Only Fools and Horses (1981) s04e07 Episode Script

To Hull and Back

- Well? - 1,992! That's what it come to last time! Yeah, I now and that's what it'll come to this time and the time after than an' all.
Two grand! Where are we gonna get two grand from? Look, try it again Rodney.
And this time see if you can get it lower! Well how can I get lower? Look Use this calculator! It's still gonna work out the same Del! I could do it on this calculator, that calculator.
I could do it on me fingers and toes.
I could do it on beads, it's still gonna come to 1,992, ain't it? Right bloody help you turned out to be Rodney! Keep the noise down will yer, I can hardly hear this! Shut up you saucy old git! Well, even if you could hear it, you couldn't understand it, could you, it's in Indian! In 1959 I was in Bombay! You carry on much longer by tomorrow afternoon you could be in traction! But I like this kind of music! Oh yeah, look at that Rodney, it's one of his favourites that is.
That's that good old-fashioned sing-along number, Knees Up Mother Patel.
Listen,we're over there trying to devise a scheme that is gonna make us into millionaires, and all you can do is sit here and watch bleedin' Indian banjos! Why don't you just stick a George Harrison LP on yer Walkman or something? You two are gonna be millionaires! And the Titanic was unsinkable! Oi, you, there's a fortune to be made out of this deal! - Yeah? What is this deal then? - Lowvery doors! So what about 'em? Well what about 'em? I'll tell you what about 'em! There's a certain painter and decorator what gets down the Nag's Head, - and his name is Brendan O'Shaunessy.
- He's Irish! Yeah! That is correct, Rodney.
Now this Brendan O'Shaunessy has just got a contract to decorate and fit out a new housing estate over at Nunhead.
And what has the architect deemed shall be fitted to all wardrobes? None other than lowvery doors! Well, you've got one of them, that's a start innit? Ooh, he can be a sarky old bark when he wants to be can't he, eh? That's just a sample, innit? You see Del's mate, Teddy Cummings, right, he manages a joinery works and he can let us have hundreds of them doors dirt cheap! And there's 200 per cent profit on each one! That's right.
It's like printing money! And the cherry on the cake is that this building firm is putting up houses all over the shop, so it's a sort of long-term, on-going situation! So where's the problem? Well, Teddy Cummings will only sell them doors in bulk! Yeah, if we don't get two grand by tomorrow afternoon the deal's off! Well can't you borrow the money? We've tried all that ain't we! We've been everywhere! The bank that likes to say yes said on yer bike! The sign of the Black Horse gave us a load of old pony, didn't they? Even the listening bank cocked a deaf 'un! - Delyou'll most probably think this is stupid! - What is? Well, it's a long shot I'm here to tell you.
It's a real long shot! Oh I know, I like long shots.
You know me Rodney, he who dares wins! What is it? I was reading this colour supplement yesterday.
There was an article in it that really caught my interest! - Yeah, yeah? - It was about a butterfly.
- A butterfly? - Yeah! Not an ordinary butterfly though! No, this one's a bit of a rarity.
It's virtually unheard of in this country! Oh well, that's interesting innit? I think it's name was, eh, the Jamaican swallow tail.
Well it don't mean a lot to me Rodney, that, no.
No well here it is.
Look it's scientifical name is Papillo humerus! Oh, now, that does ring a bell! I don't believe what he is doing to me! Here I am on the verge of losing the biggest deal of my life and this plonker here wants to give me a lecture about poxy butterflies!! No, you don't understand do you? It's an endangered species.
Yeah, I know, you'll be an endangered species if you carry on much longer Rodney! Look some of these things have been seen in southern England! One of them was spotted in Greenwich Park! You wanna whip him down the quack's a bit lively, the boy's flipped his lid! Listen mouthy, there's this private interminal Well there's this private butterfly collector right and he's willing to pay a 3,000 pound reward for one of these butterflies.
Three thousand pounds? Yeah and Greenwich Park is only up the road, innit? You mean, you want us to go around chasing butterflies? You know what? I think you're right Rodney! Yeah! It is stupid! Well I said it was a long shot, didn't I! Gordon Bennett! I can just see us three now running up and down Peckham High Road.
We'll be trying to catch Mars Bar wrappers! Hey come on, look at the time.
Hey, come on, get this stuff out of here.
We're gonna go and see if we can do a bit.
Ask yourselves this, ask yourselves this, how much do you spend on hairdressing, eh? Now it's gotta be six or seven quid a hit these days innit? You work that out over a year and it comes to a national debt! Right but, for just one pound fifty you could invest in one of these super de-luxe trimming combs! I mean, you can save yourself a fortune in the comfort of yer own front room! Could you just - just come round a bit closer, come closer 'cos at these prices I can't afford to deliver! - Hey is that sharp enough, mate? - Is it sharp? Is it - sharp? Is that sharp enough for you? Invest one pound fifty and you can save yourselves thousands! This is a better bet than Piggott on a favourite! Now listen to me - listen.
