One Day at a Time (2017) s03e13 Episode Script


1 It was really cool of Victor to invite us to his wedding.
You're his ex-wife's landlord, and I'm his ex-mother-in-law's non-sexual, platonic companion.
We're practically family.
But, are you going to be okay? II mean, with all that alcohol around.
Thirty days sober.
I'm starting to feel like myself again.
I just wish Avery was coming.
- You still haven't heard from her? - No.
I tried everything.
Calling, texting, a plane in the sky with a banner that said, "I love Avery.
Sorry, baby.
" But they spaced it wrong, so it just said, "I love a very sorry baby.
" Anyway, I think it's over.
It is never over.
There will be many single ladies at the wedding today, and I will find you the perfect match.
I even put it in my bouquet list.
Lydia, I don't want to sound too forward, but[purrs] [sighs] Do I look too perfect? I don't want to outshine the bride.
[laughs] Just kidding.
Yes, I do.
[gasps] Papito! Guapísimo! You look like a movie star.
And, Elena, you look like a very important member of his entourage.
Anyway We still got a minute 'cause Mami is still getting ready.
How is she doing? Wellit's an unusual situation, and and she isHow do I say this? [Penelope shouts] Who took my pumice stone? - Flipping out.
- Mm-hmm.
So when she comes out, make sure to compliment how great she looks.
Am I on a runway in Milan right now? [purrs] Okay.
I get it, okay? Thank you.
Thank you, but you don't have to worry about me.
Yeah, I know that this is all a little weird, but I am going to be just fine.
That's great.
Take your time getting ready.
Oh, like I'm in a hurry to cram myself into some Spanx so I can watch my ex-husband marry a less-cute me? Alex, where is her pumice stone? And remind me to thank your father for scheduling the weirdest day of my life right before my board exams.
I should be studying all day, but instead, I had to study all night.
So you didn't get any sleep? I didn't get any sleep! Now, I get to have 150 people look at me with pity and say to me, "Don't worry.
You'll find someone.
" - Oh, but you will find someone.
- Shut it! There are only two kinds of people that go to their ex-husband's wedding, psychopaths and heroes.
Guess which one I am.
I'm a hero! Now, let's go! When she comes back in, nobody make eye contact.
I found the pumice stone.
This is it This is life, the one you get So go and have a ball This is it Straight ahead and rest assured You can't be sure at all So while you're here, enjoy the view Keep on doing what you do Hold on tight We'll muddle through One day at a time So, up on your feet Somewhere there's music playing Don't you worry none We'll just take it like it comes One day at a time One day at a time One day at a time - One day at a time - One day at a time One day at a time [string quartet playing] Hey, Mami, so that girl family? Not family? Cousin's cousin.
No blood relation.
Go for it, baby.
Look at this.
Two minutes in, and he's already found someone.
[laughs] And you will too.
You're so brave to be here.
Thank you.
This is actually really nice.
Look how happy the kids are.
- I know.
- I'm glad I came.
Everyone was so worried I wouldn't be able to handle this, but I'm doing just fine.
["Bridal Chorus" playing] Oh, no! Hola, Lupe.
You look very nice.
Thank you, Papi.
What's happening? Obviously, you are having a moment of self-reflection.
You imagine yourself as the bride at your ex-husband's wedding.
Totally normal.
And the seeing dead people part? Okay, that's a little weird.
But go with it.
Let's figure out what's troubling you, mija.
- Are you still in love with Victor? - What? No! I thought he was the love of my life, but no, he's not.
So, you're worried that you may not find the love of your life? I don't know.
Part of the problem is that Mami found you, and you set the bar too high.
It is true.
I am amazing.
I can't help thinking that this is unfair.
Victor gets his happy ending.
Where's mine? Mijita.
You know the answer already.
Don't give me that it's-all-inside-me caca.
Just tell me what to do.
- And do you, Penelope, take Victor? - [laughs] No, thank you.
I'm really happy for you and Nicole.
Pa Papi? You may kiss the bride.
This must be killing you.
[sighs] Pobre Schneider! I know you are sad about losing your girlfriend, - but you are really pooping this party.
- [sighs] I know.
I can't stop thinking about Avery.
I gotta move on, but it's hard.
Well, of course.
It takes time to heal.
Leslie, it's go-time.
What? This is Anna-Maria.
She's a swimsuit model.
[chuckles] Hi.
Ugh! Fine.
Let the sparks fly! Lydia, there's something on your bouquet list that I can help you check off, something big.
Oh, Leslie[gasps]what is it? I'm taking you to Cuba.
Was that a Cuban way of saying thank you? Leslie, I am so sorry.
My body rejects even the idea of setting foot in Cuba.
While I would love it more than anything, it would be too painful to return.
