Only Murders in the Building (2021) s01e06 Episode Script

To Protect and Serve

1 When I direct a new show, the hardest part is getting the actors to trust each other.
I'm doing a podcast.
A true crime podcast about a murder in our own building.
Are you associated with the deceased? You're probably just starting your investigation, - looking into all the forensic - Goddammit.
If I meet one more true crime nut I am onto something great here.
- What was it? 32K? - Now, it's 35.
I tend to make packs wherever I go.
When I was a kid, I had my Hardy Boys pack.
Mabel is a sweet young woman who promised not to keep secrets from us.
Oh my God! There she is! It's Tie-Dye Guy! I didn't murder Tim Kono.
Tim was murdered? Damn, he was right.
Tim thought he was gonna get murdered? He'd been trying to take down this black market jewelry dealer named Angel.
Tim Kono was a loner who worked in a bank.
Taking down a black market jewelry dealer seems a little off-brand, don't you think? Maybe Then again, I found all these in his apartment.
We're all born alone.
Unless you're a twin or something, but twins creep me the fuck out.
And don't even get me started on triplets or quadrupla Whatever the fuck they're called.
I don't know 'cause that's not my point.
My point is we're born alone, spend most of our time alone, then we all go out alone.
When I was a kid, there was this show on TV Herman's Head.
You remember this shit? Herman was this dude who had these imaginary people in his head, advising him.
There's no such thing as love at first sight! One was the nervous one, one was the romantic one I-I can't remember all the details, but I remember the fuck outta that show.
And I liked it 'cause old Herman wasn't alone.
You know what I mean? He had these people in his head.
For a long time, I played it like Herman.
Just me and the people advising me in my head.
And then I went and fucked that up by listening to that romantic fucker in my head a little too much.
Hey, podcast listeners.
Here at Only Murders in the Building, when we get hungry Hey.
What you doing? We said we're doing the nursery together.
I waited.
As long as I could.
Perhaps Evelyn the cat's paw prints meant nothing.
But perhaps they were key to the entire Do not subject our unborn child to this true crime bullshit, please! - This one is cute.
- Mm I don't get a kiss hello? Oh, my bad.
My bad.
I got you.
can't actually see the color red You think I won't smell that cigarette on you? Don't start.
I had a dead kid today.
I'm coming to you live from A little girl.
All of that.
But this shit stops when Kareem comes.
Who the fuck is Kareem? - Not my son.
- Kareem Abdul-Jabbar? - So? - Is an athlete, a scholar, an activist? And Kareem Hardison is Dwayne Wayne on A Different World.
I don't care.
- Kadeem.
- What? Kadeem Hardison.
That's what I said.
It's the same shit.
What are you talking about? You know, I was hoping you'd be home in time to help me with this.
Did you not just hear me tell you about my day today? Just don't end up like Jerguson, Dee.
Okay? - That's not who I married.
- Alright.
Howard Morris lives at the Arconia in apartment 3D, a place pungent with cat dander.
The Arconia? But even stronger than the odor was Howard's rage toward Tim Kono.
What the fuck? No, I-I closed that case.
Oh shit, that's you they're talking about? - What? W-what the fuck are they saying? - You know what? - Let's just turn it off.
- No, that was a suicide, open and shut.
Okay, but, um, sorry What about the paw prints? Because the cat that came in after, and th-they found it.
You fuckin' for real? So, what? The cat did it? No, for real.
Let-let's just So, the cat did it? Why are you listening to this shit? My Yard Dog Homies were boosting it on Twitter.
I mean, these guys, they're they're dopey, but they tell the story really well.
Yeah, I don't I don't tell stories.
And I don't make mistakes on my cases.
- Wait, where are you going? - Where do you think? - Dee, come on.
- You know you didn't have to hit me with the work shit.
Not today.
We continued staring at the jewels for what felt like a beat too long.
I found them in Tim's apartment.
I went back alone after we left.
You went back without us? Charles I get, but without me? I found him this one.
And this one.
These are all from Angel.
Who is Angel? That's the only name I got.
Kono was obsessed with buying pieces from Angel.
Sucks Tim died before he got the one he really wanted.
And which one was that? Uh, I got a pic somewhere.
He'd been trying to track it down for years.
I can dig it up.
Yes, please, and text it to me as soon as you find it.
- Me, too.
- Me, three! Just me.
You know, I hooked Tim up with my jewelry connection, Cutter, to talk about that piece he wanted.
Oh my God! The twists and turns of this are just unbelievable.
