Only Fools and Horses (1981) s08e03 Episode Script

Time on Our Hands

Potatoes, garlic, lemon grass.
Lemon grass! Where am I gonna get lemon grass from? Oh to hell with it, we'll have to have it without lemon grass.
- What are you doing up this early? It’s only 6:30! - I couldn't sleep.
I'm worried about tonight.
You don’t have to worry, sweetheart.
It’s only your Mum and Dad coming for dinner.
It's not only my Mum and Dad coming for dinner.
Why, they’re bringing the neighbours and all, are they? I mean, it's not that simple! My parents and I didn't see each other for years, didn't even talk.
I know.
But you've kissed and made up now, ain't you? You and Damien, you went up there for the weekend at their house.
I know.
But now they're coming here! They've never been to the flat before.
I've never cooked for them before They've never met you before.
Exactly! I'll be right by your side.
What did you tell them about me? Well I said your name is Derek That's about it really.
Well, with a bloke like me that's all you need to know really, innit? - What are you gonna do us to eat? - Noisettes of lamb in red wine and cognac.
You don't need to go to that trouble, sweetheart, a bacon sandwich will do me Oh I see, that’s for tonight! Lamb in wine.
That’s gonna be lovely jubbly.
- Morning all.
- Morning, Unc.
And another thing.
You promised you'd get another table and some proper armchairs! - We can't eat at that thing.
- Alright.
It's taken care of, sweetheart.
Denzil's coming round later on, he’s gonna clear all this gear out and drop off the new stuff.
Anyway, I don't know why you're going to all this bother.
Really I don’t.
I said we could take 'em out for dinner.
I'm really well in with the manager at the local restaurant.
No, this is my home now and if my parents want me back in their lives they'd better get used to it.
Besides, Spudulike's always full on a Friday.
That’s true.
I'll get us some breakfast then, shall I? OK.
Will you check behind the bar and see if we've got any cognac? Yeah, we’ve got plenty of it.
Albert, what do you want? Well, if we're starting early I'll have a cognac as well.
No, you old git.
That's for tonight! Will you tell Raquel to stop worrying and fussing about this meal tonight? You've got nothing to worry about, love.
We'll all lend a hand.
You do the meat and I'll do the gravy.
That’s alright, and I'll do the veg.
I'm a dab hand with a pint of water and a bucket of cabbage.
The only thing we've gotta worry about is whether that bloody lift’s working.
Broke down twice this week.
We can't have Cassandra climbing up all those stairs, not after what she's been through.
- Are her and Rodney coming to dinner? - Well, I invited them.
- But the way they are at the moment, who knows.
- I hope they do - they need to get out.
What d'you mean? Rodney's out every night! He's got a lot on his mind, Raquel.
He's got a lot on his mind? And how do you think Cassandra feels? She's the one who had the miscarriage! She needs her husband by her side, not out drinking in some pub or club.
Yes, I know! But she's a woman, isn't she? She's stronger than Rodney.
I mean, I've known Rodney all his life.
He's always had this problem about facing up the things that hurt him.
What he tends to do is walk away and pretend it isn't happening.
That's what he's doing now.
But as soon as he gets it off his chest he's gonna be fine.
Don’t worry, I’ll get it.
Trotters Independent Traders Hello, Cassandra! Cor, you’re up early? Why are you doing that for? You what? Oh, right! Rodney was only out again last night.
Didn’t get home 'til the early hours.
I know, you were with him! You better talk to her.
You talk to her, will ya? - I'll take it in the kitchen.
- Yeah, alright.
- What Rodney needs is a counter-worry.
- You what? - During the - If you say 'during the war' once more, I’m gonna pour this cup of tea right over your head! - I wasn't going to say during the war! - Well that’s allright, then.
- Bloody little know all.
- Alright.
I’m sorry.
During the 1939-1945 conflict with Germany… I was sailing on a frigate, HMS Sphinx, in the Adriatic.
Now in those days a ship's crew was full of stress and fear.
I’m not surprised when they saw you walking up the gangplank! So our old skipper, Captain Kenworthy, used to allay all those fears by creating a counter-worry.
Like one day he announced there was a cholera epidemic on the ship.
Rally? That must have cheered you all up, didn't it? It took their minds off the U-boats and the sharks.
It's a good job your Captain Kenworthy didn’t join the Samaritans.
Otherwise you wouldn't be able to get a barge under Chelsea Bridge for falling bodies! He's still the same.