But on your bouquet list, you say, "Spread Berto's ashes in Cuba.
" Clearly, what I meant was go to Miami, find a pier, wait until sundown, play Berto's favorite song, and then spread the ashes on the ocean, so he can find his way back to Cuba.
He's an excellent swimmer.
It's so obvious in retrospect.
But I really want to do something for you.
[Lydia] Oh! What about this? Can I take you to Miami? Leslie, that is so sweet.
[gasps] We can even stay together.
Different rooms, but the same hotel this time.
Hot dog! I am booking the flights.
No, Leslie.
The same flight.
So, Berto's ashes was the last thing on my list.
There is still so much left to do.
Well, let's get to it.
What's next? A tattoo? What's the matter? You nervous about your toast? Just picture everyone naked, except for Tío Frank.
He has a nipple on his elbow.
[both] Ugh! No, I just I feel a little weird being in a suit in front of all these people, and I'm just having some flashbacks.
[sighs] I mean, everybody seems cool, but a lot of them were at my quinces, and some of them probably feel the same way Papi does.
The way Papi did.
That was two years ago.
So many things have changed.
I have a mustache now.
No, you don't.
Shut up.
I shave it.
[DJ] Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time ever, Mr.
and Mrs.
Victor Alvarez.
- [crowd applauds] - [upbeat music playing] Not the first time ever, but I'm gonna let that go.
[camera shutters clicking] I don't understand what happened with this one.
He seems great.
We do make a nice picture.
[shutter clicks] But there was just no spark.
Lupe, it is time I was completely honest with you.
Everyone thinks your mami and I were so passionate, but the truth is, we had sex strictly for procreation.
Nice try, Papi.
[laughs] I know.
I could barely get through it.
Are you sure? Maybe with a little time love could blossom.
He could be your happy ending.
Um, nope.
So boring! We're still buddies, though.
- See, Papi? That felt right.
- [shutter clicks] And you're gone again.
[shutter clicks] Don't worry.
I started a rumor that her tatas are fake.
Pass it along.
And as a wise man once said, "Love is the three-point shot you should always take.
" It was me.
And congrats on nothing but net, Papi, to you and Nicole.
[crowd applauds] - You got this.
- Thank you.
[clears throat] When I was little, uh, my papi would braid my hair and watch Disney movies with me over and over again without complaining.
So he's a hero.
- [crowd laughs] - [Elena laughs] No, really, people like to throw that word around, but my dad joined the Army out of a selfless need to protect the people that he loved.
And he's not only a hero because he gave years of his life to this country, or because he knows all the choreography to High School Musical.
That's right.
[laughs] My dad is a hero because, when his life was falling apart, he was able to put it back together, and in doing so, found love.
And I am so happy for you, Papi.
Congrats to you both.
[crowd applauds] Oh, you'll find someone.
[wedding party member] Whether she's teaching special ed or Nice work.
I even got choked up, and it's hard to make a man with a mustache cry.
[scoffs] Why are you in here? Ugh! You're not putting S in front of all the "hes" in the Bible again, are you? I hated my toast.
What are you talking about? It was really nice.
I meant everything I said.
I just have more to say.
But it's his wedding, and I don't want to be a jerk.
So how about you make the toast you wanted to make? Just do it for me.
And, you know, her.
It'll be good for you to get it out.
[sighs] - Okay.
- Yeah.
[exhales deeply] Hi, everybody.
I'm Elena Alvarez.
You might remember me as the girl who was abandoned by her dad in the father-daughter dance of her quinces.
How you doing? Nice to see you.
[sighs] Papi, I know you're trying.
That doesn't erase all the bad stuff that happened, and everything's not okay yet.
And today, it was me making sure everybody was comfortable, and me saying nice things about you, and me showing up for you on your big day when you didn't show up for me on mine.
[crying] I should not have to be doing all of the work.
[sniffling] The bigger person shouldn't have to be the kid.
Anyway, Nicole seems really nice.
[chuckles] It's good you did not make that your toast.
[laughs] - Do you feel better? - Yeah.
[Lydia] Thank you, Leslie.
Now, all the punks will know that I ride with Papito.
Thank goodness we found face painter at the bar mitzvah next door.
Thank you, Cookie the kosher clown.
Heads up.
The potato salad has shrimp in it.
[Victor] Okay, everybody, if it's all right, I'd like to say something.
[sighs] Uh, Nicole and I are so happy that you all are here.
Um[sighs] My kids they said, um, a lot of nice things about me.
But, um they left out a bunch of stuff too.
There was a time when I was not in a good place.
And I left my family.
And I was particularly terrible to my daughter when she was coming out.
So, in front of family and friends Elena if you would be so kind as to give your papi another shot.
I believe I owe her a dance.
