Only Fools and Horses (1981) s02e04 Episode Script

No Greater Love...

But I don't like camel-hair Del! This is not camel-hair, it's genuine polyester! There you are.
That's it.
Go and have a look in the mirror.
It's 'ansome innit, eh? What d'you mean 'ansome? Look, it's miles too big for me! Of course it's not, that's the fashion innit? Well how come yours looks like it's made to measure then? Oh, this one.
Yeah, it's a bit small for me.
I saved you the best one Rodney! Del, it's horrible! Well you could at least wear it for a while, see if you get used to it.
I mean, it is a gift Rodney, it is a gift.
Hey you're right, Del.
Once you've had it on yer for a while it really grows on you don't it! D'you like it then? Like it? I love it.
I think it's really, really smart you know.
Cheers! I'm glad you like it.
That's a score you owe me.
A score? You said it was a gift! Well it is a gift at 20 nicker.
Cost you a 180 up Bond Street! Yeah but Alright, don't worry about the money Rodders, I'll take it out yer wages! Well you said you liked it! Yeah I know, butyeah yeah, cheers Del That's alright Rodney.
That's what brothers are forNow listen, I want you to pop down and see that Mrs Singh.
'Cos according to the book she had a dinner service and two Persian rugs off us last month and she ain't paid a penny off 'em since! Right.
Right.
Oh, and while you're at it.
See if you can get her interested in any of this gear.
Del, Mrs Singh's a Hindu! Hindus do not go about in peek -a-boo bras and nifty knickers! What are you, some kind of Swami or something? You don't know what goes on under them saris! Go on, I'll see you later.
Excuse me, sorry, can you tell me if Mrs Singh's in at all? Mrs Singh don't live here any more! She moved away, about three weeks ago.
I've taken her flat.
Great! Did she say where she was moving to! Bangladesh! Oh good, for a moment I thought we'd lost her! Can I do anything for you? No, no, not really.
It's just that Mrs Singh bought a few items off us and she's supposed to be paying for them on the weekly.
I see.
What are you, a tally-man? No, no, no, I'm not a tallyman.
It's just that every so often I manage to get me hand on a few'bargains' you know.
Really, what are you selling today? Women's clothing.
You know skirts, blouses, underer, lingerie, that sort of thing.
Bring them inside.
I might be interested.
Yeah alright.
Are you coming in or not? Yeah okay Bloody hell, he's a big bloke! Sorry, I can't hear you! Er, no, nothing! Well what do you think? Triffic! You don't think this split's too revealing do you? No! No, that's just right! Hey, I can't quite reach the zip.
Could you give us a hand.
Er, what time does your husband get home? He doesn't.
My husband's away! Oh! Ooh, ain't you 'alf got a strong grip! It's all that free school milk they keep giving us! So you're on your own then? No! Oh! There's my son Marcus.
Oh right, what is he asleep in the bedroom? No he's down the snooker hall! He's 16 I hope you don't mind me asking, but have you been ill recently - or lost a lot of weight? Oh this? No, no you know, it's the fashion.
Is it really? Well I'm so out of touch.
I seem to spend every hour of the day in this flat.
What you don't know many people round this area then? No.
I only moved here a month ago.
I come from East London you see.
It must get pretty gutty being in on your own of an evening? Hmm, specially for someone who's used to going out and enjoying herself all the time.
Are there any nice places around here? Na! Oh there's a dinner 'n' dance place over Streatham way, that's supposed to be really good.
I was thinking of giving it a try Saturday night.
Oh I hope you and your girlfriend enjoy yourselves.
Oh, I haven't got a girlfriend! Well, what I mean to say is I haven't got a regular one! Oh hundreds of casuals I bet! Yeah, all over the place! The thing is, they're all busy Saturday night! So um, you know I - I was wondering whether you'd um, you know, if you're not too busy, perhaps you'd like – I expect you are - but if you're not – would you like to come with me? Thank you very much, it's just that Oh, no, no, it's okay, you've made other arrangements, I understand! No, I haven't made other arrangements! You're washing your hair! No! You're mending your bike? No I did that last Tuesday.
So what is it? Well, how old are you? Well I'm not a kid if that's what you mean! I'm 23 and a half! That's what I mean! You're 23 and a half, and I'm older than you! So? Well doesn't it bother you? No! Does it bother you? Wellno! So where's the problem? There isn't one! Thank you very much for the invitation, I'd love to go out with you! See you Saturday night.
Right at 8.
