Odd Mom Out (2015) s03e06 Episode Script
Dadderall
1 I'm so Jill-ous of you, Hazel.
I miss getting all dressed up and wondering which boy I was gonna dance with.
Why don't you and Dad ever go dancing? I love Daddy, but he dances like a toddler hailing a cab.
Okay, what about this one? Ugh, I'd rather barf shards of glass.
Okay.
This one is sweet.
Just like you.
Hate.
You gotta work with me.
You hate full skirts, you hate sleeves- I like this.
Holy whorehouse! Are you insane?! Mom! I'm sorry, what I meant to say was, you're going to a Doubles Dance, not waiting for Liam Neeson to rescue you from Chechnyan sex slavery.
How about this one? You don't have the rack to hold that up! All right you're trying these on.
End of discussion.
These are so flowy and disgusting.
The tighter the dress, the looser the vagina.
Mom! This is such a fun age.
It says here the radiation in space could affect brain function and increase your risk of Alzheimer's and cancer.
Lex, this is serious.
And I'm serious about it.
What are you doing? Perfecting my balance and spacial awareness.
All the astronauts are doing it.
But they're not all doing it in my living room.
I'll put it away.
This one's for muscular strength and coordination.
"I hereby acknowledge that recruitment in MarsX" involves risk of serious injury, including permanent "disability and death.
" Lex, you're basically signing your life away.
Didn't I already agree to that when I signed up for Facebook's terms and conditions? Are you sure you want to do this? You have a wife and four kids; it's kind of selfish.
Not signing up earlier was more selfish.
Andy, here on Earth I have everything: a smokin' hot wife, a rainbow collection of pocket squares, A LEGO replica of the Burj Khalifa.
I don't have any of those things on Mars yet.
But give me a couple of years.
[VASE SHATTERS.]
Oh, okay sorry.
- Jill's gonna love that.
- I don't get it.
They're sending a rocket into outer space and shitting people out on Mars.
To do what? Make it habitable.
Stephen Hawking doesn't think we're gonna survive another thousand years on our fragile planet.
Trump in office that's probably closer to 300.
Maybe that's his plan all along: ruin this place so we all have to move to Trump Tower Mars.
Well the décor would be out of this world.
Keep up the dad humor and I'll be the next one applying for a seat on that rocket.
And with Hazel's schizo behavior I'm actually tempted.
Babe, do you think I made a mistake staying home all those years? I walked away from my career so I could raise good kids but if they're all going to be monsters, what was the point? - Dottie's not awful.
- Just dim.
I'm sorry, am I boring you recounting my sacrifices to raise your spawn? No, honey, I just have a really big day tomorrow.
Oh right, your Dad's Committee Night Out.
Well, you've gotta be fresh for Zombie Laser Tag.
[ENERGETIC ROCK MUSIC.]
Hey, Andy.
Just checking to see how that analysis is coming.
Pretty good.
I should have it to you in time for Wednesday.
About that, the presentation got moved up.
Oh great.
Up to when? - Tomorrow.
- That's down.
No.
You're thinking about pushed back.
You mean pushed up? Or moved down? Neither way, it's tomorrow.
I'll do my best, but this is a lot to go through.
Daryl got his done in ten hours, so your best should be at most that.
Hey, Daryl, sorry to interrupt.
No worries.
What can I do for ya? I'm trying to get through the Machlis analysis - but it's slow going.
- You want me to take a look? Actually, I'm such a pen and paper guy, is there some kind of new app or efficiency software- Yeah, it's called Riterall.
Can you send me a link? Sure, it's just stimulants now dot com slash how hard do you want to focus? Oh, what does that do? It makes you you, but better.
Oh jeez.
Um, no.
I appreciate it, but I think I'm gonna stick to the old fashioned way.
Let me know if you change your mind.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
- Ladies.
- Hi.
Hi.
Thank you so much for coming! I really needed you since we're in the final phase of dogfooding.