Cassandra said he's even stopped going to see the Councillor at the hospital.
Well, Albert reckons that we ought to tell Rodney that there's a cholera epidemic in Peckham - …and that should get him out of his mood.
- I said give him a counter-worry.
Look, if Rodney thought a close friend or a relative was ill he'd start worrying about them and stop worrying about himself.
Yeah, I see.
So when that person became better Rodney would have forgotten what he was worried about in the first place.
It's worth a try.
- It's got to be someone he really cares for.
- Damien.
- How can you ask a five year old to act ill? - I could pretend to be ill.
Yes, but how would he know the difference? It's gotta be me, innit? That’s him now.
Alright, we give it a will.
We’ll give it a try.
I’m ill, alright? - Morning.
- Morning, son.
How's Cassandra? Fine, thank you.
Good – morning - Rodney.
How are you? I’m alright.
- Del's not very well, Rodney.
- Oh, I'll go home then.
That’s alright, I might make a recovery.
We called a doctor in last night.
I bet that you're wondering what he said, aren’t you? What? He said I would live, but he didn’t recommend it.
I'm really worried, Rodney.
Has he ever suffered with pleurisy? Only when he tries to spell it.
- I'll make a pot of tea.
- Alright, sweetheart.
Oi, Raquel.
I’ll have a cup.
Raquel, can I have a cup of tea too, please? It's alright.
I'll get it.
Thank you Rodney.
Rodney? Thank you Rodney.
That uncaring little git! I could be on me last knockings here and he doesn’t care if I've got yellow fever or foot-fungus! Alright, Rodders? What you up to? Cataloguing our stock.
I'm gonna put all of this on computer.
On computer? We've had this discussion before.
That’s dangerous.
That means anyone could hack in and find out what we've got.
If we found someone was hacking into our computer all the police would have to do is go and arrest Mr Bean! I mean, look, these are the entire records for Trotters Independent Traders.
I began filing 'em when I first started working for you 16 years ago.
But you told me to stop it.
Because we don't need it, do we? ‘Cause it's all up here.
I mean squirrels, they ain’t got computers but they know where their nuts are.
Well, I'm gonna make a note of everything.
And I'm gonna chuck a lot of this junk out.
You be careful.
One man's junk is another man's treasures.
Derek, we have got a pile of Showaddywaddy LPs under a tyre for a Triumph Herald and an artificial limb.
These are not gonna make big news on The Antiques Roadshow! These LPs, they’re collectors items.
Well let's see if we can find a one-legged Showaddywaddy freak and flog them to him! And if he turns up in a Triumph Herald we've had a result! Rodney, what is the matter with you? - What is the matter with me? - Yes! - Didn't anybody tell ya? - Rodney, I’m sorry… My wife was rushed to hospital a fortnight ago and we lost There's nothing wrong with me, Del, right? Everything's hunky dory.
Rodney, I'm sorry.
I didn’t mean that.
I had a dream a few weeks ago.
I dreamt you and Damien ruled the world.
- Oh yeah? - Yeah.
You owned companies, corporations, conglomerates everywhere It was horrible! - What d'you mean? - You know what I was? The messenger! You and Damien were presidents and chairmen and I was a bloody messenger! And then I thought, hold on, maybe it’s not a dream, maybe it's a prophecy.
You know, like in the Bible when King David saw seven fat cows and seven skinny ones.
No, that just sounds like he's come out of the Nag's Head disco! Seven fat cows and seven… I mean, nothing’s ever gone right for me, has it? I know what you mean, Rodders.
I'd love a bit of good luck, Del.
Not just for me, for all of us.
I just wish something good would turn up.
So would everyone, Rodney.
That's why they’re all out there doing the Lottery, ain’t they? I mean, if it were up to me, what I’d like to do… I’d like to be able to say that was life's lucky dip.
I’d like to just go, da daaa.
There it is, look, that is gonna change our lives.
But it won’t, will it, eh? ‘Cause life is not like that.
Have you made any attempt to discuss this with Cassandra? Del, will you just leave it alone? I'm only tryin' to help, Rodney.
You can't keep walking away from this.
I am not walking away from it! Look, you get the lift, I'll take the stairs.
Hang about.
Look, it's here now Don’t bother.
Come on, look it’s here.
Alright, I won't mention it again.
