Only Fools and Horses (1981) s05e01 Episode Script

From Prussia with Love

- What do you reckon then Mike, 29? - Last orders now - please.
I'm not interested.
I'll give you the box - it's got re-dial -, oi, top me up too, don't hang about.
Go an' tell that girl over there will you, we're closing in a minute.
And how am I supposed to do that? I've been tryin' to talk to her all night but she's foreign, don't understand the lingo! What's occurring Mike? Well it's that foreign tart, she can't speak a word of English.
She's been sitting there all night.
Keeps bursting into tears! Yeah, well at your prices you can't blame her? What's her nationality? - Ain't got a clue! - Maybe she's Swedish!! - Swedish?? - Hark at him.
Yeah, well d'you know the Swedish for 'Chucking out time'?? - That's one pound fourty-seven - Alright, I'll get it.
Here Del, Del, you speak a bit of French don't you? Potage bonne femme! Listen, go and have a chat with her, see if she speaks a bit French? Of course I will Mike, anything for a mate.
How much d'you say these drinks were? One fourOn the house Del! Good boy, well done Michael, you're a gentleman! Right, you can stay here if you like Rodney.
You must be joking! You're gonna to speak French to someone, I wouldn't miss this for a million pounds.
- Alright, alright then - I'll show you.
Come on.
- Go on then.
Alright Maureen, I can take over now.
Right.
Au revoir! Parlez vous the old Francais? Oh, oui bien sur.
Pouvez vous m'aider s'il vous plait? Est'ce qu'il y'a un hotel ou pension quelconque par ici ou je peux trouver une chambre? Na, she don't speak French either Mike! Excusez-moi Monsieur.
Je ne suis pas Francais, mais Allemande! - Who? - Allemagne!! Deutschland!! Germany!! Ja? She's German! Oh, it's alright, panic over Mike, Bamber's cracked it! She's German! What do you want? I can speak a bit of German, I was over there just after the war.
Yes, sit down, sit down.
Come over here.
Now listen to me.
I want you to ask her what her name is, where she lives, her address and all that sort of thing.
Right, leave this to me Vot ees your nem? Vot is your nVot is yor nem He's winding me up ain't he? Does anyone speak English? English! You saucy mare, course we speak English, we invented the lingo didn't we? - Yes we sp Well, I speak English! - You help me maybe? I look for my hotel! Oh right.
Which hotel? What is the name of your hotel?? I not sure of this! Oh stone me, there's bloody millions of them across the river.
- Er, he say 'There are many hotels in London.
' - Oh ja, many! You just come in then? Gatwick airport - silver bird? Please? He say 'Have you just arrived in England?' Oh no.
I be in England now for one year.
I am language student.
French and English, ja? I work as au pair and study at the college.
The family I work for tell me I must go.
They are not happy with me.
They say I must leave.
, so I have hotel yes? Oh yes! Don't worry, I - I will make sure you get to your hotel.
I will make sure you get safely to your room! I think I can handle this on my own Del, don't you? Yeah, I bet you can! Yeah, blimey what a turn up, eh? He thought he was gonna pull a Swede and she's got lumbered with a cabbage! Come on Albert, let's take a Toby home, we'll leave the keys of the car with the old saint here! Off you go.
Tata darling.
Best of luck girl, keep yer hand on yer pfennig! No Del! Alright, I tell you what I'm gonna do Michael, I'm gonna leave the phone here so that you can have a think about it and I'll give you a bell on it in the morning.
Alright son.
So, have you any idea where your hotel is? I do not have hotel! But I thought you said you were looking for a hotel? - Ja, I look for hotel.
- OhThere are no hotels in this area! This is what I think! So, I am nowhere? No, no, don't cry! Something'll turn up! Give us a bit of time to think! I have money! Put that away! Blimey, they'd chop your head off round here if you've got gold teeth! Please? This is dangerous place at night! The streets are bad place! - Ja, this is why I fear! - Come on, time to go home now - please.
Look, you could spend the night at our flat I suppose.
You know - if you want.
It ain't very much, but it's comfortable Well no, it ain't really comfortable.
You're more than welcome! - You could have my bed.
- But where will you sleep? Oh, we'll think of something.
Shall I take your case? Thank you.
Yeah, listen Kristos, everyone's got a cordless phone these days except you! What? No, of course they're not faulty! I said of course they're not faulty! D'you get that little bird home? Eh, yeah I got her home! See thing is Del, she didn't actually have a hotel to go back to! Alright Rodney - can't you see I'm on the phone.
What did you say - go on.
- So I said she could spend the night here! - What d'you mean, she can spend the night here? Come in Anna.
Yeah hello dar Alright Kristos, listen, I've got to go, I'll hang up because something big has just turned up.
Anna, this is my brother Derek.
