Only Fools and Horses (1981) s01e06 Episode Script

The Russians Are Coming

- Well, this is it.
- This is what? This is what I bought this morning.
- What? - This.
The land? No you plonker.
This pile of bricks, only cost me 100 nicker, nice one, eh? Oh shrewd move Del, yeah, I mean people are panic-buying bricks nowadays ain't they Who the hell's gonna buy a pile of old bricks off us? Well, butcher or chemist.
Who d'you think's going to buy the bricks, builders ain't they.
Over 200 per cent profit here and all in the readies.
Come hereThey've just demolished a factory here that used to make prefabricated structures, right.
Chalets, bungalows, greenhouses, you know, garden sheds, that sort of thing.
So I thought - using my noddle - that we'd make enough out of the bricks alone, but you never know what's underneath do you, eh? Decent lengths of timber, bits of metal, you know, few gross of them roofing tiles.
Come and see what I found.
Get yer feelers on that.
Here, that's lead Del, that's pure lead.
There's about another 30 boxes underneath.
I estimate three ton altogether.
Three ton? What's that at today's prices? That's that's about 1000 pounds innit? Am I brilliant or am I brilliant? Let's get some of it in the van, we can do it in three shifts, come on.
- Is it ours Del? - Of course it's ours.
- Legally Del? - Don't split hairs with me Rodney.
Come on.
Oh that's the lot Del Boy.
No, no, no, no, Grandad not there.
No, no, we've got three tons of it here.
You see you've got to spread it out over a wide area, otherwise we'll be having tea with Mrs Obooko downstairs! Right, I hope this humping and sweating is not disturbing you Royal Highness! No, no, don't you mind me, carry on.
Oh thanks aHere, look at this Grandad, you've been carrying this one upside down, this is the way.
You are a lazy little bark.
And what's that you're reading, eh? It's another dirty book I suppose, is it? Honestly you've got a mind like a brown paper envelope.
I'll have a look at that when you're finished.
It's some paperwork I found in one of them boxes D'you know what we've got here? Yeah, I know what we’ve got here.
We've got three ton of lovely lead, that's what we've got here.
No, no, it's more than that That factory was producing prefabricated structures right? Bungalows, garden sheds, that sort of stuff.
Well, this is one of their experimental lines - it's a do-it-yourself nuclear fall-out shelter! Nuclear fall-out shelter, you are a wally.
No, it is.
Look, here's the brochure.
Here's the plans shows you how to build it.
He's right an' all.
This is a nuclear fall-out shelter.
This is probably worth more than we thought.
You can't sell it.
You don't want to put money on it do you? What do you suggest we do with it? Build it? - Yeah! - Leave it out Rodney! Do you realise how close we came to World War Three over Cuba, Vietnam, Afghanistan and Poland? I mean, it only takes one little rumble in the middle East then missiles are gonna start flying! And what have we got, eh, in this country to combat the might of the Soviet Union? Three jump-jets and a strongly worded letter to the Russian Ambassador! No, no, no, you don't know what we've got up our sleeves, us Brits Rodney.
Do you know Rodney that we've got a device that can track the movements of any Russian nuclear submarine? They can't keep track on ours.
- We've only got one.
- Have we? Yeah I think so.
Well anyway, they don't know where it is I sometimes wonder whether we do! I bet your life we don't.
You see this country is just not prepared for war, I mean, nobody knows what we're supposed to do in the event.
Yes, of course we do.
Alright then, what would you do if you heard the four minute warning? Well, what's it sound like the first? Well, that's it, no one knows.
Maybe they're gonna ring church bells, or bang tom-toms or send every ice-cream van out in the country to play its jingle.
Your guess is as good as mine innit? Do you realise the great powers have got underground salvos primed with enough nuclear weapons to destroy this planet multi-warheads - chemicals that attack your central nervous system, and leave you writhing in agony like a worm in bleach.
Bit like after a curry you mean? No, no, it's alright Rodney, don't worry, forget about it.
