Only Fools and Horses (1981) s03e04 Episode Script

Yesterday Never Comes

Right, come on, come on.
Let's have it on.
Get it on.
Get in here.
That's it.
Right, come on, careful - careful with it.
Come on, we ain't got all day.
Alright.
It's heavy.
Come on then.
Mind your hernia Grandad.
Put your end down there Grandad, that's right.
Now your end Rodney.
Gordon Bennett Rodney, what is your game? This could be a de-luxe Chippendale and you're treating it like something we've dragged out for the bonfire.
That's about the best place for it.
You don't know, this could be a Queen Anne cabinet.
Oh, give over Del.
Don't look very old to me.
Ah - no - that is because when you was a lad this was probably 'G' plan.
But to anyone born after the Napoleonic Wars this is antique.
Anyway I'm going to put an ad in the paper in the morning.
Don't know what to charge for it though.
What d'you reckon, what, 95? Why don't you go the whole hog and make it a pound? You're starting to annoy me.
Hey, it's got woodworm.
That has not got woodworm.
What's all them little holes then? Well I don't know.
Maybe Queen Anne played darts.
Where's these lifts? I tell you what, I tell you what, I'm considering letting the British Museum take a look at it.
Yeah? I'd let Rentokil have a go first! You don't know nothing about antiques you, do you? I mean, you know, dealers they often put holes in little items like these to give it that sort of 'distressed' look.
Distressed.
Del, this thing looks panic-stricken.
Where are these rotten lifts? If those kids have jammed them again I'm gonna clump their ear'oles.
I don't believe it.
I don't believe it.
Oh no, come on, Del, it was a complete accident, look, it just come off in his hand.
What? You lying little git, you ripped it off.
Now come along Grandad, tell the truth for once.
I just don't believe this.
This thing has survived the Spanish Armada, the Black Death and the Blitz.
And then you two cack-handed sods come along and in five minutes you've destroyed a piece of our national heritage.
I don't know.
- Morning Mr Trotter.
- Morning Mrs Murphy.
Look you could - that was the lift weren't it? Now what am I gonna do about this thing, eh? I mean, you can't bodge about with this sort of quality.
I mean, it's gonna take the skills of a fully-trained furniture restorer.
Oh they ain't 'alf dear, Del Boy.
Are they? Here Rodney.
Whip down to the DIY shop and get a bag of nails, will you.
Here y'are 'Queen Anne cabinet.
Genuine antique, good as new.
Lovely condition throughout, a snip at one hundred and forty five pounds.
' You could make the Elgin Marbles sound like a second-hand Datsun, couldn't you? Oi, how much of this stuff did you sell today? What d'you mean in pounds sterling or in number of items? Either.
- None.
- None? People ain't interested Del.
Gordon Bennett Rodney.
I pick a prime site in the Arndale Centre and you can't even get shot of a pair of pop-socks.
You wanna grow up a bit, my son.
I suppose you spent all day playing marbles with that mate Elgin of yours.
What? What are you doing tomorrow Rodney? You and Mickey Pearce playing five-stones? You want to pull your socks up you do, you know.
Del, these things look like living bras that ain't been well.
Alright, alright, hang about - don't knock the battery out.
Good evening.
Miranda Davenport.
Miranda Davenport.
Ah yes, I think I know what this is about.
Now if it was your Mercedes I backed into the other day, I can assure you No, no, no, you obviously haven't the faintest idea why I'm here.
I telephoned earlier about your newspaper ad for the Queen Anne cabinet.
Oh gotcha.
Well, I left a message with an elderly gentleman, he did sound somewhat vague.
Oh yes, yes, well he is rather vague.
He had a bang on the head you see.
Ah yes.
When did it happen? Soon.
Do come in Miss Davenport, or may I call you Miranda? Well yes, I suppose so.
D'you know, Miranda is my most favourite name? Really? Yeah.
My name is Del, that's short for Derek.
How d'you do? Please go in to the sitting room will you.
There you go.
Oi, Grandad.
Grandad, did somebody call earlier about the cabinet? Oh yes.
She's coming round this evening.
Some posh tart.
Some posh tart.
He's a card ain't he? Yes, isn't he just.
Rodney come on, clear this put your homework away would you Rodney? Well, what do you think? Very nice.
Where is the Queen Anne cabinet? This - this is it.
This is the Queen Anne cabinet? Oh yes, it's definitely a Queen Anne, it's been given the once-over by experts.
Do you know anything about antiques Miranda? Yes.
I run my own antique shop in Chelsea.
Well, it might not be Queen Anne.
It isn't.
It's Queen Elizabeth, circa 1955.
