Our Cartoon President (2017) s01e08 Episode Script

Government Shutdown

1 [man.]
We return to live coverage of the March for Our Lives in Washington, and it appears that President Trump has found an unsupervised microphone.
[President Trump.]
Hello, students! [feedback.]
It's so moving that you came all this way to celebrate Vladimir Putin's victory, and I'm sure some of you are here to express your opposition to being shot.
No one empathizes with this issue more than me because after my fifth meal and 30th diet Coke, I feel like I've been shot in the stomach.
That's why several weeks ago, I became the first Republican to propose common-sense gun reforms, and then not two minutes later, NRA chief Wayne LaPierre kicked my door off its hinges and threatened to remove my organs.
And in that moment, coincidentally, I thought, "This issue is not that important to me!" But there is one issue I'll die for ending the Russia investigation.
Everyone's wondering will Donald Trump fire special counsel Robert Mueller? Let me just reassure the American people I'm going to fire him.
You're smart kids, so I need your help.
Turn your attention to the screens for a star-studded public-service announcement.
Hey, kids.
It's DJT.
There's problems in the streets Facebook jackin' your stats George Soros bribing you to be crisis actors.
But you know what's really messed up? - Robert Mueller.
- # Robert Mueller # He wants to lock me up just for being myself.
So it's time to show him what's up.
A week from Monday, we're going to walk out of school and proclaim that we want to fire Robert Mueller.
Fire Robert Mueller - Fire Robert Mueller.
- We need to act.
- It ends today.
- Robert Mueller's super poor.
Fire Robert Mueller.
- Fire Robert Mueller.
- Fire Robert Mueller! Fire Robert Muh-er! - Robert Mueller.
- Robert Mueller! - Robert Mule-er.
- Fire Robert Mueller! - I'm the First Lady.
- # Fire Robert Mueller # [President Trump.]
Fire Robert Mueller.
1x08 - Government Shutdown [inhales, chomps.]
Sir, I'm serving as a character witness for seven White House staffers being tried in family court.
Could you sign this good-luck card for the last staff secretary? We let him go after it leaked he had done his fair share of dog strangling.
While I'm gone, McMaster's in charge.
I'd say you're in charge, but you lost that privilege when you asked what the "R" in "Argentina" stands for.
And while he's gone, we get to lock down a budget resolution! How's that sound? Sir? I don't know where he is! Uh, maybe look for a sausage patty that compliments whoever's eating it.
I'll tell Sanders to give this a positive spin and say the president's throwing pork at refugees.
Hold off.
He won't get far.
Airplane! KFC drive-through! And step on it! For all General Kelly knows, I'm still at my desk with a basketball on my head! - Damn it! - There's no pilot.
I thought you'd try this, so I told him you were into trains now.
I'm not dealing with this stupid budget resolution bill.
I mean, it's got "stupid" right there in the title.
How about this? After you close a budget deal, we'll have KFC delivered right to your larynx.
It's not about the food.
It's about the whole drive-through experience.
Will there be a monitor that displays your order? Will there be one window or two? How will the bad grease taste? Sir, I know this is controversial, and I believe the federal government should be funded, so I have to put my foot down.
Your foot never lets me do anything! [McConnell.]
Well, of course, any discussion [yawning loudly.]
of raising federal spending caps is a non-starter.
- Okay.
- And our caucus won't even discuss the FISA surveillance program.
Ugh! Shut up! This is so boring.
I could be blasting chicken down my throat with a Civil War cannon right now.
Hey, we're the Democrats.
We're the fun ones.
Just the other day, Nancy switched my pen.
I was like, "This isn't my pen.
" And she was like, "Gotcha.
I switched our pens.
" Don't you guys ever want to have fun? Like, start a football league that cuts the players' - life expectancy in half? - We do fun stuff e-mail donors, call donors, call donors to make sure they got our e-mail.
So far, nothing you've said is fun, except maybe that pen thing.
Call me when this bill has some pizzazz in it, or or pizzas! Either one.
No! Wait! Both! [music.]
[President Trump.]
Oh, come on! Where is it?! I specifically told the cable guy to make Fox News every channel! Did you finish your big bill yet? Oh, great.
Now you're nagging me about my job? What, did everyone read the Constitution all of a sudden? [Hannity.]
Strap your kids into their beds, folks.
We got a great one tonight.
