Our Cartoon President (2017) s01e13 Episode Script

Loyalty Oath

1 [President Trump] Aah! Oh, my Lord! [cellphone dialing, ringing] Please pick up.
Please pick up.
Please pick up.
[phone rings] Oh, looky, it's Trump.
I could have sworn I said not to give him my number! - Hey.
- You watching Shark Week? I told you we have different TV here.
I'll catch you up.
We need to kill all the sharks.
I'm thinking march your armies into the ocean, scare the sharks onto land, then fight them here! How long have you thought about this? How many days are in a Shark Week? Aaah! The shark's going freakin' nuts on this whale! Can we move this along? I got the midterm election - to doodly-woodly with.
- I heard the craziest rumor that you decided not to come to Washington in September.
Yeah, I just don't think we should be seen together.
Maddow is like two sips of coffee away from cracking this whole collusion thing.
You didn't plan anything, did you? No.
No, no, no.
Not really [Russian music] Did you hear Ivanka Trump went out of business? I don't know what we're gonna call my daughter now Little Stacey or something.
Oh, by the way, you don't need - a wrap dress, do you? - Why would I need that? If you change your mind, I got a few lying around.
Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! You're back to screaming way too loud.
Is it another shark? Even scarier Cuomo's running another Michael Cohen tape! Gimme a Coke, please.
Hey, I got two hours free.
Let's list my crimes in alphabetical order.
Ooh, doggy! I'm driving down Treason Street with my muffler spraying sparks and Mueller in hot pursuit! [cellphone beeps] Ooh! Hold on.
Hannity's calling.
- I'll patch him in.
- Oh, guys, I really have to go.
- Sean's on.
- God damn it! Son of a bitch! Putin, you watching Shark Week? You got it over there? - You got sharks? - Oh, Shark Week? No.
What's that? I guess I don't have it.
You know, before Trump, there was no Shark Week.
It was just Elizabeth Warren claiming her great-great-great-great grandmother was an orca.
- Just gonna lie down on the floor.
- Say, uh, Trumpy, you know if Cohen has any tapes on innocent little baby Sean? Hmm.
Depends.
Did you talk to him out loud? Crap! Okay, at least, if this all goes to hell, - Putin will put us up in Russia.
- Nope! That'll be great.
Fuzzy hats, small, loud car, me and some teens doing backflips on power lines.
- Okay, I got to go.
- No, you hang up first.
[chuckling] Okay.
[dial tone] [title music] [President Trump] Everyone watching this is hereby pardoned.
1x13 - Loyalty Oath [President Trump] Ah, there we are.
That's me and my Cabinet.
We're thick as thieves, but it wasn't always this way.
[music] Summer vacation! No parents, no responsibilities, no returning migrant children to their parents.
I finally have time to watch all the cable news channels.
Tonight, I drive at a point about Russian banks for 45 minutes only to swerve at the last second, dive out of my car, and watch it go careening into a gorge.
But first, today, the Interim Deputy Director of Communications, who is Betsy DeVos' chatty manicurist, abruptly quit.
I'm not worried.
She'll keep her mouth shut.
- And according to her new book - Wow.
That was quick.
Trump recently left a voicemail for Stormy Daniels saying, quote, "I still think about you, Stormy.
Come work for me at the White House.
It's just like 'The Apprentice.
' Every Sunday, someone gets fired, and several people are taking a break from touring with a hair metal band to be here.
" These staff departures, these leaks, indicate that President Trump has a disloyal team just as Special Counsel Robert Mueller searches for defectors.
[music] [blows] Melania! [sighs] What can't wait for two weeks when I see you next? There's this new guy hanging around Bobby Mueller.
He's, like, totally obsessed with me.
He's trying to steal all my friends, and it's like, "Dude, they only like you because you can keep them from dying in prison.
" Hmm.
I don't want to die in prison.
Oh, now you're into him, too? Melania, here's a reality check he drives a Mercury.
And did you know he's 73? I mean, why's this old guy still hanging around with us? Talk about a creep-o-holic.
- Melania? - [yells] Shut up and go to bed! [rock music blaring on stereo] - Dad, are you okay in there? - Don't come in my room! - Are you doing drugs in there, young man? - Talk to us, Dad.
We can't help you if you don't talk to us.
[music stops] What's eatin' atcha? - Did you just find out about Paul Walker? - It's Robert Mueller.
I just know he's gonna steal my friends.