["De Niña a Mujer" playing] [laughs] [singing in Spanish] What? Are we not doing that this time? Carry on.
- All right, what's next? - Uh "Kiss Andy García.
" Well, that might be tough.
Oh, come on! It's a Cuban wedding in LA.
He is here.
I just have to find him.
[DJ] We have a special request.
This goes out to Lydia from her longtime, non-sexual, platonic companion.
The Chicken Dance! A chicken dance? It's on your bouquet list.
You said "master a dance from another culture.
" Oh, you are right.
I swore I would never do this dance, because I have dignity.
But now, I'm an American, so hit it.
["The Chicken Dance" playing] Are you okay? Oh, no, I'm all kinds of messed up.
You? Seeing that father-daughter dance really made me happy, but if one more person tells me, "You'll find someone," I'm setting off the sprinklers, and we're gonna see who has extensions real quick.
[sighs] I can't get over Avery.
I had a magical angel woman who wanted a future with me, and I screwed it up.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
I'm sorry.
A wedding probably isn't the best place for me right now.
Well, I'm glad you came.
Otherwise, I'd be the only single loser here, so [laughs] - Avery? - [Penelope] Huh? Don't worry.
You'll find someone.
["The Chicken Dance" continues] ["The Chicken Dance" ends] [soft song playing] Oh, thank god! [laughs] Hi.
I can't believe you're here.
How are you here? Lydia called.
She said you should never give up on an Alvarez.
[chuckles] Apparently, you're an Alvarez now.
She said that? [Avery] Yeah.
That's why I'm here.
She really said that about me being an Alvarez? - Yeah, let's focus on me.
- Right.
Ooh, yeah, nights are so lonely I am so sorry.
And I don't know if there's anything I can say to make up for what I put you through.
How are you doing? Well, 30 days without alcohol was hard.
Thirty-seven days without youwas hell.
I'm so glad you're here.
[laughs] I'm a little scared.
But I'm really glad I'm here too.
I tried to understand the reason why And now I know it's all All because I love you I love you so much Lydia.
I would like you to meet Andy García.
Leslie, did you really not know who Andy García is? - Is this the end of our friendship? - No, no, this is Andrés García.
He is not the star of Geostorm, but he is a podiatrist from Glendale.
Ay, qué sweet! [laughs] The real, handsome, charming Andy García was not available, so you found me whatever this is.
[DJ] Okay, it's the last song of the night.
So, everybody, find that special someone and get on the dance floor.
[soft song playing] [sighs] Papi, this one hurts.
Papi? Hey, you.
Are you really here? Yeah, Victor invited everyone from the unit.
I was late.
I just got off a shift, but I can't believe you're here.
- Kind of a hero.
- Right? Thank you! So, um you want to dance, or you just want to keep poking me? I thought about you a lot this last year.
Me too.
So you seeing anyone? Is he here? I'mover you but also super-jealous.
No, I am not seeing anyone, which has made today extra interesting.
Turns out watching your ex-husband get married is not as fun as it sounds.
[laughs] Yeah, my ex recently married that contractor.
- [clicks tongue] I did not go.
- [laughs] And I may have left a rude comment in the online guestbook.
- Hey, your NP boards are coming up, huh? - Yeah.
Next week.
[sighs] I'm running on no sleep and no confidence.
Oh, please! You're gonna crush it.
I'm not a betting man, but if I had to bet on anyone it'd be you.
Thank you.
[upbeat music playing] Take care of yourself, Max.
You too.
I know I sound like a broken record, but that one anda, Lupe, he makes Andy García look like a podiatrist from Glendale.
[laughs] I know.
He was very much in love with you.
And I was in love with him.
I don't understand.
Don't you want a man who can make you happy? Everyone keeps telling me I'll be happy when I find someone.
But I'm already happy.
And I have no regrets.
So, mi niña, what is your happy ending? Maybe I'm not meant to have a great love like you and Mami.
Maybe I'll have many.
Maybe I won't.
But if there's one thing that I've learned today, it's that I look damn good in white.
[laughs] I'm so proud to be with you on your special day, Lupita.
Te quiero.
[announcer] Penelope Alvarez.
[all cheer] Dale, Lupita, dale Dale, Lupita, dale [all cheer] Dale, Lupita, dale [inhales] [exhales] [phone rings] Hello? [Lydia] Hello.
Penelope Francisca del Carmen Riera Inclán Ruiz Maribona de Alvarez, Nurse Practitioner.
Oh, I love the sound of that, but you can just shorten it to Penelope Francisca del Carmen Riera Inclán Ruiz Maribona de Alvarez, NP.
How was the flight? How's Miami? [Lydia] I don't know.
What? What do you mean, you don't know? I'm in Cuba.
[theme music playing]