Our Cartoon President (2017) s01e15 Episode Script

The Wall

1 [announcer.]
" Alex Jones here.
As you probably heard, I was banned from Facebook, Apple, and Spotify.
You know, you advocate killing one person and millions of fans with dissociative identity disorder, and suddenly everyone loses their sense of humor.
Yes, I am under attack, just like the Jews in the Holocaust that may not have happened.
Freedom of speech.
Freedom of speech is enshrined in the Constitution.
That means anything you do with your facehole is protected by the First Amendment, such as firing blow darts, driving a bulldozer with your teeth into a hospital, and shoving a grenade in dolphin's blowhole while screaming "Sayonara, Flipper!" [announcer.]
So long, Flipper.
I am here for one reason only.
Speaking truth to power.
That is my singular motivation.
[Alex Jones.]
Buy my Cortex Quake pills and you will not die! Now available in Mixed Berry.
Cortex Quake.
Do not believe anyone who says these pills are just spray-painted Mike and Ikes.
No shirt.
Let's bring on the last remaining bastion of logic and civility, - [Alex Jones.]
Donald Trump Jr.
- I caught a big fish.
You met with the Russians to get dirt on Hillary Clinton.
So tell the folks why the mainstream media is blowing this whole thing out of proportion.
Uh, last time I checked, there's no law that says you can't conspire with a foreign country.
Right, well, except there are laws against it.
I can get behind a complicated theory here.
- But you got to ground it in something.
- Look at it this way.
Hillary colluded with Russians, which is bad.
But I colluded with the Russians, which is good.
Please, do not make me be the voice of reason here.
Let me start over.
I caught a big fish.
You are disconnected from reality.
Interview over.
1776! Tomorrow I will address these rumors that my brain is constantly spinning like a rotisserie chicken.
[title music.]
[President Trump.]
Build the wall! Aah! 1x15 - The Wall Real Americans are hurting, folks.
This morning, I met a 50-year-old North Dakota woman named Donna.
Donna has no money, no job, 30 kids, they all live in a garbage truck with no brakes rolling down a hill, and she carries her brain around in a basket.
But what keeps Donna going is knowing that, one day, a wall will protect our southern border from Mexicans fleeing for dear life.
Build the wall! Build the wall! All right, same time next week.
You bring the unfettered rage.
I'll bring the hats.
[crowd member.]
When are you gonna build it? I love you, too! [Don Jr.
That rally was so sick, but these mobs want this wall built now.
One guy told me to build the wall by Sunday or he'd choke me out with his ponytail.
Look, I'd love to, but I don't have time with everything I've got going on.
[dog barking.]
Dad, you used to actually build stuff.
The Atlantic City boardwalk is full of buildings with three of the five letters of your name still attached.
Remember? [music.]
What happened to that guy? People are starting to take my declaration that we will build a wall literally, so I need a progress update.
The, uh, budget office says the only way to completely fund the wall would be to sell Wisconsin to Qatar.
That thing'll get built the day my terrible wife wins an Oscar.
The day Tyler Perry casts me as the love interest in - "Madea's Got A Boyfriend".
- Sarah? I am not physically able to express an opinion that is not also your opinion, so here's a noise instead mmmlarm.
Then I should tell my supporters it ain't happening.
I'm sure they'll be chill about it.
After all, I'm chill, and chill recognizes chill.
[crowd chanting.]
Build the wall! Build the wall! [President Trump.]
We can't do a wall right now.
We spent a lot of money on baby cages, and a wall would just keep us from getting enough babies to fill 'em up.
[Crowd member.]
We still want the wall.
President Trump's bewildering speech tonight was clearly a deep state-funded hologram.
Here to reassure us that everything is fine between him and the wall is Donald the Trump.
There's my guy.
Listen, sweetie It's over between me and the wall.
- No.
No-no-no-no-no - I'm a real estate mogul.
I don't know how to build walls.
You weren't even trying! You disgust me! Get off my show! I hate you! Wait, I don't mean that.
I love you! No! Leave me alone! - Sean, I - Somebody get me Gorka! [laughs.]
It is I, Sebastian Gorka! Sean, my boy, let him go.
Together, you and I shall birth a new society born on the iron spine of the Hungarian river hound.
Sebby, I can't be alone right now.
- Can I come over? - Why, yes.
I'll put a soup on the fire stove and cue up a flick by the Ruler of Rom-Coms, Nancy Meyers.
