Only Murders in the Building (2021) s03e06 Episode Script

Ghost Light

- OLIVER: Are you going out on a date?
- Date?
No! Tobert has a
suspect he has a lead on.
I'm meeting him for a stakeout,
and the place has a dress code.
Jonathan? Howard's sweet
boyfriend was your guy?
Who else had more to gain
from him dying, you know?
Who's he hugging hello?
He's wearing a red coat and a cap.
That was Ben's private doctor. One
of those, uh, celebrity concierge,
prescription-filler types.
You're here! Welcome
to my slice of New York.
Hey, you know who was
a real fucking pig?
Ben Glenroy.
You didn't mean to propose to me?
No, I didn't.

Mabel, be my partner.
I already have partners.
The old guys? No, they're
busy putting together
another bomb of a Broadway
show, which leaves you where?
Shall I draw us a bath?
I'm waiting
HOWARD: Theaters are
known for their ghosts.
- Take the Goosebury.
In 1919,
Gideon Goosebury was a rising
star on the Great White Way.
But on opening night,
playing the lovesick chimney
sweep in Ashes to Ashes,
a 300-pound sandbag came
loose from the rafters
and brained him in the middle
of his second-act monologue.
Legend has it,
if you don't sweep Gideon's
energy off the stage every night,
he'll find a way to curse your show.
There was the cholera outbreak
that tore through the
company of Hamlet in 1949,
John Gielgud's crippling shingles attack
during The Iceman Cometh revival in '88,
and now the death of Ben Glenroy.

