Our Cartoon President (2017) s01e01 Episode Script

State of the Union

1 And now a message from our cartoon president.
My fellow Americans and temporarily unfurloughed nonessential federal dead weight, we are one year into my presidency, and it's time to finally admit I am absolutely crushing it.
These past few weeks alone, I've achieved headlines with words like "porn star," "shithole," and "cognitive function.
" It's Showtime.
I mean, I can say "shithole," right? Can I say [bleep.]
No? We found the line for season one! So, how did I do it? Well, for one, everyone knows my brain has great bone structure.
My doctor said that my I.
was 180/90.
He said I'm so smart that he doesn't know how my organs function.
I mean, I was a great athlete.
The Yankees wanted me to sign, but I was in talks with the Knicks, which broke down because, how do you say no to the Yankees? One time, Steinbrenner's having a party, and Don King walks in with Roger Ailes and two of the hottest, youngest pieces of [bleep.]
So, why is this show called "Our Cartoon President?" No one knows.
But I'd like to think that it's because we're all in this together, folks.
Each and every one of you voted for me, and the ones who didn't, you kind of wanted to see what would happen, and it's happening more than you could have imagined.
Now, some are worried that this show might humanize me.
Well, too late, folks.
After my recent physical, Dr.
Ronny assured me that I am a human being and there's no cure for that.
I'm also our cartoon president, and our show but really mine begins now.
[inhales deeply.]
[strains, sneezes.]
[solemn music.]
President Trump enters this beautiful day with a historically low approval rating.
- [President Trump.]
Fake news.
- According to - [man.]
widely reviled - Fake news.
- [man #2.]
bad president - Fake news.
- [woman #2.]
piece of shit - Fake news.
[man #3.]
Temperature today 38, which is still higher than the president's approval rating.
- Fake weather.
- Tomorrow's [upbeat music.]
Okay, Fox & Friends, I'm ready.
Three white people on a couch It's Fox & Friends Welcome to "Fox & Friends.
" It's 6:00 a.
, and, Mr.
President, rise and shine, and I love you.
I don't know what it is.
There's just something about this show.
Big week at the White House.
First, the State of the Union address, delivered before a joint session of Congress broadcast to the eyes of the nation.
Sucks for whoever booked that gig.
And that will be delivered by none other than President Donald Trump.
And we're also celebrating the president's upcoming wedding anniversary.
Maybe if I'm quiet enough she'll sleep through it.
[pops can.]
- Oh, Donald.
- Damn it! When you dragged me here from New York, I was sad, but every year, your anniversary gifts remind me that behind the suit the size of a beach cabana, there's a blue-cheese-obstructed heart.
That's why this year I'm giving you the most tremendous anniversary gift yet.
You're gonna love it even better - than taking you horse hunting.
- Really? You promise? Hey, I didn't get three women to marry me by breaking promises.
Why are you looking at me? There's a TV in the room.
Here's what I don't understand.
Why do they get Hanukkah off, but I have to go to work on President Trump's anniversary? [mid-tempo music.]
And then Hillary called me to concede, and it was official I had won the presidency.
And that's the daily recap of the 2016 election.
Moving on to top stories.
A new Quinnipiac poll shows you've cut much of the excess fat from your approval ratings.
I mean, you got to love an approval rating - that's nice and trim.
- With a firm ass.
- Nuch Dog coming in hot.
- A local deli has named a sandwich after you.
- And you didn't lead with that? - Sir, I hate to interrupt, but have you prepared your State of the Union speech? Well, I'm definitely gonna bring up that sandwich thing.
And then maybe I'll announce the national bird.
President, we already have a national bird.
It's the bald eagle.
You make the bald eagle the national flower.
Trump picks the bird.
What happened at the end of today's Fox & Friends? I only caught the first 170 minutes.
Uh, Brian Kilmeade said you're fantastic? Kilmeade using a three-syllable word? What are you hiding? I give Trump's presidency a 10.
- 10 for me.
- Well, I'm gonna go with a 9 because a part of my brain is telling me that all of this is wrong.
My God.
I've lost Kilmeade.
Gentlemen, I took a look at my polls, and I'm sad to report that our worst fears have come true.
