Our Cartoon President (2017) s01e10 Episode Script
First Pitch
1 Wow.
We got great news, folks.
As you may have heard, Robert Mueller merely considers me a subject, not a target of his ongoing criminal investigation.
In other words, I'm off the hook! So you know what that means! Huge party hostel hotel! FYI, if an attractive woman shows up at your room with a Betamax video camera strapped to her head, it's not the luckiest day of your life.
On a more somber note, we have to talk about the big divorce news sending shock waves through the Trump family.
Channing and Jenna Dewan Tatum are splits-ville.
Don Jr.
, would you like to say a few words about the Tatums? - No, Dad! - He's really broken up about it.
Anyway, big announcement about our new national security advisor.
He's been called the "Cruise Missile Crusader" by 137 Sinclair news anchors speaking in unison.
Mr.
John Bolton! Our nation's future is so bright, [applause.]
we'll have to shield our eyes from the blast wave! Now, everyone's nervous John Bolton will make the Earth's surface as empty as Laura Ingraham's commercial breaks, but John promises he won't wage a war until he's bombed the hell out of Amazon's headquarters.
But enough about me soft-launching a military strike within my own country.
Uh-oh! Somebody find Bolton.
He looks like he should be wearing a sleeping cap and blowing a feather in the air every time he snores.
[beep.]
Good evening, my fellow Americans.
By the power vested in me, your new national security advisor, I declare our country at war, again.
"But who are we at war with?" you ask.
Why box ourselves in by declaring a single enemy? Imagine a world where there is no world.
The only mistake we made in Iraq is we went to war for a made-up reason.
When I take our country to war, I will provide no reason whatsoever! That's why I want to introduce my seven-point plan to eradicate all seven continents.
John what are you doing? [beeping.]
[groans.]
It's not a nuclear button, John.
It's to get Lou Dobbs on speakerphone.
[phone ringing.]
[Lou Dobbs.]
Hello? Hello? T-This is Dobbsie.
1x10 - First Pitch "DENT.
" "SERP.
" I can read.
[music.]
[President Trump.]
Because he's going bye-bye! I'm very proud to present H.
R.
McMaster, our National Security Advisor or Secretary of Defense not sure with the National Defense Service Medal for bravery during combat in Iraq.
He'll be happy to know we'll be winning the Iraq War for many, many years to come.
[applause.]
Hey! I also served in Iraq! The media never talks about it.
I ripped Saddam Hussein out of that spider hole and said, "Knock it off, pinhead!" The soldiers voted me Best War Guy.
I donated my medals to science so they could produce the next generation of super soldiers.
[crying.]
Anyway, here's your dumb medal! [music.]
The reason I could suplex Saddam out of that hole is I had so much upper-body strength from my baseball days.
The Yankees wanted me to play.
Actually, I played for the Yankees, and I would have been a Hall of Famer had I not left to become a tricep model.
Speaking of, Major League Baseball's Washington Nationals have once again asked you to throw out the first pitch.
They promise to put security between you and the Hispanic players.
It's a tradition that all presidents honor, so I assume you're a no? I'd love to, but, you know, I might be so good that they make me play the whole game, and I don't have time for that.
Oh, promise me you'll watch "Fox & Friends" in slow motion.
- It's worth every hour.
- I'll happily throw the first pitch.
Baseball is as American as America before 1964.
Or a middle-school textbook with a two-sentence paragraph on the Trail of Tears.
Or an abstinence-only class full of pregnant teens.
Just tell 'em tossing a ball recalls a lonely childhood defined by an emotionally distant father.
Actually, just say my arm is sore.
[music.]
So, why don't you want to throw the American baseball? [President Trump.]
I can't rely on cameras to accurately capture how perfect the pitch will be.
And if it doesn't look perfect, my manly image will be put in jeopardy.
Where did you put my tanning cream? It's under the sink! But you are the ultimate example of masculinity! Why else would you shout, "I am enough!" in your sleep every night? [hair dryer blowing.]
Of course, I am.
You know, any time I did something remotely feminine, my father would dress me like a stewardess and call me Diane for a year.
But, hey, it worked! [gasps.]
So, this weekend, are you thinking tennis, or should we have a Nancy Meyers fest and just pig out? [music.]
Mm-kay.
Read my bio back to me.
"Ivanka Trump.
Graduated from the school her father went to, worked for the company her father started, then worked for the administration her father ran.
" I feel like my inspiring story of self-reliance just isn't coming through.
Maybe put back in that I co-hosted my father's show.
Honey, stop trying to frame yourself as a female icon.
You know, you just don't have the same story as someone like Malala Yousafzai.
Oh, my God, Jare-head.
Great idea.
Take Malala's website biography.
Search "Malala," replace with "Ivanka.
" Search "head scarf," replace with "flirty summer dress.
" Search "violent attack," replace with "sex appeal.
" O-kay.
Here we go "Ivanka is currently enrolled at the University of Oxford where she can be seen around campus - wearing her signature flirty summer dress.
- I go, girl! In 2012, a mass gunman boarded Ivanka's school bus and asked for her by name before waging a sex appeal.
" I think that all works.
Trump is such a poser! I mean, the closest he's gotten to combat is when he fought to not have custody of his children! Hey! Are you guys talking about me? Oh, you know, we're just laughing about the fog of war.
You guys think of me as a guy's guy, right? Someone you fought in a foxhole with, fighting over who gets to eat the fatty part of the fox? At the risk of being court-martialed, I'd like to remind you that, quite famously, you got out of the war by saying your feet hurt.
