Only Fools and Horses (1981) s02e01 Episode Script

The Long Legs of the Law

- Have you seen my teeth? - Have you tried yer mouth? Now don't get sarky, Rodney.
I had 'em lat night, I meant to put them in soak.
I might have left 'em in the kitchen.
D'you want any breakfast, Rodney? No I don't! My belly' going up and down like Tower Bridge.
I'll see if we've got anything out here for you.
Right.
Ah! There you are Rodney.
Morning.
Great night last night weren't it, eh? Hey Grandad, I found your teeth, they were outside by the rubbish chute.
What were they doing out there? Well, I don't know, do I? Did you lend 'em to anyone? Course I didn't.
Are you sure? Here put a couple of rashers of streaky in that pan for me will you, Grandad.
That's what you need, Rodney, after a night on the old drink, a nice drop of the old bacon fat, slides down the little red lane like a pint of Duchhams on a warm morning.
'Ere what's a matter with you, you're not still sulking are you? No! Oh no - no.
Come on, grow up Rodney, grow up will you.
What's up with him now? I'll tell you what's the matter with him, shall I, Grandad.
The other day I met a couple of birds, a mother and her daughter.
Now I've known them for a long time, they're two very charming people.
Anyway, I suggested that we made up a foursome, right.
So last night we went out for a drink.
We took them out and gave them a nice drink.
Had a lovely meal and then, him over there, he goes and gets the sulks don't he.
What's the matter with you, Rodney? It sounds like a nice evening.
Grandad - when he said we was going out with a mother and her daughter I assumed that I'd be with the daughter.
Instead of that, he drags me round every pub in the Old Kent Road holding hands with some old sort with a cough.
I thought it was a very romantic evening, Rodney.
Well it might have been for you Del.
For me the night air was filled with all the sensuous promise of a tour round the Sanatogen works! 'Ere, how's that bacon? Alright.
You didn't get in till four o' clock.
What d'you do, go back to their place? No, don't get excited, we went on to this little spick drinking club I know, over New Cross.
'Ere you know who was there, Grandad.
Tommy Razzle.
Do you remember Tommy, used to live in Cathles House.
Oh young Razzle - used to have that dog? Yeah, that's right - well he's married 'er now! He still on the Underground? No, no, no, him and er - him and Monkey Harris they've teamed up together, they put in false ceilings or something.
They've just come back from Saudi Arabia, they was putting in a false ceiling in a - in a dental clinic or something.
Anyway, they had a big row, didn't they, Rodney, last night.
You should have seen it - you see Tommy, he reckoned that he'd seen a salt beef bar in Jeddah and Monkey Harris said no way.
Anyway, before we knew where we were they was off, weren't they.
Tables flying, bottles, glasses Almost had to call for the manager at one point, didn't I? Yeah, that's right.
It was as bad as that.
Anyway somebody phoned the law right and who'd they send, but a young policewoman! Well, course, that was it weren't it.
Should have seen him over there.
What! His eyes went all goggle like that and then he was sniffing round her.
I was not sniffing round her! I merely asked her if she needed any assistance.
Oh leave it out! There was Monkey Harris draped over a keep left sign, there was Tommy with the handcuffs on, their two wives were fighting like a couple of strays and this plonker here is trying to date the arresting officer.
You should have seen it, it was pathetic.
He was going, 'Well, you know, um, well I'm thinking of going to the pictures tomorrow, d'you - d'you want to come?' The only date that you would have got with her was ten o' clock Monday morning at Horseferry Road Magistrates! How's that bacon? Oh, I'll have a look at it.
Oh, Trigger called round last night.
- Yeah.
What he want? - With these watches.
Ah? Watches? Watches, look.
Knocked off are they? No, they're not knocked off.
Knocked off - he's a comedian isn't he - knocked off.
Hey, these are not bad.
Look at that Rodney - look at that.
What do you think of that, eh? Repondez s'il vous plait, ain't it - that one.
Yeah, they're not bad as it happens! No, I reckon that's a Longines or a Cartier.
- Trigger said they're four quid each.
- Four quid each, oh well.
Del Boy, I've burnt yer bacon.
Oh, you stupid old git.
I told you to look after it, didn’t I? Never mind, you can have it.
Come on then Rodney, let's go and see if we can flog some of these watches.
We'll stop off at Sid's place on the way, alright? Yeah, right.
Actually, I could do with something to eat now, I feel a bit better after that.
What have you done with my Sterodent? ICI have dropped a point.
Chelsea dropped three on Saturday.
They should never have sold Greavesy should they? Come on then, you fit? Yeah, right.
Right, what did you have Del Boy? Er, just a packet of biscuits and a cup of tea Sid.
What did you really have? Sausage, bacon, double egg, beans and tomatoes, mushrooms, black pudding and chips, three teas, two bread.
