Our Cartoon President (2017) s01e00 Episode Script

Election Special 2018

1 [dreary music] [narrator] The year was 2016, or as historians know it now, the Age of Shadows.
America was led by a Kenyan socialist bisexual named "Something Hussein Something.
" Not one Supreme Court Justice had a friend named "Squi.
" The Tomb of the Unknown Soldier had yet to be replaced by a statue of Kid Rock.
[rock guitar riff] But then, though the shadows, pierced a light.
[amplified voice] America is a shithole, but all of our problems will be solved if you believe me when I say, "Problem solved!" [cheering] [narrator] And they did.
Within seconds, the nation was perfect.
But only one thing could destroy that Democrats feeling like voting.
[dramatic music] [ominous music] Let's just hook up in your bedroom.
I told you.
It echoes in here, and I've always wanted - to hear myself get laid.
- What is this place? They used to call it the State Department.
Legend has it that Old Lady Clinton went totally nutso in these halls.
Sometimes you can hear her deleting her e-mails! Stop it! You're scaring me! Don't worry.
It's just me and you.
- Busted! - Eric! I told you to egg Robert Mueller's house - with bricks.
- And I told you that it's weird to kiss someone older than your stepmom.
[Rachel Maddow] We begin tonight with - the midterm elections.
- What the heck was that? - Old Lady Clinton! - Sack up, Eric.
[spooky music] [Rachel Maddow speaking indistinctly] But first, the generic Congressional ballot has been a strong predictor of the midterm elections.
[suspenseful chords] She said a generic Democrat beats a generic Republican by seven points! If Dad loses Congress, he'll get impeached, and we'll have to beg Trump Wine for our jobs back! Boys, there's something you need to see.
If polls like the one Rachel Maddow mentioned are accurate, we could all be tossed out of our jobs and into eight-figure consulting gigs by Valentine's Day.
- Shit, we have to tell Dad! - I'm freaking out! - We're not gonna tell your dad.
- But what if he can stop it? He defies conventional polling and mankind's will to sustain itself.
If anyone can turn around this election, it's him.
Trumpety-Trump-Trump It's Trumpety-Trump [groans] Dad, good news! We're gonna win the midterms! That's what I came to tell you, dumbass! Your party's in deep shit, and I'm too dead to bail you out.
Don't worry, Dad.
America loves me.
The only person who loves you is me and I hate you! [groans] Love you, too, Dad! Time for work! Three white people on a couch It's "Fox & Friends"! The sun's out, the ocean's boiling, and the soup of the day is polar bear bisque! Speaking of God's plan, the red wave is coming.
That's according to the Fox News shows before and after this Fox News show! That's three sources, folks.
[door bangs opens] - Dad! - Don't tell him, Don! Sure, 90% of Republicans love you, but only 20% of voters admit they're Republican.
Hmm, I alone can fix this.
Someone get me a red Sharpie! Every modern president has lost seats in the midterm election.
Except for George W.
Bush after 9/11.
Interesting.
Could you send in - Stephen Miller for an unrelated project? - Don't even think about it.
Right, someone could be listening.
If I'm reading a book to schoolchildren, - I'll know it's a go.
- Sir Relax, the polls looked bad in 2016 and I only lost by a little bit, but still won.
We'll be fine.
[heroic music] I'm Wolf Blitzer.
I'm about to turn on the news hose, so get ready to get wet.
According to a new report, hackers connected to the Russian government have penetrated voter registration systems across the country.
Whoo! Go, Russia, go! That has prompted state and local governments to accelerate efforts to secure election integrity.
- Boo! - Dad, don't worry.
- I got a killer election strategy.
- Hold on.
Last time this one came to the family with a "killer election strategy," I ended up in a high-risk, zero reward meeting with some Russians, and now every week, I have a laugh-free lunch with Robert Mueller.
And you didn't invite me?! I told you I wanted to expand my social circle! Don, I'm sure your strategy is great, but great for you is what most people consider the biggest failure of their lives.
[music] Hello? Hello? [light clanks] Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, face of the new left.
You support Medicare for all, student loan forgiveness, and replacing prison cell doors with beaded curtains.
