Only Fools and Horses (1981) s03e02 Episode Script

Healthy Competition

No, they're beautiful ain't they? They're beautiful.
And listen, I don't care whether your nipper has got measles, mumps or a scabby eye, because these are guaranteed to bring a smile right back on his face.
Now listen, gather round everybody.
Listen to me, now listen ladies, I want to tell you something, please don't let it go any further because I'm afraid I might be in breach of the Official Secrets Act.
Right.
I happen to know that little Prince William has one of these little fluffy toys in his nursery in Buck House; now I'll tell you how I know, shall I? Because his dad gave me a bell last week and he said 'Del Boy - Del Boy,' he said, 'I'm in right lumber, the enemy's doing her pieces because I've forgotten Spud's Birthday.
' Now Spud happens to be the nickname for the little Prince William.
So what do I do? I walloped straight round there with one of these.
And it was end of aggravation, end of story.
Now they come complete with batteries, they're fully house trained.
Whoops.
That one isn't, never mind.
They are not made in Taiwan and these are not made in Hon Kong.
These are 'Made in Burma'.
What can't speak, can't lie Now, I'm not going to mess about with coppers, now that's a Freudian slip, so I'm not asking for 14 quid, I'm not gonna ask for ten quid.
Who'll give me six quid for this little yap.
If these were fluffy little chickens you'd be saying 'Good Heavens, they're going cheap.
' Going cheap, do you get it? And I'll tell you why I've got to get rid of them, shall I? Because I'm going on my holidays and I need my suitcase, right.
Now what Iwhat I, er, right, listen sorry I can't stay.
Tell you what, I just remembered my flight leaves in 'alf an hour.
See ya! Excuse me, excuseoh.
Shut up, will ya? Had a good day Del? Had a good day, a good day? Oh the best, Grandad, the very bloody best.
I've been chased by a gendarme, attacked by Pussycat Willum and almost caught rabies.
And it's all this dipstick's fault.
Oh he don't 'alf exaggerate.
Exaggerate? You should have been with me in that alley Rodney, it was like Call of the Wild.
Why didn't you warn me that that copper was coming? Because I didn't see him.
You didn't see him? What d'you want me to get you, radar or something? Oh you've gotta give him the benefit of the doubt Del Boy.
Yes, thank you Grandad.
At least somebody understands.
I mean, they are difficult to spot – with their size 18 boots and their pointed heads.
Why don't you shut your mouth you sarky old goat! Oh and that's another thing.
What about last Friday then, when we were knocking out them Italian shirts.
Listen to this one, Grandad.
That wasn't just one copper you failed to warn me about - it was an entire squad car.
I mean, it stood there by the kerb, all big and white with a red stripe running through it like a tube of Signal.
Well, I didn't see it.
You didn't see it you must have been a tiny suspicious when this ginormous great big jam sandwich pulled up next to you? Well, maybe he needs medical help Del.
Yeah, like psychiatric treatment.
Or glasses.
Look, I don't need psychiatric treatment and I don't need specs, right.
I've had a lot on my mind just recently.
I've been struggling to find a way of making a very important announcement.
Oh yeah, what important announcement? Alright, for the past two weeks or so I've been taking stock of my life.
Who I am, what I am and where I'm going.
And that's taken you a fortnight? I could have answered all them questions for you - could have been answered them all during a commercial break.
Will you just shut up for one minute.
I am 24 years old, I have two GCEs, an adult education centre behind me, right.
And with all that, what have I become? I'm a look-out.
No Rodney, you're wrong.
You're not just a look-out.
You're a bad look-out.
Alright, alright, so I'm not very good at it.
Perhaps that's 'cos me heart's not really in it.
I'm not asking you to put yer heart in it, just yer eyes'll do.
Del, what I'm trying to say is I'm thinking of breaking up the partnership.
- What partnership? - Ours Oh.
What do you want to do that for? We're doing well.
Business is booming, profits are up.
What more d'you want? I want to make my own decisions.
I've made one Del, I'm going it alone.
- Who with? - Mickey Pearce.
Mickey, Mickey Pearce, oh, leave it out.
He couldn't keep a rabbit going with lettuce.
You wanna watch that young Pearcey.
He's a bit too fly for my liking.
He'd rob his own grandmother he would.
Oh don't be stupid Grandad - that was never proved.
Anyway you give credit where it's due, right.
Mickey's quite an astute businessman.
And he's putting capital into this venture.
Oh, putting money in is he? Well, no.
But he will as soon as his Giro cheque arrives.
I see, and what are you going to put in? - I've got money, Del.
- Oh, oh, have you? Yeah, I've got my half of the partnership.
What partnership? What our part Alright, if that is the way you want it, my son.
'Cos you'll have to understand one thing Rodney.
Going it alone means exactly what it says.