If you look inside you'll see, beneath the dust and cobwebs, some faded lettering.
FY FF Thank you, yes, RodneyE S.
FYFFFiffes.
Fyffes.
Didn't they used to make bananas? That is correct.
So - so what does that indicate then? It indicates banana boxes of course.
Maybe they were antique banana boxes.
Alright, alright, thank you very much, Grandad.
Why don't you go to your bedroom and watch the 'Chinese Detective' on the portable? Go on.
Oh.
Alright, I know where I'm not wanted.
Well, go on then.
He never - never quite got over Suez.
Well, are you interested in it Miranda? No, I'm afraid not Mr Trotter.
Well, what do you think we should do with it then? I'm not sure.
Is there a tip near here? No there must be a wally somewhere who'd want to buy it.
Yeah, let's face it Del, you bought it last week didn't you? I say, that's rather pretty isn't it? That? You must be joking, it gives me itchy fever every time I look at it.
I think it's rather sweet.
Is it for sale? No - definitely not.
No, you see that is a family heirloom.
It belonged to my latedeparted Grandmother.
We couldn't possibly sell it, could we Rodney? No, no, no way, no.
It's valuable then? Oh no, no, it's worthless.
I just rather like it that's all.
You see, I'm redecorating my London flat and I'm just on the look-out for little pieces like that.
Still, never mind Um, do you know, I'm really rather in two minds about this cabinet now.
What - you think this might have some potential do you, Miranda? Well I'm really not sure.
But you see, what's persuading me is that you're obviously a man with an eye for this sort of thing.
Oh yes, petit Suisse.
Quite.
Whereas I'm just a woman trying to make her way in the big wide world.
Oh yes, it's dog eat dog in the antique game Miranda.
I know Derek - you'll most probably say no – but I was wondering whether you and I could go into this together? How d'you mean Miranda? Well, I was thinking.
We could take this to the workroom at the back of my shop.
I have a very good man working there who could possibly restore this to its former glory.
Repolish the top, varnish out the lettering, some new brass handles, and then we could put it in the shop and share the profit.
What d'you think? I think that sounds just the ticket Miranda.
Mind you, I'd have to have a word with my partner.
Oh me? Will you excuse us while we confer? Rodney, would you join me, I'd like to have a word with you in the office? What to, er Confer, yes.
Excuse us.
There you go.
Thank you, we'll be back in a couple of shakes, alright.
Well, if you want my opinion Del, I don't think we should let that cabinet out of our sight.
That cabinet is definitely going to her shop to be tarted up and sold for a ridiculously high profit.
End of discussion.
Good, good, well, there's nothing like talking things out is there? If you wasn't interested in my opinion, what d'you drag me in here for? 'Cos I want your advice, Rodney, I think she fancies me.
- Miranda? - Yeah.
Leave it out Del, she's an intelligent woman.
I know she's an intelligent woman.
That is most probably why she fancies me.
True, true, yeah, well, I did notice the way she looked at you.
- Yeah? How? - What? How, you know, how did she look at me? Well - sort of - Like that.
Looks like she had a hot chip in her mouth.
Del, I can't do a face like hers, can I? No, no I suppose not, no.
How am I going to tell her that - you know - the 'feeling' is mutual? - Just tell her.
- But how? I don't know, do I? You do, you're the one with the GCEs.
Just be yourself.
Leave it out, Rodney, I wanna be in with at least half a chance.
Del, for once in your life, be you.
Right.
And you won't need none of them soppy French phrases neither.
What d'you mean, soppy French phrases? La bonne vie, you stupid See what I mean? Del, you can't speak French.
You're still struggling with English.
What is it with you Rodney? Do you like hospital food or something? I'm just being honest with you.
Let's face it Del, most of your French phrases come straight out of a Citroen manual, don't they? A lot of people are impressed by things like that.
Yeah, maybe the cave-men down at the Nag's Head.
But it's not going to cut any ice with Arthur Negus's youngest in there, is it? I suppose you're right.
Del, if you're really that interested, why don't you just give her a sign of your - mutual attraction.
- Yeah, a sign, eh? - Yeah.
And be yourself.
Yeah, yeah, yeah okay - yeah.
That's it.
He who dares, wins.
Right.
Well, that is it Miranda.
I have discussed the matter with my partner and we both agree that we shall exceed your delusions.
What? You take that thing with you and get it tarted up.
Oh good.
Well, I'll telephone you in the morning and arrange for it to be collected.
Yes, thank you.
- Fancy a curry? - Why not? My old guts are playing me up this morning Rodney.
Yeah, I know.
I've got a touch of the old Ghandi's revenge bruv.
What, from the Ruby last night? Yeah.