Del, this is Anna.
- Good evening.
- Good evening, yeah.
- And this is our Uncle Albert.
- How do you do? - Hello dear, nice to meet you all! - May I sit down? Certainly.
Please put your bag down.
That's it - good girl.
D'you fancy a bit of 'addock? Hey, no, you're alright, we've already eaten.
I took her down the Star of Bengal.
D'you think a ruby was wise in her condition? Excuse me, excuse us.
Can I have a private word with you in private please, thank you.
Yeah, yeah sure.
I won't be a minute Anna.
Albert please try to entertain our guests! Shut the door.
Del, I couldn't help it, honest, I mean, how was I to know she was pregnant? 'How was I supposed to know she was pregnant?' It doesn't take a Doctor bleedin' Spock to work that one out Rodney! Look, I'll take her out tomorrow and get her a room, eh? What happens if that sprog of hers decides to clock in tonight? I don't want to worry you two boys, but unless I'm very much mistaken that young girl out there's up the duff! Why don't you go out an' hit an iceberg Albert? I don't understand this, I just don't know what's been happening to me just lately! I just do not know what's happening.
I've got more relatives crawling out the woodwork than Blake Carrington, and now I'm taking in the waifs and strays of Europe.
Ah, that's why we gotta help innit? We're in the European Community now, we've gotta stick together! Pity her knees didn't! Come on, we got room in the flat ain't we? I mean, it's only one more person.
Yeah, but it's one more person who's about to become two more persons! On the other hand it could be twins or triplets, or quadlets!! Yeah, he's right an' all.
I mean, she could be sitting out there with a bellyful of people! One hot bath and we get chucked out for overcrowding! No, I'm sorry Rodney, I'm sorry.
I can't take the risk.
Sorry, no! Alright, alright, we'll chuck her out in the street shall we? But you go an' give her the good news Del! Munchengladbach! We've hit a bit of a snag! I mean at the pacific moment in time, we are a bit knackered for space see.
- Please? - He says 'There is no room at the inn!' Don't start all that Sunday school rubbish with me Rodney.
Unt plonker, yah! - Please? - He's calling me a Don't matter.
Who did the dirty deed then? Please? He say, who's the father? Oi, that's a bit personal innit? Yeah, a bit personal.
Oh, father, yes, I understand.
Family I work with, Mr and Mrs Wainwright, have son, Spencer, who is the student.
One day Spencer return from university with degree ja? I'm not drink but this day I have the champagne.
Then I am spinning, ja? Then Spencer comes to my room.
He wants totowhat word? Oh, you mean he wants to - He wants to be my friend, ja? - What, while you were still spinning? Ja, I am still spinning! Then I find baby is here.
I phone Spencer and he say I must not tell his parents he is father.
But this morning, I am very worried and I tell them.
They say I lie, they say I am bad person.
Mr Wainwright say 'My disruptive influence on Spencer makes it inexpedient for me to remain!' - Please? - He say 'On yer bike!' - Oh! On yer bike.
- Mr Wainwright, he is aWhat word? Git? A businessman.
A rich man.
He give me money for journey home.
So why didn't you go? I cannot go yet.
My family will see baby.
This is not good! So I wait and when baby is born I give baby to people.
Yeah, yeah, if you think so sweetheart, yeah.
It's a terrible world this innit Rodney? Terrible.
Look, the best thingWhy don't you chuck this thing in your room for you know - for tonight.
Cheers mate.
Anna, listen, you go with Rodney through there and he will show you where you can kip tonight.
Yeah.
Thank you.
It's alright - here you are girl - let me help you.
I'll take these - straight through here.
Open the door - take that, take this as well.
Mind the batteries.
Yeah, mind that, alright? Goodnight now.
Night.
It's a funny old world innit? I mean, you take thousands of couples round the world all trying to have kids but can't! I remember my mate Nipper Townsend.
Years and years him and his wife dreamed of having a kid.
They never did though!! You got to take so many things into account, haven't you? Well, the temperature, the cycle, tight pants, all that! True! Course, Nipper being stationed in Malta didn't help! You seem to know a lot about all this medical malarkey! Yeah well, I get it off Boycie and Marlene don't ? You know Boycie, the second-hand car trader.
Yeah, well him and Marlene have been trying to have a little sprog for years but no joy.
They've had more tests you know than the atom bomb - still no good.
I mean they've tried to foster and adopt, no, nothing.
Funny that eh? Funny, they're stinking rich and yet with all that money they can't buy the one thing they most dearly love - a little baby! Yeah, that's the way the cookie bounces, eh? Yeah, I expect What's wrong? Eh? No, nothing, nothing.
No, I've just worked out everything could work out very very cushty! Come on Duke, get stick.
Come on Dukie.