Look at the state of this lift! What's going on in their brains? Just a bunch of half-heads, ain't they? Look! 'Del Boy is a sex machine'.
Who'd write something like that? I don’t know! 'Rodney Trotter' The lying gits! What's happening? It's broken down.
The lift, it's broken down… The poxy bleeding council.
It’s broken down, that’s the matter with me! - Press the alarm button.
- I'll do it! I’ll press the alarm button.
It's broken! It’s not working either now.
Come on up here!.
There’s a couple of blokes here trapped in the lift! Alright, alright! There's no need to get in a lather about it.
Someone will press for the lift in a minute, realise it's not working and call the engineers.
- We'll be out soon.
- I just don't like being closed in like this.
- I never knew you were claustrophobic.
- I'm not! I just don't like being closed in like this! Del, come on, sit down on the floor and relax.
They'll be here in a minute.
Yeah, yeah, sit down, take it nice and easy, calm down, just calm down, will ya? ‘Cause the oxygen, right, falls down to the bottom, and this way we get cleaner air.
Yeah! Good, good! Your lifts are broken again! We had to carry that stuff up 12 flights of stairs.
Del said him and Rodney'd be here to help.
Se where are they? Don’t know.
Listen Raquel, it's not my fault.
Del asked me to deliver that table and to store this stuff in my lock-up.
And the table and chairs are only on hire, they've gotta go back by Monday.
They're having a posh do at the town hall.
- They're not here yet, are they? - Give 'em time.
Sit down, take it easy.
Yeah, alright.
Take it easy.
Let's play a game.
Play a game? You got a ball in your pocket or something? - A different sort of game.
I Spy.
- I Spy? Yeah.
Go on, you can go first.
Alright then! I spy with my little eye something beginning with W.
Walls? Walls.
That's right.
There, that's the end of that game then, innit? - Alright, you choose the game.
- Alright then.
What about hide and seek? I never thought I'd see you like this! You're acting like a big kid just ‘cause we're trapped in a lift for a while.
Yeah, well you don't know how I feel! I feel I feel sort of frightened! You don't know what that's like! I don't know what it's like? How d'you think I've felt for the last couple of weeks since Cassie since what happened? I don't know.
I don't know how you've felt, Rodney.
Well, I'll tell you, frightened ain't the word! - D'you know what I did the other night? - No, but I bet it was depressing! I sat and read my diaries from when I was a school kid.
See, I was right! No, not quite.
I actually noticed moments of hope within those pages.
I mean there weren't many, just the occasional oasis of promise in a desert of pessimism.
They was simple hopes, as you'd expect for someone of my age.
I hoped for, hairs… hoped I'd do well in my exams… I even hoped for a good job when I left school.
Well, you got hairs, didn't you? Think how Right Said Fred must feel.
Me and Cass were so happy, Del.
We were looking forward and all we could see in front of us was this big wide highway and we were just cruising down it, and… all of the sudden it came to a shuddering halt.
Just like this poxy lift.
Suddenly 'Happy Families' became 'Dungeons and Dragons'.
And I've never felt sodding pain like that in all my life.
- Is Cassandra hurting? - Well of course she is! How do you know? You haven't talked to her about it.
No, and do you know why? It’s because it's because It's almost like if I don't talk about it, it might not be true.
- But it is.
- I know! I know.
But if I don't say it - If you don't say what? - We lost our baby! But you did.
And you have said it.
I said it! You just shield yourself from it, you know.
I've just been lying, ain't I? Yes.
And what about Cassandra? Not her.
Cassandra can't tell a lie.
Raquel can, the moment one leaves my lips.
Both those lifts have broken down again! - Is this the stuff Del was talking about? - Yes.
Cassie seemed so fragile.
I wanted to cuddle her and talk to her about it, but… I was frightened I might sort of break her.
She's strong, Rodney.
Look, it's just a dropped stitch in life's tapestry.
That's what mum used to say.
What do I say to her, Del? Well, you tell her exactly what you told me.
You can leave out the bit about the hairs, if you like.
You go home right now and have a heart to heart, alright? And while you're there, you ask her if she wants to come round for dinner tonight.
- I can’t mate, I’ve got a real problem with that.
- What is it? - I’m stuck in a bloody lift! - Oh yeah.
Let's have another look at this thing, shall we? - Your claustrophobia cleared up quick, didn't it? - Yeah, I got over the worst of it.
Almost as quick as that flu you had this morning.
