Our Cartoon President (2017) s01e16 Episode Script
Civil War
1 [news intro music.]
I'm Anderson Cooper, and I was raised by a butler.
This week, former Trump adviser Omarosa Manigault Newman released a tell-all book about President Trump, something all sentient beings saw coming the day he hired her.
She joins us now.
Thank you for having me, Anderson.
I'm not asking for much.
Just the attention of every human being on this planet and all of the money.
You're insane, and somehow the most credible person to work in this White House.
Omarosa recorded secret tapes of Trump and his advisers.
We have not verified their authenticity, but, in our defense, we really want to hear them.
Do you think President Trump is fit for office? - Keep in mind, he hired you.
- I don't, Anderson.
And that is why I'm running for president in 2020.
After serving, my library will proudly display my frozen head.
The next tape is a phone call to Omarosa from the President after she had been fired.
I'm being told the President has just released this tape which he says, get this, puts Omarosa's credibility in doubt.
I haven't listened yet, but there's no way it's not stupid.
- I'm Anderson Cooper.
- No, you're not.
Get out of there.
Anderson, I have a confession.
That's me on that tape.
No, it's not, Omarosa.
Coming up, would Americans prefer Mike Pence or Donald Trump as president? It's a decision no developed country should ask its citizens to make.
[music.]
[mariachi music.]
Oh, no! MS-13! 1x16 - Civil War As President Trump makes a play to be the Dalai Lama of racism, a new poll shows that given the choice between Donald Trump and Mike Pence, a majority of Americans prefer Pence to serve as president.
The poll was conducted just after Mike Pence delivered these soaring remarks.
I believe America is still a shining city upon a hill.
That was in sharp contrast to the President's speech that same day.
America's shiny, but the light is attracting bugs.
I'm talking about Mexicans here, folks.
I say we shove our power lines into the ground so America's nice and zappy.
Again, the bugs are Mexicans.
The contrast has Americans wondering if doctors should put Trump in a two-year medically induced coma, triggering the 25th Amendment, and making Pence our President, which could be better, or maybe worse.
I don't know.
I'm so tired.
Forget about that nuke that tips over when it's windy.
We've got bigger problems.
[music.]
Oh, what did I do? You told me to never sneeze again, and since the surgery, I haven't.
Congratulations, Michael, the American people prefer you to be president.
Soyou gonna take my job? - No, I - Not gonna talk, huh? That's fine.
I have someone who can get answers.
Hi, there! [all scream.]
[President Trump.]
So did Pence confess that he's gonna push me out? Nah.
I waterboarded him about 130 times.
Around the century mark, he shoved a letter opener in my face and begged me to kill him, and I thought, "Here comes the confession.
" And it just flat out never came.
Oh, well.
Try again tomorrow.
I've already put a drain in the floor of my office.
In the meantime, I'll show the American people that I'm way more presidential than Mike Pence.
Rapist Mexican immigrants are plotting to steal the election, folks.
It's true.
I saw video of myself saying it.
That's why I'm proud to introduce the Minority Disenfranchisement Act.
Thank you, Mr.
President.
And thank you for coming.
Your notebooks and tape recorders will be confiscated on the way out.
[President Trump.]
If can't frame it as disenfranchising minorities, then how should I frame it, genius? Frame it as "preserving the integrity of our elections.
" You want me to lie? You know presidential historians nicknamed me "Honest Don.
" At the risk of drowning followed by panicked mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, we're not asking you to lie.
We're asking you to leave out the part of the truth that people won't like.
Oh, hello, Mike.
How was the swim? With the Lord as my witness, I'm not trying to take your job.
There he is, the real Michael Pence.
You know, I walked those streets.
I know the game.
Lure me in.
Tell me we've got a big future together.
Before I know it, you're sitting at that desk and I'm waking up in a motel room with a bloody crowbar in my hand and a dead runaway I've never seen before sprawled across the duvet! Sir, I am completely happy as Vice President.
No one's happy to be Vice President.
- It's the Eric of cabinet positions.
- Hey, that's my name, too! [music.]
