Our Cartoon President (2017) s01e09 Episode Script

Church and State

1 - Mr.
President! - Mr.
President! Wow! Spring has sprung.
All winter long, adult-film stars have been hibernating, bellies full of fish, and now they're all emerging from their caves, giving interviews to Anderson Cooper.
Sir, why haven't you refuted the Stormy Daniels allegations? I'm trying to take the high road and do everything I can not to have a picture of my penis go public.
I mean, that thing is like a vampire bloodless, can't see it in a mirror, and, at first, Eastern European women fall in love with it, but, eventually, they try to drive a wooden stake through it.
Are you having trouble hiring lawyers? I've got great, great lawyer.
His name is Jay Sekulow.
He looks like the one guy in the women-and-children lifeboat, and he's working hard on my case in the makeup chair between cable-news appearances.
Will you be bringing on any other representation? Glad you asked.
I'm pleased to announce I have a new lawyer who's poised to completely exonerate me or negotiate my secret 3:00 a.
m.
airlift to Moscow.
And like any respectable law firm, he's got a great television commercial.
Take a look.
[announcer] When you're represented by Jean-Luc Tannenbaum, you're represented by the best.
[music] Tannenbaum received his degree in law crimes from the U.
S.
Virgin Islands School of Justice, Nursing, & Hotel Management.
He's defended clients from the family courts of Northern New Jersey to the drunk tanks of Southern New Jersey.
He's a pillar of his community, a family man, and has had sex with more than 50 of his clients.
Not bad, huh? For a consultation, visit Jean-Luc at his Washington headquarters, with cash, preferably before the 1st of the month.
No cops.
Jean-Luc Tannenbaum Ding! 1x09 - Church and State Shark! Oh, God, no-no! Oh! Aah! [organ playing] So sayeth Genesis, "When all the land of Egypt was famished, the people cried out to Pharaoh for bread.
" Bread's expensive, people! Good move by the pharaoh.
Mr.
President, would you like to say a few words? Uh, totally optional, by the way.
We'd understand if you'd rather no Wow! Jesus never drew a crowd this big.
Did you know he was Jewish? You picture Hugh Jackman, when Jesus actually looked like a little orthodontist.
[Melania] How was church today? Uneventful.
They love me over there.
[Cooper] "President Satan.
" That's what many are calling President Trump after he was caught on a hot Mic committing the biggest religious gaffe since Reagan armed the Taliban.
[President Trump] Was that Joseph guy a putz, or what? Clearly, he wasn't taking care of Mary's needs.
I mean, if God knocked up my wife, he'd never doink again.
- I'd cut off God's penis.
- [Mike Pence] Sir, I think that's a hot Mic.
[President Trump] Mike, stop acting like a tech buff.
You think your great-grandfather hunted dinosaurs.
How do grown adults still worship Jesus? I mean, where was Jesus when the Taj Mahal was at a standstill with the unions? Sometimes people need to believe in something bigger than themselves.
Like how I believe this entire experience is just a dream inside a giant's mind, and when he wakes up, I will be back in Trump Tower with my friends, the help.
[music] Sir, I'm told your imitation of Moses' stutter at church was inspiring.
There's just one problem.
You appear to have gaps in your Bible knowledge.
If a book doesn't have "Adventure Dog" in the title, I haven't read it.
Before the White House Easter festivities, I think it would be wise to study up in Mike Pence's weekly Bible study.
Can I still attend if I'm in Palm Beach and golfing? And, uh, if you ever want to hang out, just let me know, Ezra.
Might be the last time without a corrections officer listening in.
[Ezra] Yeah, I'm good, but I'll get in touch if I ever need advice on how to screw up my life.
[click, dial tone] [sighs] Well, it's official.
My only human contact, our lawyer, - is telling me not to talk to humans.
- Jared, don't give up.
Everyone needs friends.
I don't know what I would do without Anyways, if you don't have friends, you don't have likes, and if you don't have likes, you don't exist.
[music] You guys don't believe any of this Jesus stuff, right? Hell no! We pray in the name of - the Dad, the sons - The sons are us, Dad! and the holy spirit of tossing chicks into swimming pools.
- Amen! - Amen! - Jinx! - Fuck you! Jared, your nerd ass is probably obsessed with that lame Jesus church shit, right? I'm Jewish! You were at my very Jewish wedding.
You must have been doing the Jewish stuff while I was lifting those chairs up and down.
