Our Cartoon President (2017) s01e12 Episode Script

First Family

1 I just had an incredible, two-hour, private, not-suspicious-at-all meeting with President Putin.
We had a vibrant conversation of me telling him exactly what to say and do.
To cover my keister, all the words I'm about to say can be swapped out later for other words.
"Would" could become "wooden.
" "Collude" could become "colada.
" How am I doing? Am I getting it right? I feel like I'm doing really well.
Yeah, you're doing great.
Just shut up.
Let's get to the ceremonial exchange of hats.
Actually, I think I dreamt that.
Questions? [reporter] In your meeting with Putin, did you confront him about - the meddling accusations? - Yes, and he said he didn't do it, and the only thing stronger than the best intelligence apparatus in the world is a murderous dictator's word.
How was that one? You're doing great.
I believe in you! [reporter] President Putin, do you have any blackmail material - on President Trump? - Um, this guy? Are you kidding me? He's as clean as a Moscow hotel's freshly bleached bedsheets.
[reporter] Mr.
President, does your goodwill toward Putin explain your brash behavior toward our NATO allies? I'm gonna break a little news here - Putin and I are starting our own NATO.
- What? It's gonna be called "Cool NATO.
" It's gonna be me, Putin, - Kim Jong-un, Papa John.
- Nope, nope, wrong.
- Our symbol is an octopus with fangs.
- I didn't tell him to do this.
I don't know what he's doing! [reporter] President Putin, will you extradite the indicted Russian hackers to the United States? Putin has graciously invited Robert Mueller's entire team to Russia.
Muller doesn't have to do the dishes, worry about why his meals are glowing in the dark.
- He's on vacation.
- Oh, look at him.
He's a big boy at the big press conference Doing everything that the Putin wants - Mwah! Mwah! - I got a question where is Hillary Clinton's server?! That thing's been off the grid for months! It's probably sipping cheap rum on some Mexican beach, answering to the name "Dusty.
" Okay.
Here's a gift from the former World Cup host to the 2026 World Cup host.
- Pelé was best man at my wedding! - That is a weird lie.
This is great! Happy birthday, Melania! Whoa! Close one! Nice try.
Out of shoes.
Aah! Third shoe?! Okay.
I feel I had it coming on.
Thanks, everyone.
That went so good.
[applause] I was worried I would come off looking weak at this thing.
[Music] Ahh! Ha-ha! [smooches] 1x12 - First Family [Music] [Maddow] Robert Mueller is investigating President Trump for obstruction of justice and changing the post-World War II order - to build a hotel in Moscow.
- [President Trump] Fake news! [Cooper] Melania Trump has reportedly moved out due to a newfound aversion - to large men screaming at televisions.
- [President Trump] Fake news.
Deliver me Anderson Cooper and Rachel Maddow's beating hearts - and receive 10,000 Fox News Bucks! - I'm trying, Sean! Don't listen to what anyone says about Donald and Melania! Compared to them, JFK and Jackie were two bus-stop winos barfing on each other! We really got something special, right, Melania? Nobody's seen Melania in days.
Anyhoo, what did you dream about, honey? Traveling around the world without Donald, I've never felt so free.
I just wish the plane wasn't being flown by his former caddy.
[captain] This is your captain speaking.
Holy crap.
We are definitely flying a plane.
Plus, the only thing for me back home is the latest report of Donald's infidelity.
Actually, I've got the latest report right here.
Michael Cohen started an $18-million dollar "scholarship fund" for a woman studying elevator handjobs.
You know what? Don't even tell me about these anymore.
I just want to hear the gentle hum of an airplane in flight.
[rumbling ] [captain] Uh, uh, that's normal, right? [cellphone text chime] Holy mother of God.
- What.
Does.
It.
Say? - Uh, uh, what does what say? [sighs] Your phone.
It dinged.
No.
I dinged.
Uh, ding-ding.
I'm Sarah.