How could you not endorse a wall that preserves racial purity? This could be the administration's Hoover Dam, only the water is unaccompanied minors hiding in rolled up area rugs.
Look, I got two beefy, older brothers who taught me to never indulge in any stupid flights of fancy, like building a beach cabana for my best friend Bucky.
You knew someone named "Bucky"? He was my Cabbage Patch Doll.
My brothers drop-kicked him and his half-finished beach cabana down a wishin' well, and my sense of wonder went with it.
Well, I'm alone again.
But one is never alone who makes noise.
[weird noises.]
[phone buzzes.]
Ugh, don't pick it up.
It's just Hannity singing some terrible song he wrote.
When two men lose their way Often times it [cellphone beeps.]
Dad, can you just build the wall? It's impossible.
We'll just tell everyone MS-13 broke up over creative differences.
That is such bullshit! Everyone said it was impossible to refurbish the Central Park Ice Skating rink, but you did it.
And you mean to tell me that building a flat wall is harder than building an oval ice skating rink? How did you think of that shape?! [Kushner.]
The skating rink was already there.
"I'm Jared.
My dimples are somehow not endearing.
" - "I know everything.
" - "And I'm really handsome.
" What is it about making fun of Jared that makes me feel like I can tackle the world? Family, I will build that ice skating rink on the Southern border! So is anyone going to correct him? Maybe tell him to build a wall rather than an ice rink? - "I'm Jared.
" - "I'm going to jail.
" - "I know everything.
- "I'm really cute.
" [music.]
[President Trump.]
Breaking ground on this wall requires the most brilliant minds in government and business.
Which is why I've selected all of you.
I keep a glue gun in my back pocket if that helps! We're not building the whole wall.
We just need enough to fill a camera lens.
Length 100 feet.
Height taller than a man in search of freedom.
Width one sixth of a 6-foot party sub.
Uh, I'll call Senator Cruz, try to get some momentum - for an appropriations bill.
- No Congress.
If I didn't need their help building Trump Winery, then I don't need their help building something without grapes.
You said there'd be grapes! [President Trump.]
I want you two to set up the ground-breaking ceremony at the border.
I'd do it myself, but I don't want to.
Sir, we're gonna break so much ground, we'll shift the tectonic plates and deluge California with lava! Stevie, lava's not always the answer.
- Just don't get carried away.
- I'll keep him in line.
If he gets out of hand, I'll steal the pills he takes to keep his throat from closing up every time he sees someone happy.
[President Trump.]
This is the "Donald Trump Five-Point Plan to Build Anything You Want Wherever You Want.
" I used it to make Atlantic City America's number-one family-shattering destination.
And we're gonna use it to break ground on the wall.
- Sweet! Who are we swindling? - We're not swindling anyone.
We're simply inviting our friends to take part in the opportunity of a lifetime.
Sounds like we're swindling people.
"I was never subpoenaed by my mom.
" [President Trump.]
"Step one nail the pitch.
" [President Trump.]
The Southern Border is an amazing, amazing property.
You got the desert, the sand, those big fat plants covered in forks gorgeous.
It's the perfect place to build a wall.
When my father mentioned the sand, the desert, the forks, the gorgeous, I thought, "This is an amazing place to build a wall.
" [President Trump.]
"Trump International Desert Sunrise Wall" will be fabulous.
I'd be a fool not to jump on this opportunity.
Who is with me? That sucked.
Wanna see a good video? [keyboard clacking.]
Hold on.
Hold on O-kay! Oh there's an ad here.
It's I should be able to skip Nope, it's not a skippable one.
I swear it's so worth it.
Okay, and it's done! [man.]
Splish splash! It's speedboat fails! [man.]
The funniest and fastest fatal disasters! - That's gonna leave a mark! - That's gonna leave a mark! [man laughs.]
[President Trump.]
"Step two secure the investors.
" When raising cash, you always start with the easiest marks.
I bet these rubes have a sick nest egg tucked away.
Now, Karen, don't agree to anything, unless he really wants you to.
Mike, Karen, I wanna get you two in on the ground floor of this amazing wall project.
Ooh! It'll just require some capital on your end.
- How much can I put you down for? - Let's see.
I got my coin from France, a punch card to the yarn store, - and a wrapped mint so I -You're useless.
And Mike? I'm afraid the contents of Karen's tote is all we have to our name.
Oh, and the 401(k).
How much is in there? After our rabbit got pregnant before marriage - Nice! - we had to spend all but $37 sending her to an Irish workhouse for fallen women.
Fine, I'll take that $37.
And give me that mint.
