Only Fools and Horses (1981) s09e01 Episode Script

If They Could See Us Now...!

# Stick a pony in me pocket # I'll fetch the suitcase from the van # 'Cause if you want the best 'uns # But you don't ask questions # Then, brother, I'm your man # 'Cause where it all comes from is a mystery # It's like the changing of the seasons and the tides of the sea # But here's the one that's driving me berserk: # Why do only fools and horses work? # La-la la-la la # La-la la-la la # La-la la-la la la-la la-la la # What's up with you, Rodney? I'm a bit nervous, that's all.
I mean, this bloke we're gonna see, this Justin.
He's not going to ask me about my private life, is he? Of course he ain't.
Well, not that private.
He won't want to know about you and Cassandra's little problems.
No, no.
'Cause otherwise I What problems? Me and Cassandra haven't got any problems.
That's not what you said to me.
So there's been one or two minor hiccups in the bedroom department, but they're personal and I told you in confidence.
All right.
I'm not going to be telling him about your thongs and things.
I won't say what Cassandra wears either.
Sorry to keep you.
It's been a particularly busy morning.
I've got all the basic details about your business career, but I'd like to get an insight into the real you.
How you started, how you became so successful, but more importantly, your lives and your "raison d'etre".
Oh, yeah.
"Laboratory Garny.
" So, in your own words and in your own time.
Well, where shall I start, Justin? Well, up to a few years ago, we were just very ordinary people living very ordinary lives.
Weren't we, Rodney? Mmm.
And then, as you know, one day I discovered an historic and almost priceless artefact.
At first we didn't know what to do with it.
That's right.
We thought about donating it to the British Museum.
And then we decided to flog it.
So before you know it, Rodders and me have come into nigh on six and a half million quid.
Well, after we divvied the dosh up - making sure our Uncle Albert got a nice little drink.
But we thought of others first.
We donated to charity - anonymously, of course.
So, eventually, we had to start thinking about our future.
So we sought out this City stockbroker and he advised us to invest in a new and vibrant venture.
The Central American market.
It was attracting massive funds.
We were making more money than the Royal Mint.
But we weren't flash.
Oh, no, no.
We weren't flash.
When we went away on business, we took the family with us.
There would be me and Raquel - my significant other - and, of course - Rodney, Cassandra.
- Cheers.
And not forgetting my young son Damien.
He's a lad, in't he, eh? # She's into superstition # Black cats and voodoo dolls # I feel a premonition # That girl's gonna make me fall # She's into new sensations # New kicks and candlelight # She's got a new addiction # For every day and night # Oh, Mr Trotter.
It's good to see you again.
Bonnet de douche, Dominique.
Bonnet de douche.
Del, you've got to have a word with Damien.
- People are complaining.
- Oh, no.
What's he done now? He's weed in the swimming pool.
Leave it out, Cassandra.
All little boys do a Johnny Cash in the pool.
Yes, but not from the top of the four-metre diving board.
The little git.
# To make you go insane All right! # Upside inside out # She's living la vida loca # She'll push and pull you down # Living la vida loca # Well, this is the bizzo, ain't it, Rodders? It's not too bad, is it? Old Uncle Albert would love it here, eh? Yeah.
Mind you, bet your life he's been here before! He's happy down on the coast, right next door to the sea.
And he's living in sin with old Elsie Partridge - his "girlfriend".
His girlfriend! Do me a favour! I heard she cut the ribbon on the opening of Stonehenge! At least we don't get the Battle of the Baltic every night.
- "During the war" - "During the war" Come on, Rodders.
I feel lucky tonight.
Del, I can't, mate.
- What? - I promised Cassandra.
No gambling, no discos, no talking to women and no boozing.
What she meant was not to excess.
You're not on probation, are you? I'll treat us to a few bottles of champagne to get us started.
- "During the war" - "During the war" "I was aboard this battle cruiser" And then, just as everything seemed to be going so well # Her lips are devil red # Her skin's the colour mocha # She will wear you out # Something something terrible happened.
Chateauneuf du Pape! Negotiations between the Central American countries had collapsed.
We was wiped out.
Nicht a coin.
We'd even paid for the hotel on a credit card - a credit card which had now been withdrawn.
But Derek is, if nothing else, a very creative businessman, and he came up with a solution to our dilemma.
(MUSIC: "LA VIDA LOCA") Monsieur Trotter! Your bill! Right.
It's time to go.
Follow me, gentlemen.
How long did it take the news to hit the UK? As long as it took to push a button on the Internet.
Suddenly, all our "business associates" wouldn't return our calls.
We were in the financial wilderness.
Fortunately, we come from a strong community, and when our old friends from Peckham heard the news they was as gutted as us.
Weren't they? (SNIGGERING) There's a name that crops up every now and then.
Michael Fisher.
Landlord of a public house - the Nag's Head, Peckham.
What part did he play in the proceedings? Well, Mike invested his life savings in our venture.