I really wanted to go to war, but if I did, the war would be over in like 12 hours.
Where's the fun in that? Well, that sort of comes across as an excuse, and chickening out on the baseball thing might make people think twice about your, uh masculinity.
Da-da-da-ba-da! Don't bring chicken into this.
They give up their life for this country, and we need to honor them.
[music.]
If I'm going to compete with fierce boss bitches like Malala, I need to follow her brand journey.
Do you know her website traffic went through the roof when she opened that school for girls? [giggles.]
Same with Oh-prah.
As Vogue's "vows that make you go wow" documented, I love you so much, but I am just not sure you will stick the landing on this.
I mean, remember the Ivanka Cruise Line? How was I supposed to know that people would need water at sea? I don't know why I'm getting in your way here.
A-At least this act of total self-interest might inadvertently help people.
- And direct traffic to my website.
- Right, but mostly help people.
Find my website and its hot deals.
Join a referral program today! Uh, Mr.
President, have you reconsidered throwing out the first pitch? Ehh.
Seems sort of beneath the office of the President.
Now, get out! Some Disney Channel kid made fun of me on Twitter.
- How do you spell "fucktard"? - I just wanted to let you know that this first-pitch thing, it's not just about you.
It's about all us heterosexual men.
When the President guns that ball into the catcher's mitt, it shows the nation that their leading man is strong, [music.]
that the patriarchy just makes sense.
That men should decide which stores carry feminine-hygiene products and how deep into the desert those stores should be located.
No one embraces this office's masculinity more than the guy who permanently shamed a woman to get it.
And you're overstating this first-pitch thing.
- Ronald Reagan never did it.
- Yes, he did.
All the Presidents did.
Even Jimmy Carter.
- Three times.
- No! Not puny President Peanut Farmer! You tell the Washington Nationals' catcher to wear longer shoes or whatever those goofy bastards wear because I'm gonna throw the manliest first pitch in Presidential history! [music.]
[audience.]
"Hannity"! Good to be back, patriots.
I spent a long weekend chasing Meryl Streep with a riding lawn mower.
President Trump's first pitch is one week away, and you can bet I'll be in the bleachers making the game unbearable for anybody around me! All right, sir.
General Mattis is 60 feet, 6 inches away.
Just like the catcher when you throw your first pitch.
Ohh! My bones are spurring! Oww! [groans.]
- We don't have time to watch you stall.
- Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! You know how many e-mails you get when you're running three goddamn wars? Okay, I did it.
It was so fast, you couldn't see it.
We can see the ball in your hand, sir.
It's covered with yellow icing.
Where the hell did you get yellow icing?! Well, it's none of your business which child's party I stole cake from.
Here we go, Mattis.
Have the hand repair man standing by.
Yah! The ball freaked out at the last second, dove for cover, and I'm more masculine than you even realized! W-Why are you guys staring at me? Is it my hair? Do I have a whitehead?! I'm pretty sure, to open a school, you just rent out two floors of a brownstone, get a tobacco company to donate a bunch of iPads, and choose which Pinot grigio best complements the multiplication tables.
It's actually far less complicated than that! My administration has worked tirelessly to accept schools of all different types.
Some schools have libraries, study lounges, and iPads galore.
Others have roofs.
I just want to make it easier for even one young woman to grow up and be the next IvankaTrump.
com unique visitor and newsletter subscriber.
[sobbing.]
I just don't want them to struggle like me! Like and share if you agree! Enh! Ahhh! So, Don, you wanna get in on the old "overcompensate for feelings of inferiority" game and strut for the man with a Texas-sized pistola? I figure if anyone knows guns, it's the guy Secret Service refuses to protect.
That's Ted Cruz!! Here's one rifle for you and one for me! Whoa! Wow! I really do feel like a man! That means it's workin'! Now, I'm gonna reveal a couple embarrassing details about myself.
And watch as I still feel good because I'm holding a gun! I once kidnapped my neighbor's cat so I could use it to practice kissing! Feelin' good! One time, I dropped my drawers, and my date ran out the room like she was trying to outrun a nine-foot centipede! Feelin' good! - Now you do one.
- Umm - I hung out with Ted Cruz? - Feelin' good! [music.]
Thank you for meeting with me about my new school.
It's just nice to talk to someone who I share so much - life experience with.
- Absolutely.
And I'm just so excited that the meritocracy is working properly, and you're serving in the most powerful office on Earth.
I know you're not feeling well and need to get back to making sure your brain doesn't spill out of your head, and so I'll get to it.
I would love to accept a sizable contribution from The Clinton Foundation for my new school.
Oh, we're not really a foundation anymore, so much as a thick smoke screen for Republicans to draw attention from your father's Mussolini cosplay.
And you're doing a great job! So, from one feminist to another, - can we agree to lift each other up? - I'd love to, but unfortunately, I'm on so much Xanax and chardonnay that I'm not legally allowed to write a check.
I'll tell you what, though.
Until that changes, you can eat my ass.
[music.]
[President Trump.]
Let's make this quick.
I get Don Jr.
to teach me to smoke cigarettes Thank God you're here, sir! North Korean Leader Kim Jong-un has just test-fired a nuclear warhead with enough range to hit the continental United States! Sir, this is deadly serious.
The nation is counting on you.
W-Wait.
R-Really? You're gonna let me finally do this? I'd think I was dreaming, but none of you are cougars trying to eat my penis.
Sir, we can't tell you what to do.
You have to decide if you're man enough to hit that button.
Oh-ohh You know, I've always talked a big game about this, but now that the moment is here, I'm just not sure if I want to press the button.