Only 38% of Americans have good taste in presidents.
Does this mean we're moving again? Shut up, Eric! - Shut up, Don! - Yeah, shut up, Don.
Shut up, Eric.
I mean, that's actually why I called you both here.
I love you, but I don't need you trying to goose my poll numbers.
You leave the heavy lifting to me and stick to your roles eating Gushers and barfing in hot tubs.
- You got it, Dad.
- Uh, hold on.
Dad, we're the best bros you got, dude.
We know Americans way better than some pollsters who surveyed Americans.
This is the new normal, Don.
But don't worry about all this.
I got an easy trick presidents use to juice approval ratings.
War time, baby! Give me that nuclear football! Hyah! - Give me that.
- Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh! Okay, okay.
Fine, fine.
So, uh, anyone have any plans this week? Give me! Uh, I got - Come here.
- Forget it.
If you're gonna hog the football, why not just take over the whole government? [door slams.]
- Did he just ask us to wage a coup? - I heard "coup.
" - He did, right? - I heard it, too.
- I definitely heard the word "coup.
" - That's what he heard.
Hey, hey.
Keep your pants on, ladies.
I'll handle this.
Sir? I'm not talking to General "Won't Let Me Start a War.
" Mr.
President, is this about what the mean man said on the TV? - Maybe.
- If you really want to be popular, you don't use the weapons of war.
You use the strongest weapon in the president's arsenal the State of the Union address.
Every respected leader has used the State of the Union to lay out an inspiring and unified vision for the future.
Franklin D.
Roosevelt and the New Deal, L.
and the Great Society, Ronald Reagan and the smooth taste of Chesterfield cigarettes.
And now, President Trump, it's your turn.
[crowd chanting.]
Trump, Trump, Trump.
[horn blares.]
[chanting continues.]
We've found the president's tax returns.
They say he's the richest man in the world! [cheers and applause.]
Reporting for duty, sir! That's it! I'm gonna give the greatest State of the Union address in history.
Mark my words, I'm gonna [grunting.]
That's the closest I've gotten.
What a rush.
I'm coming for you.
But until then, I'm gonna win the State of the fricking Union! [echoing.]
Fricking Union! Fricking Union! Fricking Union [solemn music.]
Okay, Paul, before I lay out my vision for the State of the Union, what's the House pyrotechnics budget? We do not have one, sir.
That said, I love where your head's at.
We should totally cap it off with some sweet M80s, right, Nuch? - Whoo! - Whoo-hoo! [all whooping.]
- Gentlemen, if I may - Whoo-whoo! Y'all looking at me like I'm crazy.
I didn't start the whoo-whoos, did I? It's my solemn duty to remind everyone the State of the Union is not a self-aggrandizing spectacle.
Fine! I guess I'll lay out an "agenda.
" Let's hear some lines that'll get me a standing O.
Poor people are gross, so let's put smallpox all over pennies.
Nuch Dog with a banger.
Keep it going.
Too many people die every day, and and their perfectly good brains go to waste.
We could use brain tissue as insulation for drafty office buildings or, um, little, uh little pillows for big dogs.
These sound great.
I mean, that applause It's gonna be huge.
So huge that it might finally fill the hole in my heart left by my callous, unloving father.
[music stops.]
Well, how do we know the meeting is over? Does someone say "ding-ding" or "ding-dong"? Look, Mike, I hate to do this, but I need to listen to you.
I need to get Melania an anniversary gift.
What do you get the woman who has the man who has everything? - The Bible says in times of - Skip it.
I got Karen and her closest gal pals third-row tickets to Joel Osteen's prayer fest.
I would have joined them, but my impure thoughts for an audiobook narrator forced me to take shelter in - the arms of God for the evening.
- So, wait, wait.
Y-You pawned Karen off on someone else? Why, she loves spending time with her fellow Christ-ettes.
Say, why don't we set up the gals on a night out? Michael, have you met Karen? It's like talking to a human shower curtain.
- Why, thank you, sir.
- That's not a compliment, Michael.
And then Ohio came in, and I was like, "Wow.
- I mean, I think this might happen.
" - Yeah, whatever, Dad.
So, I know you said we're out of our depth, but we can boost your image.