He remortgaged the pub.
Will Mr Fisher give evidence? No.
He's in prison.
He's awaiting trial.
The Fraud Squad claims that he tried to recoup his losses by embezzling the brewery.
Never was a man more innocent.
I take it Mr Fisher will be pleading not guilty? No.
He confessed to everything.
For Gawd's sake, sit down! You're wearing the marble out! I can't help it! I've never been a character witness before.
And you think we have? I'm worried.
Del's made a terrible mistake.
Of course he's made a terrible mistake.
That's why he's in court.
I mean having you four as character witnesses.
It's like inviting the Manson Family to dinner.
I saw Del and Rodney earlier.
They seemed confident.
They've arranged to meet Raquel and Cassandra to celebrate, so I'd avoid Pizza Hut if I were you! Del was not confident.
He was deeply worried.
He didn't even touch me up.
- I've got most to worry about.
- Why? I'm managing the Nag's Head till Mike is released.
But how exactly do I know what he got up to? Yeah.
How does Sid know Mike didn't post-date his fiddles so the police think they're Sid's? There's nothing to be nervous about.
All you've got to do is tell the truth.
Trig, if I go in there and tell the truth, Del and Rodney will spend the next five years sharpening Jeffrey Archer's pencils.
What are you going to do, Trig? I'm gonna tell 'em I hear voices.
Trig, you're not on trial, you're a character witness.
I know, but I hear voices.
Oh, Gawd, it's gonna be one of them days.
I notice that your properties were company owned, - so you both lost your homes? - Yes.
I had a lovely place on the river.
Well, I had an estate with peacocks and everything.
Anyway, at least we weren't homeless.
Due to my foresight some years previously, I had bought another property.
So we had somewhere to live.
It's called our old flat, Nelson Mandela House! That just goes to show how our fortunes altered.
- Suddenly, everything changed.
- Yeah.
All our good luck turned to bad.
Every day there was more rows, there was more bad news.
We thought things couldn't possibly get worse.
Boy, how wrong we were.
(AUDIENCE CHEER) Good evening.
Welcome to the quiz show everyone is talking about.
This is the fastest game show on TV.
This is Monday, this is Jonathan Ross, and this is Goldrush! It's no good looking at me with that Anne Robinson face.
I'll look at you any way I like.
At least I am trying to do something about it.
What exactly are you doing? - I'm after a stockbroker.
- You've got a stockbroker.
That's the one I'm after! Why didn't he tell me the market was going to crash? He phoned you at least six times.
He said he had to speak to you urgently, but you were too busy.
Well, I was water skiing.
You wasted our birthright! And then Trotter's Independent Traders hired a helicopter to fly to Nice to collect magazines.
Unbelievable! That was you! Oh, yeah.
Well, I'm a big man.
I've got broad shoulders.
The buck stops here.
I take full responsibility.
Even though it was Rodney's fault.
Me?! How the hell was it my fault? You were the company's Director of Administration.
That meant organising the Christmas parties.
They were about as exciting as a Buddhist hen night.
You were the Managing Director, the Chairman, the Chief Executive and the President.
It's my fault, is it?! Either you or this is the Chinese Year of the Dodo! Wait a minute.
You can't lay all the blame at Derek's door.
I know it's tempting.
Why is it that whenever we've got something good going, anything that remotely resembles a future, he nauses it up? - That's just the way he is.
- Thank you.
It's unfair of you to blame Rodney.
He is your brother.
Yes, and like a brother, he's let me down all his life.
Is that right? If I'm such a let-down, why did you insist on having me around? To keep my promise to Mum.
And you never know when you might need some bone marrow.
(PHONE RINGS) Cassandra, answer that phone, please.
Yes, sir.
Straight away, sir.
This time next year, we'll be millionaires.
This time last week, we were millionaires! Sorry.
I can't hear you very well.
Go in the kitchen, then! Don't worry.
I've worked it all out.
I'm serious.
I've worked out a way to make a hundred thousand pounds.
- Invest that wisely - Invest that wisely! Invest it wisely, and before you know it, you and I can buy a nice little gaff each.
All right.
Go on, then.
What's the plan? I wasn't going to say anything, but OK.
You ready? I'm going to apply to go on that new game show, the Goldrush.
Did I say something amusing? Last night one of the questions was who introduced the potato to England? You said King Edward! I didn't hear the question properly.
Look, Del, if you want to appear on the telly, try for something more simple.
Like go on Stars in their Eyes as Barry White! Del.
Del! - It's Elsie Partridge's son.
- What's he want? It's Uncle Albert.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Are we ready? - Shall I bring the wreath? - Wait till the hearse arrives.
All right.
Come on.
We're Albert's nephews.
Derek and Rodney Trotter from Peckham.
I'm Marion.
I did a bit of cleaning for Albert.
Lovely old man.
Went on a bit.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
This is Cassandra, that's Rodney's wife.
This is Damien.
This is my son.