- Ssay that again Del Boy?? - I said, I could help you have a baby! Well, what d'you mean? You're willing to be one of them suffragette fathers? No, no! I mean, I know where there's a baby going! What - knocked off? No, no, no, it's all pukka! You see, I know this young German girl.
She hadn't been in our green and pleasant land for no more than three months when she was suddenly taken pregnant! Oh that's lovely innit Marlene? A little while from now we could be awakened by the pitter-patter of tiny jackboots! Leave it out Boycie! Look, he'd be brought up as yours wouldnÂ’t he.
Anyway, the father is English, you see, the full story is Rodney met this girl in the pub little while ago Hang about! You mean that dipstick Rodney's the father? No, no, no, of course he ain't Boycie, leave it out.
What Rodney, blimey, he don't know what it's all about yet.
Haven't you seen the funny way he still stirs his tea? No, Rodney, take your leg out of that dog's mouth!! I despair of that boy - I really do.
The father is some sort of student geezer who's washed his hands of the whole affair like he don't know! Well him and me have got a lot in common, because I don't wanna know either! Hang on a minute Boyce.
Let's not be hasty.
I mean you are the one who's always going on about having a son and air.
And it is a boy.
I didn't think it had been born yet.
She's had a scan.
Let me show you something, look.
I borrowed a passport so I could show you.
There is a pisture of her, look.
Her name is Anna.
She's a beautiful girl, isn't she? She's bound to have a handsome kid.
And the student fella's father, is a very very successful bussinesman.
So the kid's gonna have everything, you know.
Good looks, brains, bussiness acument.
Just the sort of son that you'd need for your second hand empire Boycie.
We can at least talk about it Boycie.
Yeah, yeah, alright then love.
Just give us a couple of minutes, will you Del.
I think I've tired him out.
He's a rascal! What they doing? It's alright, nothing.
They're just having a bit of a chat.
Go and get yourself a little ale, and top me up while you're over there, alright.
- It is definitely a boy?? - Yep, definitely a boy! What's all that about? No, no, nothing, Boycie's thinking of getting a boat and I'm gonna get him some equipment see.
Oh, that sort of buoy! - This German bird, is she healthy? - Healthy? She's Boris Becker's cousin! What the bloody 'ells going on here Del? Alright, alright Rodney! I was gonna tell you, see Boycie and Marlene might have Anna's baby.
What!!! What is this, a raffle? Del, this is a tiny human being we're talking about!! This is flesh and blood.
It's Anna's child! Yes I know that Rodney, but Anna wants it adopted, and Boycie and Marlene want to adopt! Yeah, well, if that's what they want they can go to an adoption society? No, we've tried lots of times Rodney, but they always turn us down.
It's because of his record! Boycie did a little bit of a stretch when he was younger you know.
Oh yeah! What for? Perjury, embezzlement, conspiring to pervert the course of justice, the fraudulent conversion of travelerÂ’s cheques and attempting to bribe the Mayor of Lambeth! See, it's any little thing with these adoption people! Leave it out Boycie, with your record I'm surprised we're allowed to keep a dog! Yeah, but it's all in the past! I mean how many times have I gotta repay my debt to society?? Yeah, that's true.
I mean, don't a person deserve a second chance? WellYeah, that's fair enough.
And that's what we're gonna give this little baby! A second chance! A chance to live in this beautiful house.
A chance to have a loving father and a doting mother! And they don't come more doting than that! - I mean, even Duke's got a bib! - But it's illegal! What, giving a little baby love and warmth and a chance in life is against the law? I don't know, the welfare people gonna wonder where Anna's baby is? It's obvious innit? It's with its motherIn Germany!! I think we've cracked it at last Boycie.
Well, you can tell everybody it's our own child! I mean, we're always reading in the papers about women giving birth who didn't even know they were pregnant.
- It might raise a few eyebrows! - Well yeah, but they're only neighbours! I was thinking more of that gynecologist who examined you on Monday! I'll never have to see him again, will I? Just give us a minute Del.
Come on Boycie.
You're gonna earn out of this ain't yer? How dare you! That is a terrible thing to say!! What sort of bloke do you think I am?? I'm doing it for Anna and them two, but most important of all, I'm doing it for that little unborn baby.
- Oh look, I'm sorry.
- No, don't touch me.
But you are gonna earn out of it ain't yer? - Look.
That is a cruel and callous jibe.
- How much this all gonna cost? Only her airline ticket home, and of course money for the birth certificate and a few quid to cover our petrol and telephone calls Three grand should cover it, I should think.
- Tea up Del Boy! - Can't you see I'm busy? Got you, you Martian git! Let me see, re-set What's up with you? You know perfectly well what's up with me! Selling a baby.
God - it's like something out of Dickens' times! Rodney listen.
