Only Fools and Horses (1981) s02e03 Episode Script

A Losing Streak

When did I nick your speaker? Oh that speaker.
Yeah, well I only borrowed it for the party didn't I? I gave it back to you the next day.
Well, alright, the next week.
Anyway, youÂ’re not honestly trying to tell me that you've only got one speaker? What just one!! Blimey, what a way to run a railway station.
Anyway, look, never mind about your rotten speaker.
Now listen, this is a once in a lifetime offer.
How would you like to buy genuine mink coat for 50 quid? No, no, it's not bent.
No, the reason why it's so cheap is because it's Ethiopian minkEthiopian.
Yes, I've got a contact in Babylon.
Ah, well, the only difference between Ethiopian and ordinary mink is the colourYeah, that's right.
What colour would you call them fur coats in the garage? Tabby.
They're a sort of mottled grey with delicate highlights in black and white I'll pop one round to you You ain't got a dog have you? I'm only asking you to look at it I don't want you to feed it or nothing! Oh well, win some lose some - nothing ventured, nothing gained - it's, well, boeuf a la mode, as the French say.
What's wrong Del? Wrong? No, nothing's wrong.
Things have never been better Rodney.
This time next year we'll be millionaires! Right, here put that parfum de toilette in the back of the van, and we'll see if we can make a killing down the old market, alright? - Right-ho.
- That's it, off you go.
D'you play cards again last night? Eh? Yeah, yeah, that's right Grandad you know me, eh? He who dares wins.
How d'you get on? I lost.
I even had Mum's lucky rabbit foot with me.
Brought me about as much luck as it did the rabbit.
You wanna ease up with this gambling Del Boy.
I've seen too many good men finish up in the gutter chasing 'easy' money.
It's that Boycie innit? You know Boycie, the second-hand car dealer from Lewisham.
I have never seen anyone so lucky at cards Grandad, it's all for big money an' all.
He ain't using a marked deck is he? What, no, we're close friends, anyway, he knows I'd break his arms.
Well I were in a card school once where the cards was marked.
I lost a fortune.
What, you knew they were marked? Oh yeah, I marked 'emI was never much good at cards.
Stone me! Never mind.
Here, this Boycie fella, does he like spinning the old coin Del, you know double or quits? Well yeah, him, he likes any form of gambling, don't he? Oh well here Del, you try him with this.
It's a doubleheaded coin.
A what - double-headed coin? I thought you only saw these in them old British movies.
Scotch bloke gave me this during the war.
I remember it like it was yesterday.
His hands was trembling and his voice was just a whisper.
He said 'I want you to have something to remember me by, Trotter.
Take me lucky coin.
' Then hehe went! What - he died?! Deserted.
Mind you, you couldn't blame him the way them Germans was carrying on.
Someone was gonna get hurt.
I don't believe it! I just don't believe it! I mean I thought we'd have got a right result with that scent.
You know I thought they'd be queuing - camping out on the pavement like they do at an 'arrods sale.
Instead of that How many did we sell in the end? What, altogether? None! As many as that was it.
Hang on, but I saw you sell one.
- She brought it back.
- Why? She smelt it.
She said the last time she smelt an odour like that was when the cat sanctuary got bombed during the war.
Alright Dave? How's yer luck Del Boy? Don't ask Trigger.
Still bad eh? I'll have a pint of mild please, love.
- What's yours? - No, thanks Trigger, I'm alright.
I've never seen such bad poker hands as he's been getting.
He lost 150 nicker in cold blood last night.
A 150 pounds!! It's alright! I'm just going through this losing streak.
It'll be alright, it'll soon pass.
You don't honestly believe all that rubbish about winning and losing streaks do you? You make your own luck in this world, son, there's no such thing as a losing streak.
You give my arse an 'eadache Rodney.
You don't know anything about cards, do you? You and your little mates are still playing strip-snap, ain't yer? One of these days they're thinking of inviting some girls along.
You see Dave, a losing streak is like joining the Moonies.
Easy to get into but a bark to get out of! Just how much have you lost Del? Got your 'ankie handy? I didn't want to tell you, I didn't want you worrying, I couldn't stand all that dermatitis all over again! We've got 70 quid and that's all that's left of your profits.
Well at least we can put the central heating back on and get something to eat.
Eh? You don't think I'm wasting this on food and warmth do you? This is my stake money for tonight's game.
You're playing again tonight?? Yeah, tonight 8.
