Only Fools and Horses (1981) s01e07 Episode Script

Christmas Crackers

Oh yeah! Hey Grandad.
You wanna see this book Mickey Pearce lent me! It teaches you how to say filthy things to women from great distances without actually speaking! They can't set their brothers on you or nothing! D'you like your baked potatoes really well done Rodney? - Have I got a choice? - Well, not really! Yeah I like 'em really well done Grandad! I like 'em all burnt up so they look like rock-hard prunes.
Oh good! Well dinner won't be long then.
Body language? Yeah, it's no good for you Grandad, you'd need an interpreter! - Alright Grandad, dinner ruined yet? - Coming along nicely Del Boy.
Good good!'ang on 'ere y' are.
There's a score for yer, little Christmas pressie.
Oh cheers Del, very nice of you.
I didn't get you nothing, I don't agree with the commercialisation of a Christian Festival.
I don't believe that! He actually took me money then gave me a rollocking! It's like being mugged by a magistrate! Oh, and Merry Christmas.
Yeah - and a partridge up yer pear tree an' all you saucy old git! What happened to you today then? I thought I'd see you down the Nag's for a preluncheon aperitif and some light conversation with your little head bangers! No my stomach is a bit dicey.
Sort of burning pains! That'll teach you to play Russian roulette with a mutton vindaloo won't it? This is psychosomatic mate.
This is me brain sending messages to me belly warning it that Grandad's rotten Christmas dinner'll be on it's way down soon! Have a butchers in that kitchen Del! It's all smoke 'n' smells, it's horrible! He's got baked potatoes that look more like lumps of anthracite! There's green stuff out there - I don't know what it is Del, I was gonna ask then I thought I'd wait till you got in! Why do you let him do it Del? Well it's a tradition innit? He's been cooking Christmas dinner ever since Mum went! Yeah and he's been cooking it up ever since Mum went! What do you want, a sacre-bleu chef or something? I mean I don't fancy it any more than you do Rodders, but what can we do? Let's pretend we've both become vegetarians, then we won't have to eat his turkey! Don't be a dipstick all your life Rodney! If we pretend we're vegetarians we'll end up with a plate of anthracite and green stuff! Well I'm gonna say I'm on hunger strike - some kind of humanitarian grounds! Leave it out will yer.
I remember the lasy time you went on hunger strike over a protest about the American cruise missiles being based in Britain.
You said that you were gonna starve yourself until the missiles were moved.
So? So that was eight months ago! The missiles are still here but what's more to the point so are you! You went one and 'arf days on hunger strike then sent out for a curry! Well I was starving! That's the idea of it, you plonker! Grandad'll never wear that! Anyway, cooking the Christmas dinner has become Grandad's purpose in life.
All year long he sits in that chair watching the tellies like an unoiled redundant cog.
But come Christmas time he knows that he can whir into action.
It's his role within the family circle.
It makes him feel that he still has an important part to play, y'know that he's still needed! You don't want to take that away from him do you? All for the sake of a little bit of Botulism!! No, alright Del! Why don't you do what I do? Just put the dinner in your mouth and think of England! Anyway, for all we know this year it may turn out to be a gourmets' dream! I'll just strain the gravy then I'll give it up! We'll have get a plug put on this thing Rodney! Alright, alright I'll have some wine please Rodney.
- D'you want some gravy Del? - No thanks Grandad, I'll have a drop of wine.
Oh bain marie, bain marie! I will say this for those old Frogs, they make a blinding drop of wine! That shiyster down at the off-licence only tried to palm me off with table wine! Must have thought I was a Philistine or something.
Anyway, I pulled him up a bit sharpish.
I said 'Oi John.
I don't want none of yer table wine.
I said get down that cellar and you get me out a bottle of Vin Ordinaire!' Hmmm, not bad Grandad, slightly underdone maybe.
Slightly underdone? The reckon the kiss of life would revive that turkey! - That's enough Rodney! - How's yer guts now Rodney? Not too bad now Grandad, thank you very much! - Hope he ain't got worms! - He's doing this on purpose! Now come on you two.
