Only Fools and Horses (1981) s02e02 Episode Script

Listen, now listen.
'Ere, why shed a tear over the recession when you've got me around, eh? Now just look what I've brought you today girls.
Look at that, authentic French tights, alright? As worn by Sacha Distel's mum! No seriously - I'm being serious.
Now they're 20 denier and they're sheer nylon, not only are they run proof but they're fun proof as well.
Now listen, if I asked you for a pound a pair I'd get killed in the stampede wouldn't I? Yes, I would, I know, I can see your face but I'll tell you what I'm not asking you for a pound a pair, I'm not asking you for 80p a pair.
What did you say? You'd give me 60p a pair would you love? Put your money away I don't want 60p - I don't want 60p a pair.
I want 50p a pair and I'm starving myself Now come on.
Ladies, 'ere I thought you, I thought you were bargain hunters.
You ladies.
Now look you can't even get these in the factory for 50p a pair.
Oi Rodney, am I keeping you awake? No don't you mind me Del, you carry on.
Listen I know the Government keeps asking us to save energy, but this is taking the piss! Look, I didn't get a lot of sleep last night, worrying about all the trouble and what 'ave yer! Trouble.
What trouble? Well last night I went round that bird Linda's house for the evening, right.
And her mum and dad come home earlier than what we expected.
Catch you at it, did they? Well no - you know they didn't actually catch us.
It was all a bit of a panic though.
So where does all the trouble come from then? Well as I was leaving, her dad just happened to notice I had me jeans on back to front.
You had yer jeans on back toWell what'd he say? He swore at me! Yeah I bet he didI bet he didn't know whether you were coming or going! Oh, hello Trigger.
'Ere, how's yer gran? Didn't you hear Del? The old girl passed on.
Oh what a shame, I am sorry Trigger.
Weren't your fault Del.
The funeral's on Friday.
You'll come won't you? Er, Friday's a bit difficult.
I'm a bit tied up actually Trigger.
Anyway you don't want a big crowd there do yer! There won't be a big crowd Del, I'm the only one who's going.
Oh yeah, yeah, I'll come.
I tell you what I'll bring Grandad and all.
'Cos he used to know your gran, didn't he? Rodney'll come as well.
- Cheers Del - appreciate it.
- That's alright.
- I'll tell you what, I'll order a car shall I? - That's a good idea, Trigger.
I'll see you at gran's house, 'bout ten o' clock.
Alright - cheers.
Oi you, what's the idea of lumbering me with a funeral? He's a mate, isn't he? You wouldn't want him to go on his own would you? No of course you wouldn't.
Anyway going to a funeral'll be good practice for me and Grandad.
Practice for what? For when that Linda's dad catches up with you.
Now that is not funny Derek! Yeah I think it is - hilarious.
Alright, come on then girls, 'ere we are, genuine French tights, as worn by Charles Aznavour's sister.
It's Wedgewood.
Wedgewood's pottery! Oh, is it? Oh yeah.
I always got those two mixed up.
That must have been why I couldn't sell that Chippendale teapot last week! Oh well.
Here - look at this over here.
Look at that.
It's a copy.
No, these are nice.
Look at that - these are a nice, matching pair an' all.
Talk about a vulture.
No listen, Grandad.
Look, Trigger's gran left him these in 'er will, and all this other stuff he wants to sell it, right.
You know Trigger, he's not the brightest thing in Christendom, is he eh? I mean, I know a lot of people are born a penny short of a shilling but in Trigger's case God added VAT.
Look, if he tries to take this lot up town he's going to get right taken in ain't he - eh? So I reckon it's much better that he gets - well, you know, stitched up by a friend rather than a stranger.
I've put your coats in the bedroom.
Fancy a drink? - No.
- Dave? Just a small large one, Trigger.
Oi, don't you think this is the wrong time and place to be shanting it up? No, no, of course not.
Eh, Trigger what you reckon, eh? Would your gran like to think of us, you know, standing round moping and mourning? Yeah, she'd have loved it.
She was a miserable old cow! She never used to be like that son.
When she was younger she was a real live wire.
Life and soul of the party was Alice.
Yeah, I heard she was a bit of a girl.
They reckon that's what helped finish my grandad off.
You knew my grandad Arthur didn't you, Mr Trotter? Yeah, I knew Arthur alright.
He was a smashing man.
He took care of me when my mum went.
Where was your dad? He died a couple of years before I was born.