Look we've got 1000 pounds here.
Just think what we could o with 1000 pounds.
Eat, drink and be merry For tomorrow we die!! Oh come on Del, this is a Godsend.
Look if we build this thing we're gonna be safe, ain't we.
Everything's here, the inner walls, the outer walls, the air tube, the filter system, everything!! Oh come on Del.
Oh sorry.
Alright soppy, just suppose, just suppose, that we do build this thing, right.
Where we gonna put it? Well, you always fancied a little weekend place.
Why don't we find a spot in the New Forest? And how are we gonna get from Peckham to the New Forest in four minutes, you old div? Grandad's allotment? That's only a couple of miles up the road, we could do that in four minutes.
Yeah, on a Sunday, with a following wind, maybe.
Well let's give it a go, eh? We'll have a dummy run and time ourselves.
I'll get the stopwatch.
What - what you, look, I mean, what's the point eh? Alright, so say you can do it in four minutes, what is it going to prove.
Knowing them Russian rats they'll probably declare war in the middle of the rush hour.
- Where's grandad? - I don't know.
Grandad, come on, hurry up you stupid old git.
Never mind your fag, get in.
Three minutes and counting.
Yes, alright Rodney.
The missiles are just going over Sweden! They're bloody fast aren't they, they only left Siberia Two minutes 15 seconds and counting Del.
The missiles are over the sea and approaching Middlesbrough.
Yes, yes, alright Rodney.
Put yer foot down Del Boy! I can't Grandad.
Look, I'm going to the main road, ain't I? What's it like your side Rodney? Alright after this red one.
No!! - Bloody hell - I meant that red one! You tit Rodney.
- Come on Del, they're just going over Luton.
- Sod Luton.
One minute 35 and counting.
Oh Gordon Bennett.
Switch theWaynethe siren switch it off! He's young, enthusiastic Well, how are you then Del Boy? - Not too bad Eric.
How's yourself? - Can't complainHow are you then Grandad? Alright Eric boy.
Now what's all that about? 60 miles an hour in a built-up area.
You just herd the four- minute warning or something Well as it happens, Eric - Where's yer tax disc? Fell off did it? - In the post.
Well, why haven't you got a little sign on your windscreen saying 'Tax in Post'? We did have - it fell off.
- You been at those funny fags again, Rodney? - No I haven't.
Good, 'cos Wayne here's looking for his first nick Talking of that Del Boy, you might be able to help me.
I'm on the look-out for some stolen summer-wear, short- sleeved shirts and blouses, men's and women's slacks, swimming trunks, bikinis.
You after promotion Eric? No, me and me wife are off to Corfu next month, gotta look the part ain't yer? Well if I hear of anything I'll let you know.
Good luck.
I'll see you around.
And oi, take it easy will you .
Stop playing with that siren will you Wayne, you'll end up breaking it! - Here, how are we doing for time? - We died 45 seconds ago.
We're never gonna do this run in four minutes.
Oh, it don't matter, it's not the end of the world is it.
I thought that's exactly what it was.
All we got to think about is a place closer to home.
I've been thinking.
Oh my God, you haven't got an aspirin you can give him have you Rodney? No listen.
I may have found us just the spot.
Is that door shut tight Del? Yes, don't worry Rodney, no radiation can get in here! Here, what's this pipe! Oi, don't do that Del, it's fragile.
Del, Del, don't do it.
Del, this is our air-filter, our life line, our umbilical cord and one thing you must never do with an umbilical cord is bash it about with a hammer! I see, so this is our only source of oxygen is it, eh? What happens if a pigeon decides to nest in the other end, we're all dead I suppose, are we? Statistics prove that pigeons rarely nest in the middle of nuclear wars! - We're not in the middle of a nuclear war.
- We're practicing for one! Yeah, well, do the bloody pigeons know that? Look, a pigeon will not nest in our air tubeHave faith in me please.