Did Miranda enjoy it? Well, she had a bit of aggro with the chicken tikka, mind you it was a bit rubbery.
She was chewing on one bit for about 'alf an hour – I thought she'd end up blowing bubbles with it any minute.
She's quite a sort, ain't she Rodney? Yeah, she's alright.
What d'you mean, alright? Alright? You wouldn't say no would yer, eh? No she's quite taken with me an' all you know.
No, she is, she's very impressed.
Well, she knows I know a lot about antiques don't she, eh? Oh yeah, yeah, well, you've been out with enough ain't yer? Oi, that is enough of that.
Anyway listen, I went up her shop this morning up Chelsea.
Real pukka establishment Rodney, I mean, you know, real pukka.
Sort of place royals go.
No, I think something really good's gonna come out of this, bruv.
Do us a favour, Del.
Look, don't get too carried away with this Miranda sort, eh? I mean, her type don't give a monkey's for the likes of you.
What do you mean by that? It means I've seen it all before.
You meet someone you take a fancy to and within a week it's all wine and roses and 'I'm just popping down to Bravington's Rodney.
' What do you think I am some sort of whelk or something? Still wet behind the ears? I know exactly what I'm doing.
Nice one Derek, nice one my son.
I must admit there is a certain chemistry between me and Miranda.
I'm just gonna pop next door and get a Dalton's Weekly, alright.
Fancy an Indian? Fascist! - Right, you fit then Rodders, eh? - Yeah, yeah fit.
Here, you ain't 'arf got a nasty rash coming up on your boat race.
Oh yeah, yeah that's, um, that's just where I caught the sun, you know.
Well, if I didn't know any better I'd swear that someone had smacked you right in the eye.
Alright don't go on about it.
What d'you mean? You're a touchy little git sometimes ain't yer? Here we are.
That's it.
Do come in.
There we are.
I'll get the door.
Oh, allow me.
Thank you, there you are Miranda.
Sit yourself down on the chaise longue and I'll fix us a drink.
What can I get you, port and lemon, rum and coke? Or shall I surprise you? Why don't you surprise me.
Right you are.
There we go.
That was a blinding meal weren't it Miranda, eh? Yes, it was very nice.
I did feel a bit over-dressed for a Berni Inn though.
I don't think so.
I think we made quite an impression – I mean everybody was looking at us.
- Take a sip of that Miranda.
- What is it? That is called a Tequila Sunset.
Cheers.
It tastes of gin.
Yeah, I run out of Tequila.
Well, it's very nice.
Yeah, it is innit? I actually got the recipe off a Mexican barman.
Have you been to Mexico? No, no, he lives in the flat upstairs.
Miranda.
I, well, I've been, thinking about us.
And I've Oh yes, sorry about that, it belongs to Rodney.
He's into still-life.
He's got his GCE in Art you know.
Really? Oh yeah.
He'll most probably be famous when he's dead.
As I was saying - I've been thinking about you and me.
Do you like art? Oh yeah, it's triffic, I can't get enough of it.
You see the thing is that I was thinking - This is very strong.
- Yeah.
Do you like Cezanne? Oh yes, a bit of ice and lemonade, it's lovely.
You see, you and I have got, well, you know.
We've got a lot in common, haven't we? I mean we're both - well - English.
I do love that painting.
Yeah, it's triffic innit? Your grandmother must have had very good taste.
No, she couldn't have had much, she married my grandfather.
Do you like that painting Derek? What that? No, I hate it, can't wait to get rid of it.
Oh don't ever throw it away, please.
It would look so nice in my flat.
I'd hang it just above my bed.
Just try to picture it.
Oh you can't - I've just remembered, you haven't seen my bedroomyet.
No, I haven't seen your bedroomyet.
- You were saying? - What? You were talking aboutus.
Oh yeah.
Yeah - yeah.
Well, I was gonna say that I was thinking about - well – you know maybe later - you know - not now - if you like in the future sometime, when you, sort of felt like it, we could, sort of, work closer together.
I've been thinking exactly the same thing.
Have you? Ever since I first met you.
Oh Miranda, drink up, I'll get you another Tequila Sunset.
No really, I've had quite enough.
Shall I put my Richard Clayderman LP on? No, I must be going.
I have to be up early in the morning, Mummy and Daddy will probably ring first thing to wish me happy returns.
You know what parents are like.
No, I haven't had any for ages.
Sorry, did you say it's your birthday? Yes.
Surely I told you? Oh, you haven't bought me a present? What? Oh you really shouldn't have.
It's very sweet of you though, thank you.
I really must be off.
Sorry Gran.
Good morning Rodders, good morning Grandfather.
