Odd Mom Out (2015) s03e10 Episode Script
Blood Bath
1 [IMITATES CANDACE'S VOICE.]
Hello, this is Candace von Weber.
I'd like to make a reservation for jury duty.
VOICEOVER: This season on Odd Mom Out.
What are the odds of getting sequestered? You have no idea what I've been through.
I am the founder and She-E-O of one of the fastest growing retail brands in the country.
It's not like you're Louis Vuitton getting knocked off and sold on every street corner.
What, did you make like a dentist and gun down Mufasa? What happens on safari, stays on safari.
I am capable of a lot more than you think.
It's time you started to recognize that.
Devon, consider yourself relieved of all duties.
Brooke.
I saw one of your bags on the street today in pink.
Oh we don't do pastels.
It's a knock off.
Are you talking about an IPO? Oh, the first rule of going public is you don't talk about it in public.
That weekend dadisaur is about to go extinct.
You should go rescue him.
Crap! I don't date dads.
Tucker is my grandson.
- Mom, all the girls shave.
- Take your time.
Don't just go with the flow.
Wait, you didn't get your period, did you? No.
But Remy and Molly have.
What?! So what exactly is happening at the temple tomorrow night? Okay, so basically they call the kids up and then give them their B'nei Mitzvah dates.
And then the parents scramble to book the nicest party venues and the kids race to look up their Torah portion.
Aren't they all the same? That's like saying all Spielberg movies are the same.
Okay, um, what was yours? Instructions on how to clean a post-coital penis.
Why is that even an option? Imagine a 13-year-old me chanting that.
What are you guys talking about? - Nothing! - Nothing.
- What's up, sweetie? - I was wondering if you wanted to shoot some hoops this weekend.
I would love it! Cool.
Love you guys.
Our little girl is maturing so nicely.
[SCREAMING.]
Mom! Dottie's wearing my Butter sweatshirt! Tell that hairy butthole to take it off or I'm electrocuting her favorite doll! Psycho.
Hazel's mood swings are more extreme than that pirate ship ride.
She goes from Lil Orphan Annie to Linda Blair in 15 seconds.
Yet you question my decision not to become a parent.
Looks like you might go straight to grandparent.
How's it going with hot Pawpaw? He's fun, confident and a champ in the sack.
You're not worried he's gonna break his hip while you're shtupping? Jill! He's not that old.
I don't think.
Are you gonna bring him tonight to celebrate Hazel's bat mitzvah date? Or is 6:30 too late for him to eat? Eating early is better for the digestion.
Can I have your potatoes if you're not going to? Go to town, I'm too nervous to eat.
This is the most me thing I've worked on in so long.
And if it gets rejected, it will suck balls.
Okay tell me what it is! I tell you everything, even work stuff I'm legally and ethically barred from sharing.
Remember those Peeps dioramas I used to make? Oh my God I loved those.
My favorite was the S&M one after our jaunt to The Vault.
With that one Peep fetishizing another's foot.
Even though they don't have feet? That's what made it so brilliant! When did you start making those again? Ah! Peep Navarro.
You can even tell how hung over I am.
I'm pitching Rawling House a coffee table book of my Peep tableaux to satirize the crazy shit in my life.
Amazing! Channel Ollie in your pitch and you'll definitely sell it.
Hmm, Brazilian.
Bold move, Peep.
I depict situations that have come to be thought of as "normal.
" But by holding up a fun house mirror to them, I'm able to expose them for how truly ridiculous they are.
Why Peeps? Sugar has a long tradition of being used as an artistic medium.
- Does it? - No, really.
In 1600, Maria de Medici was supposed to marry Henri IV, but he was off fighting a war.
So they commissioned local sculptors to create a sugar statue of the King to stand in his place at the altar.
While I'm impressed you memorized that delightful anecdote, I'm struggling to see how it relates to your work.
Well back then sugar was a luxury item.
So Its use in art was a flagrant display of wealth.
By using Peeps I'm employing a symbol of the everyman to comment on the lifestyle of today's rich.
I'll be in touch.
