Chinese food farts? Ack, no.
Chris Christie's office chair.
So that's a no.
Previously, on Odd Mom Out.
How long has she been living with you? 525,600 migraines.
You need to get her on jury duty.
Now you're talking.
There's a 24 hour hotline you can call to volunteer.
[imitating Candace's voice.]
This is Candace von Weber.
I'd like to make a reservation for jury duty.
We usually go to my mother-in-law, Candace's, but she's sequestered on that cruise murder jury.
- I love that trial.
- Me too.
- The wife pushed him overboard.
- Yes.
- I mean, she's totally guilty.
- Totally.
So aside from watching Rachel Maddow and weeping over the state of the nation, what else happens to you this week? Ugh, Friday night is my second least favorite night of the year.
Hospital Holiday Party? Santa-Con.
Ugh! Wait, what's your least favorite? St.
Patty's Day.
Green vomit is way worse than candy cane vomit.
[phones buzz.]
- New York Times Alert.
- What did Trump do now? The verdict is in on the Cruise Ship Murder.
Oh my God! Nation shocked as Marianna Gildersleeve is found not guilty! This can't be happening! Right? She clearly pushed her husband overboard.
No, if the verdict is in, that means Candace is [Both.]
Out! Candace! Hello my darlings.
Hello mother.
Oh so good to see you.
Someone's excited to get gussied up again.
- Hi darling.
- Muah! Muah! - We've missed you, mom.
- Hello.
It must feel good to be back in your everyday life.
And your own apartment.
So, how are you doing? You have no idea what I have been through.
It was unspeakable.
And it was nothing short of savage.
I mean there are certain things one can't unsee.
Unhear.
Unsmell.
I'm so sorry you had to be exposed to all those violent, murderous details.
I was referring to the accommodations.
Would you like a cocktail? Yes, I'd like four gin and tonics.
Mother.
Well, we weren't allowed to drink! Whoa! You weren't allowed to pound booze? Not a drop.
Not even on the weekends? You remember Juror Number Seven was whisked away in the ambulance? On the news they said, "she literally couldn't even.
" She OD'ed on hand sanitizer.
Apparently, the good stuff is 120 proof.
Oh my God, Candace.
I am so sorry.
I had no idea that there were so many rules for sequestered jurors.
There I was, amongst the great unwashed.
[heavy sigh.]
Settle down everyone and we'll get started.
Here, sit.
Oh no, I couldn't.
I insist.
I've sat on a lot of questionable things in my day, but I've got to draw the line somewhere.
S.
O.
P.
for sequestered jurors is simple: no contact with the outside world.
What the heck is S.
O.
P.
? Standard Operating Procedure.
Please memorize it by E.
O.
D.
- What's E - End of Day.
So no newspapers, no phone calls, no email, no internet.
- Wait, no internet whatsoever? - Nada.
Not even Instagram? How am I supposed to know what Blue Ivy's eating for brunch everyday? Rules are rules.
So, it's just us communicating with each other? Like, with our mouths? For as long as it takes to reach a verdict.
So, introductions are in order.
I'll go first.
I'm Pam Tinkler, A.
K.
A.
Juror Number Four.
I work in H.
R.
and I'm mom to three adorable Yorkie puppies whose pictures I will not show you because I'm not here to make friends, I'm here to make justice.
Next? Uh, what's up everybody? Um, I'm Scott Hittler, with two "T" s, no relation.
- I'm an actor.
- With that name? That's my legal name.
My stage name is Scott Wayne Gacy.
Big improvement.
Recently did a half-day on SVU, so, let's just say, I'm quite familiar with the criminal justice system.
Dun Dun.
You remember that? Hargitay's a sweetheart, by the way.
Next? Ugh, it sounds so uncivilized.
On the bright side, you are part of history.
The entire nation was riveted by that trial, and you were there.
This is one of the main reasons I want to be among the first to colonize Mars.
Oh.
You're not joking.