It's like a-a rainbow crafted by a drunken leprechaun.
I can say that 'cause I'm three-quarters Irish, and I have a teeny bit of a drinking problem.
Tim was supposed to meet Cutter here today.
I'm gonna guess you're not Cutter.
You come to Bayport, I have to hear it from Miss Skullcap over here? You don't call me? Hey, Mom.
And that sad and lonely boy raised by a psychologically abusive mother was none other than Stephen Joshua Sondheim.
And let me tell you something about Steve.
When he is on his game, it's a blessing.
- And when's he's not, I'm patient.
- Mm.
Tavo texted me that photo from Tim.
Tim? From the Arconia, Tim? Why are you still in contact with that boy after what he did to Oscar? I'm not, Mommy.
He died.
- He was murdered.
- Murdered? - In the building.
- Catchy, right? Ay, dios mio.
That place is no good for you.
I knew I shouldn't have let you go back there.
Let me? I'm grown, Mommy.
We're investigating, and your daughter has been a big help in this.
- What do you mean investigating? - I mean, we, and your daughter, are producing a podcast about Tim Kono's murder.
I only let you go back there because you promised me you were focusing on your design career.
Stop saying that you let me.
And a podcast is nothing.
Well, tell that to our 17 subscribers.
Seventeen, is that good? - No.
- My daughter can't help herself.
She's trapped in the past.
But, you How old are you two? 80? I'll have you know that I am in my very early mid-60s.
Dragging my little girl back into the worst thing that ever happened to her? I'm not a little girl! My friend, our friend, Zoe died at a New Year's Eve party on the roof of the Arconia.
And we think Tim saw what really happened.
- But he never told anybody.
- Oscar got blamed and went away, but he's out now, and I'm fine.
Is fine not being able to finish anything or focus because your mind is trapped in the past? - Please stop! - Temores nocturnos fine? Ahem.
Wait, what? "Not submitted"? Oh, I thought I sent you to IT.
How they hangin', Williams? Lower by the day, Jerguson.
That's my guy.
It's my fault.
I was always working.
So, when my rich sister offered to take Mabel for the school breaks, I thought qué maravilloso.
She'd go to the city, see museums and plays be inspired to dream big.
You try watching your only child, so smart, so sure of herself turn into a ghost from grief.
Then see if you want to make a podcast about it.
We didn't know about that.
We didn't know about a lot it seems.
But, your daughter is extraordinary.
She's funny, - intuitive - Weird.
But, in-in-in the best ways.
The way all your favorite people are weird.
Have you ever felt like there was something you screwed up so bad, you'll never forgive yourself? Well For me, it was letting her spend time at that damn apartment.
Please leave her be.
Let her move forward, not back.
- Thank you for dinner.
- Yeah, th-thank you.
You know, she's probably right.
This whole thing was stupid anyways.
It was many things, but I'm not sure it was stupid.
Why? I'm a stranger that lied to you a bunch, and you're two randos that dragged me into a podcast.
"Rando" is a slang for a person of no significance.
- I used context clues, but thank you.
- You're welcome.
You could still do the podcast though.
Can learn how to use Twitter.
It's not that hard.
Don't do TikTok.
Mabel, it's been, uh it's been the most alive I've felt in a decade.
Me, too.
So, uh Goodbye.
We got yelled at.
- By a mom.
- I know.
I'm shook.
- Mabel taught me that word.
- Mm.
- Same.
- You know, it's a law of nature.
Nothing good ever happens on Long Island.
Gut Milk is really good.
Right?! I think it's giving me abs.
13% alcohol.
- Cheers.
- Hey.
We had a good run, but we can't possibly go on.
Fully agree.
And why is that exactly? This is Mabel's life.
We can't exploit her pain, playing detective.
Every true crime story is actually true for someone.
And this is just occurring to you? I guess it feels personal now.
It already felt personal to me 'cause of Winnie.
Who's Winnie? Who Are you kidding me?! My dog! Winnie! Who's recovering from being poisoned The fact that you forgot about her completely is deeply concerning to me.
Why? We barely know each other.
Mabel was right.
We're all randos.
Of course we know each other! Are my parents dead or alive? - Dead.
- Lucky guess.
Is that Mabel? No, it's Teddy.
Our sponsor.
"Come to me.
We need to speak.
" All caps.
No, that's just the way he types.
But it still seems bad.
Would you mind coming with me? Or am I too rando? You know I barely dated my entire 20s? Did you know that? I was alone.
Then, on a random Tuesday night, I pull over this woman who I caught texting while driving.
