On Becoming a God in Central Florida (2019) s01e09 Episode Script
Wham Bam Thank You FAM
1 Previously I thought you told me Obie Garbeau was a killer.
Yeah.
A killer businessman.
What are you doing here? There is a change of ownership in the works.
Consider it the validation of a good idea.
[KRYSTAL.]
I got something Buck Bridges might want.
Obie's about to make a big purchase, and I thought your guy might want to buy it before Obie does.
How does Roger feel about you bringing Cody in? - Let's do this! - [HORN HONKS.]
[ROGER.]
She's a failed TV journalist with undue interest in Mr.
Garbeau's affairs.
Can I trust you to handle a task on your own? - Can someone help me? Hey.
- [GRUNTING.]
[RAPID BEEPING.]
[LOUISE.]
I'll put you on my payroll, you can grow with us.
[ERNIE.]
I-I knew I wouldn't want to talk about it, - so I bought a special hat.
- You're in denial.
I knew you were ready.
[EXHALES.]
Have you all seen Louise? I'm gonna head Is that Ms.
Krystal Stubbs or - Elly May Clampett? - [CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, sorry.
I thought Louise would be here.
Louise is at the stables.
- Mr.
Garbeau? - Yes.
You need to hold still.
[GRUNTS.]
- May I just say two words? - Of course.
You're fired.
The rest of you can cast my mouth parts when I'm damn well done talking.
[QUIET MURMURING.]
Krystal, you are witnessing my annual bronze bust casting.
I need the contours of my face to be remembered accurately in the event that I'm assassinated.
Okay.
Well, I'm done for today.
Don't go just yet.
Get a cigar for me.
They're in the box over there, somewhere.
Over there.
Thank you.
Oh, I need the cutter, as well.
The cutter.
The cutter.
Do you need me to light it for you, too? [LAUGHS.]
There is no smoking on the premises.
- Bye.
- You're dismissed.
[UP-TEMPO, DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
[ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING.]
[ANNOUNCER.]
Franklin Jefferson Washington - [AUDIENCE CHEERING.]
- Founders American Merchandise is proud to present Wham Bam Thank You FAM! 37th Anniversary Jam! [DOLPHIN CHITTERS.]
[ANNOUNCER.]
In beautiful Downtown Orlando, Florida, with your hosts, Founders American Merchandise Southeast Platinum Washington distributor Obie Garbeau II and Founders American Merchandise West Platinum Washington distributor Buck Bridges.
Come for the sun, stay for the week of fun, motivational seminars, meet and greets, new products, new downline, - - prizes, IBOs from all across America.
Call your upline now for tickets.
We're kicking it all off with our annual charity telethon.
This year, we're raising money for the FAM Orphan Fund.
Can you believe this little businessman is an orphan? - [AUDIENCE.]
Aww.
- I can't.
The Jam is all about getting the tools you need to build a moneymaking distribution business.
But FAM doesn't just build businesses.
- FAM builds families.
- FAM builds families.
- [EXPLOSIVE WHOOSH.]
- [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.]
[ANNOUNCER.]
Catch all our special guests, including Plate-Spinning Polly, - Ernie Gomes and Family - [HAROLD.]
Dad, that's you.
You're gonna be famous.
Nah.
Y-Your mom and me are gonna talk about the importance of family.
[CHUCKLES.]
You're gonna be famous.
You remember your part? Check it.
FAM is - way cool.
- [ERNIE CHUCKLES.]
[ANNOUNCER.]
FAM fireworks extravaganza.
- [FIREWORKS EXPLODING ON TV.]
- [GRUNTS, BREATHES SHAKILY.]
[ANNOUNCER.]
meet and greets, new products, new downline, prizes, - IBOs from all across America.
- [HIGH-PITCHED RINGING.]
[MUFFLED, DISTORTED.]
Call your upline now for tickets.
[DOOR OPENS.]
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- Dad? [OBIE.]
You're swimming in the deep end now.
It's natural for you to feel fear.
[OVER TAPE.]
But it's like I always say It's not the fear that's dangerous.
It's how you respond.
The second you let the fear take control of you, your words, your mind, your future, you've lost.
You see, a Founders man takes that fear, and he turns it into drive.
A Founders man takes that fear, and he uses it to gas up his luxury sedan.
And one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
And Louise, two, three, four Gosh, I hope we've hired a different spotlight operator.
Last year, they made me look like Bea Arthur.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Oh, you could start backlit.
That was my secret in my pageant days.
I could help you with the lighting if you want.
- Or choreography or - Oh, Krystal.
Gosh, I just love your zip.
But, you know, you'd be surprised just how far you can go if you just pay your dues.
That's something that I'd like us to explore.
You've only been working here for what, two weeks? Right? And you got a little ahead of yourself with Splashercize, if you remember.
But you're part of this family.
So for Wham Bam, well, I'm thinking maybe you might want to do our makeup.
Huh? How's that sound? Yeah.
Oh, I'm thinking maybe a-a deep violet to really make your eyes pop.
- No, I'm not - I love it.
surprised [CHUCKLES.]
that you came up with such a great idea, Krystal.
[LOUISE.]
Oh, and, dear, we need a little work still on the fire totems for the week, so, uh, if you wouldn't mind staying late, then Kiyoko will stay, and she'll watch Destinee, all right? - Of course, Louise.
- That's great.
- All right, I need agua.
- [CLAPS.]
Pronto.
[LOUISE EXHALES.]
Boy, really wears you out, huh? [LAUGHTER.]
[CLASSICAL CELLO PIECE PLAYING.]
[SIGHS.]
You know any En Vogue? - What's that? - You know.
Free your mind and the rest will follow [FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING.]
- [PLAYING "FREE YOUR MIND".]
- You may pack up now, Melody.
[PLAYING STOPS.]
Melody doesn't listen to dirty music.
[LAUGHS.]
Dirty music? En Vogue? I've heard that song.
It's about being a prostitute and selling dope.
You'll find that as your own daughter grows, that it's important to monitor what she's exposed to.
Garbage in, garbage out.
[SIGHS.]
[TWIG SNAPS.]
I see you.
[CODY.]
Oh.
Hey Krystal.
I'm just I'm enjoying the scenery.
This, uh this bush, for instance.
This is an Ilex aquifolium, also known as a Nellie Stevens Holly.
It's incredible.
Incredible tree.
- [SNIFFS.]
- You're the nelly.
Does Louise know that you're smoking? You know, Obie always says the only habit nastier than smoking is poverty.
You got to quit spying on me, Cody.
- I'm not - If you want to accuse me of something, accuse me.
If, um, someone were trying to give Mr.
Garbeau a bad name, like, if they were doing it on purpose, what-what would the punishment be? Are you anticipating punishment? No.
[LAUGHS.]
No, no, I'm just I'm thinking ahead.
You know, like that journalist, if she if she did something, or if things get hinky this week at the Wham Bam Thank You FAM 37th Anniversary Jam.
If there's aggression, we put a stop to it.
Yeah.
Totally.
But when Mr.
Garbeau was swearing me in, he-he mentioned, um [CHUCKLES.]
killing.
That never happened before, right? [DOOR OPENS.]
We put a stop to it.