- Sarah.
- It's probably nothing, but a Ukrainian stripper threatening to release a sex tape was just named the primary beneficiary of your husband's will.
[groans] [captain] This is just like carrying golf clubs.
This is just like carrying golf clubs.
[Music] [McConnell] A $100-million-dollar donation from a casino mogul is nice, but it's these grassroot $40,000-a-plate fundraisers that will win us the midterms.
Now say hello to the one that got away, - Utah Senate candidate Mitt Romney.
- Hello, Mitt! Great to be here with my beautiful wife, Ann, our four handsome sons, - and our other son, Ben.
- They have an Eric, too! Tagg, speak for the bunch.
After dinner, we're gonna pick up all the rubbish.
Look at those dorks! I bet they've never even electrocuted their nads trying to steal a barbershop pole.
[Mitt Romney] And thank you, Donald Trump.
Haven't seen you since that dinner where you told me I'd definitely be Secretary of State.
I sold my house at a loss, showed up on my first day, and there was Rex Tillerson in my chair.
Hello! You forgot I had Stephen Miller drive your moving truck into the Potomac.
You don't forget the sight of ten dogs floating to the surface.
Wow! So great to be with you all supporting Mitt's consolation prize.
Melania really wanted to be here, but she's at Stanford defending her dissertation.
In her stead, I brought my beautiful boys.
Don keeps trying to trick me into saying "twat"! Dad! Eric won't let me flick his bee sting! - A bee died so I could flick this, Eric.
- This is my bee sting, and I don't want you to touch it! - Why did I hide a beehive in your bedroom if I - Stop it! That isn't [growling] Great fundraiser, though the chocolate fountain - could've had more horsepower.
- Sir, by the end of the fundraiser, Eric's nose had bled all over the CEO of Home Depot.
- And where is Melania? - She just needed a little space, so we decided to sleep in different hemispheres.
[Bolton] You might want to tell her to get out of that side of the planet, I'm about to make Earth into a semicircle.
We only bring this up because Mitt Romney disinvited you from his major rally next week, and other family-values candidates followed suit.
I love family.
That's why I've turned each Mexican family into three little families so we have even more.
Meeting over.
I won.
[Sanders] Are you sure this will work? It's a tactic I learned while storming Tikrit.
Oh, who am I kidding? It's from "The Parent Trap.
" I'm back, Sarah.
Now, where's this pill you mentioned that makes me think I spent the last 15 years - floating in a wave pool? - Kelly, got your text.
Now, where are those doughnut crumbs you saw? [Music] The secret's out that you're heading for divorce, - and it's bad for business.
- You need to project the image of a stable, porn-star-free household.
I don't want to live with him! Every day is a Hell-Chernobyl cocktail.
I don't want to live with her! She won't let Sean Hannity sleep over! We were gonna use an Ouija board to talk to Roger Ailes! That would be fine if not for the threat of the Democrats sweeping the midterms, impeaching you, and potentially putting you, Don Jr.
, and Jared in jail.
Jail's great! Wait.
I'm thinking of St.
Barts.
Sir, this is deadly serious.
Mr.
President, why are you licking the table? You said there'd be doughnut crumbs, and I thought they might be really tiny.
[Music] [Melania] They look so perfect.
That's because they don't make portraits of presidents porking a mob boss's cigarette girl.
A Kennedy had an affair? We gotta tell someone! Everyone knows.
Even Jackie did.
But they held it together even when one of the women did a highly credible media blitz with Michael Avenatti.
[Music] [Music] Make America Snap into a Slim Jim Again! Oh, yeah! We want to be just like the Kennedys, but even more skeptical of desegregation.
We're not asking for perfection.
We just want you to stand on stage and not push each other off it.
[Music] Here's Mitch McConnell's phone number.
He'll know what to do.
Let's become the greatest first couple - in presidential histor - [Melania] Shut up and dial the number! [Music] To help you find your path in the Byzantine labyrinth that is Washington marriages, I will set you up on two fun double dates.