It's time to drop the blue collar act and fall in line, or none of your bills get to the floor.
- No.
- You remind me of another crazy lefty who walked through those doors in 2004.
But Barack did what we told him, and was bestowed this nation's greatest honor a deal with Netflix.
He appeared on "Comedians Driving Cars To Get Coffees.
" You're just scared of losing your grip on the party.
- We're not scared.
- Oh, yeah? - No corporate donations.
- Schumer and Pelosi: Aah! [music] Stop worrying about this election so much.
I don't like you when you're worried.
I like you when you're a blank-faced son of a billionaire president.
It's not about the win, Kimfoyle.
It's about redeeming myself for what I did.
[music] [alarm beeping] It's Russia Collusion Day! [music] Good morning, little fella! [pigeon chirps] How do you say "Russia Collusion" in bird? [chirping] I know that! I'm not stupid! Don, your wife Vanessa wants a separation! That's okay! Today is Russia Collusion Day.
I'm meeting with one of Vladimir Putin's lady-lawyers.
She has dirt on Hillary Clinton.
- Wow! - Thanks for doing what we specifically talked about! [elevator bell dings] It's Russia Collusion Day! [humming] You realize I'm Maggie Haberman from the "New York Times"? [music stops] Ohh, shit! So you let the Russia meeting leak and you came away with nothing? I wouldn't call learning about Russian adoption policy nothing.
You're such a loser.
If you hadn't inherited my warm and inviting sense of humor and ridiculously hot upper body, you'd be hopeless.
[echoing] Hopeless Hopeless Kimberly, I have to win my Dad's love I mean, the election.
It's not just Ocasio-Cortez.
Something's happening out there, Nancy.
- You mean in Georgetown? - No, outside of Washington.
Relax! Let's just make a few dozen sweaty, pleading donor calls, and slurp mussels so loud that car alarms go off.
I'm just starting to think that the heart of the American working class is not screaming at their nannies on the Upper West Side.
We got a speech in Brooklyn coming up.
I heard plumbers live there! [tv news music] Panic has set in at the White House according to 58 anonymous sources, and another 67 named sources.
The President holds a rally today in hopes of reanimating his base of people already disinvited from the next three Thanksgivings.
Let me tell you something about Kathie Lee If our followers are as motivated as in 2016, they will pick this goat to the bone.
Give the crane operator the signal! [whirring] [goat bleats] Now to agitate them.
Women are blocking male judges just for being incompetent, violent, alcoholics! - [man] Well, that's wrong.
- [man] Screw that.
All right, pull it up.
[whirring] They're motivated! Viva la Red Wave! Wrong! In 2016, they would've been fighting over that goat's anus.
We're in a different world now.
The Democratic Party is about knowing what should be done, then woefully shaking your head when you read your push alerts.
Let's all join forces with a big woeful headshake together.
- Mnh-mnh.
- [man] Ugh.
- You're bumming us out, lady.
- How about a cheer? Status quo! [scattered groans] Status quo! Status quo! [music] - Status quo! Sta - We've lost touch with our voters.
I can't name one person who's not a U.
S.
Senator or Michael Bloomberg.
We will spend every moment between now and election day connecting to real Americans, no matter how much E.
coli's on their hands.
[scattered cheering] [man] Hey.
[music] - Can't sleep, huh? - I was just thinking about how, if you're not president, we'll never have a space force.
ISIS will turn the whole sky Muslim.
Don, I need to win the election, but I've forgotten how.
The last one was what, 20 years ago? It was two years ago, but the world was a lot different.
Since then, you've made the country too perfect.
If you want to win, you need to create a problem that only you can solve.
You might have great looks and handwritten books But there's a strategy that you've overlooked If you wanna win the midterms Make 'em fear [music] Fear Ohh, fear, Dad Fear the Muslims, trans And Green Peace volunteers Ohh, fear Tense white fear It makes farmers in Wisconsin Worry about MS-13 So villainize the Bureau And make yourself the hero! The only man who can save suburbia From Mujahideen It might seem like a lofty task Blaming climate change on impoverished Blacks But with the right amount of racial screaming You could make California write in Mussolini Fear Oh, fear Oh, fear Fear Oh, you gotta make 'em fear Oh, yeah - MSNBC's Joy Reid - [all] Reid Let's terrify this country into loving me! [rock music] If we want to win this election, we gotta scare the absolute bejesus out of everyone.