- Hi, Sean! Sean! It's me! - Hannity! He's an up-and-coming conservative voice.
Please welcome the first registered Republican toddler.
Connor Smith, it's an honor.
How has Hannity not won a single award ever? Why is the deep state so goo-goo-gah-gah about supporting ISIS? Can you tell me that? Can you talk? Oh, wow.
That kid's got it made.
No meetings.
No reading.
People cheer when he dances.
So act like a toddler.
You're the Commander-in-Chief.
- You can do whatever you want.
- No, I can't! General Kelly you'll get married me.
It's like he's my dad, except he doesn't refer to padlocks as babysitters.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is an important decision, one historians will forever write about.
So, what do we think? Hell-o-o-o? How do you think Entenmann's new raspberry Danish should be served? Piping-hot or cooled by refreshing butter? Mind keeping it down, Mr.
President? We're all moving a little slow.
- Mnuchin's party got wild last night.
- Uh, he didn't have a party, because if he did, I would have been invited.
Right, Nooch? Threw a total sicky.
It was epic.
Ben Carson drove a car through my house stone-cold sober.
In my experiences, valets are inside.
Did you misspell my name on the invite? Here.
Let me write it down very clearly for you.
I threw your invite in the trash.
When you finish the budget bill, - you can hang out with your friends.
- Don't baby me, Kelly! I could totally run this business without you.
This isn't a business.
It's a government.
And you wonder why you haven't won Employee of the Month.
Welcome back.
It's Countdown to the Shutdown.
Protesters have descended on Washington, as lawmakers appear no closer to a budget deal, the final sticking point is that one side's entire political philosophy does not, in any way, overlap with the others.
We go now live to Paul Ryan.
Do you think a shutdown would hurt Republicans in the midterms? And a follow-up What the hell am I talking about? Republicans love that sort of thing.
Never mind.
And it just made me think, like, midterms are gonna be here soon.
This might be our last year in office together.
- So many memories.
- Ah.
Remember when you gave that speech on the House floor with toilet paper stuck to your shoe? [laughter.]
And then we authorized the Iraq War? - [chuckles.]
- That war was bananas! Like, a lot of people got hurt and died.
- Right, right.
- Yeah.
But you know what I remember most about it? - Yeah? - Our parties did it together.
- Oh, you're right.
- So true! - You're right about that.
- We got to really enjoy this time and have fun, like when we were teenagers reading Ayn Rand and harassing the kids in the free-lunch line.
[President Trump.]
Why are all these white people mad? I'm trying to help them.
And now I got to go to this dumb shutdown meeting.
Dad, why are you letting this Kelly dude tell you what to do? What's the point of having your own branch of government if you can't break it off, plant it, and grow your own Christmas tree?! I don't know.
I guess Kelly keeps me organized.
He tells annoying people not to barge into my office, reminds me not to call every foreign leader "Doodle Bug.
" Sounds like he friggin' sucks! If he was cool like you, he'd hold meetings in the bathroom while he took a dump.
You know what? You're right! Forget Kelly.
For the first time in my life, I'm gonna say and do whatever I want.
General Kelly, your reign is done! - Ohh.
- # I'm gonna do me # - Dad! - # Donald J.
Tru-u-u-mp # Dad what the fuck are you doing?! That's really good.
When I get back, I want the United States government funded.
And that means no parties.
Don't worry.
We're not having a party.
We're totally throwing a party.
It's gonna make Mnuchin's party look like Mike Pence's personality.
Personality is sin.
Don, Eric, get some candies, treats, and sweet treats.
What's the difference between treats and sweet treats? Eric! Don't worry, Dad.
I'll explain it to him later.
And we're gonna have it in the living room! - So someone clean it up.
- I'm an excellent cleanser.
This is no longer General Kelly's White House! It's Donny Trump's Funky Baby Party Box, where cool Trumps rule and lame generals drool.
President, you promised General Kelly you'd work on that bill.
Don't worry.
Susan's on it.
- We all know Susan doesn't exist.
- Really? Susan might disagree.
Maybe check in with her on that.
Can you believe all this shutdown Crap.
It's my first bipartisan night out in a while.
Let's forget about the shutdown for a sec.
How about, to break the ice, you ask us anything you want? No judgment.
Um, do you really want to raise taxes? Heck, no.
That money's ours.
Exactly! Your turn.
Ask us anything.