Are we the dogs or the food in this gerund? That's Silicon Valley speak for testing the products on ourselves before the semi-hard launch.
Slap a collar on me and scoop my poop, I'll be a dog for a day.
Me too.
I've always been jealous of those rabbits that get to try face creams first.
Great.
I've set up the crème de la crème for my besties from another testes.
You're doing the Heaven and Hades for skin and metabolism.
The electro-shockingly smooth cellulite treatment and I'm deciding between the Fired Up Facial or the Vampire.
Fired up? We set your face on fire to draw out impurities and reveal a layer of virgin cells.
I'm gonna go Vampire.
Amazecocks.
Saskia, let's start with a shot of corfo.
It tastes like fish tank.
It is so good for you all right? It's the closest thing to drinking human blood.
Now let's get started.
You are going to be so glowy afterwards.
We begin today as my family began each day on safari in India, with our ujjayi, our ocean breath.
[CHANTING.]
BROOKE: Namaste.
The practice of pranayam saved me from the atrocious behavior of the children and Candace.
I'm loving this color story, Brooke.
You are glowing like a gold plated bidet at Mar-a-Lago.
Meeting the women of ProvideHer was a gift from Ganesha that's their Oprah.
My family and I had the honor of attending the funeral of Head Dye Master Angali's brother.
And as I watched the family wash and dress the bloated cadaver in glorious gem tones and gold accoutrements, it came to me.
Von Weber is branching out into tabletop.
The top is my favorite part of the table.
Right?! And that's not all.
Linens, Home Decor.
I'm turning Von Weber into an empire.
I'm calling it, "Luxury" period.
"Reincarnated" period.
[BOLLYWOOD-STYLE MUSIC.]
So, how do you feel? Like I'm an undergrad again, selling my plasma for beer money.
I was picturing something a little more massage-y.
Yeah, I want cucumber water and where are you hiding the dick-top facials? Guys, it's a med-spa.
You gotta endure a little pain for big results.
Oh, what is this for? It emits small lasers into the vagina, creating tiny abrasions that then heal and tighten.
[MIMICS YODA.]
Oooooo, tightness you seek? Help me Obi Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope of penetration.
Guys! Guys! Guys! That's $185,000 machine.
Try to be adults today.
[MIMICS YODA.]
Do or do not.
There is no try.
Come on.
Thank you.
[MIMICS YODA.]
Bye.
[PHONE RINGS.]
This is Andy.
[WOMAN ON PHONE.]
Hi, I'm calling about your Laser Tag event tonight.
Hey! Hope you're ready for us.
We are fired up.
Due to a major power outage, we need to cancel.
What?! It took sixty-three reply all emails to plan this event! I can't start from scratch with six hours to go.
[WOMAN ON PHONE.]
Other than a full refund there's nothing we can do.
Shit! Hey Daryl.
Sorry, me again.
So, this Riterall, it really helps you get things done? Man, it's like there's five of you.
How much would I take? All right.
30 milligrams should get you going.
Any side effects? Well, you may experience headaches, hair loss, blurred vision, swelling of the face, lips, throat or tongue, addiction, diarrhea and or constipation.
As long as you hydrate you'll be fine.
- Okay, let's do this.
- All right.
- No heart problems, right? - What?! Just kiddin'.
Here you go.
[SUSPENSEFUL TONES.]
[EXAGGERATED AMBIENT OFFICE NOISES.]
ANDY: I had no laser tag, but I was laser focused.
Pinot.
[KEYBOARD CLICKS.]
Nailed it.
[WHISTLING.]
What is that atrocious noise? I'm just whistling while I still can.
You can't whistle in space because there's low air pressure.
Fun space fact.
Are you seeking employment as an astronaut or one of the seven dwarves? You know, I find out today whether or not I get accepted into the next round.