[yells.]
Or really press the button! - Aaaaah! Grr! Aaah! - Sir! Sir! - Hello?! Sir! - Ah-ha-ha! That button isn't attached to anything.
We just wanted you to feel like a man so you'd drop this whole "bound to be humiliating" - first-pitch idea.
- Drop it? You just gave me the confidence I needed to want to do it even more! I'm a big bad button boy now, and nothing can stop me! - By the way, have you practiced at all? - Real cool, McMasters.
Those cake eaters might still be having a birthday party.
You gonna go stab their bouncy castle? Boop! [music.]
[audience.]
"Hannity"! We begin tonight with the only man who's ever unlocked all my pleasure centers President Donald JFK Trump.
Great to be here, hoss.
[chain saw buzzes.]
You're here to promote your first pitch, and who am I to get in the way of what the government wants to do? And the first 10,000 fans will receive Buff President Man Beans! These Man Beans are an intense cocktail of fresh legumes and grounded hammers sprinkled with bull-penis nerve endings.
[chain saw buzzes.]
Any more of this manlihood, and I tell you, my penis will jump out of my pants and go bowling.
So let's bring in someone who can speak for all women hot, blond rich lady Ivanka Trump.
Everyone knows there's no greater ally for women than Sean Hannity.
I have to.
They're helpless.
That's why I chose this platform to announce the Ivanka Trump School for Women and Girls in Africa.
We'll give these amazing women and girls in Africa the skills they need to succeed in the new economy in Africa.
Wow.
Isn't she great, Don? Unbelievable.
She's almost as good as the worst man.
[singsong voice.]
She's nipping at Mark Ruffalo's heels! [chain saw buzzing.]
Sir, you never finished telling us whether you want to be vacuum-sealed so you won't get the sniffles.
- Enhh! - What does that mean? [gravelly voice.]
Everyone knows Donald Trump is the strong, silent type who keeps his thoughts to himself and stares into fireplaces, searching for answers.
Sir, you've replaced all the fireplaces with 95-inch flat screens.
Seems like the modern world has got no place for this old callous tumbleweed.
Now, if you'll kindly step aside, I'll be on my motorcycle to wherever the man wind takes me.
[announcer.]
You're watching "The Price is Right"! [normal voice.]
Oh, my God! What is Drew Carey wearing?! [music.]
Jare-head, the segment's on! Stop sitting fully clothed on the toilet with your head in your hands while the shower's running! Sorry.
I was I was just trying to enjoy sitting on a toilet without a cellmate leering at me.
Okay, we have here the details of Ivanka Trump's school.
Tell me if this sounds familiar.
A group of young women sitting in rows.
Women are stronger together.
The women are making clothes.
- Such a valuable skill.
- For pennies.
Then the clothes are sold for thousands on IvankaTrump.
com.
That way, I make a big profit! This, my friends, is billed as, oohr, an institution of female empowerment but is actually a sweatshop.
You know, that wasn't my intent, but it's definitely where I ended up.
Did you see Rupert Murdoch in Vanity Fair? He found four women willing to marry him, but he couldn't find a decent chin implant? [gravelly voice.]
I had a Rupert in my platoon.
Used to tell him stories about my pregnant wife, Lucy, back home.
[shouting, gunfire.]
Since when do you care about the Battle of the Bulge? Gladiators, Melania.
Every one of them.
That's when men were men and battles were of the bulge.
Are you ever going to practice throwing a baseball?! Can I get one moment of peace in my own damn house? If you need me, I'll be at the tavern, drinking whiskey and humming old Irish hymns.
[announcer.]
Welcome back to "Wheel of Fortune"! [normal voice.]
Oh, my God! Is that a new wheel?! [music.]
[Ivanka.]
Everyone's come out against me.
Oh-prah, Ellen, the United Nations Commission on Human Rights, The Barefoot Contessa! Come on, babe.
You had to know this was coming.
I mean, you don't see a lot of schools with an electrified perimeter fence.
These countries are dangerous, and I didn't want my students getting away! The real victims here are the price-conscious customers of IvankaTrump.
com.
[computer beeps.]
Ooh.
Bad news, babe.
"This website has been suspended due to a violation of our policy against child slavery"?! N-o-o-o-o-o! [music.]
[gravelly voice.]
Hey.
Where's my man costume? I can't find my cowboy hat and Tim Allen keychain anywhere.
We threw them in the trash.
We were sick of your sweet-ass manly attitude which fucking rules! But we hated it! You made me go Alaskan crab fishing.
A wave clocked me, and I barfed on my ass! Oh, and one more thing.
We canceled your first pitch.
[normal voice.]
What?! Why would you do that?! They can't start the game without the first pitch.
That's like starting the day without a failed bowel movement.
They found another septuagenarian to replace you.
[Sean Hannity.]
Ladies and gentlemen, our darkest fears have been realized.
The first pitch to open the season for the Washington Nationals will be thrown out by career criminal Hillary Clinton.
The attack on Pearl Harbor now seems like Free Cone Day at Ben & Jerry's.
[gravelly voice.]
Torch one of my TVs.
I need a fire to stare into.
[dramatic music.]
I wouldn't have bought this television if I knew it'd smell weird when I burned it.
[anchorman.]
Fox News alert.
North Korean Leader Kim Jong-un has just released a video reportedly showing him throwing a 400-mile-per-hour fastball.
[mitt smacks.]
[man.]
Oh! [grumbles.]
Afterwards, the North Korean dictator had this to say.
