Our Cartoon President (2017) s01e14 Episode Script

The Senior Vote

1 [tv news music] I'm Anderson Cooper, and unlike Chris Cuomo, my daddy didn't get me this job my mommy did.
President Trump's attorney Rudy Giuliani, who has somehow not been Me Too'd yet, has been appearing on cable news to defend the President against accusations of Russian collusion and, in the process, thrown up all over himself.
Joining me now, a fish trying to swim on pavement.
The President did not collude, and even if he did, it's not a crime, and even if it is a crime, some older kids made him do it.
And the fish is already gasping for air on a sizzling sidewalk.
You see, Wolf, in the Federal Code, there are only two crimes - there's murder and speeding.
- What about robbery? Well, you're speeding away with someone's stuff.
- Makes no sense, and I love it.
- The real crime was the hacking.
It's another form of speeding.
It's computer speeding! But Trump couldn't do that because he doesn't drive.
He tries to move the pedals side to side, like he's straightening a tie.
He swears we're moving, but we're not moving! I'm now being told Rudy Giuliani would like to issue a correction? That's right I stand by every word I said, - just not in that order.
- It's America's Mayor, folks.
Now I'm gonna start moving my mouth, and we'll find out together what I'm gonna say.
Trump was not at the three planning meetings before the Trump Tower meeting oh, whoops! - Wait.
- There it is.
We only knew about one planning meeting.
There were three? Let's compromise and say there were five.
What's going on with your eyes? Uh, I-I can't blink them, but there's an app for that.
Ahh.
Another thing I will say because I've already thought it and can't stop is Mueller has a conflict of interest because he worked with the FBI, so he's biased against criminals.
You're on fire tonight, Rudy.
What's your secret or mood disorder? These arguments are like free jazz to me.
I let the words take me where they want to go and go and go and go and go and [scatting] Hillary colluded.
[scatting] Blanket pardon.
[scatting] Deep-state boogie.
[scatting] Collusion's not a crime [music] [gulping] Ahhh.
[hiccups] 1x14 - The Senior Vote [tv news music] I'm Wolf Blitzer.
I look like the tray of fuzzy ice you find when cleaning out your dead dad's freezer.
New polls show youth support for the GOP is at record lows.
We go now live to President Trump, who's just finished recapping season two of "Knight Rider.
" Wow, look at all these hot, young pieces of ass.
The Democrats waste all their time talking about the future, but what's so wrong with the past? Back then, the men were men, and the women were Sigourney Weaver.
And to get into college, you only needed eight bucks and a solved Rubik's Cube.
So, it's time to Make America Great Ag [man thuds] [crowd gasps] Upp! Looks like someone up front has vacated their seat forevermore.
Come on up! Just nudge that corpse out of the way.
[thud, crowd gasps] Holy moly! Another one! It's okay to skip the "Lock her up" chants if you're a stroke risk.
Hey, have you guys noticed all the young people at my rallies are old people? We have, and we're starting to think that they're instinctually coming to your rallies to quietly die in the same way elephants wander off into the woods.
Why can't we get some normal-aged people in the prime of their lives, like me? - The young are fools, sir - Gangnam Style.
and that is why I'm blessed to have the ornery countenance and varicose-veined thighs of a much older man.
Young people don't support you.
If you want Republicans to win majorities in November, you need to energize your core political base people who remember when sanitary pads were the size of yoga mats.
We recommend speaking at the Iowa State Fair.
It's ground zero for old people nostalgically eating foods that will ultimately kill them.
Will I have to walk up any stairs? - There might be three or four - I'm out.
[President Trump] Melania! Melania! [feedback squeaks] Melania Trump, please report to my bedroom.
What?! I am trying to sleep my life away.
Everyone says that I'm like this bullhorn I make a lot of noise, and one day, I'll run out of batteries.
But what if everyone's wrong? You're going to die.
Why else would I have married you? Nuh-uh.
With my limitless energy, me and this bullhorn could last forever.
[bullhorn squealing, screeches] If that bullhorn was you, I'd be looting its safe-deposit box right now.
The swan song of the bullhorn is a beautiful thing to behold.
[music] To energize your elderly base, we will visit with Korean War veterans, then make our way to the mobility-scooter dealership, and finally have a quick photo op - in a rheumatologist waiting room.
- What about campaigning somewhere hip and young for a change? Maybe I go on "In Living Color" and dance with "the Fly Girls?" You just don't connect with voters who weren't old enough to get drunk the night Nixon resigned.
[Don Jr.
] You're the tits, Dad, according to young people like me and Stephen Miller.