[MAN.]
Excuse me.
Mr.
Garbeau is asking for you.
Uh, apologies, Mr.
Penland.
He asked for Mr.
Bo-nair.
It's "Bonar.
" [DOOR OPENS.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[SPRAY GUN HISSING.]
Hmm.
You know, I never had a son.
Which is why the FAM Orphan Fund means so much to me.
Oh.
We can't have any streaks.
If any sickos or perverts were to lay a hand on one of those kids, I would dismember them piece by piece.
Yeah.
Me, too.
I haven't been able to think about anything else for weeks.
I need you to promise me something.
Of course, sir, anything.
With the telethon upon us, I want you to be in charge of protecting those children - from the sickos.
- Yes.
- Nothing is to happen to them.
- No.
No, sir.
You know, you've been issued a firearm for a reason.
You are the last line of defense from the sickos.
Yes, sir.
Here.
[QUIETLY.]
Here.
Here.
Okay.
Very good.
We're good.
Good, good, good.
Oh.
I, um I bought a box of toys for the kids.
- Don't forget to bring that with you.
- Okay.
Spectacular work, son.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Spectacular.
Thank you.
[SIGHS.]
Okay.
Um, "Who was the smartest man in the Bible?" I don't know.
Who? "Abraham.
He knew a Lot.
" "A Lot.
" Yeah.
Genesis.
Yeah, okay, then.
"Why do you have to be quiet in church?" - Why? - "Because people are sleeping.
" Oh.
Guess they're not afraid to go after the pastors, hmm? [SIGHS.]
[CLEARS THROAT SOFTLY.]
[SIGHS.]
I'm sorry, Bets.
Uh, I don't think he's coming.
Do you think it's the FAM again? Yeah.
I do.
[ERNIE.]
Darn it, Bets, I've told you, it's Wham Bam.
Now is not the time to talk about it! [BETS.]
You said you said you would wear that hat and talk to me on July 25.
Now, I didn't get the hat thing at first, but I went with it.
July 25 was last week, and now it's Wham Bam.
I am so sick of you hiding behind FAM.
[ERNIE.]
I am not hiding! I-I am helping people.
[BETS.]
Are you? Are any of these people making any money, Ernie? [ERNIE.]
I-I opened the door for 'em.
What, am I supposed to walk through it for 'em, too? [BETS.]
Listen to yourself.
FAM is changing you.
- [ERNIE.]
Please stop! - [SIGHS.]
Bets, we will talk about this [SNIFFS.]
[ARGUMENT CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY.]
[FLUSHES TOILET.]
Hell.
Damn.
Piss.
Shit.
Ass.
Motherfucker.
Bitch.
Pimp.
Dick.
Boobs.
Motherfucker.
Bitch.
- [FLUSHES TOILET.]
- Ass.
Shit.
Pimp.
Dick.
Boobs.
- [DOOR CREAKS OPEN.]
- [SNIFFS.]
Hi.
- Hey.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
Are you ready for your din-din? [DESTINEE FUSSING.]
Make a phone call.
Who's on the phone? Is this your handwriting? Yeah.
Krystal, have you been working with that journalist, Mirta Herrara? Mm Oh, yeah.
She heard me at your rally and wanted to interview "The Alligator Widow.
" That's it.
Oh.
- Oh, okay, that's it.
- Listen, I took a job driving my ass out to Paradise Cay three times a week so I could do arts and crafts with Louise.
- Uh-huh.
- So you can get off my back about this loyalty crap.
Yeah, well, that's the thing, Krystal.
The Krystal I know doesn't just say "yes, ma'am, no, ma'am" with a smile.
The Krystal I know doesn't do that without a smile, either, so I'm just I'm wondering, why did you decide to work with Louise? [SCOFFS SOFTLY.]
Cody, I know you don't get this, but some people take jobs because they need the money.
I'm working the best job I can find, 'cause I don't want my daughter to be homeless, in case I decide I don't want to live with you.
[SOFTLY.]
I'm just trying to protect you, Krystal.
[PHONE RINGING.]
Protect me from what? [PHONE CONTINUES RINGING.]
[SIGHS HEAVILY.]
Hello.
Yes, I'm calling for a Krystal Stubbs? - Yeah.
- I'm with Sunnysid Terrace Senior Living.
[BIRDS CHIRPING.]
- Hi.
- [WOMAN.]
Hello.
I'm Krystal Stubbs.
I'm Ruth.
Oh, I'm here for the interview with, uh You know what, I never got a name, but I'm here for the office manager position.
- I got called.
- Oh.
Sheila? [TINNY MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
This lady says she's here to interview for manager.
But I'm the manager.
Oh.
What did you say your name was? - Krys - [PAT.]
Krystal Stubbs.
Oh, goddamn it.
I am sorry about the crank call.
But you should be flattered, because you have been requested by a butter-fudging millionaire! [BUCK.]
Hi.
- [CHUCKLING.]
Buck Bridges.
- Hi.
Platinum Washington.
Let's take a little stroll.
- Okay? - All right.
You know, Obie and I, we stay out of each other's territory.
But I am finding that more and more of my IBOs are retiring here in Florida and staying involved with FAM.
You know, for the passive income, of course.
Uh-huh.
Uh, look I need to get to work.
Hey, look, honey, when you accosted Patrick in the men's room of the Hilton Hotel, you seemed very eager to talk to me.
What happened to you? [MOCKING.]
"What happened to you?" Let's go outside.
Okay? Come on.
- Ah - [INDISTINCT CONVERSATION.]
Uh, excuse me, guys.
We're gonna need that table.
Come on, come on, double time, Cocoon.
- What'd he say? - Okay.
So - The game has changed.
- [PATRICK GRUNTING.]
Now, if Garbeau's gonna go after my guy with brawn, I'm gonna go after him with brains.
Espionage.
- [SIGHS.]
- Now you had a private recording of Obie, and you have access to Paradise Cay.
Somewhere on the grounds, there is a recording from August of '78 in Miami, and it would be very damaging to Obie if his downline were to hear it.
So I want you to find that tape - No.
- I will make it No.
Obie was gonna buy the water park that I was manager at, and I thought, if you outbid him, then maybe I wouldn't lose my job.
Do you want to buy the water park? [CHUCKLES.]
Buy a water park next to Disney World? No, I definitely do not.
Okay.
Well, then we're done here.
[CHUCKLES.]
$10,000.
And he'll never know it was you.
So pretty.
Who's pretty? Who's pretty? I'm pretty? I'm pretty? Huh? I'm pretty? I'm pretty? - [PHONE RINGING.]
- All right, come on.
Here we go, here.
- Brush my hair.
- [PHONE RINGING.]
[STAN.]
What are you doing? You think this is funny? Hello? Krystal Stubbs is on the phone for you.
- I'm not here.
- [GIGGLING.]
She says it's important.
Okay.
All right, girls.
I'll be right back, okay? Come on [STAN SIGHS.]
Here you go.
Thanks, honey.
The park's in escrow.
I really don't want this deal to fall apart now.
- I don't need another bidder.
- [KRYSTAL.]
No.
I just If you weren't selling the park, do you think I'd have worked out as manager? [STAN.]
Oh.
Well, I don't know.