Dad, if you wanna whip your squad into shape, just snap a towel on your scrote, and/or taint, - in the White House locker room.
- Just be nice to them, Dad.
I had three friends in high school the Tucker twins, awesome, and the nurse's assistant Blanche Henderman and it's all because I let them pet the frogs in my locker.
Those are both great strategies, but I vowed to never give Don positive reinforcement, - so we're going with Eric's.
- Wait'll I tell Blanche! So, team, the leaks are kind of a bummer.
What if, any time you want to share a secret, you just whisper it into a pillow? Like this [muffled] I hate my stupid Cabinet! Why can't they all be like Mike Pence as loyal and dumb as a basset hound? [cellphone buzzes] Washington Post push notification "Trump Confronts Staff about Leaks.
" Okay, we just talked about this! [buzzes again] "Trump Marvels at the Speed of Leaks.
" All right, everyone show me your hands.
"Breaking: Trump Has Never Heard of Texting with Your Toes.
" I see what's going on here.
I've got a six-pack and pecs you could bounce a coin off! "Trump Unaware of Bulbous Breasts.
" [muffled] Damn it! [music] Oh, get this, Karen J.
This weekend, my Michael is taking me to Old Sturbridge Village.
Karen, I need your ear.
I gotta go, but it's this whole town that still looks - like the 19th century - Karen! We only pay for 12 minutes a month! - They have candle making.
Bye.
- As a reward for my loyalty, the President has invited me to Mar-a-Lago in Palm Beach, Florida! Sweet cherries in summer! But, Michael, do you really want to socialize with someone who fornicates with Playboy models and has still failed to bring the end of days? But I'm finally part of the cool inner circle.
You forget that just two years ago, I was another Podunk governor enabling another statewide AIDS epidemic.
Okay, Michael.
I'll start packing.
It's not really your scene, Karen.
There's going to be drinks with umbrellas.
Plus, people will be sleeping over and probably stealing each other's underpants.
[music] Why do you want us to steal Jared's fingerprints? We're going down, boys.
Time to pin this all on him and take the red eye to Moscow.
Dad, I want to tell you the tale of another embattled president with striking good looks Richard Nixon.
He was accused of criminal activity, and everyone thought his goose was cooked.
So, he got rid of his disloyal staffers, rallied his squad, and became one of the greatest presidents in history, living well into the mid-'90s, which means, before he died, he got to see Backdraft.
Don, what are you talking about? He resigned in shame and was mostly likely too infirm - to see Backdraft in theaters.
- Oh.
Well swap out Nixon for Bill Clinton.
[President Trump] Don was right being the coolest, fastest guy in school wouldn't be enough.
I had to show my friends I could turn them into royalty and, if that didn't work, threaten to tell everyone their mothers worked in the cafeteria and gave birth to them into a hairnet.
I heard Mueller's got a tattoo.
I heard he's got a gun and has seen a boob.
- Awooga.
- A boob? - Okay! - So cool.
Hey, what are you guys talking about? Oh, you know just Robert Mueller.
Never heard of him.
Anyways, we promised ourselves we'd make this the best summer ever, and we can't let Special Counsel Robert S.
Mueller III get in our way, so please sign your new non-disclosure agreements.
Signing something without reading it is the American way.
Hey, what's this paragraph on destroying all evidence of our existence at the end of each day? Oh, that's just standard lawyer stuff.
Why does it have a "Do Not Resuscitate" order? Are you a lawyer? Because you're acting - like you think you're a lawyer.
- Mr.
President, look! I already signed every page in three different types of fluid.
Thanks, now how about the people I respect? - Fine.
Stephen, get forging.
- Of course, sir.
Just give me a few minutes to replenish my fluids.
[grunts] [Pence] Thanks for coming, Steven.
I wasn't sure about Jewish dietary restrictions, so I had the kid from Shakey's take the pizza apart and put each ingredient in a separate bag.
Anything for the man who officiated my wedding and gave that satanic pact a wholesome veneer.
Not to puff you my own spinnaker, but President Trump has invited me for dinner at Mar-a-Lago.
- Eck.
- I know, it is quite an honor, but I don't know how to handle myself around these cooked-corn-eating types.
Every sweaty trip down there is the same Trump rambles about someone who's been dead for 30 years, then a marina owner with chest hair dandruff - leans over your table to take a selfie.
- Men with chest hair? My goodness, I didn't know there'd be Italians there.
All right, I gotta go print a sheet of money for Louise.
