One Day at a Time (2017) s02e01 Episode Script

The Turn

1 Dale, Dylan, dale.
You got this! Stand right in there, don't be afraid of the ball.
- [THUDS] - [ALL GROAN] Just shake it off, Dylan! Shake it off! Yes! Way to take one for the team! Ay, por el amor de Dios it is so hot.
[SIGHS] - All right, Mami, let's do the wave.
- Okay.
[PENELOPE] Okay, let's eat.
Mami, comida.
Okay, the rice and the frijoles are in the pickle jar - and the lechón is in the butter tub - Mm-hmm.
and the cookies are in the cookie tin, but they are not the same cookies that came with the tin.
- We forgot the napkins.
- Ah! Grab some from the snack bar.
They make you buy something, so one of you needs to create a distraction.
Elena, do that thing and ask if there's high-fructose corn syrup in the ketchup.
When she's boring the guy to death, grab the napkins and run.
Or I could just buy something? [SCOFFS AND LAUGHS] - You're hilarious.
- [LAUGHS] [SPEAKING SPANISH] [LAUGHS] [SPEAKING SPANISH] - [SPEAKING SPANISH] - [SPEAKING SPANISH] I've been taking Spanish classes on the DL so I can be a more productive member of the family.
No offense.
Why would I be offended? You're not family.
You know I hate that joke.
Anyway, I always thought I was homolingual, turns out I'm bi.
Now I'm a little offended.
[SPEAKING SPANISH] He thinks you're my daughter.
There's something wrong with your ojos, hombre.
That means "eyes.
" I know what it means.
I mean, he's clearly a white guy and I'm clearly Latinx.
I'm sorry.
Latinx is a gender-neutral alternative to Latino or Latina.
And I'm clearly too young to have a 16-year-old.
- Actually - We're both offended! [BOTH SPEAKING SPANISH] [BOTH CHUCKLE] Spanish isn't exactly totes bueno so, if you want, I can teach you.
- Yeah, I don't think so.
- [TUTS] En español I will rip your beard off and feed it to you.
En español - Okay, Alex is up.
Here we go, Mami.
- Okay.
- Here we go, papito! - [ALL CHEERING] Come on, dale, bring Dylan home.
Go! Go! [GASPS] - Yes! Go! Go, go, go, go, go, go! - Oh, my God! Oh, my God! [ALL CHEERING] [ALL] Dale, papito, dale! Dale, papito, dale! Dale, papito, dale! Ooh! - That's new.
Where'd you get that from? - Walmart.
Dale, papito, dale! [THEME SONG PLAYING] [WHOOPS] What a game, papito! [LAUGHING] Hello, Dodgers? You want Alex Alvarez? We'll think about it! [ALL LAUGHING] A lot of your games are a real snooze, but today was good! - And then you got that hit! - Dale! [ALL] Dale, papito, dale! Dale, papito, dale! Whoo, look who's suddenly a sports fan.
Oh! It's not that.
I'm just proud of my heritage.
You know, my Cuban heritage.
Dale means "go ahead" or "you go.
" It's slang, so it's kind of fluid.
Very Cuban.
You're Canadian! Papito is the best From the east into the west He's a baseball slugger And a real good hugger Oh! That is so cute and so true! - I just made it up! - I love it! Papito is the best From the east into the west He's a baseball slugger And a really good hugger Oh, my God, shut up! Did you just say shut up to God? Did you just say shut up to me? Because that's worse.
Everything you are doing is embarrassing! That's not getting me on your side.
Well, I don't like all that crazy yelling you guys do at my games! And that song, I hate that stupid First of all, don't talk to me like that.
Second you hate that song? Okay, that's crazy.
That is a beautiful song.
Thank you, Mami.
Alex, you gotta appreciate how these guys support you.
My dad never came to my games.
All he ever did was put me through rehab six times and buy me this building.
Look, all I know is, none of the other parents act like you.
Come on, it's all because we're proud of you, papito.
And stop calling me papito! I'm not a little kid anymore.
My name is Alex, okay? No more papito.
- We'll call you papito.
- I will call you papito.
No! Papito is not an age thing.
We call Conrad "Macho" because when he was four, he sang "Macho Man" once.
We call Francisco "Pepe Popo.
" Figure that out.
I'm called Tata, Lupita, Yoyi.
And my nickname is Pucha.
It is the way of our people! If you don't have a nickname, there's something wrong with you.
- Do I have a nickname? - No.