I've got nine different plants on my terrace growing from my feces.
Wait, you do? I can't get the potatoes to seed because I think I should start eating gluten again.
Anyway, it must have been so exciting.
- It was the trial of the century! - Hm.
I just don't know how you could acquit someone so obviously guilty.
Oh Brooke, you sound just like the Prosecution.
On April 27th, 2014, Marianna and Tom Gildersleeve embarked on what should have been eight days and seven nights of marital bliss aboard The Brine and Dandy: a five star floating hotel with impeccable amenities and tantalizing ports of call.
But the prosecution will show, beyond reasonable doubt, that the defendant had only one thing in mind when she booked those tickets.
Which she paid for with his money.
She packed his and her bags.
But Marianna wasn't there for the 382 foot water slide.
She wasn't there for the all-you-can-eat paella bar.
No! Marianna Gildersleeve brought her husband on that cruise for one thing and one thing only Murder! [courtroom gasps.]
No remorse.
No shame.
Candace: All right, let's wrap this up.
All in favor of "not guilty" raise your hand.
As an actor, I have a keen understanding of character.
Marianna was feeling burned, desperate.
She knew her husband retained the services of a lawyer.
But surely you saw the dopp kit? And if they divorced she'd be broke as a yolk because of that pre-nup.
Her only way out of a life of poverty [knocking.]
Order in the courtyard! U.
N.
C.
! Under No Circumstances are we to discuss the details of the trial after hours! We are here to deliberate whether we're going to watch Seabiscuit or Beethoven's 2nd and take Steak & Shake orders.
Alyssa, should I put you down for roast beef? Third night in a row? It's only been three nights?! [terrified tones.]
Did you end up watching Seabiscuit or Beethoven's 2nd? Seabisuit is a classic and Debi Mazar's got some real zingers in Beethoven's 2nd.
I went back to my room just to find anything to just have a like a skosh of joy.
- Here's Captivating Cascade.
- Look at this.
- Oh boy.
- It's $300.
[remote control clicks.]
Now I realize that's not like rolling around in the bottom of my purse either - but for a necklace like this.
- Wow.
That's it? One channel?! This is all genuine Mother of Pearl.
- Now, holy smokes.
- Mmm-hmm.
This is a very elevated fabulous thing.
Now look at Sonja.
- Hello movie star.
- Hello gorgeous.
Look at this necklace.
It's just so elevated and divine.
According to your sworn affidavit, you were aboard the cruise ship celebrating your honeymoon, is that correct? - Yes.
- Congratulations.
That was three years ago, but thank you.
And on the night in question I wanted a beach honeymoon, but Joey wanted more of a city experience, so a cruise seemed like the perfect compromise.
We could lounge poolside in between exotic destinations.
Plus, we both loved the idea of going to a bunch of different places but without the hassle of constantly packing and unpacking, you know? And on the night in question, were you seated next to Mr.
And Mrs.
Gildersleeve on the fine-dining concourse? We sure were.
My husband wanted to sit next to this old couple 'cause their table looked kind of empty, but while we walking over there, I was like, why is it empty? Like did they have that musty, skin flap, septuagenarian smell? So we changed course to Tom and Marianna's table So how would you characterize the behavior of the Gildersleeves? In fifteen words or less.
Oh my God, they were so cute and flirty.
Like, they straight up canoodled their way through the iceberg wedge and the coconut shrimps So, Mrs.
Slutsky, what caused Mr.
Gildersleeve to suddenly throw down his white linen napkin and storm out? Meatballs.
Meatballs? The dish was a trigger for Tom Gildersleeve.
A red-sauced reminder of his wife's torrid affair.
- No way! - No! But what do meatballs have to do with an affair? The first Thursday of every month is Meatball Night at Nelio's.
That was the standing date for Marianna Gildersleeve and her illicit paramour, Mike Bauer.
At a pre-determined time, they would excuse themselves from the table, go have sex in the bathroom while their spouses sat clueless in the dining room.