Bread was toasted.
No fried slice? No, not this morning Sid, belly's a bit dicky.
- What did you have, Rodney? - Just me usual bacteria on toast, you know.
One day I'll smack him in the mouth.
Yeah, if you can find it.
'Ere, coming down the Nag's Head tonight, they've got a couple of strippers on.
No, I'm going out tonight.
Oh - here take that back, I want one of them down there.
One of them biscuits, alright? Oh yeah, where you going? I didn't tell you did I? I've got a bird - Sandra.
Sandra? Where d'you meet her then? She was down the club last night.
I didn't see you talking to anyone lat night, not even the bird that you were supposed to be with.
Who was Sandra then - that part-time barmaid, was she? No.
She's not a part-time wallah.
She's got a career.
Oh career.
What is she - a lollypop woman? No! Policewoman! I mean, Rodney going out with a policewoman! What are the neighbours gonna say? Why's he doing it to us Del Boy? 'Cos he's kinky, ain't he.
He's got what leading psychiatrists call a - a 'thing' about policewomen's uniforms! Well if that's all he wants can't we club together and buy him one.
He don't want to wear it, he wants the policewoman to wear it.
Gordon Bennett, he may be perverted but he ain't dangerous! Could I please have the keys to the van Del? Oi, have you stopped to consider how your actions are going to affect our business? Don't you realise that them streets out there are our boardroom, our factory floor, and the people that live in 'em are our customers, our business acquaintances.
How d'you think they're gonna feel about doing business with - with a grass? Bloody 'ell Del, I'm just taking a bird to the pictures and suddenly I'm Bertie Smalls.
You're not taking a bird, you're taking a policewoman! But under the uniform she's just the same as any other girl.
Our kind and their kind don't mix Rodney.
We're like cats and dogs.
I mean you'll have to watch every word in case you say something incriminting.
Them people's never off duty.
Oh don't talk rubbish Grandad.
She's hardly gonna nick the bloke who's taking her out, is she? What do you know about it you wally-brain? Don't you know that police officers have to take a vow that, if necessary, they will nick their own mum and dad - she's hardly gonna think twice about a rag-bag like you is she? Now you're trying to run my life again ain't you Del? Well, if I let you get away with it this time I won't be able to go for a Nelson Riddle without you giving me a blueprint.
Leave it out.
Hear that? All I've done for him.
Here you are, Grandad.
What have you ever done for me? What have I done for you? I brought you up, I fed you, I clothed you, I picked you up when you fell down, I wiped your tears away, but most important of all Rodney, I've always been there.
I have always been there.
Besides that.
Always used to take you away on holidays.
Oh yeah, the Costa Del Kent! That's right, yeah.
You used to create therapeutic little adventure games, didn't you, like 'Let's see who can pick up the most hops today, Rodney'.
Hopping was all we could afford weren't it Grandad? You've either got a short memory Rodney, or you're just ungrateful.
Don't you remember the time when your little mate Roy Taylor got a set of Jacko roller skates for his birthday? You came in crying 'cos you didn't have none.
The next day Del Boy brought you in a pair exactly the same as Roy Taylor's.
What d'you mean exactly the same as Roy Taylor's? They were Roy Taylor's! His big brother give me a right hiding when he caught me on 'em! Yeah, I got him back for you though, didn't I? Yeah fine consolation that was weren't it.
I'm sat in me bed with a split-lip and an 'eadache! Alright, alright then, who paid your fine when you got caught or smoking pot? Yeahwell, I could have handled that myself.
What, 300 quid? Do me a favour, Rodders.
I remember when you got nicked for riding your motor scooter without a crash hat.
You only got fined five quid and you asked for time to pay! You've always been a bad 'un Rodney.
What 'cos I didn't wear a crash helmet? I mean smoking mari-jew-arna! You brought a slur upon the family name.
Oh leave of Grandad.
I'd have to get done for chicken molesting to bring a slur on this family's name! Oi, oi, that's enough of that! It's a good thing your Mum died when she did 'cos that would have killed her! Why don't you shut up you soppy old goat.
Look, I don't care what either of you say.
I'm going out, right.
I mean you're always on about how you brought me up, how you kept me, the one thing you've never told me is why? Well - tell you the truth the council wouldn't let me keep a dog in the flat! Well, I think it's because you wanted to see me develop into a mature adult someone who could stand on his own two feet - independent.
And one of the little clauses in my independence, Del, is that I decide where I go, what I do and with whom! Alright Rodney, alright, why don't you do that small thing.
You decide where you go, what you do and with whom you do it, because I'm finished with you - I've washed me hands of you - as far as I'm concerned you don't exist, right? - And Rodney? - What? Been raining, them roads'll be treacherous.
Drive carefully.
- Yeah I willCheers, Del.
- What for? Nothing.