What's that all about? To be honest, I don't know what Benghazi is, where it happened Oh, yeah.
Folks in Louisville are always coming up to me worried about Libya.
Oh, get real.
Wow! We are having fun! I'm not even faking this giant open-mouth smile.
I can't stop it now, and I'm actually getting a bit frightened.
Hey, this might sound weird do you guys ever tub? - Ooh! - Ooh! - Ooh! - Right? Ruffians are planning White House protests even larger than when you issued a travel ban on Episcopalians because you thought they were refugees from Episcopalia.
McMasters, why are we talking about this? Everyone is stoked on my party, and no one gives two nickels about Kelly's weird scheme to fund the government.
What are you talking about? I love parties.
It's always nice to let your hair down, take your medals off.
- But your duty to this country comes first.
- Lighten up, McMaster! With everyone upset about the government not doing anything, a party would be a welcome distraction.
Mattis, my man! Sanders, you in? Hell yeah! Just a warnin' after three beers, I attack anyone who reminds me remotely of my father.
Now that we're all cozy, everyone go around and say something that you'd never admit to the American people.
I don't know where I'm supposed to sit in the Senate.
- Oh, my goodness.
- What?! - [laughs.]
Are you serious? - I love that! - I have no idea.
- That's amazing.
I got one.
I've never set foot inside a voting booth.
- What?! - Wow! - That's not - That's truly not okay.
- That is insane! - I mean, what's the point? It's not like - one person can actually make a difference.
- This is freaking awesome! I feel like I just mandated drug tests for food stamps.
- Whoo! Yeah, baby! - It's too bad we have to get back - and negotiate this budget bill.
- Well, who says we do? The only thing I'm negotiating is who gets out - to turn the jets on in 15 minutes.
- I'm into that.
I'd also be into reaching across the aisle just to, uh you know feel around.
- What? - Okay, I clearly misread the vibe.
[President Trump.]
Hey! We're having a party! Is this great or what! Hey! Come on! Let's hear it! Everyone get their sugar sticks?! Man, if we had these in Vietnam, it would have taken way longer to lose that war! Hah-ha! Ah, tah-pah-pah-pah-pah.
Take it easy on those, McMaster.
Nooch, what are we watching? I've got pornos based on every movie I've produced "Collateral Booty," "Mad Max: Furry Chode," - "The Lego Batman Porno.
" - I have to recuse myself.
Let's just watch the news.
My body reacts the same way to news as it does to pornography.
There's a chance we might not get paid for weeks! [crying.]
Who knows what I'll tell my kids?! [all shouting.]
Get over it, you crybaby! [knock on door.]
Crap! It's Kelly! Everybody flush yourself down the toilet, now! What the hell is going on here?! Hey, General Kelly! Yay! [Junior gurgling.]
[President Trump.]
Okay, so, I didn't pass a budget.
Big deal.
You didn't pass one, either.
Sir, the government's only funded for one more day.
This is serious! If it's so serious, then why am I wearing this hat? You call Congressional leaders and negotiate a damn bill.
- Now! - You can't tell me what to do! - You're not my real dad! - I'm not even your fake dad.
But if you want to respect your office and act like a grown adult, then pass a bill.
But if you want to be a little toddler, eat sugar, and drink sugar, don't expect my help.
So, what'll it be? [tense music.]
- [gasps.]
Cupcakes! - Guess who cut a culinary magnet school's funding and got their desserts! Three white people on a couch It's "Fox & Friends" I'm glad President Trump isn't taking this government shutdown seriously.
I don't need some FDA bureaucrat getting between me and my poisoned meats! Sure, museums will close, but, hey, that'll keep those suits of armor and woolly mammoths from running loose when they get struck by lightning - and come to life.
- That was so - Is he dead? - fun.
What's on the docket today? How about a prank? Somebody get the flu and then kiss Chief Justice John Roberts.
Oh, we'd love to say yes, but our constituents are giving us - hell about this budget deal.
- So, we took a look at your proposals.
One provision makes gun owners tax-exempt.
Who cares about all that stuff? All I care about is that four-seater hot tub and my three besties! [cellphones ringing.]
Oh, for pig shit's sake.
" We have video proof that four globalists ostensibly from different parties have now been caught on video, folks it's on video bathing together in the Satanic waters of a ritual hot tub! Paul Ryan globalist! Mitch McConnell 33-degree Mason! Nancy Pelosi a known member of San Francisco! Chuck Schumer! There is fluoride in that hot tub! Mother of God! They think we're bipartisan.