And then this broad had the audacity to lie to my face and say that she wasn't texting.
I wasn't lying! You still lying to me in my face! But, I knew then I wasn't gonna be alone anymore.
And now, we got this kid coming Kareem.
Over my dead body.
We're not doing it.
I just need to know that I'm gonna be good at this.
- You will be.
- No, you don't know that.
I do! Just like I knew those podcast guys were onto something.
You missed something, didn't you? The tox reports they weren't submitted.
And the victim's phone never made it to IT.
Oh my God, yes! So now, you swoop in there and reopen the case like a goddamn hero boss, - and just - Baby, no.
When they don't submit something, that means they want all hands off, and I can't get up to sergeant by opening a case that I already closed.
That's not how it works.
That's what we're not gonna do.
But what we will do is that we gonna go in here and work on this nursery - for my man Keith.
- Keith? Oh yes.
You know, it's not quite Kareem.
- Yeah, it's not - But it's also not lame as fuck.
- I could dig it.
- Okay.
- Keith - Thank you.
Wow, I think I would've remembered this.
Well, during my depressing years, my mom told me to read about the Tree of Life.
Instead, I just made one.
It's amazing.
Could never forget the SVU poster.
Weird-ass crush you had on Stabler.
The hottest criminal mind ever is right here.
- Oh.
- And he kept it pretty tight.
I know it's nothing compared to what you went through, but I had it pretty hard after everything happened.
Seems like we all did.
- What's this? Huh? - Oh.
No, no.
- Mabel Sixth Grade? - So embarrassing.
- Yes, please.
Hold on.
- No! Don't want you to see it! - Have a seat! Come on! - I don't wanna look at We'll look at it together.
Whoa! Who is this cute little boy? Huh? Um, I was adorable.
I don't know what you're What did you do to Silvia for her to give you a bowl cut? And now, you've lost the right to look at these.
So, good job.
Holy shit.
Tavo's text.
What the hell? Why was Tim after the ring that Zoe had on - the night she died? - No.
She didn't have it on.
Not when she died.
You don't forget the image of your girlfriend's body on the ground.
But it's right here.
So, does this mean she lost the ring before she went over? Yo, can we stop now? - Are you okay? - Can we please spend, like, two minutes talking about not death? All I wanted to do today was just be with you.
I've thought about this moment a lot.
I've thought about you a lot.
Me, too.
I think I've kind of been waiting for you.
Uh, sorry.
I-I don't mean waiting for you like I was waiting waiting for you.
I didn't save myself for No, no, yeah, yeah.
For sure.
I did other things.
I I worked.
I went to parties.
I got bangs that were awful, and I had to hide for a month.
No, I-I bet you looked hot.
You'd lose that bet.
Well, let's see for myself.
Were they like the lower Little longer and then they did, like, a curl Oh God.
You're right.
They're It's horrible.
I can't unsee that.
Do-do you ever feel like you've been too inspirational, Cinda? You know, like everyone has a podcast now.
It has gotten a little out there.
Like, I guess the actor who played Brazzos - has his own podcast now? - What? Wait, Charles, uh Haden Church? No, I'm mixing him up.
Uh He's Brazzos, and he's investigating a real murder, uh, in his Upper West Side building with a theater director - and one of their granddaughters.
- Wow.
And their prime suspect is Sting.
No! Yes! The title of their podcast is Dimas Chicken Wraps Presents Colon.
Only Murders In The Building.
Well, I do I do love a Dimas Chicken Wrap.
Love 'em! Everybody loves a Dimas Chicken Wrap.
My goodness.
Teddy Do you understand how huge Fallon is in Greece? Do you know what my cousins back on Nisyros are gonna do when they see this? They're gonna shit themselves, Ollie! They're gonna squat right down in their goat fields and shit themselves in envy! Ha.
That's Wow.
Yeah, that's quite an image.
You did it! You fucking homered! Two episodes of your "podcast," and my name is in Fallon's mouth! Wow! You've got more coming, right? Please tell me - you've got more coming soon! - Of course.
- Yes.
Yes, of course.
- Actually, we've had a setback With lots of juicy twists and turns and room for at least four Dimas spots in every hour? - At least.
- Oh I gotta tell you, I feel like a proud papa.
My boys.
Now I'm writing you a check and it's gonna be large.
But, I don't want a fight.
- 50,000 for the next three episodes.
- Oh We can't accept that, Teddy.
- Don't say that.
- Oh please, don't say that.
Well, uh, we lost one of our partners, and it wouldn't be right.