It's a beautiful day out innit, eh? Makes you glad to be alive, don't it? Yeah, triffic.
Where you off to then Del? I'm going out to Miranda's shop.
Just to see the cabinet.
What time's visiting hours then? There's nothing wrong with that cabinet, Rodney.
I keep on telling you, it's very nice cabinet.
Yeah, it is.
I mean a million wooodworms can't be wrong can they? I've told you before Rodney, there are no woodworms in that cabinet.
Whose birthday is it then Del? Mine if I play my cards right! 'Happy birthday sweetheart, from your ever loving Delly-Welly.
' Delly-Wally more like it.
Alright.
Alright, put that down and let's not have so much of it, shall we.
It's Miranda's birthday Rodney and we forgot.
Oh no, what a choker, still never mind.
What d'you get for her birthday Del? Oh, nothing much! What's happened to your Gran's painting? Eh? Well, I told you the sun would fade it didn't I? Sun, my arse, you've given it to that tart ain't yer? Well, she's not gonna raffle it, is she? She'll only hang it on her bedroom wall.
Your Gran brought that painting into this house Del.
There was an history behind it, and you knew it.
You stole your own Grandmother's painting? I didn't steal the painting.
Gran left that painting to me.
Don't give me that old Mother Hubbbard.
She did.
One night, when she wasn't feeling too well, she said to me, she said, 'Del, when I go that painting is yours.
' I don't remember it.
No, you were out.
That's handy innit, no witnesses.
There were witnesses.
There was Mum and Rodney.
Mum ain't here any more.
I know that but Rodney is.
You remember don't you Rodney? I can't say I do Del.
But you must remember.
You were there, over there in the corner.
With Mumhaving yer nappy changed.
Having his nappy chaHe could have only been about four.
Exactly, how the hell do you expectFour??? I never thought I'd live to see the day when you, you of all people, let the family down.
- I'm going to my room.
- Here, Grandad.
Come on.
Here you are, look, have a tenner, come on.
She's got you tied up like a turkey ain't she? You've changed since you met her Del.
You've got more hooter than Pinocchio.
Just stay out of my life, will you.
Yeah, I'll stay out of your life.
In fact, I think I can quite safely say that me and Grandad won't ever get under your feet again.
I just hope Miranda suffers with hay-fever.
- Rodney.
- What? Don't be a plonker.
Did he leave that tenner? Hello Harry.
Is Miranda about? No, she's popped down to Huddleton's Del.
Just down the road there, on yer left.
Right, I'll pop down and see her.
Here, how come you ain't open? Had to close mate, we're being fumigated, the place is full of woodworm.
You wanna watch that H.
Especially with your wooden leg! The bid is with Gideon's Gallery - Derek.
- Yeah.
What are you doing here? I thought I'd just pop up and take you out to lunch, you know, sort of birthday treat.
Birthday? Oh yes.
How sweet.
These are for you.
They're daffodils.
So they are.
They used to be my Mum's favourite.
Oh really? Well, thank you.
Look, I'm rather busy at the moment.
Why don't you wait for me at that little wine bar round the corner? Yeah, alright.
Will you be long? How should I know? Look, take these with you as well please.
Yes - yeah, right.
Now, Lot 24 is this recently discovered work by the late Now it's a particularly fine example of his work and I'd like to start the bidding at 7,000.
Do I have 7,000? - You lied to me, didn't you? - Nobody's perfect.
It's not your birthday at all, is it? It will be soon.
All you wanted me for was that painting weren't it? Well, what else did you think I was interested in? That banana box of a Queen Anne cabinet? The damn thing's infested my entire stock.
No, I thought, you know, maybe there was something else.
Did you honestly think I enjoyed being in the company of a man who slapped my bottom, called me sweetheart and assaulted my digestive system with third-rate curries.
- Yeah.
- You must be a fool.
Miranda, you should have told me that you wanted to sell that painting.
Don't be ridiculous, I'm in business I realised how valuable it was the moment I saw it.
Why should I tell you? No, Miranda, you don't understand.
I think you're the one who's confused Derek.
And let's get one thing absolutely clear.
That painting is now mine.
It's been legally registered in my name.
Mummy and Daddy have even signed an affidavit to swear that the painting has been in our family for generations.
Thank Gawd for that.
I've been trying to get shot of that painting for years.
What do you mean? I know exactly what that painting is and I know exactly how much it's worth.
Rubbish.
How could someone like you possibly know that? I'll tell you how I know that shall I? Because my Gran used to be a char-lady to an art dealer.
That's how I know.
Oh I see, and this Mrs Mopp examined it did she? No, she didn't examine it.
She nicked it! Good luck sweetheart.