Uh, do you want me to keep my portfolio since Rupert wasn't able to attend? I'm sure one image will give him a complete picture.
Okay, thanks.
Honestly I feel really great about the work and the way that I pitched it.
Eff that nay-saying gatekeeper if she doesn't get it.
I'm on such a high.
- That's great, honey.
- What are you eating? Leftover Thai.
I couldn't stop thinking about the Pad See Ew.
You're home right now? Don't go anywhere.
Who buys books anymore? That's my con Devon! Hi.
[STUTTERS.]
Jill, hi, what-what are you doing here? Um, realizing or crushing my dreams, not sure yet.
Do you work here now? - Not exactly.
- Okay, well good to see you.
Yeah, you too! - Brooke! - Brooke! Dan, Doyle.
So, how are we pacing? This has honestly been the least stressful quiet period we've had.
The SEC said your books were cleaner Than a street corner in Singapore.
Are you ready to pick your stock ticker? Are you kidding? This is the happy place I go to when I'm forced to be with the children.
I want V-O-N.
Taken.
Velocity Omega National.
- B-VON? - Bank of Vanuatu.
- VON-W? - Venezuelan Oil Now.
Well what do you suggest? W-E-B-R.
I was really hoping to get the Von in there.
How about V-O-N-Z? It's like the Fonz but with a V.
VONZ.
Yeah, I like it.
Let's do this! Don't make waves for five more days and the next time we see you You'll be ringing the opening bell of the New York Stock Exchange.
[ALL.]
To VONZ! Nooners are so underrated.
No one's tired and it's supposed to end quickly.
Yeah, this feels good.
Lex has come to his senses, the kids are mostly okay, you and I are back on track.
Watch, now something terrible is going happen.
Why do you always do that? What? Poop on your rainbow? Why is it so hard for you when things are going well? History has shown that the Jews are always two rugelach away from persecution.
Regardless, thank you for the very unexpected encounter.
Oh! That reminds me.
I forgot to text Brooke I ran into her old assistant, Devon, at the publisher's.
Oh shit! Six missed calls from Hazel's school.
- Did they call you? - No.
I turned off my ringer for the meeting and I forgot to turn it back on.
Relax honey.
They probably just want you to stuff envelopes for the benefit.
Hi, this is Jill Weber, Hazel's mom.
Do you need me to come get her? She did? No, no, my mother's in Palm Springs.
My mother-in-law.
Well, why didn't you call my husband? Oh I see, okay.
Thank you.
Is she okay? Hazel just got her period.
[LIVELY MUSIC.]
Hazel, honey.
How are you feeling? I am so sorry that I wasn't there.
It's no big deal, Mom.
Nemo didn't have a mother and he did just fine.
We bought her a new ensemble and went for bellinis.
Thank you for being there, Mother.
We'll see you at the party? Yes.
And, Jill, I know I've made what's perceived to be mistakes in the past by not asking permission, so might I add a few adornments to tonight's dinner? Well I was recently sequestered for 41 days.
That's one day longer than Jesus lasted, Jill.
Humor me? That would be lovely, Candace, and thank you for asking.
I'm going to make it extra festive for our little woman here.
Thank you, Candace.
Love you.
See you tonight! Come on, sweetheart.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Brooke von Weber.
Yeah, I'm a producer from the Wendy Williams Show? Is it true your company Sorry, but I'm not at liberty to say at this time.
Ma'am, I'm trying to give you an opportunity to tell your side Sir, I appreciate your interest in Von Weber, but my official comment is, "no comment.
" Ugh, the press is clamoring for my story.
I can't wait until I can officially give them one.
Scaly, pustulant skin lesions isn't the worst Torah portion.
Can we not.
It could have been sodomy.
Jill! What is wrong with you?! FML.
Why don't you go pick up the twins and go home.
I'll deal with Maleficent.
Good luck.
I got mine when I was thirteen.
[GROANS.]
Pop pop and I were going out for a daddy daughter date.
I got all decked out in my Naf naf skirt and neon socks and as many black rubber bracelets I could get my hands on.
We went for Peking Duck and then he took me to Forbidden Broadway.