This is the dinner table I mean worms and all that! Rodney's got a burning sensation in his stomach ain't you Rodney? Maybe they're glow worms! Oi oi oi! What's your game? Well do you think we could change the subject? Alright alright.
There's no need to get overwrought! This turkey's lovely Grandad, innit Rodney? Triffic! Who's Brenda and Terry? Who's Brenda and Terry? Who's Brenda and Terry? Who's Brenda and Terry Rodney? I don't know! What are you on about you old div? We got a Christmas card from 'em.
It said love from Brenda and Terry and the kids Shirley, Shane and Shaun.
- Yeah, yeah that was from Brenda and Terry! - I know! But who is Brenda and Terry? It's Shirley, Shane and Shaun's mum and dad innit? Oh! Did we send them one back? How could we send them one back? Who don't even know who they are let alone where they live! Just as well with them rotten Christmas cards you bought.
There was nothing wrong with them cards! You didn't like them 'cause they came from a charity organization! Now that is not fair Rodney.
Nobody like a good cause better than me do they Grandad? It's just that when you're choosing Christmas cards you've got to be very careful about which charity you choose.
What do you mean got to be careful about which charity you choose? Well some of them cards might offend our neighbours and friends.
It says Merry Christmas from Del Boy, Rodney and Grandad, and all the gang at the Deptford drug-addiction centre! And with all the cuts we've had in social services you don't think that's a good cause? I'm not saying it's not a good cause Rodney! All I'm saying is that at Christmas time people prefer a traditional Christmas card, you know with a nice wintery scene - a snowman, a little robin redbreast - not a sprig of holly and a bunch of mistletoe wrapped round a rusty syringe! You do me right up sometimes Del! I don't know why they want these drug-addiction centres.
I mean ain't we got enough drug addicts without them recruiting them? No Grandad! They're not training centres! Oh God, I give up! Can we change the subject again? Stroll on Rodney, we're going through subjects quicker than Mastermind! You didn't throw the giblets away did you? I only asked because I promised them to the old girl down stairs for her cat! There weren't any giblets in it Del.
It was ready-cleaned, said so on the box.
Yeah I know it was ready- cleaned Grandad, but they put the giblets in a plastic bag then put it back in the turkey.
- Do they? - Yeah.
- You took the bag out didn't you? - I didn't know it was in there Del! Oh my Gawd! You mean he's cooked it with everything still in it? Oh my good God, it's like peering into the jaws of hell! Didn't you at any time notice it? Like for instance when you were putting in the stuffing in? There's stuffing in there as well?? Oh it's everything in here Rodney.
Sage and onion, molten plastic andthings! It's like an Irish night in a delicatessen! I just didn’t' know it was in there Del Boy! Alright Grandad, don't get overwrought, it's over and done with innit eh? Don't upset yourself, As the French say, it's a fait acomplan What about the old afters eh? I'll go'n get it.
Don't worry! Cause custard is his forte! D'you like your Christmas pudding really well done? Sorry! - I don't like circuses! - What? - I don't like circuses! - Oh! - I never have liked 'em! - Triffic! Never will like 'em - Circuses.
Alright you've made your point Rodney! Why don't you switch over? There's one on the other side! Is there? It's a pity you don’t like 'em or you could be having a whale of a time couldn't yer? Now put a sock in it for 'arf hour or so will you? It's good living in a tower block annit Del? Yeah, mustard.
The Queen don't know what she's missing.
Look at that view eh? On a clear day you can seethe ground.
Boring Boring Boring Boring I'll whack you one in a minute Rodney!!! Well nothing's open out there and I'm bored! Hang about and I'll get on the phone and knock you up a Mardi Gras.
Everyone's bored! Christmas is a religious festival, it's meant to be boring! I thought we we're supposed to be celebrating the birth of our Lord! A time of great joy! It's a time of great joy and that's why everything's closed! Everyone's at home enjoying themselves! - Enjoying themselves? - Where's me nuts.
Just take a look at it out there, Del.
It's like a neutron bomb's hit it the buildings are still standing but there's no sign of life! No, the British nation have forgotten how to enjoy itself! We're all charging toward the cliff edge of terminal boredom like a herd of What's them things that commit suicide all the time? Japanese! No, lemmings! Yeah like a herd of lemmings! Let's go out somewhere Del.