[President Trump.]
Finally, no Kelly to bother me.
Hey, I'm gonna watch some TV if anyone wants to join! No dweebs, goobers, weenies, or mean people! [hoofbeats.]
Heard your Draconian gatekeeper, General Kelly, is out, which means I'm in! Your personal space! - There's something I'd like to parlay.
- I'm not blurbing your novel.
A whodunit about a brilliant White House aide getting stood up repeatedly at the movies.
Is it sheer coincidence or evidence of a much more insidious plot? "The Feminine Menace: Volume I.
" - Dad.
- Dad.
Look at this rock.
- No! Look at my rock! - Dad.
Look at my rock.
- Don? Don? - Dad? - No, don't look at his rock! - Look at my rock! - Ben, you're not my son.
- Dad.
- Is this Mike Pence's office? - Don.
- It's my office.
- Dad! -.
Michael forgot his lunch in here.
- Dad! You're insane if you think I didn't already eat that! Ted Cruz! What are we watching? - Don? - Dad! Dad! Holy smokes! I feel like I'm in the Wild West! - Yee-haw! [imitates whip crack.]
- Dad! [sings guitar riff.]
- Dad! - Dad! [screaming.]
[door slams.]
A donkey kicking someone through a couple of swinging doors! Lord, have mercy! [Ryan.]
So, then, what are you saying? We're saying we lost sight of ourselves.
Those jets blinded us to the truth.
That tub was a beautiful apolitical womb! The deep connections I felt last night I've never felt for anyone! Not my wife, my kids, my red hat and barbells! Knock it off! You're gonna get us killed.
Come on! Chuck, I rubbed in your scalp tonic.
Nancy, I told you my middle-school secret about sneaking into ceramics after hours to make myself a clay boob I kept under my bed! And as much as that story meant to me, this is the way it has to be.
Paul, I know this applies to whenever you're awake, but you're embarrassing yourself.
Hey, hey, ho, how! The government should not shut down! Hey, hey, ho, hur! The government shutdown should not occur! [panting.]
This place is a mad house! I'm heading out to play a few holes of golf! What's 18 times 5? A thousand? Wouldn't show your face right now, sir.
Massive protests have begun.
Those have nothing to do with me.
I'm just a simple golfing man.
But if it makes them go away, I'll do the bill.
There is no bill.
The House can't agree on a single budget item.
Right now they're stuck in negotiations over how many vertical lines go through the "S" in a dollar sign.
Then round up all those stiffs and fix it.
I've never rounded up anyone that wasn't presumed dead weeks later.
You're gonna need Kelly for this one.
Many people are to blame for this government shutdown, but no group deserves more blame than Don't do it, Nancy.
Remember! The tub! than the Republicans! Everyone knows the blame lies squarely with the House Democrats, whose leader, just last night, told me that she thinks women should make 90 cents to the dollar, tops! Yeah? So? Yeah? In middle school, Paul Ryan made a clay boob! Yeah, yeah, yeah? So?! I was gonna tell everyone, anyway! Ya-hoo! Go on! Get 'em, Nancy! Go get McConnell! Get him now! Go on! Git! [humming.]
He's got a banjo! [all screaming.]
Three white people rocking out in Washington And welcome back to Fox News' Rockin' Washington Shutdown! With performances by Travis Tritt's brother, Lonnie Tritt, and the Eliminate the Estate Tax Junior Dancers.
And I'm being told that Fox News' fireworks guy is unavailable because he is, indeed, uh, Lonnie Tritt.
So instead, we'll use our mouths to make firework sounds.
Three, two, one! [imitating firework sounds.]
- Blue, yellow, green! - Boom, bang! Wow! All you had to do was call Congressional leaders, and we'd be fine, but you just had to have your fun.
Well, maybe if you ever did something for me! Everything I do is for you.
Who had your back when you accidentally called a war widow thinking it was Grubhub and yelled at her for not bringing enough blue-cheese dressing? You suffocated me! "No TV, Mr.
President! No golf! Miss Universe contestants aren't foreign dignitaries!" You won't let me do anything! I hate you! - You don't mean that.
- Yes, I do! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! [door slamming.]
Oh, God.
Come on, Donald.