You're no Ernie.
You don't like to work.
Well, who likes to work? Ernie.
I just said that.
Look, you don't like to work, but [SIGHS.]
you also don't take crap from people.
You're always coming up with new ideas to make things better.
You would have done a fine enough job.
Maybe a good job.
Can I use you as a reference? If another opportunity comes up? Yeah, yeah.
Of course.
Thanks, Stan.
Have a nice life.
- [SIGHS.]
- [PHONE BEEPS.]
[BIRDS SINGING AND COOING.]
What? Here's some coffee.
I'm sorry I've been so suspicious of you.
I've just been so paranoid about the reporter thing.
I want you to know that I'm going to trust you from now on.
Good.
You have to.
[SIGHS.]
[OBIE.]
The successful entrepreneur knows that business is war.
And on the day of the great battle, a true warrior does what he must to focus on the task at hand.
We know our enemies, FAM distributor.
We're at war with complacency.
With mediocrity.
With a world that tells us what we've got to take and who we've got to be.
[HORN HONKING.]
But take heart, friend.
You have trained for this.
You can take it.
You will win this war.
It takes time, and it takes guts.
And no, it won't be easy, because it is war.
And war is heck.
[PLAYER CLICKS OFF.]
Hey, bud.
About the telethon.
You know, I I think I got to fly solo on this one.
I think I'd do a better job if I go alone.
Because of Mom? [MARTIAL MUSIC.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[OBIE.]
Yes, my friends, that is why we FAM distributors rally together.
That is why we lean on one another.
Because when the stinker thinkers are at the gate - [MAN.]
There's Obie! - [OBIE.]
you can look to your right and you can look to your left and see people just like you.
People fighting for the same dreams as you, for the same hopes as you, the same success.
And all the fear washes away.
That's why they can't touch us.
We have our independence because we band together.
We are the defenders of a prosperous tomorrow.
Dawn will break, Founders distributor, and when it does, we'll be on that hill watching the sunrise together, victorious.
[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING.]
[LAUGHS.]
- Hey.
- Hey.
Nice tan.
You pick that up at the strip mall trolling for downline? Is that where you found your wife? - [BOTH LAUGH.]
- Hi.
How are you? You're beautiful.
[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING CONTINUE.]
Mr.
Garbeau, the orphans are here.
I'm taking care of them.
No perverts.
Where's my wife? I don't know, sir.
This way, Mr.
Garbeau.
She's inside.
[BUCK.]
How are you? Thanks for coming.
Good to see you.
Come on.
Let's go.
We're going.
Let's go.
Don't touch the weird man.
Don't touch him.
Hold hands.
We're going, okay? Everybody hold hands.
- Oh.
- [DESTINEE COOS.]
Numbers are on the fridge.
Hell, you know the deal.
Is there something you want me to say? Uh, yeah.
One fancy party.
That's all it took before you treatin' me like the help.
And then I don't even hear from you till you need a sitter.
[SIGHS.]
I can't get into this now, but I'm sorry.
- Really? - You are very lucky that my crabbies needed to get out the house.
[DESTINEE BABBLING.]
I'll be a better friend, I promise.
Mm-hmm.
Thank you.
This is a huge favor.
Oh, no, it isn't, 'cause you're paying me.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Okay.
Bye, baby.
Hey, Krystal, you don't let those people change you, okay? [DOOR CLOSES.]
[MAN.]
Camera three, hold.
- [MAN 2.]
Hold three.
- [MAN 3.]
Position one.
- [BELL RINGS.]
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
So, uh, look alive.
[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING.]
[ANNOUNCER.]
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Platinum Washingtons Obie Garbeau II and Buck Bridges! [APPLAUSE AND CHEERING.]
Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the 37th Annual Wham Bam Thank You FAM Anniversary Jam telethon.
For the next 24 hours, we're going to be bringing you the best of the best right into your living room, and, folks - [BUCK.]
Wait a minute, Obie.
- Hey, I just got warmed up.
You know what? I think we're being rude.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- What? Oh, yeah, I get it.
We haven't introduced ourselves.
- That's right.
- Hit it! [PIANO PLAYS INTRO TO "LET'S CALL THE WHOLE THING OFF".]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[VIOLINS AND ORCHESTRA JOIN PIANO.]
My name is Bridges And my name is Garbeau You do bachata And you do the mambo - [BUCK.]
Bridges - [OBIE.]
Garbeau - [BUCK.]
Bachata - [OBIE.]
The mambo Let's call the whole thing FAM I have the East Coast And I've got the west side My downline is primo And my folks are topside - East Coast - West side One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
Like, really pump it.
Oh, Krystal.
There you are.
Ready to get your makeup done? We forgot some of our hats, and they're at Paradise Cay, so I'm gonna need you to go get them.
Can't someone just bring 'em? There's no one there who can leave.
Okay.
Let's call the whole thing FAM Let's call the whole thing FAM [CHEERING.]
Thank you! [KRYSTAL.]
Hello? Anybody here? [SETS PURSE DOWN.]
Miami '78.
Huh.
"The Garbeau Glow: Secrets to a Healthy Marriage.
" - Thank you, dang - [DOOR OPENS.]
[MAN.]
Looking for something? Uh, Louise sent me.
I'm looking for a backup tape for her dance number.
There's nothing like that down here.
Judd, right? Yeah, that's right.
Listen, I was also gonna see if I could get a gift for my fiancé.
A throwback.
From August '78.
Miami? Maybe it's with the eight-tracks? Oh, those got thrown out.
Really? I'll ask around, but I'm afraid you're out of luck.
Look, I don't know what happened to you I'm afraid you're out of luck.
[FOOTSTEPS DEPARTING.]
And only you can help these sad kids find happy FAM families.
[OBIE.]
And just like all FAM products, there are no returns, - because they're all perfect.
- [BUCK.]
Yes.
So call the number on your screen if you want to adopt one of these beauties.
Or make a donation.
And here's how it works.
We've got a bank of volunteers standing by to take your calls.
Now, your donations will be recorded and tallied on our handy tally board.
And I got to tell you, donations have been pouring in all week, and we are just off to a great start.
And later, we'll be opening the envelopes in this box and counting the rest of those early donations.
For the next 24 hours, Buck or I will be manning the Master Phone.
High-dollar callers will receive three minutes of personal mentorship.
- With who? - With who? - Bridges - Garbeau - [BUCK.]
Bachata - [OBIE.]
The mambo [BOTH.]
Let's call the whole thing FAM Let's call the whole thing FAM FAM roast tortilla chips? I don't want trouble.
- 60% less fat than potato chips.
- Don't make nice.
I know it was one of you Garbeau goons who did this to me.
You know exactly what I'm talking about.
I don't.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Your newest thug, Bonar? I have proof.
I was supposed to do a duet with Mr.
Bridges.
"Sound of Silence," but, uh You know, uh [BUCK.]
We'll be right back.
[SIGHS.]
I was shot once in a jungle in Cambodia.
Oh.
Thank you for your service.
[LAUGHS.]
My body began healing the moment I was shot.
Today, it's a scar.
[EXHALES.]
I am sorry you can't perform with Mr.
Bridges.
Thanks.