And at the top of the wall, we'll have a squadron of roving archers whose bows rain flaming arrows down upon their foes! Hell, no, we're not doing that.
I've had 40 great flaming-arrow ideas in the last 20 minutes and you've rejected each one.
Me thinks the archer is thee.
If we build something big and showy, we're just setting up everyone for disappointment - when our boss doesn't finish the job.
- But he will finish the job if we remind him of his illustrious past building the boardwalk's flashiest cultural abominations.
Relax, the only way he's finishing that wall is if it's covered in horsey sauce.
[President Trump.]
"Step three break ground.
" How are we supposed to afford this groundbreaking when we only have Pence's 37 bucks and a half-sucked mint? Maybe I've lost my touch.
Why are things I want to happen not happening?! There must be something we can do Um, "Blackmail Ed Koch.
" No.
"Cash your tenants' disability checks"? No.
Wait a second.
If we say the wall is for science or whatever, we could get [all.]
a federal grant with little to no oversight! - Oh, Daddy.
- Oversight! Yeah, great idea we just had.
Job done.
[crow caws.]
Unacceptable! This groundbreaking ceremony must inspire Donald to build a wall that will stand for 10,000 eons! What happened to your sense of imagination? When the press corps' cameras turn off, so does my imagination.
Close your eyes, Sarah, and picture Bucky's beach cabana.
What do you see? No, that was a stupid child's dream, and I'm not doing it.
A thatched roof? A chair, perhaps? Two chairs.
One for Bucky and one for his work friend, Deb! Now whatever you did to imagine Bucky's beach cabana, do the same thing for President Trump's big, sexy wall! [music.]
[TV news music.]
I'm Wolf Blitzer.
Welcome to "The Situation Face.
" President Trump will host a border-wall groundbreaking ceremony funded by a grant from the National Science Foundation.
I'd go, but when I leave the studio, I get spooked and hide in the nearest barn.
[President Trump.]
"Step four ribbon-cutting ceremony.
" Thank you to the National Science Foundation for providing the funds necessary for the International Desert Sunrise Wall and Crested Gecko Research Center.
We will now keep MS-13 out of our country and discover how geckos' vascular systems respond to UV light.
[crowd cheering.]
I love geckos! An awe-inspiring display that pleases the president and that no sane person would ever approach! - Great work, Sarah.
- It's like 30 years of repressed whimsy just spilled out of me.
I didn't know what I was missing until you showed me, you little fetus-lookin' weird alien guy! A lot of people said that I'd never break ground on this wall, including myself.
At my lowest point, I even considered abandoning nationalism in favor of a borderless world government where all humans are treated equally, but then I looked at my children and remembered that all people are not equal.
[crowd chanting.]
Trump! Trump! Trump! My next guest is President Trump, who has just swept me off my feet all over again.
Sean, I'm back, and I am not going anywhere.
I'm scared of how much I want to believe you right now.
- So, is the wall for real? - The wall is off to a tremendous start Start? Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- What do you mean "start"? - Well, it's a big project, Sean.
Donald, please do not do this to me again.
I thought you were the man who could build anything.
- Or was that just another lie? - Do not fear, Sean! Gorka is here with "Father of the Bride" on Blu-ray disc.
[Don Jr.
Dad, you used to actually build stuff.
Wait! Wait.
What I was going to say is that, by the end of this year, the wall is going to be three walls deep and four walls high.
Oh, thank God.
I'm just so glad to have you back, baby.
What do you want to do? Go Go for a walk? I-I kinda just want to sit here and be with you in this moment.
And now, it's time for the fifth and final step "screw over everyone.
" Let's deposit what's left of this federal grant and sue the government for giving it to us.
- Yas queen! - I married one of the geckos.
Can I keep it? Kids, normally, I'd be all for pocketing that science money and leaving the geckos to shrivel, but this time feels different.
I think I need to finally do the right thing build this wall and keep out all those Antonio Banderas-types.
I've never been prouder to be your dad.
I mean, uh, be my son.
Shit! Fuck! Stevie, you did too much, and I love it.
I want you to see the rest of the wall through.
I will build a wall so high, astronauts will see pregnant immigrants being detained from space.
I'd like to help, sir.
What can I say? You crammed my head full of possibility.
You ever thought about wearing a hat? Because you got a big ol' head and the sun is just going nuts on it.
[President Trump.]
All right, investment club, we're building the rest of the wall.
- Time to pony up more casheesh.
- Fat chance.
