Only Fools and Horses (1981) s02e05 Episode Script

The Yellow Peril

So we have a deal then Mr Chin? Yes, we have a deal.
Good.
Do you take Barclaycard? Do you? No, call me old fashioned or sentimental if you like, but I'm a readies man meself – cash in hand that's my motto! Anyway, we'll see you first thing in the morning right, about 11 o' clock.
Can't you do it today? Oh, no, no, no, sorry I can't do it today Mr Chin.
You see, today is a very special day.
Today is the anniversary of my late mother's passing from this immortal curl.
And by tradition my brother and me, we always spend the day with her in the cemetery, tending the grave, that sort of thing.
Anyway, I must rush, gotta buy some flowers.
Yes - I'm very sorry! Oh, it's no sweat, I get them cheap of a geezer in the market! Sayonara.
Cheerio.
There you go Mums'cuse the feet.
It's the bestest grave in the entire cemetery Rodney.
Yeah, it's mustard.
Yeah, I mean look at the others – thy all look like monuments to the unknown gypo While the others fall and crumble into dust this will stand forever.
And do you know why? 'Cos it's the only one in the entire cemetery made of fiberglass.
Del, it's the only one in the entire cemetery that required planning permission! That's right It's looking a bit tatty nowadays.
I don't know, it's not too bad.
It's bound to be a bit iffy innit, after 17 years? I mean, so would you after standing there for 17 years of pigeons and diesel fumes and other mourners stubbing their cigarette ends out on you.
I dunno, maybe you could be right.
It could do with brightening up a bit.
If I added some fiberglass models, of say, an apostle and four cherubims with trumpets, do you think it would alter the effect? If you added fiberglass models of Snow White and the seven dwarfs you couldn't alter the effect of that! Oi, oi, oi, don't start getting sacrificial! I don't know what's the matter with you Rodney, really I don't.
You seem to have no sense of occasion.
You've no tres bien ensembles, as the French say.
I mean look at you now, loafing about round your mother's graveside.
Don't you feel any emotion? Now look Del, I didn't know Mum that well, did I? When she died I was just a little nipperoni, all odd socks and eczema! Now you feel a sense of personal loss – me, I just feel cheated.
I'm sorry Rodney.
I should have realized Our Mum was a wonderful woman She had long golden blonde hairsometimes.
You could see her sitting at the bar in the Nag's Head with her simulated beaver skin - with her rum and pep in one hand, She looked like a lady - lots of people mistook her for a money lender.
Really? Straight up.
Oh yes, course I was much younger then and didn't have much money, but every night she used to send across two or three pints of light bitter, or whiskey if she was flush.
That was Mum Then come about ten o' clock she'd look over where I was sitting and she'd shout 'Come on Del Boy, get off home to bed - school in the morning!' That was the kind of woman she was Rodney, concerned about our welfare.
Where was I then? - Outside in the pram eating an arrowroot.
- Wasn't she worried? No, it was only an old pram No, it's alright, I'm pulling your leg.
Course she was worried.
No.
I like it here though, don't you Rodney.
Nice and quiet, away from the crowds and the noise and the traffic.
- It really is.
It's so quiet.
- Yeah.
Tranquil.
You're decorating the kitchen of a Chinese take-away tomorrow.
The birds are singing and the sun is shining.
What did you just say? That the sun is shining and the birds are singing.
No I mean before that.
Everythin's quiet and tranquil! No Del, in between it being quiet and tranquil and the sun shining and the birds singing you mentioned something bout a Chinese take-away.
Chinese taOh, the Chinese take-away.
Well the owner's, see, in dead schtuck.
He's got the health inspectors coming round and he's got to have his kitchen, you know, painted, you know, brightened up a bit.
So why have I got to paint it? Well you're the one that's got the GCE in Art.
It's a good earner this is Rodney.
- I'm charging him 150 nicker.
- I don't care.
Oh come on, I've given him your word now.
Look, I am not painting the kitchen of some grotty Chinese take-away.
Alright? Alright, if that's the way you want itYeah, I remember what Mum said to me on her deathbed.
She called me over to her side and she said 'Del BoyDel Boy.
Stuttered did she? Sorry DelNo, really, I'm sorry.
I don't know why I said itSorry.
