Our Cartoon President (2017) s01e11 Episode Script

Russia Investigation

1 [President Trump] Wow! Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin one-on-one.
I'm thinking you, me, joint statement saying we're best friends, blah-blah-blah-blah-blah.
Wait.
We haven't even caught up.
I want to hear about you.
Best-friends stuff.
State secrets.
Things have been good.
Lot of TV, lot of locking up babies.
Here's my new Supreme Court Justice.
His name is Brett.
Isn't that weird? "Brett.
" Brett, Brett, Brett, Brett! Brett! Brett! Buh-rett! Oh, okay, this is going to be the longest hour of my life.
What have you been up to, Mr.
Quiet? Oh, you know, just trying to get world leaders to incriminate themselves.
It's harder than I thought.
I got a game! How's about, on "three," we both say our biggest secret? - One, two, three! - I wanted to be a dancer! You're the only person who knows that.
- One, two, three! - I like pudding.
I like chocolate pudding.
I got us matching shirts.
I know it's lame, but it's also kind of funny.
What would you do if someone like Robert Mueller was investigating you? - Obviously have him killed.
- Wow! Well, we're not there yet, but it seems like we're getting there.
Do you really have the pee tape? - Eh, well, you know - You do have it! Oh, my God! This is so embarrassing! Help yourself to all of Ukraine, because I ain't doing nothin'! So, this joint statement says we're friends.
And, yes, there's a little provision about me building a Moscow hotel, but you get to take over Eastern Europe by force.
That is a good offer.
Oh, and every Christmas we spend together.
- Oh, fuck me.
- I wanted the Supreme Court Justice to be the hosts of "The Five.
" You know, sneak 'em in under one big robe.
That is a dumb idea.
Just say it.
"I'll sign the statement.
Give me the statement.
Your father loves you.
" Sign it, sign it, sign it! [groaning] Come to the bathroom with me.
I don't want to waste a second of this meeting! I would rather die than go in the bathroom with you.
Did you know that Germany used to be two countries? - That blew my freakin' mind! - Stop talking!! Well, I don't have my watch, but I think the hour is winding down.
- It's been five minutes.
- Ohh! Holy shit!! [music] [President Trump giggling] [smooch] 1x11 - Russia Investigation [tv news theme] I'm Wolf Blitzer, and I take the fun out of a guy being named "Wolf.
" Donald Trump is addressing the annual NATO Summit in Belgium where his motorcade has already ransacked the Waffle District.
[President Trump] Wow! So great to be here! I don't love NATO.
I feel like we should go to war more.
Wouldn't that be great? Find a place to do it, put a bunch of people in there, serve some hot wings, throw movie memorabilia on the walls.
You know what? I'm thinking of a restaurant.
[music] The BBC doesn't have commercials?! The whole reason I came to Europe is because I heard their Fanta ads show full titty! [BBC anchor] Little progress was made at the NATO summit where all eyes were on the American president's boorish and uncouth behavior.
Did that guy just call you an asshole? Here's what heads of state said about Trump when they thought no one was listening.
[Angela Merkel] Remember when Trump said he couldn't pronounce foreign names and just gave us new ones? He called me "Jennifer Germany.
" [Theresa May] Oy! Trump's a gobby nob.
I was wag-off knackered just eyeing 'em, innit? [Emmanuel Macron] I caught him hosing off his dentures in the bidet! Ugh! Europe's a bunch of snobs.
Don't they know you have a Hollywood Star between Shrek and Antonio Banderas? Eh, it's all right, boys.
I've always been treated like I'm just another classless Queens lowlife.
This rental building caters to the most elite, high-end clientele.
And, yes, that is code for something.
- What? - What's he talking about? Something race-related.
- What? - No blacks.
[applause] [developer #1] And what are you thinking for the interior? That's the second-best part.
Gold toilets.
[developers laughing] I've never heard of anything so cheap, low-class, and gauche! [developers laughing] I told you my son was trash, didn't I? I just thought he'd go more than a minute before saying the word "toilet.
