Only Murders in the Building (2021) s03e05 Episode Script

Ah, Love!


Oliver Putnam, long considered
New York's most un-land-able bachelor,
is in love.
That's right. This merchandise
is off the market, bruh.
Ah! Loretta.
Whom you have yet to ask out.
You're not supposed to be here.
There was someone in his dressing room.
Whose lipstick is this?
I would imagine
it belongs to our killer.
You found my lipstick.
Charles-Haden Savage, I'd be honored.
The answer is yes.
I would love to marry you!
This is a fun twist.
Gentle melody playing ♪
JOY: Ah, love! You gotta love it.
Everywhere you look, there it is.
But in the city that never sleeps,
how do you really know
who the hell you're sleeping with?
People can conceal
some very dirty secrets.
Or fatally fatal flaws.
- Everything's fine.
Joy's just loudly shattering sea glass
to put in her aquarium.
Sure, sure.
Uh, have you asked your new fiancée
about the lipstick yet?
Did she write "fucking pig"
on Ben's dressing room mirror?
[LAUGHS] Oh yeah. No. But, I will.
Charles, you said
you would ask her two days ago.
Let us in. We can talk to her.
I am handling the situation
in my own time.
- See, I told you he didn't need our help,
but I do. Does this scarf say,
"Loretta, I've loved you
since the first day I met you"?
I don't know what the scarf is saying,
but all I can see is a crayon box.
OLIVER: Ah. Well, see, that's why
we always carry a backup.
- Thank you, Mabel.
- Charles,
I can calmly talk to Joy.
You know,
investigator woman to suspect woman.
She is not another Jan. I think.
She could be
but it's important for me
to be able to interrogate
my murderous girlfriend fiancée
- Shit.
What about my hair?
Is it giving Karen
- Mabel Mora, are you going out on a date?
- Date?
No! I No. No.
Tobert has a suspect he has a lead on.
I'm meeting him for a stakeout,
and the place has a dress code.
- Well, it's a date.
- Yeah.
It's a stakeout!
When two totally platonic,
semi-professional investigators
wait together,
in an out-of-sight, enclosed space,
and watch while a suspect
hopefully incriminates themselves,
- while we hold in our pee for hours
and eat stale Cheetos.
In a cocktail dress.
Look, I'm gonna unmute your texts.
I'll be in the wings
if anything should go haywire.
- I'll be okay.
JOY: Is it possible you're sleeping
next to a lunatic, or a liar?
- Sure, it is.

But I always tell people,
better lose your mind loving
than to live your life loveless.
It's been a while
since I dipped my quill
in a woman's ink pot.
Any new moves I should know about?
Please don't make me take the next one.
Lively theme song playing ♪
vocalizing ♪
soft music playing ♪

Joy, can you come in here, please?
Rapidly hums Wedding March ♪
Here comes the bride,
all dressed in white ♪
She's wearing a thong,
we hope that's not wrong ♪
We're late to taste ♪
Magnolia Bakery wedding cakes ♪
- [LAUGHS] Charlie, you ready to go?
- Yeah!
Yeah. Hey, Joy!
Hey, this, uh, Ruby Strippers lipstick?
- Uh-huh.
- Did I tell you where we found it?
It was backstage.
- Okay
- Yeah. It was
in Ben's dressing room to be exact.
I mean, any clue
how that would've gotten there?
[SIGHS] Hey, Brazzos.
Hang up your badge, okay?
We're on hiatus.
Remember? [BLOWS]
Yeah, b-but just for my case files,
how would it have gotten there?
- Seriously, President McKinley?
This is your last strike!
President McKinley?
I always wanted to be friends
with a president,
but this one's an asshole.
You think I don't see what you're doing,
you slimy-finned terrorist?
- I do not tolerate bullies.
You're in solitary, POTUS.
someone wrote a threatening
message on Ben's mirror with this.
Do you know anything about that?

