One Day at a Time (2017) s03e08 Episode Script

She Drives Me Crazy

1 Abuelita.
[Lydia] In here, Papito.
I would have rather walked in on you two doing it.
Ay, cochino! You know, I have it on my bucket list to paint a masterpiece.
Oh, I can't wait to see how I look! Okay.
Wow.
You've really captured my essence.
[door opens] Oh, my God! You're so frustrating.
- I'm teaching you to drive.
- No! You're watching me parallel park and screaming, "We're all gonna die!" That's teaching you to drive.
You don't even make sense half of the time.
You told me to hurry up and slow down.
Which one is it? It's both.
That's why you're not ready.
Ooh, you really captured his essence.
Anyway, I ain't got no money for driving school.
So you're stuck with me, unless you can find a sucker with nothing better to do than get behind the wheel with you.
[snaps] I'll do it.
- Really? - Yes, I'd love to, and I have a spotless driving record.
[Lydia] It is true.
Leslie drives like an old lady.
I mean, I assume.
I don't know what old ladies do.
Wow, Dr.
B, this would really help me out.
And my boards are coming up, and this is really stressing me out.
Elena, this is going to be such fun.
My father taught me using his patented 30-point system.
Thirty points? Agreed.
Inadequate.
So I have updated it to the 42-point system.
I figure two hours per point, you'll be driving by Passover.
Sowe're gonna be in a car together for 84 hours.
Oh, please.
We don't even get into the car until hour 12.
- [theme song plays] - This is it This is life, the one you get So go and have a ball This is it Straight ahead and rest assured You can't be sure at all So while you're here, enjoy the view Keep on doing what you do Hold on tight We'll muddle through One day at a time So, up on your feet Somewhere there's music playing Don't you worry none We'll just take it like it comes One day at a time One day at a time One day at a time - One day at a time - One day at a time One day at a time It's cool that juggling is on your bucket list.
Here we go.
One, two, three.
I have done it.
Check.
- Mami.
- [Lydia] Okay, Lupe.
Now we go to the kitchen.
Come join me.
It's time to finally teach you all of my family recipes.
Mami, that sounds really nice, and I would love to right after my board exams.
I completely understand, but hear me out.
You have no choice.
It's on my bucket list.
You know that's not a legally binding document, right? So now you're going to law school, too? Come on.
You have so much time now that Leslie is teaching Elena how to drive.
Mami, I don't even have time to tell you that I don't have time.
Lupita, I have two great legacies: my family recipes and a neckline that almost capsized a Carnival Cruise.
Mami, just write the recipes down, then we can have them forever.
I cannot do that.
My sister, Mirtha, will break in, she will steal the recipes, she will rappel out the window, and ticky-tocky, she will be on the Food Network winning the Chopped.
Mami, you know I love you, but I cannot do this right now.
I promise you, one day we will, and we will have a great time together.
Okay? Okay.
I'm sure I will live forever.
I will simply write a new list.
A list of [sniffs] [crying] disappointments.
Okay.
Seat belts are buckled.
You've adjusted the mirrors.
Now, I want you to peek at yourself in the rearview and say, "Hot cakes! Am I a winner?" I'm not doing that.
Skipping step 19.
So, I just wanted to thank you again for teaching me how to drive.
You must be so busy.
Oh, I have lots of time.
I've already watched Netflix.
- What show? - No, all of Netflix.
I'm just glad to be doing this with anybody but my mom.
She's always yelling and criticizing my every move.
- Well, no yelling here.
- [sighs deeply] Now, shift and carefully pull out.
[car crashes] See, right now, my mom would definitely be yelling at me.
Mami, I'll see you later.
I'm on my way to therapy.
Okay, sweetie, but make sure to call if you'll be late for dinner.
It's like I don't want to know, but also I do.
Hey, your mom wanted to pass down her family recipes to someone worthy.
So she's teaching me everything.