Right, from now on, you've got to pay your own way in the world.
You pay your own way in the pubs and you pay your own way in this house.
You make a mistake you stick by that mistake.
Alright? Fine.
Fine.
And if things don't go right for you, I don't wanna hear no moaning or whining from yer.
Look, I won't moan or whine about nothing.
Right, there you go then.
- Is this all I got? - Yeah.
Oh bloody hell, Del, all them years of working, you give me this.
Yeah, well, I mean, you know, business's a bit shaky - profits are down.
Hold on a minute - just now you said we were doing well.
Yeah, well, we are doing well, relatively speaking Rodney.
I mean we are doing well, compared toan Iranian gin salesman.
Anyway, I had to buy some stock off Alfie Flowers yesterday, and I mean a trader is only as good as his stock, right.
Alright, well, this'll have to do then won't it.
But I'm going to prove to you that I've got business acumen, that I am as quick-witted as you, Del.
See you down the auction tomorrow.
Alright.
How will I recognise you? Ah, I'll wear that stripy tie withSee yer.
Lot 35, ladies and gentlemen, is a consignment of smoke-damaged fire alarms.
Now they are industrial models and all guaranteed - sort of - to be in perfect working order.
Well, we've written evidence from the nightwatchman to say they all went of when the factory went up.
Now there's 70 all-told, and they usually retail around the 30 quid mark.
So I can start the bidding at fifty quid the lot.
Go on, bid for 'em.
What do we want industrial fire alarms for, eh? How many factories do we know are going to catch fire? - Alright Rodney? - Good morning Derek.
Watcha Del.
It's good here innit? Er, triffic.
This is my first auction.
I thought it might be.
Listen, a word of advice.
You've gotta be very careful what you do with yer hands in a place like this.
I mean, I know you didn't realise it Mickey, but just now you put in a 40 quid bid for an electric generator when you scratched your bum.
- Did I? - He's winding you up.
The state of him.
What are you after? Cut-glass goblets.
- No, no, we ain't.
- But I thought you said No, no - we're not after nothing in particular.
Oh I see.
Now listen, the one that you wanna beware of is Lot 37.
It's nothing more than a load of scrap iron, right, so be careful.
See you later.
Do I hear any more? Now ladies and gentlemen, we come to lot 36, Take a look ladies and gentleman.
This is us Rodney.
No, hang on a minute.
Let's have another look at Lot 37.
Yeah, but Del told us to be careful of that one.
Yeah and why do you think he did that? Use your noddle Mickey.
Del's after Lot 37, ain't he? He's just trying to put us off and leave the field open for him, ain't he.
I know how his mind works son.
Right, Lot 37, assorted agricultural machinery.
Hey, that could be anything - that could be tractors, combine harvesters.
Yeah, we could take 'em out in the sticks and do them carrot crunchers up.
Hey, shall we go for Lot 37 then? Yeah.
- You bought this son? - Yeah.
There's always one at every auction, ain't there Del? Yeah, get two for the same price at this one.
Oi you, this stuff is a load of rubbish! I know, I did try to warn you Rodders.
Yeah, but I thought when you put Yeah, the trouble with you Rodney, is that you will insist on thinking.
Well, what have you bought then? I got those crystal goblets that you were after.
What are these things? What those? They are lawnmower engines.
Lawn-mower engines? Yes, listen they're not ordinary lawn-mower engines.
- No? - No.
They're broken lawn-mower engines.
Del.
We'll probably have a few problems getting these back to the, er, depot.
Yeah, we come down on the Green Line see.
Oh well, your best bet is to hire an open back truck then ain't it? Yeah, but we was wondering whether you could take maybe a few in the back of the van? Back of my van? You must be joking – I've only just cleared 'em out of the van.
You mean you was selling 'em in the first place? Yeah.
That is the rubbish that Alfie Flowers sold me.
Normally, I'd never have bought it, you know, but he caught me when I was a bit non compos mentis down the One Eleven Club.
Well, look, I never thought I'd ever get shot of them.
But you know me Rodney.
He who dares wins.
Actually it made a tidy little profit on it an' all.
What are we supposed to do with them? Well, why don't you do what I did? Find yourself a couple of right little plonkers with cash on the hip.
So what are we gonna do? Wait till he ain't looking and run away.
No, we can't do that, he's got my address.
Yeah, well he ain't got mine.
Oh thanks partner.
Well, you would insist on bidding for 'em.
Yeah, and who wanted to go out to the sticks and flog 'em to the carrot crunchers? Well, you said they were combine harvesters and tractors.
The way you were talking we were going to do a deal with Weetabix.
Oh get off my back.
How we going to get home anyway? Hello Grandad.
Here are, look at this.
Bought you some strawberries, go on, dip in.