When you make the stage
a part of your life,
it can be hard to escape
your personal ghosts, too.
Your obsessions.
Your failures.
Just when you think you've broken
free from your old patterns,
They come back to haunt you.
CHARLES: I know, President McKinley,
Joy took everything.
Except you and me.
The guys with the attitude problems.
But we'll be fine.
We have each other.
HOWARD: But what do you do when
your future starts haunting you?
The choices you'll never make.
The lives you'll never lead.
What's more dangerous
than someone whose dreams have died?
Howard! What's wrong?
I have something I need to confess.
I killed Ben Glenroy.
HOWARD: Legend has it,
three sweeps to the north,
three sweeps to the south, you're safe.
I did that every night
during Death Rattle.
But on opening night,
[SOB] I didn't sweep
[SHUDDERS] and Ben died!
- [SIGHS] Hold on.
I thought you said
you killed Ben Glenroy.
- Yes.
- CHARLES: Now, you're saying
a ghost killed Ben Glenroy.
Yes, Charles! It's perfectly simple!
I was protecting our show
from a malevolent spirit
with a nightly sweeping ritual.
[SIGHS] But on opening night,
I went to get the broom from KT's office
and it was locked.
Strange noises coming from within.
I should have found her. I
should have gotten the key.
But I try to never interact with
KT because of her casual cruelty.
And her breath.
So I didn't sweep, and five hours later,
Ben was dead! [SOBS]
Howard, why haven't you told
anyone about this before?
I guess I convinced myself
it was all in my head.
But then, this morning,
- I saw him.
- ALL: Who?
- Gideon.
I was at the theater.
I was sweeping
because we're moving back
into the theater tomorrow
and I wanna make sure
it's completely ghost-free.
And I heard a noise.
[ECHOING] Hello?
Is someone there?
I know Krav Maga!
[NARRATING] And there he was,
in his signature cap and red coat.
I said
Gideon Goosebury!
Is that you?
[NARRATING] And he said
Howard, I hate to break it to
you, but ghosts aren't real.
Oh, of course, they are.
Ho! Man in towel!
Yes, Charles, I'm aware.
- Spoiler alert.
- MABEL: Nope,
not the correct usage
of that whatsoever.
- Plot twist?
- Still no.
You know, I shot a ghost hunter doc once
and we spent an entire night
aboard the haunted Queen Mary.
Around 3:00 AM, alone
in the dining room,
I saw her with my own two
eyes, the Lady in White.
Did you know that Queen Mary was
England's first queen regnant?
A lot of people think it was
Matilda from the 12th century
but she was never actually crowned.
Charles, if the goal was to
offer a more interesting anecdote,
we're headed in the wrong direction.
Is anyone hearing what I'm saying?!
There is a murderous ghost
loose in our theater right now
and he's coming from one of us next!
- Oh! God! I'm telling you
- Howard, breathe!
Hey, just, uh, give us a moment. Hm?
Hey, what's up with your tooth?
Oh, it's a temporary. If I like it,
the dentist says he'll do the
rest to match. What do you think?
- Bright. Like a headlight.
- Oh. Ah.
Okay. Obviously, Howard
didn't see an actual ghost
but I still think it's
worthwhile us going over there.
Oh, I totally agree.
S [LAUGHS] Sorry. We're
having a conversation here.
Mabel, did you hear what he said
about the cap and the red coat?
- I mean, it kinda sounds like
- Ben's doctor?
- I had the same thought.
- OLIVER: Jesus.
Right, so he saw us last night,
and then realized he'd been made
So he goes straight to the theater
this morning to cover his tracks.
Exactly. I mean, if he and
Jonathan are behind the poisoning,
then they'd definitely wanna
make sure there's no evidence.
- That's good.
Oh, sorry. Hi! We're still here.
Yeah, the original three who
came into the dining room.
Yeah, remember that?
You suspect Jonathan now?
And you're investigating with this guy?
Jonathan was Ben's understudy.
That's a pretty big motive.
And I told you I was going on a
stakeout with Tobert last night.
Oh yeah. Right. I forgot.
I was probably preoccupied with Joy,
who left me, by the way. Spoiler alert.
Wait, Joy left you? When?
- CHARLES: Yesterday.
- Are you okay, Charles?
Oh, I'm fine. I'm fine.
This is not my first rodeo.
This old clown's been
bucked by Lady Love before
and got back up to ride again.
- Very convincing.
- Well, the point is I'm completely fine,
and Joy did not write "fucking pig."
- Well, someone did.
Is it possible this ghost thing
is Howard trying to cover for Jonathan?
He sounded genuinely distraught.
And we all know that Howard can't
act his way out of a damp paper bag.
Here's a thought. Why
don't I go with Howard
to the theater alone?
I'll throw him a bone.
We can look into his
ghost thing, you know?
- What?
- Nothing, it's just surprising.
You haven't exactly been
driving this investigation.
In fact, you've been anti-investigation.
Well, why don't I make it up
to you with a little solo mish?
Mish is short f-for mishegoss.
No way. I'm coming, too.
- If you're going, so am I.
- Alright, I'm gonna tell Tobert.
Wait! Mabel, a word? You
know, we're kind of a trio.
And we're not hiring.
Alright, fine.
This'll be fun, the
three of us together.
- I've missed this.
Hey! Jack, Janet, and Chrissy,
can we speed this up, please?!
It's a Three's Company reference!
Those were the original
character names on the show
before they changed Chrissy to Cindy!
Why the fuck am I yelling?!
Oh, oh, oh, oh, I know! Because there is
- a murderous ghost on the loose!
- [QUIETLY] It's dark in here.
- [LOUDLY] Except for the ghost light.
Whoever Howard saw might
still be here. Keep it down.
[QUIETLY] I'm sorry. I
was saying the ghost light
is an old theater tradition.
It has to stay on at all times,
and it never ever goes out.
Nonbeliever says what?
That was kinda strange.
No, no, KT probably did it.
She must be here running cues.
Why don't you all go see if she's
in the booth behind the balcony
and I'll look around the
dressing rooms? Good? Good.
No! We have to stick together.
That's right. First
rule of every horror movie.
- Never get separated.
All this commotion can't be
good for President McKinley.
- The fish is named President McKinley?
- Why is he here with us again?
Imagine you're in a fish tank
all day long, and you look out,
and you see two people walking by.
And then one day, you only see one.
He could be traumatized.
That's exactly how Gideon died.
It is?
Could Gideon be out for me now?
Charles, do not make this all about you!
Okay, maybe it is about you.
- Oh God, oh God, oh God.
Broom! I need that broom!
Damn it, Howard, you made
me fuck up my highlighting.
KT, we may have an issue.
The issue is I was just nearly
killed by two falling sandbags.
Ladies and gentlemen, stay calm.
I'm gonna need everyone
to keep the stage clear
while I safety check the flies.
Now, who has small hands who
can help me test the ropes?
Take Howard. He has hands
like an American Girl doll.
- I do not.
- Howard, go with KT.
Do literally whatever she says.
- Is this an attendance sheet?
- Yeah, it's a sign-in sheet.
You sign in when you
come in at half hour.
Handwriting samples from the whole cast.
We can use this to compare to
the "fucking pig" on Ben's mirror.
Oh, I don't know. I don't
think that would be very helpful.
It's exactly the kind of
thing that you would do.
I basically pulled it from
the Oliver Putnam playbook.
Well, that playbook
is mine to play with,
so gimme that.
Is he leaking? His water seems low.
I still don't understand
why you brought him.
Oh. Well,
this is a little
embarrassing to say, but
this fish is all I have right now.
It's not like all of us
have hot new boyfriends.
Tobert is not my boyfriend.
Oh, so you do pronounce the final T.
It's not like a French cheese. Tobere
[FRENCH ACCENT] Uh, garçon? S'il
vous plaît, I would like a le Tobere.
- Oh, oui, monsieur. Et votre
- Okay!
- I'm just gonna cut you off at the cheese.
- Well
did you record with him for our podcast?
- No!
- Well,
you showed him our Murder Board.
And how about our red string?
Did you let his handsome fingers
move our red string around?
- Charles.
- Well, how can we trust you
with confidential case information
when we know you might share it
with a stranger at any moment?
How can you trust me? Wha I
And he's not a stranger.
We just have to be careful
who we get involved with.
Yeah, and I think I have a better
track record with that than you.
Tobert has done more for this case
in the past two days than
you have the past two weeks.
Okay, yeah. But I've been busy.
Yeah, but I [SIGHS]
- Where the hell is Oliver?
- You know,
President McKinley
is definitely leaking.
I need to find something to put him in.
I think there's a props
closet down the hall.
Yeah, you go ahead and do that,
Oliver can do whatever
the hell he's doing,
and I'll keep investigating,
alone, as usual!