I've gathered my best guys, and all of them are guys.
First up, the man who loves brown shirts and hates brown people Stephen Miller.
Immigrants are flooding our borders, increasing the competition for women attracted to men who are 33 but look 63.
Not me, I'm fine.
Then there's Jeff Sessions.
He puts the "KKK" in "Jeff Sessions is in the KKK.
" Democrats want to disarm police, which is fine as long as their tasers shoot bullets.
Finally, the Baltimore Bomber, John Bolton.
I once saw him shopping for a fumigation tent the size of the Middle East.
Boo! We all know Muslims can breathe under water, but did you know they can fly? They're gonna peak in our bathroom windows while we're doing our business! To gauge how these measures are affecting Americans, we're monitoring the fear levels of an average couple watching Fox News.
Usually, I'm the one monitoring the brain and it's of a soon-to-be former homosexual.
Can we help, Dad? I just sang that freakin' song.
You two shake the hornet's nest with the shakiest shaker of all - Hillary Clinton.
- Why's he keep saying "shake"? Just find her, put her on camera, and tell her to say "2020.
" That's like bath salts for non-college educated voters.
Remember, Don, don't do anything reckless.
- Eric, you're in charge.
- Sick! - Don, I put you in charge! - Sick! Okay, first things first.
Eric, you're off the team.
I thought helping win this election - was finally gonna be my thing.
- You have a thing.
You're the Trump who doesn't have a thing.
But it doesn't feel special.
Okay, I'll put you back on the team, but you gotta take some risks, like when you spent most of your trust fund on our "Jackass" audition tape.
[cowpunk song plays] [tires squeal] Wow, an honest-to-God Democratic rally in West Virginia.
Now this is the America we need to steep in - like a pour-over café au lait.
- Keep the car running.
I'm gonna try to communicate with them.
[cheering] [slowly] Hello.
Me Pelosi.
Him Chuck.
[song continues] Chuck, give them a Tic Tac or something.
Open palm.
Nancy! Chuck! Jesus Christ, don't let them see you! Again, we're just here to observe.
Here's what you need to know about blue collar voters.
They're struggling and they want someone who genuinely understands what they're going through.
Oh, sorry.
I was just thinking about whether Del Posto had introduced their fall menu yet.
You know what? You two, come on stage with me.
Fair warning I may say a few things - just to triangulate a bit.
- [Pelosi] Of course.
Oh, absolutely.
No, do your thing.
I hate these two! The other day, I had to explain to these out-of-touch city slickers that West Virginia was a state, not a drag queen.
[tires peal, engine revs] Faster! The opioids give them super strength! Keep it above 70 until you see a Del Posto.
[music] Here we go again.
Trump is scaring the country into voting Republican.
I can't talk right now.
I just know any second, the #MeToo Police are gonna barge through this door and try to take away ol' Slick Willie.
Wait, where are you going? I think you mean, "Where are you going, - Madame President?" - Uh-oh.
If you're gonna go, you better chain me to a radiator.
I will do something bad.
[eerie music] If there are any clues to Hillary Clinton's whereabouts, they're here.
[woman laughs] Forget this.
Let's just go ask for a six-figure Trump Wine internship.
Eric! You said you wanted a thing, but you're never gonna find it if you're afraid to leave the dock and venture into uncharted waters.
Maybe I like it on the dock.
It smells like kelp! Eric! Leave the dock! All right jerk-wad.
[Don Jr.
] I'm not a jerk-wad.
You're a jerk-wad.
[music] [creaking loudly] It was a door! I stopped being afraid of those years ago! Well, butt-chug me sideways.
[triumphant music] [woman laughs] [country rock music] Wow, Chuck, we're in a real Ohio bar! Do you think the jukebox takes personal checks? We should probably order wine, or, as these people call it, beer.
Two glasses of your finest white beer, please.
- [man] No.
- Excuse me, average American.