Yeah, this is on me for walking in.
Mmm! Ay, Schneider.
It is like you are the true heir of my spirit.
[laughs] Dale, Schneidito Dale Whoo! Whoo! Dale, Schneidito Dale - Okay, I get it.
- Get what? There is nothing to get.
Other than a bowl of Schneider's sopa de pollo, which he will be able to pass down to his daughter's handyman.
Is the ropa vieja ready yet? - You taught him ropa vieja? - Yeah.
That recipe is so secret that you buy each ingredient in a different store so the cashiers can't reconstruct the recipe.
It's not the cashiers.
It's the bag boys.
"Please let us help you to your car.
" I know what you're up to, comunistas.
All right, papito.
Abre tu boca.
Provocative flavor profile.
Good ratio of ropa to vieja.
Welcome to the family.
[laughs] Ah, good job, mijo.
[laughing] Oh, my God.
Mami, you are being so ridiculous.
- Huh? - I say no to you once, and you adopt a 40-year-old five-year-old? Don't talk to Mami like that! Okay.
Bye, crazy people.
[sighs] Sometimes I can't believe we're related.
All right.
No damage to the car, got me a fresh pair of pants.
Bingo-bango, we're back on the road.
I am so sorry, Dr.
B.
That mailbox came out of nowhere.
I think the problem is you're driving your mirrors.
It means you're spending more time worrying about what's behind you - and not enough on what's ahead.
- [sighs] I justI get so overwhelmed.
Elena, I get it.
Driving's hard.
Got a million people coming at you.
And, yeah, you could die at any moment.
Or worse.
You could fall into a coma, be trapped in your own mind forever.
New approach.
Are you a Battlestar Galactica fan? The original or the reboot? I don't know why I asked.
I love them both.
And I assume you like the character Starbuck? [giggles] Starbuck.
Do you remember when she hijacked the Cylon spacecraft, but she couldn't figure out how to fly it? Season one, episode five.
She just focused on power, pitch, yaw and roll, and flew that baby home.
So, for you, it is accelerate, brake, steer, avoid mailboxes.
That actually helps.
Accelerate, brake, steer [tires squeal] avoid mailbox.
[chuckles] Look.
I'm frakking flying this bad boy.
Can you believe my mom? I told her I'm too busy to cook, and she replaces me with Schneider.
Wait, so you're mad she turned your hot handyman into a hot chef? When are you gonna hook me up with him? Well, we all know mother-daughter relationships can be real triggers for stress.
- Thank you, Pam.
- Yep.
Whether it's cooking with you or keeping a secret family in Alhambra.
I mean, these relationships can be tricky.
She has no sympathy for how busy I am.
She could just write the recipes down, but no.
She's too afraid her 60-year-old sister will freaking Mission: Impossible into the apartment and steal them.
That's nuts.
If she'd have write them down, where'd she keep 'em? Sorry.
I'd take her paella over sex with Schneider.
Although both could be involved.
Your mother is incredible, Penelope.
When I had my baby, she's the only one who could get her to stop crying.
Mm-hmm.
I mean, she dipped her pacifier in rum, butpff, it worked, so Uh, you guys don't spend enough time with her.
- I'd love to spend more time with her.
- Me too.
Do you think she'd like to meet my new sister? She's a lot, okay? She's constantly criticizing everything about me.
She's the most stubborn person I know.
You're telling me the woman who when your daughter came out overcame all her religious objections and accepted her in one second.
She needs to accept the fact that I don't have six hours to make ropa vieja.
I have a lot on my plate.
'Cause your mother's always cooking for you? Oh! [all laughing] My mom cookedmeth.
My mom is a pain in the nalgas.
That is the train we should all be riding here, people.
I thought this was a support group.
So why don't we knock it off, and why don't we start supporting? Okay? Yeah, I got nothing.
I'm not gonna write you a love song 'Cause you asked for it 'Cause you need one  You see Sara Bareilles, Janelle Monet, Indigo Girls.