I really don't see it.
How many ways are there
to write an F anyway?
Son of a bitch.
Th-There's something here
I think you should see.
Is someone there?
I also know Krav Maga!

I'm coming up, so
I'm here.
My God, this looks like the Phantom
of the Opera's college dorm room.
You're right. I never
should have brought you here.
Hello. Get you a little water.
- No problem. Ooh.
You're an indoor fish.
You belong in a tank.
Water is water, right?
Hey, who loves you? Go
ahead, stretch out. [LAUGHS]
I'll be back to get you when we're done.

No need to panic.
My friends will notice I'm gone,
and they'll come back to get me.
[EMPHATICALLY] I said don't panic!

- Ah!
Jesus Christ, you bit me.
Yeah, well, that's just the tip
of the incisor, you fucking
Jerry? Jerry Blau?
Oliver. Oh, thank
God, a fellow director.
You shouldn't sneak up on
people like that, Jerry!
I'm not a young man! You
could've given me a heart attack!
I'm sorry, Ollie. I thought you
were someone coming to kick me out.
What are you doing here?
Donna fired you off
this show a year ago.
Are you living in here?
No. I mean, yes. I'm squatting.
But there's a rich tradition
of that in the theater, right?
I did spend a complicated three months
living in Maureen Stapleton's mud room.
But this is a different situation!
You shouldn't be here, Jerry.
Just wait. I can explain.
Have a seat.
Can I interest you in a snack?
No, I'm good. Thanks.
It's so nice having company.
- Oh!
Charles? Oliver?