Worthy systems sustain themselves.
Your body will heal.
And the Garbeau organization will disregard any retaliation.
[BIRDS SQUAWKING.]
- [JUDD.]
Pull over! - [POUNDING.]
It's Judd Waltrip! - Let me out! - Judd? What are you doing back there? I had to stow away because of the security cameras.
We need to talk.
- Why? - I have a quid pro quo.
A what? A quid pro quo.
- A squid? - Quid! Quid pro quo.
It's Latin.
It means trade.
You wanted the Miami '78 tape.
It was destroyed years ago.
But I have something just as good.
- What's that? - A story.
I was at the top of FAM, but still, I was barely breaking even.
That didn't stop Obie from parading me around like I was his best business success.
So I tried something new: I wrote my own book.
I sold my own tapes.
It worked.
I was finally thriving.
It was your Splashercize.
Obie excommunicated me.
He told my wife I had been having sex with men! I don't know if she believed him or not, or just went along with what he said.
It's a very sad story, but - where's the quid? - I'm getting to it.
I decided to fight back.
And when I wouldn't shut up, they sent that attack dog.
Roger Pendleton? That man blew up my boat.
After that, I just wanted to survive.
So, when he said I could earn my way back into FAM, to my family, I took his offer.
And I've been doing their chores ever since.
- You and me both.
- And after all I did, Harmony still won't let me see our daughter.
Melody? Why's your story worth anything? Obie tried to kill me for telling it.
It's dangerous to him.
I can make a call.
If it's something I can sell, I'll consider it.
You just have to help me see my daughter tonight.
Even just for five minutes.
How's three minutes and 56 seconds sound? Five minutes isn't a big ask.
No, that's how long her mom's onstage for their dance number.
I can sneak her out and have her back before anyone notices.
- Can they pick a different song? - What? - No.
- Wh-What about "Purple Rain"? Judd, I can't change the song.
You have three minutes, 56 seconds.
[CROWD CHEERING, CHATTERING.]
Great.
Everybody's here.
Keep walking.
Ernie.
[KIDS MAKING GUNSHOT NOISES.]
- [BOY 1.]
I shot you first! - [BOY 2.]
Nah-uh! Should they be playing with guns? Yeah.
Where's your family? [SIGHS.]
Ernie, you're supposed to go onstage with your family.
[STAMMERS.]
They're being Do you want these kids to get adopted or not? [WHISPERS.]
Find a family.
Have you seen Krystal? The orphans went on without makeup.
They look beautiful.
They-they look terrible.
[SIGHS.]
Ernie, can you watch them for a sec while I try to find her? Okay? Stop eating! It's not for you guys.
- [BOY.]
Eat my shorts.
- [KIDS LAUGHING.]
[CODY.]
Get a life! Hey, no, none of that.
Put the food down.
Come on.
Get your guns.
Come with me.
Orphans, walk.
Move.
Orphans moving.
Come on.
I don't like these.
Me, neither.
You excited about being on TV? It's like you get to meet a bunch of new friends all at once.
The really lucky ones, you know what they get? A new member of their family.
- Like you.
- That'd be pretty cool.
- [RECORDER PLAYING.]
- And thank you, folks at home, for tuning in.
We're gonna be here a long time, so let's get those phones ringing.
And I guarantee you we're gonna have fun.
[BUCK.]
We're gonna have lots of laughs.
[PHONE RINGING.]
¿Mija? How much can I get for Judd Waltrip's story? He got excommunicated, then they brainwashed his wife, they took away his kid and firebombed his boat.
I'll have it all on tape.
Good to hear from you, Krystal.
Oh, sorry.
I'm in a hurry.
- How's rehab? - They gave me different pills to get me off the pills I was on.
The new pills are pretty good.
Sounds great.
Well, no respectable outlet is gonna just buy a taped testimonial.
Stories have to be verified.
So you'd need an actual reporter.
Do you know any? Shut the fuck up.
If we do this right, I can get my job back and have a chance at paying for this vacation.
- But I want 20%.
- 15.
- Deal.
- Okay, great.
- Maybe Geraldo will run it.
- [CLICK, DIAL TONE.]
You're welcome.
Krystal, are you sure about this? Look at him.
I couldn't imagine if someone took Destinee away from me.
Oh, stop it, that's not why you're doing this.
These are bad people.
Mm-hmm.
Harmony won't let Melody listen to En Vogue.
Okay.
Okay, how can I help? You just point that at him and hit record.
Make it quick.
Harmony's going on soon.
[ERNIE ON TV.]
The good Lord gave me a gift.
No, not talent.
Not smarts, either.
What I was blessed with is much more important You did this.
- Oh, sweetie.
- You wouldn't let me go, - and now Dad has a new family.
- What? [ERNIE.]
support of the people in my life who matter most.
- [DOOR SLAMS.]
- They give me talent.
That's what FAM's all about.
Family.
Being a husband and a father to these special people.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- [DOGS BARKING NEARBY.]
- [GRUNTS.]
[GRUNTING.]
Have Louise and them gone on yet? Building's still standing, isn't it? 'Cause they're gonna bring the house down! [CODY.]
Krystal? Krystal.
- Where have you been? - [HISSES.]
Have the ladies gone on yet or not? Uh Oh, they're on deck.
- Okay.
- Um, go.
Tell 'em to hurry.
[KRYSTAL.]
I got the hats! [LOUISE.]
Oh, Krystal, finally.
Thank God.
- Sorry.
I hit a dog.
- [WOMEN.]
What? Oh, all right.
Ladies, pin quickly.
- That's the front.
- Ladies, you're next.
- Vámonos.
- [LOUISE.]
Let's go, let's go.
Help.
All right.
Ah.
Breathe.
[EXHALES.]
- Ow! - Sorry.
Are you ready? Ready? Ready, ready, ready, ready? [ALL.]
Wham Bam Thank You FAM! - Let's go! - [SQUEALING EXCITEDLY.]
[KRYSTAL.]
Y'all seen a little girl with a cello? Excuse me.
[BUCK.]
Now, Garbeau folks, what do go-getters do? - [AUDIENCE.]
Go get! - Go get.
That's right.
Go-getters go - Melody? - [BUCK.]
But go-getters aren't the only thing that's gonna get you.
The rhythm's gonna get you, too.
Bringing that smooth Latin rhythm to you all the way from sunny Miami Beach, Florida, - give it up - [KRYSTAL.]
Hi.
Melody.
I've got a surprise for you.
A friend of mine told me you like Yoo-hoo.
- Who? - Your dad.
You want to see him? I'll take you.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Let's play the fast-walk game.
Okay? Go, go, go.
Come on.
- Kissinger.
- Yeah.
- Can you watch them for a second? - Yeah.
O eh, o eh, o eh, o eh O eh, o ah Watch out.
Little girl coming through.
Okay? All right.
Watch out.
Go.
Go, go, go.
Come on.
Let's go find your dad.
But I want a Yoo-hoo.
[SIGHS.]
Oh, fuck! At night When you turn off all the lights Come on, Yoo-hoo.
Come on.
There's no place that you can hide The rhythm is gonna get you Rhythm is gonna get you One more time.
Let's go, let's go.
Okay.
Come on.