These come recommended you know by the world's leading hair stylists.
Vidal Sassoon, Teezy Weezy, Mick the barber, Mick the Miller - Mickey Mouse, Sweeney Todd.
Why do I bother? It's been one of them days innit? Never mind Rodney, pack up the suitcase, we'll go down the Nag's Head for a couple of swift 'alfs I've got as much chance of winning Miss World! - Oi, Denzil! So how's your luck? Don't ask! Don't ask.
If they made it into a film it'd be a bigger tear-jerker than Love Story! Bad as that, eh? Yeah.
I'd go into the details - only I don't want to see grown men cry! Listen, you want to hear a sob story I will tell you a sob story! I have just found out that my wife has been lying to me! Yeah! Every morning she says she's gonna leave me, and when I come home at night she's still there! Like it.
Look at him, look.
Soppy look.
I can't stop, I've gotta get down to the Job Centre.
Yeah alright.
Down the Job Centre eh? You've got yourself into a growth industry at last! Yeah, well, the wages are lousy, but the hours suit me fine! - See you then Den.
- See you around.
See you Denzil.
Give my love to Corinne.
The miserable old cow! Oh well, come on, let's go.
I heard it took three coppers to arrest Denzil the other night! That's right.
One to put the handcuffs on and two to carry the radio! You've heard it then.
We've all heard ain't we? Come on.
Let's go.
Hey hold up! - What did Denzil get the sack for? - Oh he didn't, he was made redundant.
Hold on, if he was made redundant, that means he's got redundancy money? Yeah, I suppose so! - You're not having any! - I'm your friend.
Denzil.
You're still not having any!!! I'm gonna make you rich, Denzil.
Put me downI'm a policeman - Please don't make me rich! - Denzil, don't be a plonker all your life!! I'm gonna live forever Alright Uncle? Had a good day? I've been busy doing the housework Del.
I've made all the beds except yours and Rodney's.
Oh that's alright.
Well sit yourself down.
Go on, you don't want to knock your old pipe out do you, eh? - No that's my trouble.
I never know when to stop! - Yes this is true.
This is very true.
You're in a better mood than you were this morning! Yeah well I've every reason to be, haven't I! I've clinched the lowvery door deal! Never! Yeah it's true! I've picked them up, paid for them, and Rodney at this moment is stacking 'em in the garage! All I've gotta do now is phone Brendan, and he'll come round and pick them up and we shall be rich! Where d'you get the money to pay for 'em? Well d'you remember my pal Denzil – called in here a couple of weeks ago.
Oh yeah.
He was black? Yeah - well, he still is! Anyway did you hear that he had 2,000 pounds redundancy money? Well he ain't now! Oh come off it Del.
You didn't take the fella's redundancy money! Well yeah.
I mean, he insisted! I have never seen anything like it.
He did Denzil up like a kipper! Yeah, well look, tell him when he comes in that I've got all the lowvery doors and they're in the garage and he can come and pick 'em up any time he wants.
He chased him he did! A mile and 'alf through Deptford! Denzil was 300 yards from his front door.
And he put in a kick! I tell you, Seb Coe ain't even in the picture when he's got a smell of money in his nostrils! Okay then Bridie, don't you forget to tell him now will yer? He forced lager down his throat then he frog-marched him to the bank! Do you know Denzil was crying when he handed that money over! Listen to me, dopey.
Listen, now right, Denzil give me Now that means he gets a 1000 pounds profit in 24 hours.
Now he ain't gonna get that at the Bradford and Bingley is he? Denzil knows it makes sense! What about his missus, she' a bit of a dragon ain't she? Well let's just say I wouldn't like to be in Denzil's shoes when Corinne finds out! No she'll be alright.
She'll be as sweet as a nut! Denzil bought her a little present.
Oh yeah, a do-it-yourself hair cutting kit! No, she's gonna treasure that, you mark my words.
Now listen gentlemen, listen to me, because this evening I am taking you down the Nag's Head public house, where we're gonna hold one of them things that Rodney couldn't organise in a brewery! After that - after that, we're gonna go to the Star of Bengal for a Ruby! So get that down your neck, Rodney.
Cheers.
- My hair's falling out! - What? My hair's falling out in great chunks! I'm going bald! - Derek, I am 24 years old and I'm going bald! - That's supposed to be a sign of something.
Yeah, it's a sign that I'm going bald! Listen you tart.
Come here.
Let me have a look at it! Come on, let me see.
Well, what d'you reckon? Well, let me put it this way Rodney, if your head was a tyre you'd fail the MOT! Bloody hell I'm going bald! No, it might not be that Rodney.