I can almost see my grandad now, sitting by the fire, one leg on the fender - other one in the corner.
It's alright, he had a false leg didn't he - it came off - Had a leg that long.
- Don't you be silly.
He was a road sweeper as well.
Yeah taught you the trade didn't he Trigger - eh? Takes you back, dunnit? Come on Trigger, it's no point dwelling in the past, you've gotta look towards the future ain't yer? Come on, you're going on your holidays on Tuesday ain't you? Yeah, I'm looking forward to that Del.
I've been under a bit of pressure lately, what with Gran in hospital and me case being adjourned.
It'll be nice to get away from it all.
I'm gonna live it up a bit.
Discos, nightclubs, golden beaches, blue skies.
Sounds great Trigger.
Where you going? IrelandMe gran left me a bit of money and these bits and pieces, so I ain't short of a few bob.
The car's here.
Well, just take one last look round the old place.
When you think of all that's gone on in this house.
Me gran and grandad living here together.
Makes you go cold don't it? No, no, come on Trigger - should be the opposite, shouldn't it - I mean you must remember all the warmth and the love that they had between them! No, there weren't much of that Del Boy, they didn’t talk to each other for 15 years.
Yeah, me grandad found out that while he was away in the army, she used to have another man in the house.
Did you ever hear that rumour? Me? No son! Did he ever, er - did he ever say who it was? Never.
I wish I knew though! I'll go an' fetch our coats.
They're in the bedroom.
It's up the stairs.
I know where it is.
That confirms it Rodders.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Confirms what? Well look, see that little mark there? - What? - There.
Oh, I can get that off, just a minute.
No, not there - not on - on there - look, that little mark there, look.
See that confirms that these urns areMeissen! - No! - Yeah, guaranteed brother! Meissen eh? What's Meissen then, Del? Well it's German china innit? Mid- 19th century according to the book.
There was a china sale at Christies the other week.
And a couple of pieces similar to these - not in such a good condition went for two hundred and fifty! These must be worth three hundred quid of anybody's money! Wait a minute, there's a paper in my bedroom with an article about it.
I'll go and fetch it.
An oi - you - you just keep yer mitts off that - right? I've got me eye on you.
- 300 nicker.
- Don't look very valuable.
Yeah, well the best one never do, do they? Oh it looks like the stuff we used to win at the fair! Oi, you break that and he'll stuff your head down the bog.
- God Almighty! - Grandad - what's up with ya? - Just look for yourself!! - Look at what? What's in there!!! - It's not a spider, is it? - No.
What is it? - It's Arthur! - Arthur? Trigger's grandad Arthur.
Them's his ashes.
Put the lid on Rodney.
Oh bloody 'ell.
Delcould you come in here please? There's something up with one of the urns.
If that soppy old git's broken it I'll stick his head down the khazi! Well - what's up? It's Arthur's ashes! Arthur's ashes? That's the black bloke who won Wimbledon innit? No! It's Trigger's grandad - Arthur! His ashes are in that urn.
Don't take the top off.
What's the matter with you - don't take the top off? What you got in here, a genie or something? Well, how d'you know it's him, eh? It's hardly a passport photo is it! It's him alright Del! I know it's him.
Yes alright, alright then, so it's him.
There you are look, nothing to worry about is there! Nothing to worry about? You don't know the full story do yer? You see, them rumours about me and Arthur's wife - well they was true.
But, but nothing happened between us Del.
You've gotta believe that - nothing happened.
We were just two lonely people.
Arthur was away in the army, and yer gran had justdeparted Oh no, she hadn't died - just departed.
Oh yeah, got yer.
Well we was just a bit of company for each other that's allBut Arthur wouldn't believe that.
No - well he wasn't as soppy as they made out then was he? He put a curse on me Del.
He pointed his bony finger at me and said, 'Trotter, someday, somehow, I'm gonna come back and haunt you!' And he had gypsy blood in him Del.
You know what they say about a gypsy's curse! Oh come on, you don't believe all that pony, do yer? Yeah, I mean, it was a long time ago weren't it.
You've moved since then - he's never gonna find you now.
Oi, then again being a gypsy he might have moved around a bit, eh? Never gonna find me? Look over there.
He's in the same bloody room as me! Now don't be silly, Grandad.
I mean ghosts an' all that - it's a load of rubbish, innit? Yeah, I mean it's - it's greasy kids' stuff, innit? Yeah, that's right, yeah.