Last double date, he ordered off the kids menu then took a fake phone call from Troy Aikman.
Take this.
It helps me through tough times.
- What the hell is that, Mitch? - Oh, crap.
I I meant to hand you the psalm about bravery.
But keep the photo.
I'm not ashamed of my body.
[Music] Boys, it's no secret that my latest wife and I are going through a bit of a rough marriage.
Don and I are bad boys! And that's why you and Malala split up! He's right.
No one can maintain a relationship when their sons are constantly attempting aquarium arson.
In these situations, kids always blame themselves, and it's never their fault, but in this case, it absolutely is.
I need you boys to shape up.
Make this as easy as possible on Mommy and Daddy.
Eric, I hate to do this, but I think we gotta return those flares and reschedule tonight's trip to the aquarium.
But the blowfish burn brightest when they're ovulating! Oh, you don't think I know that?! [Sobbing] I was the one that taught you when blowfish ovulate, Eric! We do this for Dad! [President Trump] Hillary.
Bill.
Glad you found the place.
They give you any trouble at the door? 'Cause I told them to give you trouble at the door.
It was a little hard to get in with all the subpoenas piled up.
Yeah whenever Mueller knocks, we just pretend we're a bunch of dogs in here.
[pounding on door] [barks] I am the dog! [Bill] Let's get this over with so Hillary can get back to pretending like she still lives here.
The key to a Washington marriage is blindly ignoring each other's flaws.
Me, for example, I look past Hillary's thirst for the blood of a virgin mega-donor.
Aww.
And I look past his criminally poor impulse control.
- I should be in jail.
- That seems pretty good.
Right, honey? And what do I get out of it? You get to suckle at the teat of power for decades and someday you, too, could lose the presidency to a dangerous and demonstrably unqualified candidate.
Time to go shotgun a bottle of Cabernet.
Dad says we're gonna ruin the election if we don't act like good boys.
So what's your secret, Tagg? You can tell me.
Romney boys follow two simple rules finish each day with a bucket of hot milk and always do what Phil Mickelson would do.
Dude, you're gonna have to translate that into genius - so I can understand it.
- Here.
Let's try some role-play.
I'll be the maître d' at a bustling bistro.
[clears throat] Sir, the wait time for a table is 30 minutes.
Give me the fucking table, or get me your manager! - Whoa! Time out! - Hello.
What seems to be the problem? My dad is President, and you can't get me a table.
I'm terribly sorry, sir.
Right this way! Thank you! So, how long have you been - in the food-service industry? - Since we opened! My father, Diablo, was a sous-chef.
[Music] Time to get marriage advice from two people who look like their house is covered in hamster tubes! We hope you choose to follow our example and live like you're the married dolls in a child's imagination.
I wear Velcro pants, and, every once in a while, - a little girl gives me a haircut.
- Don't you get bored with monogamy? What do you brag about when you call into Howard Stern? I brag about how Karen keeps my dinner warm the same way a hen keeps her eggs warm.
So Mike never forgets me, I paste a big picture of my face over every page of his Homeland Security briefings.
Now every time I think of genocide, I think of my beautiful wife.
[Music] If you want to keep Daddy's marriage together, you have to be good boys.
I'm already a good boy, but it didn't happen overnight.
Yeah, it took a lot of manufacturing of her personality, to the point where she's unknowable to herself and her husband.
Right! I find that if you're wearing the right outfit, everything falls into place from there.
Joining me now, Don Jr.
and Eric Trump, who I assume are here to sniff out my greatest fears and exploit them, which is why I have mace.
Thanks for having us in your lovely home.
How do you respond to evidence that your father's campaign actively colluded with the Russians? I, for one, am enthralled by your journalistic acumen.
Our spokesm Excuse me.
spokesperson will get right back to you on that.
I'm sorry.