[female interpreter.]
"My rocket fastball is far superior in speed and masculinity to the impotent toss of Donald Trump, America's voluptuous lunatic leader.
More historic news North Korea's Genius Science Squadron infiltrated IvankaTrump.
com and turned it into a den of tasteless reptilian erotica.
" I specifically said do not make Eric head of your cybersecurity team.
[President Trump.]
God damn it! I flew that chopper full of dangling ladies out of Saigon, and this is the parade they throw me?! Sir, we need to talk.
You did not fight in Vietnam.
You said you had bone spurs, which is an insult to the brave draft dodgers who struggled to at least come up with a good excuse.
Mr.
President, I'm gonna tell you something you need to hear.
- You aren't a man's man.
- Stop throwing shade, you bitch.
That's what I mean.
You care about gossip, wear tons of makeup, and use a truck's worth of hair spray just to show up for breakfast.
You're one notch away from being a nosy landlady - or a judge on "Project Runway.
" - Can we talk about Tim Gunn? - I'm doing it right now, aren't I? - And that's okay.
[music.]
This whole John Wayne, Clint Eastwood thing is in the past.
Now women want to be paid the same as men, and men want to be paid to write travel blogs, and as much as we resist, this movement won't stop until every person has an amorphous, genderless genital.
If the diva's done with her spotlight, can we get back to me and the first pitch? - Should I go for it? - Why not? Just because you're not a man's man doesn't mean you shouldn't continue to pretend to be one.
That's still who this country elected.
Don't forget someone who favored white people.
Sure, sure.
That's a given.
How did this happen? I think I need to talk to the person in the world who inspires me most.
Hey, Ivanka.
It's me, Ivanka Trump.
What should I do? Open a school for women and girls in Africa? OMG! Great idea, queen! I can see where this is headed.
You can buy tons of schools.
I can buy tons of overleveraged properties.
None of it will make a difference.
We'll just never have the inspiring life experiences of Oprah or Malala or pretty much anyone who grew up without a live-in eyebrow threader.
What do you mean? I've struggled.
One time, my horse, Benedict Chambray, was sick, so I had to take horseback riding lessons on one that I had zero rapport with! Yeah, but Malala and Oprah have been through some shit! You can't just hashtag your way to becoming a respected female icon.
You actually have to overcome adversity.
[man on TV.]
We go live now to Hillary Clinton, who is holding an impromptu press conference.
As many of you know, earlier today, I suffered a little heat stroke.
It was very hot outside, and I didn't drink enough water this morning.
Anyways, I'm feeling great, and I look forward to continuing to fight for the American people.
Whee! Holy crap! I can still do the first pitch?! Oh, and remind me to ask Hillary what lotion she uses for her face.
I'm pretty sure it's La Mer, but it could be Lancóme.
There's my guy.
[man.]
Welcome to the opening game of the 2018 Major League Baseball season! Tonight's game is brought to you by Buff President Man Beans! I gots to have my Man Beans.
[growls.]
Boo! The national anthem was too short! Sing all the verses! I'm hungry! Hey, hot-dog guy! Hot-dog guy! Hot-dog guy! Hot dog! [man.]
Tonight's first pitch will be thrown by your president, Donald J.
Trump! [crowd booing, organ playing.]
Come on, Donald.
It all comes down to this.
You've been saving your arm for this moment for 71 years.
Everybody shut up! Stars and stripes are about to shoot out his ass! Okay.
Here we go.
On your marks, get set [Ivanka.]
Halt, Daddy! I won't let you throw that pitch! You're not Ivanka Strong! What are you doing here, Ivanka? Daddy's working.
I'm queen of The Resistance now.
No more first pitches until there's a female president! And that female president is me! [crowd booing, jeering.]
Don't waste those beans!! Pour 'em into your hands and jam 'em down my throat! They're booing me.
I'm facing adversity! I hear your voices, and you are heard! You're so brave, honey.
And what kind of veteran would I be if I didn't support you 100%? Baseball's canceled! I'm not longer in it.
Ratings are terrible.
[man on P.
A.
.]
Your beans taste like shit.
[Cooper.]
Security removed a vomiting Sean Hannity after he overindulged on Man Beans.
[groans.]
Then Ivanka Trump announced that she'll be the first female president.
Oh, my God! Why is everyone pressuring me to be president? [Don Jr.
.]
That's bullshit, Ivanka! I'm the oldest, so I should be the next president! And my VP will be my boy Nick.
Dude's twitchy as hell, and he knows all the state capitals.
Can I be president if I have a cinnamon allergy? Ooh, I could make this all come crashing down.
Is anyone going to first ask their wives before running for president? - Boo! - Boo! Bring back Mal Marna or whatever.
You'll all get your turn to be president.
Just promise that you'll pardon the rest of us.
- Sounds good.
- I love you, Daddy! Now I must do what the people elected me to do.
Bully Hillary Clinton on all media platforms? [Don Jr.
.]
Show America that Eric's a dipshit? Dad! Don's making fun of me! Yes to all of that! But, more importantly, watch television until it's another day.
- [woman.]
Predicting a Democratic wave.
- Fake news.
[Cooper.]
Robert Mueller making progress.
- Fake news.
- And reports of the First Lady - apartment shopping - Fake news.
['80s- style pop music plays.]
# Donald Trump is the president # Donald Trump is the president Is Donald Trump the president? Yes, he is Yes, he is, we elected him president Is Donald Trump the president? Yes, he is We had a vote and elected him president Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump He is our president We made him president We did it Donald Trump is the president We elected Donald Trump Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump is the president Yeah Trump!