" [developers laughing] [music] Europeans were just as snooty as those Wharton jerks.
Both looked down on me for claiming I had a talking sports car.
Speaking of well-earned judgments, the Senate Judiciary Committee could call you to testify about Russia any day now, and we need a plan.
Don't worry.
I can take them down like a South Jersey building inspector.
Sure, my towers are just reinforced asbestos held up by rat traps, but W-What was I saying? Let me tell you how America works, you slug.
Low-class criminals like mob bosses are held accountable.
But high-class criminals, people who make zillions turning nurses' retirement funds into infinity pools, don't get arrested; they get White House appointments.
That committee knows you're low-class.
I'm sorry.
Would a low-class person have an Arby's black card? Maybe there's a compromise here.
What What if we all bombed Iran? Sir, if you want the Senate Judiciary Committee to view you as a peer, someone worthy of forgiveness, I suggest you clean up your act.
So that's a yes on Iran? I know it's hard, but try not to itch your balls with a salad fork tonight.
Oh, look.
It's Chuck and Nancy.
We're not gonna say a word to those pieces of sh Heyyy! I love these bipartisan charity fundraisers.
I hear this one has something to do with kids.
I was at a charity scam like this where Sofia Coppola pitched me this fascinating period piece.
So I told Sofia, "Put Louise in a stadium scene, here's a check, and we're good.
" I met Sofia at a MOMA event hosted by Michael Bloomberg, who, by the way, is a wonderful man.
You know what's a classy event? The Playboy Mansion's July Humpa Wumpa hosted by Kid Rock.
The place is crawling with tens all runaways.
And the buffet has dong-shaped cinnamon rolls.
Excuse us.
Did you grow up on an East River trash barge?! How do you expect these people to take it easy on you when all they can picture is you chasing tail around some smut king's grotto? [music] How did we lose to that animal? He's sucking creamed corn through a toilet-paper tube.
And who is he talking to? That Barry Diller may be a small guy, but you should see him when his towel falls off.
Oof! There's no one around him.
Chuck, in 2016, we had the right ideas and the wrong message.
We need a new strategy.
One that doesn't require Debra Messing to bring it all home for us.
One that doesn't address income inequality by promising reduced prices for Hamilton tickets.
[President Trump] Boys, I'm starting to wonder if testifying to the Senate is such a good idea.
Don't be scared of the Senate, Dad.
They're just some conceited Ivy League-educated lawyers who hate you and hold your fate in their hands.
Those Senators, they're polished, they're refined.
They didn't get into public life on a jinx dare - from Rudy Giuliani's urologist.
- This is just like yesterday.
There was a gas station on the other side of the freeway.
We could have either stayed on our side - and run out of gas - or jumped the median.
You just need to do what we did and total your Miata in the carpool lane of the Senate Judiciary Committee! And then hitchhike with a pony-tailed guy who rests his hand on your thigh.
You're right! I'm gonna show this town that I've got class, that I belong! - Yeah! - Yeah! All right! Now let's go bribe a traffic-court judge.
[music] [Kelly] Sir, if you're gonna try to hold your own with the Senate Judiciary Committee, you should know who you're dealing with.
- There's Dianne Feinstein.
Stanford.
- And Jewish.
Richard Blumenthal.
- Harvard, then Yale Law.
- Also Jewish.
- Amy Klobuchar.
Yale.
- Looks Jewish.
Cory Booker.
Stanford, Oxford, Yale.
- Also - Zip it, Sessions! That's fine.
I already put the thought in everyone's minds.
So how do I wow 'em with my refinement? Wear an ascot and eyepatch? We recommend Steve Mnuchin take you under his wing and "Pretty Woman" you up a bit.
Fine, but only if I can be verbally abusive.
Ohh, but you got to be verbally abusive last time! [McConnell] I wouldn't normally help you, but the lack of healthy competition in Congress has absolutely killed my sex drive.
We're having trouble convincing our base to vote for us despite offering nothing in return.