Well, these things come and go, don't they? Look at what this little switch does, here.
You git! You stopped it! It was the only way I could get you talking! You can't run away in a broken lift.
You git! You git! Come here.
Alright? Come on! What else, what else? I'm bound to have forgotten something.
Calm down.
Everything's fine.
You'll have a hot flush in a minute.
I'm just so nervous something will go wrong Del, please don't use any of your French phrases to my parents.
How’s that, sweetheart? Aren't they up on the old French lingo, or what? No The meat! I'll get a wine out of the fridge.
Well, everything seems to be going according to plan.
Damien! Don't do that! Dear, oh dear.
Look, it's only plastic, you'll break it.
- I've made the gravy and put it in the bottom oven.
- Thank you, Albert.
Damien, you go and sit round there, alright? Go on, that’s a good boy.
Right! Now remember, we’ve gotta go girl-boy, girl-boy, girl-boy and uncle Albert.
- What’s that? - Oh God! Calm down the lot of you.
I'll answer the door.
Lot of good you'd have been on the Russian convoys.
Good evening.
Please come in.
- You must be Raquel's parents.
- Yes.
My wife Audrey, and I'm James.
Lovely to meet you.
Please follow me.
- She did say he was older than her.
- I know, but - Hi Mum, Dad.
- Darling.
- Nanny, Grandad! - Watch out, here comes trouble! Mum, Dad, this is Derek's brother.
Rodney, and his wife, Cassandra.
James and Audrey.
- Lovely to meet you.
- Pleasure.
- And this is my this is Derek.
- Au revoir.
Oh you're Derek.
We thought that We thought we thought you were busy working this evening.
Oh no, not this evening.
Not on a special occasion like this.
As it is a special occasion I've bought this rather nice bottle of Porto.
It's 15 years old.
Thank you.
15 years old? We'll have to watch that, it might have acne! OK, let’s get started.
Shall we start with a nice little aperitif? I'm knocking them bandy, ain’t I? Right, there’s the gravy.
- Rodney, would you fill the wine glasses, please? - Yes of course.
More wine Audrey? - Thank you.
- James? No, I don't think I should.
I've got to drive back to the hotel tonight.
Why don't you get a cab back, pick up the car in the morning? - What do you think? - It's your decision.
What the hell.
Pour away, Rodney.
Yes, that's the spirit, you know it makes sense.
You can always leave your car outside On second thoughts we'd better put the car in our garage.
Is it not safe outside? Well, not if you've become attached to your wheels it's not.
There we go, look, excuse the fingers.
I'm just gonna get another bottle of wine.
So why don’t you all… Chappelle Audent? - So Albert was in the navy? - Very much so.
I was in the Royal Navy myself, - You and Albert shall have to have a chat.
- After we've gone home! It’s going really well out there.
Have them coming, open another bottle of wine.
- What are you doing? - I've made the coffee.
What do you mean, you made the coffee? It's too early.
They haven’t finished their mains yet! It don't usually take us that long to finish our dinner, does it? I know that.
That’s because we're not galloping down a Big Mac and chips, are we? We've got guests, we're taking our time we’re savouring the food and the ambience, we're sipping the wine and we're conversing.
Out there, they're having a chat between each mouthful.
It's sophisticated, it's civilised OK, don’t worry.
I'll whack this in the microwave.
Oi! Just a minute.
What coffee d'you make this with? That jar over there.
This ain't coffee, smell it! It's bloody gravy! Yeah, that's gravy.
It's not my fault, it's them jars! Look at 'em! How am I supposed to tell the difference? I’ll tell you how to tell the difference! This one has on the label Maxwell House Coffee and this label says Oxo gravy granules! That’s a bit of a giveaway, innit? - Well, I was in a hurry and I got mixed up.
- I’ll mix you up in a minute.
Wait a minute.
If you've made gravy in the coffee pot… what are they pouring over their dinners in there? - This looks lovely darling.
- Yeah looks great, Raquel.
Thank you.
- Alright? - Wonderful.
They’re only doing it.
They're only out there doing it now! They're pouring Maxwell bleedin' House over their lamb noisettes and veg.
I don't believe you! Not only have you managed to sink every aircraft carrier and battleship that you ever sailed on, but now you've gone and knackered the gravy boat! - What are we gonna do? - Well, I ain't having any of it! Not yet, darling, wait for Daddy.
So, how long were you in the navy, Albert? Over 50 years, man and boy.