- I have no age! - You should go talk to college kids.
I'll be your hype man.
I'll pump you up with some LMFAO, and then we can go do whippits in the stacks.
I don't like saying this in front of him, but Don's right.
- Also, Don, you're wrong! - I know.
I know.
Sir, I have to advise against this.
College crowds are picky about who speaks on campus.
Berkeley shouted down Rachael Ray's appearance because they considered her meatball recipe "heteronormative.
" I'm the President of the United States.
I'm pretty sure I'll be welcomed with open Armed riot police stormed the campus of liberal Maidenbridge College ahead of Trump's appearance, with the majority of campus buildings already spectacularly burned to the ground.
Kudos to the heroic firefighters for taking just long enough to guarantee the campus is impossible to rebuild.
That's heroism! They were not buying what I was selling.
We continue now with shocking new reports of the Maidenbridge College fire.
Despite the whole out-of-control-inferno thing, that visit was really special, Dad.
I had a delicious meal in their dining hall Eyewitnesses say an inebriated Donald Trump Jr.
scalded his hand stealing wedge fries from a dining-hall fryolator and even checked out their track-and-field program.
and had a javelin wrestled from his hands by five campus police officers.
Did you have a cold or something, Don? It used to take eight to ten campus cops - to thwart your javelin heists.
- Jesus, Don, you're 40 years old and a father of five, but you don't own a single pair of boots you haven't thrown up in.
Listen, the midterms are around the corner and I know.
You need a catchy slogan, and you want help from my boys, Noam and Chadwicke, from On The Grind Advertising.
No.
I need you to be more like Paul Ryan.
He's around your age and just as stupid, but everyone thinks he's smart because he combs his hair and lifts weights with his knees.
I told you my lumbar vertebrae looks like a melting stack of ice cream scoops because my bed's lumpy.
[music] So, it's a cute idea, right, Mike? We all want rodeo kids to vote, if only because they lack empathy and would therefore vote our way, but let me ask this - Who else smells like an old barn? - Eric.
Eric and old people.
Since the founding, old people have protected this nation from the ills of progress.
They protected our schools from integration.
They protected our Vietnam soldiers from going home to their families.
Those are your people, the kind of people who love the Iowa State Fair.
Don't you mean the Iowa Stairs Fair? Again, there are three stairs, tops - Aah! - and it's important you climb them onto that stage to inspire elderly folks - to vote for us in November.
- You're right, Mike.
I'm going to mobilize so many old people that those voting booths will never get rid of the smell! [echoing] The smell the smell the smell [President Trump] All right, fossils, it's time for me to win over old people, and I know the best way to do that is to listen to your inspiring,¨ folksy stories.
My folksy stories were reluctantly defended by the ACLU.
So, lay one on me.
You have my undivided attention.
Well, when I got home from the Persian Gulf War Oh, my God, where is this going? I took a train up the Pacific Coast, and on the ride, I sat next to the most wonderful lady.
- What does this have to do with me?! - I got her name Linda.
God, she was beautiful, hair the color of midnight, - and I've always regretted - Get to the point, you cedar - chest full of moldy bedsheets! - not getting her last name because every time I close my eyes, I imagine us married with three beautiful children.
James, you're like the saddest room at the YMCA.
[music] You're probably wondering why I invited you to my chill-out glade.
It is time I grew up and matured because my dad's really mad at me, so I'll just watch you guys and hopefully pick up some responsible, middle-aged-man habits.
The key to being middle-aged is recounting the details of your day with your fellow man.
It makes others bear witness to the vague, formless cloud that is the middle-aged man's life.
Like the other day, I left my work gloves at Pittsburgh Paints, so I head over to Lowe's and buy myself a new pair.
I go home, and it turns out I didn't leave the gloves at the paint store because there's Janna using them to prune.
[chuckling] Wow.
Your wife had them the whole time? I like Pittsburgh Paints, but I never find a parking spot because they share a lot with that donut shop.
What I like to do is park across the street at the Burger King.
- And they don't say anything? - No.
I usually just give them a head's up, and they're fine with it.
[groaning] You see how this works, Don? Wanna jump in? Uhh so, my pledge brother at Penn had these gloves.
- Oh, yeah? - Oh, yeah? So, as a good-natured prank, I went to a farm, hopped over a fence, and had a bull inseminate the gloves.
[chuckles] Wh-What sort of fence we talking here? [music] Mr.
President, we've put together a new commercial that's airing tonight.
It's gonna draw in the demographic we need.
[announcer] Refugees they're coming to destroy our way of life.