Charles-Haden Savage.
Do you honestly think I had
something to do with Ben's death?
- Whoa!
- Happy engagement!
Whoa! Charles, you gotta
get you to my Pilates guy.
And my face guy.
You got a little Shar-Pei
action going on there.
- Sazzmatazz!
- Almond Joy!
You know, they say a gift given in love
has the power to wipe away
any storm brewing.
It's an 18-piece fondue set.
- Oh, thank you.
- Aw, we missed ya, Sazzmanian Devil.
Well, Wile E. Joy-ote,
apparently not enough
for your new fiancé
to make me his understudy in the play.
- Oh, well, I
- I'm over it.
I'm doing stunts for Bakula
next week in LA.
Are you cheating on me with Scott?!
JOY: Ooh.
- Do send Scotty my love.
I miss his faith in me.
He never accuses me of horrible things.
You know what, Charles?
You trust my palate, right?
I think that, uh, I can taste test
these cakes on my own.
You stay here with Sazz.
Maybe she wants to be interrogated.
- Ooh.
Okay, talk to mama.
- [SIGHS] Oh! Oliver, you're here.
- Ah.
- I thought I heard someone.
- You're a vision.
- Enchanté, ma chérie.
Oh. Welcome to my slice of New York.
It's itty-bitty,
but it's, you know, it's
- Oh! Mm-hmm.
- Art!
It's art.
[LORETTA SIGHS] Who are you?
[SIGHS] I'm a woman
with a broken microwave.
Which is why I'm forced to
[COUGHS] improvise with this
prehistoric broiler
that I never use! [LAUGHS]
You do like pork chops
though, don't you?
Oh, sure. Love solid food. Love
- chewing on a chop.
You know, I zap a perfectly pink one
in my microwave.
- Yeah? Mm
- But it's broken and now my timing,
- the temperature, all thrown off.
- C-Can I assist?
No, just, uh, pop a squat, kumquat.
- Oh.
So unique.
What's this fun thing?
- Oh no! Don't open that! Don't do that!
- Oh!
S I'm sorry. I didn't
Didn't mean to jump the gun.

Dinner before dessert, I always say.
soft piano playing ♪
There you are.
- Hi.
- Hi.
You look fantastic.
Thanks. You also look, um
Well, you know, I clean up.
So, we're here because your suspect
likes swanky piano bars?
Oh, I already ordered us
some, uh, bites.
I wasn't sure what your drink was.
EMCEE: Ladies and gentlemen,
let's give a warm welcome
Wait, what's going on?
Wh-Where's your lead?
- [OVER MICROPHONE] Hey, cool cats.
I'm Johnny Jay,
and I'm gonna sing for you tonight.
Jaunty piano tune begins ♪
Just a song at twilight ♪
When the lights are low ♪
Howard's sweet boyfriend is your guy?
Well, he was.
I thought he was a great suspect.
Ben's understudy?
Who else had more to gain
from him dying, you know?
But, I've been following him
around for a while now,
and all I could find out was that
he volunteers with Broadway Cares
and has this fantastic
weekly cabaret set.
- You've gotta be kidding me.
- No, seriously.
He did, uh, Somewhere Over The
Rainbow last week. I actually wept.
Let me get this straight.
You texted me saying you have a lead.
I text you saying "tell me more."
You say "meet me here," I'm here,
and now you're telling me
you don't have a lead.
You're just Jonathan's
biggest cabaret fan.
And now, I am on a date
with that cute girl from the armoire.
Piano continues ♪
Okay, yes, I got creative.
Is that okay?
Mezcal old-fashioned.
Is my drink.
That I'm now gonna need.
WAITER: Yes, ma'am.
- SAZZ: Let's unpack what just happened.
Safe space. Well, safe-ish. [LAUGHS]
This is the Arconia.
Oh, abnormal amount
of death in this place.
By the way, are we sure
that the killer was after Ben,
- and not you, Charles?
- What?
Well, I've been getting some vibes.
I also have my ham radio,
and there's chatter of people
wishing it was you instead of Ben.
- Me?!
- Anywhos,
what's going on with Joy?
And have you talked
to a therapist about it?
- I don't have a therapist.
- I know you don't.
It was always worth me asking,
'cause that big white head of yours?
[LAUGHS] Could use a good shrinking.
Ah, Jan and I laugh about that.
- Jan?
- Whoa!
I should've trigger-warned. Yes, yes.
I have continued to see Jan, yes.
As in dating? She's a murderer.
You know, I guess it's the,
uh, stuntwoman in me.
I got the hots for danger. [SOFT LAUGH]
Anyway, it's a bit
hard behind plexiglass.
Or, as Jan calls it, sexi-glass.
There's only so much you can do
with a raised eyebrow,
a wet lip, and a sliver of tit.
God, you are tense, man.
- I'm worried that Joy is another killer.
- What?!
We've known her for decades.
No, no, no, no, no.
You've got the case
and the engagement all mushed up.
You have to prove to
yourself Joy's not a murderer,
so you can go ahead with the wedding.
No. I have to prove
Joy isn't a murderer,
so I can break up with her
and not be in fear for
my life like I was with Jan!
Charles, you are suffering from MGDS:
Murderous Girlfriend
Derangement Syndrome.
It's rare. I invented it.
But it also means I know the treatment.
Whoa. You know you got
the Rolls Royce of fish tanks here.