Well I shouldn't be too late, Sandra's got to be up early, she's on riot patrol.
The world's a strange place to live in innit? Innit Grandad, eh? One minute you're walking along quite nicely, and the next minute, whack, life jumps out and gives you sobering thoughts.
Oh I've had a lot of sobering thoughts in my time Del Boy.
It was them that started me drinking.
Yeah, I can understand that.
The boy's grown into a man.
I don't, I don't feel as needed as I used to be.
Soon he'll, he'll fly the nest! But you know what the most sobering thought of the lot is? One wrong word from that plonker Rodney and I could end up doing five years! 'Ere I was watching that! Rodney home? No not yet.
He's most probably drove her home.
Yeah, more than likely.
Oh he's late though, ain't he.
'Ere I hope she hasn't asked to see his MOT.
Here he is now.
Oi, hello.
Z Victor one.
How d'you get on? Hope you didn't leave any finger-prints over the suspect.
Ssssh Del, he's brought her home with him! He's done what? What's he trying to do to me? Quick Grandad, hide things! What things? Well everything innit? That's bent for a start.
Quick get rid of it.
The booze Grandad, the booze! Hello.
Yeah, we were just talking about you weren't we Grandad? We just said, yeah, we'll give Rodney another month and then we'll phone the police.
I've just brought Sandra back for a nightcap.
- Oh good.
- Helloagain! Yeah hello, again.
Well did you - did you enjoy the film? Yes it was very good.
Take you to see something romantic, did he? No - The Exterminator! Oh The Exterminator.
Well, of course, to Rodney that - that is romantic.
I mean he cried his little eyes out over The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
Leave it out, Del.
D'you want to sit down, Sandra? And what have you been doing? Nothing! No, no, nothing.
No, we've been in all evening haven't we Grandad, eh? Yeah, and we've got witnesses to prove it! I wasn't asking you to provide an alibi, I was just enquiring out of politeness! Oh yeah, of course you was Sandra.
Sorry.
It's just that you know us being such a law-abiding family we're, we don't really know how to converse with er, the Old Bill! He's got a police record.
Yes, er Walking on the Moon.
You know you've heard that one, ain't you? I'll play it for you later on if you like, you know, if you haven't heard it.
D'you like Police LPs Sandra? I've got their latest one.
It ain't even been released yet has it Del? If it hasn't been released how d'you come by it? No - no, what he means is, no, it hasn't been released in Britain yet.
You see we got it when we was abroad on holiday, didn't we? We - we got it on holiday.
Where did you go? - Italy.
- Spain.
- We toured.
- Yeah we toured.
Well this, this is pleasant innit? You know, er, Rodney, you know he tried to join the police force once, it was after he failed the intelligence test to become a Unigate milkman.
He's joking.
No, no, I'm not.
That's a very nice looking watch you've got there, Sandra.
Yes lovely, isn't it.
Rodney gave it to me! Oh, did he? Oh, of course he's a very generous lad, our Rodney, you know.
Sometimes I think he's too generous for his own good.
Come on.
Er, Rodney hall you and me get Sandra a drink, eh? You and me.
And me and you.
You know, together.
You and me.
Yeah alright.
What will you have Sandra? - Gin and tonic please.
- G and T.
Cheers.
- What d'you give her that watch for? - Don't worry, I'll give you the money for it! I don't worry about that.
I'm not worried about the money am I? Don't you realise those watches are a very sought after property.
They are especially sought after by the River Police and the Flying Squad.
You mean they're hot? Hot? They're so hot it is advisable to wear oven gloves when winding them up.
But you told me they were straight! Yeah well I lied, I lied, didn't I? Appellation Bordeux controlee! What? We've got to think of a way to get that watch back off 'er! Yeah, yeah, I'll just say 'Sandra can I have the watch back, because I only lent it to you'! No we can't do that.
She might get suspicious mightn't she.
I'll have to think of something subtle.
Yeah, that's what I like about you Del, you'll try anything once! Oi, oi, oi! Just er - no I've got an idea.
Here.
Just watch me.
Here we are Sandra - a nice gin and tonic for you.
Please allow me to put it on the arm of the chaise-longue for you.
Oh dear, oh dear, butterfingers.
I'm ever so sorry.
Oh no, no, it's alright.
Don't worry.
No, I do worry, I do.
I mean I feel partly responsible.
Yes.
Oh look you're all wet.
Grandad, could you bring a cloth.
Look at that all over your nice new watch.
Give it - give it to me, I'll get it repaired for you.
Oh no, no honestly.
It doesn't matter.
It's water-proof.
Ah? Well, yeah, I know it's water-proof, but is it gin- proof? You see gin - gin's a very funny thing, you don't quite know where you stand with it, see.
Sorry, sorry about that he's a bit eccentric, you know.