[music] And one last piece of positive news the support from your evangelical base has dropped, support amongst people who toss soda bottles in the air and shoot them continues to grow.
No way his evangelical support dropped.
They forgave you for the "Access Hollywood" tape and for allowing Puerto Rico to fester in pitch-black darkness even to this day.
Things always get messy for religious types when you bring God's junk into the equation.
Mike, how do you spin it when you'd say you'd cut off God's penis? [whimpering] I'll wake him up.
Two men holding hands! - Not in my Denny's! - There's my little zealot.
Sir, this is serious.
Your most devout supports are threatening to boycott your Easter festivities.
Lose their support, and you'll lose your shot at that second term you have no interest in.
[music] [Miller] Lord President, did you know if you rearrange the letters in "Donald J.
Trump," - it spells Jesus? - That's not true, Stevie.
But you can make it true.
If you become the holy president the faithful yearn for, your power will exceed earthly bounds.
You'll be able to skip to the front of the line of the Reptile House, change Oprah's name to Jebediah finally, turn water into viscous, spicy wine, and smite my barber's smarmy shampoo boy! I don't know, Stevie.
[music stops] Also, you will be tax-exempt.
I'm in! Tell my three wives I'm going to be the most Christian president in history! [echoing] History! [music] All right, churchies, I want evangelicals so loyal that they give me the six-dollar shirts off their backs.
Let's hear ideas.
If the Bible has taught me anything, it's that I should wait for the men around me to explain what I've learned.
What Betsy means is that Jesus gained followers - by being a faithful servant of God.
- I'm always faithful as long as I don't meet a younger, hotter God.
I find the best way to gain a following is to buy a street vender's umbrella and twirl it in front of pedestrians as free theater.
Sir, to help bring the Christian community into your embrace, how about I schedule a pre-Easter appearance at a Houston megachurch? Great idea.
Just don't bring Karen.
Jesus was already crucified.
No need to bore him to death.
[both] Baruch atah Adonai.
Eloheinu, Melech, haolam [blowing] Birthday's over, Jared! We're gonna make you a real Trump! What did I do to make you think that I want to be a real Trump, - so I know never to do it again? - Time to follow the Trump creed.
Number one, make the Dad look good, no matter what.
And, two, when not making the Dad look good, make the sons look cool as shit.
Don't you want to send back an entrée for the fourth time? [Don Jr.
] Steal your dentist's prescription pad? Buy size-14 shoes when you're actually a 5 1/2? God, that sounds miserable.
What do you think, honey? I think you need to have meaningful friendships to care about something bigger than yourself.
Like when I Well, I've already sold my soul to the devil.
Might as well snort Adderall with his cologne-drenched demons.
Hell yeah! Now let's get you uncircumcised.
Ha.
Good one.
[music] [together] For thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory, forever and ever.
- Amen.
- Amen.
I can't close my eyes.
That's when my dad appears and tells me only losers close their eyes.
Sir, for the masses to rally behind you for eternity, you must seek redemption through the sinner's prayer.
First things first, kneel before the Lord.
I'd love to, Mikey, but I haven't really taken my knees out of the box yet.
I'd hate to bring down their value by using them.
How do you tie your shoes, sir? I sort of put 'em on when I was 26, and here we are.
Time for Trump test one.
Something you won't find in your Torah is that humans have Dominican over all animals.
What the fuck?! - You have to kill the lion.
- What?! If you're gonna hang with the Trumps, you need to routinely offend people who think animals can emote.
I'm already swimming in shit.
I don't need to throw a dead lion in the pool.
[man] Can I take this costume off? Just pee in the suit, Tillerson! You people fired me.
Can't you just let me leave? I miss my money so much.
[wind chimes clinging] And then there is the 10th Do not covet Karen Pence So heed these words Get on God's level Or spend eternity Spooning with the devil And that informative little ditty is how Karen and I keep the Ten Commandments in our hearts.
- Now it's your turn.
- Ugh! Commandments 1 through 10 suppress all human instincts.
You've got it! You've never been more ready for Houston.
And now it's time for the Pence family commandments - all 29.
- What?! What's this? Don't talk on first dates And green grapes are nice But reds are a vice [both] # Wash your hands before dinner # Billy Joel is a sinner [music] [crowd] Hannity! Okay, welcome back.
Sit down! My next guests Don Jr.
and Eric Trump.
I'd dig a penny out of their asses if they asked me to! And I see you brought a bonus Trump.