How do we get that mojo back for the midterms? We were thinking of making the face of the party a shirtless Adam Rippon with sideburns shaped like hashtags.
Just follow the ABCs A: Accuse Trump of committing treason B: Block his every piece of legislation C: Blame everything on Hillary Clinton.
- But she's on our team.
- Oh, pshaww.
The other day I blamed the humidity on her.
You'll figure it out.
Did you listen to anything I said? Stop eating whatever the hell you're eating.
Chunky brown with a biggie side of gray hunks? Waiter! Get this man "The Mnuchin.
" What's that? Is it a bigger bowl of chunky brown? The meat's not black, and the egg's not brown or smothered in sprinkles.
It's called steak tartare, you Poland Spring bottle full of cab-driver piss.
So you're saying if I eat this pile of raw, bloody meat, I'll be sophisticated? Ohh! I taste too many flavors! - I only like hot or cold! - Get used to it.
I'm giving all your clothes back to the parachute factory and making you read a book that wasn't the inspiration of an incoherent kids show.
[Schumer] Hey, hey, hey.
We got the new attack ads back from McConnell's guy.
I assume they're like our old ones, but now it's a spooky narrator calling for bipartisanship.
[narrator] Little Dumb Donny traitor Trump does whatever Daddy Putin tells him, when he's not having unprotected orgies with porn stars with the shades wide open.
[woman moaning] I can't turn it off! The Democrats are locked and loaded, ready to turn this country into New Reykjavik.
Dads will be moms, and moms will be lawyers.
We're going to level all the churches and replace them with bike lanes.
Universal healthcare? Definitely.
Military? Defunded! Don't vote for a hepatitis host organism.
Vote Democrat! Oh, my God.
Nancy, can we actually release this? - It has exaggerations in it.
- Chuck, we have to.
The Republicans just tried re-sculpting the MLK statue to look like Ben Shapiro! [Mnuchin] Huh! Now you're looking like a guy with a triple-digit IQ.
I don't like it.
The sweater's scratchy.
You know what's gonna be really scratchy? Your cellmate's facial hair on your thighs.
I hate these wingtips.
Where are my Reeboks spray-painted to look like dress shoes? We gotta get you to stop talking like a used-mattress salesman.
Just watch five seasons of "Frasier.
" Then we're gonna get some reps with an actual smart person.
Tonight, I interview President Donald J.
Trump.
I've been preparing for this moment for 78 hours straight.
I am dizzy, I am dehydrated, I am amped.
Let's bring him into the conversation.
[primly] A fine evening, isn't it, Rachel? Have you read the article or book that has everyone aflutter? Did you know about your son's meeting with Russian operatives in Trump Tower? Who's to say what anyone knows, Niles? Not being gods, we must-a then presuppose that even our senses are biased.
[chortles] Before the Trump Tower meeting, did you receive any e-mails or calls describing what it would be about? Isn't it hard to separate the brain from the technological disease that affects us all? Eddie, get off my chair.
Shit, shit, shit! I'm blowing it! If you'll excuse me, Rachel, me and some gadflies and mens-about-town are heading to the Harvard Club to exchange acerbic repartee.
Good night, Seattle.
Okay, this is apparently official! After his masterful interview on Rachel Maddow, Fox News has declared President Donald Trump the classiest gent in the world, with brains to boot! Sometimes, I'd love to lay atop a grand piano while that master tickles the ivories! [giggles] Ya-ya-za-za-za-zoo! You see those people in the back with the cameras? What do we call them? [all] Real news! And what should we do to Crooked Donald? [all chanting] Lock his fridge! Lock his fridge! They're frothing, Chuck! They're really frothing! Wow! I'm glad we cut that 48-minute slideshow of John Kerry quietly waving.
This is our new direction! [Miller] The Senate Judiciary Committee's about to tell the President whether they want him to testify.
If it's a no-go, he's gonna be upset, so everyone get ready to share a nice memory they've had with him or, if you don't have one, reframe a verbally abusive one.