30, I'll pick you up in the vain a mini cab! There's just one thing! You'd better tell me your name, it's gonna get a bit embarrassing if I keep having to call you thingy all night.
Sorry.
Yeah, Rodney.
Irene.
No - Rodney.
Oh sorry, sorry, pleased to meet you Irene.
Oh yeah.
Well I'd better get me suit down the cleaners then.
Rodney.
You sure you don't mind? People might stare.
Let them stare! That sort of thing don't bother me Irene.
I went out with a Chinese girl once! Of course I missed you today.
Yeah, I missed you yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that, yeah.
Come on you know I'm thinking about you all the time! Are you? Really? Aah! Yeah? I mean, yeah? Can I dip my bread in your egg? Help yourself.
Thanks very much.
No, no that's my brother.
Oh, yeah, yeah, okay, I'll see you soon, of course I do! I can't.
There's people here! Yeah alright.
Okay.
Se you.
Bye.
Who was that Rodney? Eh? Oh, er, Mickey Pearce.
Mickey Pearce? Del, I want your advice.
I've got a bit of a problem.
I don't wanna know, I don't wanna know.
I'd rather die in ignorance! There's never been anything like that in our family.
Hey hang about Mickey Pearce is on holiday in France ain't he? Oh yeah! Well it wasn't him actually, it was a girl.
Don't you ever do that to me again Rodney.
I'll be up all night with heartburn So you've got a bird have you? Ah, well, that explains it! Explains what? It explains why you've been lolloping about so much for the last week or so! You wanna pull your socks up my son, it's beginning to affect business! How can it affect business? I'll tell you shall I? Look a tart in here called - Irene Macky right – she's had 17 quid's worth of clothes off you.
And you're letting her pay you back at 25 pence a week right.
That means you've got to go round there every week for a year! Yeah, I know.
Oh I geddit, Rodney's got a mystery! Irene's not a mystery! We've just been seeing a lot of each other and well, we've become quite close! Promise me you won't laugh? No of course I won't! I think I'm in love.
Oh, do us a favour Rodney.
Only a month ago you was in love with that skinny bird from the dry-cleaners.
Now along comes another little girl and you're away again! Marguerite from the dry cleaners was just an infatuation! This is the real thing! And Irene is not a little girl - she happens to be a woman! Oh a woman, eh? He's fell in love with someone who's got the vote this time! How old is she, 20? No.
She's about - 30.
What d'you mean about 30? How old is he exactly? You're not being serious are you? Well what's wrong with going out with a woman of 40? Nothing, nothing at all, if you happen to be 50! Blimey she's even too old for me! Well I'd have to think twice! Shut up Grandad.
No, he's right Rodney, he's right.
I mean, when she was drinking frothy coffee with some Ted up the Lyceum, you were struggling to keep your gripe water down! Oh no, bruv, this is one problem you're gonna have to solve on your own! That's not the problem! What, something else is it? Yeah.
Her husband! She's not married n' all is she? Oh no he don't live with her.
He's away.
Where? Parkhurst.
I don't believe you! I don't believe you! You're not going case-o with the wife of a convict are you? You don't 'alf jump to conclusions don't you, I mean just 'cos he’s in Parkhurst don't automatically mean he's a convict! I mean he could be a warder, or even a governor! - And is he? - Is he what? Well a warder or the governor? Well, no, he's a convict - but you weren't sure, were you? What's he in there for Rodney? Er, you know, this and that.
Yeah come on, like what? Well like wounding with intent, GBH and attempted murder.
He's got a little bit of a temper has he? Well this is why Irene's had such an unhappy life with him.
He used to beat her up Del! She's moved over this way from the East End to get away from him.
Hang on a minute, hang on a minute.
What d'you mean get away from him? He's on the Isle of bloody Wight Rodney! Yeah, I know that, but he's being released soon! That's the problem.
Look, when he comes out do you think I should go and see him, and tell him about me and Irene, man to man? Well, let me put it this way.
You know one day if you're really fed up with having knees in the middle of your legs, you know, you go and see him.
On the other hand, if you've grown quite attached to them, emigrate to Vietnam - you stupid little plonker Rodney.
What do you think this is, Jackanory? This bloke's a killer! Well he only got done for attempted murder! Oh did he? Well, maybe that was just a bit of practice, eh? His first big success is going to come with Rodney.
You're just like the rest of modern society, aren't you - frightened! What me, frightened of them nutters there in the shadows? Yes, oh yeah, they frighten me Rodney! Yeah, well, I've got a life to live right and I'm not going to have some mindless little thug like her old man, Tommy Mackay, telling me what I can do and what I can't do! It's one battle I'm gonna have to win ain't it! Alright, alright.