Um, no if you, if you, if you give me that watch I'll get it repaired for you, alright.
Yeah, yeah, he's right, Sandra.
'Cos it's probably out of guarantee now it's been soaked in gin, you know.
Well are you sure you don't mind? Mind? La plume de ma tante.
It will be a pleasure.
There you are.
That's right.
There, look I'll let you have this back in what - you know, in a couple of months it will be as good as new! Well come on then Rodney - you know - get Sandra another drink.
That got you out of schtuck didn't it, eh? What d'you mean, got me out of schtuck? You put me in it in the first place.
Oh that's alright - go on, pass the buck.
Alright? Yeah.
No listen, no more cock-ups.
Just, you know, you think before you act, alright? Alright! Oh blooming 'eck.
I'm sorry Sandra, we seem to be right out of gin.
.
Ah no we're not, no I've got another three cases of it down here! Unbelievable.
I don't believe it.
What a plonker! What a plonker! - Oh well, here we are! - Yes, here we are! Do they let you bring your uniform home Sandra? Yeah, it's hanging in my wardrobe.
Why? Nothing.
- Rodney.
- Yes, Sandra? - Can I ask you something? - YeahAnything! - You know your flat? - Yeah.
Is there anything in it that's legally yours? I recognized a lot of the stuff from Scotland Yard photos and Police Five! Yeah, er, well I mean you know.
You're not interested in the little things that fall off the backs of lorries are you! No! But I am interested in who pushed them and who picked them up.
I mean you had three cases of export gin.
You can't buy that in Britain! - No, no, we got it on holiday.
- Oh, you smuggle as well? Ah, come on Sandra.
I bought you a doner kebab tonight.
And you gave me a stolen watch! Now I didn't know that was nicked! Well, tell that to the beak Rodney! You don't seem to realise I'm trying to build a career in the police force.
Now, what do you think my commanding officer would do if he found me in possession of stolen property? Put you in charge of the Christmas Club more like.
This is not funny Rodney, I could end up with the sack.
Which of you two's the culprit, you or your brother? No it'syeah it's me.
Del, Del don't know anything about it - he's a bit of a wally you see.
Well I'll come quietly, miss - it's a fair cop.
If I was to carry out my duty to the full I'd take you right down the station now But you did take me to the pictures.
And you bought me a doner kebab.
And a packet of cashews - and a watch! Oh no, forget about the watch! No, I won't forget about the watch.
Neither will I forget about the others, your brother hid down the side of the armchair.
Look - I'll give you shall we say spring clean your flat.
And after that I'm coming round with the CID.
That's 24 hours Rodney.
Yeahright.
Reminds me of that Gene Pitney song, you know 24 Hours From Dartmoor! Wellthanks for a lovely evening Sandra.
- Thank you, Rodney.
I don't 'alf fancy a coffee! Oh do you? Well there's an all -night sandwich bar down the Walworth Road.
Oh yeah.
I'll most probably pop down there then.
Sandra - will I see you again? Of course you will.
I'll be round your flat in 24 hours.
And in case you don't recognize me in uniform, I'll be the one with the warrant.
'well, we've got 24 hours, Del.
Well as you so rightly say Del.
Rodney, 24 hours is better than nothing.
Thanks for being so understanding, Del!' I'm gonna kill you, Rodney! You're choking me! Listen - that's right, this is it you dipstick.
Have you got any last requests? Yeah - I want to leave my plimsoles to medical science, now get off will you.
- No, I won't get off.
- Just leave him alone.
Now, what's up with you now? I thought you'd calmed down I had calmed down.
Then I trapped my finger in a flap on that table, got meself a black man's pinch and it's all this diptick's fault! I've said I'm sorry.
I mean, what more does he want me to say? You could say 'I'm emigrating Del Boy.
' 'I'm jumping of the balcony, Del Boy.
' Anything that would cheer me up.
Anybody can make a mistake Del Boy.
Yeah, you're right, look at the mistake Mum and Dad made! How could they produce such a stupid kid? Oh don't put yourself down Del.
I'll chin you, I will.
Look, we ain't got time to stand here arguing.
We've only got a few hours to get rid of all this stuff! That's right.
Help me clear out this sideboard, make it a bit lighter.
Did we get this sideboard down Hooky Street, then? I don't know Rodders.
I don't know.
Half the stuff in this flat is legal, the other halfisn't! It's been such a long time I - I just don't know what' bloody what any more.
We're got to get rid of the whole issue.
That's it, come on.
Oh I know, there's something that I mustn't forget.
- Oi Del! - What? Can I keep one of these bottles of after-shave? Yeah, what for? Well it's just in case Sandra comes round a bit early, you know.
Just come - come here, a minute will you.
No I - I don't want it now.
I don't want it.
Come here a minute.
Come here you! Will you just come here! I've just about had enough of you.
You - come here!