Odd Mom Out (2015) s03e09 Episode Script

Homo Erectus

1 From this humble airfield, a journey of epic proportions.
These brave explorers will make their way to Cape Canaveral for tomorrow's historic launch of the first ever manned mission to Mars.
These pioneers of space known as "The Mars 9" must today say goodbye to their loved ones and tomorrow to this spinning blue marble we call Earth.
[INDISTINCT PAPARAZZI CHATTER] Whenever you look at the moon, just know that I'm looking at the same moon.
Are you? I think Earth and Mars have different moons, Baby.
What about the sun? Same sun.
- Then sun.
- Yeah.
These intrepid men and women will depart not knowing when, or even if, they will return.
Von Webber, over here.
You look stunning.
Welp, said goodbye to Lex.
I can't believe he's really leaving.
I'm sorry, Honey.
Could you use some cheering up? Yeah.
I know just the thing.
(FLIRTY) Great minds think alike.
Quality time with the people I love.
Or person.
We could really use some reconnecting.
That's why I signed us all up for the sleepover at The Brewton Museum of Natural History.
Wait, what? - The whole family.
- No.
I mean, I love The Brewton Museum but sleeping there with 1000 other parents and their kids? I won't survive! You'll be visiting me in the Hall of Extinction.
Isn't it a New York rite of passage? It's a nightmare.
And, between work and his Dad's Committee, Andy and I haven't had sex in weeks.
The other day I caught myself winking at a zucchini.
At least you're not Brooke, she's not getting any for light-years.
Am I the only one who thinks Lex going to Mars is just a little bit crazy? It's insane.
Mars?! It takes eight months just to get there and once you do it's a life sentence of smelling other people's farts.
Oh my God, I never thought of that.
Yeah, you can't just crack a window! I'd rather live in the upside-down with a Demogorgon.
Hm? "Stranger Things.
" Binge pronto.
I'll watch it tonight.
You're not working? Nope, my schedule got shifted around.
No more Fridays.
Okay, in that case, Forget Winona Ryder talking to Christmas light.
I all caps beggin you come tonight, - please! - Yeah.
It'll be fun if you come! It will be like camping.
Minus the campfires, and s'mores, nature, shooting stars.
Okay, I didn't wanna have to do this, but desperate times you owe me.
For what?! For getting you laid, like monster laid, with that hot rocker dude in L.
Damn it, that was an epic lay.
[ROCK MUSIC] This is already the longest night of my life.
Don't worry, I packed us an array of essentials to get us through.
You did?! Yeah, camping sucks if you don't bring all the comforts of home.
I've got wine and booze wasn't sure what we'd be in the mood for.
Sandwiches from Katz's Deli, and some edibles I got from a neighbor.
No drugs or alcohol.
No outside food.
No smart phones or tablets.
Please have your bags open and ready for inspection.
You'll need to surrender your phone, ma'am.
Just one last text.
You're the wife of one of the Mars 9, right? The famous one, from the paper? Yes, I'm Br Mrs.
Lex von Weber! If you don't mind me asking, how are you holding up? Never better! Other people sacrifice their lives for our country.
The least I can do is sacrifice my husband.
It's not enough to get us hammered but it'll at least take the edge off so we don't beat ourselves to death with a dinosaur bone.
Quick, he's not looking.
Put them in your pockets.
I don't have pockets! Mine aren't big enough.
Andy, you have to hide these Shove them up your butthole, whatever it takes.
What? No! I can't break the rules! Honey, I tried to sneak apple slices into a movie theater and the usher kept glaring at me like he knew.
I had to leave Passion of the Christ halfway through.
SPOILER: he dies.
Do it! Next!? Bet you get a lot of people trying to smuggle stuff in, huh? Rules are rules! Why don't people get that?! Sir, what's that in your pockets? Every year there's a trouble maker.
I've got my eyes on you.
Dad Quick, kids.
Now we know what a one percenters' refugee camp would look like.
I'll drop the twins off for story hour.
Then Hazel, we'll start the scavenger hunt.
Mom Babe, why don't you run the twins over then come back.
We haven't hung out since we got his and her flu shots.
Plus, I think the scavenger hunt is for the kids to do with each other.