We're gonna play a game.
- Cheers.
So glad we didn't waste our
money going to Le Cirque.
- Yeah.
It's so solid.
So fully formed, you know?
- Damn broiler. I'm just
- No, it's just
Oh, what the hell, I'm just gonna
Look at this. [LOUD GRUNT]
That's what I'm gonna
- Well
- Wh-Why cut it?
Why not?
So good. [SMACKS LIPS]

- Oh, my God!
- Oh!
- So sorry!
- Is that mine?!
- LORETTA: Oh no, I'm so mortified!
Let me get you some ice or something.
No, no, no, I don't
I-I actually don't feel anything
- You sure?
- No.
Oh God.
- I love that little snort you do.
- [LAUGHS] You do?
- LORETTA: Yeah,
I do. [LAUGHS]
You're like an adorable little piglet.
I played a pig in the
cruise ship production
of Charlotte's Web once, in my 30s,
but I think I really honed my snort
when I played Snowball
in a black box production
of, um, Animal Farm.
How many pigs have you played?
I don't know. [OINKING]
- Come on.
Fucking pigs. Fucking pi
Hey, you know who was
a real fucking pig? [LAUGHS]
Ben Glenroy.
Let's toast to him.

- What's the matter?
- N-Nothing.
You just went white.
No, no, no, nothing.
I just, um, it's just those words.
Did you ever tell Ben that?
That he was a, how'd you put it,
a fucking pig?
Let's not talk about Ben now. I mean
Yes! No, no, no. No, no, no, n
No more Ben talk. No more Ben. No Ben.
- Did I just make things weird?
- No! No, no, no. No. Just
- Yes.
You poor thing. Your tooth.
Do you trust me?
Wanna get outta here?
I know just the place for this.
Upbeat piano playing ♪
Meet me tonight in dreamland ♪
Mm! Okay,
so your drink of choice, mezcal.
Your weather of choice, rain.
And your favorite time of day, night.
Not exactly a fount of information,
are you?
Hey, you got me here
under false pretenses.
I'm making you work for it. [LAUGHS]
That's fair. So, um,
Oliver and Charles, what is that deal?
Are they, like, your dads, your patrons,
your volunteer work, what? [LAUGHS]
No! They're my best buds.
Okay. That's rad.
But, like, what do you talk about?
Murder, mostly.
And how to connect to Bluetooth.
We talk about that a lot.
So what do you say?
Have I earned a second round?
- WAITER: Yes, ma'am?
- Two more, please.
WAITER: Coming right up.
Alright, so who's in your crew?
And wildlife doesn't count.
Honestly, it's really tough
to stay in contact
with anybody when
you're constantly traveling.
And if you don't have a partner
to ground you, put down roots
Is that something you want?
I think about it.
Welcome to "Commit Or Be Committed!"
And tonight's contestants are me,
in the role of Joy Payne,
makeup artist to the stars.
And playing opposite Joy,
you know him as Brazzos,
- Charles-Haden Savage!
Our first category
is sexual relations.
[WHISPERS] Now, remember. I'm Joy.
I need sex twice a day,
three times on weekends!
[IMITATES BUZZER] Wrong answer!
Nothing wrong with
a supercharged sex drive, Charles.
Our next category is the future.
[IMITATING JOY] You are my future.
And I'll never, ever leave you, Charlie.
Never! Never ever!
- Well! Our first green light.
Alright. You're up. Dig deep.
Joy has been this close
to my face for 30-plus years,
looking at every flaw and pore,
and she still wants to jump my bones,
often twice a day.
Now, isn't that the behavior
of a psychopath?
Mm, sounds like the behavior of
someone who loves you for you.
But I'm me.
Look at me. Is this the face
of someone who deserves Joy?
- SAZZ: Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!
I think we have a diagnosis.
Charles-Haden Savage,
you're not afraid of uppercase "J" Joy.
You're afraid of lowercase "j" joy.

That's it.
That's my problem.
Now do you still think
she's capable of murder?
No, I was crazy for thinking that.
No, you're not that complex.
You do need to stop being a scaredy cat.