Yeah, we're breaking him like a show pony.
Don't pull any punches on the hard-hitting journalism.
Let's get to it.
Don't you think it's strange that we've never seen Robert Mueller and El Chapo in the same place, the same time? Good point, Sean.
I mean, how can we trust a guy who, rumor has it, breast-fed until he was 11? Yeah, Sean! Who stops breast-feeding that early? What about you, Jared? Doesn't Mueller's very act of investigating Trump imply an anti-Trump bias? You know, actually, according to legal statute - Ah dit, dit, dit, dit! - Well, duh-duh "Actually, according to legal statute" - Shut up! - Okay, four-eyes! Jared, I fucking believe in you, you fucking idiot.
Yeah! You're our brother because you have sex with our sister! Sign in, Jared.
And add friend! Another Trump?! This is the happiest day of my life since everybody else here got fired for cause and I became the last best white guy.
Come on, Jared! I didn't tape your foreskin back on for nothing.
All right.
Fine.
U-Uh, Robert Mueller is a a Muslim Mexican sponsored by the deep state to convert Americans into transgendered bathrooms? - Whoo! There it is! - Yeah! Awesome, Jared! That's how you play ball, Jared! Tonight, my website is offering you free shipping.
Jared, throw your buddy that promo code.
[music] I need a flirty look for spring.
[organ plays] The time has come, Mr.
President.
Your flock awaits.
- Ted Cruuuuz! - Aaaah! This event's a great opportunity for me to show my piety to the Lord! But mostly to convince Texans to catatonically keep me in the Senate.
Donald, fellowship with the eternal is an intimate act, and you should never feel the need to show off in any way.
[screaming gibberish] sanctified in the name of Christ! [screaming gibberish] [congregation cheering] Brothers and sisters, I once was in the gutter, stricken with countless eradicated diseases.
Then one day, a man by the name of the Reverend Dr.
Donald J.
Trump, hallelujah, grabbed me by my thong! Hallelujah! And wedgied me into the light! He has saved us! Hallelujah! Ted Cruz! [congregation cheering] [President Trump] Don't believe the dishonest media.
I would never cut off God's penis.
Unless God begged me like, "Please, son! Slice off my dong!" [congregation chanting] Trump! Trump! Trump! Trump! Trump! Trump! [President Trump] They love me.
I'm like Jesus, only with twice as many prostitutes.
- Hallelujah! Hallelujah! - Kumbaya! Freedom! Liberty! [both screaming gibberish] Jared, I'm so excited for your bro mitzvah.
If your hair stays slicked back, then you are officially a Trump and we can, like, hang and shit.
But if your hair does not stay in place, then you go back to your old life as a punk bitch.
Come on, hair.
[grunting] Make sure it gets to the root, Eric.
Come on.
[music] - Yeah! - Fuck you, Jared! - It stayed! - Jared, you did it! You're not a friendless loser anymore! [President Trump] Religion is amazing.
I was only gonna be president for life, but now I'll soon be savior for eternity! I'm glad the Lord brought you a lasting peace in your heart.
What are you talking about? I haven't heard someone deify me in hours, and I'm getting antsy.
We could enshrine my humble Christlike vision for this nation into eternal law? Done.
Get me some blank executive orders.
Make sure they have my new address on them.
[music] Jared, it's our prenuptially obligated date night, but something feels hashtag different.
Yeah, it does.
I'm pretty fly now, huh? You know, I just got the bathroom attendant fired for not having any boysenberry Altoids.
- Hey-yo! - 'Sup, lesbos? Jared, what are my brothers doing here? Babe, if there's gonna be soosh in my boosh, it's my fedoosh doot to dish it with my dudes! - How am I doing? - Uh, what the fuck? I love you.
That was art! Hello?! Jared? Date night! Change of plans, babe.
The boys are here.
Fine.
I'm clicking to unsubscribe.
And I'm not giving feedback.
Whoo-hoo! Date night! I'll have the rock shrimp tempura! Today, I've signed this stack of executive orders [music] to mold our country into Christ's beautiful image.
That guy knew how to keep in shape.
Effective immediately, no federal funds will - go to Planned Parenthood.
- Love it.
Bakeries may deny service to men with torn jeans.
- Amen.
- People who make eye contact with the camera on their ATM - will be investigated for prostitution.
- Great.
And death is recommended for the following crimes - women pumping their own gas - Unnatural.