What if you don't? Lex, you're my only son with any real earning potential, so I pulled some strings and I got you this incredible int- I appreciate that, Mom, but I'm going to Mars, one way or another if I have to rent a spaceship and drive up there myself.
Don't you think this whole astronaut thing is really childish? Come on.
If by childish you mean I'm pursuing every boy's dream of being Neil Armstrong, then yes.
Well, every girl my age dreamed of being Elizabeth Taylor, but not everyone has our bone structure.
Was she an astronaut, too? You know, when I was a supple ingenue of seventeen, I was buying some semi-sheer nylons and I was approached by a talent scout from RKO.
He regaled me with tales of being in the movies.
So I pulled on my stockings and I raced home to see my mother.
And mother explained simply, that it was not a suitable career for one with of our pedigree.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Call that man.
Did you know they can't use ballpoint pens in space because there's no gravity there.
Vanessa, I'm dying! I can't hear you.
I've sweated out my eardrums! I need to go to my happy place.
Stay with me! Netflix and chill.
Netflix and chill.
No, Netflix and Jill! And time.
Next treatment.
This is worse! Friends don't freeze friends! I knew he wasn't over freshman year when we saw Soundgarden without him! Only 96 more seconds and you will be burning calories like a Kenyan marathon runner.
Netflix and warmth.
Netflix and warmth.
Remember when you were a second year and skipped Law Prom to cram case law on copyright infringement? Allen vs Escott established precedent of "innocent infringement.
" But didn't relieve them of liability.
Whether intentional or not, we're dealing with a tort here.
ANDY: I was Super Andy.
[KEYBOARD CLICKS.]
How's it coming, Andy? Here ya go, Naz.
I also translated it into German for our oversees investors.
We don't have any overseas investors.
I made some calls.
Incredible.
Thank you.
ANDY: There was no stopping me.
Highest Tetris score ever! Sixty degrees is the magic angle and you're gonna hold this for twenty minutes.
Oh, hey guys! Hey Oliver! Thank you so much for everything.
We just have to go and do busy stuff.
Honestly, I could not imagine being exposed to any more treatments.
I'd probably die.
Of appreciation, of course.
But we're gonna catch you later.
What a shame.
You guys made it through all that and you're going to leave with the same tired face.
Listen, we love what you're doing here, and I did notice my dermis is tighter than Mike Pence's anus, - but we just got- - After the Vampire.
Okay, but I've made peace with the fact that I am Wrinkle-stiltskin.
Before.
- We'll do it.
- We'll do it.
Okay.
Considering the name, that wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.
JILL: Yeah, we're gonna be glowing Edward Cullen style.
CGI fireflies everywhere.
Well? [BOTH SHRIEK.]
I thought I was supposed to look like a vampire, not mauled by one! You'll be thanking me soon enough.
When? ER patients want a friendly face, not a sriracha spill.
First you scab and then you peel, and if you're consistent with the cream I gave you, you'll be zygotes by Labor Day.
I have to take Hazel to her Doubles Dance tonight.
How can I do that if my face looks like it has its period? On the heaviest day of flow! Jill, how are you? I'm death warmed over and frozen again.
What are the chances I can ask you a mega favor? Technically it depends on the favor as I have thirty minutes to get to lower Madison to approve the hors d'oeuvres, leaving me 15 minutes of travel time except the barometric pressure suggests a 30 percent chance of rain which would slow me down by 90 seconds.
Whoa, Rainman.
What happened to Zombie Tag? I had to pivot to Pinot.
What do you need? I'm supposed to chaperone Hazel to her dance and I look like Hannibal Lecter after an all-you-can-eat buffet.
Sorry, honey.
No problem.
I will handle it.
Thank you and if you can't figure it out I can try to call that face transplant doctor.
Hopefully I won't look like John Travolta.
Honey, it's handled.
I owe you with every remaining pore in my being.
And I'll sneak in late so I don't scar the kids for life.
[LIVELY ROCK MUSIC.]