[door opens] [all shushing] Everyone, quiet! [chair creaks] - So? - They want me to testify.
- [all cheering] Wow! - That's wonderful, sir! This is the best news I've heard all day, and I just watched a controlled demolition of a public-school orchestra building! - So are you gonna do it? - I mean, I gotta, right? Definitely! [all agreeing] Of course, you gotta bomb Iran.
Well, I better go get ready for my big testimony.
- Good luck, sir! - You get 'em! - It's gonna be amazing.
- Yeah, great.
- Bye! [door closes] - He's gonna get eaten alive.
We got our base more excited than Joe Biden loitering outside a Lululemon! Let's mobilize them with a catchy slogan.
Four words or less.
Shouldn't be longer than "Make America Great Again.
" Something like "Jobs and Healthcare for All.
" That's five words, but it's fine, I guess.
If you're willing to go to five, I mean, what's one more? It doesn't mention "opportunity.
" Or the earned-income tax credit! [keys clacking] [music] Okay, so, the slogan is "Let's Achieve Access to Jobs and Healthcare and Affordable Rail Service for Disenfranchised Minorities While Protecting Our Environment and Combating Climate Change with the Wealthy Paying Their Fair Share, Plus a Humane Policy Toward Immigrants 2018.
" I don't know where you cut.
[music] Welcome, everyone, to the mock Senate hearing.
The first question the Committee might ask Do you have any investments in Russia? In the post World War II era, every economy is so intertwined that the flapping of a butterfly's wings in Tonga could lead to a market crash in the United States.
- Fantastic! - Wow! - Brava! - All right, sir, here's a taste of what this Senate hearing's really gonna be like.
- Cool.
Very cool.
- Mr.
President, did you pull your bloated head out of your chapped ass long enough to be briefed on the completely idiotic meeting between a Russian lawyer and your grease stain of a son?! You think you can fool the Judiciary Committee into believing you're not a chiseling bum?! It doesn't even matter, Poppy! When they look at me, they'll see one of their own! [laughing] Oh, Donny.
You're from Queens.
You smelled like street-cart souvlaki until you were 12, and you lost your virginity to a construction-site port-o-potty! [cackles] Mr.
Trump, any communications with Russia? Why wouldn't I communicate with Russia?! They believed in me like you never could! Perfect answer, sir.
[crowd cheering, rock music playing] [Schumer] All right.
Let's keep this train going! 2016 was the year of "Make America Great Again," but 2018 is the year of [together] Let's Achieve Access to Jobs and Healthcare and Affordable Rail Service for Disenfranchised Minorities While Protecting Our Environment and Combating Climate Change with the Wealthy Paying Their Fair Share, Plus a Humane Policy Toward Immigrants 2018 Opportunity to Receive Healthcare and Affordable Rail Service No More Food Deserts While Not Demonizing Wall Street! [sparklers sizzling] [man] Gonna be a no for me, dawg! [music] [Kelly] Sir, if you can't hold it together before your bumbling, incompetent cabinet, we do not recommend you testify - in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee.
- They're gonna spank you so hard, you're gonna need an ass massage.
And I know just the guy it's this pimply Polack named D'Ambrio Pakulski.
Guys, it's gonna be fine as long as my dead dad doesn't show up and tell me that I'm trash and the only reason I got into Wharton was because of him.
And that hasn't happened in four minutes.
Well, then, do what you gotta do to make sure that doesn't happen.
This is just like that episode when Frasier and Niles accidentally go to a gay club! - Why is it just like this? - Ah, you know, just life.
[Schumer] That was a mess, Nancy.
I told you that slogan should have been longer.
And we hardly even mentioned "access.
" - "Access," Nancy! - I was the one who said "opportunity" should've been in there twice, at least! This is so "House" of you.
Oh, just because you're in the Senate doesn't make you better than me! I had to campaign all over New York State.
You dragged some bums from the Starbucks on Castro Street to the polling place and called it a day.