Remember when everyone said you were the dumbest person in the world, then we showed up on TV, and they were like, "We spoke too soon"? We could be your new spokesmen.
We should definitely get Susan on the paperwork.
Full disclosure, boys I sort of made up Susan so critics would think I had someone doing paperwork.
Wa Susan's not real? - But she sounded so nice on the phone.
- That was Jared.
All right.
Forget Susan.
Imagine it, Dad.
Your two sons on television, - wearing makeup, kicking ass.
- Interesting.
Well, any man willing to put on makeup for me has my trust.
- Go on TV, but no Sunday shows.
- Fuck yeah! Stick to friendly confines Hannity.
But don't talk about Russia.
I'm good.
It's Eric you got to worry about it.
Yeah, actually, Dad, uh, it's me you got to worry about.
Eric, if you're ever in doubt, you just find a policeman and tell him you're lost.
All right, Chuck and Nancy, before you try to slip your agenda into the State of the Union, just know you can't soften me up with a bunch of New York talk.
Of course not, Mr.
- We're not going to talk about New York.
- What about it? I was taking the Staten Island ferry the other day.
- Empire State Building.
- Hudson River.
- Katz's Deli.
- Pizza! Uh, train track! [together.]
Central Park! Five.
Okay, you won me over.
What do you want me to do? Just add the word "progress" to your speech so we can tell our donors that you capitulated to all our demands.
You don't even have to mean it.
Now you're playing to my strengths.
And, by the way, who's in charge of your party? Right now it seems like a bunch of seagulls fighting over a potato chip.
- Ted Cruz! - Aah! - What the hell are you doing here? - What am I doing here? - What are you doing to your teeth? - I'm brushing them.
You got hair on your teeth? What am I missing here, Don? What do you want, Ted? I decided to pick the lock on your bedroom, sneak into your shower, and wait for you to come in so I could bounce a State of the Union idea off you.
- Oh, here we go.
- Here's what I'm thinking.
Around minute three, you pretend like you've lost your place, say, "Oh, the hell with it," and let your good pal Ted Cruz - take the reins.
- No can do, Ted.
But if it gets you out of my bathroom, I'll tell people you're not that bad of a guy so they stop judging a book by its odor.
That's got to be the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
And in return, I promise not to stab you in the back - for the sake of attention.
- Great.
Anything else? Now, is everyone brushing their teeth, or is this, like, an alternative-medicine thing? As we all know, President Trump and I haven't always seen eye to eye, but our boy has turned a corner and decided to do things the Washington way, and I have agreed to value political expediency over my conscience.
[up-tempo music.]
- Hannity! - The American people all agree that the Democrat deserve to drown.
Moving on, let's welcome the greatest sons of the greatest president in history.
First, let me just say it's an honor to be in the presence of what used to be Donald Trump's sperm.
- I'm feeling the high.
- Great to be here, man.
The presidency is going so well.
Good morning, Sean.
I am Eric.
Let's start with the first question your dad told me to ask you.
- Why are you good? - Uh, hate to interrupt, Sean, but I just need to say right up front that we are not here to talk about Russia.
Of course.
That's nonsense! Russia doesn't exist.
Dad told us we're not allowed to talk about it.
Uh, that Russia stuff is secret.
I doubt we've even been to Russia.
- I do not recall - Yes, and anyone who says otherwise can join Democratic drowning victims in hell.
It's funny, Sean.
The Russia stuff is so good at being fake that it almost feels entirely real.
But, like, if it was fake, why would Dad be so mad about it? You'd think he'd be like, "Oh, that's not a thing, and we're moving on.
" Eric, you're talking about it! Shut up, or Dad's gonna be so mad.
- Dad, we messed it up! - You make it so hard.
- Fuck you, Dad.
- [voice breaking.]
I'm sorry.
[monoscope beep.]
When we come back, Rudy Giuliani and I will talk over a black doctor, [music.]
and later, we'll watch an American flag throw a football.
Roll the reverse-mortgage ad! And then they called Wisconsin, and I was president.
- Do you want to hear it again? - Always.
But, first, how's your State of the Union address coming? Terrific.
Stephen Miller's writing it.
I mean, that guy's incredible at channeling my voice.