- Tobert?
- Wow. Look,
I know that you wanted to
be with your guys, okay?
But I decided to tail Jonathan and
he led me right here to the theater.
- Shh.
- That's him.
Alright, come on. Let's go.
[CLEARS THROAT] Maybe unhand me?
- Oh! Yeah, sorry.
- Thanks.
Hey, I'm glad you came.
- You don't like me, do you?
- KT: You're irrelevant to the show.
Therefore, you're irrelevant to me.
Irrelevant? I have
been protecting this show
from negative spirits since day one.
And if you hadn't locked
your office on opening night,
I wouldn't have missed a day and
Ben Glenroy might still be alive.
[SIGHS] First of all, my
office door is never locked.
It was locked on opening night.
Not by me it wasn't.
And what negative spirits?
- Not Gideon.
[WHISPERS] You know about Gideon?
Fuck it, Howard, I've done
43 shows in this building!
Of course, I know about Gideon!
But do you know how dangerous he can be?
I do. That's why I was sweeping.
Fuckin' amateur hour.
Sweeping does nothing.
- It doesn't?
- Mm-mmm.
This is the closest I've
ever come to my dream job
and I fucked it up.
Your dream job was to be an assistant?
No, an actor. I always wanted to act.
But then, in junior high,
I got cast as John
Proctor in The Crucible.
KT: Mm.
- It was thrilling at first.
Feeling the spotlight warm my face
the first time I
delivered my big monologue.
But after the show, my mother told me
my stage voice was matronly and shrill.
She said she never wanted to hear
me use that voice again in public.
So I quit before I even began.
I always wanted to be
a director. [LAUGHS]
But that ship has sailed.
Don't say that.
You're not Gideon.
You're not dead. Yet.
You don't sweep Gideon away.
You have to include him. Come on.
How long have I been
abandoned? One hour? Five hours?
Nice to know I'm missed, huh?
[SIGHS] You know what?
Maybe you're right.
If you piss off everyone in your tank,
how can you blame them when
you end up alone? [SCOFFS]
Wh-Why did I have to make fun
of that guy's name? "Tobert."
It's a perfectly good name!
But we're gonna get
through this, you and me.
You don't mind if I
relieve myself, do ya?
[GROANS] I had two cups of coffee,
and who knows how long
we're gonna be in here.
- After Donna fired me,
Marshall and I had a dispute
about my ability to
continue paying our mortgage
and I was asked to vacate the premises.
Luckily, this place is free,
as long as I don't get caught. Shh
So, you're the ghost?
Your manservant spotted me this morning.
I heard him ranting
about Gideon Goosebury,
and I thought if I
could pretend to be him,
offer a few frights,
drop a few sandbags,
it might scare you all off.
Long shot, I know, but
is there also any chance
that you killed Ben Glenroy?
Really, Oliver? I'm offended.
I may have suffered
a minor career setback
but I'm not a monster!
- Ah! Oh my Is that a rat?!
You came on a good night.
I doubt I'll have a
good night ever again.
You okay, Ollie?