Oh here, they ain't very big are they? What do you mean they ain't very big? You wouldn't like one of those up yer nose for a wart would yer.
Well, no.
Well, go on then, shut up and eat up.
I'll put the kettle on.
You're splashing out a bit ain't yer? Yeah, well, I've had a right blinding week.
I've sold the lot.
Here, I even sold those techni-colour woolen tea cosies I bought.
How d'you manage that? Who the 'ell wants woolen tea cosies these days? No, no, no, no - look, I got that Mrs Murphy right, to stitch up all the holes.
And then I whipped down to the youth centre and I flogged 'em to the West Indian lads as soppy hats.
There you go, look, there's the housekeeping money, alright, and look at that, there's a tenner for yourself.
Oh cheers Del.
That's it, don't squander it.
No, no, I'll invest it wisely.
How's young Rodney doing? Oh well, the opposition are floundering somewhat.
Well, to be more precise, they're going down like a one-legged man doing the hokey-cokey.
I've seen Rodney skulking around the garden centres and what 'ave yer.
He ain't got rid of them lawnmower engines yet? No, they're still in their depot.
Well, depot, that's Mickey Pearce's garden shed.
Here talking about that.
Do you know what happened last Tuesday night, somebody broke into their shed and nicked two of them engines.
Ah no.
That's rotten innit? I feel sorry for young Rodney.
No, no, no, it's alright, because Wednesday night they broke in again and put 'em back.
Oh here he is.
Listen Del Boy, don't say nothing about them lawn-mower engines.
I think he's getting a bit embarrassed about it.
Alright, I won't mention 'em.
Alright Del? Triffic, brill Rodders, had a blinding week.
How about you? Oh fine - could not be better.
Sold those lawn-mower engines yet? Lawn mower - lawn mower? Oh no, no, we've had lots of enquiries, obviously, but we're hanging on for the right price, you know.
Oh that is the way, Rodney, agent provocateur as the French would say.
Well, that's what I thought.
Oh that reminds me, did the paper boy bring my Sun this morning? Well, we've had to cancel it Rodney.
Cancel it? Why? Well, you haven't paid yer bill, have you? What, I'm paying that separate as well now am I? Yeah, well, you're on yer own now, remember? Oh yeah, yeah.
It's alright, I'm just saying, you know, as long as I know.
I'll - I'll go and pay it tomorrow.
You hungry Rodney? Ah well, I had a pretty hefty lunch with a client earlier on.
But, yeah, reckon I could manage some egg and chips.
I'll go and put the pan on.
Just a minute, just a minute.
Has he paid his housekeeping money? Well, I've got a bit of a cash flow problem at the moment.
Well, so's half the people on this estate but they don't come in here eating my egg and chips.
No, it's alright, I'll pay double next week.
Ah well, that's alright then.
That's alright, you can have double egg and chips next week.
How can you have a cash flow problem Rodney? I thought you had nearly tow hundred pounds left out of your share.
Yeah, yeah, that's right.
But - Mickey's holding the money.
Well, he's financial director see.
Why don't you pop round is house and get some money? Yeah, yeah, I would but he's out of town at the moment.
Yeah, I thought I hadn't seen him around for about four or five days.
No, no, well, that's 'cos we're doing this really big deal, you see, and Mickey's gone away to tie up all the loose ends.
Oh, well that explains it then.
Yeah.
Explains what? No, it's just that I saw his mum this morning.
She said she just got a postcard from him from Benidorm.
Benidorm? Yeah he's doing alright.
You know the weather's fine.
Food's good.
Met this Swedish bird called Helga.
Oh, would that be the contact that he went to meet? What? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, I've gotta admire yer bottle Rodders - I must admit.
You've been in the business five minutes and already you've opened up a Spanish branch.
You've cornered the World market on broken lawnmower engines – what's your partner doing now, is he buying second-hand pedalos? No, no, no, nothing like that, no, we're going into the self-catering holiday trade.
Cor, what on 200 nicker? Yeah well, we're starting in a small way.
What you got, a Wendy House? Grandad, I am not prepared to discuss the situation any longer, alright, it's confidential information.
I understand Rodney, no, no, I understand.
Well, I'm off out.
Where you going? Well, I thought I might go down and have a couple of light ales down the Nag's Head, and then go on to the Star of Bengal for a Ruby Murray.
Coming? - I'm potless ain't I? - What? Ah no, no, I really ought to stay in and do the company accounts, I suppose.
Oh here they are.
Oh, cheers.
You don't really think I'm that hard do you Rodney? - Na.
- No, of course I'm not.
Oh, cheers Del.
Grandad.
Do him them egg and chips will you? Oi Tony.
None of the boys been in? I haven't seen any of them, Del.
Oh young Towser's just come in for a take-away.
Oh has he, oh yeah.