What issue is most important to you building a high-speed rail between Washington and Westchester? [tires peal, engine revs] Faster! What was that shit about the history of Jews in Toronto?! Me? You changed the jukebox from Travis Tritt to "All Things Considered"! Say, Chuck, have you ever heard of pandering? [chuckles] Heard of it? Yes.
[music] Sir, a status update the fear squad has demonized every race that doesn't use most of its phone battery on the Golf Channel mobile app.
Anti-immigration sentiment is so high, Melania has been deported.
Wow.
She must be terrified.
I'll kill myself before I go back.
[music] But unfortunately, the generic congressional ballot has Republicans stalled at 48%.
The Pences are too scared to sleep, but not scared enough to wear three pairs of underpants to avoid being raptured naked.
[thunderclap] Ah Ah.
Oh, God.
[thunderclap] President Donald J.
Trump has been impeached after Robert Mueller released his devastating report, before marrying Melania in the highest-rated and most full frontal nudity-filled wedding of all time.
[monitor beeps] Putin, I'm on my way! Oh, sorry, we're having Russia renovated this weekend.
Bye! [thunder rumbles] There's a Dad on the wing of this plane! I'm a tax-dodging racist, and yet you still managed to ruin my reputation! [thud] Loser! Aah! [thunder rumbles] [music] Sir, why are you down here? Did you think you saw one of your children again? I'm just scared.
What if the election doesn't go our way? You know, when I was younger, my father used this sewing machine to hem together white sheets, and it was so loud and scary, I'd go hide under the kitchen table.
Would you stay under there all night? Well actually, my mother would lure me out with a cake.
Food really soothes you when you don't get exactly what you want, doesn't it? - Yes.
- Dad, I'm gonna need you to come outside.
- No.
- But Eric is hurt! Oh, man, I gotta see this! There's nothing out here, Don! It's just grass, trees, and Oh, my God.
[music] [laughs] Old Lady Clinton built it to literally break the glass ceiling of the Javits Center during her victory speech, but she never won.
- How'd you do this? - We stole it.
Time for some good, old-fashioned campaigning.
[Cooper] A massive Hillary Clinton robot of unknown origin continues to grip the country with millions across the Eastern seaboard fleeing their homes.
Support for Republicans is surging past 50% as undecided voters increasingly say their key issue is not being crushed to death.
[crowd shouting indistinctly] I don't know who's behind this Hillary robot attack, but if you vote Republican, we will lock her up in women's robot prison! Whoa, I like that! - Lower the crane! - Americans are friggin' terrified! There are race riots, sir.
Race riots! My dad would be so proud.
I can't see! Is the anus still there? Don't worry, Dad.
I ate the anus.
[fanfare playing] [crowd cheering] [Pelosi] Hello, Iowa Democrats and people seeking refuge from Hillary Robot Clinton.
Soon, we will welcome Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez to the stage.
[cheering] [Schumer] But first [both strum chord] Sometimes when I'm in Washington surrounded by Beltway elites, I think, "I'd rather be driving my F-150, eating corn off those hard corn cylinders.
" And pickin' on the ol' bigger violin.
[Schumer and Pelosi] Driver Take me to the farm Take me to the farm, take me to the farm Don't wanna Go to Del Posto no more - I wanna drink a warm beer - Sleep on a bus - Get bit by a dog - And piss in a cup [both] So, driver, turn this motorcade around Wall Street fat cats have had it too good.
Chuck, what do you say we tax them? And you know what we should put that money toward? Universal health care.
[crowd cheering] I like the sound of that.
Yas, War on Christmas.
Let's do this, honey.
- I wanna steal from my job - Fistfight my dad - Experience sweat - Throw up in the mall [both] So, driver, turn this motorcade Around [cheering] Who knew, Chuck? All we had to do was something.
Yeesh.
They think this is going to get Democrats to Pokémon Go to the polls? I'm proud of you, Eric.
You sacked up, and now Republicans are gonna win the midterms.
Thanks, but I still haven't really found my thing.
Not everything is about you! Hey, Kimberly, want to go over to the Department of State for some romantic bone-dogging? [engine clicking, stalling] What the hell is wrong with this thing?! [music] [thudding footsteps approach] [dogs barking] I'm all for kicking it to max, but someone might see us, Don.