There's bound to be a pub or a club open somewhere! It's Christmas night Rodney! The Monte Carlo club over New Cross is open! There again it's a bit rough! Oh yes all them big men, drinking beer and burping! You great big tart you! Alright let's go to the Monte Carlo.
A few birds get down there, we might be able to pull a couple! - I don't want to go out Rodney! - You're boring as well! You're hardly a go on the big dipper yourself Rodney! Well why don't you want to go out?? I'll tell you why shall I? It may have slipped your notice but there are three people living in this flat.
You, me and that scruffy little old man who does funny things to turkeys.
Namely our Grandfather! Now you're not seriously suggesting that we just push off out of it and leave him here on his own? But we often leave him on his own! Not on Christmas night Rodney, not on Christmas night! But we sit with him every Christmas.
He wouldn't mind just this once! He'd pretend he didn't mind! But you don't know what'll be going through his little mind as he sat here in this empty flat all on his own.
Thinking about the good old days when Mum and Dad were here - when Christmas was a great, big family affair, and we're still a family Rodney so we'll stay here with Grandad and watch, - Y' know The Sound of Music.
- I don't like The Sound of Music! - Well we'll switch over! - What's on? - A circus.
- I want to go out Del! Listen Rodney, there are a lot of old people all over the country tonight sitting on their own.
Half of 'em don't get a Christmas card let alone a bit of company.
So you're going to stay in with me and Grandad.
If I want to go out I'll go out! - No you won't! - Yes I will! - You won't Rodney! - I will Del! - You won't! - I will! - You won't! - I will! - I'm off out now, see you later.
- Yeah see you later Grandad.
Where'd you think you're going? I'm going to the Old Folks Christmas Do over at the Community Centre.
I thought anything'd be better than sitting in here all night listening to you two arguing.
Tell us what happens in The Sound of Music.
See yer.
YeahSee yer, Grandad.
That's terrific that is, innit? Charming.
He goes out gallivanting and we have to stay in and watch Julie Andrews.
Oh no, bruver - definitely not.
Let's put our glad rags on and hit the Monte Carlo Club.
I'll have a bath first 'cause there's hardly any hot water left.
Fix yerself a drink, make yerself comfortable - and watch the circus.
Oi John.
Giss a Remi Martin with cream soda and lots of ice, and 'arf of lager.
- You alright, Earl? - Hullo Del Boy.
Nice Christmas? - Blinder.
Where's the enemy? - She took the kids over her mum's.
How's the old man? Up and down like Tower Bridge.
Still in hospital - unconscious most of the time - when he wakes up he don't know where he is.
Well next time he comes round again you wish him a Merry Christmas from me and Rodney.
I will, Del.
- What's wrong with him? - I can't pronounce it.
Oh, now listen Earl, now listen my son, this is what you want to do.
Next time you're up the hospital, you get hold of one of them surgeons you know they're the guys with the little white jackets and you say to him that your old Dad wants some antibiotics, An - ee - by- o-ics.
I'll write it down for yer.
Give me that Replay that I gave you for your Christmas present.
You're being a bit pushy, ain't you? I mean don't you think the hospital's already thought of that? That bunch of wallies?? These are magic things Earl.
They work a treat.
Gawd knows where they get 'em from.
D'you remember when Grandad was in hospital about eighteen month back? They gave him so many antibiotics that one day he sneezed and two other blokes got better.
Well there it is.
Don't take this to a chemist's it ain't a prescription.
No I won't, Del Boy.
Well thanks a lot, that's really nice of you.
That's alright my son.
You have a good Christmas, you hear? Come on Rodney.
You're something else you are.
You've stuck your nose in where it weren't wanted a good few times but this takes the biscuit.
Suddenly you're a miracle worker.
Listen Rodney.
Life's been pretty gutty for Earl quite recently.
First, he got made redundant, it's been like that between him and his missus then to top it all his old man collapses in the Nag's Head right across the table where me and Trig were sitting.
- It was terrible, glasses went flying, everything.