Oi Towser.
Towser.
Sorry madam.
Yer onion bhaji's down there by yer foot.
Hello Del, how's it going? Alright my son, sit down and have yourself a popadum.
Listen, I can't get involved.
I'm getting the missus a takeaway and I wanna get home tonight.
Come on, you've got time for a drink.
- Go on, sit down.
- Oh cheers.
Listen, I'm glad I bumped into youI want you to do me a favour.
What's that? Sit down, you know those broken lawn-mower engines that dozy twonk Rodney got himself lumbered with? Yeah, what about 'em? I want you to buy 'em off him.
You want me to do what? Do me a favour Del.
Alfie Flowers offered me them engines a month ago.
I don't want nothing to do with 'em.
It's alright, it's alright.
Now listen, you don't have to spend any money.
There are, see that, look 200 quid I want you to offer him that.
about a score, scrap value.
I know but I want him to think he's made a good profit.
Look, he's had a bad week.
He's been tucked up something chronic by that best mate of his and now he's brassic.
Why don't you just give him the money? 'Cos it'll seem like charity, won't it, eh? Yeah, and he'll be too proud to accept it? No, he'd snap it up like a shot.
Look, I want him to think that he's been successful.
I want him to believe that he's proved me wrong It's important Towser.
Alright then Del, if that's what you want.
You're a pal.
'Ere don't let him know that I'm behind all this.
Look you say to him that you got this contact in the GLC parks department and, they can't get enough lawnmower engines, something like that.
You see the thing is I'm not going to lose out on the deal, because come this time tomorrow Rodney'll want to be my partner again, and I will get my money back.
See? Hey, wait a minute.
What am I going to do with all these engines? Well, I don't know, dump 'em somewhere.
Oh no, no, I couldn't do that Del.
I mean, I got nicked for fly-dumping a couple of months ago, I mean, they're gonna chuck the book at me this time.
Right I'll tell you what to do, take 'em back to Alfie Flowers and tell him that he can have 'em for nothing.
Yeah, alright Del.
Here, hang about, what's in it for me? Give you 15 for it.
Oh yeah.
- That'll do.
- Thank you.
Anything for a mate.
I wouldn't pay that bill if I were you.
Thank you Del - good morning.
Alright Rodders? Yeah.
Here, look I've had a right blinding day.
Here look at that Er, I must tell ya.
There's a really silly bloke down the market today.
Think he must have come from the funny farm he was really silly.
I said to him I said.
'Here do you wanna buy some broken lawn mower engines?' Then he said to me, 'I ain't that silly.
' For your information, Derek, this morning I successfully negotiated the sale of them engines to Young Towser.
You're kidding me? No, on my life.
He's bought the lot he's got a contact in the parks department at the GLC.
Cor, well that's a stroke of luck then innit? No, no, it's not luck Del - that is good business sense.
I knew all the time if I held on long enough I'd get my price.
Yeah, well, I must say I admire your courage Rodders.
Oh well, he who dares wins.
Yeah, that's right.
So well, that Mickey Pearce he's going to be pleased when he comes back off holiday ain't he, eh? Now, don't you talk to me about that Mickey Pearce.
I've liquidated our partnership.
Oh, so what you gonna do then? I mean still carry on, on your own like? Well - I was thinking - oh, you know.
Go back as we was, eh? You and me? Yeah.
You and me Del, eh? And now I've got experience of buying and selling meself.
Yeah, that could be invaluable Rodney.
Yeah, okay then, come on let's pool our resources.
There we go.
Now then, how much did you get for them lawn-mower engines? One hundred and sixty five pounds.
Is that what all you got for 'em Rodney? Well it's not bad Del, 'cos they're only worth what, a score, scrap value.
You certainly have learnt a lot, ain't you Rodders? Okay, let's see the colour of your money.
Oh, I ain't got it.
What d'you mean, Towser didn't pay you? Oh yeah, he paid me.
But I've invested the money.
You did what? I went down to Alfie Flowers yard, got us another load of lawn-mower engines.
You're joking? Tell me that you're joking? No, well if Towser's bloke at the GLC, well he can't get enough of them engines.
Oh I'll tell you I was dead lucky down at Alfie's.
He'd had another load delivered this morning.
But don't worry though 'cos they're exactly the same as the others.
You bet your life they're the same.
What a 42-carat plonker you really are.
Come on Del, don't you think it's time you showed a bit of faith in me? Yes, anything you say Rodney.
Anything you say.
Good.
Oi, Del, I was wondering now that we're partners again d'you think you could help me out? Eh, 'cos I ain't had a pint all week, all I've had to eat is Grandad's coking and look, the sole's coming off me best Guccis.
Look.
Yeah, I'll help you out Rodders.
Put that round yer Gucci, it will stop the sole coming off!