We got great news, folks.
As you may have heard, Robert Mueller merely considers me a subject, not a target of his ongoing criminal investigation.
In other words, I'm off the hook! So you know what that means! Huge party hostel hotel! FYI, if an attractive woman shows up at your room with a Betamax video camera strapped to her head, it's not the luckiest day of your life.
On a more somber note, we have to talk about the big divorce news sending shock waves through the Trump family.
Channing and Jenna Dewan Tatum are splits-ville.
Don Jr.
, would you like to say a few words about the Tatums? - No, Dad! - He's really broken up about it.
Anyway, big announcement about our new national security advisor.
He's been called the "Cruise Missile Crusader" by 137 Sinclair news anchors speaking in unison.
Mr.
John Bolton! Our nation's future is so bright, [applause.]
we'll have to shield our eyes from the blast wave! Now, everyone's nervous John Bolton will make the Earth's surface as empty as Laura Ingraham's commercial breaks, but John promises he won't wage a war until he's bombed the hell out of Amazon's headquarters.
But enough about me soft-launching a military strike within my own country.
Uh-oh! Somebody find Bolton.
He looks like he should be wearing a sleeping cap and blowing a feather in the air every time he snores.
[beep.]
Good evening, my fellow Americans.
By the power vested in me, your new national security advisor, I declare our country at war, again.
"But who are we at war with?" you ask.
Why box ourselves in by declaring a single enemy? Imagine a world where there is no world.
The only mistake we made in Iraq is we went to war for a made-up reason.
When I take our country to war, I will provide no reason whatsoever! That's why I want to introduce my seven-point plan to eradicate all seven continents.
John what are you doing? [beeping.]
[groans.]
It's not a nuclear button, John.
It's to get Lou Dobbs on speakerphone.
[phone ringing.]
[Lou Dobbs.]
Hello? Hello? T-This is Dobbsie.
1x10 - First Pitch "DENT.
" "SERP.
" I can read.
[music.]
[President Trump.]
Because he's going bye-bye! I'm very proud to present H.
R.
McMaster, our National Security Advisor or Secretary of Defense not sure with the National Defense Service Medal for bravery during combat in Iraq.
He'll be happy to know we'll be winning the Iraq War for many, many years to come.
[applause.]
Hey! I also served in Iraq! The media never talks about it.
I ripped Saddam Hussein out of that spider hole and said, "Knock it off, pinhead!" The soldiers voted me Best War Guy.
I donated my medals to science so they could produce the next generation of super soldiers.
[crying.]
Anyway, here's your dumb medal! [music.]
The reason I could suplex Saddam out of that hole is I had so much upper-body strength from my baseball days.
The Yankees wanted me to play.
Actually, I played for the Yankees, and I would have been a Hall of Famer had I not left to become a tricep model.
Speaking of, Major League Baseball's Washington Nationals have once again asked you to throw out the first pitch.
They promise to put security between you and the Hispanic players.
It's a tradition that all presidents honor, so I assume you're a no? I'd love to, but, you know, I might be so good that they make me play the whole game, and I don't have time for that.
Oh, promise me you'll watch "Fox & Friends" in slow motion.
- It's worth every hour.
- I'll happily throw the first pitch.
Baseball is as American as America before 1964.
Or a middle-school textbook with a two-sentence paragraph on the Trail of Tears.
Or an abstinence-only class full of pregnant teens.
Just tell 'em tossing a ball recalls a lonely childhood defined by an emotionally distant father.
Actually, just say my arm is sore.
[music.]
So, why don't you want to throw the American baseball? [President Trump.]
I can't rely on cameras to accurately capture how perfect the pitch will be.
And if it doesn't look perfect, my manly image will be put in jeopardy.
Where did you put my tanning cream? It's under the sink! But you are the ultimate example of masculinity! Why else would you shout, "I am enough!" in your sleep every night? [hair dryer blowing.]
Of course, I am.
You know, any time I did something remotely feminine, my father would dress me like a stewardess and call me Diane for a year.
But, hey, it worked! [gasps.]
So, this weekend, are you thinking tennis, or should we have a Nancy Meyers fest and just pig out? [music.]
Mm-kay.
Read my bio back to me.
"Ivanka Trump.
Graduated from the school her father went to, worked for the company her father started, then worked for the administration her father ran.
" I feel like my inspiring story of self-reliance just isn't coming through.
Maybe put back in that I co-hosted my father's show.
Honey, stop trying to frame yourself as a female icon.
You know, you just don't have the same story as someone like Malala Yousafzai.
Oh, my God, Jare-head.
Great idea.
Take Malala's website biography.
Search "Malala," replace with "Ivanka.
" Search "head scarf," replace with "flirty summer dress.
" Search "violent attack," replace with "sex appeal.
" O-kay.
Here we go "Ivanka is currently enrolled at the University of Oxford where she can be seen around campus - wearing her signature flirty summer dress.
- I go, girl! In 2012, a mass gunman boarded Ivanka's school bus and asked for her by name before waging a sex appeal.
" I think that all works.
Trump is such a poser! I mean, the closest he's gotten to combat is when he fought to not have custody of his children! Hey! Are you guys talking about me? Oh, you know, we're just laughing about the fog of war.
You guys think of me as a guy's guy, right? Someone you fought in a foxhole with, fighting over who gets to eat the fatty part of the fox? At the risk of being court-martialed, I'd like to remind you that, quite famously, you got out of the war by saying your feet hurt.
I really wanted to go to war, but if I did, the war would be over in like 12 hours.
