One Day at a Time (2017) s03e12 Episode Script

Drinking and Driving

1 Mami, we need to talk.
Hold on.
I'm watching the President.
Oh, wait.
It is a hemorrhoid commercial.
Hold up.
I-I couldn't sleep last night because Victor told me he thinks Schneider fell off the wagon.
You know, my cousin Miguel fell off the wagon once.
And he rolled down a hill into a cave of bats and lived among them for many years, and to this day, he can see in the dark.
Oh, my God.
- Mami, this is serious.
- Okay.
I haven't noticed any signs of Schneider slipping.
Have you? - Well, what are the signs? - Not showing up for work.
So he has been drunk for the last 20 years? All right, that's a good point.
Uh, spending money recklessly is another sign.
But this is the guy who, while sober, bought wax statues of Ice Cube, Ice-T, and Vanilla Ice.
Is there any alcohol missing? [gasps] My rum is gone.
That was me.
Maybe we should go check in on him, because if he was drinking last night, he will be a hungover mess today.
[knock on door] What up, fam? Beautiful day.
Got up at 6:00.
Crushed a smoothie, went to goat yoga.
Ironically, the instructor had a camel toe.
Drunk, sober.
Who can tell? Yoga, huh? Let me ask you a question.
Did you do this move? - Yeah.
- Did you do this move? - Yeah.
- Did you do this move? [glugs] What's that? Thirsty Warrior? Ach.
Are you using again? Booze, pills, sticky icky icky? What? Where's this coming from? Victor thinks you slipped.
Did you? Oh, my God.
I'm fine.
Addicts always think everyone's an addict, just like Elena thinks everyone's gay, and Lydia thinks everyone's in love with her.
Stop flirting with me and get to the point.
Schneider, you know we care about you, so I'm gonna ask you one more time.
Are you drinking? Okay, the truth is, I did think about having a drink when my dad was in town, but I didn't, and I promise you, I'm fine.
If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna change into something a little more comfortable.
He's definitely drinking again.
What? You saw him.
He's his normal self.
Oh, yeah? 'Cause before he came in, he knocked.
[wheezes] - [Gloria Estefan] This is it - Oh-oh-oh-oh This is life, the one you get So go and have a ball - This is it - Oh-oh-oh-oh Straight ahead and rest assured You can't be sure at all So while you're here, enjoy the view Keep on doing what you do Hold on tight, we'll muddle through One day at a time - So, up on your feet - Patria.
Somewhere, there's music playin' Don't you worry none We'll just take it like it comes One day at a time Yep.
One day at a time One day at a time [Gloria scatting in Spanish] One day at a time One day at a time One day at a time School zone? Reduce speed to under 25.
Nun crossing the street? Do not hit her.
Did you really need to put that on a flashcard? I know you've never passed a test before, but this is how it's done.
Why are you wearing your nicest shirt to the DMV? Because this place is jam-packed with 16-year-old girls with cars.
'Sup, girl? Sick Mazda.
You came here to hit on girls? You can't even go out with anybody.
You're still grounded.
Girls love what they can't have.
After you get your license, maybe you could drive me to the mall.
I need to get something for Lydia.
Our one-year non-iversary is comin' up.
What's a non-iversary? It's one full year since your grandmother first told me that she had absolutely no romantic feelings for me.
I should get her something.
I will drive you anywhere you want because you're the best teacher ever, and I am gonna crush this test.
[squeak] [car doors open and close] I should've hired a driving instructor instead of relying on a family friend.
Why did I waste so much time making flashcards? Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
I'm actually gonna fail.
- Elena, relax.
- Relax? No.
I'm never gonna get my license.
I'm never gonna get a job.
I'm gonna live at home forever.
Then Syd is gonna leave me for a soft butch with a Subaru.
[breathes heavily] Okay, I think you're having an anxiety attack.
Here, sit down and just take a deep breath.
Think about something calming, like that Supreme Court lady you like Darth Vader Ginsburg.
You mean the tiny old lady clinging to life with one hand and to our frail democracy with the other? Oh, God, she's right.
[breathes heavily] - Calm down, Doc.
- I can't.
If Elena fails, it'll all be my fault.
They always say, "If you can't do, teach.
" But if you can't teach, what is there? [both hyperventilate] Okay.
Man, I thought the DMV was gonna be fun.
- Lupita, wait.
Wait, wait, wait.
- What? How are we going to play this? Who is the law? Who is the order? [imitates Law & Order theme] No.
Schneider's not even home, Mami.
We're just gonna go in, take a quick look around, and make sure he's not hiding anything, okay? Ah, okay.
Okay, Mami, let's spread out.