You might have a touch of alopecia! I never thought of that Unc! And there's me fretting, eh? - My head's gonna look like a bloody egg! - Get yourself a wig son! Oh yeah, I'm gonna look really cool ain't I, tryin' to pull a bird with a Davy Crockett hat on me head! I'll answer that.
It could be the phone.
Hello? Brendan.
How are you pal? I see you got the message then? Eh? What d'you mean you've been tryin' to phone me all day? Eh? Well what's wrong? Why don't you talk to him? You know.
Go and persuade him.
Del, what's up? It's the architect, he's changed his mind! He wants Victorian panel doors now! Brendan, listen, listen, listen Brendan, you know, go - you know, give him a few quid, eh? Bung him, eh.
Eh? Wellbeat him up then! Well I'll come down and beat him up for you if you like! No Brendan, look I've got 166 lowvery doors in my garage! All my capital is tied up in 'em! I know we didn't sign a contract but what am I supposed to do with 'em? And yours.
I'll get you for this, Brendan, you see if I don't! Damn! There they go.
Look at all that, I knew everything was going too smoothly, all that money! Can't you take 'em back to the warehouse and swop 'em for paneled doors Take 'em back to the warehouse! Yeah, why don't we just take 'em back and swop 'em? We can't take 'em back can we, eh? We were lucky to get 'em out without being caught! They were hooky? Oh great Derek! Cosmic! They were hooky lowvery doors were they! Well you didn't mention that small fact to me, did you? Weren't you just a teeny weeny bit suspicious the way we collected them doors? Instead of driving them in a warehouse and sort of loading 'em up Johnny Cummings was chuckin em out the first floor window, weren't he, eh? - Del? - What? - You know that Denzil fella? - Yeah.
- Has he got any brothers? - Yeah, five, why? Nothing.
It's just that five West Indian blokes just got out of a Rover! It's them! That is them, it's Denzil's brothers!! - Look at the size of them!! - What are you gonna do Del? Oh well, we'll just stay here.
We'll stay here.
And if they wanna cut up rough we'll exchange punches you know like man to man.
You're not including me in that are you? Fight 'em! Derek, look at the size of 'em! They'll look even bigger when they get up here Rodney! Yeah, well, I'll tell you what.
Don't worry.
Don't worry.
Listen I'm gonna explain.
What we're gonna do - what we're - I'll tell you.
We can run for it.
Come on let's get out of here.
Quick! - What's he brought us here for? - Gawd knows! I don't like these places, they make me feel queasy! What's up with you two? Oh it's nothing, it's just Albert, he don't feel too well! How bad is he? I mean, is it worth our while taking him home? Oh, I ain't that bad Del! Oh good.
Well you just sit back and enjoy yourself then! Enjoy ourselves Del, we are 2,000 pounds in debt, we have a garage load of hooky doors and a mob or irate Rastafarians after our blood! So what are we doing hanging round Mum's monument? Because I always come here in times of trouble Rodney.
I just come here, stand here and tell Mum my problems and, somehow, she always seems to provide an answer.
She's never let me down yet! I mean, you take that time when you were done for possession of cannabis.
I just came here an' I told Mum that her little baby was in trouble with the law! And it was almost as if I could hear her voice saying to me 'Bribe the Old Bill, Del!' And what happened? When the case came to court the police could provide no evidence! You told me you got a 250 quid fine and a suspended sentence! Yes, because three days before the trial this plonker pleaded guilty by post! Mom wasn't to know that, was she? Don't worry, she'll come up with a solution to our financial pligh.
Come on, sit yourself down, just relax Rodders.
Look around Rodney, just think, one day all us Trotters'll be here.
- Well I don't know about you! - That's alright Del, I'm with the Co-op! Yeah, back in the sixties I bought us all plots you know.
I thought land's a good investment annit? Oh, can't go wrong Del can yer! See, I'll be over there, next to Mum, and Grandad, well he's over there in the Gardens of External Peace.
Where will I be? Oh yeah, you are, oh look, see look, see right over there.
Right over the back there.
Can you see the big pile of stinging nettles? There.
Under the stinging nettles? I ain't gonna be buried under a pile of stinging nettles! Well it ain't gonna bother you is it Rodney, 'cos you're gonna be brown bread! What happens when his family come to pay their respects? He won't have no family, will he? 'Cos I'll be there next to Mum and you'll be picking up yer divvies! He could be married by then! How's his widow gonna tend his grave when it's covered in stinging nettles? She'll have to buy herself a decent pair of gardening gloves won't she! Come to think of it, I've got a beautiful pair of gardening gloves in the garage! They retail at 4.
75 normally, they could be yours for a nicker! I don't want any gardening gloves! Oh that's charming, isn't it, eh? Never a thought for the poor old missies! There she'll be with swellings and blotches all over her hands, the poor little mare! I don't believe this conversation is taking place! In 35 seconds you two have married me, buried me and given my widow skin trouble! Well, you've gotta look to the future ain't yer Rodney? Not if I can help it Uncle! I often look into the future.