Anyway, it's a tradition to call you papito, so we're gonna keep doing it, okay, papito? No! You need to stop it and all the embarrassing stuff you guys do at my games.
If you can't, then don't come anymore.
So he meant Tata and Pucha, right? Schnei-Schnei can still go to the games.
You can't give yourself a nickname.
The Amazing Schneider-Man disagrees.
No, we're all still going to the games.
I don't know what's gotten into Alex.
He must be tired.
No, no, Lupita.
I know what this is.
Papito is making the turn.
The turn? From beautiful boy to horrible teenager.
Oh, dear.
Our sweet little Alejandro.
[SIGHS] Where did the tiempo go? RIP, papito.
He's not dead.
Isn't he though? Don't worry.
It's so much easier after they've grown.
You do everything through the lawyers.
It's been rough.
Alex is being really hard on me.
Yeah, well, there's no easy path through it.
Although, if you want some advice Yeah.
Whenever possible, treat him like an adult.
If he wants to be called Alex, call him Alex.
Instead of a hug, maybe just try a cool-guy head nod.
'Sup? Maybe he doesn't want to hang out with you as much.
That's okay.
Holding on too tight is not going to keep it from happening.
[CHUCKLES] Your baby boy is turning into a man.
[SIGHS] You're right.
[CHUCKLES] That's great advice, Doc.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
[CRYING] Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa! [GASPING] I'm sorry! It's just like, what you said, it made it all just hit me.
My baby being gone and turning into a man.
Why'd you say that, Doc? I'm sorry! I was just trying to help! - Don't tell your mother I made you cry.
- [SOBS] I swear it was just yesterday he was a little boy, and I loved it so much.
It was weird how often he kissed me on the lips and asked me to marry him, but now I miss it, you know! You love your kids the same of course, and Elena's amazing, but Alex is just so cool.
And now he doesn't want to hang out with me anymore? I'm sorry.
Next time I ask if you want my advice, just go like [EXCLAIMS] Everybody's leaving me.
Alex will be out of the house, married to his wife with her spray-tanned legs and fake boobs.
I know his type.
And then it'll just be me in my apartment with my mom.
Hey, if I'm lucky, maybe I could take her off your hands.
So I'll just be alone? I'm going to stop talking.
Oh, my God.
He is so cute.
Can I just smell his head for one minute? We're still at lunch.
Thank you.
I know I'm acting crazy.
I just Right now I just want to hold Alex and hug him forever.
[CELL PHONE RINGING] Hello? I'm gonna kill that kid.
- It's not that big a deal! - Check your tone.
What happened? His class went on a field trip to the observatory, and he punched a kid from another school.
Papito! Is your hand okay? You know, I've had enough of you and your teen crap.
I'm not raising a jerk.
I'm not a jerk! The other kid's the jerk! Everyone's a jerk! It is still not okay to punch them! Whatever.
You don't understand.
Well, make me understand.
Because how is this okay? Did he hit you first? He was saying stuff! Okay, so what? So what, he called you a name? What? Stupid, dummy, goober? What grade do you think I'm in? Listen, if papito punched somebody, there is a good reason for it.
Did he prevent you from seeing the Jupiter exhibit? Because that thing is amazing.
Was it about a woman? It's okay if it was about a woman.
No, Mami, it's not.
He said, "Go back to Mexico!" So, this was just some random kid? Yeah.
Hugo and I were talking in Spanish, and the kid walked by with his friends and heard us and said it.
And, I don't know, I just lost it.
This is not okay.
I'm gonna call the school and straighten this out.
There's nothing you can do.
None of the teachers even saw him say it.
Then after I hit him, Sister Barbara pulled me aside and him and his friends took off.
Alex, we're gonna figure this out, but you can't hit somebody every time they call you a name.
I don't! It was just this time! - Wait, this has happened before? - Yeah.
What did they say? You know, beaner, wetback, gangbanger, Pitbull.
Pitbull's the only one that's even close to accurate! Does this happen at school? No.
Just a couple of times when I'm out.
Once at a baseball game, the other team was leaving on their bus and they saw me and yelled, "Build the wall.
" Oh, my God.
It's so stupid! Whatever.
I don't want to talk about it anymore.
No, Mami, let's give him a minute.
Well, we gotta do something.
This is racist! Should we call the police? Wait, the army! No! Oprah! She'll know what to do.
Gracias for your anger, Schneider.
It is adorable.
[SCOFFS] I mean, what the hell? This is America! Yeah, this is America.