Go on, you go and do that then Popeye.
What are you gonna do? Carry a couple of tins of spinach round with you? Listen, you wanted my advice right - well here it is.
Steer clear of Irene Mackay otherwise sleep with one eye open alright? Yeah, well, I'll think about it Del.
I'll see you both later, I'm going round Irene's! Yeah, go on then - go on.
You go round there.
Off you go - on your bike.
I wouldn't bother to put that on 'cos when we come to pay our last respects to you, you'll be wearing a concrete overcoat.
You'll be helping to support a flyover on the M26! What are you gonna do Del Boy? Nothing! I mean you know what he's like with the birds don't you, falls in and out of love more times than Starsky and Hutch.
Anyway, they always give him the elbow after a fortnight.
But in case she don't? I'm gonna put his name down for BUPA! Good morning my little pot pouri.
Good morning.
Giss a Tia Maria and a pineapple juice and, 'alf a lager for lover boy will you.
He's on scotch and that's his fourth! Is it? Alright give him one more and that's his lot! Right.
Alright Rodders? I knocked out all of them Georgian digital clocks.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Triffic! Leave that there, right.
Don't sit on it.
What's the matter with you? Nuffing! Now come on, don't give us that.
What's the matter now? It's Irene! Oh don't tell me.
They've turned down her free bus pass? She's finished with me! Oh! Oh well, all's well that ends well I suppose.
What d'you mean 'all's well that ends well'? It hasn't ended well for me has it! Oh now, come on Rodney.
Come on you've had a good time, ain't yer - you know, a few drinks, bit of the old Humpty Dumpty and now it's finished ain't it, eh? You're a pig ain't yer? That is the pinnacle of your aesthetic appreciation innit - a few drinks and a bit of Humpty Dumpty! YeahNo I was just trying to put it into perspective that's all.
I mean, you didn't honestly think that anything was gonna come of it did you? I loved her Del! Now come on Rodney, believe me bruv, it's all for the best in the end.
I mean I know exactly what would have happened.
You know, one day you'd have gone down that roller disco and met some blinding 18-year-old sort who'd have knocked your eyes out.
And she would have fell head over heels for you, wouldn’t she? Well Yeah and then you'd have had to go and break the news to Irene! How do you think a 40- year-old woman would feel, knowing that she's lost in love to a younger woman? She wouldn't be just losing any man.
She'd be losing you! I've never thought of it like that.
That scar would never heal! No! Oh poor chick! Exactly! It's che sara, sara as the French say.
Anyway, her old man was released yesterday, so it's saved you from all that didn’t it.
Yeah! You're right.
Look I'm sorry if I've bin a bit of a pain lately.
No, of course you ain't, no! Oh do leave off! Look at me - I've been acting like a right wally! Oi, now I don't want you talking like that Rodney! Emotions that you've been experiencing are the things that separate you from well from those morons.
No it's alright.
It just shows that you're a human being, in the fullest sense of the word.
You proves you've got a heart Rodney, and them feelings deserve respect and dignity.
Don't feel ashamed of them - you feel proud of them.
- Yeah! - That's it.
Cheers Del.
It's alright.
I'll get our drinks, eh? What's up with him? Oh some old tart's given him the sack – you know what he's like don't yer? Here you are.
If you're looking for answers you won't find any in the bottom of a glass! No, I just fancied a drink that's all! That's alright, that's alright - just you know, you just lay off the bottle.
Alright? - Right cheers then anyway.
- Cheers.
Good luck.
- Hello Rodney.
- Oh hello Marcus.
This is Irene's son.
This is my brother.
Alright Del! Yeah - hello son.
Smart looking kid ain't he, eh? I reckon he can pick up BBC2 on that hair.
BBC2 on his hair What's the matter with you now? Ah, no, nothing, but how did you know Irene's husband was released yesterday? Ah well you - you must have said! Did I? But I didn't know! You must have said I mean - how else would I have known? Yeah, I s'pose I must have! 'ere well, come on, come on, let's get going.
Drink up, eh, see if we can do a bit this afternoon.
Yeah, alright, how did Marcus know your name? You introduced us didn't you, eh? No I just said you was my brother, I didn't say your name! Well, he must have heard it before somewhere mustn't he? He's never met you before! Well it must have been me 'D' look.
I'm wearing a big 'D' ain't I, it's obvious me name's Del innit? No, that could stand for David, Daniel, Douglas.