- eating meals out of order - Sure.
- and divorce.
- Wait.
What was that last one? Trump's new fundamentalist policies have raised the ire of the nation, as Democrats fight back with an emoji of God giving a thumbs down.
What ha Who can Hard You know, I You can [sighs] Wow.
And now it's time for Lawrence O'Donnell.
And I love that mandate requiring every public park to have an 80-foot animatronic Jesus scissor-kicking the devil! Oh, that Jesus thinks he's so great.
Oh, right I'm into Jesus now.
What did you do, Donald? I had to cancel my half-birthday orgy thanks to your stupid new policies.
What am I supposed to do with all those pentagram necklaces now? Maybe it's time you started living your life according to God's principles, Nooch.
I made that the law of the land.
And now my people can't get enough of me.
Are you kidding me? Money is the root of all evil, and I got a big root, and I rub it on my money.
That's a direct quote from you! [music] [Don Jr.
] J-Dawg, you okay? Did you just find out the Lexus 2018 LS - doesn't come sunroof optional? - It's Ivanka.
She's not really, uh, favoriting the new Jared.
You don't need her, man! Me and Don are like two Ivankas, except we're not allowed to go swimming.
In fact, let's have a toast to your freedom.
- Bartender, bring us 300 shots! - Jesus! Don't you guys ever want a night in or, you know, to spend time with your children? Nah, dude.
My dad didn't spend any time with me, and I turned out great.
What the hell, bartender?! Why are you ignoring me?! Why don't you like me?! [mug shatters] [sobbing] Please just give me a hug, bartender! [President Trump] Screw Mnuchin.
Embracing Christianity gave me something even better the tender devotion of millions.
So, when do we go visit the people who scream my name - so hard, they throw up? - Oh, today's just a quiet Bible study.
Most of religion is just reading and then talking about the reading.
And then repenting for reading.
Let us open with a prayer.
Ben? Dear God, you're the tallest being in all the land.
You could probably wink at airline pilots as if to say, "That's some quality flying.
" Amen.
[President Trump] Now do we talk about me? Religion isn't about glorifying yourself, silly.
It's about making yourself so small that you can snuggle up for a nap in the Lord's pocket! Some might say this is the only 45 minutes a week where we don't talk about you.
Then what the hell do you talk about? Carl Icahn? Feels like this J.
C.
sesh is getting tense.
So let me just say, Mr.
President, I love you.
W-W-What are you talking about? God rewards displays of vulnerability and intimacy.
- Everyone, join in.
- I love your soul.
- Our eternal love will never die.
- [DeVos] We are united as one with the Lord! [Sanders] His is the light that shines through us all.
[Mike Pence] Let us anoint ourselves in oil and embrace.
[Ben Carson] Cradle us in your bosom.
[President Trump screams] [music] [Mike Pence] And the streets will run red with their HPV-infected blood.
So, happy Easter.
[applause] Now I'd like to invite up the most God-fearing president this country has ever known Donald J.
Trump! [sarcastically] Ugh! Wow! What a service, folks.
It's so much better than being in the Palladium Club watching Roy Cohn do blow off every inch of Ed Koch.
Anyway, open your stupid Bibles and turn to the Jesus part.
[tires screech] Why have you forsaken me, Donald?! Who are you?! I am your true Lord and Savior a golf cart.
How dare you worship Christian idols! Right now you could be on your 39th hole, trying to ride me over a baby alligator.
God, that sounds so fun.
No! Go away, devil! [laughing evilly] I was just talking to my golf cart.
[man] What's it sayin'? Jared! I'm worried about you! You got so drunk, you missed Shabbat.
You were flipping light switches like it was a Tuesday.
Yeah, I thought you wanted me to have friends.
Right now, my only option is spending nights with your brothers, drunkenly changing White House computer home pages to porn-dot websites.
There's a reason I chose not to marry my brothers.
I miss my sweet, lonely Jared.
Preferences, privacy, advanced, clear cache and cookies.
Apply all! [music] [Don Jr.
] Hey, Dad, do you know where Jared is? We haven't seen him since his 30th shot last night.
I haven't, but sometimes I catch him crying - in the janitor's closet.
- Oh, great.
We'll check there.
Wait.
Do you boys want to hang out? Dad, I'm not gonna lie.
I've dreamt of you saying those words to me literally my whole, entire life.
But you're kind of a lame-ass church dork now, so it didn't really live up to the hype.