Where's the fun in that? Well, that sort of comes across as an excuse, and chickening out on the baseball thing might make people think twice about your, uh masculinity.
Da-da-da-ba-da! Don't bring chicken into this.
They give up their life for this country, and we need to honor them.
[music.]
If I'm going to compete with fierce boss bitches like Malala, I need to follow her brand journey.
Do you know her website traffic went through the roof when she opened that school for girls? [giggles.]
Same with Oh-prah.
As Vogue's "vows that make you go wow" documented, I love you so much, but I am just not sure you will stick the landing on this.
I mean, remember the Ivanka Cruise Line? How was I supposed to know that people would need water at sea? I don't know why I'm getting in your way here.
A-At least this act of total self-interest might inadvertently help people.
- And direct traffic to my website.
- Right, but mostly help people.
Find my website and its hot deals.
Join a referral program today! Uh, Mr.
President, have you reconsidered throwing out the first pitch? Ehh.
Seems sort of beneath the office of the President.
Now, get out! Some Disney Channel kid made fun of me on Twitter.
- How do you spell "fucktard"? - I just wanted to let you know that this first-pitch thing, it's not just about you.
It's about all us heterosexual men.
When the President guns that ball into the catcher's mitt, it shows the nation that their leading man is strong, [music.]
that the patriarchy just makes sense.
That men should decide which stores carry feminine-hygiene products and how deep into the desert those stores should be located.
No one embraces this office's masculinity more than the guy who permanently shamed a woman to get it.
And you're overstating this first-pitch thing.
- Ronald Reagan never did it.
- Yes, he did.
All the Presidents did.
Even Jimmy Carter.
- Three times.
- No! Not puny President Peanut Farmer! You tell the Washington Nationals' catcher to wear longer shoes or whatever those goofy bastards wear because I'm gonna throw the manliest first pitch in Presidential history! [music.]
[audience.]
"Hannity"! Good to be back, patriots.
I spent a long weekend chasing Meryl Streep with a riding lawn mower.
President Trump's first pitch is one week away, and you can bet I'll be in the bleachers making the game unbearable for anybody around me! All right, sir.
General Mattis is 60 feet, 6 inches away.
Just like the catcher when you throw your first pitch.
Ohh! My bones are spurring! Oww! [groans.]
- We don't have time to watch you stall.
- Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! You know how many e-mails you get when you're running three goddamn wars? Okay, I did it.
It was so fast, you couldn't see it.
We can see the ball in your hand, sir.
It's covered with yellow icing.
Where the hell did you get yellow icing?! Well, it's none of your business which child's party I stole cake from.
Here we go, Mattis.
Have the hand repair man standing by.
Yah! The ball freaked out at the last second, dove for cover, and I'm more masculine than you even realized! W-Why are you guys staring at me? Is it my hair? Do I have a whitehead?! I'm pretty sure, to open a school, you just rent out two floors of a brownstone, get a tobacco company to donate a bunch of iPads, and choose which Pinot grigio best complements the multiplication tables.
It's actually far less complicated than that! My administration has worked tirelessly to accept schools of all different types.
Some schools have libraries, study lounges, and iPads galore.
Others have roofs.
I just want to make it easier for even one young woman to grow up and be the next IvankaTrump.
com unique visitor and newsletter subscriber.
[sobbing.]
I just don't want them to struggle like me! Like and share if you agree! Enh! Ahhh! So, Don, you wanna get in on the old "overcompensate for feelings of inferiority" game and strut for the man with a Texas-sized pistola? I figure if anyone knows guns, it's the guy Secret Service refuses to protect.
That's Ted Cruz!! Here's one rifle for you and one for me! Whoa! Wow! I really do feel like a man! That means it's workin'! Now, I'm gonna reveal a couple embarrassing details about myself.
And watch as I still feel good because I'm holding a gun! I once kidnapped my neighbor's cat so I could use it to practice kissing! Feelin' good! One time, I dropped my drawers, and my date ran out the room like she was trying to outrun a nine-foot centipede! Feelin' good! - Now you do one.
- Umm - I hung out with Ted Cruz? - Feelin' good! [music.]
Thank you for meeting with me about my new school.
It's just nice to talk to someone who I share so much - life experience with.
- Absolutely.
And I'm just so excited that the meritocracy is working properly, and you're serving in the most powerful office on Earth.
I know you're not feeling well and need to get back to making sure your brain doesn't spill out of your head, and so I'll get to it.
I would love to accept a sizable contribution from The Clinton Foundation for my new school.
Oh, we're not really a foundation anymore, so much as a thick smoke screen for Republicans to draw attention from your father's Mussolini cosplay.
And you're doing a great job! So, from one feminist to another, - can we agree to lift each other up? - I'd love to, but unfortunately, I'm on so much Xanax and chardonnay that I'm not legally allowed to write a check.
I'll tell you what, though.
Until that changes, you can eat my ass.
[music.]
[President Trump.]
Let's make this quick.
I get Don Jr.
to teach me to smoke cigarettes Thank God you're here, sir! North Korean Leader Kim Jong-un has just test-fired a nuclear warhead with enough range to hit the continental United States! Sir, this is deadly serious.
The nation is counting on you.
W-Wait.
R-Really? You're gonna let me finally do this? I'd think I was dreaming, but none of you are cougars trying to eat my penis.
Sir, we can't tell you what to do.
You have to decide if you're man enough to hit that button.
Oh-ohh You know, I've always talked a big game about this, but now that the moment is here, I'm just not sure if I want to press the button.