Started in the merchant, went on to the Royal then back to the merchant.
- Amazing.
You must have some stories to tell.
- Oh God yes.
Sorry about that, couldn’t get the cork out of the wine.
- Del? - No! No, thank you.
I'm trying to give it up.
- Albert? - Not for me, dear.
Oh yes, you’ll have some! You know how you like your gravy.
Don’t ya? You git! Are you a naval man, Derek? No.
No James, I'm more of a leg man myself.
No, Dad meant were you in the navy? No, I wasn’t actually, James.
Though when I was younger I did consider a career in the services.
Everything alright, Mum? This is horrible! I hope you won't be offended darling, but I'm rather full up.
Same here! No, no, come on, we’ve got afters to come yet.
We’ve got mandarin segments and Instant Whip! - No, I feel not that hungry.
- So am I.
Alright Well, I'll fetch the coffee.
- Ahoy there, Jimbo.
- Morning, Derek Rodney.
How are you this morning? Oh fine.
Had a bit of a jippy tummy last night.
Well, thanks for looking after the car.
Mange-tout, mange-tout, mon plaisir.
So this is your Aladdin’s cave I've heard so much about? Yes, this is it.
As I was saying Jim, you and I are in the same sort of business.
I mean, you're an antiques dealer and I've… got some interesting things.
Yes! Well, must dash, long journey.
You must come and visit us sometime.
Yes I will, you bet.
Now, you mind how you go, eh? - What's that? - It's a gas stove.
No, I mean on top of it.
Oh, that's just an old watch I got out of a house clearance years ago.
I’ll tell you what I have got.
I've got some very nice Showaddywaddy LPs.
- Good Lord! - Yeah, I know, it’s filthy, innit eh? Rodney, have you got any of that WD40 there? We’ll get this thing wiped up.
No, I mean, it has the name 'Harrison' engraved in it.
You see that? 'Harrison.
AD 1774'.
How did you come by this watch, Derek? Well, it was about 15, 16 years ago.
There was this old girl down Deptford way.
She owned a pawn shop.
Anyway she died, no family, so they sold off the shop and her landlord asked me to clear out her house.
I found that -and a lot of other rubbish- up in the loft.
- Why, is it any good then? - Good? John Harrison was just about the finest watch-maker of his time.
Of any time.
If this is what I’m beginning to think it is, God I’m shaking… Why, you didn’t have that much to drink last night, did ya? Have you any proof that this watch is your property? A receipt, something like that.
No, you see, I don't keep receipts, they just clutter the place up - Do you reckon that’s worth something then? - Assuming it’s not a copy, yes.
Hold on.
16 years ago? That's when I started working for you.
Yes thank you, Rodney, could we leave ‘This Is Your Life’ to Michael Aspel! I meant, I used to keep files then.
You see, Derek, I’ve always been very keen on horology.
I thought it was too good to be true.
Now he's gonna tell our bloody fortune.
- No, horology.
It means he’s an expert in watches.
- Oh, that sort of horology.
I've got it.
A receipt from the landlord.
For two paintings, four jugs, one rocking chair, one silver fob watch engraved 'Harrison'.
Good boy, Rodders.
What have I always told you? I’ve always said ‘always keep the receipts’.
You never know when they’re coming handy.
You read down hear? Victorian wa… Yes, thank you very much, Rodney.
There you are, Jimbo.
This is marvellous.
I've never been so excited.
I bet Audrey had a blinding honeymoon then! What exactly do you think it is then? I'm almost too frightened to say! To put it simply.
Back in the early seventeen hundreds sea captains found it almost impossible to plot their positions once out of sight of land.
Until John Harrison invented the first accurate marine timekeeper.
to tell seafarers exactly where they were on the globe.
He went on to make many of these instruments, and we know the whereabouts of all of them… except the last one, the Lesser Watch as he called it.
We have the designs for the piece but the watch itself was never found.
People have been searching for it for over 300 years.
You don't think that's it, do you? - If it is, Rodney… God! - Blimey! So next thing we know, Raquel's old man's been on the phone to us.
And he showed it to some experts and it's only kosher.
This is the watch that's been missing for over 300 years? Yes, the Harrison Lesser Watch.
So what is it? It's a watch! It's more than that.
It lets you know exactly where you are anywhere in the world.
How did it get lost then? I don't know how it got lost! It just did.