Wait, this is huge! How is this affair not on the news? It was stricken from the record.
Why would they strike it? It proves that Marianna was a gold-digger who wanted to off her husband, inherit his millions and then run away with Mike Bauer! I bet the Defense objected arguing that it wasn't relevant - and the judge agreed.
- Exactly.
But, it's a motive for murder! Yes, thank you.
How do you not see that? Are we living on Mars? No offense.
None taken.
We will be soon.
According to the woman in the neighboring suite, she heard Marianna and her husband arguing.
But it didn't mean she was a credible ear-witness.
[suspenseful tone.]
It was about 7:35pm.
I know because I was watching The Wheel.
I heard a door slam and some muffled voices.
And then I heard a man's voice say "I want a divorce.
" And you're sure you heard him say, "I want a divorce.
" As sure as buying a vowel is a fool's move.
Thank you, Ms.
Popernick.
No further questions.
Ms.
Popernick, have you ever had your hearing checked by a professional? Uh, no.
Thanks.
Bailiffs, if you will? Your Honor, I present Exhibit 34-A.
[knocks.]
Please listen to the following phrase and tell me what you hear.
I want a (muffled).
I want a divorce.
From tape recorder: I want the main course.
Objection! This bit of scenery hardly duplicates the conditions of a crime scene.
Your Honor, Exhibit 34-A was built to scale and used the actual materials from a Brine and Dandy stateroom suite, just like the Gildersleeves-es.
Overruled.
[scoffs.]
What's going on? Let's try this again.
It's fun, right? [quirky music.]
I want a (muffled).
I want a divorce? From tape recorder: I want a seahorse.
[tape recorder crashes and breaks.]
Wha Come on! No further questions, your Honor.
Is he allowed to do that? [thump.]
[people in courtroom gasp.]
Offscreen: Is she okay? I love what you've done with the place.
You know, this duvet looks just like one I saw last week on HSN.
Imagine that.
We're not allowed to have unsupervised contact with the outside world.
How'd you smuggle all this in? Everybody has their price, darling.
Amazing! When you sashay down Madison Avenue, I bet men run after you like Cher at Gay Pride.
Dear, the only people who should run are children and thieves.
What I wouldn't do to walk a mile in your shoes.
May I? You want to? [laughing.]
I think you'd really do better in cone heels.
With so many options, how do you choose? What, men or heels? Both! When it comes to men I only have one rule: I refuse to be a nurse or a purse.
Do they carry compression socks on HSN? I'm starting to get varicose veins from sitting in that jury box all day.
What's in it for me? How about you hook me up with stuff from the outside world and I'll do your hair? I run a salon I.
R.
L.
as Pam would say.
All right, deal.
But if you keep speaking like Pam, you and your spider veins are on your own.
Rawr.
Hi.
You got the goods? Prescription painkillers, forty milligrams each.
Mmm.
Here we are.
Your 3-in-1 Roaster, Smoker, Grill with a recipe book.
Bless you! Nothing like the smell of a good Montecristo.
How'd you come by these? I had a bit part on Narcos.
The Prop Assist had a crush on me.
Thank you, from the bottom of my core.
Okay.
[phone rings.]
Oh, excuse me.
Apologies.
Oh, Brooke! I saw one of your bags on the street today in pink.
Oh, we don't do pastels, it's a knockoff.
The city is crawling with them.
Who do I have to sue? Oh, it's just what happens when you reach a certain level of success.
Hi! What's happening? This dinner is taking longer than the deliberation.
Have you gotten any juicy deets? Only stuff that makes me even more convinced that Marianna is guilty! So how the hell did they let her walk? Did the jury actually buy the Filthy Sheets Defense? We're not even there yet! But honestly? If Candace led the charge in letting this Black Widow go free and she kills again? That's blood on our hands.
This is why mere mortals shouldn't mess with fate.