How can you have faith in him, eh, Del Boy? I brings me telly in here then he finds out the signals can't get through the lead! I've said I'm sorry ain't I Grandad.
There's some pages missing out of this brochure, and you can't expect me to know everything can yer? Anyway, that's why we're having this weekend's practice so we can iron out all the little wrinkles.
Yeah, well I'll tell you one thing we've got to iron out.
And that is this has got to be back on that building site first thing Monday morning otherwise them Paddies'll go mad.
You, you are a wally, you really are! You don't have to stay here Del! I do have to stay and I'll tell you why I have to stay here.
I've got a grand's worth of lead tied up in this shelter and I'm not gonna leave it in your hands.
Knowing you two, you'd probably lose it! Just think what I could do with a grand, eh? Fly to America on Concorde.
I could buy myself one of them flash Rolex watches.
Have me adenoids taken out privately.
Yeah, but how many people can boast they have their own private nuclear fall-out shelter? Yes, that's true, knowing your bloody luck there won't even be a bloody warHere that's what we ought to do you know, we ought to drop a bomb on all them Russian cities, you see and declare war on them.
And what we say is that the declaration for war got held up in the post due to a communist-inspired strike at a sorting office.
Yeah, that's typical of a ruthless little mercenary like you innit? What d'you mean ruthless mercenary? I'm not a ruthless mercenary.
Who is it goes round at every Christmas making sure all the old people have got enough to eat and drink? Yeah, and who is it, during the Brixton riots, drove down in the van selling paving stones to the rioters? I mean, what did you think they were going to do with them? All run off home and start building patios.
Mine is not to reason why, mine is but to sell and buy! No, anyway.
Anyway I know a lot of them youngsters down in Brixton and their trouble and frustration.
Yes, you see, modern society has denied them their birthright of a war! Oh I don't believe you! You saying war's our birthright? Oh yes, yes it is.
For century after century you see every generation of British youth has been guaranteed a decent war! Well that's sort of, you know, raw, 'Over the top chaps, you know, try that one on for size Fritz' I mean that sort of courage is obsolete.
Because the next war's gonna be fought by computer programmers See, that's what's frustrating the modern youth! You can see them any day down the amusement arcade, you know, they're doing their national service on the space invaders.
Yeah but that sort of, of real war that I'm talking about, you know Errol Flynn leading the gallant 600 into the Valley of Death.
John Mills marooned in a dinghy, it's Kenneth More refusing to let a little thing like no legs get him down.
It's a glorious war that! - Don't talk like a berk Del! - Do what? What do you know about it anyway? The only war you've ever fought is the inch war! Ah no, I've seen all the films ain't I.
Ah tomato sauce and stuntmen I'm talking about the real thing.
I remember when I was a little nipper and I saw the soldiers marching off to battle.
Oh yes, it was a glorious sight alright! Yeah I bet all them spears and chariots must have stirred the blood mustn't they? - Just hear him out will you! - Alright, alright.
My brother George was at Passchendale.
Nigh on half a million Allied troops died there, all for five miles of mud! I was at King's Cross station when his regiment came home after the armistice.
Most of them was carried off the train.
I saw men with limbs missing, blind men - men who couldn't breathe properly 'cos their lungs had been shot to bits by mustard gas! While the nation celebrated they was hidden away in big grey buildings, far from the public gaze.
I mean, courage like that could put you right off your victory dinner couldn't it? They promised us homes fit for heroes, they give us heroes fit for homes! I'd never wear a British uniform - on principle! What principle? Well on the principle that the Russians might shoot at it! The politicians, and the military men used to con you see.
They had little lads, youngsters believing that their country really did need them! D'you know, they used to have little lads of 14 pretending they was 18 just so they could fight for their king and country! What, and they accepted the little sprogs? More often than notMy brother George lied about his age! Pretended he was 18? No, he was 18, he pretended he was 14, they saw through it though.
I think it was the moustache.