"I'm Chuck.
I have to be in Congress for six years because I can't hack it every two.
Mike Pence is my boss!" [music] [President Trump] I hate it.
I meet these people.
They call them "the elite.
" I look at them.
I say, "That's elite?" We got more money, we got more brains, we got better houses, apartments, we got nicer boats, we're smarter than they are, and they say "the elite"! We're the elite! You're the elite! [crowd cheering] Uh-huh.
Yep.
Okay.
Sure.
Thank you very much, Fritz Vanessa.
Uhh, who is Fritz Vanessa? He was the admissions officer when I applied to Wharton.
He said my application was awful, but he was a big "fan" of the building my dad donated.
Don't worry, Dad.
Grandpa just got you in because he loved you and had no faith in your natural abilities.
[music] [Miller] I took a look at your television, and I think I found the problem.
- You threw this hammer through it.
- Oh.
Is that what happened? Sir, I would never question your motives, even if you hacksawed my groin, but may I ask why you did that? Frasier was talking down to me.
That guy thinks he's hot shit.
Sir, it's a television show.
If it's a television show, why is it about a radio show? Sir, I cannot have this argument again! Thank you to Leaders Pelosi and Schumer for joining me tonight.
Sorry for that 45-minute sentence on the Peloponnesian Wars.
It was our pleasure, Rachel.
Democrats are united to win in 2018.
[floor manager] And we're clear! Nice going, Nancy.
You never even mentioned how much we respect moderate Republicans! Chuck, you're an elderly, out-of-touch, coastal elitist! Come on.
You guys are both on the same team.
Ugh! Maddow! Why don't you go tell people the history of the tugboat or something? Alex Jones tells his viewers I'm a skin suit full of hornets, and you're fighting back by reading Wikipedia pages out loud.
Well, I guess we can agree on something Rachel's an idiot.
You know what?! I'm just gonna say it! Your new slogan? It's missing the words "social justice.
" - MSNBC hack! - Screw your - Ass! [music] [sighs] - Hey.
- Oh, hi.
So this is where the Senate is.
I've been meaning to check this place out.
It's nice.
God, Mr.
President, I never thought I'd say this, but I wish I had your brain.
You don't want my brain.
All it thinks about is my dad telling me I'm a low-class loser.
And also how to enrich myself at the expense of the working class, specifically women and people of color.
It's just, the Democrats, we know how to capture people's heads, but lately we've struggled to capture people's vile hearts.
You just know how to divorce voters from reality and set them loose in a fun house of fear and recrimination.
Thanks.
I wish I had your brain.
All those fancy, complicated ideas, like not all Italian guys are named "Vinnie.
" I should tell you, Donald, the Democrats are going to grill you at that hearing.
We're gonna go absolutely bananas on you, expose all your weaknesses, take a sledgehammer to your balls, pull off your fingernails with a steam shovel, jam your knees into a blender, pinch your eyeballs, swap your arms and legs, slap you in the head with your ass, electrocute your tonsils, bite off your eyebrows karate chop your ding-dong, cheese-grate your Adam's apple, swing you around by your penis until you faint, and crap on your feet.
- You sure are a chatterbox, Chuck.
- But you're gonna do just fine because you have something these fancy pants do not you actually connect with average Americans, and especially the below-average.
Chuck, why are you helping me, anyway? The more you draw attention, the less pressure there is on us to figure out what we actually believe in.
It's the strategy Hillary used in 2016, and look at her now her book's a bestseller! [music] Senator Booker, what sort of grandstanding can we expect from you in tomorrow's big hearing? Good question.
I've been working all night on my GIF-friendly outrage.
I'm gonna eat Donald Trump up like a plate of Moroccan flat-bread covered in lentil hummus with a grape-leaf aioli.
Ugh.
You're a vegan.
We get it.
[music] Nancy, I'm sorry about what went down between us.
- Yeah, me too.
- Donald Trump made me realize what we Democrats really stand for not being Donald Trump.
- I got you this hat.