Get ready for drugs in our schools, sex in our churches, and livestock in our movie theaters.
This is the same scary crap we ran in 2016.
Wait for it, big boy.
Soon it will all be gone your slippers, your photo frames, the nice lady who comes to the home on Thursdays at noon to do crossword puzzles out loud, even your doilies gone! One man and his party are ready to fight the future.
Support Donald Trump.
Vote GOP in November.
[applause] We'll get out of your hair now.
Stay.
I'm afraid to be alone.
[rock music] No need for lessons here, Sensei.
I think I know my way around a bar.
Ten vodka Red Bulls make 'em warm.
Don, it's time to drink like a middle-aged man.
I ordered us these blueberry IPAs.
Ugh! It tastes like a dirty dishrag and burnt hair.
And blueberries.
Being middle-aged is about fixating on little details to distract us from the fact that nothing's enjoyable anymore.
Well, look who it is.
Mr.
Ryan.
My brother, Don.
Eric! Did you follow me here? I'm having a private, middle-aged man's drink - with my friend Paul Ryan.
- I can taste the blueberries! So, I assume you forgot you're allergic to them? My three pediatric allergists are on vacation! Aah! I'm starting to like this being-old stuff.
No one blinks an eye when I show up to security briefings in my pajamas.
Perhaps you'd like to head up to the residence - using your new stairlift.
- Jeff, this isn't "Star Wars.
" There's no such thing as a [mechanical whirring] [choir vocalizing] stairlift? [vocalizing continues] For real? How could it be? I-I can't belie Oh, my God.
Gentlemen, do you realize what this is? [both] A stairlift.
Well, we thought it would help you relate to the elderly if your house looked more like theirs.
Who has this technology? Because if the Saudis have it, we need to tell whoever's Secretary of Defense.
- You mean me? - This is no time for jokes, Mattis.
Listen closely.
I want this in every room.
Drain the Treasury if you have to.
- It's just a - Shh, shh.
[hushed] The Saudis could be listening.
[mechanical whirring] [whispering] This is F-in' amazing! [music] Ted Cruz! D.
J.
T.
Jr.
! Welcome to Grill Fest 2018! This one here is a Burnmaster 6700 Genesis Natural Gas Grill.
Pretty snazzy, huh? A week ago, I would have kicked this over, picked up the ruined food, and chucked it into the nearest pool, but I like who I am when I stand over this grill.
It's yours.
- What? - Heard that right! We all chipped in and got it for you! - Achee-boo! - Ooh! - Yeah! Go, Don! - Yeah! Actually, those are my car keys.
I'm gonna need those back! - How much did this beast set you back? - That's the great part.
The tag said $899, but mail in the rebate [all] With proof of purchase and receive $300 back plus 30% discount off all Burnmaster-brand grilling accessories and supplies! Oh, my God.
How do I know all this stuff about rebates and crap? How does a baby know that capitalism has no downside? At a certain age, you just know.
[melancholy music] You've really grown up fast, Don.
As a reward, I'll let you hang around my commercial shoot and ask the crew boring questions about their equipment.
It's good to be back, Dad.
Hey, is that a DSLR Multi-zoom? [director] No.
And get out of the frame.
We're rolling.
[announcer] And now a message from the President of the United States.
[whimsical music playing over speakers] [mechanical whirring] Good evening, my fellow elderly Americans.
The world's moving pretty fast, huh? Sinatra's gone, and now all of our farmers wear tight pants and kiss each other.
Remember when movies used to have the milkman in them? That time doesn't have to end.
I will sign Republican legislation allowing you to write your next five election votes into your will.
When you die, your stranglehold on American culture shouldn't die with you.
See you at the Iowa State Fair! [music] Being old is great! Mumbling 24/7, letting my toenails gnarl, my racist epithets finally being considered endearing.
Speaking of good news, you're a cover boy! Are you talking about these? I just had Stephen Miller mock those up.
I'm not actually on the cover of Handsome Cool Guy.
- No.
AARP Magazine.
- AARP.
Is that the Association of Awesome, Right-All-the-Time Presidents? No.
It's the trade magazine for the American Association of Retired Persons.
[mechanical whirring] Sir, are you okay? [whirring continues] Sarah, can I see you in my office, please? The oval one.
- This looks nothing like me.
- Sir, y-you're beautiful and youthful, while the person on that cover looks like a crypt keeper.
No one can see this.
Have the National Guard De-eyeball all retirees.
I'm afraid they're busy keeping engineers out of Puerto Rico.