- Oh yeah 'cos 14-year-olds they don't - Bloody hell Oi, oi, what are you doing? I think there's a pigeon trying to nest in our air tube.
Think I've frightened it away, now don't worry! The battery's getting a bit low an' all.
Here, these batteries you've got here.
How long do they last? About 12 hours each! Don't time fly when you're having fun Here, here Oppenheimer, listen if the bomb was to drop round here, how long would we have to stay inside this thing here? Well, it depends upon the degree of the contamination in the air outside.
'Cos we're very vulnerable position here being close to the dock.
But I would say roughly - give or take a week or two - about two years! - Two years? - Yeah, give or take a week or two! If you think I'm staying in a lead-lined nissan hut with you and Grandad and a chemical khazi you've got another think coming.
Yeah, but if we leave the shelter within two years we'd die of radiation poisoning! And if we stay inside the shelter for two years we'll die of bloody lead poisoning.
He's right Rodney.
The rescue team will whip us straight round the nearest scrap metal yard! Yeah, that's another point, that's a point.
Listen, oi! These batteries are supposed to purify the air right, they last 12 hours, right? Okay how many of them are we gonna need? Come on Einstein, you're the one with the GCE in Maths! Well, it's two a day, seven days a week two sevens are 14.
See that Grandad - two sevens are 14.
Just like that, no hesitation.
Shut up will yer! So that's 14 times 52 - Twice! - I know! So that works out at about 1450-odd.
Well, that's not too bad, I thought we were gonna need a lot! What we're gonna need is 1450-odd heavy duty batteries, about five ton of canned food, and a three and 'arf acre warehouse to store it all in! Well I did say we'd have to iron out a few little wrinkles, didn't I? Few little wrinkles? A few little wrinkles? We've got more wrinkles than a elephant's got in his bleedin' trunk! All in all, and taking every thing in consideration Rodney, I think I would rather be outside and go instantly with the bomb! Instantly eh? And what makes you so sure it'd ne instant eh Del? Them bombs contain Strontium 90 not Nescafe! You see the bomb explodes bout a mile above the city right, causing a radioactive rain to fall.
Now this radiation then penetrates the pores of the skin causing violent sores and diseases.
Um, best not to wear anything decent then eh? Will you be serious for one minute.
Look, it's here once the radiation is in the blood stream it begins to attack your metabolism.
You'll become subject to drastic biological changes, that's metamorphosis! Yeah anyway, your shape and form will alter radically as the mutation takes effect! Don't sound too promising do it Del Boy, I mean you have a job to get a suit off the peg now don't yer! Alright, alright, you can laugh, but I'm telling you, this city would be inhabited by roaming mobs of mutants! Vacant eyed sub-humans dragging their knuckles through the litter and debris that was once civilization.
Sounds a bit like Stamford Bridge after a bad result Look if this is true Rodney what the hell are we doing trying to survive? Well, it's our duty ain't it, I mean when we step out of here we're gonna be intact, perfect.
Yeah, well I mean you know, the human race will be looking to people like us to replenish the species, we'll be like two new Adams going forth to multiply.
Yeah! And you, you dirty little ram, will be out there multiplying quicker than a pocket calculator! I see it all now, he's practically praying for the end of civilization just so he can get out there and put it about a bit! What time do you make it Rodney? Ten past 12.
Oh yeah, I make it that too.
C'mon then Grandad it's bedtime, come on.
Well, as the saying goes, if my species needs me I will not be found wanting.
Yeah, anyway that's one thing to look forward to innit Grandad, eh? You know, come the end of the war me and Rodney are gonna make a foursome with a couple of mutants! I'll have one with three lug 'oles and the eye underneath her arm, 'cos I don't fancy yours much! It won't be like that!!! You bet your sweet bippy it won't! It won't make any difference to you anyway, you go out with mutants in peacetime! I mean look at that thing you took out on Thursday! Cor, stroll on, I was so embarrassed I had to tell my mates you were taking it to market! I did try and warn you it was a bit ragged! Bit ragged! You liar! You said to me it looked like the one out of Abba! Yes, I meant the one with the beard, anyway we won't be the only ones to survive the holocaust intact, will we? I mean I'm thinking of the various institutions - public schools, that sort of thing.