This is Raquel.
She's my significant other.
Nice to meet you all.
Please come in and have a drink.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Damien, put it back.
I feel bad, you know, about leaving him here on his own while we was off globe-trotting.
He wasn't on his own.
He was with Elsie.
But Elsie was in that rest home for the last six months.
But he had her family around him.
He was having a good time.
Yeah, I know.
It's just I wish we'd taken him with us when we went to Barbados and other places.
Well, we did ask.
But if you remember, the Ancient Mariner, who'd been round the world more times than a satellite, never had a passport.
Good job Hitler didn't find that out.
Albert would have been in right trouble.
Hey, Rodney.
The old sod.
He only had his own monogrammed brandy glass.
He loved his cognac, didn't he? "Just to keep the old colds at bay.
" Eh? Remember? Pardon me.
I'm Roland.
I was married to Albert's niece.
This is my brother Rodney.
- Rodney.
- Cassandra, come and say hello.
This is Cassandra, Rodney's wife.
- Hello.
- And Damien.
My son Damien.
- And this is - Raquel.
And this is Derek, my significant other.
Nice to meet you all.
Well, I suppose we'll all miss him in our way.
We're missing him already.
I tell you one thing we won't miss.
All those bloody wartime sagas.
Actually, Roland, we used to love hearing about his past.
That's right.
Couldn't get enough of it.
Yeah, but he did go on, didn't he? He never bloody stopped.
Well, you'd have to blame me for that one, Roland.
You see, I used to love them stories.
I loved them so much that when he said, "Germany surrendered", I'd say, "Tell us about when war was declared", and he'd start all over again and go right through it.
We'd stay up all night, wouldn't we? More fool you.
I used to tell him straight, "Oi.
Knock off the John Wayne stuff.
"You'd think you'd won the war by yourself!" Well, in many ways, that's true.
Everyone involved was fighting their own individual war.
And you've got to remember that a lot of blokes lost their lives for our liberty, so that 50 years later, prats like you would have the freedom to knock 'em.
All right?! - Take it easy, Del.
- Have they got a garden here? You and I ought to go outside and have a more detailed chat.
- Del, that's enough, mate.
- Go on, Dad.
Deck him! - I didn't mean to upset anyone.
- Calm down.
- All right.
- The hearse is on its way.
I'll go and get the wreath.
You just All right, Rodney.
Have you calmed down? Yes, yes, it's all right, sweetheart.
I'll tell you another thing.
None of the others have bothered to turn up, have they? Boycie, Marlene, Denzil, Trigger.
"Don't worry, Del Boy, we'll be there.
Pay our last respects.
" Well, where are they? You'd think Sid would put in an appearance.
He was in the war.
He's in that pub making too much money.
Well, maybe they had problems.
It is a bit of a journey.
Good old Mike would have made more of an effort to get here - and he's in the nick! - Come on, you, outside.
All right.
I'm sorry again.
I really didn't mean to offend anybody.
It's OK.
Emotions are running a bit high.
I bet Bunny's up there having a right laugh at us.
I bet he is.
Bunny? - Yeah.
- Why do you call him Bunny? That's what they called him in the RAF.
His surname was Warren.
(ORGAN MUSIC: TOCCATA AND FUGUE) Is that a Spitfire, Dad? We're at the wrong funeral.
You have my deepest sympathy, but I must bring you back to the matter in hand.
Are there any mitigating circumstances you'd like me to tell the court? Yes.
Remember to tell them that we were slaves to detail.
- Weren't we? - Absolutely.
We always got our cheques off to the Inland Revenue on time.
Be upstanding.
The Inland Revenue versus Trotter's Independent Traders.
Fair do's, they bounced, but they was always on time.
I don't believe it.
Where does he get this crap? I thought they were gonna bang you up.
Well, you was wrong, Rat Boy.
I was exonerated of all responsibility.
- So you both got off? - Not quite.
I'll get you a cup of tea.
I need something stronger than tea.
- What happened, Dad? - They declared me bankrupt.
- Are you going to prison? - No! Well, not yet.
Why does he go on about prison? His mates' dads are doing time.
He feels left out.
Damien, go and tidy your room.
- I tidied it already.
- Tidy it again.
So what exactly does it mean? It means that the Inland Revenue give you a year to pay off your debt.
Then they come and take all your goods - anything of value.
So it won't affect us.
We have got something of value.
You're sitting in it.
This flat.
Our home.
They'll steal the roof from over our heads.
You take it from me, that is not going to happen, Derek.
Have you got an idea, Rodney? It's been on the market for five years and no one's looked at it! That's because I had it up for its true value.
They'll auction it for a third of its price.
What we gonna do? You could always look for a job.
Trigger said they're recruiting down at his depot.
The pay's not too bad.
I know it's road sweeping, but She's right, Del.
I suppose so.
I'll help you fill in your application.
Me? You can't expect Del to go out sweeping the roads.
Not at his age.
I was talking about you.