And then halfway through the Fiddler on the Roof spoof, I felt Niagara Falls in my undies.
During intermission I went to the bathroom.
And my Calvins looked like Butcher Lazar Wolf's apron.
I knew what it was but I didn't know what to do! So I put a quarter in the machine and I got a pad the size of California.
And we went back for Act 2.
And then afterwards, we were walking down the street on a theater high and all of the sudden, my pad falls out sunny side up on 60th and Third.
I didn't know you had to remove the adhesive strip thingy before sticking it in your underwear.
That's the worst story I've ever heard.
See? Getting your period during Russian Literature at an all girl's school is no biggie.
It was a lot more traumatic than that, Mom.
You'd know that if you'd actually been there.
[PLEASURABLE MOANS.]
- You're breathing heavy.
- I'm working hard.
Here, let me get on top.
I got this.
187 BPM.
- Wh-what are you doing? - Nothing.
Wait-is there a problem? You were just exhibiting signs of hypertension.
Overexertion for someone your age My age? I work out everyday and I eat way healthier than you.
Men over 55 are at greater risk for heart disease than There's some lube in the night table if you want to check my prostate.
Otherwise let's leave the doctor bag at the door.
Sorry.
[CLIMACTIC MOANS.]
Dean? Dean! Dean! Dean! Siri, call 911! Dean! No, fuck! [HYSTERICAL LAUGHING.]
Are you effing kidding me? You called me old so Now I'll call you old and an asshole.
Oh.
I totally ruined my uniform.
That's why God made Clorox 2 Stain Remover, Hazel.
Ugh, it's all so gross.
That is what the patriarchy would have you to believe, when in fact it is completely natural.
So is animals eating their young.
Good point.
Jesus, there are so many options! I thought it was just pads n' pons.
But now there's organic plungers, and latex shot glasses, and this washable underwear.
I'm actually gonna get us a couple of these.
I wanted it so badly but now that it's here I just want it to go away.
Oh Hazey.
[SINGING.]
Spotting, clotting, Moody, broody You're down in the dumps And you feel like doody Your zits will spring Your cramps will blow You'll have raging hormones And a tummy like dough Medusa, Madea, and Lady Macbeth Probs had PMS worse than death Go with the flow Go with the flow Your boobies get tender And your skin's a shitshow Your sanity's at its border Your sheets will look like Law and Order The diva cup The cotton rocket Shove a vampire teabag in your lady socket Go with the flow Go with the flow It's every woman's problem From a queen to a ho And so, my sweet Get a chocolatey treat And go with the flow You feel like this once a month and you still do everything you do? I never get any credit.
Welcome to womanhood.
[PHONE RINGS.]
It's Olivia from Rawling House.
I'm just gonna call her back tomorrow.
Kylie Jenner lip kits don't pay for themselves, Mom.
Take the call.
Hi, this is Jill.
What's happening? The boss wants to see more photos tonight.
I'm sorry I can't do tonight.
Do you have any time tomorrow or next week? Don't be crazy.
Invite him over.
[WHISPERING.]
Are you sure? Actually If he likes Sancerre he's welcome to come over.
Okay, thank you.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Thank you.
Tonight will be super fun and low key.
I promise.
[ALL.]
Surprise! [QUIRKY TUNE.]
Welcome to your Menarche Party! Bloody Mary's anyone? Honey, I tried to warn you.
I'm so sorry.
Candace never should have done this.
What are your granny panties in a twist about, darling? I asked.
This is actually insane! Oh I knew you'd love it.
I wonder when our cycles are gonna sync up? How is this my life? - [INTERCOM BUZZES.]
- That must be Dean.
He's the only one who's not here yet.
Not Dean.
He's dead to me.
Hello? It's Rupert from Rawling House.
We have one minute to give this place a hysterectomy.
Quick! Don't just stand there, hide everything! [DOORBELL RINGS.]
I can't watch.
I hope he likes fallopian tube pasta Pomodoro.
Hi, I'm Jill.
Welcome to my reproductive system.
A Menses Mojito for you.
I had no idea an in person meeting would be quite so personal.