- Oh, my gosh.
- You know, it is truly amazing
that you can charter a yacht
in the greatest city on
Earth for four dollars.
[LAUGHS] Yeah.
[LAUGHS] Is there a destination?
- The tropics?
- You'll see.
Pick your poison.
- Now, we're talking.
- Look, that joint has purple rolling paper.
- I know.
[INDIAN ACCENT] Do you doobie, baby?
My 12th roommate, Babette Claus,
gave me this back in 1978.
- Wait, Babette? I-Is
- Yeah.
Is that the chorus girl
that got struck by lightning
- skinny dipping in Central Park
- Skinny dipping, Central Park Reservoir.
- I know Mm-hmm.
- Oh my Okay, this is this is insane.
I rolled 10 joints for Babette
using a purple streamer
from Studio 54 that year.
- At Grace Jones'
- Her 30th birthday party!
- I was at that party! Yes, I was!
- No, you were not.
Oh, my God!
That's the only time
I ever got in there. [LAUGHS]
This is ridic I can't believe this.
I think I rolled that joint.
- Now, spark it, baby!
- Wow.
So I guess I guess we've been
running in the same circles
for a long time.
- Oh, yes.
- It's a shame our orbits never crossed.
Well, I may not have been on your radar,
but you were certainly on mine.
I would've killed to be in
one of your productions but [SNIFFS]
something always
happened to screw it up.
Like my ponytail got stuck
in the subway doors once
on the way to audition for your
Merry Wives.
Oh, and then there was
the time Bernadette Peters
gave me a bottled water
that was laced with Valium.
And then I passed
out in the waiting room,
and I missed the chance
to be your Annie Oakley.
- You made that all up, didn't you?
Oh Jesus.
- Dear God. Oh my
Yeah, but you know,
it is always something
just infuriatingly, um, banal.
Like, "your accent is too authentic,"
o-or, "casting doesn't like you,"
or I don't know.
You know, when I was a kid,
they called me Lucky Durkin
because I won the
school raffle four times.
But, since then
Some nickname that turned out to be.
Maybe I'm just cursed. [WEAK LAUGH]
Or it's probably
what I deserve.
Oh, come on. What could you
have done to deserve being cursed?
Open your mouth.


- That was super sexy.
Am I crazy? [LAUGHS]
I thi
I think the gap is handsome.
Well, that might be
the 40-year-old weed taking effect,
- you know?
There let my dreams ♪
Come true ♪
God, I can't believe you ever thought
Jonathan was
A murdering man ♪
That's still not a song, but cute.
So, what, you solved the first two
murders just on your first try, I presume?
Yeah, totally.
Between me, Charles, and Oliver,
it's just, like, a one-day process.
Well, lucky for me, this one's
taking you a little bit longer.
Soft piano playing ♪
Oh, there's Jonathan again.
Who's he hugging hello?
No! Don't look. Don't draw attention.
Could Jonathan be
No, he wouldn't cheat on Howard.
With who? There's somebody?
Describe him.
Well, he looks like
he should be in a limo.
Rider or driver, I can't tell.
That's your description?
- He's wearing a red coat and a cap.
- Huh.
MABEL: Oh, now Jonathan's
handing him an envelope,
and the guy is giving
him a slip of paper?
Okay, this is killing me.
I'm just gonna come to that side,
- and we can both be watching.
- No!
- Sorry! Sorry. You okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
I think we should stay
down here for a second.
- Okay, I gotta look.
- No, no, no, don't.
You look, he'll definitely see you.
I mean, unless we do the classic move
from the secret spy movies
where the target looks,
and just sees two unassuming
secret agents making out.
Yeah, I don't think
that'll be necessary.
- They didn't see us.
- Well.

Ah, we should've done the kissing thing.
What the hell?
We need to figure out
who this guy in the cap is.
Actually, I think I do know that guy.

- LORETTA: We were very tired.
We were very merry.
We had gone back and forth
all night on the ferry.
This is really
really nice.
- It is.
[SIGHS] I'm sorry about earlier.
At my place.
I didn't mean to get weird about Ben.
I just had an idea about tonight
and talking about a dead person
just didn't feel like the mood.
Well, it-it-it's alright
to talk about him.
You know, I mean it-it's quite
the thing we all went through.
- Yeah.
- It's just
- that was a very
specific turn of phrase you used.
"Fucking pig."
[LAUGHS] Yeah, shit, because I
I did call him that. [SIGHS]

We had a fight.
Just half an hour before he
went on the stage that night.
He said that I was obsessed with him,
and that, uh, I had wormed
my way into the show
and that he didn't really want to
share the stage with a no-name.
So, I Yeah, I snapped.
"You fucking pig."
Let go of me, you fucking pig!
The last thing I said to him
before he collapsed. Ugh.
But I was
far from the only person in that
theater who felt that way about him.
He was an asshole to everybody.
Even his [SIGHS]
kind-hearted brother.