Why don't you just throw out the Christ quilt - and get your sac back? - I can't.
If I lose those Christians, I'll lose their love and this awful job I hate! Three white people on a couch - # It's "Fox & Friends" # - Blessed Easter, everybody! We're celebrating by counting down President Trump's top 10 most Christlike moments.
Number five, imposing worship requirements on our nation's Medicaid recipients.
And later, the White House Easter Egg Roll, which the President has promised to be the most confrontationally Christian in history! Welcome, children-sized humans, to the White House Easter Egg Roll.
And now my favorite Bible story.
Elijah was going to Bethel, and some children taunted him.
"Go away, bald head!" Elijah cursed them.
Two bears charged out of the underbrush and ripped them limb from limb! 42 children in all! [children crying] Oh, great.
This again.
[kicks landing] - Oh! Yeah! - Come on, Tillerson.
- Where are the eggs? - Oh, man! Jared.
Quick punch this bunny in the dong.
I need both my hands to record it on my phone.
Look.
It's been fun and pretty harrowing.
But I just don't think I'm Trumpy enough to hang with you guys.
I-I promise I'll learn to ride a bike soon! - A-And then we can go on day trips! - Don't bother, Eric.
Jared's exactly who we always suspected he was a spoiled child of a disgraced real-estate mogul with a total lack of self-awareness.
Sorry, babe.
I know you wanted me to have friends.
You know, Jared, there's one thing my brothers value more than themselves.
Click to continue? [Tillerson] I want to die.
Rex Tillerson wants to die.
Yo, Pence, Daddy, I'm sick of this religion crap! I want to go back to betting on celebrity nipple sizes without the risk of stoning.
So let's figure this shit out once and for all.
Which is the true religion Christianity or Trumpianity? The Easter egg roll to end all Easter egg rolls.
If Christianity is the true religion, Jesus will help Mike Pence win.
But if it's Trumpianity which it is - then my dad will help himself win.
- Are you in, Pence? Or are you scared your buddy Jesus' free ride is over? I believe all competition is a prideful sin.
But when God presents me with a trial, I must obey.
Get all those kids out of here! This could get ugly! Please, God, guide my egg straight and true.
Please, egg, don't tempt me into eating you.
Drei, zwei, eins! [pistol fires] Go! [music] N-o-o-o-o-o! [music] [choir vocalizing] - God? - Yes, my son.
This game is not about winning.
It is about putting your faith in the power of Jesus - Aaaah! - Winning proves your worth! Do what you would do! Go smash that loser's egg! I can't cheat.
My supporters want a moral man.
They don't need you to be moral, Donald.
They just need you to appoint judges that pose with machine guns in their Facebook photos.
But how am I going to get up? - You might need God for that one.
- No chance, asshole! [music] Eeeeehhyyaa! Thanks, Jared.
I'll take the credit from here.
[music] I win! Yeah, baby! Who's the winner? I am! Ha ha! - Whoo-hoo! - Ah-oo! Yeah! Awesome! [music] - Looks like you're a Trump after all.
- Rule numero uno make the dad look good no matter what.
Hey, we're gonna go dress up like super-realistic Arab dudes and scare McMaster.
- Are you coming? - I can't keep up with you guys.
Whenever it's time for your dad to pardon family members, I am definitely a Trump.
But until then, I'm just gonna be Jared.
You may not be our bro, but you're definitely our brother-in-law.
You know, folks, I have to stop living like Jesus and go back to living like God lashing out in anger, no matter how many people drown.
That's why certain countries have monsoon season.
You people made me out to be a Christ figure, but I'm more like the opposite of Christ.
You can call me, I don't know, the anti-Christ.
Oh, oh.
I like the sound of that.
Happy Easter, kids! [Mike Pence] I don't know what got into me.
I thought I was helping our country by bringing you closer to God.
But it turns out, that just makes it easier for you to kill him.
No kidding.
Why don't we discuss it over some stolen Easter candy? - Why steal it? You're a rich man.
- How do you think I got so rich? Oh, wow.
Now I see you through a glass, darkly.
['80s-style pop music plays] # Donald Trump is the president # Donald Trump is the president Is Donald Trump the president? Yes, he is Yes, he is, we elected him president Is Donald Trump the president? Yes, he is We had a vote and elected him president Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump He is our president We made him president We did it Donald Trump is the president We elected Donald Trump Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump is the president Yeah Trump!