Why isn't Eric biting down on my forearm? Why isn't Don Jr.
gas-pedaling my crotch? Why would we, humble chimney sweeps dressed as sailors, disrespect a world-class news analyst? Unh! Can you tell us what's going on with your father and Melania? Father and his special friend, Melania, are happier than a sunshine sandwich, Anderson, and it's because we are being such very good boys.
I don't know what the hell you two are up to, but ! - Where did you get those? - I ate all my green beans.
- [sighs] That's it.
- Aah! [Music] It's been so long since we had a nice dinner to bitch about other people behind their backs.
The Pences were crazy.
Did you notice that when Mike left the table, - Karen went to sleep? - The Clintons are just as silly.
Bill gave me that weird Teddy bear with a blinking red light to put on my nightstand.
Melania, I know things have been tough for the entirety of our relationship, but remember what we made together? Ohh, it's our prenuptial agreement! Remember when I said $13 million dollars and you said $15 million dollars [both] And then we both said "14" in unison.
It was perfect.
Sorry.
Muscle memory.
[Music] Time to show America that their mommy and daddy - are truly happy together.
- Just like John and Jackie.
Minus the barbiturates.
[announcer] You're watching Fox News.
And now, "The First Family: a Modern Day Camelot.
" Here's your host, Sean-athan Hannity.
The White House.
It's the executive office of the President of the United States! But to Donald and Melania Trump, it's home.
[Music] So, yeah, this is my office.
Oh, you couldn't get the corner office, huh? [all laugh] [Hannity] We then ventured to the living room.
Yeah, at night, we just veg on the couch, watch HGTV, maybe binge Lou Dobbs' "Moneyline.
" - And, uh, who gets the remote? - He's a bit of a control freak! [Hannity] And then we ventured to the bedroom.
Okay, I gotta ask.
Does he snore? I don't know because I sleep down the hall.
He had sex with a porn star while I was nursing.
Plus, his body is a 300-pound clanking steam radiator.
Now that I'm hearing this, I'm realizing only perverts would share the same bed.
I feel like I just watched our wedding video.
Minus your first dance with the cake.
[indistinct conversations] Great news, Mom and Dad Oh, I mean, uh, Melania and Dad.
Mitt Romney has re-invited you to speak at his rally on Saturday.
He's globalist scum, but, boy, does Utah have a prime ethnic breakdown.
You know, Melania and I are not very political, so we won't tell you who to vote for.
- We just want you to vote.
- I believe that all Americans' voices should be heard.
[applause] I'm gonna keep doing the speech.
- I-Is that okay, honeybear? - Yes.
See you when you're done, pookiehead.
Okay, bye.
All rapists are Mexican! [announcer] Welcome to the Championships at Wimbledon.
Today, the Gentlemen's Singles Finals, sponsored by Sir Humphrey's Doormats.
"Wipe your feet Sir Humphrey's way.
" Who knew that being good boys would get us invites to such prestigious events with such appetizing grass? [judge] Match point.
Quiet, please.
Play.
[ball thumps] [whispering] Holy crap, Eric.
Everyone is so quiet.
[whispering] Don, I see that glint in your eye.
- Don't scream "ass.
" - But it's who I am.
It's in my DNA.
- Ass.
- Don, no.
We're being good boys so that Mom and Dad will stay together until the 2018 midterms, man! - [whispers] Ass Ass - Don, don't say "ass"! [crowd gasps] The match has been rendered invalid.
We now invite everyone to emphatically utter criticisms at the American President's sons.
[British fan] Aww, these tossers is dodgy blokes, eh? Nice going, Eric.
Now no one can hear me scream "ass"! Ass! Ass! Wow, Melania, that was really fun.
- It's just Oh, never mind.
- I just Remember when you chimed in during the rally? You kind of turned it into the Melania Show.
All I said was, "I believe that all Americans' voices should be heard.
" And the only reason I chimed in was because you wanted to pretend the podium was a tractor.