Tonight [CROWD CHEERING.]
Krystal! [GRUNTS.]
Yeah.
A killer businessman.
What are you doing here? There is a change of ownership in the works.
Consider it the validation of a good idea.
[KRYSTAL.]
I got something Buck Bridges might want.
Obie's about to make a big purchase, and I thought your guy might want to buy it before Obie does.
How does Roger feel about you bringing Cody in? - Let's do this! - [HORN HONKS.]
[ROGER.]
She's a failed TV journalist with undue interest in Mr.
Garbeau's affairs.
Can I trust you to handle a task on your own? - Can someone help me? Hey.
- [GRUNTING.]
[RAPID BEEPING.]
[LOUISE.]
I'll put you on my payroll, you can grow with us.
[ERNIE.]
I-I knew I wouldn't want to talk about it, - so I bought a special hat.
- You're in denial.
I knew you were ready.
[EXHALES.]
Have you all seen Louise? I'm gonna head Is that Ms.
Krystal Stubbs or - Elly May Clampett? - [CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, sorry.
I thought Louise would be here.
Louise is at the stables.
- Mr.
Garbeau? - Yes.
You need to hold still.
[GRUNTS.]
- May I just say two words? - Of course.
You're fired.
The rest of you can cast my mouth parts when I'm damn well done talking.
[QUIET MURMURING.]
Krystal, you are witnessing my annual bronze bust casting.
I need the contours of my face to be remembered accurately in the event that I'm assassinated.
Okay.
Well, I'm done for today.
Don't go just yet.
Get a cigar for me.
They're in the box over there, somewhere.
Over there.
Thank you.
Oh, I need the cutter, as well.
The cutter.
The cutter.
Do you need me to light it for you, too? [LAUGHS.]
There is no smoking on the premises.
- Bye.
- You're dismissed.
[UP-TEMPO, DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
[ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING.]
[ANNOUNCER.]
Franklin Jefferson Washington - [AUDIENCE CHEERING.]
- Founders American Merchandise is proud to present Wham Bam Thank You FAM! 37th Anniversary Jam! [DOLPHIN CHITTERS.]
[ANNOUNCER.]
In beautiful Downtown Orlando, Florida, with your hosts, Founders American Merchandise Southeast Platinum Washington distributor Obie Garbeau II and Founders American Merchandise West Platinum Washington distributor Buck Bridges.
Come for the sun, stay for the week of fun, motivational seminars, meet and greets, new products, new downline, - - prizes, IBOs from all across America.
Call your upline now for tickets.
We're kicking it all off with our annual charity telethon.
This year, we're raising money for the FAM Orphan Fund.
Can you believe this little businessman is an orphan? - [AUDIENCE.]
Aww.
- I can't.
The Jam is all about getting the tools you need to build a moneymaking distribution business.
But FAM doesn't just build businesses.
- FAM builds families.
- FAM builds families.
- [EXPLOSIVE WHOOSH.]
- [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.]
[ANNOUNCER.]
Catch all our special guests, including Plate-Spinning Polly, - Ernie Gomes and Family - [HAROLD.]
Dad, that's you.
You're gonna be famous.
Nah.
Y-Your mom and me are gonna talk about the importance of family.
[CHUCKLES.]
You're gonna be famous.
You remember your part? Check it.
FAM is - way cool.
- [ERNIE CHUCKLES.]
[ANNOUNCER.]
FAM fireworks extravaganza.
- [FIREWORKS EXPLODING ON TV.]
- [GRUNTS, BREATHES SHAKILY.]
[ANNOUNCER.]
meet and greets, new products, new downline, prizes, - IBOs from all across America.
- [HIGH-PITCHED RINGING.]
[MUFFLED, DISTORTED.]
Call your upline now for tickets.
[DOOR OPENS.]
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- Dad? [OBIE.]
You're swimming in the deep end now.
It's natural for you to feel fear.
[OVER TAPE.]
But it's like I always say It's not the fear that's dangerous.
It's how you respond.
The second you let the fear take control of you, your words, your mind, your future, you've lost.
You see, a Founders man takes that fear, and he turns it into drive.
A Founders man takes that fear, and he uses it to gas up his luxury sedan.
And one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
And Louise, two, three, four Gosh, I hope we've hired a different spotlight operator.
Last year, they made me look like Bea Arthur.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Oh, you could start backlit.
That was my secret in my pageant days.
I could help you with the lighting if you want.
- Or choreography or - Oh, Krystal.
Gosh, I just love your zip.
But, you know, you'd be surprised just how far you can go if you just pay your dues.
That's something that I'd like us to explore.
You've only been working here for what, two weeks? Right? And you got a little ahead of yourself with Splashercize, if you remember.
But you're part of this family.
So for Wham Bam, well, I'm thinking maybe you might want to do our makeup.
Huh? How's that sound? Yeah.
Oh, I'm thinking maybe a-a deep violet to really make your eyes pop.
- No, I'm not - I love it.
surprised [CHUCKLES.]
that you came up with such a great idea, Krystal.
[LOUISE.]
Oh, and, dear, we need a little work still on the fire totems for the week, so, uh, if you wouldn't mind staying late, then Kiyoko will stay, and she'll watch Destinee, all right? - Of course, Louise.
- That's great.
- All right, I need agua.
- [CLAPS.]
Pronto.
[LOUISE EXHALES.]
Boy, really wears you out, huh? [LAUGHTER.]
[CLASSICAL CELLO PIECE PLAYING.]
[SIGHS.]
You know any En Vogue? - What's that? - You know.
Free your mind and the rest will follow [FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING.]
- [PLAYING "FREE YOUR MIND".]
- You may pack up now, Melody.
[PLAYING STOPS.]
Melody doesn't listen to dirty music.
[LAUGHS.]
Dirty music? En Vogue? I've heard that song.
It's about being a prostitute and selling dope.
You'll find that as your own daughter grows, that it's important to monitor what she's exposed to.
Garbage in, garbage out.
[SIGHS.]
[TWIG SNAPS.]
I see you.
[CODY.]
Oh.
Hey Krystal.
I'm just I'm enjoying the scenery.
This, uh this bush, for instance.
This is an Ilex aquifolium, also known as a Nellie Stevens Holly.
It's incredible.
Incredible tree.
- [SNIFFS.]
- You're the nelly.
Does Louise know that you're smoking? You know, Obie always says the only habit nastier than smoking is poverty.
You got to quit spying on me, Cody.
- I'm not - If you want to accuse me of something, accuse me.
If, um, someone were trying to give Mr.
Garbeau a bad name, like, if they were doing it on purpose, what-what would the punishment be? Are you anticipating punishment? No.
[LAUGHS.]
No, no, I'm just I'm thinking ahead.
You know, like that journalist, if she if she did something, or if things get hinky this week at the Wham Bam Thank You FAM 37th Anniversary Jam.
If there's aggression, we put a stop to it.
Yeah.
Totally.
But when Mr.
Garbeau was swearing me in, he-he mentioned, um [CHUCKLES.]
killing.
That never happened before, right? [DOOR OPENS.]
We put a stop to it.
[MAN.]
Excuse me.
Mr.
Garbeau is asking for you.