- Yeah? What, serious? No, I only had about that much left.
No, I mean can't afford a private hospital.
He wanted to take his dad to Lourdes, but couldn't afford the fare.
The way his luck's going he couldn't afford the fare to Leeds let alone Lourdes.
So I have just given him a bit of false hope - a light at the end of the tunnel, a straw to grab at, a bit of promise for the New Year.
But what if he tells the hospital to administer these drugs? It might finish the old man off.
Leave it out Rodney.
What do you think they are up the hospital, a bunch of wallies? But you just said You're flash you are aintcha? You think you know the lot.
Everything about you is - lairy.
What do you mean - lairy? Well just look at the way you're dressed to begin with.
You make Christmas trees look sombre.
And God knows how you've got the courage to walk down dark alleys wearing all that gold.
When they see you coming you must look like a mugger's pension scheme.
Listen how d'you think a peacock attracts a lady peacock? With his plummage.
This is my plummageWhen I approach a bird she don't see me, the good-looking young man about town, own teeth and all that sort of game.
She sees in her subconscious a white yacht floating on the blue waters of a Caribbean bay.
- Is that right? - Yeah.
With you they se a winkle barge sinking off the end of Southend pier.
No, because I don't need all the bullion and perfume and the white shoes.
I'm natural - I'm me, Del, I'm me.
Yes, I know you're you, that's why you always end up with a dog.
I don't go out with dogs! Leave it off Rodney, you've had more dogs than Crufts.
The other week Grandad took your suit to the cleaners and found a muzzle in the pocket.
No Rodney, I know the secret, that's why I always blag the good 'uns the air hostesses and part-time modelsOh yes bruv I got the secret - it never fails me Got a bone handy Rodders? I think you've cracked it again.
I wouldn't mind a sit down, the pins are aching.
Amazing innit? I mean look at us - the Peckham Playboys and I bet the only one who's pulled tonight is Grandad.
I thought you'd be used to it.
The only thing you ever pull at Christmas is yer cracker.
There's a table free over there, Rodders look lively.
- Hey Del, look.
- What? Ah no, they've only pinched our table.
Never mind about the table, Del.
Look at them two.
- But I want to sit down.
- We'll sit at their table.
Come on.
- Well go on then Del! - Go on then what? Do the bizzo.
Chat 'em up.
How come it's always me who's gotta do the donkey work, eh? You're like a spy you are, Rodders.
You find where the enemy is hiding but I'm the one who's gotta charge across no man's land and do the capturing! Well I think it's about time you took a bit of shot and shell.
Go on.
- You mean chat 'em up? - Yeah.
Go on.
- Alright then, I'll do it.
- Go on then.
I will.
What you doing? What you doing? Psyching meself up.
It's alright, he'll be with you in a minute girls, he's just psyching himself up.
Shut up, will you?! Come on, behave yourself.
This is kamikaze time, get over there! - I will! - Well go on then! In my own time, Del! Well go on then.
Just shut up, will you? Oi soppy.
Come here.
I'd like to kill you sometimes.
Sometimes I'd really like to hurt you bad.
What was that silly walk for? Your guts playing you up again? It wasn't a silly walk.
It was body language.
I've got this book on it.
Body language? I thought you were limping.
I was 'talking' to them! Talking? You were lisping.
What was you supposed to be saying? The walk was saying pelvis, virility.
It was saying here comes a man who's got natural masculinity and maturity! Well from back here it was saying here comes a man who's got his truss on back to front.
Don't do it.
Go over again and this time, walk normal.
I'm not going back there now, Del.
I've made myself look a right lemon.
No you haven't.
What after aborting me attempt half-way? You go.
Me? After you've made a right lemon of yourself? No way bruv! I'll tell you what we'll do, we'll act cool.
We'll stroll casually over the bar and get ourselves a drink.
Then when they're not looking.
Sneak out.
When they're not looking we'll ambush 'em.
You wally.
Come on.
Right I've got it.
No, shut up, shut up.
This is what we're gonna do.
You leave the club.
Leave? Yeah, then give it a couple of minutes and come back to the doorman and say that there's a brand-new Rolls Royce Corniche obstructing your three-wheeled van.