30 at our place! - Trigger.
- Hello Boycie.
- Hello Rodney.
- Boycie.
Oh dear what's up with you, bird trouble? You look as though you've had a promise from a liarHow's yer luck, Del? Oh changing, changing, outed two-and-a-half hundred quid's worth of French scent this morning.
Oh good, your in the chair, then are you? - Oh yeah, yeah, Trigger? - I'm alright.
I'll have a cognac.
Better make it a small one, don't wanna skin you before tonight's game, do I? Julie could I have a double cognac please.
And I'll have a large, I said a large Chevas Regal with Coke.
Yeah and I'll have a double Southern Comfort with American dry! That's 'alf a lager for Rodney.
And why don't you have one yourself you know and put the change in the Third World relief bottle will you! So how's your luck pal? Well, not too good to be fair to you.
I've sold one today, mind you, a 1980 Simca Estate.
Only made 850 out of it though.
I mean what's 850 these days? Hardly heats me swimming pool for a week.
Grim innit? Oh yeah, absolutely.
I said to Marlene - the other day, you remember Marlene, Del.
Oh yeah, yes, all the lads remember Marlene.
I said to Marlene, if it wasn't for the fact that I was making so much out of Del and the boys, I'd have to do something really drastic - like only having smoked salmon twice a week.
You've got more front than Brighton ain't yer? Listen Boycie, I'm telling you that my luck's changing.
I'm on a wining streak.
Right! No I am, straight up, now listen, alright then, I'll tell you what, here's 20 quid right that says the next customer in buy's a pint of something! You're on! 20 here says the next customer orders a short.
You're pushing your luck a bit, ain't you? No, no, I'm not Rodney, I've just seen the next customer who's coming in past the window.
- Yes, love? - I'll have a dry Martini and a slim line tonic.
It pains me to take it Del, you know it really pains me Well cheers.
Hold it Del.
What are you doing?? Yeah leave him, Del.
I'm not gonna hit him you fool.
Listen I've got a double -headed coin I'm gonna stitch him up, where is he? Boycie.
Here, just a minute, just before you go, I tell you what.
You're a gambling man, that 20 quid I'll toss you for it - double or nothing! - Go on then.
- Right? - Heads.
- What?? Heads.
You know what Del, I hope this winning streak of yours holds out till tonight.
That's it, that is it, I've just done me stake money for tonight's game, ain't I? - Good! - What do you mean 'good'?? Look, you're on the verge of losing everything we've ever worked for in a rotten bloody poker game! What do you expect me to say? 'Good old Del Boy - he knows a short cut to the workhouse!' Alright Rodney, alright, don't worry.
If the worst comes to the worst you know we can always do ourselves in can't we, eh? Me, you and Grandad can go and jump in the River Thames.
Be quicker to drink a drop of it! Looks as though you've already started.
Del, why don't you say to Boycie tonight's off? Say you've caught something! Look, let me explain something to you Rodney.
Look beneath all this finery - there lies - a berk! Now that surprises you, doesn't it! Look, you don't remember the day that Dad left home do you? Course you don't, you was too young.
Well Mum she'd, well, she'd only just, you know, left us, and you were just a little nipper with a pink patch over yer national health specs, you know to help that turn in your eye, Grandad, he was sitting in his armchair waiting for colour television to be invented, anyway I came home that evening and found that Dad had gone, taken all his things and gone.
He, he took everything Rodney.
He took my savings, me three quarter length suede coat, he even opened your little piggy bank The one thing that he didn't get was the money Mum had left me and you that was 'cos I'd hid it too well see, anyway he'd left us with nothing Rodney, not even the price of a meal.
D'you know what that day was? It was my What a lousy b Oi, oi, oi, that' yer father you're talking about! Well I'm sorry Del, but that's how I feel about him! Well it's alright, well, it's understandable, it's understandable But you see, from that day I swore that I would never run away from anything in my life, I mean, you know if a wild lion were to come in here now my old April'd be pouting like a good 'un, but I'd stand me ground.
I would, 'cos it's geezers like me that, that capture German machine gun nests! And that's why I've got to play the game tonight, Rodney, because I can't run away! Running away only wears your shoes out D'you understand me? Yeah, yeah, I understand you Del! And I'll tell you something else, we're gonna beat Boycie tonight! That's the spirit my son, that's it.
We'll take him to the cleaners! Ey, they'll call our place Che Sketchleys by the time we've finished with him.