Uh, apologies, Mr.
Penland.
He asked for Mr.
Bo-nair.
It's "Bonar.
" [DOOR OPENS.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[SPRAY GUN HISSING.]
Hmm.
You know, I never had a son.
Which is why the FAM Orphan Fund means so much to me.
Oh.
We can't have any streaks.
If any sickos or perverts were to lay a hand on one of those kids, I would dismember them piece by piece.
Yeah.
Me, too.
I haven't been able to think about anything else for weeks.
I need you to promise me something.
Of course, sir, anything.
With the telethon upon us, I want you to be in charge of protecting those children - from the sickos.
- Yes.
- Nothing is to happen to them.
- No.
No, sir.
You know, you've been issued a firearm for a reason.
You are the last line of defense from the sickos.
Yes, sir.
Here.
[QUIETLY.]
Here.
Here.
Okay.
Very good.
We're good.
Good, good, good.
Oh.
I, um I bought a box of toys for the kids.
- Don't forget to bring that with you.
- Okay.
Spectacular work, son.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Spectacular.
Thank you.
[SIGHS.]
Okay.
Um, "Who was the smartest man in the Bible?" I don't know.
Who? "Abraham.
He knew a Lot.
" "A Lot.
" Yeah.
Genesis.
Yeah, okay, then.
"Why do you have to be quiet in church?" - Why? - "Because people are sleeping.
" Oh.
Guess they're not afraid to go after the pastors, hmm? [SIGHS.]
[CLEARS THROAT SOFTLY.]
[SIGHS.]
I'm sorry, Bets.
Uh, I don't think he's coming.
Do you think it's the FAM again? Yeah.
I do.
[ERNIE.]
Darn it, Bets, I've told you, it's Wham Bam.
Now is not the time to talk about it! [BETS.]
You said you said you would wear that hat and talk to me on July 25.
Now, I didn't get the hat thing at first, but I went with it.
July 25 was last week, and now it's Wham Bam.
I am so sick of you hiding behind FAM.
[ERNIE.]
I am not hiding! I-I am helping people.
[BETS.]
Are you? Are any of these people making any money, Ernie? [ERNIE.]
I-I opened the door for 'em.
What, am I supposed to walk through it for 'em, too? [BETS.]
Listen to yourself.
FAM is changing you.
- [ERNIE.]
Please stop! - [SIGHS.]
Bets, we will talk about this [SNIFFS.]
[ARGUMENT CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY.]
[FLUSHES TOILET.]
Hell.
Damn.
Piss.
Shit.
Ass.
Motherfucker.
Bitch.
Pimp.
Dick.
Boobs.
Motherfucker.
Bitch.
- [FLUSHES TOILET.]
- Ass.
Shit.
Pimp.
Dick.
Boobs.
- [DOOR CREAKS OPEN.]
- [SNIFFS.]
Hi.
- Hey.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
Are you ready for your din-din? [DESTINEE FUSSING.]
Make a phone call.
Who's on the phone? Is this your handwriting? Yeah.
Krystal, have you been working with that journalist, Mirta Herrara? Mm Oh, yeah.
She heard me at your rally and wanted to interview "The Alligator Widow.
" That's it.
Oh.
- Oh, okay, that's it.
- Listen, I took a job driving my ass out to Paradise Cay three times a week so I could do arts and crafts with Louise.
- Uh-huh.
- So you can get off my back about this loyalty crap.
Yeah, well, that's the thing, Krystal.
The Krystal I know doesn't just say "yes, ma'am, no, ma'am" with a smile.
The Krystal I know doesn't do that without a smile, either, so I'm just I'm wondering, why did you decide to work with Louise? [SCOFFS SOFTLY.]
Cody, I know you don't get this, but some people take jobs because they need the money.
I'm working the best job I can find, 'cause I don't want my daughter to be homeless, in case I decide I don't want to live with you.
[SOFTLY.]
I'm just trying to protect you, Krystal.
[PHONE RINGING.]
Protect me from what? [PHONE CONTINUES RINGING.]
[SIGHS HEAVILY.]
Hello.
Yes, I'm calling for a Krystal Stubbs? - Yeah.
- I'm with Sunnysid Terrace Senior Living.
[BIRDS CHIRPING.]
- Hi.
- [WOMAN.]
Hello.
I'm Krystal Stubbs.
I'm Ruth.
Oh, I'm here for the interview with, uh You know what, I never got a name, but I'm here for the office manager position.
- I got called.
- Oh.
Sheila? [TINNY MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
This lady says she's here to interview for manager.
But I'm the manager.
Oh.
What did you say your name was? - Krys - [PAT.]
Krystal Stubbs.
Oh, goddamn it.
I am sorry about the crank call.
But you should be flattered, because you have been requested by a butter-fudging millionaire! [BUCK.]
Hi.
- [CHUCKLING.]
Buck Bridges.
- Hi.
Platinum Washington.
Let's take a little stroll.
- Okay? - All right.
You know, Obie and I, we stay out of each other's territory.
But I am finding that more and more of my IBOs are retiring here in Florida and staying involved with FAM.
You know, for the passive income, of course.
Uh-huh.
Uh, look I need to get to work.
Hey, look, honey, when you accosted Patrick in the men's room of the Hilton Hotel, you seemed very eager to talk to me.
What happened to you? [MOCKING.]
"What happened to you?" Let's go outside.
Okay? Come on.
- Ah - [INDISTINCT CONVERSATION.]
Uh, excuse me, guys.
We're gonna need that table.
Come on, come on, double time, Cocoon.
- What'd he say? - Okay.
So - The game has changed.
- [PATRICK GRUNTING.]
Now, if Garbeau's gonna go after my guy with brawn, I'm gonna go after him with brains.
Espionage.
- [SIGHS.]
- Now you had a private recording of Obie, and you have access to Paradise Cay.
Somewhere on the grounds, there is a recording from August of '78 in Miami, and it would be very damaging to Obie if his downline were to hear it.
So I want you to find that tape - No.
- I will make it No.
Obie was gonna buy the water park that I was manager at, and I thought, if you outbid him, then maybe I wouldn't lose my job.
Do you want to buy the water park? [CHUCKLES.]
Buy a water park next to Disney World? No, I definitely do not.
Okay.
Well, then we're done here.
[CHUCKLES.]
$10,000.
And he'll never know it was you.
So pretty.
Who's pretty? Who's pretty? I'm pretty? I'm pretty? Huh? I'm pretty? I'm pretty? - [PHONE RINGING.]
- All right, come on.
Here we go, here.
- Brush my hair.
- [PHONE RINGING.]
[STAN.]
What are you doing? You think this is funny? Hello? Krystal Stubbs is on the phone for you.
- I'm not here.
- [GIGGLING.]
She says it's important.
Okay.
All right, girls.
I'll be right back, okay? Come on [STAN SIGHS.]
Here you go.
Thanks, honey.
The park's in escrow.
I really don't want this deal to fall apart now.
- I don't need another bidder.
- [KRYSTAL.]
No.
I just If you weren't selling the park, do you think I'd have worked out as manager? [STAN.]
Oh.
Well, I don't know.
You're no Ernie.
You don't like to work.
Well, who likes to work? Ernie.