Don't forget what's at stake [Kimberly and Don Jr.
] Serious blue balls.
Now shut up and keep watch while we're inside.
[whistling] [rustling] Don, is that you? You sound just like a bush.
[music] - That was a real hootenanny, Chuck! - Let's celebrate.
Driver, take us to Iowa's finest Brazilian-Chinese fusion restaurant.
Driver? You listening? I want to say Randy? [ominous music] Chuck, I think we're being kidnapped.
[Don Jr.
] Where the hell is Hillary-Bot, Eric? And why do you have a medal? I was keeping watch, then this lady named Hillary Rodham Clin-something came up to me and said, "Hey, I'm the judge for the National Whistling Association.
- Do you wish to compete?" - All right, okay.
I get that.
When I got to the championships, no one was there, - so she said I was the winner.
- Okay.
Congratulations.
That's awesome, but now we're screwed! You said you wanted me to leave the dock! You don't leave the dock when your bro is doinking in the lighthouse, Eric! Can we at least hear your world championship whistling? [whistling] Eric! That's really friggin' good! [jazzy piano music] Chuck, Nancy, thanks for coming.
[Schumer] Michael Bloomberg, CEO of Bloomberg L.
P.
! What a delight to see you.
- Do you like our folksy hats? - They're very cute.
So the heads of the most powerful banks and I talked over your new policy proposal, and, while very creative, we decided after one second that we didn't like it.
Consider it gone.
Sweet swag bag.
- I got a toothbrush.
- I got soap! Nancy, do you think the millions of energized Democrats will be a tad thrown that we sold them out to Wall Street pretty much instantaneously? Politics isn't about making people's lives better.
It's about the friends we meet along the way to making their lives the same or often worse.
[music] How am I supposed to stop Hillary-Bot if there's no Hillary-Bot to stop? I think we're losing sight of the big picture here.
I'm the National Whistling Champion! Eric, we already threw you a party.
- What else do you want? - Don't worry, Dad.
Stephen Miller's filling the void left by Hillary-Bot.
[Miller] The brown people are coming! The brown people are coming! You can't even hear him from the ground.
I think he's just doing it for him.
Don, find Hillary-Bot.
My presidency and approval of you depends on it.
We're about to tell you something, but before we do, we want you to remember how great we all felt while Nancy and I were singing that song.
And, heck, if you think only about the song and don't listen to what we tell you next, that's fine, too! Okay, so you guys all know Michael Bloomberg.
[tires peal, engine revs] Go! Drive! - Don't stop! - Chuck, where's my nose?! Oh! There it is, thank God.
[music] Hillary-Bot! Hillary-Bot! It's no use, Eric.
We need Russia's help.
- What is it with you and Russia? - They like me for me, Eric.
I doubt they even know I'm related to Donald Trump Senior.
I'll just setup a harmless meeting at Trump Tower.
All right, but I'm coming with you.
Ugh, fine, but word of warning you're gonna learn - so much about Russian adoption.
- Sick! Now remember, Bill, you're just here to vouch for our blue collar bona fides and unify the party ahead of election day.
Stay on message, and if Rachel asks, - insist the radiator is a watch.
- Hey, come on.
If one thing is not a ticking time bomb, it's Bill Clinton.
- Chuck, did we think this thro - A stack of printer paper.
Blank, sure.
But what if someone printed Trump's tax returns onto them? More on that later, but first, here to comment on the Democrats' demoralizing past few days are Leaders Pelosi and Schumer, - along with President Bill Clinton.
- Great to be here - I wanna talk about this Me Too movement.
- [Pelosi] Bill! [woman] Breaking news The President's lawyer, a coked-up talking groundhog, just accidentally revealed another Donald Trump Jr.
/Russia meeting.
Back in June, when Don Jr.
met with the Russians, he was doing what any campaign would do.
Same goes for the meeting this morning Whoops! Brain must've run over a nail.
You can hear the air escaping.
[Giuliani] I keep telling myself not to say that, and I say it! But it's true.
It's why Trump met with So you met with the Russians again, and again you came away with nothing! Okay, can I just say I am now an expert on Russian adoption policy? Don, that was the biggest loser move of your life, and I'm including the time you let Eric give the best man speech at your wedding.