But I'm really sorry you
didn't get your opening night.
Well, I'm sorry he was terrible to you.
I adore you,
Loretta Lucky Durkin,
and everything about you.
Apart from that pork chop.
I'll never forgive you for that.
Here we are.
This is why I brought you
out on the ferry!
Family tradition.
When I was a girl,
whenever I lost a tooth,
my mom would take me out
on the Mississippi River,
on the ferry boat and
when we got underneath a bridge,
we'd throw the tooth overboard
and make a wish.
The Tooth Fairy can swim?
- It's
- Tooth ferry.
- Tooth ferry!
- Yeah.
- Okay, okay.
- I know, it's really corny.
Oh, I-I'm a
- big fan of corny.
- Well, here's your tooth.
Right. Alright.

vocalizing ♪
What'd you wish for?
Gentle crescendo ♪
music fades ♪
So who was he?
That was Thank you.
That was Ben's private doctor.
One of those, uh, celebrity concierge,
prescription-filler types.
He's actually come to see Ben
a few times this past year.
Huh. You know what for?
Uh, they never let me in the room.
I just know they call him Dr. C.
Great, that's a perfect combination
of mysterious and un-Googleable.
But what was he talking
to Jonathan about?
And if Jonathan was
paying him for something
You are so cute when you theorize.
We should get outta here.
Hey! I'm sorry you missed Sazz.
She asked me to give you
a playful punch on the arm,
but I don't wanna do that.
How'd the tasting go?
I brought back 20 samples,
so I wouldn't accidentally leave
a particular flavor behind
and have you give me
the third degree about it.
Oh, about that.
I-I'm sorry I gave you a hard time
about the lipstick.
I was backstage on opening night.
Howard summoned me back there in a panic
because Ben had a cosmetic emergency.
I don't know, I guess
somebody hit him in the face,
and left a big red mark,
- and it needed covering, which I did.
- Oh, wow.
I'm guessing that my lipstick fell out
of my clutch when I was back there.
But I didn't write on his mirror
because I didn't kill Ben, Charlie.
Well, here's one I never told anyone.
I may, uh probably,
have been the person who hit Ben.
- [SCREAMS] Let go of me, you fucking pig!
What the hell's going on?
- LORETTA: He attacked me!
- No, I didn't
We were rehearsing.
Stay out of it, fuckbag!
Wait, you hit Ben? The night he died?
And yet, for some reason,
you've been thinking that
I could be the killer?
Wh For how long?
- Oh, not long at all.
- Oh.
I mean, at first, I was like,
"Joy? My Joy? No way!"
But then,
Oliver and Mabel weren't so sure.
Wh You talked about this
with everyone else except me?
And you still proposed
thinking all this?
Well, you know, funny story.
That was actually an accident.
No. Not a I mean, it was, but then
You didn't mean to propose to me?
No, I didn't.
Wow. Okay.
Gut punch.

Do you wanna marry me now?
I do! And it was great
that you left me with Sazz
because she did this thing
with the fish tank, and a quiz.
And it was like, uh,
"Is Joy a nymphomaniac?"
Do you hear yourself right now?
I think of all the years of you
in my makeup chair, Charlie.
Little winks in the mirror.
That kick in your step
when you hopped up,
looking good to go to the set.
I always thought we had
something special, Charlie!
So I looked past all the stuff.
Your ego, your self-absorption,
your psoriasis elbows.
- You gave me a cream
- It's not working!
You know, Charlie,
I've been trying to
have an open dialogue
about what we both want.
But I'm kidding myself
to think you're really ready
to open up to a woman as open as I am.
I tried telling myself
you're gonna change,
but I think it might
be too late for you.
It's not too late
because I have realized
you are Joy
and joy.
And I can embrace both of you.
And I want to, Joy.
I do. I do.

Embrace this.
The engagement's off.
Only two other men
have seen this before.

TOBERT: I was pretty confident
going into tonight,
but I did not expect to get
all the way to the Murder Board.
- Wow, really? [LAUGHS]
- Due diligence.
You really know how
to make a guy feel special.
- May I?
- Uh, I
don't know.
I'm worried about your handwriting.
You shouldn't be.

Look at us.
Real-life Rizzoli and Isles over here.
What are you doing?
Following the lead.

I may not be good at dinner
But you excel at dessert. [SOFT LAUGH]

Shall I draw us a bath?
- OLIVER: You have one in here?
- Well, it's
more of a glorified barrel.
OLIVER: Sounds cozy-wozy.

JOY: I will say
one other thing about love.
There are times
when you've been totally blinded
by the mirage of your own desires.
Vocalizing ♪
JOY: And when the truth
of who you gave your heart to,
of who they really are
is suddenly staring
you right in the face?

It might be a sign that things
just aren't meant to be.
Or worse.
LORETTA: Oliver?
I'm waiting
Gentle piano melody playing ♪

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