Your money pit somehow made Mike Pence poorer than he already was.
I had to sell little patches of my clothes to Karen's quilting group.
By the way, I need that money for stamps to send thank-you notes to everyone who bought patches.
Darn, darn, darn! [Acosta.]
Sarah, realistically, how much wall can you actually build? - All of it.
- And who's gonna pay for it? You ain't, Jim, so why you worrying about it? - What about - Naw, shut up.
I'm talking to Jim Acosta today.
Jim, you got another question? Will this wall have any impact at all on illegal I'm gonna just lay it out for you.
I didn't think this wall was gonna happen.
I thought it was dumber than a pig listening to the Jerky Boys, but then a little dude named Stephen Miller opened a part of my brain I didn't know I had.
Now I believe that anything is possible.
That didn't answer my question about illegal immigration.
I'll elaborate after I shove my boot in your butt.
Hoo, I am fired up today! [President Trump.]
You're telling me not one single entrepreneur, congressperson, or shady arms dealer with a fanny pack full of passports is willing to help me finish this wall? - Yup.
- Yup.
If you ever want to find out who your real friends are, ask them to bankroll a 2,000-mile monstrosity.
Dad, do you think maybe you let Hannity and all those wild-eyed, screaming fanatics get to your head? You could've just taken that grant money and opened the first all-shade golf course packed with trees.
I don't know I'm not the golf child.
- I am the golf child.
- I am the golf child! Dad, tell him I'm the golf child! Just get out of my office.
I got some bad stuff to do.
Why did you say you're the golf child? You know I'm the golf child.
Sarah, you were amazing up there! I've never seen Jim Acosta sweat from his eyeballs.
Speaking of Acosta, that stuff he brought up, I don't have to worry, right? Like, the rest of this wall is gonna get built, right? Sarah, look me in the forehead.
I've never been more certain of anything in my life.
Now, to ending the scourge of I'll tell you later.
[all chanting.]
Tell us! Tell us! Tell us! I got the wall money.
- Yay! - Wow! - How'd you get it? - Oh, shut the hell up.
I guarantee you.
What? No! It hadn't even occurred to me.
but if I did, don't worry.
I used a nice, secure cell phone to call Vladimir Putin, who agreed to give the president the necessary funding for the border wall, leaving the president indebted to the interests of a hostile nation.
According to our source, the president already promised Putin oil drilling rights in Alaska and an 'anything goes' night alone with the Liberty Bell.
Here's the president addressing the nation.
My fellow Americans, I gave the money back, okay? And yes, before you ask, with interest.
So, I think we can drop this.
And, by the way, the wall is just going on short hiatus.
When it comes back, it'll be ten feet higher, MS-13, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Miller, you opened my eyes to a world with a wall in it, - and now that wall is dead.
- Uh, were we watching the same report? Because I heard the words "ten feet higher.
" From now on, I'm only gonna believe in things I already see right in front of my face, like the beetle that just crawled in your one ear and came out the other.
Sarah, the wall is going to happen, and we'll make it together, spikes and all.
I wish I could believe that, but your forehead lied to me.
You know the worst part about all of this? I was beginning to like you.
[screeches, cries.]
Oh, Jesus Christ, is that how you cry!? Stop it.
It's making my teeth hurt.
The best part about this all-shade golf course is that I, Donald Trump, am not involved.
- What the hell is this? - Excuse me, we have this room booked for another hour.
So now you guys are building stuff without me? I'm sorry, Daddy, but this whole wall debacle shows that you've lost your touch.
Now, Karen, hand over that coin from France.
One less thing to pack in my Rapture duffel.
I'm here now with the man who should be president, - Sebastian Gorka.
- As we all know, 89 percent of all illegal immigrants arrive via parachute, which is why I propose a deterrent far superior to a wall a bubble-dome.
We shall hire the cheapest labor from the hill-caves of Macedonia.
When we come back, did the wrong side win the Cold War? [crow caws.]
So, if this wall is 100 feet, then we just need to build 100,000 more of these.
I feel as Sisyphus when he pushed a huge wall up a huge wall.
But this is my destiny, and I must forge on alone.
Oh, no, I'm getting a tan! [Acosta.]
Now that the wall is dead, will the president revive his infrastructure bill? It's really messed up when someone puts a bunch of big ol' dreams in your head and then you find out the dreams are all bullshit, so you get your husband to shake your head to get the dreams out, but it only makes you dizzy, then you gotta talk to dumbass Jim Acosta.
A follow-up question is everything okay? No, Jim, I am falling apart at the seams.