And unfortunately, this stuff happens here.
Not to you, but it happens.
Well, I know it happens.
I'm a very aware Canadian-x person.
I know racism's a thing, but we live in LA.
It doesn't happen here.
And now that I've said that out loud, I wish I hadn't.
Yeah, because it happens here.
Yeah, maybe just a dirty look or someone saying, "Keep your voice down," which we all know is code for "Latinos are too loud.
" It's called passion! Turn it down, Mami.
Man, I feel for Alex.
You know, I get how this stuff builds up.
Finally, you say, "Not today!" But nobody saw the other 100 times this crap happened.
They just see the one time you lose it.
Yeah, and ever since somebody decided to call an entire group of Latinos rapists and criminals, everyone thinks they can say whatever racist thought occurs to them.
So what, we're going backwards? That's it, tomorrow I'm getting on Twitter and putting a stop to all of this.
Most of it is so stupid.
People lump us all together.
I mean "beaner"? It's more of a Mexican slur.
Yes! How dare they call us Mexican! Not what we're mad about, Mami.
I've been called a beaner, and I think it's a compliment, 'cause Cubans, Mexicans, Puerto Ricans, we all have pretty good beans.
No, no, Cubans have the best beans.
We are the true beaners! Not what we're mad about, Mami.
- Know what word makes me see red? Lazy.
- Oh Yeah, that just brings up "siesta" and "you people don't want to work hard.
" Yeah, I mean, either we're taking all your jobs or we're lazy.
Pick one! Thank you.
By the way, get a job.
[EXHALES] I get it.
[CLEARS THROAT, CLICKS TONGUE] There's a word people sometimes call me, too.
- Clueless? - Moocher? Trust fund man-child baby? I'll say it! The word is "white.
" I see it stunned you all into silence.
But you hear how it sounds? It's just dripping with privileged, rich, pale, uncool, bad dancer, Maroon Five fan which is crazy 'cause Maroon Five is the best! Sorry.
I don't know where these stereotypes come from.
Well, I have been called the worst thing that a person could ever be called.
Mami, what was it? The A-word? - The B-word? - [WHISPERS] The C-word? What? No, what are those words? No, no, no, no, no.
This word is so bad that I can hardly bring myself to say it.
- Okay.
- I will say it.
For educational purposes the word is Schneider, can you stand next to me, 'cause I am going to faint.
- Mami, don't say it.
- No, no, no, I am going to say it! The most terrible word in the world! [INHALES DEEPLY] Okay.
Here we go.
And the word is - Can I have a glass of - Mami, just say it! Spic! [GASPS] [PANTS] What? Did you not hear me say spic? - Yeah.
- [SCHNEIDER] We heard you.
No, Mami, that is definitely a bad slur.
But, you know what's weird? - You don't really hear that one anymore.
- I don't think I've ever heard it.
- What is it again? - Spic.
[EXCLAIMS] I'm sorry, Mami.
That one just has more power with your generation.
Well When it is being yelled at you as you are walking home from school, a teenage girl who can barely speak the language, you are thinking first, "It is a cat call.
Because of my perfect legs.
" But then, your friend Valentina tells you, "No, no.
In fact, it is a hate word.
" And then suddenly, you feel very alone.
[SHAKILY] And it stays here.
- [SIGHS DEEPLY] - Mami, I'm sorry.
- Words can be very powerful.
- [SNIFFLES] Yeah, I mean, I feel really bad for Alex.
It's amazing how lucky I've been.
Even these days, in this openly racist world, I've managed to never have an incident.
- What? - No, and hopefully you never will.
Yeah, but why are you being weird? I'm not being weird.
All right, look Um you and your brother are of different shades.
Papito is a beautiful caramel and you are Wonder Bread.
- Am I passing? - No! Well What do you mean "passing"? It's when people of color pass as Caucasian and benefit from white privilege even though they're a minority.
Well, that's a big old sí then, señorita.
Huh? Let me explain.
[CLEARS THROAT] [SPEAKING SPANISH] [SPEAKING SPANISH AND CHUCKLING] [LAUGHS] - Yeah! Schneider! I didn't know you could speak Spanish! [SPEAKING SPANISH] [SPEAKING SPANISH] [SPEAKING SPANISH] This is terrible! I can't be passing! I am a proud Latinx! What the hell is a Latinx? Is it a Cuban Kleenex? If so, then it is the best Kleenex! I mean, who even decides what Latinx looks like? I look Latinx! Of course you do! You're beautiful! I always thought you looked like Anne Hathaway.