Well hello to you too, my little Hazelnut.
Hey.
"Hey" is for mall rats.
What's the face about? I hate this dress.
I look ugly.
Well it wouldn't have been my first choice either, but with my DNA coursing through your veins you could never be ugly despite your mother's contribution.
She made me get it.
Your mother dresses like a sad doll in someone's attic.
What did you have in mind? Saucy.
And Bloomies is on the way.
Hazel, how do you feel? I love it! Thank you so much.
Have fun! I'll be waiting.
DRIVER: She's gonna be pulling that thing up all night.
That's what I'm counting on.
[DEEP-VOICED CHANTING.]
[CHANTING.]
What are you doing here? I am here to celebrate.
I have Vindaloo.
I have Tikka Masala.
- I have - No naan! I have champagne.
What are we celebrating? You have conquered India.
And now, I'm one step closer to putting the von Weber flag on Mars.
I qualified for the next round.
- So this means - Just one month to prepare for the written and physical exams.
An innovator's wife and She-E-O of an empire.
Am I the white Beyoncé or is she the black me? If I might take this opportunity to curry your favor.
Not in front of Ganesha.
[LAUGHING.]
The key to building the perfect charcuterie is juxtaposing textures.
You take a hard salami with a soft pâté That's what she said.
More of the Cabernet? This Cab is so earthy and I can taste the maple, which is strange because that region hasn't see maple trees since the drought of aught 5.
Impressive.
Where did you study? I did a project in fifth grade for Arbor Day.
It's all just coming back to me.
[GROANS.]
You have headache.
I have cure.
I should switch to white.
You are so right.
[GROANS.]
You okay, Andy? Care to taste some French wine? Go, enjoy.
Well.
How was the dance? My friends and I had fun, Andy! Andy! Andy! But I think I got blisters on my feet from dancing too much.
Today kitten heels, tomorrow stilettos.
From here on out you're a slave to fashion.
How did your new frock suit you on the dance floor? It was okay.
Maybe this was, like, a special occasion? I see.
Well what do you say we keep that dress safe for you at my place until you're ready to wear it? Cool.
Thanks, Candace.
You know what I'm craving right now is a frozen hot chocolate from Serendipity.
Mind indulging me on the way home? I mean, if I have to.
And you can slip in the bathroom and put this on so we don't get busted.
[DISTORTED LAUGHING.]
[DISTORTED VOICE.]
Best Dad's night ever! Have you eaten today, Andy? You need some herring? I think I just need to lie down.
[DISTORTED VOICE.]
You gotta check out the effervescent room.
The effervescent room.
I'm just gonna go.
You look like how my throat feels.
I'm sorry.
Long day of no pain no gain.
Oh boy, do I understand that.
I just need to run this culture, so go home, get some rest and I'll follow up.
You are a God send.
I send you special thank you of wine.
Yes? Yes, I wish all my patients paid me in wine.
It's where most of my salary goes anyway.
- Feel better.
- You too.
Is it that bad? [HICCUP.]
Oh no, he's been like this for 36 hours? Looks like an acute attack of Intractable Singultus.
I think I have the cure, it's a bit unconventional, do you mind? [HICCUP.]
[GROWLS.]
[HOSPITAL MONITORS BEEPING.]
My work here is done.
[MOANING.]
- Who's there? - Oh Andy.
It's just me.
Oh God, I'm hallucinating! Ollie assures me I'm gonna look like myself in only seven weeks.
What happened to you? Was Dads Gone Wild a flop? No, no.
Evidently it was a big success but I couldn't enjoy it 'cause I was crashing so hard from the Riterall.
You took drugs? Why? Why did you do that to your face? Stupidly trying to recapture my uth.
Ugh, what a day.
Seriously.
[CELL PHONE BEEPS.]
What does Vanessa have to say? It's Brooke.
She "needs to talk.
" Why does she always text me that right before bed? Now I'm going to have nightmares.