You know you didn't have to make a special lesbian playlist for me.
- I didn't.
Sapphic folk is my jam.
- [both chuckle] I'm not gonna write you to stay Ay, ay If all you have is leaving  I will need a better reason To write you A love song today  [phone dings] [automated voice] Incoming text message.
Oh, sorry.
I get my texts through Bluetooth.
[automated voice] Message from Rachel.
Oh, it's my daughter.
[automated voice] Hey, Leslie, I need money.
Call me when you send it.
Neutral face emoji.
I'm jazzed at how upbeat she sounds.
Really? Oh, this is huge.
She wants me to call her.
[automated voice] Actually, don't call.
Just send money.
I loveVenmo.
I'm sorry she only hits you up for money.
No, it's okay, Elena.
Truth is I blame myself.
Between med school, and residency, and hospital rotations, I wasn't around much when she was a kid.
And I would love it if we could just get to the point where Rachel would ask me how I was doing before she asked me for money, but there's too much water under the bridge.
[automated voice] Just checked my account.
Still no money.
So sick of this.
Poop emoji.
Okay.
Let's just keep rocking out.
Write you a love song Come on, Dr.
B.
[singing sadly] 'Cause you asked for one 'Cause you need one You see I'm not gonna write you a love song  'Cause you're telling me  Hey, now that I'm officially a member of la familia, maybe I could add something to the Alvarez Family Museum.
Oh, it's very exclusive.
It has to be a report card, or a trophy, or any tooth from Alex's mouth.
My eight-year sobriety chip.
[sighs deeply[ It would be my honor.
Oh.
[laughs] Ironically, the only other Wall of Fame I've been on was my favorite bar, Tom Bergin's, for inventing something called the tequila bong.
- What is that? - I do not remember.
AnywayI thought staying sober these last eight years was my greatest accomplishment until today when I became an official member of this family.
Schneider.
Okay, viejita, you win.
I would love to learn your recipes.
Get out of my house.
Blinker on.
Check in the mirror.
All clear.
Quick glance, over my shoulder, and pulling safely in.
Hot cakes! Am I a winner? Now, step 37.
Always be aware of your Where the hell are we? Wehave arrived at your final destination.
Rachel's house.
Wow.
I paid for it, but I've never seen it before.
How did you know where to go? Well, when we stopped for gas, I looked through your contacts.
Oh, and your daily smile reminder went off.
Oh, thanks.
So I was thinking about your relationship with Rachel, and I realize that you are also driving your mirrors.
You need to stop dwelling on the past and start focusing on what's ahead.
You want to be a good dad now.
So do it.
[sighs deeply] I don't know.
I don't think she wants to see me.
Look I have some experience with father-daughter baggage.
And even when things were at their absolute worst, I still just wanted a hug.
To hear him say he loved me.
I bet Rachel's no different.
Okay, I'll do it.
And, uhthanks, Elena because I never would have come here on my own.
[phone dings] [automated voice] Incoming text message.
Leslie, is that you in front of my house? Vomit emoji.
I better get in there.
Oh, watch out for that dog! - [dog barks] - Oh! Justjust forget the shoe! Just keep going.
[barking continues] [upbeat music playing] Whoo! All right! Mami, I think my arroz con pollo is almost ready.
- Uh-huh.
- And I gotta admit I'm a little nervous about having you taste it, which says something considering I was, you know, in a war.
[both laugh] Okay.
Let's take a look.
- Oh! - Uh-huh? No? - Just kidding.
- [laughs, exclaims] - You really mean it? - Fabuloso! [squeals] Oh, God! Like, I gotta tell you, it's really cool that you taught me this recipe.
- So thank you.
- Yeah.
Bravissima, Lupita! With pollo that good, no man will dare to leave you again.
Excuse me.
What did you just say? I said, "Bravissima!" It means "job well done" in Italian.