It's for everyone! Let's head over, kiddo! Come on.
Check out bubble mom.
Are those adult diapers? Oh my god yes! I thought she was an urban legend! Apparently her kid goes to Columbia Grammar and she's such a germaphobe she refuses to use a public bathroom.
I hope we're not downwind of her.
Brooke, hi! I've been thinking about you since I saw you from across the room.
How are you doing? I had breakfast with the Mayor this morning.
We're in talks to rename the onramp to the Midtown Tunnel Alexander von Weber Way.
So, never better! You've never looked better.
Your earrings are criminally insane.
25th wedding anniversary gift from Lex.
We celebrated all the big events he may miss before he left.
Oh my god, what are you doing here? Annabelle! What are you doing here? The boys love the sleep over.
I mean I didn't think we were gonna make it at first.
But I'm so glad we did.
Yeah, cool, cool, cool.
Well, you know me, I've just been rockin' and rollin' and whatnot Hi, I'm Jill Weber and this is my friend, Vanessa.
Annabelle Hughes.
Hughes? Yeah I went back to my maiden name.
Nice meeting you.
Bye, Simone.
Congratulations, you made it to the beaver dam! Your next clue will take you to a time before man.
Pretty sure they said "No Phones.
" Dad! Ava's diabetic.
She has a phone in case of emergencies.
You're so lucky you have diabetes.
Hazel, don't say that.
Diabetes is a devastating disease that kills people.
Oh my God! Sometimes! Okay, Hall of Dinosaurs is next, let's go! Guys, I'm so sorry.
Has anyone ever actually died of boredom? Clinically speaking, no.
We may be the first.
You're X's.
Also, this isn't chess.
Are you okay? Never better! Lights out in fifteen minutes.
Which means it's last call for early exits! Last call! Andy would kill me if I left.
And I would kill you.
Oh, come on, it's just one night.
Doors closing in 10 9 XOXO No, it's not just one night.
It's 9 every night? Jill, can I borrow your car? Sure, but where are you? Florida.
Watch my kids.
5 4 3 2 1 Andy!! Brooke just bolted! Shippley! Hi, your mom is fine.
You're not going to believe this.
She borrowed our car and hijacked some adult diapers.
She's going to piss herself through 16 states trying to get to Cape Canaveral.
Just like that Lady Astronaut! Wasn't she driving there to kill her husband for cheating on her with another astronaut? Whatever, it's romantic! Babe, wanna go laugh at the conical boobs on the early Pacific humanoids? Not this trip, but next time, okay? Forget it.
Okay, back to the Hazel?! Hazel? [ANIMALS SHRIEKING] Welcome to the Hall of Moms where we have every species known to man from the Suburbosaurus Anorex to the Botoxified Vomitocious.
We are way too sober for this.
Oh look, that weekend dadisour is about to go extinct.
Poor thing doesn't stand a chance against those cougars.
You should go rescue him before he winds up like that gazelle.
You're well aware of my strict "no dads" policy.
- Ah! Was that a flask? - Oh, I'm on it.
Jill will you be a dear and watch my kids for me? Sure, do your thing.
Is that a face bra? Wait, you don't mean all night.
'Cause Brooke's kids here.
[SNORING NOISES] She's sawing logs like Paul Bunyon.
She's right in Ben Franklin's G-spot.
'Scuse me? You know that precise place under a dome where if you whisper it echoes throughout the whole hall? Ugh.
Of course I got the worst cots.
Oh there are way worse; if you're on the perimeter you can count on an encounter with a rat.
(HORRIFIED) Great, thanks.
Jill, this is Dean.
Thanks for letting us sharing your space.
This dead weight is Tucker.
Welcome! Sorry it's crowded.
I suddenly have eleven children.
His mom packed the bag and forgot pj's.
And almost everything else, luckily she remembered this or I'd be in big trouble.
I don't suppose you want to share that with a couple of ladies who just saved you from being eaten alive by a pride of single moms.
Uh, sure I guess.
- Cough syrup? - With codeine.
It's the only thing that lets him sleep through that cough but I could get us some alcohol.
- Really? - You want to help me try? Jill, can you watch his kid? Sure.