- Me?! - Oh, come on.
Can you see Rodney pushing a broom around? It's all right.
They give training.
So how much do you actually owe the taxman? - Four.
- What? - Four.
- Plus interest.
Oh, well.
I never really liked this place anyway.
Look what you've done now! You've upset her.
What, by adding four quid? No, it was dopey there talking about interest.
- It's got her worried.
- Oh! I don't want to talk to you.
I'm having a shower.
Don't use all the hot water.
It's all right, sweetheart, come on.
We'll soon be back on our feet.
How? You owe nearly P49,000 plus interest! It's not a very good start, I must admit.
Let me do that.
Go on.
You get some plates out.
It's gonna be all right.
I worked it out.
I'm a trader, ain't I? I've been trading since I was 12.
I could sell rice to the Chinese.
I'm gonna go back to trading.
I'm gonna work for a local firm.
Yeah? Like who? Trotter's Independent Traders.
What are you talking about? The firm's been liquidised or liquidated or whatever the word is.
No, no.
The firm can go on trading, but I've been disqualified from running it.
That doesn't mean to say I can't work for it.
All we need is a new managing director.
Oh, God.
I actually got excited then.
Who is going to be stupid enough to take over Trotter's Independent Traders? Rodders, get it down your neck.
Cheers, mate.
I don't know what we're going to do, Rodney.
Me neither.
Here I am, disqualified from running me own company.
If I take out a loan, the taxman will nick me and if I work in cash, Customs and Excise will nick me.
My credit rating is so low, I can't even pay with money.
If only there was some way in which we could carry on trading.
It's no use you trying to cheer me up, Rodney.
I'm afraid the company's finished.
It's gone.
Trotter's Independent Traders is no more.
It's kaput.
It's dead.
Dead as the emu.
Well, that's not strictly true.
I mean, the company can still operate, it's just that I'm banned from running it.
I know.
If only there was someone who could take over the firm.
Someone young and enthusiastic.
Someone full of enthusiasm and ideas.
Eh? I wonder who.
Young and energetic, with ideas and enthusiasm.
- Hang on a minute.
- You've thought of someone.
He emigrated, didn't he? (QUIETLY) "He emigrated, didn't he?" What a wally.
Honestly, I don't believe him sometimes.
- There might be one person.
- Whom? Me.
You? How do you mean, Rodney? Look, look.
You've been made bankrupt, right, and are therefore not allowed to run a company, right? I haven't.
You got me all confused now.
Let me explain in simple terms, right? Legally, there is nothing to stop me taking over Trotter's Independent Traders.
Let me see if I've got this right.
What you're saying is that you could run the firm.
By George, I think he's got it! That is a brilliant idea, Rodney! "Argent compatant" as they say in Cannes! Tell you what we'll do.
We'll see our lawyer tomorrow, go to Companies House and make you the new Managing Director.
Rodney Trotter.
Hey, Raquel, guess what? Rodney has had a brilliant idea to save the family.
He's going to be the Managing Director of Trotter's Independent Traders.
I'll just be in charge of sales, purchasing and finance.
I'm surprised you didn't think of that, Del.
That's just what I was thinking.
(SCREAMING) Damien, get away from that keyhole! He's a lad, in't he? The world's full of surprises, innit? Look at that.
Mickey Pearce has learnt to read.
"Trotter's Independent Traders now under new management.
"Managing Director, Rodney Trotter.
" You seen this? Rodney Trotter's a managing director.
And Cliff Richard's on 40 Silk Cut a day.
No, it's true.
"Consultancy and party planning.
" Remember their last do? Depressing, weren't it? Albert's funeral? No.
I'm talking about Rodney's wedding.
I'm gonna give him a call.
Wind him up.
Leave him alone.
He's doing his best.
They've had a setback, losing their money and being bankrupt.
It would be a rather insensitive act, Mickey.
I suppose you're right.
Use my phone.
Damien! We're going out to celebrate Dad's new job with Uncle Rodney.
Get ready and go to Wesley's flat.
We'll collect you later.
(JAMAICAN ACCENT) Don't fuzz me, bitch.
Me gun is hungry.
Oi, oi, oi! If you don't stop listening to that gangsta rap, I'm going to give you a rap.
Now go and get yourself ready.
- Honky.
- Rat Boy.
- Honky, honky, honky! - Get out of here! Ready, Rodney? I'm waiting for Cass.
She's getting Come on, hurry up, darling.
Very nice.
I don't believe you did that.
We're not even going out with you.
- Why not? - We're going out on our own.
Cassandra suggested it.
I think me becoming Managing Director has made a difference.
They say that power is an aphrodisiac.
Well, I must say, she's bubbling.
Yeah, well.
I'm taking her out to a club.
First thing we did when we met was dance, so I thought it might rekindle old memories.
Take her out to dinner.
There's a nice new place opened down Jomo Kenyatta Grove.
- She'll love it.
- No.
You don't understand.