Why? Because he'll announce over the mike 'Would the owner of the brand-new Rolls Royce Corniche kindly move it as it's obstructing some sap's three-wheeled van! Then I will casually getup, jangling me keys, and join you outside.
Why? Well because them two birds will think that I drive a brand-new Rolls Royce Corniche.
Oh yeah, Yeah, but they'll also think that I drive a three-wheeled van.
But you do.
I know I do, but I don't want them knowing that, do I! But they won't know that will they 'cause you'll be outside.
- Yeah with you.
- Right.
So that means the girls will be in here in the warm and us two shrewdies'll be outside on the pavement somewhere congratulating each other! And then we'll have to pay to get back in again.
Yeah yeah alright clever Dick! Look, let's just play it by ear, shall we.
We'll go over there and engage 'em in conversation.
Oh no, hold it minute Del.
What sort of conversation you going to engage them in? I mean you always tell lies, don't you? You tell 'em we've got flash cars and we're film producers and we got a private jet! Everyone exaggerates now then Rodney.
But I don't know what to say.
I get embarrassed! Let's just tell 'em the truth.
Tell 'em about our likes and what we do.
I just want to sit down.
You can do the talking.
- God Almighty.
- What shall I say to them? Tell 'em you went down the auction last Friday and bought a 1962 A.
40 that you sold thirty Christmas trees in the market and knocked out two gross of fire salvaged Rubik cubes in Croydon shopping precinct.
Tantalize 'em Rodney, tantalize 'em.
You don't think it'll bore 'em? No.
They wouldn't have had so much fun since their last exorcism! - We can talk about Christmas! - Yeah, tell 'em about them giblets.
Let's go.
- No Del, hold it.
- I'll kick you in the shins in a minute.
Now what? Which one d'you fancy? Not yours, Look, they're both very nice.
I ain't particular.
- No, I'm not particular neither.
- Good! I'll have the blonde one then.
I fancied the blonde one! Gordon Bennett!! The darkhaired one's very nice.
And if I'm not mistaken I've seen her two or three times coming out of Guy's hospital.
Now either she's a very sick girl or she's a nurse.
Now you like a nice nurse, don't you, particularly in uniform, eh? Take it or leave it.
Anyway she's not wearing her uniform, is she? Well of course not.
You don't come to the Monte Carlo club dressed up as Sister George do you.
But she might have her uniform with her.
Oh yeah! Stuffed in her handbag in case she sees an accident on the way home.
Alright, so she ain't got her uniform with her.
But on the other hand, she might have something for your stomach might'n she.
Now come along, we're gonna make our move, and I'm doing all the talking.
So if you should hear things like Lamborghini, Malibu Beach or Lady Diana, don't get nervous.
Alright then.
You dozy little twonk, Rodney.
Me? Don't blame me Del, it's your fault.
Five minutes ago I was ready to make my move, but you kept calling me back.
An hour ago I was half-way across that floor and you called me back.
That's 'cause you was doing a silly walk.
And anyway your timing was all wrong.
The birds had hardly sat down and you were steaming across that floor like Ivor the Engine.
It's no good just crashing in with a smile and a prayer.
A woman needs time, Rodney.
Them tactics have never failed me in the past.
Well they wouldn't with them Ovaltinies you chat up.
I've heard your line of patter my son.
If they don't know Adam Ant's birthday or the Chelsea result, it's goodnight Vienna, innit? With me, it's different.
I take a woman's feelings into consideration.
I do.
When a woman goes out with me she is guaranteed three things - well four actually, but the fourth's an optional extra.
She's guaranteed a well dressed man.
She is guaranteed a steak meal.
And she is guaranteed care and consideration.
Oh yes she is.
I take a woman's feelings into consideration.
It's so easy to hurt her deeply with a thoughtless word, a badly timed gesture.
No, I care about women's feelings.
There's too much pain in this world Rodney without me causing more! Excuse me, Ladies.
It's getting rather late and my brother and I were wondering if you were thinking of going home yet? Oh yes, we were just going to get our coats.
Oh good, we can have your chairs then, can't we? Come on Rodney.
Excuse me love.