One Day at a Time (2017) s03e09 Episode Script


1 Oh, thanks, Nurse Alvarez.
But are you sure it's not appendicitis? I searched WebMD, and they said it could be all sorts of things, even cancer.
Oh, god! Do you think I have cancer? It's not cancer, but your family is still gonna be be very upset.
It's gas.
Are you sure? You had Cajun food at 3:00 a.
Yeah, I'm sure.
Just take some antacid.
You'll be fine.
[chuckles softly] Hey, Doc, maybe I'm just second-guessing myself, - but can I get a consult? - [Leslie] Sure.
Homer came in with some stomach pain.
She had intestinal discomfort? Yeah, but she also ate two pounds of blackened catfish.
Penelope, have you learned anything at all studying for your board exams? A nurse practitioner should know that appendicitis classically presents as lower right quadrant pain.
If her appendix ruptures, she could die.
Or worse, sue me! I would be penniless.
I would lose my penny collection, and it's all your fault.
Homer groans] I don't feel so good.
On second thought, We should check your appendix to make sure it doesn't - [splats] - [screams]rupture.
[breathes heavily] [exhales] So, I had an anxiety attack.
This is it This is life, the one you get So go and have a ball This is it Straight ahead and rest assured You can't be sure at all So while you're here, enjoy the view Keep on doing what you do Hold on tight We'll muddle through One day at a time So, up on your feet Somewhere there's music playing Don't you worry none We'll just take it like it comes One day at a time One day at a time One day at a time - One day at a time - One day at a time One day at a time So just to be clear, nobody exploded for real, right? No.
Oh, man! She did drop a monster belch in the hallway.
She never even came back in, but at that moment, I started to spiral, and my brain went to the worst-case scenario.
My worst-case scenario is the world ending, and I have to eat my mother.
And the whole time, all she's talking about is, "You are still too skinny.
" So you get it.
Once my brain goes there, I can barely breathe.
So, everybody here is familiar with anxiety attacks, right? I don't get those.
You never spiral into intense feelings of fear accompanied by palpitations and troubled breathing? Oh, yeah, I get those all the time.
After mine, I'm just drenched in sweat.
So to cover, I say, "I just got some.
Up top!" [laughs] Well, I always freak out during fireworks.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
Makes me feel like I'm right back in combat.
I know, right? The other day, a kid threw a snap at me.
Before I knew it, I had him in a headlock.
Now, the judge says I gotta clean some parks.
I just put my back against the wall and try to remind myself that I am safe in my apartment.
And then I remember how much I pay for a one bedroom in Koreatown.
Then the cycle just starts all over again.
Grounding yourself is so important.
Sit somewhere you feel safe.
Focus on your breath and think about what's real.
All great coping mechanisms.
Is something triggering you? That's just it.
I mean, I have these life-changing tests coming up, but I have that under control because I have to.
I've been working on it for two years now, and it's all getting real real.
Plus, I have a sexually-active teenage daughter, a fragile, elderly mother, and a son doing drugs.
[breathes shakily] But I think I'm handling it well.
Aw, honey, you're a mess.
[laughs] Okay, maybe it is all getting to me, but I have found some coping mechanisms that work.
Alex, did you do your homework? This is my homework.
I'm in high school.
[gasps] I'm majoring in doobies with a minor in Doritos.
Ooh! I can turn this into a bong.
[exhales] Relax.
[breathes heavily] What's real? What's really happening? I'm literally about to do my homework.
You don't have to remind me.
[hyperventilates] Are you okay? Why are you breathing so heavy? The ghost of your abuelito just passed through me.
That makes sense.
Abuelita comes out of her curtain all sweaty and says that too.
No one says "doobie" anymore, stupid.
You're the same age as me, stupid.
I'm having a really rough time, Pam.
The anxiety attacks are coming on stronger and faster.
Why don't we throw it out to the group and see how everyone copes? I'm partial to red wine and denial.
A Hungry-Man frozen dinner and a hungry man from Tinder.
Okay, none of those are healthy coping mechanisms.
I need something stronger than just grounding.
My go-to is the stop sign.
Like when I found out that Gina was cheating on me, and I lost it.
I found myself standing over a pile of her clothes, ready to set them on fire.
Well, I hope in that moment, you asked yourself what was real.
I did, and the answer was a can of gas in this hand and a book of matches in the other.
- But then - Ay, thank god! I pictured a big red stop sign, and it made me think, "Do I really want to go all Lisa 'Left Eye' Lopes on her stuff?" The answer was still yes, but I didn't.