Okay, you're clearly hysterical.
- Forget it.
I'm over it.
- Fine.
I'm also over it.
Over what? I've already forgotten all about "I'm Melania.
This is all about me.
I believe blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
" Let's get some questions, like, "Who thought a campaign called Be Best was a good idea?" "I am Donald Trump, and I am a human trash barge.
" - Shut up! - No, you shut up! - I am not trash barge! - No, you shut up! This is so After that, President Trump ran away with Melania's umbrella in a hailstorm, and Melania dangled the ladder to Marine One just out of the President's reach When we come back, presidential historian Michael Beschloss on the history of First Couples publicly engaging in escalating slights and humiliations.
[Music] [sighs] We're sorry we were such bad boys at Wimbledon, Dad.
Too late.
For a probationary period, you're no longer Trumps.
Sure, Dad, but what name will they call out at the podiatrist's office? Your new last name is "Johnson.
" Eric Johnson, you own a small chain of hair salons in Delaware called "Eric's Hair Repair Haircare by Eric.
" Don Jr.
Johnson, you live in a studio in Coral Gables, and twice a month, you have "wine night" with your landlady, Tanya Navarro.
Now go live your lives.
Don't worry, Eric.
We'll fix this.
Johnsons always find a way! [clicks] Melania, I noticed you've been walking around the house with movers, cursing my name, and tearfully saying goodbye to the staff.
- Is something up? - I'm leaving you.
Oh, so you're doing that trip to Brussels? Just bring me back some chocolate, waffles, whatever you can fit into the fuselage.
No, I'm leaving you forever.
Spending every waking moment together doesn't work.
Our whole thing is that we spend every waking moment apart.
Hold on.
Where is this coming from? I'm serious.
You're just not the same badly dressed racist slumlord - that I fell in love with.
- Really?! So one mistake, and you jump ship? How many empty promises do I have to make to keep you? At least bring me back a toy! [Music] Don't worry I've been through two breakups, and I came out fine.
The first one turned out to be an Apple Care chatbot who friend-zoned me.
The second one, we were madly in love, but I broke it off to come to this drinks thing with you.
God, I can't believe I lost my marriage.
Do you know how unattractive that's gonna make me - to the women I was sleeping with? - What do you say we hop online and find you a nice child-bride? You'll feel better once we co-sign a five-year lease for a one bedroom, half-bath with an outdoor common area where they serve free bagels every Saturday.
That sounds miserable.
What kind of bagels we talking here? Bialys? [Music] You know, I got divorced once, and, sure, now I'm doomed to an eternity of hellfire, but it led me to my Michael.
Donald is a complicated man, Melania.
One moment, he's channeling the Lord's wishes through his Muslim ban the next, he's sharing a bed with the star of "Love Fest" or whatever these porno movies are called.
"Indiana Ass and The Ass Crusade.
" [doorbell rings] - I invited over a friend from work.
- Do you know James Mattis? He's old and has a speech impediment.
I think you'll like him! [President Trump] Me and Melania are on the outs, so I'm going for more of a divorced dad vibe.
Lot of conversations with one leg up on a chair, crotch too close to your face.
[motorbike engine revs, rumbling] Don, why aren't you in Coral Gables? The stewardess said my dirt bike wouldn't fit in the overhead bin, but she didn't even try.
The trick is to put yourself in the overhead bin - and give your motorbike the seat.
- We're having a meeting! - I don't "meet.
" I just "am.
" - I am Ben.
[yells] He's having a little trouble processing what Mommy and Daddy are going through.
- Dr.
Perlsteen says it's just a phase.
- It's not a phase! And tell Dr.
Perlsteen to stop making me draw pictures of my feelings! Why can't you and Mom-lania just get back together? Don't bother.
You've been disinvited from the Mitt Romney rally.
Your separation has made you politically toxic.