Neither did I.
Would you like to peep my Peeps? Your work has the commentary of high art but the aesthetic of low.
How do you classify it? Well, I could just as easily see it next to a Limited Edition Taschen at Rizzoli as a Grumpy Cat Holiday special at Urban Outfitters.
Clever.
Is that Brooke von Weber? Oh yes.
This is my sister-in-law.
Enchante.
Oh look at the time, I really should be going.
Oh, we're just about to cut the cake.
Thanks, but I've got a plane to catch.
Well that got weird.
In his defense, it started out pretty weird.
True.
Ugh, I really wanted that book deal.
I've got the perfect cure for our disappointments.
Get a broom and we'll Whack-A-Womb! [UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC.]
Grab some shit.
- Turn around.
- Oh God! - Woo! - Ah! You got this! Think of all the cramps in college! [CHEERFUL WHOOPS.]
Nice shot.
Thanks, I was picturing this guy I used to date.
I'm sorry about before.
But if anyone should understand that health has nothing to do with age, it's an ER doctor.
You know firsthand that I could be 56 or 6 walking down the street and struck by a falling crane.
Oh well I wish you would.
You wouldn't be so bothered by something happening to me if you didn't actually like me.
Shit.
That's some old, asshole wisdom you just dropped on me.
Hey, I don't believe we've met.
Hands off.
He's mine.
[LAUGHS.]
Okay.
The next heart attack you have better be a real one.
Darryl just texted to turn on Wendy Williams.
Apparently they're doing a segment on Von Weber.
Being in the spotlight before going public can be a threat to the IPO.
But any press is good press, right? Oh sure, Babe.
VON WEBER: the label on the arms of supermodels and lips of rappers.
A name synonymous with luxury and philanthropy.
[PHONE RINGS.]
It's the guy from Rawling House.
Or is it? My first guest spent six years living a seemingly charmed life working for the woman who started it all.
And he's got a new book in which he reveals that his dream job was as glamorous as a hemorrhoid.
Please give it up for Devon de la Croix, the author of the scandalous tell-all, "Weber of Lies.
" [AUDIENCE APPLAUSE.]
Oh God.
I didn't know Devon had a last name.
I'm going to be sick.
Nice to meet you.
Yas, fabulous! So Devon, what made you decide to write this book? For years I didn't want to talk about my time with Brooke Weber but everyone kept asking - me about it so.
- Okay, hold up.
You just said, "Brooke Weber".
Where's the "von"? Well, Brooke will say it was [ALL.]
restored but gimme a 65 dollar cashier's check and an hour in Civil Court and I can make you Wendy von Williams.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- What?! Wendy von Williams? Yes, what do you think? You ungrateful weasel.
- Yas! - I will destroy him.
If he doesn't destroy you first.
You have that friend who's in a horrible relationship and bitches about it, but doesn't ever leave? Russ, yes.
[SOBBING.]
That was me.
You know, Brooke doesn't like anyone and when she laughs at your joke or lets you in on a secret, it makes you feel special.
Did she let you in on any big secrets? Enough to fill a 327-page book.
- Spill it.
- Well, someone told Brooke her company wasn't truly successful because she wasn't getting knocked off.
So Brooke asked me to research where bags could be made on the cheap.
Hold on.
Are you insinuating Brooke Weber is manufacturing her own knockoffs? Well, you'll have to read the book, but don't be surprised if there's a sweatshop in Mexico with 6-year-olds sewing VW emblems onto saddlebags.
That is so not right.
And that's just the tip of the iceberg! When we get back, the story behind this picture of the mother-in-law on a recent safari in Asia.
And the deets on her husband, the astro [BOTH.]
Not! Grab a snack and come on back.
[CELL PHONES RING.]
[TEXT MESSAGE PINGS.]
Is all of this true? Okay, I'll draft a cease and desist letter for Devon, then we'll sue the pants off of Rawling House for libel.
I'm calling the liquor store.
Rawling House bought my book! Let's get this period party started! What? There's no hiding, Jill.
The secret's out.
Candace, I am so sorry.