Everybody out! Go on! Get out! [sighs.]
Hey, did you and Ivanka get in a fight? Because she just told me she wanted to change her last name from "Trump" to "LLC".
She's disappointed in me.
They all are.
I tried to build a wall and only managed to swindle one person out of their 401(k).
Yeah, I just saw Karen heading to the docks to sell Mike's shirt as a fishing net.
No tax, but you do have to point me to the bus stop! Are you here to crap on me, too? Hey, before this week, I knew you just as the guy who would license his name for a quick buck.
But, then, you actually tried to build something, and not for yourself, but because a bunch of racists wanted it.
- And that's worth something.
- Thanks, Jared.
I've been meaning to tell you "Ooh, I'm Jared.
I say nice things.
My father-in-law doesn't know what his daughter sees in me" [music.]
[Bolton distorted.]
Wall wall wall wall wall.
Wall wall wall wall wall.
Sarah! Get your head out of the clouds! Um, sorry.
You were talking about? I was saying, "Iran Iran Iran.
Iran Iran Iran Iran.
" I'll just come back later.
With all this talk of pragmatism I failed to see the scope of his nationalist dreams With all this talk of keeping out the immigrants Ooh A friend has passed me by, it seems All the things I'd do for you I'd build a wall for Muslims, too We should've built it up together Built it up together In 100 degree weather And become the greatest oppressors of all time We could've been the greatest of all time [coughs.]
God, I'm dying.
When that border agent offered me salt or water, I should've taken water.
What the? [gasps.]
And who, you ask, will run this all-shade golf course? Why, my golf-child, Ivanka.
- Oh, Ivanka, that's such bullshit! - Family, I apologize.
Since I took office, I've done a lot of talking and finally wanted to do something real.
Like you, Don Jr.
, when you set the unofficial record for tallest pile of burning mattresses.
- Two! - And, Eric, remember when you made a house for turtles, but then saw a turtle for the first time, and realized you just made a house for people? No! Stop bringing it up! - And, Ivanka, remember, uh - Yes, Daddy, I do! You all made something that will outlive yourselves, something I used to do.
And with this wall, I just wanted to have that feeling again.
We forgive you, Daddy, but I'm not sure if 38 percent of the American public will.
He showed up at my door last night all covered in cactus forks.
Stephen, tell him what you told me.
I-I've seen the wall.
- And it's magnificent.
- Yeah! I'm Wolf Blitzer.
I'm still Wolf Blitzer.
President Trump is about to reveal the future of the Southern border wall to his supporters, who are deeply concerned it won't happen.
You should've seen me play volleyball in middle school.
I could've been one of the greats.
Build the wall! I'm proud to announce that we have finally built the wall! - [man.]
What? - [woman.]
Where is it? You'll never see it unless you wander this desert on the brink of death.
You see, America is the land of empty, symbolic gestures, like the inscription on the Statue of Liberty, Black History Month, and recycling.
And The Wall is the biggest, emptiest, symbolic gesture of all.
It's a mirage, glistening in the desert.
But the real wall the wall that keeps people from ever assimilating in our society is in here our hearts.
Every time we sneer at a Mexican woman ahead of us in line at the grocery store, that's the wall.
Every time we blame affirmative action for our dumb kids not getting into Rutgers, that's the wall.
Do you see it now? - [man.]
I see it! - [woman.]
I see it, too! - [man.]
Yeah! - It looks good, people.
We built the wall! We built the wall! [all.]
Dad built the wall! Dad built the wall! We did it, Sarah, and we didn't even need flaming arrows.
Let the mass deportations begin! [laughs.]
All in good time, little, weird guy.
All in good time.
Donald Trump got down on one knee and presented me with the shiniest diamond of all a border wall that stretches ten billion miles and is as wide as a fool's heart.
Let's bring him out, my baby, President Donald J.
Hi, Sean.
Helluva wall I built, huh? I don't know why I left you, Donald.
You're the only one who knows where to find my racism G-spot.
I'm truly proud of you two.
This must be what Sir Henry the Mighty felt when he gazed upon the killing fields of yore.
But you have not seen the last of the Dragon of Budapest! Gooorkkkaaa! ['80s-style pop music.]
Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump is the president Is Donald Trump the president? Yes, he is Yes, he is, we elected him president Is Donald Trump the president? Yes, he is We had a vote and elected him president Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump He is our president We made him president We did it Donald Trump is the president We elected Donald Trump Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump is the president Yeah Trump!