'Look after Rodney for me Del Boy' she said, 'Share everything you've got with him, try to make him feel normal' And that's what I have done.
Half of everything I've got I mean, fair enough, I've got nothing, but half of it's yours! You'd give me half of everything! You'd nick the hole out of me last polo if I didn't keep my mouth shut.
That hurts RodneyThat hurts.
If I had any kind of wealth I'd give half of it to you like a shot.
Yeah? Say you had two Rolls Royces? Well I'd give one to you wouldn't I.
You'd give me one of your Rolls Royces? Yeah, course I would.
If it was weather like this, I'd give you the one with the sunshine roof.
If you had two million pounds what would you do? - I'd give you a million wouldn't I.
- Really? In cash.
What would you do if you had two of them deep sea diver's watches? Now you know I've got two of them deep sea diver's watchesDon't take bloody liberties with me Rodney! Yeah, that's the real Del coming out! Alright, you can have one of me deep sea diver's watches.
Alright? No, no, I've got to draw the line somewhere.
I'm fed up with you and your bribery and your emotional blackmail every time you want me to do the dirty work! It's point of principle now Del, you'd better get this straight, I am not painting that kitchen tomorrow, I'm not painting that kitchen in 1,000 years – no way my son!! I'll give you a lend of me dirty books.
Yeah, alright then.
Oi, Rodney, put that on the meter will you.
Right, come on, what's that look for? You can't expect me to paint with me feet Del Boy.
I don't expect you to paint with your feet.
All I expect you to do is sweep up, mix up and hold the ladder for Rembrandt here, alright.
Oi, don't let him outWell that's going to please Mr Chin innit? - Was it his pet? - No but number 39's off the menu.
D'you reckon them rumours about these places are true then? No, of course not.
Well, that cat looked pretty alarmed about something.
Here we are, nice little kitchen innit? Nice little kitchen? This is the pits Del Boy.
This is the bloody pits.
The whole place looks like an explosion in a dripping factory.
This is a working kitchen Rodney.
You've got to expect a little bit of fat to spill out of the pan every now and then.
So what period are we going to decorate it in Del? Early bubonic perhaps? Yes, if you like, look, don't worry about it, you've had all your inoculations haven't you? Come on.
Is this the kitchen? No, this is the master bedroom, the kitchen's upstairs in the bathroom you wally.
Now, listen you two, you should be out of here in a couple of days if you don't do anything stupid like stopping for lunch.
Oi, Rodney, come here, down here, look at this.
This is yer paint - right, there's yer walls, there's yer ceiling - and now I'll leave it all up to you Michelangelo.
Oh yeah, and just what am I supposed to do with them soppy little tins - look I can't even dip me brush in 'em.
He can't even get his brush in 'em.
He can't even work that little problem out.
Tell him how to do it Grandad.
Get a pair of scissors and trim your brush.
You don't get a pair of scissors and trim yer brush up.
Look what you do is get yer little tins open them up and you put them into your big tin.
Oh yeah I'd thought of doing that already They've got no labels on them, we don't even know what colour they are.
I know, the owner bought them cheap, he got well taken on, it's a load of rubbish.
You can say that again.
Where'd he get 'em from? Me.
You? Is this nicked Del? I'm not doing it if they're nicked! It's not nicked.
It's bankrupt stock.
I bought a couple of gross as a job-lot.
Trust me, will you, trust me.
- Good morning.
- Ah, good morning Mr Chin Well my men are here as promised – they are the best in the business.
The creme da lamenthe of the painting and decorating world.
Good.
You are the painter? No, no, no, he's the painter.
I'm his apprentice.
No, they're the best, the very best.
Don't worry about it Mr Chin - in fact, chin up.
Have you decided what colour the walls will be? Colour Yes, I mean, you don't leave an important decision like that until the last minute.
- Get that lid off.
- I'm trying.
Well, Mr Chin, the colour that I thought of - now you may not agree with me, but somehow I think you will.
What I thought, and you can shoot me down in flames on this one if you likegot it off yet? - No.
-I thought the coulour of these walls should be - Blue.
- What? - I like blue! Blue, oh blue, Jeux Sans Frontieres, that's exactly what I thought of.
I thought, why don't we paint these walls a nice subtle shade of blue.
- What shade of blue? - Yellow.
And then I changed my mind.