That makes two of us.
[GROANS.]
I miss getting all dressed up and wondering which boy I was gonna dance with.
Why don't you and Dad ever go dancing? I love Daddy, but he dances like a toddler hailing a cab.
Okay, what about this one? Ugh, I'd rather barf shards of glass.
Okay.
This one is sweet.
Just like you.
Hate.
You gotta work with me.
You hate full skirts, you hate sleeves- I like this.
Holy whorehouse! Are you insane?! Mom! I'm sorry, what I meant to say was, you're going to a Doubles Dance, not waiting for Liam Neeson to rescue you from Chechnyan sex slavery.
How about this one? You don't have the rack to hold that up! All right you're trying these on.
End of discussion.
These are so flowy and disgusting.
The tighter the dress, the looser the vagina.
Mom! This is such a fun age.
It says here the radiation in space could affect brain function and increase your risk of Alzheimer's and cancer.
Lex, this is serious.
And I'm serious about it.
What are you doing? Perfecting my balance and spacial awareness.
All the astronauts are doing it.
But they're not all doing it in my living room.
I'll put it away.
This one's for muscular strength and coordination.
"I hereby acknowledge that recruitment in MarsX" involves risk of serious injury, including permanent "disability and death.
" Lex, you're basically signing your life away.
Didn't I already agree to that when I signed up for Facebook's terms and conditions? Are you sure you want to do this? You have a wife and four kids; it's kind of selfish.
Not signing up earlier was more selfish.
Andy, here on Earth I have everything: a smokin' hot wife, a rainbow collection of pocket squares, A LEGO replica of the Burj Khalifa.
I don't have any of those things on Mars yet.
But give me a couple of years.
[VASE SHATTERS.]
Oh, okay sorry.
- Jill's gonna love that.
- I don't get it.
They're sending a rocket into outer space and shitting people out on Mars.
To do what? Make it habitable.
Stephen Hawking doesn't think we're gonna survive another thousand years on our fragile planet.
Trump in office that's probably closer to 300.
Maybe that's his plan all along: ruin this place so we all have to move to Trump Tower Mars.
Well the décor would be out of this world.
Keep up the dad humor and I'll be the next one applying for a seat on that rocket.
And with Hazel's schizo behavior I'm actually tempted.
Babe, do you think I made a mistake staying home all those years? I walked away from my career so I could raise good kids but if they're all going to be monsters, what was the point? - Dottie's not awful.
- Just dim.
I'm sorry, am I boring you recounting my sacrifices to raise your spawn? No, honey, I just have a really big day tomorrow.
Oh right, your Dad's Committee Night Out.
Well, you've gotta be fresh for Zombie Laser Tag.
[ENERGETIC ROCK MUSIC.]
Hey, Andy.
Just checking to see how that analysis is coming.
Pretty good.
I should have it to you in time for Wednesday.
About that, the presentation got moved up.
Oh great.
Up to when? - Tomorrow.
- That's down.
No.
You're thinking about pushed back.
You mean pushed up? Or moved down? Neither way, it's tomorrow.
I'll do my best, but this is a lot to go through.
Daryl got his done in ten hours, so your best should be at most that.
Hey, Daryl, sorry to interrupt.
No worries.
What can I do for ya? I'm trying to get through the Machlis analysis - but it's slow going.
- You want me to take a look? Actually, I'm such a pen and paper guy, is there some kind of new app or efficiency software- Yeah, it's called Riterall.
Can you send me a link? Sure, it's just stimulants now dot com slash how hard do you want to focus? Oh, what does that do? It makes you you, but better.
Oh jeez.
Um, no.
I appreciate it, but I think I'm gonna stick to the old fashioned way.
Let me know if you change your mind.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
- Ladies.
- Hi.
Hi.
Thank you so much for coming! I really needed you since we're in the final phase of dogfooding.