- "I'm sorry.
" - I know it's a little short, but - Chuck! Don't you get it?! "I'm sorry.
" It's the perfect slogan! You're right! Although "I am sorry" might be a little more clear.
Maybe "Hello, I am sorry" so we get their attention before we Shut your goddamn mouth, Chuck.
[music] Banga-banga-banga-banga-banga, banga-banga-banga! Ted Cruuuz!! Calling this Senate Judiciary Committee hearing to order! Chairman Grassley could not be here because someone put something in his food.
Wuh-oh! Of course, now our witness is Pr-e-e-esident Trump.
[spectators booing] Boo you! I don't care! Whatever! Order! Order! [gavel pounding] Mr.
President, we all know why we're here.
To nab some sweet footage for my re-election campaign commercials.
And action! So, this whole Russia thing, it's a bunch of hogwash and a threat to American freedom liberty values, correct-o? Russia's a fake story.
No collusion.
If anyone colluded, it was Hillary.
Come on! [spectators shouting] [gavel pounding] Bang, bang, bang! You're out of order! Have you no decency, sir?! The Scopes monkey is hereby found guilty! Ted Cruz! Okay, I think we got the shot.
Thank you, Senator Cruz.
Mr.
President, are you aware of 18 US Code Chapter 115? I know you're not, because it's not written in graffiti phonetically inside a Greek diner's men's room! - Whoa! - Well, it says that you're a treasonous bum that colluded with a dictator just because he said your $6 cologne smelled nice! [cackling] I told you you're not like these people! You're low-class, not some fancy pants! [echoing] Fancy pants fancy pants [Schumer] You have something these fancy pants do not.
You actually connect with average Americans, and especially the below-average.
[Booker] Mr.
President.
Are you paying attention? Because I'm owning you right now.
You know what? My entire life, you upper-crust people have been trying to tear me down.
And yet, each step of the way, I've outsmarted all of you.
So much so that I'm your boss now.
You're not my boss.
Mike Pence is my boss.
Goddamn right he is.
Bottom line I'm better than you because those people out there get me.
Why? Because like them, I like watching TV, I like locking kids in cages, and I like eating nachos.
Cory, do you even know what nachos are?! I believe a nacho is a a type of sprouted grain nut-bread with flax butter.
Ugh.
Does anyone on this committee know? [music] Nachos are tortilla chips with hot cheese on top.
And black beans and ground beef and pepperoni and bacon.
And bite-sized Snicker bars.
Country Time lemonade powder.
Minute Maid lemonade powder.
You know, you can put anything on nachos! Why? Mr.
President, back to the overwhelming evidence that your campaign colluded with Russia.
Because nachos are America! And that's why we must never give the recipe for nachos to the Mexicans! [music] [claps hands] [spectators cheering] Cory, the people have spoken.
Case dismissed.
Roll the bloopers where no one can get the orangutan into the truck.
According to a CNN snap poll, 95% of the President's supporters say his testimony improved their perception of him while 5% believe someone put peanut butter on his tongue and did the voice from behind a curtain.
I'm now being told we're going live to a Democratic rally.
In 2016, we could have done a better job stopping Donald Trump literally every step of the way.
Instead, we hoisted an authoritarian strongman onto our shoulders and gave him a piggyback to the White House.
It was kind of our one job not to let that happen.
So today, we introduce our new simple, short slogan.
[together] "We're sorry.
" And in 2018, we're going to apologize all the way to a modest Congressional majority and, once we're in power, present a technocratic 59-point plan of incremental tax credits Kids.
We're gonna be just fine.
- Whoo-hoo! - Yes, Daddy! Oh.
Except you, Jared.
You're going to jail.
['80s-style pop music] Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump is the president Is Donald Trump the president? Yes, he is Yes, he is, we elected him president Is Donald Trump the president? Yes, he is We had a vote and elected him president Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump He is our president We made him president We did it Donald Trump is the president We elected Donald Trump Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump is the president Yeah Trump!