Oh, Anamalick, demon of the unheard, guide my syntax that it may traverse the valley of darkest woe.
Ooh, hot, hot, hot, hot.
That's great.
And I've just been informed of your anniversary.
So, what do you have planned with the little lady? Well, I'd love to say, but I really don't like - to throw my wealth in people's faces.
- Ah, come on, Donald.
- We're all pretending to be friends here.
- Okay, okay.
It was gonna be a big surprise, but here it is limo, dinner, a tremendous luxurious night on the town for you and Karen Pence.
Don't wait up, boys.
We're going to a restaurant.
Karen Pence? She doesn't even know the first thing about fashion.
She told me her favorite designer is Cracker Barrel gift shop.
Honey, until I get a better job, we're stuck here, so make nice with Karen.
- [Cruz.]
Unh-unh-unh! No tartar in Texas! - Oh, no.
- What's Ted Cruz doing now? - Mnh-mnh-mnh! When I heard the president and his phony-baloney cronies in Washingtoni-ony were working on an agenda that will bankrupt regular folks, I thought, "What is the most callous, most self-serving thing that I can do?" And here I am, Ted Cruz! Calling for a boycott of the State of the Union address.
Additionally, I will be moving forward on brushing my teeth.
Just need to find a toothpaste that goes down smooth.
We know we screwed up by making a passing reference to Russia, but we can fix this.
We just have to get everyone to feel really bad for us.
And so Eric's gonna go, and he's gonna disappear - into the Bermuda Triangle.
- Really, Eric? You're okay with this? Yeah.
I mean, I'm sort of just hearing it for the first time now.
You know what? You've done enough.
You'd better hope my brain makes me tweet something that distracts the media.
It's really anyone's guess until I get on that toilet.
And the dog on my dress is chasing a bone, - and the bone is on my back.
- Oh, my God.
Now, here's where things get really kooky.
- This dress has pockets.
- More wine! You know what you need, Melanarnia? You have this look that says, "I'm not from around here.
" What if I told you my gay barber stays open late on Mondays? Ooh! - Honey, I think - Do not talk to me right now.
All I was gonna say is that you look like Karen Pence.
She tried to baptize me in reflecting pool.
Would it kill you to go with the flow of the life I blundered us into? Donald, when I moved here, [music.]
you were the only thing I knew.
You were my home.
But when you act like this, I feel like a refugee.
So, tomorrow, I go back to New York.
Katz Deli.
I mean don't go, don't go.
- Good night, Donald.
- Good night, LaGuardia.
I-I mean M-Melania.
[dramatic music.]
Uhh! Uhh Oh, God.
Where's your fire truck, loser? [crowd booing.]
We found Trump's tax return.
Turns out, he's only very rich! - Melania, will you marry me? - Yes, Colin! Hey, Donald! I used your toothbrush.
[laughing maniacally.]
[tense music.]
Ah, Ted Cruz! That's a menace! [soothing music.]
He's a war hero 'cause he was captured.
I like people that weren't captured, okay? I hate to tell you.
But what we want to do is to replenish - the Social Security trust fund.
- Such a nasty woman.
Look at that.
I was so young.
They're bringing crime.
They're rapists.
And some, I assume, are good people.
It's amazing.
I still have that same suit.
what we're getting.
And it only makes common sense.
When did I lose my way, boys? It's this city.
It's these Washington losers with the "you can't say that" and "you can't put a mini-fridge in your bathroom.
- It would be 'unhygienic.
'" - Here's the deal.
Washington's gonna criticize us no matter what we do.
So we should just do us, which is you.
I want to see the guy who sued my mom, the guy who totally owned a Gold Star family on national television, the guy who slapped me when I underordered at Chili's.
You're right.
You gotta see this guy.
"Uh, I don't know what I said.
Uh, I don't remember!" - That's the real Donald Trump.
- "I don't remember.
" That's who's gonna win the State of the Union.
- Uh, what should we do? - Just do what you do best, boys, which, to be clear, is nothing.
Got it.
We'll do the most nothing ever, Dad.
Tonight is President Trump's first State of the Union, and everyone's wondering, "What will he do?" Will he embrace Washington or take a 40-minute call with Carl Icahn? Make it up the podium stairs or deliver the address from the doorway? Mr.