[yells.]
Or really press the button! - Aaaaah! Grr! Aaah! - Sir! Sir! - Hello?! Sir! - Ah-ha-ha! That button isn't attached to anything.
We just wanted you to feel like a man so you'd drop this whole "bound to be humiliating" - first-pitch idea.
- Drop it? You just gave me the confidence I needed to want to do it even more! I'm a big bad button boy now, and nothing can stop me! - By the way, have you practiced at all? - Real cool, McMasters.
Those cake eaters might still be having a birthday party.
You gonna go stab their bouncy castle? Boop! [music.]
[audience.]
"Hannity"! We begin tonight with the only man who's ever unlocked all my pleasure centers President Donald JFK Trump.
Great to be here, hoss.
[chain saw buzzes.]
You're here to promote your first pitch, and who am I to get in the way of what the government wants to do? And the first 10,000 fans will receive Buff President Man Beans! These Man Beans are an intense cocktail of fresh legumes and grounded hammers sprinkled with bull-penis nerve endings.
[chain saw buzzes.]
Any more of this manlihood, and I tell you, my penis will jump out of my pants and go bowling.
So let's bring in someone who can speak for all women hot, blond rich lady Ivanka Trump.
Everyone knows there's no greater ally for women than Sean Hannity.
I have to.
They're helpless.
That's why I chose this platform to announce the Ivanka Trump School for Women and Girls in Africa.
We'll give these amazing women and girls in Africa the skills they need to succeed in the new economy in Africa.
Wow.
Isn't she great, Don? Unbelievable.
She's almost as good as the worst man.
[singsong voice.]
She's nipping at Mark Ruffalo's heels! [chain saw buzzing.]
Sir, you never finished telling us whether you want to be vacuum-sealed so you won't get the sniffles.
- Enhh! - What does that mean? [gravelly voice.]
Everyone knows Donald Trump is the strong, silent type who keeps his thoughts to himself and stares into fireplaces, searching for answers.
Sir, you've replaced all the fireplaces with 95-inch flat screens.
Seems like the modern world has got no place for this old callous tumbleweed.
Now, if you'll kindly step aside, I'll be on my motorcycle to wherever the man wind takes me.
[announcer.]
You're watching "The Price is Right"! [normal voice.]
Oh, my God! What is Drew Carey wearing?! [music.]
Jare-head, the segment's on! Stop sitting fully clothed on the toilet with your head in your hands while the shower's running! Sorry.
I was I was just trying to enjoy sitting on a toilet without a cellmate leering at me.
Okay, we have here the details of Ivanka Trump's school.
Tell me if this sounds familiar.
A group of young women sitting in rows.
Women are stronger together.
The women are making clothes.
- Such a valuable skill.
- For pennies.
Then the clothes are sold for thousands on IvankaTrump.
com.
That way, I make a big profit! This, my friends, is billed as, oohr, an institution of female empowerment but is actually a sweatshop.
You know, that wasn't my intent, but it's definitely where I ended up.
Did you see Rupert Murdoch in Vanity Fair? He found four women willing to marry him, but he couldn't find a decent chin implant? [gravelly voice.]
I had a Rupert in my platoon.
Used to tell him stories about my pregnant wife, Lucy, back home.
[shouting, gunfire.]
Since when do you care about the Battle of the Bulge? Gladiators, Melania.
Every one of them.
That's when men were men and battles were of the bulge.
Are you ever going to practice throwing a baseball?! Can I get one moment of peace in my own damn house? If you need me, I'll be at the tavern, drinking whiskey and humming old Irish hymns.
[announcer.]
Welcome back to "Wheel of Fortune"! [normal voice.]
Oh, my God! Is that a new wheel?! [music.]
[Ivanka.]
Everyone's come out against me.
Oh-prah, Ellen, the United Nations Commission on Human Rights, The Barefoot Contessa! Come on, babe.
You had to know this was coming.
I mean, you don't see a lot of schools with an electrified perimeter fence.
These countries are dangerous, and I didn't want my students getting away! The real victims here are the price-conscious customers of IvankaTrump.
com.
[computer beeps.]
Ooh.
Bad news, babe.
"This website has been suspended due to a violation of our policy against child slavery"?! N-o-o-o-o-o! [music.]
[gravelly voice.]
Hey.
Where's my man costume? I can't find my cowboy hat and Tim Allen keychain anywhere.
We threw them in the trash.
We were sick of your sweet-ass manly attitude which fucking rules! But we hated it! You made me go Alaskan crab fishing.
A wave clocked me, and I barfed on my ass! Oh, and one more thing.
We canceled your first pitch.
[normal voice.]
What?! Why would you do that?! They can't start the game without the first pitch.
That's like starting the day without a failed bowel movement.
They found another septuagenarian to replace you.
[Sean Hannity.]
Ladies and gentlemen, our darkest fears have been realized.
The first pitch to open the season for the Washington Nationals will be thrown out by career criminal Hillary Clinton.
The attack on Pearl Harbor now seems like Free Cone Day at Ben & Jerry's.
[gravelly voice.]
Torch one of my TVs.
I need a fire to stare into.
[dramatic music.]
I wouldn't have bought this television if I knew it'd smell weird when I burned it.
[anchorman.]
Fox News alert.
North Korean Leader Kim Jong-un has just released a video reportedly showing him throwing a 400-mile-per-hour fastball.
[mitt smacks.]
[man.]
Oh! [grumbles.]
Afterwards, the North Korean dictator had this to say.
[female interpreter.]