I mean you bet your life Rodney’s got a shelter.
Eh Del? A thousand nubile girls - in a shelterin school uniform! You sicko! No, no, don't misunderstand me.
I mean the school uniforms are of no importance whatsoever.
I don't know why I mentioned them.
No, no, it's probably because you're a twisted perverted corrupted, warped little pervo! Well, yeah, that might have something to do with it! It's in the line of duty Del! They're perfect specimens.
They're intelligent.
Course they're intelligent, they're still at bloody school ain't they? They're fit - all that hockey! You might fancy the headmistress! Oh thank you very much.
Well, I think it's definitely worth bearing in mind.
In an emergency.
- Yeah alright, well, goodnight Rodney.
- Goodnight Del.
- Night Grandad.
- Goodnight Rodney.
- Night John Boy.
- Shut up.
- War is hell!! - What? - War is hell! Alan Ladd said that.
- Did he really? Go to sleep.
- Or was it Audie Murphy? - I dunno, I'm tired.
It must have been one of 'em! Well perhaps they both bloody said it! Now go to sleep will you.
No, that was Rock Hudson! For crying out loud, will you two go to sleep.
RodneyHere Rodney don't keep yer eyes closed - I'm talking to you! What? I've just been thinking.
Might not be a bad idea to survive the next war after all! Why? You got something up yer sleeve Del? No, no, just a little idea that's been running round in me old brain box, that's all.
What's the point? All the animals will be dead.
Won't be able to grow nothing 'cos all the earth'll be contaminated! Where we gonna get something to eat? Bound to be little Paki shop open somewhere! But we won't be the only ones to survive will we? I was just thinking about all them girls down at that Roedean School.
No, no, no, no, nothing like that, nothing like that.
I was just thinking you see, most of those girls down there, they are daughters of the noblesses! The what Del? The noblesse, the noblesses.
It's French for nobility ain't it eh? Oh sorry - I was miles off.
Well you see, down there you don't know who's who, do you? I mean you could meet a scruffy 17-year-old in a sweaty hockey shirt and muddy plimsoles, and you could be talking to the 459th in line for the throne! But after the old Russians have dropped 20 thousand nuclear bombs on us that scruffy 17-year-old could turn out to be the first in line for the throne.
So, you see, if I got on my bike, nip down there a bit sharpish like, did me Adams act - splash of Brut, you know, took her out for a steak meal - loads of charm - I could end up being the King! On the other hand a bit of mutation, a touch of Strontium 90, I could end up being the Queen.
But either way, either way, see it wouldn't matter because the taxman wouldn't be able to get at me, would he, eh? Because I would be the head of State.
And what with you out there multiplying all over the place, I shouldn't be short of a few subjects, should I, eh? We, we could go for our holidays in Mustique.
- What? What? - Grandad could be the Queen Mother! Yeah, we'll dye his hat pink yeah, yeah.
No even if that didn't happen and I can't honestly see how I could fail.
You see if the entire civilization was wiped out we'd all be equal wouldn't we, 'cos none of us would have nothing, right.
- Right! - Except us Rodney! Well what would we have Del? A grands worth of lead eh pretty shrewd, eh Rodney? Yeah, that's a real mindbender Del, that! No, no, we'll be alright.
We'll survive Rodney, d'you know why? Because we're survivors that's why.
When did the alarm bells start ringing and the missiles start firing, and all the people are rushing about like mad mice trying to find somewhere to hide, we'll be tucked up in our own little nuclear shelter.
The end of the world could be just the break we're looking for! Oh we're pretty shrewd Rodney.
If they started dropping the bomb on us right now we'd be as safe as houses brother, safe as houses!