I am so glad you had a moment of clarity.
Yeah, because I'm too pretty for jail.
[chuckles] I mean, look at this.
I tried the stop sign the other day when this thing happened with Mateo.
Your boyfriend? If you're thinking about checking his phone, that's a sign to check his phone.
No, that's not it, and we're still trying to figure out what we are.
He's getting real comfortable, though.
[sighs] I could just stay like this forever.
I signed us up for joint checking.
It's called a handcuff account.
[Penelope gasps] Oh, thanks.
Hey, babe, you mind grabbing me something from the fridge? Oh, wait.
I can get it myself 'cause I live here now.
Hey, what do you say we go have competent but unspectacular sex? Not all techniques work for all people.
Not all boyfriends work for all people.
Oh, no, he's great.
I mean, he's nice.
You know, he's a really good guy.
That bad, huh? Penelope, it does sound like you don't lean on your romantic partner for emotional support.
Romantic partner? More like "I need someone to watch House Hunters with" partner.
You should all have people you can turn to in moments of emotional distress.
Well, sometimes, I talk myself down.
But when that doesn't work, I turn to And I cannot believe I'm about to admit this.
You bone that dude? No! Look, I know it's hard to believe, but Schneider is oddly calming.
Like white noise.
The whitest of noises.
I know he's a privileged, hipster, clueless man-baby who thinks he's Latino but still pronounces the H in "hola," but he gets me.
We have a system, you know.
When I start to spiral, I text him.
He talks me through it.
Like the other day when I was taking a practice test.
[timer beeps] Pencils down.
I said, "Pencils down," Mom! - I got one more question left.
- No.
How cool is this? You taking your practice NP test.
Me taking my practice SAT test.
Mine's harder.
No, I'm kidding.
Actually, I'm not.
Next stop, Yale! Okay.
[laughs] Yale.
Narrowing it down, huh? Yes, to Yale! [giggles] So many things to think about.
Should I join the Whiffenpoofs? What the hell is a Whiffenpoof? It's an a capella singing group that's all male until I get there.
I'm gonna go check my test scores.
I love tests! Wow! Okay.
[laughs] Ooh, yes! I think I did pretty good too.
There's a whole other page.
[gasps] Oh, my God! It's like, even if I finished every single one of them [breathes heavily] I would still fail.
[hyperventilating] Oh, God! Just Oh, God! God! Okay, just breathe.
Okay, relax.
Just relax.
[exhales deeply] [types] [lute music playing] [phone buzzes] [lute music continues] - [lute music stops] - Come on! [crying softly] [laughs] No.
Oh, right.
She worries too much about their health.
Ah! Who fed this baby so much? [breathes heavily] [sighs] Oh, God! So stupid! Aw! He's so cute.
He looks like a little anchorman from the '70s.
[door opens] Hola.
Did you like that pug dressed as Dame Judi Dench? [laughs] Yes.
Thank you, Schneider.
All right, just doing my final check-in.
- Brought the Wet Wipes.
- Okay.
So, you okay now? All right, now just remember.
All this hard work, everything you're juggling right now, - it's leading to great things.
- [sniffles] Don't quit before the miracle happens.
And hey, I'm always here for you.
[all] Aw! Now I wanna bone him.
Pam, we're all screwed up.
Shouldn't we be cured by now? I never said there was a cure.
So all this is forever? What a scam! [laughs] Listen, you guys have made a lot of progress.
I mean, it's been two years since Ramona set anything on fire.
[all cheer] And remember, anxiety is always rooted in something, and it tends to run in families.
Oh! [laughs] Believe me, I know exactly where I got it from.
- Lupita! - Qué? Remember we went to the park last weekend, and there were so many mosquitoes swarming everywhere? I think they had the Zikas.
And now, we have the Zikas.
Oh, okay, Mami, good night.
No, no! Pero Elena bumped her head on a kitchen cabinet, un tremendo cocotaso.
We should not have let her go to sleep.
If she has a concussion, she will die.
I went to check on her.
Her breathing is relaxed.
Too relaxed.
Sueña con los angelitos.
[sighs] Ay! Now, I gotta go check on Elena's breathing.
Siri, Google Zika symptoms.
Wait, that was at what time? Like, 4:00 a.
What did you find out about the Zikas? I'm going camping.
I wonder if meditation would help your mom with her anxiety.
It certainly helped you.
Oh, believe me.
I've tried, but she always tells me that I should pray instead.
Hey, prayer works.
I always get a good parking space.
You know, prayer works for her.