No, no, I'm gonna go to me room.
And get the paper alright - yeah.
Who left this wooden leg out here? Don't be bloody silly Del Boy! I mean the thing is Arthur, you and me were - used to be friendsonce! So I think there ain't no point in holding a grudge is there? I know what happened annoyed you - it would have annoyed me! But, well, it was a long time ago, so why don't we just let bygones be bygones, eh? Well you never frightened me with all that old tosh about a curse and what 'ave yer! I mean I ain't the superstitious type.
In fact I don't know why I'm talking to you now.
Well I know you can't her me, Arthur! That is what you think, Trotter.
Arthur? You mean you can hear me?? You're coming through louder than a CB Rubber Duck Is it forgiveness that you seek, Trotter? Well yeah.
I'm really sorry for what's happened Arthur! Ah, but how do I know that you mean it? Oh I do, I do Arthur, really.
I'll do anything to prove it to you Arthur, anything you say! Alright then, tell me where your money's hidden.
I ain't got no money! Oh don't give me that you lying old git! I know you're alright for a few bob and I wanna know where it is hidden.
- It's in me suitcase under me bed.
- No it ain't, I looked.
You've been under my bed?? I've been everywhere, Trotter.
I am always with you On them cold winter nights when your two grandsons, Rodney and the good-looking one, are out, have you ever felt a presence? I am the chill wind that wakes you in the dead of night.
I am the - the movement in the curtains, I am also the creaking of the floorboards.
Always with you even when you're alone, I am keeping you company! What are you doing? You stupid little sod, that could have finished me off that could have! What's all this about? Oh, Soppy here was holding a seance with his little mate Arthur.
You never underestimate the powers of the unknown Del Boy! All I'm saying is get them ashes out of this house.
Why don't you try an' get in touch with Trigger, get him to take them away? Well what do you think I've been trying to do all evening? I've left messages for him everywhere.
And he'll be going off on a three-week holiday soon! Looks like we'll have to dispose of them ourselves then.
Yeah, looks like it.
Suppose that's the least we can do is to give a dignified send-off.
Anyway we can't give anyone a dignified send-off at three o' clock in the morning! Right? So we do it tomorrow.
You got any ideas how we're gonna do it? Well I thought we'd put him in an envelope and post him anonymously to a priest.
Bowls! Well you got any better suggestions then? No, bowls! He was a life-long member of the Peckham Bowling Club.
I think he'd love to be scattered over that green.
Yeah, well, alright, that's what we'll do then.
Well they could refuse permission! Yeah.
Only if we ask.
Come on Del, you can't go merrily sprinkling someone's ashes over a bowling green without being noticed! They'll be playing on it! That is why we're gonna do it at night, when they're not playing on it! Right? Alright - well I'm going to bed.
Yeah so am I.
Goodnight Grandad.
Del Boy.
D'you think I've made me peace with Arthur now? I mean that were a good idea of mine about the bowling green weren't it? I think he'd have liked thatAnd you heard me apologize to him, didn't you.
I mean, I don't think I ain't done nothing else that could incur his wrath have I? No - no, of course not! Mind you there is one tiny little thing that might have upset him.
What's that Del? Well Arthur is over there! Sweet dreams.
What are we gonna do now? How should I know? This was his favourite bowling club right? This is where he spent many happy hours right.
So I'll just turn the urn upside down and we'll have it away on our toes! Eh, no, you just can't tip it upside down, it'll leave a mound.
They'll think they've got moles! Alright then, we'll scatter it evenly about whilst we sing a hymn or something! D'you know any hymns? Er.
We Three Kings of Orient.
That is a Christmas Carol you wally! 'Ere, why don't you go the whole hog you know and sing Jingle Bells while I dance about and we sprinkle him around? Do what you want but hurry up.
Alright, I'll just say a prayer - get down on your knees Dear God, high up in the sky Can't see a thing me dear, there's nothing there at all.
I think you're imagining it.
Bill, I assure you, I saw something I You spent too much time in that bar.
Heave to Rodney, heave to.
This will do nicely! Del, I've told you before and I'm gonna tell you again.
You cannot perform a burial at sea in St Catherine's Dock! I'm not performing a burial at sea, am I? I'm performing one of them Indian ceremonies like what they do the Ganges! I saw it on Whicker's world, don't worry it will be a doddle! But this river's polluted! Well that ain't gonna upset Arthur is it, eh? It ain't gonna do the river much good either! Oh, look, just shut up will yer! Sit quiet for minute and think - sort of - religious! What are you doing? - God Almighty.