I find it very reassuring to know that whatever happens down here, in this mortal curl, one day we'll all be together up there in Heaven, for ever and ever, amen! Do you believe in all that Heaven and what 'ave yer? Oh yeah, it's true, I read it in a book! Just think Rodney.
When you walk through them Pearly Gates, all like clouds and things - the first face you'll see will be mine.
- Yeah, that's cosmic Del! - Your Mum'll be there as well! Oh yes, Mum'll be there 'cos she'll be wanting to see Rodney, her little wonder baby! She used to always call him that you know 'cos she used to wonder how the hell he happened.
I suppose your Dad might be up there as well, eh? Oh I do hope so.
I do hope so Uncle, can't wait to get my hands on that old git! I'll give him such a whack with my harp he won't know if it's Good Friday or Bonfire Night! Del, will you stop rabbiting for one minute and come over here.
- Oh Gordon Bennett, what's the matter with you now? - Look over there! - Where? - Just by them flowers.
It's like that butterfly thing from Rodney's magazine.
That's because it is that butterfly thing from my magazine! Oh leave it out you wally! What that thing over there's worth 3,000 pounds? Never It is, it is that 'an all.
If we could, if we could capture that all our problems'll be over! I told you two didn't I? Didn't I tell you two that Mum'd come up trumps.
Yeah, let's get it! No look, be careful, take yer time.
Take yer time! We've gotta do this the way the professionals would do it.
What d'you mean? We've gotta jump over things and skid around in the van? I don't mean Bodie and bleedin' Doyle you stupid old git I mean professional butterfly catchers! Albert.
- Yes Del? - Giss yer hat! - Derek! - What? - Have some respect! - Oh sorry It's gone! Quick Rodney.
Get after it.
Go on quick.
Careful Del! Take it, nice and easy.
Yes, yes, thank you Rodney! 'Cos you could slip and kill yourself easy as anything! I know, I know! Now!! - Come on Del, he's getting away! The things I do for money! - Where is it? - He's out there on that lily pad! We can't leave him out there can we? Well what d'you wanna do then, phone the coastguard? Look, a bloody great pike could come up and have him for supper.
No, one of us has got to go in and get him.
Go on Rodney, I'll hold your shoes! Eh? I'm not going in there!! This is no time for second thoughts! That is not a butterfly out there, that is Denzil's money! - So how come I have to go and get it? - 'Cos I'm not a very good swimmer! Nor am I! I know but you're taller than me, ain't yer, It'll take you longer to drown! It's only shallow.
- How shallow? - Well I don't know do I! Get in and see! What's Rodney doing? I dunno - backstroke I think.
Our three grand's out there on that lily pad.
I begged him, I begged him not to go in! Pity you weren't here, this is right up your street isn't it? - I can't swim Del! - You used to be a sailor! Don't mean a thing!! Nelson couldn't swim! Course he couldn't, he'd only got one bloody arm! He'd be going round in circles wouldn't he? There you are Rodney, it's not as bad as you thought is it? You pushed me! I did not, I did not push you, I just gave you a little bit of encouragement! - Anyway come on Rodders you're in now! - Yeah, and I'm getting out 'an all.
Just a minute, just a minute.
Not ten yards, not ten yards from you, right, is one of the rarest, most beautifulest of God's little tiny creatures! And them wallies in that magazine of yours are gonna give us three grand for it.
I don't care Del, I'm still getting out! Listen, we give Denzil his two grand back and we've got a grand for ourselves! I thought you said you'd give Denzil three grand! That's funny that, 'cos Denzil thought I said that 'an all.
Rodders, everyone's a winner! What d'you say? - Nice and gently Rodney.
- Shuddup! Easy now, don't splash, go slowly, don't disturb it.
Shush, mind how you go - Good boy, come on.
- I bet I'll get a cold next week now! - Shut up you tart! - This water'll make my hair go frizzy! Don't worry, the alopecia'll soon cure that.
Just remember, if you get into difficulties, save the butterfly right? Stuff the butterfly! There's only a few of them things left in the world, there's millions of you! Nice 'n' easy Rodney, almost there! - Careful, careful, got it, got it.
- Is he alright Del? Yeah he's alright.
A bit wet, but he'll survive.
The old sun'll soon dry you out won't it? And then we'll take you down to the nice man who's gonna give your Uncle Delly Welly three lovely grand! Denzil I've got your money.
Great man! I'll see you down the pub later! - What's that mess in your hands? - That used to be a butterfly Rodney! The buttButYou didn't Not when Denzil.
Well what a plonker! So what do we do now? Ladies and gentlemen, how would you like to be the proud owners of a set of lowvery doors?