I thought no not blue What I thought we do, is we would pain them gold.
That is yellow.
This is gold Rodney, what's the matter with you, are you illiterate or something? I remembered the name of your beautiful restaurant 'Gold for the Golden Locust'.
Well Mr Trotter, I'll leave it to you.
As long as my kitchen is painted and cleaned up before the health inspector call.
Alright? Fine.
Sorry, how do you know the health inspector's calling? I didn't think they warned you or nothing! Oh I had a telephone call from a man, he did not give his name, but he tell me, 'Get you kitchen painted or you be in big trouble.
John.
' John? John, yeah - John.
John, you know, John, it's the expression, cockney expression.
Alright John and all that.
Somebody up there must like him, eh? I wonder who that anonymous call could have been Del? Well, I don't know.
Don't think we're ever going to find that one out are we Rodney, eh? Well, come on now, we must now say chow mein and let our men get on with their work.
Eh, Mr Chin? D'you think this anonymous person is likely to ring up any other Chinese Restaurants and tell 'em to get their kitchens painted? Well I had to do something, didn't I? Otherwise we would have been lumbered with all this paint.
Right, now listen.
I'm going to take these boxes with me, right, so Rodney you'll have to water that lot down a bit, you don't want it too thick do you 'cause the plaster's none too kosher.
Just remember, a little dab'll do you, right, a little dab'll do you! Here, what about all this grease and filth Del Boy.
You arranged for anyone to clean it up? Of course I have, what do you think I am a cowboy or something? There's a tin of Ajax and a rubber glove in that bucket - go easy on the Ajax.
See yer! He's not in.
P'rhaps he's gone out! Oh yeah, I never thought of that.
You daft old of course he's gone out, the question is where? This is the second day on the trot that Del's done a complete disappearing act, but when I ask him where he's gone, he always acts sort of evasive.
I thought he told you to mind your own bloody business.
Yeah, that's what I mean, evasive.
You know what, I reckon that while I have been imprisoned in that Chinese take-away, he's been out wheeling and dealing on the quiet - making a few bob and cutting us out Oh you're in.
You can't pull the wool over this boy's eyes can you, eh Grandad? Yes I am in Rodney Seven out of ten for observation.
.
Did you finish that job? Yeah, about half an hour back.
Good, give us the money then, give us the mazoola.
Thank you.
One hundred and fifty pounds - spot on.
Well done.
We phoned you to come and pick us up but you weren't in.
- What have you been up to Del? - Oh bits and pieces.
- Where have you been? - There and back.
- So what you been doing? - This and that.
Long as I know.
I thought you'd winkle it out of him in the end.
Listen Rodney I been doing somethingprivate Alright so let's just leave it at that.
Okay? I think the best thing to do with this money is to split it three way.
- Here you are Grandad - that's 35 for you.
- Oh cheers Del Boy.
- 40 for you Rodney.
- 40! Yeah, well, you're the craftsman aren't you? - You get the most 'cos you're experienced.
- Yeah but over there you said Hang about, hang about.
And you also get your diver's watch.
There you are.
Hello, somebody at the front door.
Grandad go and see who that is will you.
Oh, my legs are older than yours.
I know, that means they've had more experience haven't they? - D'you like it then? - Yeah, cheers.
Good.
Oh, the bloke said don't get it in the water.
Don't get it in the water? But it's a deep sea diver's watch.
I know that, but it doesn't mean to say you've got to go deep sea diving in it does it? I mean, I've got a pair of them desert boots but you don't catch me in the Sahara.
Look, it tells you how deep you are and everything.
It's Trigger for you, Del.
- Oh yeah, hello Trig.
- Alright Del Boy? Hello Dave.
- What's up with you then Trig? - I got some more of that paint, interested? Oh yeah.
Yeah, I'll have some of that.
Yeah, what is it - same price or lower? Same.
Oi Rodney, don't bang that watch, it ain't shock proof.
I won't be getting any more of this for a while.
I'm laying low for a spell, we almost got caught the other night.
What do you mean almost got caught? Yeah, by the railway police.
See me and Monkey Harris get this paint from a storage shed down in Clapham Junction.
You swore to me it wasn't nicked! Bankrupt stock you said! British Rail, same thing innit? Knocked off railway paint, eh? Well I bet Mr Chin's going to be well pleased when he finds he's had his whole kitchen done out in Inter-City yellow.