I had no idea that you would be picked let alone sequestered! - I - Jill.
What secret were you guys talking about?
Hello, this is Candace von Weber.
I'd like to make a reservation for jury duty.
VOICEOVER: This season on Odd Mom Out.
What are the odds of getting sequestered? You have no idea what I've been through.
I am the founder and She-E-O of one of the fastest growing retail brands in the country.
It's not like you're Louis Vuitton getting knocked off and sold on every street corner.
What, did you make like a dentist and gun down Mufasa? What happens on safari, stays on safari.
I am capable of a lot more than you think.
It's time you started to recognize that.
Devon, consider yourself relieved of all duties.
Brooke.
I saw one of your bags on the street today in pink.
Oh we don't do pastels.
It's a knock off.
Are you talking about an IPO? Oh, the first rule of going public is you don't talk about it in public.
That weekend dadisaur is about to go extinct.
You should go rescue him.
Crap! I don't date dads.
Tucker is my grandson.
- Mom, all the girls shave.
- Take your time.
Don't just go with the flow.
Wait, you didn't get your period, did you? No.
But Remy and Molly have.
What?! So what exactly is happening at the temple tomorrow night? Okay, so basically they call the kids up and then give them their B'nei Mitzvah dates.
And then the parents scramble to book the nicest party venues and the kids race to look up their Torah portion.
Aren't they all the same? That's like saying all Spielberg movies are the same.
Okay, um, what was yours? Instructions on how to clean a post-coital penis.
Why is that even an option? Imagine a 13-year-old me chanting that.
What are you guys talking about? - Nothing! - Nothing.
- What's up, sweetie? - I was wondering if you wanted to shoot some hoops this weekend.
I would love it! Cool.
Love you guys.
Our little girl is maturing so nicely.
[SCREAMING.]
Mom! Dottie's wearing my Butter sweatshirt! Tell that hairy butthole to take it off or I'm electrocuting her favorite doll! Psycho.
Hazel's mood swings are more extreme than that pirate ship ride.
She goes from Lil Orphan Annie to Linda Blair in 15 seconds.
Yet you question my decision not to become a parent.
Looks like you might go straight to grandparent.
How's it going with hot Pawpaw? He's fun, confident and a champ in the sack.
You're not worried he's gonna break his hip while you're shtupping? Jill! He's not that old.
I don't think.
Are you gonna bring him tonight to celebrate Hazel's bat mitzvah date? Or is 6:30 too late for him to eat? Eating early is better for the digestion.
Can I have your potatoes if you're not going to? Go to town, I'm too nervous to eat.
This is the most me thing I've worked on in so long.
And if it gets rejected, it will suck balls.
Okay tell me what it is! I tell you everything, even work stuff I'm legally and ethically barred from sharing.
Remember those Peeps dioramas I used to make? Oh my God I loved those.
My favorite was the S&M one after our jaunt to The Vault.
With that one Peep fetishizing another's foot.
Even though they don't have feet? That's what made it so brilliant! When did you start making those again? Ah! Peep Navarro.
You can even tell how hung over I am.
I'm pitching Rawling House a coffee table book of my Peep tableaux to satirize the crazy shit in my life.
Amazing! Channel Ollie in your pitch and you'll definitely sell it.
Hmm, Brazilian.
Bold move, Peep.
I depict situations that have come to be thought of as "normal.
" But by holding up a fun house mirror to them, I'm able to expose them for how truly ridiculous they are.
Why Peeps? Sugar has a long tradition of being used as an artistic medium.
- Does it? - No, really.
In 1600, Maria de Medici was supposed to marry Henri IV, but he was off fighting a war.
So they commissioned local sculptors to create a sugar statue of the King to stand in his place at the altar.
While I'm impressed you memorized that delightful anecdote, I'm struggling to see how it relates to your work.
Well back then sugar was a luxury item.
So Its use in art was a flagrant display of wealth.
By using Peeps I'm employing a symbol of the everyman to comment on the lifestyle of today's rich.
I'll be in touch.
Uh, do you want me to keep my portfolio since Rupert wasn't able to attend? I'm sure one image will give him a complete picture.