Mami, did you want to teach me to cook because you think it'll help me get a man? Because I got one, Mateo, and he's great.
Of course he is.
You never had trouble finding wonderful men.
This is so you can keep them.
Hey! I chose to leave Victor and Max.
It wasn't because of my cooking.
But I'm starting to think it might be because of the annoying Cuban lady - who moved into my dining room.
- Oh.
Now, you are getting mad for nothing.
There are always things to work on.
So I am helping you.
That's why this was on the list.
"Fix Penelope.
" [scoffs] Fix me? What the hell does that mean? No, no, no, no, no.
It's just little tweaks.
Como how you always wear your pajamas going out of the house.
I'm a nurse.
They're scrubs! Lupita, you are a beautiful woman.
Why not dress like a sexy nurse? Everyone on Grey's Monotony looks amazing! What else do you think needs fixing? Nothing! Abuelita, the teeth-whitening trays you ordered came.
Listen, Mami, I have accomplished a lot in my life.
When will I ever be enough for you? It is not that you are not enough.
It is that I have not finished my job as a mother.
What're you talking about? I'm 40.
I have a good career.
I have two healthy kids.
You are living in my house.
You're done.
Done? You use a Trader Joe's bag as a purse! That was one time! Mira, when I woke up from that coma, my first thought was[gasps] "I cannot believe I almost left Lupita alone.
" So, no matter what I do, I'm a failure if I'm not married? Gracias a Dios, you finally get it! Oh, my Look I know in your day pleasing a man was a woman's greatest achievement.
You got that right.
I had to be great in the kitchen, better on the dance floor, and do my best work on my knees.
Aye, Mami, gross! Que? I kept that floor very clean.
I had to.
Your father and I made love on it all the time.
You are lucky that you met a guy like Papi.
I haven't yet, but that's not my fault.
But you are constantly telling me that it is, and everything else that you think is wrong with me.
How do you think that makes me feel? You're always comparing me to you because you think you're so perfect.
But a perfect mom doesn't make her kid feel like this.
Bueno.
Okay, Mom, I won't tell you about my driving lesson because I know it stresses you out.
So I'll just say that it went well, and Dr.
Berkowitz took a huge step with his daughter.
She let him give her cash in person.
Emptied his wallet.
I've never seen him so happy.
You're perfect.
[sighs] What? I want you to knowthat you are enough.
Is this some passive-aggressive Mom way of telling me not to gain weight? [laughing] No! No.
I just want you to know that I'm not judging you, and I am in awe of who you've become.
And if, for one second, I ever made you feel like you weren't a freaking perfect piece of work, then I'm sorry.
Okay.
I don't know what happened while I was gone, but I like you like this.
Lupita.
I have something for you.
Better not be neck tightening cream.
I just want to say that I'm not sorry.
Wow.
Thanks.
Mira, whatever comes out of my mouth comes out because I love you, and I want you to be happy.
I am not trying to hurt your feelings, pero if you want me to accept you for being you, you have to accept me for being me.
Lupita.
To me you are the most perfect person alive.
There is no one even close to you.
Butthat goes without saying.
[crying] No, Mami, it doesn't go without saying.
You have to say it.
Okay.
Okay.
You are enough.
You are more than enough.
- Okay.
- Okay? Ay, I said too much.
[chuckles] Anyways, herethe recipes.
The Bible? I mean, I know your recipes have been around a long time Well, I keep them in the Bible because Mirtha cannot touch them without burning her hands.
[chuckles] [sighs deeply] Huh? - It's amazing.
- Uh-huh.
Wait.
These measurements don't make sense.
"A whisper of paprika"? "Enough butter to make a man fall off a horse"? Oh, yes, it is written in code.
[laughs] The key will be delivered upon my death.
I hope I never see that key.
Oh.
[sighs] Given the way you take care of yourself, I may outlive you.
[theme music playing]