One Day at a Time (2017) s03e10 Episode Script

The Man

1 A sweet slice of orange for my sweet papito.
Really, Mami? If you always do everything for him, he'll never be able to do anything for himself.
- I'm fine with that.
- I'm fine with that.
Come on, Lupita.
Life has been torture for Papito since he has been imprisoned.
Imprisoned in this house.
And all because he wanted to spend some time with some girl named Mary Jane.
No, it's fine, Abuelita.
I need to learn my lesson.
How you doing with that list of chores I gave you? I'm almost done with all of them.
You're still working on this? We have eight more units to get through.
The green wire is extra.
Don't need to connect it to anything.
Isn't that the wire that trips the breaker if there's a power surge? Carry on.
Why you so stressed? Your aromatherapist out of town? Well, that's not helping, but no.
I'm worried about Father's visit.
I am really curious to meet your dad.
I picture the rich Monopoly guy.
No, that's my Uncle Doug.
God! Father's visit is stressing me oot! I haven't seen him since before I got sober.
Haven't you been sober for, like, eight years? Yeah, I'm not his favorite child.
Plus, he refused to come back to America till it was great again.
I have a feeling your father's going to make me want to take my earrings out and punch him in the throat.
Oh, definitely.
But please just roll with it.
All I want is to get through this and give him as little as possible to criticize.
That's why I poured my blood, sweat, and tears into fixing up the building.
I did all that.
You made me patch up the drywall 'cause you had just gotten a manicure.
Father says you can tell the quality of a man by the health of his cuticles.
A real man does not know what a cuticle is.
Anyway, I think he'll like the building, but my real ace in the hole is Avery.
He'll love her 'cause she's rich and beautiful, but he won't want to date her because she's over 30.
Oh, and please don't make fun of me when he calls me by my childhood nickname, Goldie, short for Golden Boy.
That's actually kind of sweet.
I was a bed-wetter.
[all] Oh.
This is it  This is life, the one you get So go and have a ball  This is it  Straight ahead and rest assured You can't be sure at all  So while you're here, enjoy the view Keep on doing what you do  Hold on tight We'll muddle through One day at a time  So, up on your feet  Somewhere there's music playing  Don't you worry none  We'll just take it like it comes  One day at a time  One day at a time  One day at a time  - One day at a time  - One day at a time  One day at a time  Papito, I am so excited.
We will spend the day together in the laundry room like besties.
Yeah, I'm excited too.
What happened to me? [knocking on door] Since when do you knock and dress like American Psycho? I always knock.
I'm the landlord.
It's a courtesy.
[groans] Did you join a cult again? Everyone, I'd like you to meet my father, Lawrence Fitzgerald Schneider.
Very nice to finally meet you.
You must be Avery.
- No.
- Oh, no, Avery's meeting us here in a minute.
This is my tenant, Penelope.
Thank god.
Ah, una Española.
Mucho gusto en conocerla.
Your Spanish is very good.
Escobar was an old friend.
Such a shame what happened.
Hi, I'm Alex.
Nice suit.
Oh, thank you.
A little boy like you made it for me.
So this is what a typical unit looks like, huh? Much better.
Looks like you two were about to check out our new, top-of-the-line laundry room.
Run along now.
And don't give me that rent late.
Oh, I almost forgot.
I brought you something.
Oh! Uh, that's so thoughtful of you, sir, but I'm sober now.
Remember? But this is Don Julio Real.
He's got his own house.
It's still alcohol.
[knocking on door] Ooh, this must be Avery.
You're gonna love her.
Now that's more like it.
Ah! Mr.
Schneider, - it's such a pleasure to meet you.
- Likewise.
You know, I met your father at the Bohemian Grove a while back.
Oh, dear! Was he orchestrating The Cremation of Care? As ever.
[chuckles] And we were also dueling skippers at the Mackinac Regatta.
Ah! Daddy once lost a Mackinac wager when his forestay snapped and his catamaran tacked starboard.
Ironically, it cost him his holdings in Pingtang! [both laugh] What the hell? - Shall we? - Yeah.
Was that even English? No, that was cha-ching-lish.
Oh, what happened? Everything is so different.
Yeah, they replaced the old machines that shook so hard they moved across the room.
Pero that's how I knew that the spin cycle was over.
They came up and smacked me on the nalgas.
It reminded me of your abuelo.
[giggles] [dryer plays tune] Schneider programmed them to play different songs when they're done.
Don't quit your day job, dryer.
Okay, and where do I put the quarters? You pay with your phone.
So dumb! [Alex chuckles] You'll get used to it, Abuelita.
Remember when you thought rays from the microwave would give Elena chest hair? We shall see.
Ay, your mother never empties her pockets.
Y qué es esto? UhLooks like a pen set and some catnip.