Somebody get me a piece of paper and a crayon! Now! - Do I hear wedding bells? - Reminds me of us on our first date, except my other mother isn't here.
Well, usually after work, I go home, sit on an itchy brown couch, and stare into space.
Y-You should come over sometime.
What's your favorite Hungry-Man entrée? - That sounds miserable.
- Well, not if you love sodium.
[sighs] Thank you, Mattis, for showing me what the dating options are for a woman over 40.
I know I live five miles away, but mind if I splice your cable? [news anchor] Mitt Romney holding his largest rally yet while rumors percolate that Donald and Melania Trump will soon announce a divorce.
Will the country fall into disarray without the steady hand or whatever of our First Lady? You owe me big for this.
I think announcing our divorce at the Romney rally will really piss off that Mormon.
- So how have you been? - Really good, actually.
I've already met someone.
Do you know Secretary of Defense James Mattis? Yeah, I know him.
He's in my Cabinet.
I guess you could say I'm his boss.
Just know he gets around.
And how are you? Oh, you know.
Still doing the president thing.
Got my eyes on a few prospects.
Secretary of Transportation Elaine Chao's looking good these days.
She's married to McConnell, but come on.
[Music] Boys, if the Trumps come anywhere near here, neutralize them the Romney way compliment their sweaters until they get bored and walk away.
Compliment their sweaters until they walk away.
Compliment their sweaters until they walk away.
Compliment their sweaters until they walk away.
You're doing great, Ben.
[engine roars] [Music] [captain] Holy crap, I landed the plane.
- So, you ready to do this? - Yes.
God, yes, I am.
Dad, Mo Rocca, don't do it! I was just drawing a picture of my anger, and I realized that, between dealing with my own divorce and starting a motorbike-friendly airline, I need some stability in my life.
And this is no time to alienate your base.
Wow, you guys are being good boys.
You're looking out for your dad.
Eric, stop looking at me.
I'm looking at you.
[Music] You know, Donald Trump may have endorsed me, but his family values are not Romney family values.
Sure, we Romney types have strong urges to fornicate with porn stars, and our whole life feels like a soda bottle shaken up and dropped off a ledge, and, one day, the bottle will go kaboom, and you'll read about some pretty disgusting stuff in the Sunday paper, but we'll deal with that then.
[Music] Hello, Mr.
President.
[gasps] Nice sweater.
- I'm not wearing a sweater.
- Darn it! Take a hike, Mitt.
Melania and I have an announcement.
Sorry, this stage is for respectable American families only.
[Music] What in the name of Sandra Oh is that?! Boys, avert your eyes! So, we came here tonight to announce that we're Splitsville but that's not going to happen.
The American people elected a husband and wife who are happiest when not spending time together, just like you.
How many of you drive home from work, then spend 45 minutes idling halfway down the block to avoid going inside? We all have shitty marriages.
[gasps] Just like Jackie O! So, like her, I will make it work for our nation.
Melania, what do you say? Will you remain married to me on paper only? [cheering] Sure, whatever! [cheers and applause] - She's in love, people! - I didn't say that, no, no, no! [Hannity] The Obamas.
They shared the same bed.
- We can't - Got another rally tomorrow.
Now that we're not separating, everybody and their conservative - mother is on my jock.
- That's fine.
I have a facial booked at 3 p.
m.
in Seoul, South Korea.
All right, I'm off to my bedroom down the hall.
- Good night, sweetie.
- Good night, Donald.
[door closes] [pounding on door] Melania! What channel is Fox News? - Twenty-three.
Now shut up! - Melania, I'm thirsty! - Can you get me some water? - I'm sleeping! Melania, where do we go when we die? I don't care! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! ['80s-music] Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump is the president Is Donald Trump the president? Yes, he is Yes, he is, we elected him president Is Donald Trump the president? Yes, he is We had a vote and elected him president Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump He is our president We made him president We did it Donald Trump is the president We elected Donald Trump Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump is the president Yeah Trump!