Right, well I'll see you later, I'm gonna get you some stake money! Where from? Oi, when the chips are down I can be just as sharp as you.
Now, remember that party we had at the flat last month? Yeah there was plenty of booze, right? Not gonna organize a disco are you? Eh no.
I'm gonna take the empties back for you! It's amazing ain't it Trigger.
I've lived with him all these years and I thought I knew him.
You know, and then something like this happens - some simple gesture - and then you suddenly realise what a 100 per cent, 24 carat plonker he really is! - Well? - Well what? Are you going to lend me that money or not? I ain't gonna lend you nothing! If I had a million pounds I wouldn't give you a penny of it.
Come on Grandad, just give me a straight yes or no! Why should I give you money to lose? And don't give me that old fanny about a losing streak.
It's true! Today I put 20 quid on a McAlpines navvy who was on a diet! Now what are the odds on you picking the only genuine weightwatcher in London? What makes you think I've got any money anyhow? I'm an old aged pensioner Del Boy.
'I'm an old-aged pensioner, Del.
' You crafty old sod! You had a 25-1 winner at Kempton Park on Monday.
I know 'cos I gave you the fiver! And Rodney picked up your winnings, 125 quid.
Oh that? Oh yes, oh that! Come on Grandad lend me a hundred! I'll pay you back double! Now be fair, I've always been straight with you haven't I? Remember last month when you said you was feeling the cold in bed, what did I do for you? You brought me an electric blanket.
Give me that hundred and I'll put a plug on it for you.
You pay me back double though! Yeah, don't worry, alright, alright.
'Ere, d'you always wear that money belt? Well it stops me getting a chill on me belly.
That is most probably why your kidney stones didn't show up on that X-ray! - There you go - Thank you Grandad.
And don't lose it! No, alright - alright, I won't.
Trigger and Boycie are here! Alright, alright, keep calm Rodney, keep calm.
Right, now just er, just play it cool, know what I mean? Come on, just er, nice and cool, nice and coolWhat you doing? Alright then Boycie? - Good evening - Come on in.
Get the boys a drink.
You don't see many places like this these days Del Boy.
Oh thanks.
I designed it myself! Yeah I thought as much! As a matter of fact I saw a place rather like this on a television programme recently.
Dallas? No not Dallas - definitely not Dallas.
No, it was a charity appeal - had the wife in tears you know.
Still Marlene's easily touched.
Yeah, as Del said earlier all the lads remember Marlene.
Yeah, it was one of them programmes that Well are we gonna stand here rabbiting all night or are we gonna play cards? No, we're gonna play cards Boycie.
Sit yourself down over there, come on Trigger, That's it.
Right, that' it Rodney, get them beers down.
Five card draw - usual limit yeah? That's alright.
Right good, right, I've got a new pack of cards.
Yes I brought a new deck as well.
Well we'll use mine save opening yours, alright.
- No we'll use mine.
- No, no, let's use mine! - Del's the host! - And I'm the guest! So we'll use mine! Why don't you spin for it? Oh yeah yeah, that's a good idea, Trigger.
Alright with you Boycie? - Yeah, go on then.
- Okay then here you go.
I said 'heads'.
But you called heads in the pub! And I'm calling heads again! We'll use your pack! Is that all you've got Del? Er no, no, no, I've got more than that you know, Rodney's got the rest for me.
Oh, yeah, Del, there's the four pounds and thirty-seven from the empties.
Down to you Trigger.
Too heavy for me Del Boy.
I'm calling it a night.
Looks like it's down to you and me then Del Boy.
Right, your 30, and I'll raise you 30 It's gonna cost you 30 quid to stay in, Del.
I ain't got 30 quid left Boycie.
Well what can I say? Alright, hang about, hang about.
Go on, 30 quid and I'll see you.
I have a running flush.
Four, five, six, seven, eight of hearts.
Jeeze and I've got three tens! Cor, stone me.
Not good enough then, is it Del Boy? Well that seems to be the end of the evening.
Shame, really I was just getting into me stride Well I'll bid you adieu then.
Hang about, Boycie, no, hang about.
I ain't finished yet.
He knows more card tricks than Paul Daniels don't he! D'you reckon he's been switching 'em? Course he's switching 'em! He's done you two up like a couple of kippers.
Del, oy where d'you get that from?? Buzzby sent it down the line didn't he? How come for the last fortnight we've been off Queer Street and suddenly all them notes materialize? This is the money that Mum left you and me.