If I hadn’t realised it's full value and rescued it, it could have ended up anywhere! Yeah, like chucked on top of an old gas cooker.
- And it's gonna be auctioned? - That's right.
This afternoon, 2:30 at Sothebys.
So, how much do you reckon it's worth, then? They don't know.
‘Cause nothing like this has ever come on the market before.
- Could be 10 grand.
- Yeah, 15! Well, on your way back from the auction drop by my showrooms.
I've got a lovely couple of Skodas at five grand each.
You won't be laughing like that when we come back this afternoon.
So you two could be famous then, well, amongst watchmakers.
Yeah, why not.
We discovered it.
And as Andy Warhol said, 'Everyone will be famous for 15 minutes'.
How can everyone be famous for 15 minutes? There's not enough time in the world, is there? No, no.
He didn't mean everyone would be famous! He was generalising upon modern society.
You know, people became famous for a little while then they disappear.
- Like Rene and Renatta, Simon Dee.
- Or Ghandhi.
So see maybe this time it's our Ghandhi? Yeah.
I mean, he made one great film and then you never saw him again.
No, let's go.
Let’s go.
- Is that ours, Rodney? - Don't be stupid! Sold at 45,000.
Paddle number 674.
Now we come to lot 73.
A solid silver pocket marine timekeeper.
This was found in London by two brothers.
Unfortunately they held on the piece for 16 years believing it to be a Victorian egg-timer.
This is quite simply the most significant discovery in horological terms of this century.
The watch has been authenticated and accepted by all the leading experts as being the last watch ever made by John Harrison.
It is the fabled H6, the until now mythical 'Lesser Watch'.
Now, I feel I need say no more and I'd like to start the bidding at 150,000 pounds.
Oh dear.
It was when he said 150,000.
That’s when I came over really bad, me.
It went on, Del.
200,000, 250, 3.
That's when I dragged you out.
You mean it ended up at 300,000 pounds? - It's still going on! - Well come on, let's get back up there.
The bid stands at four million pounds.
So, what was the final outcome? It was bought by an anonymous bidder.
He's giving it to the Maritime Museum at Greenwich.
So, at least it stays in the country.
Oh, that’s nice, innit? No, you Wally! What was the final score? What exactly did it go for? So that’s just over 3 million each.
- Well we've had worse days, haven't we? - Oh yeah You want to go first or should I? - Why don’t we go together? - Yeah, alright.
One, two, three.
Bring your family down.
Have your photograph taken next to it.
It’s beautiful though, ain’t it Rodders, eh? Luxury and style.
- Very me, don’t you think? - Yeah! - Buy it! - Yeah, shall I? - You like it.
Buy it! - No, no.
Not until that cheque is cleared.
I've got a terrible feeling that this whole deal's gonna go pear-shaped.
Del, we're dealing with Sotheby's and the Greenwich museum, not Ronnie and Reggie! But I mean, if this goes tits-up I'm landed with a 70 grand debt, ain’t I? Yeah, take your point.
Well, go on in, you sit in the nice car, see if it suits you.
Yeah, alright then.
I will.
Yes, my son.
Oh, yes! That Rolls Royce out there.
I wanna buy it.
That’s a good one, Rodney! Tell me, what drugs are you on this week? - There you go.
It's yours.
- You what? The Roller.
It's yours.
I've just bought it for you.
- You bought this Roller for me? Why? - A little present.
Just to say thanks.
- Yes sir, what can I get you? - Champagne all round.
Hold on! I think we’ve left our wallets at home again.
Please sir, that is not a problem.
- On the slate, Mike? - On the house, Del! No, no, Michael, we'll pay our way.
And while we're at it, I’ll have all your sandwiches! - That’s it.
Go get them.
- Let me look where me money is.
No, no Rodney.
I'll get the sandwiches, ‘cause you bought the Rolls.
Yes! - Del Boy.
It's time to get up.
It's 7:30.
- Yeah, alright mum.
It's your fault if you've got a hangover.
You can't have today off.
You're taking your eleven plus.
I never raised a hand to your mother Rodney, except in self-defence.
Your dad always said that one day Del Boy would reach the top but then again he used to say that one day Millwall would win the cup.
- Alright? - Yeah.
What you doing here? Raquel phoned, said you'd gone missing.
I said ‘wait for the ransom note to arrive’ but she said ‘go and find him’, so… I guessed you’d be here.