Dancing is the human form of the mating ritual, innit? Yeah, I know if you are a good dancer.
- I am a good dancer.
- You're not a good dancer.
I saw you dancing in that disco in Monte Carlo.
Like Billy Elliot with worms.
Mind you, if what I've seen in there is anything to go by, you're on a winner tonight.
Will you stop talking about my wife and her? Really? G-string? More like dental floss.
(DOORBELL RINGS) - Evening, Del.
- Hello, Trig.
Come in.
I'll just go and jolly Raquel up.
Raquel, hurry up! I'll have to have another shave in a minute! All right, Dave? I'm fine, thank you, Trigger.
(MUSIC: MOZART'S SYMPHONY IN D MAJOR) So what are you doing here, Trig? Del said he'd give me a lift to the pub.
But you live closer to the pub than us.
I know.
In fact, you have to walk past the pub to get to this flat.
Yeah, but Del said he'd give me a lift.
You put a bit of music on, Dave.
Mozart's Symphony Number 38 in D Major.
I find it helps me unwind, you know? Eases my executive stress.
Ain't there no words to this, Dave? No, there's no words, Trig, no.
Sort of instrumental.
Raquel, I'm giving you two minutes or I'm going on me own! Cor dear.
What's this? It's Mozart's Symphony Number 38 in D Major.
It's the karaoke version.
(PHONE RINGS) Cassandra, answer that phone, please.
Yes, sir.
I'll organise your bloody appointment book too! Trotter's Independent Traders.
May I help you? - That is one moody mare, innit? - Can you blame her? You treat her like a secretary and you've seen her drawers! The only reason that I like Cassandra to answer the phone is 'cause she's got a nice voice.
Anyway, if you two weren't so proud, you could be living in her mum and dad's house.
We've been through this before.
We're happy here.
Well, we're here, anyway.
I'm running the firm now.
Cassandra's applied for her old job, so eventually Eventually, we might be able to get our own place.
I don't know who it is.
Sounds foreign.
He wants the boss.
- All right.
- Oi! Excuse me.
I'm the boss.
I keep forgetting.
I knew it was lonely at the top, but not this quick! I'll get you a beer, Trig.
Trotter's Independent Traders.
Can I help you? (ASIAN ACCENT) I am wishing to speak to Managing Director.
Yes, this is he.
Rodney Trotter.
I'm the managing director.
I am representative of Sultan of Brunei.
Wow! You'll never guess who's on You'll never guess who's on the phone.
- The Sultan of Brunei.
- Yeah, right.
My name is Asif Hassan.
It's very nice to speak with you, sir.
Who are you talking to? - The Sultan of Brunei.
- Oh, yeah, right.
Come on, you.
How may I be of assistance, sir? You have advertisement in newspaper and his Highness would like to talk with you.
- Del, he's seen my advert.
- Yeah? The Sultan of Brunei reads the Peckham Echo, does he? What a Moby! If you get another brush, I'll do the other hand.
Go away.
His Highness would like you to fly to Brunei and be his consultant.
No problem.
And what would he like to consult with me about? Recently, his Highness bought a crappy old three-wheeled van and he wants to know how to start it on cold mornings! I had you going there, didn't I? I knew it was you all along.
I was just winding you up.
Oh, shove it, will you? Just shove it.
When the going gets tough, the tough get going.
- What's happened? - Dave's had a row with the Sultan of Brunei.
Yeah, right.
- To the future.
- Yeah.
The future.
Cass, I'd like us to try for a baby.
Rodney, some restaurants don't like that sort of thing.
I didn't mean in here on the ta In the future.
We weren't very successful at it last time, were we? It'll be different next time.
I know about these things.
And what about? You know, the way things are.
I'm glad you brought that up.
Recently, I bought this magazine.
I hate it when you buy those magazines.
Not that sort of magazine.
You end up making comparisons.
It is a man's magazine, but not that sort.
It's serious.
A fella writes in there who's an expert on marital problems.
He's developed this psychological healing process.
I'd like us to try it, Cass.
You never know, do you? - So who is he? - He's American.
West Coast.
He reckons that most couples' troubles stem from bygone days.
- Things in the past.
- Like your childish behaviour? Yeah, that That sort of thing, yeah.
He calls that "memory baggage".
And how do we unload this memory baggage? We become different people.
- Different people? - Yeah.
We don't have to go to a plastic surgeon.
It's simply "remembering to forget".
To forget who you were and become reborn.
His clinic's called Fantasy Therapy.
Wait a minute.
Does this involve dressing up? Of course not! It's based on a theory known as "iconoclastic auto-suggestion".
Sorry? It's "the subconscious rejecting reality" and something else.
Basically, each person writes down their fantasy figure and then the other person, for a while, becomes that figure.
- And there's no dressing up? - Absolutely not.
It's all up here.
See, we suspend reality and then we create our own little make-believe world.
What do you think, Cass? Are you willing to give it a try? All right.
