Only Murders in the Building (2021) s02e01 Episode Script

Persons of Interest

do our own podcast.
Only Murders In The Building.
How do I know you?
Oh, Charles was in
an an old TV series.
What was it called? Bozos.
MABEL MORA: I have to finish
this. I have to see this through.
OLIVER: Do you like your Beats?
I can't get any work.
You have to sell the apartment.
It's all I have.
BUNNY: All in favor of
evicting all three members of
Murder, She Wrote?
A direct route into Bunny's.
You're sleeping with a murderer!
This ends now, Jan.
Hey, Bunny! Congrats!
You're the most hated
person in the building now,
you cranky old bitch.
- "Get out of the building now."
OLIVER: Mabel!
We gotta get her!
I'm not leaving her here!
It's not what you think.
OLIVER: Bunny!
- Is that your knitting needle?
- Yes!
Don't say a fucking word.
POPPY: Coming this fall,
Only Murder-ers in the Building.
I love New York ♪
And there's no place like it ♪
CHARLES: New York City.
Who doesn't want to become
the talk of the town here?
I mean, make a name for
yourself in this city,
and it can feel like the
most sparkling place on Earth.
- WOMEN: It's that murder guy! Hey!
- Hello. [LAUGHS]
Full of fireworks and excitement.
But there are two ways
you can become known here.
You can become famous
for doing good things
or you can become infamous
for doing truly terrible acts.
'Cause it's so exciting ♪
You wanna avoid that second one.
Look at you. Look at you,
you dusty, old, dried-up dribble dick.
You got no fuckin' idea how much
trouble you're in, do you? Hm?
This guy's got no idea, huh?
- None.
- You have no clue, huh?
What kind of a sloppy shit-mess
you chodes are swimming into, right?
- Right? No.
- Uh
You know, the only thing that could
be worse for you two low-hanging,
dehydrated scrota-sacks
is if you were her.
Yeah, yeah, I-I-I don't do podcasts.
You know, I-I like Howard Stern.
You know, old Stern, before
he started doing therapy
and got all gentrified and shit.
Back when it was just the
Wack Pack and Butt Bongo.
Before Baba Booey got those big,
filthy teeth fixed.
You know, but I, uh
I did try your podcast. Yeah. Mm.
It was ab It's absolute
shit. I mean, it really
It sucks, but this, uh,
one part from the first episode
Let's just say it, uh
stuck out.
MABEL: [ON PODCAST] I have this
recurring dream. I'm in bed.
I wake up, and there's
a man standing over me.
So, I kick him right in the nuts,
and I grab my knitting needle,
and I take him down to the bone
with that thing.
That's you.
What, y-you're asking for a lawyer?
No, I'm asking if you're a lawyer,
you know, 'cause you're so smart.
- [SNIFFS] Sorry.
- What?
No, my bad. It was a little funny.
- What, her?
- W-what she said was a little funny.
What, you think you're
Rodney Dangerfield?
- Oh.
- Who?
Hold on a minute!
You can't pin this on Mabel.
She couldn't have done this!
WILLIAMS: I wanna believe you.
I really do.
But, do you hear what you are saying?
A woman magically
appears, in your apartment,
with a goddamn knitting
needle in her chest?
Come on.
- She
- What? She was what?
I went to get champagne,
and Bunny was just there.
That's all I remember
- No. No. [SIGHS]
- Bullshit! This is bullshit!
Mabel, there's so many
fucking holes in your story!
You know, there's more
fucking holes in your story
than we have in our victim, and
that's a lot of fucking holes.
Eight fucking holes, to be exact.
Do you think that it makes you
seem tough saying "fuck" so much?
- What?
- I mean, I get it
because I used to think the same thing,
but then I realized something.
Do you wanna know what I realized?
Yeah, w-w-what did you realize?
Fuck you. Lawyer.
[SIGHS] Fuck.
She was gone for two minutes. We
were celebrating. W-why would she
Okay, th-then l-l-let's
just talk about you,
okay? Let-let's talk about you.
You hated Bunny, right?
The Board President who
wanted you out of the building
'cause you couldn't
pay your rent, right?
Now that I think of it, I
have had my doubts about Mabel.
You know, I played this scene
a hundred times on my show.
Especially season nine
when the budget got cut,
and we could only afford to
shoot in interrogation rooms.
So I know your tricks.
Hi! Charles-Haden Savage!
That's a decorative mirror, Charles.
I think the two-way you
looking for is on this wall.
I knew that.
The old decorative mirror trick.
Nice try. Might have worked.
On a moron.
- Sit down, Charles!
- Yes, ma'am.
Let's cut to the chase now!
What did you do with the knife?