"My rocket fastball is far superior in speed and masculinity to the impotent toss of Donald Trump, America's voluptuous lunatic leader.
More historic news North Korea's Genius Science Squadron infiltrated IvankaTrump.
com and turned it into a den of tasteless reptilian erotica.
" I specifically said do not make Eric head of your cybersecurity team.
[President Trump.]
God damn it! I flew that chopper full of dangling ladies out of Saigon, and this is the parade they throw me?! Sir, we need to talk.
You did not fight in Vietnam.
You said you had bone spurs, which is an insult to the brave draft dodgers who struggled to at least come up with a good excuse.
Mr.
President, I'm gonna tell you something you need to hear.
- You aren't a man's man.
- Stop throwing shade, you bitch.
That's what I mean.
You care about gossip, wear tons of makeup, and use a truck's worth of hair spray just to show up for breakfast.
You're one notch away from being a nosy landlady - or a judge on "Project Runway.
" - Can we talk about Tim Gunn? - I'm doing it right now, aren't I? - And that's okay.
[music.]
This whole John Wayne, Clint Eastwood thing is in the past.
Now women want to be paid the same as men, and men want to be paid to write travel blogs, and as much as we resist, this movement won't stop until every person has an amorphous, genderless genital.
If the diva's done with her spotlight, can we get back to me and the first pitch? - Should I go for it? - Why not? Just because you're not a man's man doesn't mean you shouldn't continue to pretend to be one.
That's still who this country elected.
Don't forget someone who favored white people.
Sure, sure.
That's a given.
How did this happen? I think I need to talk to the person in the world who inspires me most.
Hey, Ivanka.
It's me, Ivanka Trump.
What should I do? Open a school for women and girls in Africa? OMG! Great idea, queen! I can see where this is headed.
You can buy tons of schools.
I can buy tons of overleveraged properties.
None of it will make a difference.
We'll just never have the inspiring life experiences of Oprah or Malala or pretty much anyone who grew up without a live-in eyebrow threader.
What do you mean? I've struggled.
One time, my horse, Benedict Chambray, was sick, so I had to take horseback riding lessons on one that I had zero rapport with! Yeah, but Malala and Oprah have been through some shit! You can't just hashtag your way to becoming a respected female icon.
You actually have to overcome adversity.
[man on TV.]
We go live now to Hillary Clinton, who is holding an impromptu press conference.
As many of you know, earlier today, I suffered a little heat stroke.
It was very hot outside, and I didn't drink enough water this morning.
Anyways, I'm feeling great, and I look forward to continuing to fight for the American people.
Whee! Holy crap! I can still do the first pitch?! Oh, and remind me to ask Hillary what lotion she uses for her face.
I'm pretty sure it's La Mer, but it could be Lancóme.
There's my guy.
[man.]
Welcome to the opening game of the 2018 Major League Baseball season! Tonight's game is brought to you by Buff President Man Beans! I gots to have my Man Beans.
[growls.]
Boo! The national anthem was too short! Sing all the verses! I'm hungry! Hey, hot-dog guy! Hot-dog guy! Hot-dog guy! Hot dog! [man.]
Tonight's first pitch will be thrown by your president, Donald J.
Trump! [crowd booing, organ playing.]
Come on, Donald.
It all comes down to this.
You've been saving your arm for this moment for 71 years.
Everybody shut up! Stars and stripes are about to shoot out his ass! Okay.
Here we go.
On your marks, get set [Ivanka.]
Halt, Daddy! I won't let you throw that pitch! You're not Ivanka Strong! What are you doing here, Ivanka? Daddy's working.
I'm queen of The Resistance now.
No more first pitches until there's a female president! And that female president is me! [crowd booing, jeering.]
Don't waste those beans!! Pour 'em into your hands and jam 'em down my throat! They're booing me.
I'm facing adversity! I hear your voices, and you are heard! You're so brave, honey.
And what kind of veteran would I be if I didn't support you 100%? Baseball's canceled! I'm not longer in it.
Ratings are terrible.
[man on P.
A.
.]
Your beans taste like shit.
[Cooper.]
Security removed a vomiting Sean Hannity after he overindulged on Man Beans.
[groans.]
Then Ivanka Trump announced that she'll be the first female president.
Oh, my God! Why is everyone pressuring me to be president? [Don Jr.
.]
That's bullshit, Ivanka! I'm the oldest, so I should be the next president! And my VP will be my boy Nick.
Dude's twitchy as hell, and he knows all the state capitals.
Can I be president if I have a cinnamon allergy? Ooh, I could make this all come crashing down.
Is anyone going to first ask their wives before running for president? - Boo! - Boo! Bring back Mal Marna or whatever.
You'll all get your turn to be president.
Just promise that you'll pardon the rest of us.
- Sounds good.
- I love you, Daddy! Now I must do what the people elected me to do.
Bully Hillary Clinton on all media platforms? [Don Jr.
.]
Show America that Eric's a dipshit? Dad! Don's making fun of me! Yes to all of that! But, more importantly, watch television until it's another day.
- [woman.]
Predicting a Democratic wave.
- Fake news.
[Cooper.]
Robert Mueller making progress.
- Fake news.
- And reports of the First Lady - apartment shopping - Fake news.
['80s- style pop music plays.]
# Donald Trump is the president # Donald Trump is the president Is Donald Trump the president? Yes, he is Yes, he is, we elected him president Is Donald Trump the president? Yes, he is We had a vote and elected him president Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump He is our president We made him president We did it Donald Trump is the president We elected Donald Trump Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump is the president Yeah Trump!