Yeah? Well, that's good.
That's very healthy.
- It does involve dressing up.
- Yes.
Let's go for it.
Cosmic! There's a pen.
You write down yours, OK? And I'll write down mine.
- I never watch The Bill.
- I've got it on tape probably.
Your turn.
- I didn't know you fancied him.
- Oh, yeah! A little bit.
Bloody hell, Cass.
How am I supposed to be him? I don't know and I don't care.
To hell with putting clothes on, let's go home and take some off.
Yeah, right.
Bill, please.
Hurry it up.
- I thought you'd be in bed.
- We're just going.
Never guess who phoned for you earlier.
Richard Branston.
Really? Of course not.
I'm gonna kill that Mickey Pearce.
- Oh, well.
See you, then.
- See you.
- I couldn't sleep.
- No? Oh, well, 'night.
I was lying in bed there, thinking about all the family.
You know, about Mum and Uncle Albert.
Well 'Night, then.
Look at that old bed.
If that bed could speak it could tell some tales.
Old Granddad had his first fit in that bed.
Then there was Uncle Albert.
Uncle Albert slept in that for years.
Do you remember him? Snoring, tossing and turning scratching his old beard.
A lot of history in that bed.
Anyway, goodnight.
Try and imagine what it's like.
We're lying in bed and all we can hear is you watching telly.
It's not just you.
It's Raquel and Damien and all his friends, and Trigger, and anyone else who comes round any time of the day or night.
The flat's overcrowded, Del.
The flat's always been overcrowded.
The council said it was designed to be overcrowded.
Cassie and I can't help thinking that if we can hear you, you can hear us.
Never hear a sound from your room.
Exactly! While we're at it, this ain't gonna solve anything.
I know, I know.
I just get so wound up sometimes, I just It's water.
I know that.
You should have a proper drink.
No, no.
Years ago, I may have given in to that temptation, but not now.
I'm a different bloke now.
Much stronger.
I've got more - Go on, a small one.
- You know it makes sense.
Oi, darling.
A couple of scotches, please.
So how can I help? Go out! All of you.
Just leave me and Cass on our own for once.
Rodney, this must be your lucky day.
I wasn't gonna say nothing yet, it's a bit of a secret but I'm taking Damien and Raquel out next Thursday.
Really? You'll have the whole evening to yourselves.
Cheers, Del.
You are a diamond.
- At least give us a clue.
- I'll say that this is a night that you will never forget.
I'm not saying anything more.
Just sit back in comfort and enjoy the evening.
Oh, yeah.
What did Monkey Harris say? - How do you mean? - What do you mean? I asked you to phone Monkey and say yes.
I forgot, Del.
What with getting ready.
Was it important? Was it important? Hang on, driver.
'Course it was important.
He's had a consignment of electronic personal organisers and they're selling like crazy.
He's got another 200 and I want my name on them before tomorrow or they'll all be gone.
Raquel, you've really let me down on this one.
You dis you man, woman.
You can't do simple ting.
Shut up.
Monkey? Listen, I've got to hang up.
We're being raided.
All right? - Oh, my God! - Oh, God, it's you, Cassandra! I thought you was a real policewoman.
You nearly gave me a connery! - You said you was going out.
- I went out.
- What are you doing? - I've come back.
- Why are you dressed like that? - Like what? Like a couple of wallies.
What, like this? Oh, don't be naive, Derek.
- Can you believe him? - Isn't it obvious? It may be to some people, darling, but I'm not from the Planet Dippy.
Derek, Cassandra and I are simply Going to a fancy dress party.
Oh, I see.
Who are you supposed to be? - That one from The Bill.
- Reg Hollis? No! - What's her name? - I don't know.
Well, whoever you're supposed to be, darling, you look very nice.
A little bit scary, but very nice.
And um And, Rodders, what about you? - What about me? - Who are you supposed to be? Russell Crowe.
Pardon? Russell Crowe.
Russell Crowe.
You look more like Spartacus with piles.
Look, it's a simple fancy dress party, that's all.
Bit early for a fancy dress party, innit? Half past five.
It is a bit early.
That's 'cause um It's an early fancy dress party.
My ex-boss at the bank invited us.
He can't have late parties.
People have to be up for work.
Oh, right.
Bit of a choker, innit, bruv? You were hoping for fun and games.
- Never mind.
- Bad luck, bruv.
Go on, then.
- Go on, then, what? - Off you go.
I'll lock up.
No, no.
It's all right.
We're in no hurry.
Oh, come on, Rodney.
Look, Cassandra wants her old job back at the bank.
How will it look if she turns up late for her boss's party? That won't go down very well.
You've got to make a big impression.
You can borrow the old Capri.
- Right.
- Thanks, Del.
No, no, you're family.
Go on, go off and have some fun.
Just a second, Rodney.
Here you are.
Don't want you to get rusty.
Come on, Monkey.
I've got to be away by six.