Yeah. What did you do with the knife?
The blade. The one you used.
So you have three people
who solved two crimes
that you couldn't figure out,
who are now clearly being framed,
and you don't even have
the real murder weapon?

It was you, right? Who texted us to
get out of the building last night?
It most definitely was not me.
Gotcha. I knew it was you.
- I know you did not just wink at me.
- Kinda did.
Wow! Look at this.
Hold it a second.
They cropped me out?!
This is such bullshit.
You know, I'm also involved in this.
Okay, alright. Focus. All eyes on me.
You are all persons of interest now.
Thank you!
that we can't charge you. Yet.
But, that can change at any time
with new evidence.
And we are looking. Believe me.
Because that is our jobs, not yours.
So, that means no investigating,
that means no fucking podca
Mora, please tell the tiny
one to stop recording me.
- Oliver, put the phone down.
- Oh
This is your ticket to live your lives.
You're free to return to your homes. So,
get a new hobby. Now. I do
not give a damn what it is.
Just as long as it
doesn't land you in jail.
- Like knitting?
- Alright, don't be a smart ass.
- It's kind of her thing.
- Well, your thing is going to be
making toilet wine in a jail cell
if you don't zip your lips. Got it? Go.
Come on! Go! Now! [CLAPPING]

- [SHOCKED] Oh my God!
- [SHOCKED] Oh my God!
[OVERJOYED] Oh my God!
Sweet freedom for the innocent!
And justice for all crime-fighters!
They were wrong!
Oliver Putnam can get
arrested in this town!
And, oh, baby, does that
feel wonderful. [LAUGHS]
- We're live right now!
- I'm not signing, please.
I'm just like you!
Like your Beats?
- Huh?
- It's a callback
because we're right back where we
Forget it.
- She's not wearing Beats.
- I said forget it, didn't I?
So, uh, Bunny was just
There, I think.
Did you see anyone else?
Well, how could that be?
Poor Bunny.
I mean, my God, we
never got along, but still.
[SIGHS] Poor Bun-Bun.
That plays right?
I mean, if you were on
a jury, you'd buy that?
- Oliver!
- You know, it's very rare
for a true crime podcast to do a sequel.
They usually move on to a new case
that never hits like the original,
like when they followed up the
great Dead End with that, uh, Bill
- Billy the Butcher. It was terrible.
- Oh, that was the worst. Terrible.
So, you know, we have a
- we have a real opportunity here.
- No, no.
You heard Detective Williams. We
can't get tied into I can't
Oliver, stop!
I need a life away from death.
We should all just let ourselves
be a little boring again.

Can I just say something?
I'd rather be dead than boring.
Did you guys hear that Bunny
was stabbed with a knife
- the cops don't have yet?
- Wait a minute,
it wasn't just the knitting
needle? That's huge!
Guys, maybe we could have
brunch once in a while
or go watch people
play chess in the park.
Whatever it is guys your
age are into besides murder.
- Well, the chess thing, yeah.
- Brunch. I'd rather have brunch.



Hey, Brock!
Yeah, I can hold for Brock.
Hey, Brock.
Yeah. No, no, no. Just for questioning.
Uh, th-that probably
didn't help my chances
of getting work though, huh?

A reboot?
Hello, Mabel. This is Alice
Banks from Third Arm Gallery.
Hello, Mabel. This is Alice
Banks from Third Arm Gallery.
We're a little artist
collective downtown.
Uh, maybe you've heard of us.
I know this is insane, given
all you're going through,
a stranger sending you
a random video message,
but I really love your mural,
and I haven't been able
to stop thinking about it.
Uh, anyway, um, I know
this is last minute,
but the gallery are having
a little opening tomorrow,
and we were wondering
if you wanted to come.
So yeah.
Sending you lots of love and
hope to hear from you. Bye.