You go look in the cactus garden.
I'll check out the wax museum.
- Oh, Mami, look! - [squeals] Oh, deodorant.
I'm sweating.
Mami, this is a fake can for hiding drugs.
- [gasps] - This is what Alex had.
You just twist it.
Uhh? Now I smell like a horny eighth-grader.
Oh, look.
A giant smoking bing-bong.
Mami, that's too big to be a bong.
I'm guessing.
[door opens] [both yelp] It's actually a didgeridoo.
[plays horribly] [extends off-key note] [continues horrible playing] And not one lesson.
We thought you were at the Farmers Market.
Yeah, well, the figs were sub-par today, so I came home disappointed.
Now I'm even more disappointed to come home and find my best friend and her daughter sneaking into my apartment.
It is true.
I have violated the bro code.
You know what? I don't care.
Get mad at me all you want, okay? You're hiding something, and I'm gonna find out what it is.
Let me see if your pupils are dilated.
What? Stop.
I told you, I'm not drinking.
I went through a really hard time where I was tempted to, so you're not making things easier on me.
- I just want you to be honest with me.
- I am.
I've never lied to you.
Other than once when I told you chartreuse was your color when really, it's nobody's color.
Look, I'm sensitive, okay? I've been through this before with Victor.
By the time I confronted him, it was too late.
Well, I'm not Victor.
I've always been there for this family.
And the fact that you, of all people, think I'm a liar makes me feel like crap.
I'm sorry.
Well, you should be.
What is this? That's not my yoga mat.
I screwed up.
- We should get ahold of your sponsor.
- You're right.
I'm so ashamed.
I'll text Nick right now.
I can't believe I let this happen.
Thanks, guys.
You probably saved my life by catching me before I hit bottom.
Okay, Nick's on his way.
Good, because we're not going anywhere until he gets here.
- Thank you, but you don't have to do that.
- No, we do.
- Is there more booze in this apartment? - No.
- Are you lying to me? - Yes.
There's a bottle of vodka in the freezer.
Wax Ice-T is full of Long Island Iced Tea.
[Lydia] Schneider, there is no iced tea in Ice-T.
[Penelope] Yeah, I don't see any vodka, Schneider.
Schneider! Oh, boy.
He sent us on a wild Grey Goose chase.
Are you feeling better? Yeah, I think so.
This pug with a wig looks just like Dame Judi Dench.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Yeah, I'm feeling better, too.
Well, you should.
You're gonna do great.
You're up.
Thanks, Alex.
You know what? You're right.
I'm gonna make this test my bitch.
You can't say that.
I can.
Let's do this thing.
Well, my work here is done.
Plus, I made a date with a girl who failed the test four times.
She needed a win.
I still need help with your grandmother's non-iversary gift.
Well, the traditional gift for a first non-iversary is nothing, because that's not a thing.
[chuckles] Okay, here's a picture of Abuelita's bouquet list.
Maybe you can get an idea from it.
That's private.
I can't look at that.
Without my reading glasses.
"Take a hot-air balloon ride.
" No can do.
I'm afraid.
- Heights? - Baskets.
Let's see.
"Kiss Andy Garcia.
" "Kiss Julio Iglesias.
" "Kiss the ugly Property Brother to make the handsome Property Brother jealous.
" [chuckles] This part of the list was after she had some rum.
"Buy more rum.
" I've got it.
There's one on here that I can make happen, and I know she'll love.
It's perfect.
Oh, I I can't let you see it.
It has to be a surprise.
Because I don't care.
I just want my phone back.
Thank you.
Okay, let us know if you hear from him.
You're the person he's most likely to call in a crisis.
Okay, thank you.
Avery hasn't seen him? That was his almond milker.
But Avery hasn't seen him, either.
She says they broke up.
iAi, que triste! Well, I-I-I checked with all our neighbors.
[door opening] Mami, that's the kids.
Don't say anything.
I don't want them to get freaked out.
So? What has two thumbs and a provisional driver's license to be used only between the times of 5:00 a.
and 11:00 p.
with no passengers under the age of 20 without a licensed driver aged 25 or higher present? This guy! [laughter] Yay.
I am so proud of you.
It was pretty intense.
I actually started to have an anxiety attack, but Alex helped me through it.
Really? It was nothing.
 I knew what to do because of everything we talked about.
- [cell phone vibrates] - Ah, sorry.
My phone's blowing up with crying girls who didn't get their licenses.
How are they gonna get to me? No! I didn't think this through.
Don't worry.
I will find you an Uber.
Elena, your name is now Uber.
So much to celebrate.