She said it was only to be used in a life-or-death situation.
Oh, now come on Del, this ain't a life-or-death situation, it's a bloody game of poker! No it isn't Rodney.
This is not a game - this is a duel! Alright Boycie I've got 500 quid here that says that this game ain't over yet.
Nice one, Del Boy, I like yer style.
I tell you what let's make this a bit exciting, shall we? No limit! That suits me Boycie.
That suits me right down to the ground Alright dealer takes one Go on your bid.
A century.
bit ain't yer Boycie? This is a no limit game between me and Del Boy, so keep yer nose out Trigger! Don't worry, don't worry Trig.
He's bluffing, alright here you are, there's your 100 and I'll raise you 100.
Your 100 - and I'll raise you 100.
You're bluffing! Only one way to find out ain't there Del Boy.
Oh he's bluffing - he's definitely bluffing, I can tell by his eyes, he's bluffing.
It's gonna cost you another Trust me Rodney trust me, he's definitely bluffing! I've got him by the short n' curlies! Your 100 - and I'll raise you Oh no, no, no, no, Del Boy that's your 200 - and I'll raise you a grand! Knock him out, Del.
It's gonna cost you a thousand notes to see my cards Del.
I'm skint Boycie! Well you shouldn't play big boys' games then should you? Oh play the game son.
That's the money their mum left 'em.
That's all they've got! Well, Del, do something or get off the pot.
Yeah, yeah, alright.
All my jewellery, right and Trigger! I'm boracic mate.
RoForget it you.
Here are you can have me car.
Cheers Trigger you're a real pal.
Right, so that's my jewellery right and Trigger's car - it's a good 'un! You must be joking, I sold it to him! Right you'll get your money back won't you, so that's my jewellery, Trigger's car, the stereo and the tellies! It still doesn't come to a thousand Del.
Alright, alright, tell you what I'll do, it's my jewellery, Trigger's car, the stereo, the tellies and everything in the flat, the cooker, the fridge, the deep-freeze, the beds, and wardrobes, our clothes Now what's our bloody game Del? It's alright, trust me Rodney, he's bluffing.
Have faith in me.
Alright Del Boy, seeing as we are friends, I'll accept all of that as a bid of a thousand pounds.
What have you got? I've got Kings.
How many? Un - deux - trois - quatre.
Four!! I didn't know you were good at Maths Del.
I thought you were bluffing! Oh no, no, no, no, no, Del Boy.
Not on your Nelly.
- I thought he was bluffing! - You berk! - What did you have Del? - Two pairs.
Two pairs? You went all that way on two rotten pairs? I thought he was bluffing? Well he was bloody well wasn't was he? Couldn't give us a lift home could you Dave? Yeah, I could as it goes, I'll drop you of on our ay to the river.
Well Del I'll send the boys round in the morning for the stuff.
It really pains me Del, it really does pain me.
What are you doing? What d'you mean what am I doing, I'm picking up the winnings Del, that's what I'm doing! Oh, no me old mate,not on your Nelly! You know the rules of the game.
All cards must be shown before the winnings are collected.
Leave it out will you Del, you've only got two pairs.
No, no, Trigger.
It's alright, let Del have his little moment, come on Del let's see your two pairs.
I've got one pair of aces.
And I've got another pair of aces.
That's four aces!! I didn't know that you were good at Maths either Boycie.
Four aces! I ain't never seen it before! Four aces! Four bloody aces! Grandad! Sorry! He's got four aces, SEE! I thought Del Boy might have something up his sleeve! Oh look at all that lovely money! - I told you I could do it, didn't I, eh? - Well done.
Oi Rodney now careful what is your game? - Well done Del.
- Thanks.
Nicely played.
Where d'you get those our bloody aces from? Same place you got them Kings! I knew you were cheating Boycie.
Oh yeah, how? 'Cos that wasn't the hand I dealt you! - Del, let's take him again.
- No, no I don't want to push my luck.
Oh come on you're on a winning streak! Eh yeah you're right.
Oi Boycie.
Hang about, hang about, listen I always like to see a man get a chance to get some of his money back.
Right, tell you what I'm going to do, look, there's 200 quid.
I'll spin you for 200 quid.
No way.
I've beaten you on the spin twice.
By the law of averages you've got to win this time.
I'll be fair.
Rodney can call for me.
Yeah, yeah, I'll call.
Call Rodney.
- Tails.