Okay, thanks.
Honestly I feel really great about the work and the way that I pitched it.
Eff that nay-saying gatekeeper if she doesn't get it.
I'm on such a high.
- That's great, honey.
- What are you eating? Leftover Thai.
I couldn't stop thinking about the Pad See Ew.
You're home right now? Don't go anywhere.
Who buys books anymore? That's my con Devon! Hi.
[STUTTERS.]
Jill, hi, what-what are you doing here? Um, realizing or crushing my dreams, not sure yet.
Do you work here now? - Not exactly.
- Okay, well good to see you.
Yeah, you too! - Brooke! - Brooke! Dan, Doyle.
So, how are we pacing? This has honestly been the least stressful quiet period we've had.
The SEC said your books were cleaner Than a street corner in Singapore.
Are you ready to pick your stock ticker? Are you kidding? This is the happy place I go to when I'm forced to be with the children.
I want V-O-N.
Taken.
Velocity Omega National.
- B-VON? - Bank of Vanuatu.
- VON-W? - Venezuelan Oil Now.
Well what do you suggest? W-E-B-R.
I was really hoping to get the Von in there.
How about V-O-N-Z? It's like the Fonz but with a V.
VONZ.
Yeah, I like it.
Let's do this! Don't make waves for five more days and the next time we see you You'll be ringing the opening bell of the New York Stock Exchange.
[ALL.]
To VONZ! Nooners are so underrated.
No one's tired and it's supposed to end quickly.
Yeah, this feels good.
Lex has come to his senses, the kids are mostly okay, you and I are back on track.
Watch, now something terrible is going happen.
Why do you always do that? What? Poop on your rainbow? Why is it so hard for you when things are going well? History has shown that the Jews are always two rugelach away from persecution.
Regardless, thank you for the very unexpected encounter.
Oh! That reminds me.
I forgot to text Brooke I ran into her old assistant, Devon, at the publisher's.
Oh shit! Six missed calls from Hazel's school.
- Did they call you? - No.
I turned off my ringer for the meeting and I forgot to turn it back on.
Relax honey.
They probably just want you to stuff envelopes for the benefit.
Hi, this is Jill Weber, Hazel's mom.
Do you need me to come get her? She did? No, no, my mother's in Palm Springs.
My mother-in-law.
Well, why didn't you call my husband? Oh I see, okay.
Thank you.
Is she okay? Hazel just got her period.
[LIVELY MUSIC.]
Hazel, honey.
How are you feeling? I am so sorry that I wasn't there.
It's no big deal, Mom.
Nemo didn't have a mother and he did just fine.
We bought her a new ensemble and went for bellinis.
Thank you for being there, Mother.
We'll see you at the party? Yes.
And, Jill, I know I've made what's perceived to be mistakes in the past by not asking permission, so might I add a few adornments to tonight's dinner? Well I was recently sequestered for 41 days.
That's one day longer than Jesus lasted, Jill.
Humor me? That would be lovely, Candace, and thank you for asking.
I'm going to make it extra festive for our little woman here.
Thank you, Candace.
Love you.
See you tonight! Come on, sweetheart.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Brooke von Weber.
Yeah, I'm a producer from the Wendy Williams Show? Is it true your company Sorry, but I'm not at liberty to say at this time.
Ma'am, I'm trying to give you an opportunity to tell your side Sir, I appreciate your interest in Von Weber, but my official comment is, "no comment.
" Ugh, the press is clamoring for my story.
I can't wait until I can officially give them one.
Scaly, pustulant skin lesions isn't the worst Torah portion.
Can we not.
It could have been sodomy.
Jill! What is wrong with you?! FML.
Why don't you go pick up the twins and go home.
I'll deal with Maleficent.
Good luck.
I got mine when I was thirteen.
[GROANS.]
Pop pop and I were going out for a daddy daughter date.
I got all decked out in my Naf naf skirt and neon socks and as many black rubber bracelets I could get my hands on.
We went for Peking Duck and then he took me to Forbidden Broadway.
And then halfway through the Fiddler on the Roof spoof, I felt Niagara Falls in my undies.