She's eff'd in the head, but I love her.
Oh, by the way, I pissed in your vase.
[music] Because some of you refuse to sign a non-disclosure agreement, your punishment is you have to stand by that fence for the next three days.
I saw Robert Mueller smoking a cigarette by that fence.
- Unfiltered! - Ooh! - Wow! Then your punishment is to stay away from the fence.
Good, we didn't want to stand near the fence anyway.
- Back on the fence! - Yes, it worked! - We get to hang by the fence! - Look, you can stand near the fence if you promise not to leak anything.
[all] Promise! It'd be awesome if Mueller was here.
Anyone got his number? He's probably busy bench pressing in his basement.
- Oh, wow.
- Yeah, baby! Bench pressing is really good for your body.
Three white people on a couch It's Fox & Friends And that's how you get gum out of your cat's whiskers.
Thank you very much, Second Lady Karen Pence.
Before we go, a very happy 135th birthday - to Benito Mussolini.
- Ooh, I wonder what he wished for.
- Probably not be strung up by his feet! - [woman] And we're clear.
Guys, I need some straight talk.
Michael got invited to Mar-a-Lago.
- Mar-a-Lago! - Ooh, boy! - The bread there is free! - I'm a little worried that the trip is going to change him.
He's gotta change if he wants to hang with the in-crowd.
That's right.
I swapped out my teeth for piano keys and have slept in a tanning bead since age 18.
And sure, I'm covered in blisters the size of personal pizzas, but now I'm camera-ready! [gasps] I did see him perusing the teeth on teeth.
com, and we only get seven minutes of Internet a month! [music] Hey, do you guys mind if I hang out at the fence? I-I-I stole a cool spy thing from the State Department.
We don't really play - with toys here, m'kay? - Right.
Me, neither.
I just wanted to show you how lame it is.
- Is that Mueller? - Whoa! - Quality vehicle.
- Honk honk! What is that a 2013 blue car? I have like 30 2013 blue cars.
[soft rock plays loudly on radio] He just does not give an eff.
- Maybe he wants to hang out.
- Oh, yeah! - You think so? - How about instead we all head to Mar-a-Lago for the weekend? - Oh, no.
- No, no, no.
All expenses paid by the taxpayers! - Mm, mnh-mnh.
- I gotta stay here.
We'll take the money from the Child Health Insurance Program.
[Mnuchin] Suck it, poor kids! [tv news music] - Hannity! - President Trump has flown his Cabinet to the Southern White House for some bellinis, bonding, and big-dogging.
Donald, in case you want me there, I've booked myself on every flight from New York to Palm Beach for the next three months.
I got all your beach essentials tinny speaker, three types of paddle game, and a pair of chunky flip flops to throw at loud, Hispanic teens.
[music] Whoa.
First, Mike, let me just say, you look dynamite.
Like a Norman Rockwell painting come to life and won a shopping spree at a hotel lobby clothing store.
- What the hell did you do to your face? - It cost a pretty penny.
I had to chancel the Pence family trip to Old Sturbridge Village.
To make some cash, I'm moonlighting as a night - watchman at a Jet Ski warehouse.
- Wow.
Whatever you did, and you might have just told me but I wasn't listening, it looks good on you.
I'll tell you what you've earned yourself one celebrity phone call.
I've always wanted to chat with Neil Sedaka.
Evander Holyfield coming up! [ringing] It's really ringing.
[ringing continues] [chuckles] Classic Evander.
[Holyfield] You've reached Evander Holy - Still pretty neat.
- Right? So, listen, Mike, I'm gonna need you to do me a solid.
Oh, this isn't anything that's gonna get me in trouble, is it? You know what, I'll just ask Scott Pruitt to do it.
He poisoned a city's water supply in exchange - for an iTunes gift card.
- Wait! I-I'd be honored, Mr.
President.
[music] I have a confession that the American people deserve to hear.
It wasn't Donald who made love to Mrs.
Stormy Daniels and paid for her silence.
- It was me.
- [gasps] Mike Pence? Christmas crackers! I'm sorry for the pain I caused and thank my wife, Karen, - for sticking by my side.
- Get to the juicy stuff! Of course.
I could sense that Stormy was interested in me, so I put my crucifix in a drawer and downed a-a glass of milk off the room service cart.
[Trump chuckling] Ooh, this is getting good! I then asked her if I could place my hand - on her upper shoulder.