Are we the dogs or the food in this gerund? That's Silicon Valley speak for testing the products on ourselves before the semi-hard launch.
Slap a collar on me and scoop my poop, I'll be a dog for a day.
Me too.
I've always been jealous of those rabbits that get to try face creams first.
Great.
I've set up the crème de la crème for my besties from another testes.
You're doing the Heaven and Hades for skin and metabolism.
The electro-shockingly smooth cellulite treatment and I'm deciding between the Fired Up Facial or the Vampire.
Fired up? We set your face on fire to draw out impurities and reveal a layer of virgin cells.
I'm gonna go Vampire.
Amazecocks.
Saskia, let's start with a shot of corfo.
It tastes like fish tank.
It is so good for you all right? It's the closest thing to drinking human blood.
Now let's get started.
You are going to be so glowy afterwards.
We begin today as my family began each day on safari in India, with our ujjayi, our ocean breath.
[CHANTING.]
BROOKE: Namaste.
The practice of pranayam saved me from the atrocious behavior of the children and Candace.
I'm loving this color story, Brooke.
You are glowing like a gold plated bidet at Mar-a-Lago.
Meeting the women of ProvideHer was a gift from Ganesha that's their Oprah.
My family and I had the honor of attending the funeral of Head Dye Master Angali's brother.
And as I watched the family wash and dress the bloated cadaver in glorious gem tones and gold accoutrements, it came to me.
Von Weber is branching out into tabletop.
The top is my favorite part of the table.
Right?! And that's not all.
Linens, Home Decor.
I'm turning Von Weber into an empire.
I'm calling it, "Luxury" period.
"Reincarnated" period.
[BOLLYWOOD-STYLE MUSIC.]
So, how do you feel? Like I'm an undergrad again, selling my plasma for beer money.
I was picturing something a little more massage-y.
Yeah, I want cucumber water and where are you hiding the dick-top facials? Guys, it's a med-spa.
You gotta endure a little pain for big results.
Oh, what is this for? It emits small lasers into the vagina, creating tiny abrasions that then heal and tighten.
[MIMICS YODA.]
Oooooo, tightness you seek? Help me Obi Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope of penetration.
Guys! Guys! Guys! That's $185,000 machine.
Try to be adults today.
[MIMICS YODA.]
Do or do not.
There is no try.
Come on.
Thank you.
[MIMICS YODA.]
Bye.
[PHONE RINGS.]
This is Andy.
[WOMAN ON PHONE.]
Hi, I'm calling about your Laser Tag event tonight.
Hey! Hope you're ready for us.
We are fired up.
Due to a major power outage, we need to cancel.
What?! It took sixty-three reply all emails to plan this event! I can't start from scratch with six hours to go.
[WOMAN ON PHONE.]
Other than a full refund there's nothing we can do.
Shit! Hey Daryl.
Sorry, me again.
So, this Riterall, it really helps you get things done? Man, it's like there's five of you.
How much would I take? All right.
30 milligrams should get you going.
Any side effects? Well, you may experience headaches, hair loss, blurred vision, swelling of the face, lips, throat or tongue, addiction, diarrhea and or constipation.
As long as you hydrate you'll be fine.
- Okay, let's do this.
- All right.
- No heart problems, right? - What?! Just kiddin'.
Here you go.
[SUSPENSEFUL TONES.]
[EXAGGERATED AMBIENT OFFICE NOISES.]
ANDY: I had no laser tag, but I was laser focused.
Pinot.
[KEYBOARD CLICKS.]
Nailed it.
[WHISTLING.]
What is that atrocious noise? I'm just whistling while I still can.
You can't whistle in space because there's low air pressure.
Fun space fact.
Are you seeking employment as an astronaut or one of the seven dwarves? You know, I find out today whether or not I get accepted into the next round.
What if you don't? Lex, you're my only son with any real earning potential, so I pulled some strings and I got you this incredible int- I appreciate that, Mom, but I'm going to Mars, one way or another if I have to rent a spaceship and drive up there myself.