During intermission I went to the bathroom.
And my Calvins looked like Butcher Lazar Wolf's apron.
I knew what it was but I didn't know what to do! So I put a quarter in the machine and I got a pad the size of California.
And we went back for Act 2.
And then afterwards, we were walking down the street on a theater high and all of the sudden, my pad falls out sunny side up on 60th and Third.
I didn't know you had to remove the adhesive strip thingy before sticking it in your underwear.
That's the worst story I've ever heard.
See? Getting your period during Russian Literature at an all girl's school is no biggie.
It was a lot more traumatic than that, Mom.
You'd know that if you'd actually been there.
[PLEASURABLE MOANS.]
- You're breathing heavy.
- I'm working hard.
Here, let me get on top.
I got this.
187 BPM.
- Wh-what are you doing? - Nothing.
Wait-is there a problem? You were just exhibiting signs of hypertension.
Overexertion for someone your age My age? I work out everyday and I eat way healthier than you.
Men over 55 are at greater risk for heart disease than There's some lube in the night table if you want to check my prostate.
Otherwise let's leave the doctor bag at the door.
Sorry.
[CLIMACTIC MOANS.]
Dean? Dean! Dean! Dean! Siri, call 911! Dean! No, fuck! [HYSTERICAL LAUGHING.]
Are you effing kidding me? You called me old so Now I'll call you old and an asshole.
Oh.
I totally ruined my uniform.
That's why God made Clorox 2 Stain Remover, Hazel.
Ugh, it's all so gross.
That is what the patriarchy would have you to believe, when in fact it is completely natural.
So is animals eating their young.
Good point.
Jesus, there are so many options! I thought it was just pads n' pons.
But now there's organic plungers, and latex shot glasses, and this washable underwear.
I'm actually gonna get us a couple of these.
I wanted it so badly but now that it's here I just want it to go away.
Oh Hazey.
[SINGING.]
Spotting, clotting, Moody, broody You're down in the dumps And you feel like doody Your zits will spring Your cramps will blow You'll have raging hormones And a tummy like dough Medusa, Madea, and Lady Macbeth Probs had PMS worse than death Go with the flow Go with the flow Your boobies get tender And your skin's a shitshow Your sanity's at its border Your sheets will look like Law and Order The diva cup The cotton rocket Shove a vampire teabag in your lady socket Go with the flow Go with the flow It's every woman's problem From a queen to a ho And so, my sweet Get a chocolatey treat And go with the flow You feel like this once a month and you still do everything you do? I never get any credit.
Welcome to womanhood.
[PHONE RINGS.]
It's Olivia from Rawling House.
I'm just gonna call her back tomorrow.
Kylie Jenner lip kits don't pay for themselves, Mom.
Take the call.
Hi, this is Jill.
What's happening? The boss wants to see more photos tonight.
I'm sorry I can't do tonight.
Do you have any time tomorrow or next week? Don't be crazy.
Invite him over.
[WHISPERING.]
Are you sure? Actually If he likes Sancerre he's welcome to come over.
Okay, thank you.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Thank you.
Tonight will be super fun and low key.
I promise.
[ALL.]
Surprise! [QUIRKY TUNE.]
Welcome to your Menarche Party! Bloody Mary's anyone? Honey, I tried to warn you.
I'm so sorry.
Candace never should have done this.
What are your granny panties in a twist about, darling? I asked.
This is actually insane! Oh I knew you'd love it.
I wonder when our cycles are gonna sync up? How is this my life? - [INTERCOM BUZZES.]
- That must be Dean.
He's the only one who's not here yet.
Not Dean.
He's dead to me.
Hello? It's Rupert from Rawling House.
We have one minute to give this place a hysterectomy.
Quick! Don't just stand there, hide everything! [DOORBELL RINGS.]
I can't watch.
I hope he likes fallopian tube pasta Pomodoro.
Hi, I'm Jill.
Welcome to my reproductive system.
A Menses Mojito for you.
I had no idea an in person meeting would be quite so personal.
Neither did I.
Would you like to peep my Peeps? Your work has the commentary of high art but the aesthetic of low.