I prefer to call it Awayday Gold.
I wondered where I'd seen that colour before.
All day long I was whistling 'This is the Age of the Train' and I couldn't think why.
No, this ain't the stuff they paint trains with.
They use this for painting signs in tunnels.
It doesn't matter what they use it for Trig, it's still knocked off - and it's still illegal.
Yeah, but it's good for the country though Rodney, innit? Come on Del, how can knicking off British Rail be good for Britain? He amazes me you know Trig, he's got a GCE in Maths, and he still acts like a total wally-brain.
I'll tell you why this is good for the country, shall I Rodney? 'Cos British Rail have to hire more security guards to protect this paint thus lowering the unemployment figures plus, their insurance company will need more people to handle British Rail claims that means redundant insurance clerks will be snatched from the dole queues and handed back their dignity.
Right? Now these people may very well celebrate their good fortune by buying a car and taking their wife and kids on a touring holiday round Britain.
This will result in a much needed boost to our ailing car industry, higher revenue for North Sea Oil and a vital cash injection into seaside resorts and depressed areas.
On the other hand.
they may decide to take a holiday abroad, right, thus forcing foreign hoteliers, restaurateurs and bar owners to buy more British beer, food and goods.
This will result in higher export drive which, in turn, will be very good for our balance of payments surplus! Soon this country will be rich and famous again - the starving shall be fed - the homeless will be homed.
This watch is broke! This watch is not broke, it's just that you don't know how to work it properly.
Look, see it tells you the time in all the major capital cities of the world.
Yeah look, everyone except London.
Look all I can tell by this is that it's nearly chucking out time in Peking and I'm low on oxygen.
What do you want for nothing? Jam on it? - Tunnels.
- What did you say? No, he said that.
Trigger said tunnels! He said they use that stuff to paint signs in tunnels.
Well how can you see a sign in a tunnel? It's pitch black innit? Na - this is luminous paint.
It's luminous paint Grandad, that means you see it in the darkLuminous? Bloody luminous?? I thought you knew Del Boy.
What do you mean you thought I knew, you didn't tell me.
What do you think I am, a physic or something? D'you still want this box of paint? Want it? No I don't want it - you can stick it up I'm not in Grandad.
HelloOh hello Mr Chin.
No, no Del's gone outI'm not sure.
Where you gone to Del? Give it to me you stupid old git.
Now sit down before I knock you down.
Hello Mr Chin.
How are you? Don't you 'Hello Mr Chin' me.
What have you done to my walls?? Glowing are they? Now listen tell 'em not to be frightened 'cos this is a new energy saving paint.
Yes, it's designed to cut down on the old electricity billsI get it from a contact iner Stockholm.
Yes - Stockholm.
Stockholm?! 'Cos, you see, the Norwegians they lead the world in paint technologyYes Yes, I understand, I'll be round to see you first thing in the morning! Does he want his money back? No, he wants you to go round tomorrow and do his living room out in it I'll have that other box of paint off you Oh my God! Something wrong Del? Oh what have I done? It's all your fault.
It's your fault, you and your stupid paint.
Oi, what have you done? Now, listen Rodney.
Listen, you've got to understand right.
That I did it in good faith.
Did what in good faith? I'll show you.
Come on you better get your coats.
Del, what you brought us here for? Wait a minute.
Take a look at that.
Oh my good Gawd.
Is this where you've been for the past couple of days, painting Mum's monument?? It was her favourite colour and we both agreed it needed brightening up.
Brightening?? That's more like a rocket launch! Well I didn't know it was going to be luminous did I? D'you realise our mum's grave is now going to become a beacon for every Satanist and acid-head in England.
There's going to be white witches dancing round that on a full Moon – there's going to be chicken blood everywhere! What worries me is it's on the main flight path to Heathrow! I wish you two could see yourselves.
There's Mum and her monument - she's fast asleep - the third coat hardly dry and already you're quivering in your shoes! Well, I'll tell you this much, I don't regret that I did it.
I will not bow my head to any snotty-nosed town hall clerks at their narrowminded rules.
I shall look them straight in the face and I'll say 'I am the man responsible – and I'm proud of it'.
We'll put it down to vandals - let's get out of here before we get our collars felt.