But if it's any consolation, our party has already made it so that no one can retire ever again.
[man] Yeah, you're just gonna want to line up the floorboard right there.
Make sure you got a nice, tight seam between them.
[ringtone plays] This is Donathan Jr.
- How can I help you? - [slurring] Hey.
It's Hope Hicks.
We're getting bottle service at Ultra Bar, and we need a black Amex and some boys' laps to sit in! Wanna come?! You know, I'd like to, Hope, but to be honest, I have some touch-ups to do on my crown molding.
Ugh, you suck.
You loser! [line disconnects] Don, have you noticed something? Yeah.
The floors here are a little uneven.
If we rent a sander and a shop vac, we can smooth it out over the long weekend.
There's something you need to hear.
[Don Jr.
] You know, if you take the highway, it feels like you're getting there quicker, but if you take Douglas and hit the lights right, you can shave a good three or four minutes off your ride.
Who is that? He's boring as shit! - Don't you see, Don? That's you.
- No, it's not.
If it was me, then why didn't I say my entire name clearly? Hey, I saw the ad in the back of American Collector about the Joe Montana rookie card.
My name is Donald Trump, Jr.
[door opens] Don, we're heading over to the car show.
No.
Don't come near me! What are you talking about, Don? It was your idea.
[dramatic music] [President Trump] The AARP cover is a disaster for my image.
I want the world to see me as I see myself a young, shirtless cowboy dancing on a bar.
Say no more, sir.
I, posing as Melania, will plant a story in the New York Post saying you give her the best sex she's ever had.
- You're gonna play Melania? - I played all the female roles in my off-high school production of "Little Women.
" I sweat so much from all the costume changes that I actually did pass out during Beth's death scene.
Then I did the final number, The Women Are Big Now, and the next day, I took this job.
[dialing, line rings] [man] Page Six.
Hello.
It's First Lady Melania Trump.
I'd like to report some sex.
I never thought it could happen to me.
There I was, picking apples from a verdant tree, when I heard a rustle in the brush.
I turned to see Donald J.
Trump, his masculinity in full bloom, wearing nothing but a layer of scarab beetles.
[sighs] Is this Stephen Miller? Nay! I'm First Lady and will have you arrested for your insolence! Guards, take him away! [line disconnects, dial tone] I think it worked! [grunting] [mechanical whirring] Ow! Thanks a lot, Dad.
I tried to grow up, and then I did and it sucked.
I didn't tell you to do that.
I just threatened to withhold my love until you did.
I don't want to be the guy who shops at auto-part stores.
I'm the guy who takes a leak on the side of the auto parts store because he drank too much Nesquik.
How do you think I feel? People see me as old even though, at the White House kids' Easter pageant, I won the award for Most Candy.
Mr.
President, we need to talk.
Sir, according to polls, you're not gaining elderly voters as quickly as they're dying.
And during polling, they often die from the euphoria - of someone finally asking for their opinion.
- Someone pull Dr.
Ronny out of whatever elevator shaft he's passed out in and tell him he needs to keep every human being alive until November.
Dr.
Ronny is trapped on a barge off the coast of Tijuana.
- Don't ask.
- Oh, crap.
Well, at least if I lose the midterms and get impeached, there'll always be a place for me in my real home - television.
- [cellphone dings] Good news, sir.
You've just been offered a talk show on a Cape Coral, Florida-based hotel TV network.
Ugh.
[whirring stops] Just call Bret Michaels and tell him he's my bandleader.
[dramatic music] [mechanical whirring] Oh, my God.
A bullhorn with fresh batteries.
I think I can get it.
[mechanical whirring] [whirring stops] [gears grinding] [straining] Melania! Melania! Once again, the voice of the old goes unheard.
I bet I can't even disrupt the world order with a single tweet anymore.
[cellphone chirps] [siren wailing in distance] At least that still works.
[line ringing] Ugh, this gas is giving me such a headache.
[slurring] Hey, Hope Hicks here! What?! [chuckling] Hey, Hope, you up to anything tonight? Uh, partying at a rooftop bar with a bunch of other hotties.
We're all sprawled out three to a papasan chair and screeching at each other.
Usual Tuesday.
Nice.
I'll come meet you.
Ooh, it's not really a middle-aged-man thing.
Oh.
Th-That's cool.
I'm actually going to a party at Seth Burnmaster's house.
Is Corey there? Corey Lewandowski? I thought you were over that guy.
I thought I was, too.
If you see him [voice breaking] don't tell him that I love him and I'm really sorry how things ended - Okay, bye! - Whatever.