Don't you think this whole astronaut thing is really childish? Come on.
If by childish you mean I'm pursuing every boy's dream of being Neil Armstrong, then yes.
Well, every girl my age dreamed of being Elizabeth Taylor, but not everyone has our bone structure.
Was she an astronaut, too? You know, when I was a supple ingenue of seventeen, I was buying some semi-sheer nylons and I was approached by a talent scout from RKO.
He regaled me with tales of being in the movies.
So I pulled on my stockings and I raced home to see my mother.
And mother explained simply, that it was not a suitable career for one with of our pedigree.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Call that man.
Did you know they can't use ballpoint pens in space because there's no gravity there.
Vanessa, I'm dying! I can't hear you.
I've sweated out my eardrums! I need to go to my happy place.
Stay with me! Netflix and chill.
Netflix and chill.
No, Netflix and Jill! And time.
Next treatment.
This is worse! Friends don't freeze friends! I knew he wasn't over freshman year when we saw Soundgarden without him! Only 96 more seconds and you will be burning calories like a Kenyan marathon runner.
Netflix and warmth.
Netflix and warmth.
Remember when you were a second year and skipped Law Prom to cram case law on copyright infringement? Allen vs Escott established precedent of "innocent infringement.
" But didn't relieve them of liability.
Whether intentional or not, we're dealing with a tort here.
ANDY: I was Super Andy.
[KEYBOARD CLICKS.]
How's it coming, Andy? Here ya go, Naz.
I also translated it into German for our oversees investors.
We don't have any overseas investors.
I made some calls.
Incredible.
Thank you.
ANDY: There was no stopping me.
Highest Tetris score ever! Sixty degrees is the magic angle and you're gonna hold this for twenty minutes.
Oh, hey guys! Hey Oliver! Thank you so much for everything.
We just have to go and do busy stuff.
Honestly, I could not imagine being exposed to any more treatments.
I'd probably die.
Of appreciation, of course.
But we're gonna catch you later.
What a shame.
You guys made it through all that and you're going to leave with the same tired face.
Listen, we love what you're doing here, and I did notice my dermis is tighter than Mike Pence's anus, - but we just got- - After the Vampire.
Okay, but I've made peace with the fact that I am Wrinkle-stiltskin.
Before.
- We'll do it.
- We'll do it.
Okay.
Considering the name, that wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.
JILL: Yeah, we're gonna be glowing Edward Cullen style.
CGI fireflies everywhere.
Well? [BOTH SHRIEK.]
I thought I was supposed to look like a vampire, not mauled by one! You'll be thanking me soon enough.
When? ER patients want a friendly face, not a sriracha spill.
First you scab and then you peel, and if you're consistent with the cream I gave you, you'll be zygotes by Labor Day.
I have to take Hazel to her Doubles Dance tonight.
How can I do that if my face looks like it has its period? On the heaviest day of flow! Jill, how are you? I'm death warmed over and frozen again.
What are the chances I can ask you a mega favor? Technically it depends on the favor as I have thirty minutes to get to lower Madison to approve the hors d'oeuvres, leaving me 15 minutes of travel time except the barometric pressure suggests a 30 percent chance of rain which would slow me down by 90 seconds.
Whoa, Rainman.
What happened to Zombie Tag? I had to pivot to Pinot.
What do you need? I'm supposed to chaperone Hazel to her dance and I look like Hannibal Lecter after an all-you-can-eat buffet.
Sorry, honey.
No problem.
I will handle it.
Thank you and if you can't figure it out I can try to call that face transplant doctor.
Hopefully I won't look like John Travolta.
Honey, it's handled.
I owe you with every remaining pore in my being.
And I'll sneak in late so I don't scar the kids for life.
[LIVELY ROCK MUSIC.]
Well hello to you too, my little Hazelnut.
Hey.