I'm just taking one last look at the old place, Rodney.
Funny, innit, just think of all them years, you know… Us scrimping and scraping.
Going out in all-hours, just trying to earn a few bobs so we could put a bit of grub on the table.
And all the time down in that garage we had this famous thing, worth 6 million quid.
Yeah, that crossed my mind and all! Still! You put the flat on the market yet? No, not yet.
I just didn’t have the heart to.
You know, I wanted to think about Mum and Granddad.
I'll do it in a couple of weeks, you know.
I’ll give it to some estate agent.
You know, I’ll let them have the carpet.
Yeah, they won’t mind.
Talking about that, I called into the travel agents the other day.
Booked us all a holiday in Barbados.
My treat.
- Nice.
Flying first class? - Concorde.
Even better.
Shame about Albert's boat, weren't it? What a stupid place to put a bridge, Rodney.
I thought that right over a river like that - So how are you? - Me? Just… Wonderful, you know.
Everything’s coming up roses.
Alright, what's wrong? I always wanted to be a millionaire, Rodney.
I always wanted a Rolls-Royce and a big house in the country - and jet off to the Caribbean and all that.
- Well, you've got it.
I know.
But it's not like I thought it would be.
All the dreaming and the scheming and the chasing and the trying… …that was the fun part, you know? It was dangerous, it was impossible.
It was like Columbo sailing away to find America, not knowing whether he was gonna fall off the edge of the world.
That's how I used to feel.
Well, you fell off a couple of times, didn't you? Once a month, bruv.
Once a month regular.
You know, now I've done it, now I’ve achieved what I wanted.
The chase is finished.
The hunt is over.
What am I gonna do now? Learn to play golf? Well, you've got the trousers for it at least.
Look, why don't you just enjoy your retirement? ‘Cause I don't wanna enjoy my retirement.
I wanna feel like I used to feel, all eager and alive.
I want something exciting to happen.
Dear oh dear? What are you doing, unc? I thought you was a ghost! He never got the hang of this haunting lark, did he? What you two doing here? Well, never mind what us two are doing here.
What are you doing here? Well, I just come back to pick up a few of me belongings.
I thought I'd have one last look at the flat before you sell it.
Yeah, well, we've had a good look, eh? Come on, let's lock up and go.
I must have forgot to tell British Telecom that we’re gone.
Yeah, hello? Who? Hello Lennie, how you doing, pal? Alright? Lennie Norris.
You do what? Really? Hang on.
He's got 250 electronic carpet steamers.
Now listen, they retail at a 115 quid, he's gonna let us have them for 25 nicker.
Del, we're not in the business any more.
I know.
Rodney, we can double our money on this.
Derek, can you hear me over those trousers? We are not in the business anymore, mate! Hello, Lenny.
No, we're not interested.
Trotters Independent Traders has ceased trading.
Tell you what.
Fancy going down to the Golden Dragon for a Chinese? Yeah.
I'm feeling a bit peckish now you mention it.
- Yeah, I could do a sweet and sour something.
- Yeah, alright.
I’ll tell you what, Rodders.
Let’s leave the cars here, shall we, and… - …just take a toddle.
- Yeah, alright.
- Mange Dieu, Mange Dieu, what a fool I've been - What's wrong now? Well, here I am thinking now we've got all this money that spells like the end of it.
But it don't, does it? It's like the beginning.
Because for the first time in our lives we've got money to invest! - No! - Dangerous business, investment! Come on Rodders.
You remember all those years you used to say to me… - …'Del Boy, we should be investing’.
- No! No I never said that! Well, it must have been me then.
I remember it was one of us that got it right.
Now we can invest big-time in the futures market.
- We can get into Hong Kong, Singapore, Peking.
- I don’t want to invest, alright? Rodders, have I ever let you down? Yes! A couple of years ago when you told me I'd won a holiday in a painting competition but forgot to mention that, for an entire week, I would have to pretend to be 14.
That's always been your problem, Rodney.
You’re always dwelling on the past.
- Mum said to me on her deathbed - Oi! Don't start on about Mum and her deathbed! She said to me on her deathbed, she said to me…'Del Boy, if ever you and little Rodney become rich, you must invest in the futures market!' You liar! ‘Cause there wasn't a futures market when Mum was alive! Now, what you don’t see, that shows you what a visionary she was! Come on Rodney, this is our big chance.
He who dares wins! This time next year we could be billionaires! NVL