Come on, baby.
WOMAN: Oh, hold the elevator!
Thanks, lover. [PRESSES BUTTON]
Well, hello there, Amy Schumer.
Well, hello.
OLIVER: Are you moving
into Sting's apartment?
Uh, oh, yes!
Sting. Right. Such a fan.
- Oh, we all are.
- Yeah.
I loved him before he
was even in The Police.
Sting's in law enforcement?
Well, welcome to the building.
Are you Oliver Putnam?
Well, that depends. Are you suing me?
No I only sued Judd Apatow.
Oh, and that must make you Winnie.
[BABY TALK] Did we ever
find out who poisoned you?
[LAUGHS] I just have to say,
I really enjoyed Only
Murders In The Building.
- Oh, well, thank you very much.
- No, no, no. I mean,
I really enjoyed it.
I was never that into murder before.
Podcasts. Murder podcasts.
Until yours. But, you
you guys just made it feel so
You know? Just cozy murder. [LAUGHS]
So good. Plus, I-I mean,
y-you were so raw. You
know, all of you, and just
And not afraid of bombing.
Just really wasting people's time.
Reminded me of my early days
doing stand-up. Well, day.
I got great pretty quick Is
there gonna be a second season?
Well, second seasons
are tough, you know,
but people keep dying.
So, I suppose there's
always a chance.
- [DING]
- Oh.
Would you ever consider, uh
[SCOFFS] Never mind. It-it's stupid.
- What?
- No, it-it's
I shouldn't have even
opened my tiny mouth.
Oh no, come on. What? What? What?
Okay. Well, I just had a thought
Would you ever consider selling
me the rights to the podcast,
so I could turn it into
an 8-to-10 episode streaming series
with exclusive internet
content leading to gamification?
This is a thought you just had?
I mean, surely, you've considered
developing it into a series.
Well, I'd be lying if I didn't say
I had a 200-page pitch deck
floating around my apartment somewhere.
Okay, good!
So, come by my place.
We'll figure it all out.
- Okay.
- And, uh
don't forget to bring a turkey.
- Callback!
- That's a callback. So clever.
But do bring tequila.
And ice. And a glass.

God, I love this building.
And Brazzos is doing
a cross-promotion with Golden Girls,
so we go on Password,
and my partner is Betty White,
who turns every clue into,
like, something naughty.
And I have to act outraged
She was good people.
- I could hear these stories all day.
- Mm-hmm.
That's why Brazzos is
so perfect for a reboot.
CHARLES: You know, I agree with you
because sometimes I'm flipping
through the TV, and I'm thinking,
"Hey, where are all
the cop shows?" [LAUGHS]
'Cause th-there seems to
be a lot of cop Anyway,
so, do you think they're
gonna go for this?
Oh. We're picked up for series already.
Eighteen episodes on CBS.
- Whoa!
- DIRECTOR: Crazy, right?
With Naomi Jackson.
CHARLES: I love her!
- Who's she playing?
- She's Brazzos.
And I would be
Uncle Brazzos.
[WHISPERS] Uncle Brazzos
[NORMAL] And, uh, Naomi would be my
- DIRECTOR: Niece.
- Niece.
- By marriage.
- Uh-huh.
Or she's a friend who
affectionately calls you "Uncle."
Or something. The
writers are spit-balling.
We had you in mind for
this early on, but
honestly, we thought you were dead.
The casting director had
you listed as "NA/dead."
Then you start popping
up on all the front pages
of all the papers. Crazy great timing.
is this an offer? I'm Brazzos again?
Uncle Brazzos. It's a series regular.
As long as you stay
out of jail. [LAUGHS]
Look at me, look at me, butterfly,
keep it light when I get it done ♪
Look at me, look at me, double
time on the ride when I beat my drum ♪
Look at me, look at me, I don't
stop till I drop, yeah, keep it going ♪
'Cause everybody
know, everybody know ♪
Everybody know, everybody know ♪
Y-you're the real deal, aren't you?
- Excuse me?
- Bloody Mabel.
- Here. Uh, quick selfie together?
- Oh, I
How about a quick exit? For you.
Have a good night though,
sir. Thank you very much.
Thank you.
- Hi, Alice.
- Hi. I'm really glad you came.
- I'm so glad you're not a catfish.
- Nope. No, no.
All too real. [LAUGHS]
Uh, but you better watch out
for these piranhas, though.
I hope you brought your knitting needle.
MABEL: My dad got me a jigsaw
puzzle of Frida when I was 4.
It was 1,000 pieces.
Small ones with repeats
of the same flowers.
I finished it the day before I turned 5.
Sorry. There's just something
uh, very compelling about you.
Thank you,
but you don't really
know anything about me.
Well, I know four things.
I know some people are
calling you Bloody Mabel,
I know I like your art,
I know I want that dress, and, um,
now I know that you had
a Frida puzzle as a kid.
Well, all I know about you
is that you like sliding into
people's DMs,
and that you'd like my aunt's closet.
Because that's where
got this dress from.
Yes, very likely. But,
I don't just DM any old broad.
Hm. Why me?
It's an instinct.
And we could use some new
energy in our collective.
So, this is, what, a recruitment?
Hm. Total recruitment. How am I doing?
Decently. I might need a pamphlet.
You know, Frida didn't have an MFA.
She didn't even have two working legs,
but what she did have is natural
talent and everyone's attention.
Remind you of anyone?
Look, it's not a bad
place to start from,
as long as you have the right support.
Why don't you come back
and get to know our space?
It's not a cult, right?
Just bring your paints.
I'm just gonna need to hear
you say that it's not a cult.
- Mm.
- Just out loud
Ain't nothing like the real thing ♪
Ain't nothing like the real ♪
[ON PODCAST] In my new podcast,
Only Murderers in the Building,
we will probe into the Arconia
and three residents who
remain prime suspects
in the grisly stabbing
death of Bunny Folger.