"Hey" is for mall rats.
What's the face about? I hate this dress.
I look ugly.
Well it wouldn't have been my first choice either, but with my DNA coursing through your veins you could never be ugly despite your mother's contribution.
She made me get it.
Your mother dresses like a sad doll in someone's attic.
What did you have in mind? Saucy.
And Bloomies is on the way.
Hazel, how do you feel? I love it! Thank you so much.
Have fun! I'll be waiting.
DRIVER: She's gonna be pulling that thing up all night.
That's what I'm counting on.
[DEEP-VOICED CHANTING.]
[CHANTING.]
What are you doing here? I am here to celebrate.
I have Vindaloo.
I have Tikka Masala.
- I have - No naan! I have champagne.
What are we celebrating? You have conquered India.
And now, I'm one step closer to putting the von Weber flag on Mars.
I qualified for the next round.
- So this means - Just one month to prepare for the written and physical exams.
An innovator's wife and She-E-O of an empire.
Am I the white Beyoncé or is she the black me? If I might take this opportunity to curry your favor.
Not in front of Ganesha.
[LAUGHING.]
The key to building the perfect charcuterie is juxtaposing textures.
You take a hard salami with a soft pâté That's what she said.
More of the Cabernet? This Cab is so earthy and I can taste the maple, which is strange because that region hasn't see maple trees since the drought of aught 5.
Impressive.
Where did you study? I did a project in fifth grade for Arbor Day.
It's all just coming back to me.
[GROANS.]
You have headache.
I have cure.
I should switch to white.
You are so right.
[GROANS.]
You okay, Andy? Care to taste some French wine? Go, enjoy.
Well.
How was the dance? My friends and I had fun, Andy! Andy! Andy! But I think I got blisters on my feet from dancing too much.
Today kitten heels, tomorrow stilettos.
From here on out you're a slave to fashion.
How did your new frock suit you on the dance floor? It was okay.
Maybe this was, like, a special occasion? I see.
Well what do you say we keep that dress safe for you at my place until you're ready to wear it? Cool.
Thanks, Candace.
You know what I'm craving right now is a frozen hot chocolate from Serendipity.
Mind indulging me on the way home? I mean, if I have to.
And you can slip in the bathroom and put this on so we don't get busted.
[DISTORTED LAUGHING.]
[DISTORTED VOICE.]
Best Dad's night ever! Have you eaten today, Andy? You need some herring? I think I just need to lie down.
[DISTORTED VOICE.]
You gotta check out the effervescent room.
The effervescent room.
I'm just gonna go.
You look like how my throat feels.
I'm sorry.
Long day of no pain no gain.
Oh boy, do I understand that.
I just need to run this culture, so go home, get some rest and I'll follow up.
You are a God send.
I send you special thank you of wine.
Yes? Yes, I wish all my patients paid me in wine.
It's where most of my salary goes anyway.
- Feel better.
- You too.
Is it that bad? [HICCUP.]
Oh no, he's been like this for 36 hours? Looks like an acute attack of Intractable Singultus.
I think I have the cure, it's a bit unconventional, do you mind? [HICCUP.]
[GROWLS.]
[HOSPITAL MONITORS BEEPING.]
My work here is done.
[MOANING.]
- Who's there? - Oh Andy.
It's just me.
Oh God, I'm hallucinating! Ollie assures me I'm gonna look like myself in only seven weeks.
What happened to you? Was Dads Gone Wild a flop? No, no.
Evidently it was a big success but I couldn't enjoy it 'cause I was crashing so hard from the Riterall.
You took drugs? Why? Why did you do that to your face? Stupidly trying to recapture my uth.
Ugh, what a day.
Seriously.
[CELL PHONE BEEPS.]
What does Vanessa have to say? It's Brooke.
She "needs to talk.
" Why does she always text me that right before bed? Now I'm going to have nightmares.
That makes two of us.
[GROANS.]