I didn't know he was gonna rap! [siren wailing] [President Trump] What now? Hillary Bot worked too well and the country has descended into chaos.
We're talking riots, economic collapse, - a near breakdown of society.
- Boo-yah! The stock market's going nuts.
I'll be fine, so I don't give a shit.
- Betty? - Kids are seeking safety within their schools.
I mean, the whole world is upside down! - Hey, Ben, any update on housing? - I counted all the houses, wrote the number down on a piece of paper, and now I'm just trying to remember where I left that piece of paper.
Was there more to the job? It's so bad that only the most mentally unwell are reveling in the mayhem.
Ted Cruz! Socialist Beto O'Rourke wants looters to distribute stolen goods equally, but I believe that if you looted it, you earned it! I shudder to even tell you what happened to the Pences.
[Karen] That cloud looks like Aladdin! [shotgun firing] Pace yourself, Karen! We only have five million bullets! [muzak plays] Wow! Can you believe it, Nancy? We're sitting with the star of Netflix, Barack Obama.
And not out of desperation.
If anything, we're doing him a favor.
Don't you two have an election on Tuesday? I want to talk about Barack Obama's new hit show, "Congresspeople in Towncars Going to Del Posto.
" - Interesting.
- I told you he'd hate it.
Next idea by day, he's the senior Senator from New York, but by night, he's a debonair, super spy playboy with donors all across the globe.
Here's the rub this old, out of touch windbag - named Nancy is holding him back.
- Ohh.
You wanna hear my pitch? It's called "Chuck Sucks Starring Chuck Schumer"! It's about a cyst on my ass.
- Screw you! - Push up your glasses, - goddamn it! - Aw, screw it.
I've earned this.
Don't worry, Don.
Dad never had the approval of his father and he turned out all right.
You know what's the worst part of all this? It's your fault.
Someone's a little jealous that I finally found my thing.
- I'm the Liam Hemsworth of whistling.
- So what if I am! It was hard enough to live in Dad's shadow, and it's even harder to live in yours.
Maybe we should see other brothers.
Fine! Just don't ask for tickets when your new bro wants to attend my sold out whistling concert! [sobbing] Let him go, Eric.
We're better off without him.
Goodbye, family.
[dramatic music] [fabric rips] Shit! Fuck! [bossa nova music] We discussed it internally, and if you do decide to retire, we would offer you a position as managing director.
Wow, you won't regret this.
Running the Democratic Party is just like being a managing director for Bloomberg L.
P.
Why get short-term results when you can have long-term good intentions? Anyways, I need 239 days off per year.
I already have this toothbrush.
Damn it! Ugh! I should've packed a snack instead of this busty werewolf figurine I rush-ordered online.
- Donald Trump the Junior? - What are you doing in here?! I've been sleeping here ever since my landlord Googled me.
Shit, shit, shit! [music] How do you do it, Stevie? How do you keep it together when you have so many haters? Despite my calm, composed exterior, I don't have it together.
Believe or not, I was made fun of in high school.
Yeah, obviously.
And that's when I developed this scaly exterior and toxic personality.
It made me feel strong.
I just wish I was as cool as you or Ben Shapiro and didn't have to put up a front.
Hey, I want you to have this.
Wow! Until I make the real thing in a lab, this will do just fine.
[laughs] [melancholy music] [touchscreen clicking] - Donald.
- Melania? I thought you were deported.
I was, but then Slovenia found out that I was your wife - and deported me right back.
- You came just in time.
With the help of Space Force, I'm going to live on the Moon or Mars, whichever is closer.
If you're scared of losing Congress, you'll be extremely scared of space.
Why do you think I'm so scared of everything? Do you remember how your father used to always scare you by getting a body double of your mother and pushing it out of a helicopter? He did that because he knew he wasn't loving enough to keep you close, but he was terrifying enough.
Don't be like your father.
Stop manipulating people with fear and start manipulating them with love.
[music] That was all you were going to bring to space? It's space, Melania.
They'll have shaving cream.
You tried to get a job, too? Yeah, they were expecting a delivery from that service where models bring you cocaine, so when I walked in, they got real mad.