He's wearing one of your coats.
I know that - I know that, we're all wearing them ain't we, eh? Look it's the fashion, ain't it eh? Come on - come on let's go! Oi Marcus! How did you know his name? I met him on Thursday when he took Mum out for a drink! You took Irene out? Now look Rodney, it's not what you think.
I just wanted to talk to her about you.
Me? What did you tell her about me? I didn't tell her anything about you.
I was - I just - I just told her a few home truths, that's all.
I just - I just said, you know, if she thought anything of you, she ought to leave you alone! Thanks Del! Where would I be without you, eh? Happy maybe! Now come here Rodney.
Now Rodney, just a minute.
Look, I did it for you.
I mean, what do you wanna do - end up dead? No! But it's nice to have a choice innit.
One of these days Del - just one of these days! Rodney, come - Rodney, I did it for you.
That's the thanks I get! Oh yes, it was made for Ahmed my son.
It's too big man! No, no, no, it isn't.
No, that is the fashion.
Let's have a look at the back.
Oh that's beautiful that is.
Yours isn't too big! Ah but - this is small on me! Anyway, I reserved the best one for you Ahmed my son.
Now come on at 25 nicker you can't go wrong, can you, eh? Alright man, I'll take it.
That's it.
You know it makes sense! Now, d'you want to pay now or do you want it on the old I'll pay you two pounds a week Del.
- Alright.
I'll see you next week.
- Alright.
You won't catch cold in that.
Oi, what's your game! Take it easy man, you might hurt yourself! There's someone here who's been dying to meet you.
Oh yeah - who's that then? Me! Mackays the name.
Tommy Mackay.
Ring a bell does it? Yeah, I think I've heard of it before.
You bet you're life you've heard it before sunshine! You've been seen out with my wife Trotter! Guilty or not guilty? Oh no, it was jut only a friendly dink! But I'm not a friendly geezer.
And that kind of thing makes me very 'angry'! I'm gonna teach you a lesson you'll remember for the ret of your life, Rodney my old son! Now listen, listen now, let's not be hasty, er? Rodney? Did you say Rodney? Yeah that's right, Rodney Trotter, that's you innit? Yeah, yeah, I'm Rodney Trotter yeah.
Good! Okay Leroy give him some air.
Now look what you've made me do! That was a brand-new coat that was.
Rodders.
Guess what I've done for you Rodders? Well if it's another example of your so-called brotherly love, you just forget it, right.
As far as I'm concerned Del you're no longer my What the bloody hell's happened to you? It's alright.
It's alright.
No, it's just - you know, I just walked into a door.
It did all that? Yeah, it was a revolving door! Listen, listen to this.
I had a bit of luck tonight.
I bumped into Tommy Mackay.
That was lucky weren't it, eh? Did he do that Del? No, no - he didn't do it, no - no - no, it's just that I had - you know – I had one too many like, and I fell down the stairs at Monkey Harris's house.
He lives in a bungalow.
Yeah, well, he's moved now ain't he, eh - he's moved.
Just shut up and listen will you.
Well I had a chat with Tommy Mackay, tonight you see and, um, I managed to do what all the psychiatrists and social workers have failed to do! I've rehabilitated him.
He's seen the error of his ways.
You know, he'll give you no more problems.
I've left the path clear for you and Irene! Me and Irene? Oh that's all over Del! What? Well we both had a long chat about it, and then we decided it was never gonna work.
It will - it will work.
I've got a box of Black Magic in the back of the van, I've only had one of it.
Go on, whip - go on whip it round to her now.
Go on.
No, it’s no good Del! I mean, it was just circumstances that threw us together weren't it? She was lonely in a strange part of town, and well I was just looking for a mother- figure I suppose, anyway you was right Del.
No, no, no, no, I wasn't - I wasn't.
I don't mean about me and Irene! Well what d'you mean then? Well, this afternoon I went down the roller-disco and I met this bird, Zoe.
look a cert for plastic surgery! Irene was just infatuation, but this is love! Oi, here she is now.
Alright babe? This is Zoe.
This is my brother, he fell down some stairs.
Nice to meet you.
Are we going then? Yeah, yeah, right I'll see yer later on Del.
Alright? You can finish that if you want it.
Yeah! See yer RoddersSee yer Zoe.
Oi Del! I'd have that head looked at if I was you! It's the truest bloody words you've spoke for ages Rodney! What happened to you? Me? No, no, nothing happened to me.
Rodney got a bloody good hiding though.