Hurry up! What in God's name are we going to do? I mean, people might see us.
There's nothing strange in a policewoman on the estate.
What about me? I look like Ben Hur in a mac! - I'll say I've arrested you.
- For what? There must be a law against dressing like that! (BELL) Oh, no.
Hurry up, Dad.
The driver's got another job to go to.
Oh! You two are still here.
Thank Gawd.
I thought you'd gone.
I know you want to go out, but I just remembered something.
I don't want to spoil your fun, but I was wondering, would you mind if you didn't go? - No trouble at all.
- Anything for you, Del.
Oh, right.
Listen, Rodney, I'm expecting a very, very important phone call.
I want you to answer it.
You're not going out, are you? Absolutely not.
We'll go to the bank's next party, won't we? Good for you.
You're 42 carat! I'll be back about midnight.
Oh, and Russell Crowe, yes! More like Daffy Duck! (THEME MUSIC PLAYS) Welcome to another edition of the quiz show taking the country by storm.
Not here, but we're big in Bosnia and massive in Macedonia.
You can win anything from P1 to P100,000.
This is the fastest game show, this is Thursday, this is live, this is Jonathan Ross and this is Goldrush.
- Oh, Rodney.
- Oh, Cass.
So let's start by meeting our three lucky contestants.
First is Mike Wallis from Merseyside.
Mike is a financial advisor, married with two horses, and his pastimes include golf, real ale and dressage.
I've seen dressage.
It's like rodeo on Prozac.
That's Mike Wallis! (CHEERING) Next we have Janice Scott from Newquay.
Janice is married to lan, with a three-year-old daughter, Meryl.
Her hobbies are rock-climbing and opera.
And she's only three.
That's impressive.
Come on, this is class! Finally, Derek Trotter from Peckham.
Derek is a businessman who lives with Raquel, his significant other.
He has an eleven-year-old son, Damien, and his pastimes include fine wines, the theatre, and 16th-century Italian Renaissance art.
They're our contestants! (INAUDIBLE) As always, we start with the timed round.
Let's see who's got the fastest finger.
(CASSANDRA) Oooh, Rodney! Whose diary recorded the Plague and the Great Fire of London? (BUZZER) Mrs Dale's.
Nice try, Del, but I'm afraid that's not right.
You're frozen at the back of the queue.
- Janice? - Is it Bridget Jones, Jonathan? Again, so close, Janice, but so very far.
You go to the back.
Del, you move up.
Mike, get this right and you're first on the Rainbow Road.
What's at the end of the rainbow? A pot of gold! I think I know it, Jonathan.
It's Adrian Mole.
Oh, bad luck, Mike.
It was Samuel Pepys.
You go to the back now, everyone else moves forward one, which means Derek is the first on the Rainbow Road.
Del, come and join me.
First things first, Del.
Here's your pound.
That's yours, and welcome to the BBC! Just make sure it ain't Irish.
The rules are simple, which is just as well.
You'll get a series of questions, each having three possible answers.
Each correct answer moves you to another colour of the rainbow and the prize money increases, right up to the gold question, which is worth P100,000.
Lovely jubbly! You also have a number of options to help you on your way.
You have a Shot in the Dark, you have an SOS, or you can Drop One.
This is class! Where do we get them? But Janice and Mike can play their Aces at any time and challenge you.
So, if you're ready, let's play Goldrush! You have 20 seconds.
Which is the highest mountain in Africa? Kilimanjaro or Fuji? It's Kilimanjaro.
Any idiot knows that.
Well, I didn't.
Anybody coming back from Ibiza with a duty-free brain cell knows it's Kilimanjaro.
But this is Derek Trotter.
I'm going to go with Kilimanjaro.
Derek, that's the right answer! I thought it was because Fuji make cameras, don't they? Well done.
Now, let's move up to the next colour and take a look at the P2,000 question.
Del, you're doing really well.
Janice challenged you wrongly.
She has doubled your money to P10,000.
The next question, the green question, is worth P25,000.
You've still got your Shot in the Dark and SOS.
Let's look at the question.
In which state was President Kennedy when he was assassinated in 1963? Well, he was in a terrible state.
He died.
You were a bit quick there.
Let me give you the answers.
Was it Texas, was it Florida, or was it California? Sorry, Jonathan, no.
I'm gonna have to use the Shot in the Dark on this.
I'll go for um Florida.
I'm afraid Florida is wrong.
It was Texas.
But you played your Shot in the Dark, which means you lose the money and you're frozen.
Here's the penalty question.
How many wheels does a Reliant Robin have? This question is worth P50,000.
If Derek is correct, these lights turn gold and he'll be answering the P100,000 question.
For P50,000, here it is.
Which classical guitarist wrote the opera, The Child and the Enchantment? Ravel, Segovia, or Rodrigo? I think I know this one.
I think it's Ravel Or, I keep thinking, it could be Could it be Segovia? Then again, it might be Rodrigo? Well, it's definitely one of those three.