Sparkling cider? Yep, and I sprung for the good stuff.
Martinelli's? Ooh, we're gonna party like slightly rebellious Mormons.
Thank you, Alex.
I knew you would pass.
Why do you think it's chilled? [grunts] Alex.
No, I really couldn't have done this without you.
You were there for me andOw! Oh, my God! Oh, don't worry.
It's okay.
No, my shirt! I need to wash it before it stains.
[man] Ow! [groans] Schneider? Alex, hey, man.
Are you doing a load? 'Cause I think I threw up on my pants.
Dude, what happened? Uh I think I ate something that didn't agree with me.
Are you drunk? What? No.
- I thought you quit a long time ago.
- [sighs] Yeah, well, I recentlyquit quitting.
It's all right.
I'm just gonna go upstairs take a hot shower, and I'll be good as new.
Are you sure you're okay? - I think we should call somebody.
- No! I'm sorry.
I just It's not a big deal.
It's not gonna happen again, so don't tell your mom you found me down here.
Come on! She's just gonna freak out and overreact like she did with you 'cause you smoked a little weed.
How long did she ground you for? Four months and counting.
So you get it? Yeah.
I do.
You did the right thing calling us.
Here, Schneider, I made you sopa de pollo.
And, uh, I got you a wet towel for your head.
I don't know if it actually works.
They just always did it on Nurse Jackie.
Thanks, guys.
[sighs] They say while you're staying sober, your disease is doing push-ups.
Thought I could drink like I used to, but, uh guess I'm out of practice.
We love you.
And you're gonna get through this.
Thank you.
I'm gonna go to the bathroom and try to clean up.
Okay, Schneider, but you need a hug.
Heh heh.
Okay, he's clean.
Alex, I, uh It's all good.
- Come here.
I wanna talk to you.
- [door closes] Mom, I get it.
Cautionary tale.
Scared straight.
No, that's not what I wanted to say.
I am really proud of how you handled everything today.
You helped Elena through an anxiety attack.
Berkowitz called me and said you helped solve his biggest problem.
I couldn't even narrow that down.
Plus Schneider.
It takes a mature kid to know what to do when faced with something like that.
I guess I just realized he needed help more than he needed someone to keep his secret.
Well, you were right.
And that's why, as of ironically, 4:20 [chuckles] you are officially ungrounded.
Really? - Yeah.
- Yes! Now go out, have some fun and in an added plot twist ba-bam! Whoa.
A twenty-dollar bill? I saw these in a rap video once.
Thanks, Mom.
Hey, Uber, bring the car around.
I can't drive you unless we have someone 25 or older in the car.
You're in luck.
I just squeaked by.
- [door closes] - [door opens] Thanks, you guys, for the soup and for understanding They're gone, so enough of the b.
My son has to find you passed out in a laundry room? How long has this been going on? And tell me the fricking truth this time.
It actually did start when my dad was here.
You been lying to us for that long? What the hell, Schneider? I know.
It's justahh.
Seeing him again reminded me of how he always said I was bad at everything.
But it's not true.
I was really good at one thing drinking.
I could always drink way more than everybody else.
It made me interesting and fun.
And when he was here, I had one drink.
And I actually managed to stand up to him.
So I started thinking, "Why does it have to be all or nothing? I can handle a drink now and then.
" But obviously, I can't.
What are you doing? I'm removing my eight-year chip.
I don't deserve to be in the Alvarez Museum anymore.
I blew it.
You're never gonna trust me again.
You know the first time you asked me to take Alex to his baseball game was one of the proudest moments of my life.
Nobody ever asks the addict to do that kind of stuff.
But you did.
You're the only one who's ever trusted me, Pen.
All that goes away now.
It doesn't go away.
It's just gonna be hard to get back.
Eight years.
And now the thought of going back to a meeting and starting over? I can't do it.
Yes, of course you can.
And you will.
I'm not giving up on you.
None of us are.
If you don't start going back to meetings, you're just gonna keep slipping.
You want to be a good role model for the kids, right? This is your chance.
Someone once told me, "Don't quit before the miracle happens.
" That's pretty smart.
Who said that? Ha ha.
You did, dummy.
I just don't know if I can face those guys.
You don't have to do that alone.
My name is Pat, andI'm an alcoholic.
- Hey, Pat.
- Hi, Pat.
Today is day one for me.
[mouths] Okay, 10-minute break.
- I'm glad you're back, dude.
- Thanks, man.
I'm always here for you, even if I'm putting up 500 pounds on the bench or out with some model or on my yacht playing D&D with the homies.
But next time, call your sponsor.
And I might call you, too.
For other reasons.
[closing theme music playing]