- Stop holding back, Mikey! Okay, um I [bleep] then [bleep] her, then she [bleep] my [bleep] [bleep].
[music] Where did you even learn to say those heinous words? I overheard Steve Mnuchin calling his wife.
You know I didn't do any of that stuff.
I just have to do right by the boss.
But what kind of boss makes you say those things? Pace yourself, Karen.
Tomorrow, he's having me ram our car into Hillary Clinton's yoga class.
[President Trump] Sure, Mike was in hot water, but at least my summer was on track or so I thought.
Mike, that was amazing.
I thought you were gonna die up there.
I mean, your heart stopped for two minutes.
It was my pleasure, Mr.
President.
Okay, okay, what's going on, everyone? Are you guys jealous you didn't get to take the fall? What you made Mike do was messed up.
Robert Mueller would never do that to us.
Okay, whoa-ho.
Back up.
Mueller's lame.
He's been married to the same wife for, like, 50 years.
He's so dumb, he couldn't get out of fighting in Vietnam.
And get this instead of going to work for his dad, he totally studied hard - at University of Virginia Law School.
- Yeah, he's great.
I don't want to hear the word "Mueller" ever again.
- Got it? - Mueller.
- I heard that, Mattis! - What? I just said "mole hair," as in "Donald Trump has hairy moles.
" [laughter] - Ohh, shit.
- He played ya on that! [voice breaking] Take it back! You guys are never coming to my parties again! [pounding on door] [Melania] Shut up in there! Please forgive me for what I must do.
Karen J.
, it's Karen P.
Does Karen W.
's estranged gay son still work at the Post? [whispers] I need you to get him a message.
"President Trump bribed Vice President Michael Pence with a trip to Mar-a-Lago in exchange for his tearful confession.
" Oh, no way, José! Who would leak such a thing? Karen, I see Karen J.
, Karen W.
, and Karen L.
's fingerprints all over this.
Okay, I did it! Karens J.
, W.
, and L.
helped.
But go easy on Karen L.
she's still reeling from Roseanne.
You're gonna get me in big trouble, Missy.
Donald was right about you.
- You're a bit of a w-w-w-w - A bit of a what? - Just say it, Michael! - A wet blanket! [gasps] I'm gonna get fired, Karen.
You want to move back to Indiana? I gave everybody AIDS! [Sessions] Did you guys know - I gave testimony to Mueller? - What?! - Oh, my goodness, how was it? - It was all right, I guess Oh, who am I kidding? It was great! Not as great as I'd built up in my head, you know, - but still what a ride.
- [President Trump] Wow.
I guess our trip to Mar-a-Lago meant nothing to you people.
I had a terrible time there.
I saw a flamingo choke on a cigar.
I saw a 90-year-old man have an orgasm.
Look, if you want to hang with Bob Mueller, one phone call and I can replace any one of you with Henry Kissinger.
[ringing] [ringing continues] Wow.
Most powerful guy in the world.
[ringing continues] [Holyfield] You've reached Evander No one say a word.
[music] According to three dozen ladies named "Karen" and several "Dotties," White House Cabinet members are considering giving testimony to Robert Mueller, who's also investigating a bribe to Mike Pence.
Wait, Dad.
Are you going to jail? That's so cool! If you go to jail, is Mike Pence my new dad? Don't worry, boys.
There's someone I can call who will know just what to do.
[ringing] - Hey, Putin.
- [Putin] Hey! Hold on.
This will, uh, just be a second.
Hey, there's my guy! How's president going? - What year are you? - Second year.
Wow.
Sophomore.
How old are you now 63, 64? - Putin, I'm 72.
- Wow.
You're growing so fast.
I'm gonna blink, and you'll be dead.
Hey, uh, things are not working out over here.
Uh, do you think my family and I could come stay with you? You still there? Yeah, you know, I'd love that, kiddo, but, uh, Putin's got a lot going on right now with this whole Russia thing.
But, uh, you know, look at the moon and know that I'm looking at the same one.
- Really? - No, it's daytime here.
But, uh, the sentiment.
Okay, byyye.
[music] [narrator] Old Sturbridge Village is New England's largest outdoor living history museum.
It's a beloved travel destination for lovebirds who like candle making.
And every Thursday, it's free admission for anyone named "Karen.
" Michael, I'm sorry for what I did.
I wish God wanted me to apologize, too, but Romans 13 says, "The authorities that exist are appointed by the Lord.