President, I present "State of the Union 2018: Blood Horizon.
" Allow me to read you one of the more tame passages.
And, lo, the tide of Caucasian might will crush down on the shore of Chicago, [music.]
turning Lake Michigan seas red with the blood - of the irredeemably unemployed - Great stuff.
We can use it for another speech.
I'll tell Susan to keep it on file.
Melania, the State of the Union is about to start.
I'm going to New York.
I have tickets to Stomp in six hours.
Melania, I know you didn't want to come here.
None of us did.
But Hillary didn't go to Wisconsin, so here we are.
And we have to make the best of a bad situation.
Come on, babe, time to go.
We can chitchat when we're all in prison.
[epic music.]
I told you guys not to do anything.
We just wanted to show you that we're not bad at everything.
Duh-da-da-da - Do you like it? - Wow.
When you guys confirmed my ties to a hostile foreign power, I'll admit I was pretty miffed, but this is awesome! Dad, how about a hug? I'd love that, but maybe close your mouth first.
- I don't want to have to change my suit.
- Oh, it is closed.
- Don, am I crazy? Is it open? - Yeah, Dad, it's open.
It's always open.
[gavel banging.]
Speaker, the President of the United States' son.
Ladies and gentlemen, America is on fire, and there's only one man who can put it out President Donald J.
Truuuuump! [dramatic music.]
[cheers and applause.]
[engine starts, siren wails.]
My fellow Americans, the State of the Union is [horn honking.]
[cheers and applause.]
- I love you, Dad.
- I love me, too! The next seven years will be tremendous! First, I'm gonna finish this speech, and it's gonna be a huge success! Then we're gonna take all the Time's Up pins and melt them into guns.
And during sweeps week, get your passports ready, because we're taking the whole country to Hawaii! [cheers and applause.]
Okay, folks, let's bang out these special guests.
Bing, bang, boom.
We got cop, fireman, woman thing, science guy, the sandwich named after me.
They're all patriots, folks.
[cheers and applause.]
Loving it! You know, ever since I won the Electoral College by the largest margin in history, Washington has tried to box me in, make me say dumb dictionary words like "progress," and give handshakes that end the same day they began, but that's not who I am.
Donald Trump thinks freely, brags bigly, and bings bongly! One moment, I'm talking cake, and the next, I'm threatening nukes! [applause.]
I'm gonna get it, and I'm not giving it back! We'll see how you'll like it.
But what I want to talk to you about right now is my wife, Ivana Ivanka, Melanka Melania.
Yes, Melania.
She gave up a lot to be here in Washington escalators, pizza, and I don't thank her enough.
[cheers and applause.]
I don't thank you enough either.
Oh, thank you, Jared.
If you loved me, you'd tell your dad to fire me.
Oh, Jared, that will never happen.
That is why, in the spirit of returning to my impulsive ways, that I'm gonna name Melania oh, I don't know national bird? Do we like that? [cheers and applause.]
We like it.
Come on up, Bird.
How do you like your anniversary gift? You're back.
Wow, look at these gibblets! All the fixings! You all want to hear a bird sound? Caw-caw! Caw-caw! She's working on it, folks.
I give the president's speech a 10.
10 over here.
Brian? I'm gonna say a 9.
9 because, again, a tiny part of my brain and it's so small but it's screaming that all of this is completely wrong.
I'll take it.
Melania, I won the State of the Union, and I couldn't have done it without you staying quiet about the porn star I paid off.
I feel like I won the State of the Union.
Well, you kind of didn't, because it turns out there's already a national bird.
Not a lot of people know that.
- But there is some good news.
- What's this? An executive order proclaiming that I tried to make you happy.
Donald, thank you.
More good news.
My State of the Union ratings were so high, they asked me to do it again next year! Yay! [rock music.]
# Donald Trump is the president # Donald Trump is the president Is Donald Trump the president? Yes, he is Yes, he is, we elected him president Is Donald Trump the president? Yes, he is We had a vote and elected him president Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump He is our president We made him president We did it Donald Trump is the president We elected Donald Trump Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump is the president Yeah [vocalizing.]
Trump! Gotcha.
Let's have some fun.