Charles-Haden Savage,
a washed-up television cop
whose blurred sense of fact and fiction
led him into a tangled romance
with the last Arconia murderer,
and whose father spent the
latter years of his life
in and out of prison.
How do you know that?
I'm Cinda Canning, bitch.
"Bloody Mabel" Mora,
the freeloading 20-something who
has now been intimately involved
in three grisly murders
in the same building.
We will uncover the
roots of her violent past,
not only as victim and witness,
but also as a perpetrator.
Whatever you think you know about
me, it's not the whole story.
Girl, your crime is showing.
You've been stained. [LAUGHS]
Poppy, we don't need that line.
What are you knitting, Cindy?
Oh, Indiana. That's nice.

Oliver Putnam, the
derelict theater director
who almost killed 12 people
with his last Broadway outing,
has a long paper trail of
Bunny hatred over the years.
Don't you?
Say it, forget it. Write it, regret it.
You lunatic.
You wouldn't.
Tune in weekly as our
investigation unfolds in real time.
I'm Cinda Canning.
So we all heard that.
I can't believe she's investigating us.
And real time, too.
I mean, she's stealing our format.
We did invent that format, right?
What, the format where we
drop a true crime podcast
before we even have a story,
an ending, or even a crime?
Yeah, that's all us.
You know, Cinda Canning is very lucky
- that my attorney passed away.
- I thought you said he was disbarred.
This is no time for semantics, Charles!
She's stealing our format!
Cinda doesn't even know
what happened that night.
What did happen that night?
It's all a blur.

- Except
- Except?
I think Bunny said something.
What does that mean?
Okay, people, we know
what we have to do.
We need to go full "OliMabel" here.
- What the fuck?
- What?
OliMabel! That's our ship
name. All our names put into one.
Where is the "Charles" in "OliMabel"?
The Charles is silent.
Okay, so what we need to do
is break into Bunny's apartment.
- What?
- What?
We slip in real quick, we
find a clue that isn't us,
and then Cinda has nothing!
We can't be seen breaking
into Bunny's apartment!
Cinda finds that out,
everything blows up.
Yeah, well, our lives blow
up if we all go down for this.
And I sure as hell can
kiss Amy Schumer goodbye.
Schumer moved into Sting's
place. We're talking projects.
I-I'll tell you during the OliMabel.
Okay, you know you're not
using that remotely correctly?
It has gotten away from me, yes.
And I can't lose Brazzos either.
- What?
- They're rebooting Brazzos.
- Charles! You're Brazzos again!
- Oh my god! That's fantastic!
I am. Yeah, well, you
know, Uncle Brazzos.
Kind of a sexy Uncle Brazzos.
You know, they keep wanting
that beefcake thing from me.
And they have writers, multiple writers!
Not just some executive producer,
high on cocaine, screaming
dialogue into a tape recorder.
It's real.
Mabel, don't you want
to clear your name, too?
Look, what Cinda said wasn't wrong.
My whole life has been
defined by this crap.
Walking around blood.
I'd like to try and be an artist.
And last night, for a few minutes,
that felt maybe possible.
So, if it takes clearing my name
to feel that more
and finding who really did this
BUNNY: [MUFFLED] Fuck off, Oliver.
- Fuck off, Oliver.
- I'm sorry. I
- BUNNY: Fuck off.
- Is that Bunny?
- Are you hearing that, too?
MABEL: Yeah.