[gasps] Dios mío! It is las drogas.
No! Why do you think that's drug stuff? I think someone's been writing letters to a cat.
No, no, no, it is the vape.
I have seen it many times on Caso Cerrado.
[gasps] Alex! Your mami is addicted to the weeds.
Oh! Yes! [gasps] Mami! [sobs] Oh, hey, I was just showing Father the new sconces.
Oh! Did you try to pull on it to open up the secret entrance to the treasure room? [chuckles] That's all Bluetooth now.
But this is all very nice.
Impressive renovations, and you did it with your cuticles intact like a man.
I'm proud of you.
[gasps] You've never said that to me before.
You deserve it, son.
[gasps] You've never called me son before.
You finally earned it.
[phone buzzes] It's Dick Cheney! Hey, what's cracking, you old queen? Wow! He was almost not awful.
I know! And he loves the building.
[gasps] What did he like? The tankless water heater, the new mailbox hardware? Tell me everything.
He was very impressed with all your hard work.
You told him you did everything yourself, didn't you? He's my daddy! Plus, he loved Avery.
And not in the bad way.
He said she'd make a great first or fifth wife.
That's the highest compliment.
How is that a compliment? Well, the first wife is for breeding, the second is for spite, the third is to forget the second, the fifth is 30 years younger so it circles back to breeding, and of course, traditionally, the fourth wife's Asian.
I'm I'm just so tired.
Anyway, Father said it was ingenious that I picked the neighborhood when I did, because property values have gone through the roof.
That's not a great thing, Schneider.
It's gentrification.
No! This isn't gentrification.
That's bad.
This is good.
Everything's worth more.
Yes, property values go up for the owners, but businesses and working-class people get pushed out of their own neighborhoods because they can't afford rent anymore.
That's the best news of all.
You won't be paying rent anymore, because - we're going condo! - What? Condo-leezza Rice! Wa-condo forever! My condo Well, that one doesn't work, but we're going condo! We are going condo Condo, condo, condo Why is no one else dancing? You guys dance when the mail comes.
Are you serious? Oh, my God! I did this.
All of my work contributed to gentrification.
I'm the white devil! I thought you were just trying to get through this.
Now you're selling the building? What happened? I know, but Father and I got to talking, and he said a lot of things that made sense, and then he said this is something that we could work on together.
I've been waiting for this my entire life.
Well, a bunch of hard-working families are gonna be out on the street.
But I'm glad that you and your daddy have a little project.
Why are you mad? This is gonna be great for you.
You can own your own home, but the monthly payments will be the same.
I don't have enough money for a down payment.
I buy Target furniture! From Goodwill! Just get one of those loans where you don't have to put anything down and you only pay interest.
You mean the loans that broke America? When was this? Wow! Look, you're a veteran.
Can't you get a special loan? Or don't they, like, give you houses? They should give you houses.
You have no idea how the world actually works.
This is really gonna affect us.
But you obviously don't care.
[sighs] Of course I do.
But I have to do this.
You know, you can learn Spanish.
You can eat dinner with us.
You can pretend you're part of the family.
But when it comes down to it, you are still the man and we're just your tenants.
Come on, Penelope.
That's not at all No, congratulations.
You are your father's son.
Get out.
- Penelope - No, I mean it.
Please, get out.
[exhales] I cannot believe that Lupe is on the wacky weed.
Get me a fried egg so I can show her what a brain looks like on drugs! I am never going to stop yelling at her! Oryou can say nothing.
[sighs exasperatedly] Quiet mad.
That's the worst kind of mad.
A silent Cuban is the deadliest of Cubans.
But first I yell! And I give her such a pow pow! Abuelita, it's mine.
Huh? What? It's my weed.
Mom found it in my room and must have left it in her pocket.
Is this why you have been grounded? Yeah.
Mami has been hiding it from you because I asked her to.
I just didn't want to let you down.
I'm so sorry, Abuelita.
Abuelita, say something.
[sighs] Thanks again for going through all my stuff on such short notice.
You can account on me, 'cause I'm an accountant.
That used to be on my business card.
I took it off.
That's good.
[sighs] I'm feeling kind of vulnerable showing you all my finances.
That's, like, 12th base.
Twelfth base? You're either really bad at baseball or really good at sex.
Okay, Mateo, focus.
Can I afford to buy this place? [Mateo exhales] I'm sorry, but even with your VA benefits, you'll be stretched pretty thin.
Especially with Elena going off to college next year.
We can't afford to live in Echo Park without rent control, which means we're gonna have to move, the kids are gonna have to switch schools, and I'll have a six-hour commute.
Maybe we live in the car 'cause Mami is small.
And I'll just start pumping Alex with coffee now so he doesn't have another growth spurt.
Penelope, calm down.