Uh, as a doctor, isn't that what you do on a daily basis? Uh, excuse me, Compound Fracture Santa, you can't pee there.
You either, Bloody Nose Santa.
Okay, I gotta go.
Sorry, look.
I feel like we're talking about the OJ Trial and avoiding the glove.
Let's get to the good shit! Filthy Sheets! - Filthy Sheets! - Filthy Sheets! Okay, okay.
Simmer down.
After the couple argued, Tom was never seen alive again.
But Marianna was spotted at the discotheque lambada-ing with a bachelor party from Scottsdale at 3am.
- Guilty! - Guilty! You know, you chant "Filthy Sheets" but you deny its power.
It is a potent tincture that does terrifyingly erotic things to your mind and your body.
This isn't Midsummer Night's Dream.
You can't tell me that some New Age witch In the East Village is gonna concoct a potion that's gonna make me a vixen.
Care to try some for yourself? - What?! - Whoa! Please state your name and profession.
Morag Schwartz, co-executive potion master at Enchantments.
Can you describe your workplace? We're the oldest occult store in North America.
There's one in New Orleans that claims to be, but they're just a lesbian candle shop trying to re-brand.
Three days before the cruise set sail, did my client visit your workplace for advice? We did a spiritual consultation.
Marianna was seeking something that would help save her marriage.
- So you sold her a love spell? - I sold her a dram of Filthy Sheets.
It's a potent oil for sexual attraction which when combined with the right intention - is undeniable.
What was Marianna's intention? To dip her wick.
To dip her wick! And if her husband rejected her, could Filthy Sheets make her do this?! [people in courtroom gasp.]
Uh-huh.
And so much more.
If the sheets are filthy, then she is not guilty! [tense music.]
[indistinct chatter.]
Okay, let's say she was D.
U.
I.
Dancing Under the Influence.
All that proves is that she's not a - Skank! - Hoe bag! But it doesn't prove that she's innocent.
Finally we agree! Marianna Gildersleeve killed her husband.
Were you so deep in your HSN addiction that you couldn't see the truth? Actually, thanks to my Daisy Fuentes readers, I could see the truth perfectly clear.
[angelic music.]
[TV static noise.]
No HSN? Oh come on! Is your TV working? [quirky music.]
Yes.
[quirky music continues.]
No, Pam got wind of your operation and shut it down! She moosed with the wrong juror.
Who here thinks Marianna is guilty? And who votes not guilty? [suspenseful tones.]
I.
A.
N.
A.
L.
but the evidence I anal? I Am Not A Lawyer, but the evidence Pamela, please show everyone Exhibit 4-D.
[tense tones.]
See this prescription of Sildenafil Citrate? Who knows what that is? Oh come on, gentlemen.
Carlos? Erectile dysfunction, but I If Marianna were planning on killing her husband, why would she bring along his ED meds? Oh come on.
This is ridiculous! Why bother to pleasure someone you're planning on offing? Face it, Pam.
The Filthy Sheets, the ED meds.
Marianna's motivation for booking the cruise wasn't to murder him, it was to win him back! It's just like that three-episode arc I did on Zip it, Hittler.
If she packed the boner pill, then she did not kill.
Come on, Pam.
You know she's right.
[suspenseful tune.]
Fine, NG.
Not guilty.
Oh thank God.
Amen! The system works.
Another white person goes free.
Hand Sani-tinis for all! [jurors applaud.]
Holy shit! ED meds got her off.
It's a shame no one can know because we are actual heroes.
If we hadn't put Candace on that jury, an innocent woman would have been sentenced to life.
And we would have been sentenced to an 8-hour documentary on Netflix about her road to exoneration.
Oh, I gotta go.
Love you.
What? Filthy Sheets, baby.
[screams in disgust.]
Oh! That's supposed to be an aphrodisiac? Oh! It smells like Stevie Nicks' shawl closet.
No.
Chinese food farts? Ack, no.
Chris Christie's office chair.
So that's a no.