- Del! - What? - What are you doing? Thank Gawd for that! Say something sensible Del.
I mean don't go telling 'em we're boat people or nothing.
- We're Buddhists! - Dear God! We're scattering some remains - it's part of our religion.
Have you written permission from the river authorities? Have we written permission from the river authorities? Well of course we bloody ain't! Of course we bloodNo I'm afraid not Officer.
You can't do it then! Oh - oh I see - right, well, thank you very much for all your help.
Let 'em get out of sight and then I'll pull it overboard alright.
We'll escort you back to the shore! Oh right.
Thank you very much.
Ain't it marvelous.
There's never a copper around when you need one.
But the sods are always there when you don't need em! Magic ain't they? The old Irish tumble-dryer! Oi, you weren't were you? Of course I weren't! What d'you think I am, a Philistine or something? - Could be a sign you know! - What? Our failure to get rid of the - contents - of that urn, could be a sign that we didn't ought to dabble in that sort of thing! What are you going on about? Well, look, we're walking straight into the unknown here ain't we! I mean you don't know what strange dark powers we might evoke! Oh give over you tart! What d'you think, the bogeyman are gonna come round and get us in our flat? If they do, they'll be too knackered to do any haunting - them lifts have broken down again! Yeah, well, as far as I'm concerned Del you can scrub round it, alright! Give the urns to a church jumble sale.
I've washed me hands of 'em! Rodders, listen now don't be a plonker.
They're worth 300 quid! And you don't go giving our national treasures to jumble sales do you? Eh? I mean, just think what we can do with 300 quid, eh? We could get a nice new suit each That thing's just sucked up our urn.
Oi!!! - You've sucked up our urn! Your urn'? Oh my Gawd! What was he, a little kitten? - Eh? Is he winding me up or what? - No, he just don't understand, look.
It's not Ern as in Ernie, it's urn as in you know Grecian! Oh! Well I thought there was something blocking me tubes.
I'll block his tubes permanently.
Come on then.
Is it there? You found it? Eh, that's it.
And there was the, er - That's it.
- Yeah.
Thanks.
Right.
There you go.
And be careful where you leave yer bloody Grecian urn in future! I'll have the union in on this I will! Oh my Gawd, it's empty.
It's empty.
Arthur's been sucked up into that thing! It wasn't our fault though was it, Rodders? No, no, it was a complete accident Del - totally beyond our control! There's no need for us to reproach ourselves! Is there? No, no, no, there isn't! It must have been an act of God.
I mean, don't you see the poetic irony of it? Well Arthur used to be a road sweeper! To him this must be like a Viking's burial! Maybe he would have wanted it like this! MaybeI doubt it butmaybe! Hang on, he's just coming in now.
Del Boy it's for you.
- Who is it? - Trigger.
Trigger?? What's he want?? He said you've been leaving messages for him to phone you! Yeah, I know I had, that's when I wanted him to have his grandad's ashes back! But we've got rid of them now! 'Ere, supposing he wants them - you know wants them back after he comes back off holiday? He wants me to keep them.
What am I going to say? Er, well you just sayOh you'll think of something.
Oh yes, thank you very much Rodney, you're a great help git! Hello Trigger, how's it going my son? Yeah? What's the weather like? Oh foggy is it? Well it's a bit misty here Yeah.
Where are you? You're fogbound at Gatwick airport.
He's still here, he could get in a cab and come back for it couldn't he? Um, yeah, well Trigger - the thing is - look we've got a bit of a problem.
Yeah, it's a bit delicate.
So Well you know, I - I'd brace yourself if I were you - yeah.
Well you remember them urns that I had off you.
Yeah, well you see I was just sort of cleaning them up, like, to get them ready to go to the Boy Scout's bring 'n' buy sale, and er, well, I found your grandad's ashes in one of them Yeah I wondered what you wanted me to do with them? Yeah well, this is the problem innit, I mean what do you do with them? Look, why don't you leave it up to me Trigger? Eh? Of course it'll be a respectable and dignified ceremony! Yeah, yeah, good boy, well you know it makes sense! Yeah.
Eh? Well they must be your grandad's.
Nobody told me! Right you have a nice time Trigger and I'll see you when you get back alright.
There's something you forgot to tell me Grandad! What's that Del Boy? Trigger's gran was married twice!! Oh no!!