" God made Donald Trump president and to not take credit for plowing an adult film star is an affront to our Lord.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to study for the Shenandoah Valley Jet Ski - Salesperson Certification Test.
- Okay! Well good luck! [President Trump] My summer dream job at the White House was turning into a summer nightmare.
Little did I know, a certain special someone was about to wake me up.
Oh, and then Sanders would say, "Here's the update of all the good news of the presidency.
" And then Kelly's like, "You gotta do this.
" And then Carson's like, "I don't know what's going on.
" Hello, M-Mr.
President? Where are all your little buddies? - They're all drooling over Robert Mueller.
- Oh, Karens L.
through X.
and 2/3 of the Dotties aren't talking to me, either.
I'm sorry for leaking that story to the press.
I forgot about what's really most important keeping TV's Donald Trump in the White House.
You know, when I took this President job, I was the new kid in town.
I talked funny, my suits were too big, I started lashing out, demanding loyalty, and shredding the very fabric of our democracy.
I'll just say it I was acting like a bit of a nut.
Loyalty is tricky.
That's why Michael and I have an open relationship.
- What? - Whenever Michael talks to me, I open my ears.
Maybe if you listened a little more, your Cabinet wouldn't feel the need to leak to the press.
Mike is a lucky man.
Karen Pence, you are one doofy broad.
Here's some money for this conversation.
Oh, the kid at Shakey's is gonna get a big tip.
Rosenstein gave me Mueller's number.
Should I text him? - Oh, yeah! - Do it! Do it! Wait why don't we hang out? - Lose my number.
- Ugh.
- Ugh, come on.
- You're embarrassing us.
Ever since our first day together, I was so insecure that you all would leave me that I demanded loyalty.
But you don't get loyalty by making people sign the most comprehensive non-disclosure agreement ever drafted.
You get it by listening, something I need to get better at.
A doofy broad taught me that.
[music] So, on that note, I'm having all of you bugged.
There's not a word you will say that I won't hear.
- Oh - We should give him Hmm.
- Can we go to Mar-a-Lago again? - I thought you guys hated it.
We just said that because we were mad.
All right, you can go.
Just don't talk to Mueller.
[music] [Trump reading] "Dear Mr.
Mueller, we accept the fact that you want to indict us for whatever it is we did wrong, but we think you're crazy for making us testify about who we think we are.
You see us as you want to see us, in the simplest terms, but what we found out is that each one of us is" - [Carson] "A brain" - [Mattis] "And an athlete" - [Sessions] "And a basket case" - [Sanders] "A princess" [President Trump] "And a criminal.
Does that answer your question? Sincerely yours, The Breakfast Club.
[grunts] P.
S.
I named the club after one of my top five favorite meals.
" Karen, I'm sorry I called you a wet blanket.
You're a warm, dry blanket that I'd throw over a harlot - in a tank top any day.
- I'm sorry I sinned against God by opposing Donald Trump.
[chuckling] What was I thinking? I just wish we had the scratch to go to Old Sturbridge Village.
Karen Sue Pence, where did you get that? The President thought I was a whore.
Let's drive to a gas station, buy a Zippo lighter, and melt these fake teeth out of my head.
We are so glad to have you back.
Mueller only wanted to question us about obstruction and collusion, and it's like, "Dude, don't you have anything else going on in your life?" What a loser.
If he tells me to go to jail, I'm just gonna be like, "No.
" - Whoo! Yeah, you tell 'em! - Yeah! Are you really gonna do that? 'Cause a lot of people are afraid you're gonna do that.
Hey, anybody thinking what I'm thinking? Race you to the fence! [music] [President Trump] I learned a lot that summer about friendship, bribery, and how hard it is to run to a fence.
But most of all, I learned that, when it comes down to it, all you really need is to blame the Mexicans and the blacks and the Muslims and the Robert Mueller, don't you dare indict me [music] I haven't done anything What's with the third degree? Robert Mueller, won't you leave me alone? You arraigned my lawyers, interred my bones Oh, Robert Mueller Don't indict me [music continues] Robert Mueller Don't indict me Ooh, Oh-whoa Robert Mueller - # Don't indict me # - # La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la # Oh-whoa, Robert Mueller - # Don't indict me # - # La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la # Oh-whoa Robert Mueller Don't indict me Oh-whoa Robert Mueller Don't indict me La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Oh-whoa Robert Mueller Don't indict me Oh no Whoa, whoa, whoa, Robert Mueller Don't indict me Don't indict me Don't indict me.
Hey