I just said that.
Look, you don't like to work, but [SIGHS.]
you also don't take crap from people.
You're always coming up with new ideas to make things better.
You would have done a fine enough job.
Maybe a good job.
Can I use you as a reference? If another opportunity comes up? Yeah, yeah.
Of course.
Thanks, Stan.
Have a nice life.
- [SIGHS.]
- [PHONE BEEPS.]
[BIRDS SINGING AND COOING.]
What? Here's some coffee.
I'm sorry I've been so suspicious of you.
I've just been so paranoid about the reporter thing.
I want you to know that I'm going to trust you from now on.
Good.
You have to.
[SIGHS.]
[OBIE.]
The successful entrepreneur knows that business is war.
And on the day of the great battle, a true warrior does what he must to focus on the task at hand.
We know our enemies, FAM distributor.
We're at war with complacency.
With mediocrity.
With a world that tells us what we've got to take and who we've got to be.
[HORN HONKING.]
But take heart, friend.
You have trained for this.
You can take it.
You will win this war.
It takes time, and it takes guts.
And no, it won't be easy, because it is war.
And war is heck.
[PLAYER CLICKS OFF.]
Hey, bud.
About the telethon.
You know, I I think I got to fly solo on this one.
I think I'd do a better job if I go alone.
Because of Mom? [MARTIAL MUSIC.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[OBIE.]
Yes, my friends, that is why we FAM distributors rally together.
That is why we lean on one another.
Because when the stinker thinkers are at the gate - [MAN.]
There's Obie! - [OBIE.]
you can look to your right and you can look to your left and see people just like you.
People fighting for the same dreams as you, for the same hopes as you, the same success.
And all the fear washes away.
That's why they can't touch us.
We have our independence because we band together.
We are the defenders of a prosperous tomorrow.
Dawn will break, Founders distributor, and when it does, we'll be on that hill watching the sunrise together, victorious.
[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING.]
[LAUGHS.]
- Hey.
- Hey.
Nice tan.
You pick that up at the strip mall trolling for downline? Is that where you found your wife? - [BOTH LAUGH.]
- Hi.
How are you? You're beautiful.
[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING CONTINUE.]
Mr.
Garbeau, the orphans are here.
I'm taking care of them.
No perverts.
Where's my wife? I don't know, sir.
This way, Mr.
Garbeau.
She's inside.
[BUCK.]
How are you? Thanks for coming.
Good to see you.
Come on.
Let's go.
We're going.
Let's go.
Don't touch the weird man.
Don't touch him.
Hold hands.
We're going, okay? Everybody hold hands.
- Oh.
- [DESTINEE COOS.]
Numbers are on the fridge.
Hell, you know the deal.
Is there something you want me to say? Uh, yeah.
One fancy party.
That's all it took before you treatin' me like the help.
And then I don't even hear from you till you need a sitter.
[SIGHS.]
I can't get into this now, but I'm sorry.
- Really? - You are very lucky that my crabbies needed to get out the house.
[DESTINEE BABBLING.]
I'll be a better friend, I promise.
Mm-hmm.
Thank you.
This is a huge favor.
Oh, no, it isn't, 'cause you're paying me.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Okay.
Bye, baby.
Hey, Krystal, you don't let those people change you, okay? [DOOR CLOSES.]
[MAN.]
Camera three, hold.
- [MAN 2.]
Hold three.
- [MAN 3.]
Position one.
- [BELL RINGS.]
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
So, uh, look alive.
[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING.]
[ANNOUNCER.]
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Platinum Washingtons Obie Garbeau II and Buck Bridges! [APPLAUSE AND CHEERING.]
Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the 37th Annual Wham Bam Thank You FAM Anniversary Jam telethon.
For the next 24 hours, we're going to be bringing you the best of the best right into your living room, and, folks - [BUCK.]
Wait a minute, Obie.
- Hey, I just got warmed up.
You know what? I think we're being rude.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- What? Oh, yeah, I get it.
We haven't introduced ourselves.
- That's right.
- Hit it! [PIANO PLAYS INTRO TO "LET'S CALL THE WHOLE THING OFF".]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[VIOLINS AND ORCHESTRA JOIN PIANO.]
My name is Bridges And my name is Garbeau You do bachata And you do the mambo - [BUCK.]
Bridges - [OBIE.]
Garbeau - [BUCK.]
Bachata - [OBIE.]
The mambo Let's call the whole thing FAM I have the East Coast And I've got the west side My downline is primo And my folks are topside - East Coast - West side One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
Like, really pump it.
Oh, Krystal.
There you are.
Ready to get your makeup done? We forgot some of our hats, and they're at Paradise Cay, so I'm gonna need you to go get them.
Can't someone just bring 'em? There's no one there who can leave.
Okay.
Let's call the whole thing FAM Let's call the whole thing FAM [CHEERING.]
Thank you! [KRYSTAL.]
Hello? Anybody here? [SETS PURSE DOWN.]
Miami '78.
Huh.
"The Garbeau Glow: Secrets to a Healthy Marriage.
" - Thank you, dang - [DOOR OPENS.]
[MAN.]
Looking for something? Uh, Louise sent me.
I'm looking for a backup tape for her dance number.
There's nothing like that down here.
Judd, right? Yeah, that's right.
Listen, I was also gonna see if I could get a gift for my fiancé.
A throwback.
From August '78.
Miami? Maybe it's with the eight-tracks? Oh, those got thrown out.
Really? I'll ask around, but I'm afraid you're out of luck.
Look, I don't know what happened to you I'm afraid you're out of luck.
[FOOTSTEPS DEPARTING.]
And only you can help these sad kids find happy FAM families.
[OBIE.]
And just like all FAM products, there are no returns, - because they're all perfect.
- [BUCK.]
Yes.
So call the number on your screen if you want to adopt one of these beauties.
Or make a donation.
And here's how it works.
We've got a bank of volunteers standing by to take your calls.
Now, your donations will be recorded and tallied on our handy tally board.
And I got to tell you, donations have been pouring in all week, and we are just off to a great start.
And later, we'll be opening the envelopes in this box and counting the rest of those early donations.
For the next 24 hours, Buck or I will be manning the Master Phone.
High-dollar callers will receive three minutes of personal mentorship.
- With who? - With who? - Bridges - Garbeau - [BUCK.]
Bachata - [OBIE.]
The mambo [BOTH.]
Let's call the whole thing FAM Let's call the whole thing FAM FAM roast tortilla chips? I don't want trouble.
- 60% less fat than potato chips.
- Don't make nice.
I know it was one of you Garbeau goons who did this to me.
You know exactly what I'm talking about.
I don't.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Your newest thug, Bonar? I have proof.
I was supposed to do a duet with Mr.
Bridges.
"Sound of Silence," but, uh You know, uh [BUCK.]
We'll be right back.
[SIGHS.]
I was shot once in a jungle in Cambodia.
Oh.
Thank you for your service.
[LAUGHS.]
My body began healing the moment I was shot.
Today, it's a scar.
[EXHALES.]
I am sorry you can't perform with Mr.
Bridges.
Thanks.
Worthy systems sustain themselves.
Your body will heal.
And the Garbeau organization will disregard any retaliation.