How many times has Boycie tucked me up, eh? That three grand isn't for the baby, it's just payment of old debts! It's most probably for the best son.
I mean, Anna gets her baby adopted by a loving family.
That's right.
Marlene gets the sprog she's always wanted.
- And you get three grand!!! - Exactly, everyone's a winner! Yeah, everyone, everyone except Anna! Au contraire Rodney, au contraire! Because as soon as old Boycie weighs in with the poppy I'm going straight down the bureau de change and I'm gonna get a few hundred translated for her! So that means that Anna is gonna go straight back to the Fatherland with 300 drachma in her bin! - She's in pain! - How'd you know, you can't speak German! - This is it! This is it! - No, no, no, it's not.
Maybe it's just indigestion! Listen to me - go in the kitchen and get a glass of water! Right! You ain't giving her Andrews are you? Don't be a plonker, now phone the hospital, get on the blower, don't forget, call the maternity unit! - I'll hold the lift.
I'll hold the lift.
- Yes.
Deep breaths!! Deep breaths!! How the bloody hell do these phones work??? Right listen, when did you start getting the pains darling? They come this morning.
This morning - don't worry, don't worry because the ambulance is gonna come any minute and don't worry.
Just relax, everything's gonna be cushty! How are you getting on? - It's alright darling.
- Danke.
That's alright.
Vorsprung durch Technik! Sit down Marlene, you're doing up the Wilton! Sit down Marlene!!!! The baby's alright, ain't he Del? Yes, yes, Marlene, for the umpteenth time.
You're gonna have a beautiful bouncing baby! What's he weigh? Dunno, he ain't stopped bouncing yet! Ain't stopped bouncing! - I don't know, seven pound something! - We've decided to call him Mark! That's handy, 'cos his Father's name was Spencer! They're back.
They're here.
Don't panic, alright? Calm down.
- Everything alright Rodders? - No, everything is not bloody alright! Boycie and Marlene are here.
Oh, are they here already? Have you told them about their little boy? - What about him? - About him being a little girl.
No, no, I haven't broken the news yet! How could that Anna do that to me? After all I've done for it! So what's wrong then? Well for one, Anna has fallen in love with her baby! But the most important thing She's done what? Oh no, she can't do that to me.
No she can't do - a deal's a deal! I'll sort it out.
Alright Albert? Alright, I'll sort it out.
- Here she is.
Hello sweetheart, how you feeling? - Oh, I am fine thank you.
Oh good.
I think maybe things are not cushty! I think maybe now I keep baby.
No, no, no.
You can't do that darling - no, no, no.
Because you know, we'll have the VAT people round here.
Come on, I'll explain everything.
Go on in, that's it, go on.
Put the baby down there.
First of all these are the very nice people who are gonna buyerm, erm, who are gonna look after your baby.
Someone upset her? No, no, no.
She's just got like baby blues that's all Just a minute Boycie, I'm gonna have to come clean, you see the thing is, it's about your little boy - he ain't.
- Ain't what? - Well, ain't a little baby boy.
What is it then? A little baby girl innit, eh? A girl? But you said she'd had a scan.
I know what I told you, alright Boycie.
I know I told you it was gonna be a boy but it ain't.
Just keep your money the deal's off right.
I don't care if it's a boy, a girl or twins! It's a baby.
Alright Marlene, we'll take it.
It's amazing innit? Everything you buy off him's got something missing! Alright, don't look at me like that.
What else could I do? No good asking me son.
I ain't never flogged a baby before.
Rodney, you know I was doing it for Anna weren't I? I was only tryin' help.
What do you want, applause?? Alright sorry Boycie, sorry mate.
Listen the deal's off, it's off alright.
Is that right Del? The deal's off is it? Too bleedin right it's off.
What are you talking about? What?! How?! That's the other thing I meant to tell you out there.
You see Spencer's mummy and daddy came over in 1956 from the West Indies.
- Well it don't bother me Boyce.
- Leave off Marlene.
The baby's brown.
So is Duke.
But I ain't claiming to be Duke's father.
- There is a likeness though.
- Just shut it.
We could say it's a throw-back.
For Gawd's sake Marlene.
I might be able to con people into buying my cars.
I might be able to convince 'em that you conceived and gave birth in seven days flat, but how the hell am I gonna persuade 'em that my grandad was Louis Armstrong!! You ain't heard the last of this Del Boy! I s'pose he's right, eh Del? You know it makes sense eh.
Still, it was a nice little dream while it lasted, eh? I'm gonna turn round now, I'm gonna walk out that door and I ain't gonna look back.
No, of course not.
Gawd, women.
Ssh Anna.
Anna come out here, your baby's hungry.
Quiet, quiet, your mummy's coming, yes she is.
Ain't you got bright eyes, eh? Look at that.
She's gonna be a blinder when she gets older, eh?