You know the first rule of theater?
Don't feed Hugh Jackman after midnight.
- The other one.
- Oh!
You fell in love with
one of your actors.
- Lady with the braids?
- Mm-hmm.
Now you're worried because
of her violent temper.
What? Wh-What violent temper?
Well, you know what happened
backstage on opening night?
Oh! You don't know.
Well [LAUGHS] luckily, you're
not the only director here.
[SIGHS] Voilà. Puppets.
Oh good lord.
See? I keep busy. [LAUGHS]
then, I say to the guy,
"Look, if you're so tough,
then you ride the moped
into the chimp enclosure."
And he goes [LAUGHS]
[WHEEZING] Mr. President!
- TOBERT: Thank you.
- Uh Give those back.
- What's this?
- Dr. Hiram Camareri.
- Dr. C, I presume?
- I don't know what you're talking about.
Come on, Jonathan. You
know we just saw you
with Ben's doctor last night.
Alright. Fine.
I've been really anxious
since taking over Ben's part.
It's a lot of pressure being the lead.
So I asked Dr. C for some help. He
could get Ben anything he wanted.
So he gave me the
"leading man cocktail."
It's a mix of beta
blockers, Propecia, HGH,
and just a dash of methamphetamine.
All the same things Ben was taking.
So you didn't wanna be the lead.
And please don't tell Howard.
He wouldn't understand.
It's his dream,
but he has no idea what it's like
to carry the weight of an
entire show on your shoulders.
[SOBS] Everybody knows you don't
take a fish in the theater, you idiot!
Oh jeez!
President McKinley! Oh!
Ho! Ho! Ho!
I saved you from your
second assassination attempt.
This is the universe telling us that
no matter what kind of hardships,
we Wait. Is that an intercom?
Hello? This is Charles. [CLICKS, WHIRS]
This I'm in the Can you
hear me? I'm in the prop room!

Ah! Ah! Ah
Hey, w-we got a smoke issue!
Now, at half hour on
the night in question,
I saw Braids Lady jawboning
with Mr. Movie Star Man
while they were rehearsing
their big fight scene
on the steps of the lighthouse.
Something set her off.
Probably Movie Man taking the
stage-choking a scooch too far.
He gets rough, so she gets in his face
and calls him, and I quote,
a "Cocksucking ding-dong."
That doesn't sound like her.
I'm up in the rafters. I'm
only getting every third word.
It could have been "fucking pig."
Anyway, now,
the Albino Fella comes along.
You mean Charles?
The has-been with the hair, yeah.
He comes right in the
middle of all of this
and clocks Mr. Movie
Star right in the kisser.
Charles punched Ben?
You didn't know any of this?

Are you sure this'll work?
It's worked 42 times before.
And this is the actual monologue
Gideon was giving the moment he died?
Yep. Now, call him to the stage.
Gideon, are you there?
Oh, come on! Use your stage voice!
[ECHOING]: Sing out, Louise!
- [YELLING] Oh, Gideon.
- [PROJECTING] Your stage voice!
We come not to banish but to praise you!
Join us so we may finish
your great unfinished work!
- Don't forget to direct me. [CLEARS THROAT]
- Oh. Okay.
"Oh, Irene, how could
a poor sweep like me
ever hope to win the love of
a fine lady like yourself?"
- It's a strong start.
- Thanks.
- CHARLES: If you are seeing this video,
it means that I am dead.
I perished alone
with only a fish as my witness.
Now, I know what you're thinking.
You're thinking, "Charles,
why didn't you scream?" Well, I did!
"Why didn't you call
somebody on your phone?"
Because I'm in a closet with no bars!
"Why didn't you use your jimmy keys?"
Jimmy keys?
Hello, baby.
- What do we really know?
Loretta hated Ben.
She was violent towards Ben.
She had a motive and
opportunity to kill Ben.
But, does that make her
a murderer or just
God, I'm screwed, aren't I?
Oliver, how far do you and I go back?
All the way back to
our original hairlines.
All the way back to the
dawn of off-off-off-Broadway.
And back then, you told
me the key to directing.
Yes, I remember.
- Remind me.
- You said,
"The only wrong choice is no choice.
Indecision is death."
I said that? Jesus, it's so bleak.
You are not a young man, Oliver.
You said so yourself.
It's time to shit or get off the bucket.
Choose what matters to you
and then do whatever
you have to do to get it.
Or you'll end up like me.
Neither behind the scene or on stage.
More dead than alive.