[BIRDS SQUAWKING.]
- [JUDD.]
Pull over! - [POUNDING.]
It's Judd Waltrip! - Let me out! - Judd? What are you doing back there? I had to stow away because of the security cameras.
We need to talk.
- Why? - I have a quid pro quo.
A what? A quid pro quo.
- A squid? - Quid! Quid pro quo.
It's Latin.
It means trade.
You wanted the Miami '78 tape.
It was destroyed years ago.
But I have something just as good.
- What's that? - A story.
I was at the top of FAM, but still, I was barely breaking even.
That didn't stop Obie from parading me around like I was his best business success.
So I tried something new: I wrote my own book.
I sold my own tapes.
It worked.
I was finally thriving.
It was your Splashercize.
Obie excommunicated me.
He told my wife I had been having sex with men! I don't know if she believed him or not, or just went along with what he said.
It's a very sad story, but - where's the quid? - I'm getting to it.
I decided to fight back.
And when I wouldn't shut up, they sent that attack dog.
Roger Pendleton? That man blew up my boat.
After that, I just wanted to survive.
So, when he said I could earn my way back into FAM, to my family, I took his offer.
And I've been doing their chores ever since.
- You and me both.
- And after all I did, Harmony still won't let me see our daughter.
Melody? Why's your story worth anything? Obie tried to kill me for telling it.
It's dangerous to him.
I can make a call.
If it's something I can sell, I'll consider it.
You just have to help me see my daughter tonight.
Even just for five minutes.
How's three minutes and 56 seconds sound? Five minutes isn't a big ask.
No, that's how long her mom's onstage for their dance number.
I can sneak her out and have her back before anyone notices.
- Can they pick a different song? - What? - No.
- Wh-What about "Purple Rain"? Judd, I can't change the song.
You have three minutes, 56 seconds.
[CROWD CHEERING, CHATTERING.]
Great.
Everybody's here.
Keep walking.
Ernie.
[KIDS MAKING GUNSHOT NOISES.]
- [BOY 1.]
I shot you first! - [BOY 2.]
Nah-uh! Should they be playing with guns? Yeah.
Where's your family? [SIGHS.]
Ernie, you're supposed to go onstage with your family.
[STAMMERS.]
They're being Do you want these kids to get adopted or not? [WHISPERS.]
Find a family.
Have you seen Krystal? The orphans went on without makeup.
They look beautiful.
They-they look terrible.
[SIGHS.]
Ernie, can you watch them for a sec while I try to find her? Okay? Stop eating! It's not for you guys.
- [BOY.]
Eat my shorts.
- [KIDS LAUGHING.]
[CODY.]
Get a life! Hey, no, none of that.
Put the food down.
Come on.
Get your guns.
Come with me.
Orphans, walk.
Move.
Orphans moving.
Come on.
I don't like these.
Me, neither.
You excited about being on TV? It's like you get to meet a bunch of new friends all at once.
The really lucky ones, you know what they get? A new member of their family.
- Like you.
- That'd be pretty cool.
- [RECORDER PLAYING.]
- And thank you, folks at home, for tuning in.
We're gonna be here a long time, so let's get those phones ringing.
And I guarantee you we're gonna have fun.
[BUCK.]
We're gonna have lots of laughs.
[PHONE RINGING.]
¿Mija? How much can I get for Judd Waltrip's story? He got excommunicated, then they brainwashed his wife, they took away his kid and firebombed his boat.
I'll have it all on tape.
Good to hear from you, Krystal.
Oh, sorry.
I'm in a hurry.
- How's rehab? - They gave me different pills to get me off the pills I was on.
The new pills are pretty good.
Sounds great.
Well, no respectable outlet is gonna just buy a taped testimonial.
Stories have to be verified.
So you'd need an actual reporter.
Do you know any? Shut the fuck up.
If we do this right, I can get my job back and have a chance at paying for this vacation.
- But I want 20%.
- 15.
- Deal.
- Okay, great.
- Maybe Geraldo will run it.
- [CLICK, DIAL TONE.]
You're welcome.
Krystal, are you sure about this? Look at him.
I couldn't imagine if someone took Destinee away from me.
Oh, stop it, that's not why you're doing this.
These are bad people.
Mm-hmm.
Harmony won't let Melody listen to En Vogue.
Okay.
Okay, how can I help? You just point that at him and hit record.
Make it quick.
Harmony's going on soon.
[ERNIE ON TV.]
The good Lord gave me a gift.
No, not talent.
Not smarts, either.
What I was blessed with is much more important You did this.
- Oh, sweetie.
- You wouldn't let me go, - and now Dad has a new family.
- What? [ERNIE.]
support of the people in my life who matter most.
- [DOOR SLAMS.]
- They give me talent.
That's what FAM's all about.
Family.
Being a husband and a father to these special people.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- [DOGS BARKING NEARBY.]
- [GRUNTS.]
[GRUNTING.]
Have Louise and them gone on yet? Building's still standing, isn't it? 'Cause they're gonna bring the house down! [CODY.]
Krystal? Krystal.
- Where have you been? - [HISSES.]
Have the ladies gone on yet or not? Uh Oh, they're on deck.
- Okay.
- Um, go.
Tell 'em to hurry.
[KRYSTAL.]
I got the hats! [LOUISE.]
Oh, Krystal, finally.
Thank God.
- Sorry.
I hit a dog.
- [WOMEN.]
What? Oh, all right.
Ladies, pin quickly.
- That's the front.
- Ladies, you're next.
- Vámonos.
- [LOUISE.]
Let's go, let's go.
Help.
All right.
Ah.
Breathe.
[EXHALES.]
- Ow! - Sorry.
Are you ready? Ready? Ready, ready, ready, ready? [ALL.]
Wham Bam Thank You FAM! - Let's go! - [SQUEALING EXCITEDLY.]
[KRYSTAL.]
Y'all seen a little girl with a cello? Excuse me.
[BUCK.]
Now, Garbeau folks, what do go-getters do? - [AUDIENCE.]
Go get! - Go get.
That's right.
Go-getters go - Melody? - [BUCK.]
But go-getters aren't the only thing that's gonna get you.
The rhythm's gonna get you, too.
Bringing that smooth Latin rhythm to you all the way from sunny Miami Beach, Florida, - give it up - [KRYSTAL.]
Hi.
Melody.
I've got a surprise for you.
A friend of mine told me you like Yoo-hoo.
- Who? - Your dad.
You want to see him? I'll take you.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Let's play the fast-walk game.
Okay? Go, go, go.
Come on.
- Kissinger.
- Yeah.
- Can you watch them for a second? - Yeah.
O eh, o eh, o eh, o eh O eh, o ah Watch out.
Little girl coming through.
Okay? All right.
Watch out.
Go.
Go, go, go.
Come on.
Let's go find your dad.
But I want a Yoo-hoo.
[SIGHS.]
Oh, fuck! At night When you turn off all the lights Come on, Yoo-hoo.
Come on.
There's no place that you can hide The rhythm is gonna get you Rhythm is gonna get you One more time.
Let's go, let's go.
Okay.
Come on.
Tonight [CROWD CHEERING.]
Krystal! [GRUNTS.]