In that case, Jonathan, I'll have to use me old SOS.
Who would you like to be your saviour tonight? - My brother Rodney.
- And where is Rodney now? He's at home, taking care of a bit of business.
(ECSTATIC MOANING) (PHONE RINGS) (RODNEY) No! No! (CASSANDRA) Del said he was expecting an important call.
(RODNEY) Oh, bloody hell! - Hello! - Hello.
Is that Rodney? Yes.
This is Jonathan Ross from Goldrush.
Piss off, Mickey! You're getting on my tits! Mickey pretending to be Jonathan Ross.
Rodney, we need your help.
It IS Jonathan Ross.
Oh, my God.
Hi, Jonathan.
How are you? I'm just fine, thanks.
I've got Derek here.
- He's on P25,000.
- You're kidding? I'm serious.
He's got a problem with the P50,000 question and he's chosen you as his saviour.
Listen carefully.
You get 20 seconds to answer.
Listen, Rodney Hold on.
What's in this for me? I'll make sure you get a drink.
Which classical guitarist wrote the opera, The Child and the Enchantment? Was it Ravel, Segovia or Rodrigo? Ravel.
- How sure are you? - One hundred per cent, Derek.
Good boy.
Take it away, Del! I know my classics.
I'll go with that.
It's Ravel, Jonathan.
You don't have to take his answer, you know.
I know, but he knows what he's talking about.
It's Ravel.
- You can change your mind.
- No.
Derek that was the wrong answer.
It was Segovia.
No, no.
Rodney said it was Ravel.
I know he did, but he was wrong.
Bad luck, Del.
He's got two GCEs! Derek, you've used up all your options.
You've lost all your money.
You're frozen out of the game.
Janice, join me on the Rainbow Road.
I was certain.
- I was so certain it was Ravel.
- You did your best.
Yeah, I did, and Del was OK, wasn't he? Yeah.
Till he kicked the podium over.
No, no.
I think that was just an accident.
He kicked it, it fell over.
Jonathan Ross had to pick it up.
(DOOR SLAMS) - All right? - Yeah.
You? - Where's Del? - I haven't a clue, Rodney.
At the end of the show, he disappeared.
He went off and abandoned his child and his wi his significant other in an area of London we've never been in before.
Thank Christ.
Thankfully, the studio paid for a cab home.
- I'm gonna make a coffee.
- Raquel Don't.
We're friends.
I don't know why my dad didn't use Trigger as his SOS.
Trigger wouldn't have a clue! And he was spot on, weren't he? (DOOR SLAMS) What the hell happened to you? I went out.
Oh, good.
Long as I know.
All right? How's your evening been, Rodney? Not very good, to be honest.
No? Well, bloody snap! You Moby.
I'm sorry.
I could have sworn it was Ravel.
- So could Cassandra.
- Yes, I could.
You're both a pair of dipsticks, then! You You're never going to borrow my Capri ever again.
Well, that bone marrow, forget it.
I mean to say, I mean everyone knows that Ravel makes shoes.
- What? - Shoes? Shoes.
It was a trick question and you fell for it.
Oh, right.
Still, at least you won a pound.
That wasn't even enough for a bus fare home! Anyway, I went to a club after the show to drown my sorrows.
I was in this club and I was talking to this lap lap lap laptop salesman.
Even he said it wasn't Ravel.
Would you like a drink, darling? - No.
- OK.
Look what you've done.
You've upset her.
You stay here.
You know, for the rest of my life, getting that question wrong in front of my family, my friends well, the entire British nation, will be the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened.
- Russell Crowe? - Yeah! Or maybe not.
Can I ask who's calling, please? Del, it's the producer of Goldrush.
He wants you.
What's he want? I bet it's about that podium.
I bet someone's damaged it.
All right.
I'll speak to him.
This is Derek Trotter.
What? No? No.
He says there's been a mistake.
It was Ravel.
No? I knew I was right.
He says I can take the P50,000 and go back on the show.
Yes! Oh, have a day off, will ya, you lot! Who do you think this is? You can hear the jukebox in the pub.
Bloody Mickey Pearce.
I'll murder him.
Get to the back of the queue.
I tell you what we would like you to do.
Give all the money to charity.
And if you phone here once again, I'm going to come and kick your arse into shredded duck.
Jonathan, he said give the 50 grand to charity.
Wow, what a nice guy.
Who do people think we are, eh? We're the Trotters, and we're back! Yes! # We've got some half-price cracked ice # Miles and miles of carpet tiles # TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs # Ball games, gold chains, what's-their-names and at a push # Some Trevor Francis tracksuits from a mush in Shepherd's Bush # Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush # No income tax, no VAT # No money back, no guarantee # Black or white, rich or broke # We'll cut prices at a stroke # God bless Hooky Street # Viva, Hooky Street # Long live Hooky Street # C'est magnifique, Hooky Street # Magnifique Hooky Street # Hooky Street # Hooky Street #