No one has to see us breaking in.
OLIVER: Shit How do I
- MABEL: Just kick it!
- CHARLES: Kick it!
OLIVER: Oh! Look at that.
- CHARLES: Quiet!
Ah! [THUD]
[SNIFFS] Oh my God.
The last time I was
in a space that small,
I'd had too many Cosmos in Vegas
and ended up on stage
with Penn and Teller.
[LAUGHS] You know, they
were about to saw me in half,
and m-my bladder was so full, so
I felt like an idiot, but I didn't
Okay, I really am good
with this story right now.
- Alright.
- Thank you! Me, too!

BUNNY: Get out.
BUNNY: Get out!
- Bunny had a bird?
- Still?
- Still?
You knew she had a bird?
Well, I mean, she got it decades ago
when birds were the hot pet,
before teacup pigs stole their mojo.
I just assumed it was dead.
Yellow-headed amazon. Beautiful.
Stuff it up your ass.
Well, it's definitely
got Bunny's potty mouth.
- Mm-hmm.
- Kinda makes me miss her.
Mrs. Gambolini.
- MABEL: Who's that.
- Oh, that's the bird.
Remember, Bunny was a freak. [SQUAWKS]
So listen, listen.
Since we are here, why don't we
just split up and search around?
Keep your eyes open for
anything that resembles a note.
- Note?
- Well, notes. [NERVOUS LAUGH]
I may have written a
few I'd like to retrieve.
Like, basically, how I wanted Bunny
to die when she was trying to evict us.
Oh, smart. Real smart.
Because, you know, death threats
always work out really well.
Okay, start scouring. Any
paper you find, put in this bag.
I'll go in the bedroom.

- MABEL: Okay.
- Alright. Quickly, quickly.
- I got this.
- Anything with my name on it
Look at this. Let's
put this in here too.
- Oh
- Shit!
OLIVER: Come on!
[LOUD WHISPER] Charles! Charles!
Someone is coming!
Bunny had a real eye for erotic art.
A lot of people didn't know that.
- I think it's Uma.
- HOWARD: I'm not surprised.
Bunny was a fuckin' freak.
And Howard.
UMA: This Rose Cooper
painting that she has,
it's very porny.
A naked man wrapped
around a woman's leg.
Very balls forward.
Maybe I'll own one someday.
Oh, fat chance. It's worth a fortune.
We need to wrap it up,
so I can take it to the appraiser.
- It's in the bedroom here.
- They're coming this way!
Come in here!
I'm telling you, this
thing is one of a kind.
This could be worth a million
There should be a
naked man on this wall!
Where are the balls, Howard?
I don't know.
God, her Rose Cooper.
It was here the day before she died.
[DOOR OPENS] Where is it?
Maybe we missed it out here?
No, I don't think we
saw it out there, Howard!
It's worth a million dollars!

Check this out.
Bunny had a secret elevator?
- Where does it go? Hell?
- Let's find out.
Wait! It's freezing in here.
[GRUNTS] Okay.
So someone stole a valuable
painting from Bunny?
- The killer?
- Uma said "porny."
Are we thinking full-frontal?
Bondage? Penetrada?
Okay, where are we?
Jesus, Bunny had a lot going on.
Yeah. Still, that was way too close.
But, we got a huge clue.
We find the painting,
we find the killer.
Oh, that's a good line,
Charles. S-say that again.
No, will you stop? There's no point
Just repeat the line!
It's a perfect ending for episode one.
Oliver, I agreed to
check Bunny's apartment,
- not podcast about it.
- Oh, so you'll just let
Cinda Canning tell the story she
wants to tell with no push-back?
Look, we know she's going
to make a killer podcast
that makes us all look like killers.
I'm gonna hate hearing
Cinda get it wrong.
And if she thinks it's us?
Do you still have that murder board?
I do.
I mean, it's just a corkboard
on wheels but, yeah, I have it.

Do you still have that boom mic?
You bet your ass I do, kid.
Well, I don't, actually. I
returned it in the 30-day window
to get my deposit,
but I can get it back!
New York City.
Who doesn't want to become
the talk of the town here?
I mean, make a name for
yourself in this city,
and it can feel like the
most sparkling place on Earth.
We've been warned not to speak out
or speak our truth.
To just let others tell our story.
But we here at Only
Murders In The Building
we will not be going quietly.
Nailed it.

Savage Savage

I-I came home, and
it-it was just here.
OLIVER: Bunny's painting?
Someone's really fucking with us.
MABEL: Charles
Is that you?
It's my father.
Pama loves mambo ♪
Mama loves mambo ♪
Papa does great with it,
swings like a gate with it ♪
He loses weight with it now ♪
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