How do you classify it? Well, I could just as easily see it next to a Limited Edition Taschen at Rizzoli as a Grumpy Cat Holiday special at Urban Outfitters.
Clever.
Is that Brooke von Weber? Oh yes.
This is my sister-in-law.
Enchante.
Oh look at the time, I really should be going.
Oh, we're just about to cut the cake.
Thanks, but I've got a plane to catch.
Well that got weird.
In his defense, it started out pretty weird.
True.
Ugh, I really wanted that book deal.
I've got the perfect cure for our disappointments.
Get a broom and we'll Whack-A-Womb! [UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC.]
Grab some shit.
- Turn around.
- Oh God! - Woo! - Ah! You got this! Think of all the cramps in college! [CHEERFUL WHOOPS.]
Nice shot.
Thanks, I was picturing this guy I used to date.
I'm sorry about before.
But if anyone should understand that health has nothing to do with age, it's an ER doctor.
You know firsthand that I could be 56 or 6 walking down the street and struck by a falling crane.
Oh well I wish you would.
You wouldn't be so bothered by something happening to me if you didn't actually like me.
Shit.
That's some old, asshole wisdom you just dropped on me.
Hey, I don't believe we've met.
Hands off.
He's mine.
[LAUGHS.]
Okay.
The next heart attack you have better be a real one.
Darryl just texted to turn on Wendy Williams.
Apparently they're doing a segment on Von Weber.
Being in the spotlight before going public can be a threat to the IPO.
But any press is good press, right? Oh sure, Babe.
VON WEBER: the label on the arms of supermodels and lips of rappers.
A name synonymous with luxury and philanthropy.
[PHONE RINGS.]
It's the guy from Rawling House.
Or is it? My first guest spent six years living a seemingly charmed life working for the woman who started it all.
And he's got a new book in which he reveals that his dream job was as glamorous as a hemorrhoid.
Please give it up for Devon de la Croix, the author of the scandalous tell-all, "Weber of Lies.
" [AUDIENCE APPLAUSE.]
Oh God.
I didn't know Devon had a last name.
I'm going to be sick.
Nice to meet you.
Yas, fabulous! So Devon, what made you decide to write this book? For years I didn't want to talk about my time with Brooke Weber but everyone kept asking - me about it so.
- Okay, hold up.
You just said, "Brooke Weber".
Where's the "von"? Well, Brooke will say it was [ALL.]
restored but gimme a 65 dollar cashier's check and an hour in Civil Court and I can make you Wendy von Williams.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- What?! Wendy von Williams? Yes, what do you think? You ungrateful weasel.
- Yas! - I will destroy him.
If he doesn't destroy you first.
You have that friend who's in a horrible relationship and bitches about it, but doesn't ever leave? Russ, yes.
[SOBBING.]
That was me.
You know, Brooke doesn't like anyone and when she laughs at your joke or lets you in on a secret, it makes you feel special.
Did she let you in on any big secrets? Enough to fill a 327-page book.
- Spill it.
- Well, someone told Brooke her company wasn't truly successful because she wasn't getting knocked off.
So Brooke asked me to research where bags could be made on the cheap.
Hold on.
Are you insinuating Brooke Weber is manufacturing her own knockoffs? Well, you'll have to read the book, but don't be surprised if there's a sweatshop in Mexico with 6-year-olds sewing VW emblems onto saddlebags.
That is so not right.
And that's just the tip of the iceberg! When we get back, the story behind this picture of the mother-in-law on a recent safari in Asia.
And the deets on her husband, the astro [BOTH.]
Not! Grab a snack and come on back.
[CELL PHONES RING.]
[TEXT MESSAGE PINGS.]
Is all of this true? Okay, I'll draft a cease and desist letter for Devon, then we'll sue the pants off of Rawling House for libel.
I'm calling the liquor store.
Rawling House bought my book! Let's get this period party started! What? There's no hiding, Jill.
The secret's out.
Candace, I am so sorry.
I had no idea that you would be picked let alone sequestered! - I - Jill.
What secret were you guys talking about?