If you see Andy just tell him the Old Woman in the Shoe is looking for him.
[ROCK MUSIC] I smell computers, right here.
Oh God! What are you doing? It's locked.
Oh, come on.
You really Wow, nice hands.
You a felon? Ha! Latch key kid.
Probably could've turned pro though actually.
So, are you like a computer whiz? I'm actually a hacker.
Oh You just hit "control alt delete.
" You a hacker too? I run the IT department for an investment firm.
Okay, Amazon Prime Now is at our finger tips.
A couple bottles of white, couple bottles of red.
Popcorn? Ooh, Sriracha.
How do we get a delivery in? Deliver to Fire Escape on Southeast side of museum.
That window's gotta open, right? Genius.
Okay, click purchase.
Done! Delivery within an hour!? Ok, I'll get supplies and meet you at the emergency exit.
So, how do you know Annabelle? We were summer friends.
We did everything together.
Spinning, hot spinning, yoga, yoga-spinning.
It was the best summer of my life.
Reminds me of that article, did you read it? It's about all these Hamptons women who spend the summer working out together and then fully start having affairs? It's called - "Lesbians Until Labor Day" - "Lesbians Until Labor Day" It just sort of happened and by the time summer ended we vowed to leave our husbands.
Only I chicken'd out.
Do you love her? She obvissimmi loves you, she left her husband for you.
I think about her every time I mount that saddle Okay, normally, I'd neck punch who said this but, you need to tell her how you feel.
Watch my kids Kids, yes.
Go, go, go.
Please drop delivery bag in sheet hammock, then tug.
Thanks, Dean.
- Good, right? - Yeah.
And here: Nice touch.
Is it on? Okay It's stuck.
Oh shucks.
Woah, woah, careful, careful.
I want to apologize for the way I acted earlier.
And for last summer.
I appreciate your apology.
Seeing you tonight, I I really miss you.
I really miss you, too.
It's almost summer.
Let's spin it together.
Oh What happens in September? I'm not going to be your dirty little secret, Simone.
You know I love you! I'd leave Sebastian if I could My books on tape have taught me that love is a verb and actions speak louder than words.
Right now I see you loud and clear.
Sir? Hi.
I know we got off on the wrong foot, but I need some assistance.
The smuggler needs help? Typical.
My daughter, Hazel, is lost.
Where'd you last see her? About an hour ago, near the Planetarium.
Go back.
That's her, right there, that's her! She's in the East African Hall.
Thank god.
What'd you think The T-Rex reanimated and gobbled her up? Well, she's only eleven.
Then you'd better run in there and rescue her! I'm just gonna go make sure she's okay.
Fun police.
The grossest thing was probably a teratoma.
It's a benign tumor, but this one had grown teeth and hair.
The beginnings of an eyeball The beginnings of an eyeball?! Holy crap! It's here! I've never been more excited to drink screw top wine in my life.
Thank you! Oh, Jeez, how many condoms are in here?! I didn't order those! I mean, I did, but not for us.
Not that I don't want to, you're a knockout and a good tipper They must have already been in my cart.
Crap! Oh, I thought that was pretty good.
It was, I just don't date dads.
Why? Step kids, ex-wives, it's not for me.
If you're still single when Tucker turns 18, gimme a call.
So, there might be a loophole if my son was older? Yeah, I'm not anti-breeder Okay, so that's my son is 26.
Tucker's my grandson.
But you're so hot! Any rule about dating a you know.
Nothing in the rule book about grandpas.
Which kid is the diabetic? Oh, um Why do you want to know? What are you doing?! It's too low, it's too low, you have to come over here.
Right in under Ben Franklin's g-spot.
You got to John Cusack it and jack it to eleven! It's our interval training song from yoga-spin! Hey We have one hour before they turn the lights on.
What are you talking about? I've been chasing the wrong girl all night.
You're coming with me.
You gonna throw me over your shoulder like a caveman? What?! Could you watch my twenty-seven kids? Thanks.
[INTENSE MUSIC] No! I got off the rocket.
Lex? Without you Mars just seemed like an inhabitable, wasteland with acid rain and shitty wifi.
I can just go to Newark for that.
- Yeah.
- I love you.
Are you wearing a diaper?