You're actually in pretty good shape.
You can still afford to live in LA.
Let's take a look at your expenses.
Do you always see yourself living with your mother? Come on.
You really gotta ask me that? We're Latinos.
She lives with me.
I'll live with the Elena.
We'll just keep passing on that curtain and I'll figure out a way to like cats.
[sighs] I could kill Schneider for doing this.
Plus, jail would be a free place to live.
Look, I get why you're mad.
But you see how much this neighborhood has changed and I see how little rent you pay.
Has Schneider ever raised your rent? Not since we moved in.
You've been paying the same rent for 17 years? He's a saint.
But yeah, screw that guy.
Let's kill him.
Well, I took down the man.
I slightly loosened all the sconces.
And I wrote "colonizer scum" on the wall outside! In chalk! Go wipe that off right now.
Okay! Abuelita, say something.
Anything! Tell me one of your stories.
Here, I'll even get you started.
[imitating Lydia] Havana, 1952 How can I make this better? I'll do anything.
I'll clean the house every day.
I'll let you pick out all my clothes.
I'll even shave my head.
[gasps] Ay, no.
Gracias a Dios.
Papito, you should have known better.
I am very disappointed in you.
I'm really sorry, Abuelita.
It was a mistake.
And I'll never do it again.
I did it too.
What? The marijuana.
I, too, rode the green dragon.
Oh! Is that why you were staring at the dryer? No, I accidentally ate one of Leslie's pot lozenges, and I became very Como se dice? lit.
You got high? I got real high, baby.
And it was stupid.
And we must promise each other that we will never ever, ever, ever toss the devil's salad again.
We need to work on your slang, Abuelita.
But okay.
[sniffles] Don't cry.
- I said I'll never do it again.
- No, no, it's not that.
This is the first time you have ever kept a secret from me, and we don't do that.
We keep secrets from everyone else.
You know how we hide the good cookies in the oatmeal tin? And how you are the only person who knows I killed Elena's hermit crab with Fabuloso.
- I will take that to my grave.
- Ay.
Thank you.
[sighs] I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to keep things from you.
I just didn't want you to hate me.
Ay, Papito! I could never.
You are mi vida.
But you are growing up and it makes me a little sad.
And soon, you will not want to spend time with me.
- Yes, I will.
- Yeah? I love hanging out with you.
Especially now that I know we can get stoned together.
[knocking on door] Hey.
Come on in.
Sorry I kicked you out before.
But it's nice to know that you're actually capable of leaving my apartment when asked.
I'm so sorry, Pen.
I don't know what to say.
No, I'm sorry.
You caught me off guard.
This is your building.
And it is a good business decision.
And hell, if the shoe was on the other foot, I'd have kicked your ass out too.
[Schneider sighs] I can't expect you to push your father away because of us.
And I get it.
Family is everything, and no one knows that more than me.
The Alvarezes are gonna be okay.
And so are we.
[sighs] Great.
But I gotta say.
I don't think you should try so hard to become the man your father wants you to be.
Because I like the man you are just fine.
[Schneider sighs] What? Mar-a-Lago? But won't you be busy? [laughs] I'm kidding.
Okay, see ya.
Just got an appraisal on the units.
It was even higher than I thought it'd be.
Actually, Father, I've decided I'm not gonna take the building condo.
- What? - What? I really like everything the way it is.
You're screwing up the one thing you've done right in the last 20 years.
Well, this building is full of people I care about, and who care about me, and I don't want to screw that up.
Plus, I have enough money.
Enough money? I sent you to school in America so you could forget that polite, Canadian crap and learn some decent values.
My mind is made up.
This is incredible! I've given you everything and you've been a constant disappointment.
I put you through rehab three times.
If you were a better father, you'd know that you put me through rehab five times.
And you haven't given me everything.
I don't remember you ever once saying you loved me.
Oh, really? So this is about a little boy who's sad because Daddy never said I love you? Grow up, Goldie.
You know what? I'm officially done trying with you.
Then we have something in common.
Now get out of my building.
[door slams] That was freaking amazing! Where did that come from? Thanks.
[stammers] It felt amazing.
Oh, god! You didn't have to do that, but thank you.
Really, youyou didn't have to.
Yeah, I did.
Family's everything.
[Penelope sighs] Hey, you want to come over for dinner? You can invite Avery, and I'll even get out the good cookies that Mami and Alex hide in the oatmeal tin.
Yeah, I'll be right down.
- I justI just need a minute.
- Okay.
Oh, my god! We're staying! You're not gonna raise the rent, right? You know what? We're gonna talk about that later.
[exclaims] We're not going condo We're not going condo  We're not going condo We're not going  No, no, no, we're staying! - Oh, thank god.
- Yeah.
[sighs] [theme music playing]