I'm sorry I ruined the Netflix meeting.
I want a television show, but not like that.
Chuck, you know what some guy in Iowa with hand sanitizer on his breath told me? He screamed that we need to stop speeding away and start fighting back.
Nancy, it may be electoral suicide, but let's do what our constituents want.
[explosions in distance, siren wailing] [music] How was the hot air balloon? Let's just treat it like the time I almost died at On the Grind DJ Academy and never speak of it.
How do I get everyone to realize that they love me without terrifying them? Dad, you forget, we're friggin' swag.
It's like Stephen Miller said.
We're cool as shit.
You gave Saudi Arabia a pass to murder like whoever.
I feed Adderall to the Central Park swans.
Eric is a friggin' world championship whistler! We just need to find a way to lure America out from under its kitchen table.
Don, get me whatever ingredients go inside a 500-ton cake.
Yeah What? [man] It's time for Democrats to put up a fight But you know that they'll be pushed back from the right 'Cause it's the midterms Oh, yeah, it's the midterms Did you ever think you'd care about midterms this much? Oh, no, no, no Who could've known? But now you gotta look up your polling place And drive 40 minutes to some library 'Cause if you don't, they might overturn Roe vs.
Wade Yeah, they've been talking about overturning Roe vs.
Wade! - Hey.
- Hey.
- This is pretty cool.
- Thanks.
How's your thing going? Whistling? It's going really well.
I have worlds tomorrow.
Tomorrow's the big rally, but I understand.
- Good luck.
- Don, wait.
[music] - Never mind.
- Fuck you for making me stop, Eric! [suspenseful music] [imitating alarm clock] - Wake up, Donny! - Aah! Aah! You really think you can get these people to love you? The only way I got nannies to take care of you was by threatening to steal their organs! Your closing argument should be, "I have nukes.
Vote for me, or 10,000 years of darkness!" [laughs maniacally] Mr.
President, it's Election Day Eve.
Volunteers across the country are changing street signs so no one can find their polling place.
I need the nuclear football.
If anyone asks why, just say I wanted to show you a cool party trick.
Do you think anyone will show up to protest this monster? I don't know, Chuck, but whatever's outside that door, I want you to know that as long as it's politically expedient, I'll be there for you.
[crowd cheering] We did it, Chuck! But why is everyone so ridiculously excited? I told them they could see a rich, white guy get arrested.
I tell ya, I got something inside me that I can't get out.
Now let's bring the same energy to this protest that we brought to our vote to overwhelmingly expand the president's surveillance powers! [rock music] [Eric] Please welcome my dad, Donald J.
Trump! [cheering] Wow, look at this crowd! What's this, 90 billion people? The last couple of weeks, me and the Republicans have campaigned on stopping MS-13, keeping Muslims out of America, and doing that thing that we've always done to Black people.
And though each of those threats is even more terrifying than I described, there's something more powerful and manipulative than fear love.
And to show you my love, I and I alone baked you the biggest cake on Earth! [cheering] Hey, Mr.
President! We're here to fight you with everything we've got! Who's with us? [cheering] You're losing 'em, Donny! Show 'em the nuke! Scare 'em into submission! Get me the nuclear football.
Dad! Lure them out from under the kitchen table! Don't listen to him! Nuke! - Cake! - Nuke! Cake! Dad, I can't eat nuke.
[thud] Everyone, shut up! You mean to tell me that you people don't love cake?! - [man] I like cake! - [man] Hey, I like cake, too! That's what I thought.
Raise the thing! [dramatic music] [woman] Are you fuckin' serious? Are you fuckin' serious? Okay, I got a little hungry backstage.
As long as everyone isn't selfish, we can all share.
- [man] Fuck that! - Welp, nuke it is.
[laughs maniacally] If you don't vote Republican, I will set this off.
That is a direct and real threat.
And it's way more powerful than love! Got 'em! At long last, Bill's getting the help he needs.
[metal crunches] Thanks for bailing me out again, Hillary! Whoo-hoo, whoo-hoo, whoo-hoo! I tell ya.
So vote Republican and you won't die.
Oh, and grab a handful of frosting on the way out.