You got two more in you.
All right.
One more, and your point is made.
I hate you.
[President Trump.]
Protesters, evil generals, toilets that can't flush empty McDonald's bags I hate the White House! - Where to, sir? - The only place where I can tell someone to do something and they do it, no matter what.
Hey, yeah, could I get the number 2? Ohh! [man screams.]
Do you guys have lasagna?! - No.
- I see it on the menu! Uh, we saw you tape that up there, sir.
Why don't you just do what I say?! Is that General Kelly in there? Ugh! Okay, fine.
You put me down for nine gravy packets while I decide.
Ohh! Ooh! What the? The protestors.
How did they find me? - Seatbelts.
Aah! - McMasters, if I don't make it, tell my gravy packets I love them! [protestors screaming.]
[President Trump.]
I hate to admit this, but I'm starting to think this whole situation maybe, just maybe is all your fault.
You miss him, don't you? Democratic Senator from Vermont Patrick Leahy.
I was sure we'd be bros to the end.
- What happened with you two? - What always happens, Paul.
Talk radio found out about our friendship.
- Washington happened.
- What you had was real, Mitch.
And what we had with Nancy and Chuck, that was real, too.
- Ohh! - Grow up, kid! This isn't a sleep-away camp.
Huh You and your open palm are right, Mitch.
I still have a lot of growing to do.
Growing up, boy, it's the pits But I'm not longer 46 So it's time to be a man In Washington In Washington Growing up, I had my doubts But now McMaster's all passed out And it's time to be a man In Washington Growing brains, it's not so hard Just get a sample from a dog And put it in a liquid vat Of oxygen Don't let this term become your last Give up your friends for donor cash Together: # Growing up, it's hard to do # But it's easier with you [music.]
Come on.
Let's go make women's access to vital healthcare impossible.
[sirens wailing, fire-engine horn blares.]
General Kelly! How did you find us? You're the President in an upside-down Air Force One in a fast-food drive-through.
It's the most photographed event in human history.
Even in an upside-down plane, I'm still prisoner to the media's judging gaze.
We said some things back there, but people are pretty upset about this government shutdown.
I know you're the big man in charge.
You've got the longest tie in the room.
[straw slurping.]
And you don't need to do anything you don't want to do.
But I really think you should get back to work.
Can I watch a few hours of TV first? Government shutdown, sir.
They turned off your cable.
President Trump racing back to Washing-ton [music.]
to hammer out a budget deal.
We're told the only hiccup is his head contains four gallons of blood and milkshake and his feet are so drained, they're basically flippers.
All right, I'm back.
Skip the boring stuff.
Where do I sign to get TV working again? We're in a fight, and the Republicans started it - with their ridiculous proposals! - No! Chuck started it.
Boys! Obviously, it's whoever started it's fault, but let's be adults here.
Be adults? That's rich coming from you.
You take that back, or we're not friends anymore! - Screw you! - Take a hike, will you? - I hate you! - You're all Dumpster people! Knock it off! You're all babies.
Has anyone here gone to war? No, but I did play in a college intramural Frisbee golf game that got pretty darn physical, so I get it.
If you had gone to war, [music.]
you'd know that it doesn't matter if you like your fellow soldiers.
You'd have to grow the hell up and work together because you're responsible for something more important than yourselves turning the tide in Vietnam.
- He's right.
- He makes a good point, doesn't he? - For Vietnam! - And don't forget me! I'm also responsible for something more important than me the perception of me.
So, what do you say we make me look good? We are so proud to announce that Congress has passed historic legislation to fund the government for 15 more hours.
[triumphant trumpet plays.]
You know, Mr.
President, I kind of missed you.
I realized I need someone to order around, just as much as you need someone to resent for ordering you around.
[President Trump.]
Tremendous! In fact, you've worked so hard, you should take this weekend off and spend it at KFC.
Tremendous! Great.
President? Oh, fuck.
You can't hate me more than I hate myself.
- Mr.
Presid-e-e-e-ent! - [President Trump.]
See you next month, loser! ['80s-style pop music plays.]
# Donald Trump is the president # Donald Trump is the president Is Donald Trump the president? Yes, he is Yes, he is, we elected him president Is Donald Trump the president? Yes, he is We had a vote and elected him president Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump He is our president We made him president We did it Donald Trump is the president We elected Donald Trump Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump is the president Yeah Trump!