Come here.
Come here, right now.
You see that? That coin is my entire family legacy.
You know of the Greek and Armenian Holocaust? My grandmother.
My yiayia Evangelia was a young woman when the Turks started slaughtering all the Greeks, forcing them to flee their home.
They didn't have banks back then, so women would wear necklaces with their family's life savings in gold coins around their necks.
Desperate to flee, my yiayia made a trade with a Turkish soldier.
Her necklace for a spot on a boat to take her to America.
The soldier let her keep two coins.
One to invest in a new future, and one for luck.
Yiayia held tight to those coins through a sea made red with blood and the chopped-off limbs of her whole family.
Till she finally made it to Ellis Island.
Still clutching those two coins.
She used one to start a small sandwich shop, and the other she held onto and passed it on to my father, so he'd never forget the sacrifices made to carry on our proud Dimas name.
And your father passed it to you.
We, uh, didn't see eye-to-eye.
In fact, he vowed he'd take the coin to his grave rather than give it to me.
Well, obviously he changed his mind.
Or I dug the fucker up and ripped it out of his cold dead hands.
Oh Oh - Oh, y Oh - What the fuck? Th-that's so good.
Tha You fooled me.
My yiayia Evangelia taught me to make investments in the people who've been loyal to you, even when there's risk.
I have a whole separate business in her name where I do this work.
So, please do me this honor.
So, is Oscar a good kisser? Mommy! I saw the way he was looking at you.
The same way he looked at you when you were teenagers.
I wish I could go back in time to those days.
And do what? I don't know.
- Keep you there until - Till Until I'm dead.
Then, you can go do whatever you wanted.
The old men are sad characters.
- I guess.
Sort of.
- Mm.
They're also the first friends I've had in a really long time.
- But seriously, how old are they? Yeah.
- They're, like, really old.
I have to see this through.
I have to figure this out.
I could never read you stories when you were little.
I tried, but you always wanted to skip right to the end.
You always needed to know what happened.
Baby If only we had a window into Tim Kono's mind.
Some way to know more of what he was doing in the days leading up to his death.
A laptop, a calendar, any piece of physical evidence that would bring us closer to the truth.
I don't remember how Herman's Head ended, but I suspect it ended with him finally finding the girl.
Or the guy.
I could never tell with Herman.
And not needing those advisors - - in his head anymore.
That's how I would've done it.
Herman doesn't need them 'cause he's not alone anymore.
But even if you're not alone, it doesn't mean you don't need help sometimes.
We have 1,265 downlo 1,267! Why do we have to get popular now? Apparently, people still watch live TV.
Where was this audience when I directed Godspell Live on NBC? - That was you? - No, but it should've been.
See, I-I'm not getting them.
I'm hitting refresh, and nothing is working.
You're in airplane mode.
- What? - You knew my phone settings.
I'm not a rando.
Alright, we need to deal with this mess.
Your dip man gave us $50,000.
Right, and-and we can't accept it because we agreed not to profit off our young friend's tragedy.
That's right, so we have to take that check, and we have to rip it up.
- Now? - Yes.
I think we have to rip it up, uh, now.
- Wait, wait, wait! - Wha Thank God.
What? What's this account? It's not in Teddy's name.
Well, he said he had a separate business account for Look at the name.
"Angel, Inc.
" Oh no, no, no.
Teddy is not the Angel that Tim Kono was trying to bring down.
I was wondering when he said his yiayia's name.
- You don't knock? - Hey.
Women who knock rarely make history.
A peace offering.
Silvia's tamales, and I picked up some hummus.
This hummus expired yesterday.
But we both know you're gonna eat it.
I know.
It's true.
Look I'm really sorry about lying to you guys.
On multiple fronts.
For weeks.
An inordinate amount of lying.
It was borderline sociopathic.
It's just very hard for me to trust people.
Honestly, it's pretty hard for me to even like people.
But you guys Are you really gonna make me say it? I'd kinda like to hear the words, yes.
Also rank us.
I'm dying to know who your favorite is.
I want to do this podcast.
I have to finish this with you guys.
That is so rando.
That is not the right gesture.
- Give me those tamales.
- Wait.
My final peace offering.
Someone left this for me at the front desk.
It's Tim Kono's phone.
- What? - Whoa! But we need to find the password.
- Oy - Oh Well, we got one for you.
Say hello to Angel.
Teddy Dimas? Wait, so you're saying That's right.
Our prime sponsor is now our prime suspect.
Ooh, that's good.
That'll make a great last line for an episode.

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