Thanks, Jer. I know what I have to do.
Oliver, you won't tell
anyone I'm here, right?
I won't tell. But
you should really go home to Marshall.
And eat his food?
- So Ben was on all of those drugs.
Well, when Jonathan said the
cocktail had a dash of meth,
why didn't that show up in his autopsy?
- Oh! Oh, thank God!
MABEL: Charles?!
- Mother?
- Charles!
Oh! Mabel! I was trapped.
Years went by! Do I have
a beard? Is SNL still on?
You were gone for 20 minutes.
Oh, well, I-I'm parched and I'm weak.
You know what, let me see if I
can find you some electrolytes.
Thank you! Finally,
someone's thinking about me!
Thank you, Tobert!
Did you ask him to come down here?
Are we partnering with him now?
[SIGHS] He came here on
his own to follow a lead,
like investigators do
in an investigation.
Oh, I'm sorry, but who left
who to die in a fog closet?
Who left
I swear, you and Oliver are
working my last nerve today.
Really? Where is Oliver?
"When I think of you giving
your heart to another,
I die a thousand deaths."
- Bigger!
- [BIGGER] "A thousand deaths!"
Yes, it's working! Okay, pace it up!
[RAPIDLY] "I'll never
rest until we're together
as we were meant to be."
- Yes! Feel him inside you!
[ECHOING] Gideon!
Gideon is with us! [LAUGHS]
Oliver, stop! What are you doing?!
- I'm making a choice.
- That's evidence!
This isn't a crime scene anymore,
Mabel. The police got their guy.
It's a dressing room.
And since we're coming in
here tomorrow for rehearsal,
it needs to be cleaned.
Oliver, you're crossing a line.
Oh, I'm crossing a line?
This from the guy who punched Ben
Glenroy on the night of the murder
and conveniently forgot
to tell us about it.
You what? You punched Ben?
Because he attacked Loretta and
I told him to stay away from her.
But the real question is,
why is your production so out of control
that your actors are beating
each other up on opening night?
Oh, this is my fault, is it?
Well, you're the director. Someone
has to be responsible for the fact
that your show is a death trap.
Today alone, I almost died three times.
- What?
- Two sandbags and a killer fog.
Well, I'm so, so sorry
for trying to breathe life
into your dead career by
putting you on Broadway.
My career was not dead.
Did you know that Brazzos
wanted to do burrito-sodes?
Thirty-second bonus episodes
available exclusively
on the Chipotle app but I said
no because I wanted to do this
which I realize now was a huge mistake!
Oh, it was, huh? Well maybe,
I should have hired someone
who could actually sing!
Well, maybe you should
have because I quit.
- Fine!
- Fine!
MABEL: Charles!
Why didn't you tell me what
happened with Ben on opening night?
Because she was his girlfriend
and I was trying to protect him
[STAMMERING] 'cause he's my buddy!
- Was.
- MABEL: Wait,
Loretta's a part of this, too?
What else is she keeping from us?
I don't know and, frankly, I don't care.
Oliver, what the fuck are you doing?!
You know, you are like
a dog with a bone, Mabel.
They arrested someone for
Ben's murder, remember?
And yet, you keep trying to
throw suspicion onto my cast.
You know, I know you've
never had a grownup job before
but guess what? They matter.
- Wow.
- Oliver.
In a few weeks, Loretta goes on to star
in Death Rattle Dazzle,
and I finally get
what I've been working
for my whole life.
I won't let you jeopardize that!
Cinda was right.
- What does that mean?
- Cinda Canning?
Cinda fucking Canning
asked me to partner with her
and I said that I was
already part of a team.
She said that I don't need you guys
and I'm starting to
see that she's right.
All I do is put up with
your self-involved insanity!
The musical, the White
Room, the proposal,
but a man is dead!
A man who actually
meant something to me!
And I'm gonna figure out who did it
whether the two of you give
a shit or not! I'm done!
HOWARD: Sometimes,
all you need to banish your ghosts
is for someone to see you
HOWARD: and understand your dreams.
It's only when you're alone
that the real haunting begins.

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