[whirring] I feel great! Old Lady Clinton! [laughs] [crowd screaming] Now I finally have your attention.
Dangerous Donald's flip-flopping on the Trans-Pacific Partnership proves that he is truly full of baloney! And let's not forget his, what I like to call, Trumped-up trickle down economics.
I've got hot sauce in my bag.
- How did she lose? - Lower the glass dome! [dramatic music] [heavy thud] Oh, that is so much better.
Nevertheless, she persisted.
[music] Hillary broke the glass ceiling.
Run for your lives! Time to Pokémon Go eat Donald Trump.
[music] [beeping] I'll save you, Mr.
President! One, two, and Wind took it the wrong direction.
See you back at the house! [Eric] Hey, Hillary-Bot! Eric? I thought you were at World! I couldn't ditch my family.
You escape while I distract Hillary-Bot with my intoxicating whistle.
Hillary-Bot! Over here! [whistling] As my dear friend Eric Holder says, when they go low [chuckles] [thudding footsteps] What's a matter, Donny? Scared again?! [rapid electronic beeping] This is for those kids in the basement of that pizza place! [suspenseful music] Why didn't it work? That's not the nuke.
It's a button.
You just threw a button at her.
Don, if I'm about to die, I just want to say, I love cake.
[music] [powers down] Pokémon no, no, no! I did it.
I defeated Hillary-Bot all by myself! Actually, Dad, let's just say there's a new Russia Collusion Day - on the calendar.
- Okay, that's the last time I hack Hillary for that marshmallow man.
- Eh, no it's not.
- Are you mad? Don, I'm only mad when collusion doesn't work.
Um, you know before, when I said, "I love cake" - Yeah? - I meant it.
[music] First snowfall Happy Russia Collusion Day, Don.
Happy Russia Collusion Day, Don I mean, "Dan" I mean, "Mom" Fuck! [hopeful music] Look, anyone could've hacked Hillary-Bot.
Could've been the Chinese, some fat guy in his basement.
Definitely not Russia, though.
[music] Well, Chuck, this might be our last time in here as leaders of the party.
It's been fun working with you, Nancy.
Hey.
I saw what you did at the Trump rally.
Pretty cool to see you put up a fight like that.
Does this mean I have your vote for Speaker? - Nope.
Ya canceled.
- Thanks anyway! Sorry about the deportation mix-up, Melania.
Yeah.
What a nightmare.
Hey, Donny, I'm gonna go finish that cake.
You should come so I have someone to wipe the frosting off me with a soaking wet beach towel.
Sick! Eric, that was pretty cool of you to give up your one shot at self-worth to help a family that offers nothing in return.
- That means a lot, Don.
- Dad, have you ever thought about opening a restaurant that just serves goat anus? - It's pretty good.
- I could be the whistling chef! You're not in this conversation! - Sorry.
- Hey, Donny! Looks like the Ruskies bailed you out again, loser! - Thanks, Dad.
- I didn't say anything nice.
- Well, my ride's here.
- You live in Hell? It's Heaven to me.
[screams, laughs] Daddy, the election returns are coming in! Guys, I just want to say that no matter what happens tonight, I'm still gonna be President tomorrow.
['80s-style pop music] Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump is the president Is Donald Trump the president? Yes, he is Yes, he is, we elected him president Is Donald Trump the president? Yes, he is We had a vote and elected him president Donald Trump is the president [man] We now join an evening with Bill and Hillary Clinton, already in progress.
If Bill could speak, he would say is, - "The American spirit is still alive and well.
" - No, I wouldn't! I'd say I'm guilty and tired of running.
- Put me away! - Bill! Donald Trump He is our president We made him president We did it Donald Trump is the president And in entertainment news, President Obama just announced his first Netflix show.
It's called "Congresspeople in Towncars (Going to Del Posto).
" - That son of a bitch! - Oh, come on! We elected Donald Trump Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump is the president Yeah [man] Welcome back to the World Whistling Championships.
Our next contestant missed the competition last year due to a family emergency.
Coming to the stage for the first time, Eric Trump.
[applause] [breathy, weak whistling] Ah! - [man] Dude, this guy sucks.
- Trump!