No, no, no! Why are you so mad? Cubans are white.
[GROANS] Mami, Cubans are everything.
But we are mostly descended from white Spaniards.
How many Cubans do we know who are black? And how many Cubans do we know who are blond? [LAUGHS] [WHISPERS] A lot of them.
Saying we're white, brown, black, that's beside the point.
[WHISPERS] We are white.
I can't believe this.
You're saying I'm going to go through my whole life without being oppressed at all? Okay, you know that wouldn't be a bad thing, right? Yeah, I guess.
Hey, you're still gay.
Yes! That's right! And a woman! I'm back in! Oppression is not the goal here, okay? We want peace, equality and most of all, no crappy kid yelling racist stuff at my son while he's trying to learn about stars.
Someone told Alex to go back to another country, as though he doesn't belong in this one.
Do you know how screwed up that is for a 13-year-old boy? I don't even know what to tell him.
Oh [SIGHS] - I want to learn more Spanish.
- I'll set up a lesson plan.
Not from you! Will you teach me, Abuelita? Gracias a Dios.
I knew this day would come.
Oh, wait, can you teach me, too? Of course! And when I am done, you both can pass as Cubans.
- Yay! - Hey! Hey, you.
I'm sorry I hit that kid.
I know.
And I'm sorry all this stuff is happening.
I just want to go back to the way it was.
It's like all of a sudden I'm different? I don't want to be different.
Wait is that why you don't want us to come to the games? So it's not because we're crazy and treat you like a baby? Well, I don't love that.
But, mostly it's because we're too Cuban, right? I mean, I'm proud of being Cuban, but yeah.
- Sorry.
- [CHUCKLES] It's okay.
I get it.
And look, I wish I could say what happened to you today will never happen again, but it might.
'Cause there are a lot of jerks out there, and I don't know if it's worse now or not, but I know I would never want you to change who you are because of them.
And who you are is Cuban and American and mostly a sweet kid who doesn't hurt people.
You can't control the jerks but you can control your reaction to them.
Because this is your country, too, and you deserve to be happy in it.
But if you get angry, they win.
[SNIFFLES] [SNIFFS] Actually, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.
There is one thing that completely stops the effects of racism.
- You're right, Mom.
I feel only peace.
- [CHUCKLES] Alex, you have something on your chin.
You need a Latinx.
Elena, what did you get? Vanilla? No! But I was able to do my whole order in Spanish! - Hey! Nice.
- Hey! Dale, blanquita, dale.
[ALL] Dale, blanquita, dale.
- No! Don't call me blanquita! - Hey, you've got a nickname! Oh, yeah! [LAUGHS] - [ALL] Dale, blanquita, dale! - [EXCLAIMS] - Dale, blanquita, dale! - Excuse me! I know you're having a little fiesta over here, but you should learn to keep your voice down.
There are other people in here.
Mami, would you hold my helado, please.
I'm the lady from the table over there.
And I am the lady's mother.
Not her sister.
Are you the owner of this establishment? - No.
- So then you must know that we have just as much a right to be here as you.
You were being very loud.
Yeah, I noticed you used the word fiesta.
Would you care to comment on that? - Poor choice of words maybe but - Yes, I agree.
It was a very poor choice of words.
You know what else was a poor choice of words? The other words you said to me and my family.
Because this isn't a library.
We were over there having a nice time, but for some reason, you decided that meant I was all, "Arriba! Arriba! Arriba!" That's not me.
How dare you stereotype us! I was born right here, in this country.
I'm an American.
And we come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
Mostly white.
And sometimes we can be a little racist, too.
Which is why we should all be free to enjoy the rich diversity of this great nation.
Now you and your wife have a good night.
Still think you should keep your voice down.
That's all I'm saying.
Yeah, well, agree to disagree, sir! - That was awesome, Mom.
- [EXHALES DEEPLY] You see, if you get angry, they win.
If you never get angry, they also win.
It's complicated.
The point is, I didn't hit anybody, and we all got ice cream.
All right, let's get out of here.
Dale, Lupita, dale.
[ALL] Dale, Lupita, dale.
- [PENELOPE] Thank you.
- [LYDIA WHOOPS] [ALL] Dale, Lupita, dale.
And in case anybody else wants to know what's up? This Latin-American family is headed to their American home.
That is so cool.
Anne Hathaway just totally stood up for those Mexicans.