And in a way, it works for me too.
[Lydia] Hola, Dios.
It's me.
I know you usually seek my counsel, but Pero today, I need a little favor from you, please.
Give Lupita a little extra help.
You know that Berto and I came to this country in search of freedom and for our children to pursue their dreams.
And Lupita is doing this.
I am so proud of her.
Obviously, I cannot tell her.
Otherwise, she will get lazy.
Pero please, give her all the strength she needs to achieve her dream.
You do this, and we will finally be even.
[all] Oh! Aw! I know.
I know.
She's great, except when she describes me being on antidepressants as[imitates Lydia] the great family shame.
Well, at least you can be a better example for your kids.
Oh, no, they don't know about my great shame.
Hold on.
What? They don't know you have anxiety and depression? No, I don't wanna freak them out like that.
They're babies.
Oh, yeah, what's Elena now? Two hundred and four months? They're so cute when they start driving.
[all laugh] All right.
Ha-ha! Hilarious.
I get it.
But I have the weight of this whole family on my shoulders, and I need them to believe that they're being raised by a stable person.
Wait, Penelope.
Having anxiety and depression does not make you an unstable person, but it can be hereditary.
Elena or Alex could be exhibiting signs, and it often starts around puberty.
Ay, puberty! Between pimples, and the horniness, and suddenly sprouting a mustache, and I can only imagine what Alex is going through.
And if Alex or Elena are exhibiting signs of anxiety or depression, they might not want to open up to you about it.
Okay, you know what? Let's just leave my kids out of this, okay? They need to know you're human.
Do they? Really? 'Cause I'm their mom.
And I don't want them worrying about things they don't need to worry about.
That's my job, right? I don't bring stress.
I take away stress.
And I have a very calming energy, and I make everyone around me very happy, okay? Okay.
[timer buzzes] Pencils down! I was writing a thank-you note.
I'm sorry.
I'm in test mode.
[chuckles] I just really need to step it up if I want to get into Yale.
Can you get early admission, like, now? Hello, everybody.
I really gotta pee.
My therapy session was great.
Everything is great.
She seem a little weird to you? Yeah.
She's probably just worried about how you wanna bankrupt the family by going to Yale.
Don't worry, Papito.
She will never get into Yale.
[Penelope] Yale again? Come on.
You know we can't afford it.
And, frankly, you trying to put the family under that kind of financial stress is really selfish.
And even if you do get in, everyone will know that you don't belong.
You'll never go You'll never go  You'll never ever go here  You'll never go You'll never go  And they let a girl in last year  [hyperventilates] Stupid, stupid You're very stupid  You're very, very, very, very stupid  [Alex] Elena, are you okay? Elena? - What's going on? - I don't know.
What's going on? What's happening? Look at me.
Okay, stop.
[breathes deeply] [Penelope] Okay.
You're home, right? You're safe.
Look at me.
Just breathe.
[breathes deeply] [Penelope] You're okay, all right? Look at this.
Who fed that baby so much? Oh, I'm sorry.
- Look, a dog with a wig.
- [both chuckle] Oh! [sighs heavily] You okay? Yeah, that was weird.
I'm sorry.
I just get really stressed out sometimes.
Has that happened before? Couple of times, yeah.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
Nothing is wrong with you, okay? That was an anxiety attack, and I know because I get them too.
Really? [sighs] You both know what anxiety and depression are, right? Well, I have that.
And I didn't want to tell you because I don't wanna freak you guys out.
Are you okay? Are you not happy? Oh, honey, it has nothing to do with unhappiness.
It's a chemical imbalance, and it runs in our family.
And it's nothing to be ashamed of.
Even though I'm ashamed of it.
But that's something I'm trying to end with me, 'cause I'm fine now.
And you're gonna be fine too.
Is this why you freak out on me all the time? No, that's me being legit mad at you 'cause you're a punk.
I know this is gonna sound really weird, but I'm actually happy to hear this, 'cause I thought that I was just going crazy.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner.
Well, I haven't felt anything like that.
That's so good.
But if you ever do, we're here for you.
And if you need to see someone, we'll do that.
And in the meantime, you both could meditate with me.
That always keeps me grounded.
Happy you're both okay, but, um, I'm gonna go do the thing that grounds me, looking in the mirror.
- I would love to meditate with you.
- Yes! I am so stoked to be calm, and I'm going to kill at meditation so hard.
I'm gonna be like, "What you looking at, Buddha?" Ooh, yeah.
You really need this.
Oh, Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death.
[theme music playing]