Have fun with the Burnmasters, also known as your grill.
I'm not an idiot! [line disconnects] Ugh! I hate her! [melancholy music] Why are you here? And why does it smell like carcinogens and blueberries? Being middle-aged sucks! I retreat to the Situation Room to quietly and maturely inhale propane fumes, and I get kicked out by my dad's butler! So, I see you've ditched the whole growing-up thing.
It just doesn't feel right.
Did you know Pittsburgh Paints doesn't even have a tequila bar? Of course it doesn't feel right.
Growing up sucks.
But you do it anyway because time leaves you no choice.
Why do you think I joined the military? It's like going to camp every day.
[President Trump, in distance] Help! Help! I'm stuck in my stairlift! [music] I found you just in time.
Thank God Noam and Chadwicke's advertising company went under and they pivoted to Work Hard, Play Hard Stairlift Repair.
Don, my life peaked in 1989, when I graced the cover of every major magazine.
Now I'm nothing more than a Diet Coke-to-urine processing vessel.
It's true, Dad.
You were at your most successful and most desirable in the '80s, and since then, you haven't changed your speaking style, your attitude, or your reading level, - but that's a good thing.
- What do you mean? You know that growing up sucks ass, so you live in the past.
When Americans voted to Make America Great Again, they didn't vote for the future.
They voted for the past and the one man who can drag them back there.
You're right, Don.
And when I give that speech at the Iowa State Fair, - I want you there with me because - I can't.
I have to browse riding mowers with Paul Ryan.
Paul Ryan sucks.
Wow.
I really needed to hear that.
Now I just gotta figure out how to do the impossible climb two stairs.
[music] While I dramatically straighten out my script, let's talk about the Iowa State Fair.
As Pericles stood before the masses in the Athenian City-State, so do modern presidential candidates, only before butter cows, corn dogs, and eager voters.
We go live now to President Trump, whose party has shown no pulse among young people and a weakening pulse among the elderly.
Come on, Dad, if you don't get up those stairs, these people will vote the way their grandkids beg them to.
Don, I'll never make it.
Stevie's almost finished his warm-up, and I still have two stairs to climb.
Just as Jo March was destined to live a literary life in "Little Women," your destiny is Republicanism! Now please give a red-hot welcome to your president, Donald Trump! [cheers and applause] Don, lift me up with your knees! The mature Don would have lifted with his knees.
But the real Don lifts with his back.
Hraah! [bones crack] Crap! My back! Jesus! Dad, you're on your own.
If you don't walk up those two steps and lock down those voters, the Democrats will win the midterms and all these felonies we committed will have been for nothing.
[dramatic music] [groaning] [cheers and applause] [President Trump] My fellow Americans, I wanted to appeal to old people by acting old, but then I realized the best way to appeal to old people is to turn back the clock to whichever past we enjoyed the most.
Whether it's when it was illegal for women to be psychiatrists or when you could slap other people's kids at the mall, I'm bringing back that past for you.
Let the rest of the world have the future.
Refusing to move forward is the American way, and that's why I refuse to climb those stairs! [man] Where are you right now? [President Trump] It's what this country's about not changing who you are, choosing death over reading a book, and appointing judges who think "The Handmaid's Tale" is a heartwarming family sitcom, and eating deep-fried sticks of butter like our hearts will never explode.
[cheers and applause] [munching] Now go vote for the past despite its glaring flaws, and Make America Great Agai [bodies thud] [crowd gasps] Just lost two in front.
Let the stretchers through! [whimsical music] Yeah, yeah, so, I'm pretty sure I'm gonna lose the midterms.
Yeah, that's why I'm taking off.
Might go work at Lowe's.
Good benefits over there.
They got a 401(k) with, like, a three percent return.
Plus, they have that 15% employee discount - on potting soil.
- Wow.
I can't understand why you guys just don't walk in front of a bus every day.
It's great to have you back, Don! He's not going anywhere, and neither am I once I stack the Supreme Court with NASCAR flag girls.
Hey, Eric, bet I can chug a beer while doing a handstand on this grill.
Hoist me! [Ryan] Careful.
You'll burn your hands.
[President Trump] Never tell my son not to do something stupid again.
[Don Jr.
] One, two, three, hoist! [sizzling] Ohh-oh! ['80s-style pop music] Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump is the president Is Donald Trump the president? Yes, he is Yes, he is, we elected him president Is Donald Trump the president? Yes, he is We had a vote and elected him president Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump He is our president We made him president We did it Donald Trump is the president We elected Donald Trump Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump is the president Yeah Trump!