Karen, during my third drowning-induced cardiac arrest, I thought, "I have no eyes for the Oval Office," but what about you? Do you want to be the First Lady? Oh, no.
I don't like attention unless it's during the church's Messiah Macarena Dance Competition.
Exactly.
You wouldn't want to wear fashion couture dresses, be on the cover of Redbook, and introduce your Trinkets for the Troops cause to the world.
- Right, Karen? - Aaaahhh! Ooh-hoo-hoo! Sorry, I-I got a little excited.
[inhales deeply, clears throat.]
[music.]
[Miller.]
Once again, sir, I call upon you to indulge a sausage-based metaphor.
Your beliefs are the scrumptious viscera inside the sausage, but Kelly and Pence want you to wrap them in a sterile casing.
I like the casing.
It's shiny so I can watch myself eat.
But shiny isn't what got you elected.
You got elected because you scooped out America's guts and did entrail angels on the presidential debate floor.
You're right.
I'm sick of my words always having to wear a suit.
Tomorrow, they're showing up to Fox & Friends wearing a T-shirt and no pants.
Why does this taste like quarters? Because one of the sausage workers fell into the vat - on his way to the arcade.
- Huh.
[munches.]
Three white people on a couch It's Fox & Friends First, the P.
C.
police protested our all-white tribute to Motown, and now they're protesting his Minority Disenfranchisement Act.
We have the President on the line to respond.
[President Trump.]
Thanks, Elizabeth, but I've decided that the name "Minority Disenfranchisement Act" is too tame.
Instead, we're gonna call it the "Make It Harder - for Non-Whites to Vote Act.
" - My heart is saying "yes," but the producer in my ear is screaming, "God no!" As long as we're telling the truth, a storefront psychic swindled me out of $800,000 and the police can't do anything.
Uh, gotta go.
I can hear Kelly stomping down the hall.
Love you.
Bye.
- Sir - I didn't do anything! [receiver clicks, dial tone.]
Are you happy? You just went on national television, torpedoed your bill, and wrote the Democrats' next campaign ad.
Sure, I'm in a pit, but if I dig a little deeper, I'll find a sewage main and escape through a suburban toilet, and that toilet is an appearance on Hannity.
- No! - No! Mr.
President, I want to show you something.
[music.]
- What do you see here? - A painting of me and the boys at Roy Cohn's Louis the XVI party? Why would that be in the White House? It's our forefathers withholding voting rights from slaves and women, but they didn't shout that part from the rooftops.
They told everyone they were laying the groundwork for the greatest nation in history, and people have been guzzling that slop ever since.
Do you see it, Donald? Fine day, Mr.
President.
President Franklin? None of us is above error.
In fact, I dipped my pen in inkwells from the Boston seaports to the River Seine and all the syphilitic shanty towns in between.
- Cool.
- But when in respectable company, I spoke nary a word about it.
And so the citizenry knows me not as the Fondler of Prostitutes, but the Founder of a Nation.
When someone gazes upon your portrait, what do you want them to see other than a neck that looks like a buffalo bladder wearing a belt? So what do you say? Can I help you code your abject racism? I don't trust you.
I don't respect you.
I think your hair is weird.
I think you're weird.
Still I'm gonna speak your dumb politician language.
But one move toward my job, and I'll replace you with a big animatronic gopher playing tambourine.
[music.]
All right, buddy, the key to getting voters to stomach rancid policy is smothering it in a nice linguistic aioli.
For example, what did we call legislation that allowed the CIA to racially profile Muslims? The "2002 All Muslims Are Terrorists Compromise"? - Paul? - The Patriot Act.
- That's what I said! - What did we call the mission - to take out Saddam Hussein? - I don't know.
"Operation I Likey Da Oil, I Takey Da Oil"? Operation Iraqi Freedom.
Just keep using the words freedom, patriot, and liberty.
I've already forgotten them.
What were they again? Tatas, beef bucket, and goofy German? [President Trump.]
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! What coin did you eat too close to bed this time? - Quarters.
- Then go see a doctor, if only so I can know your estimated time of departure from Earth.
Fine.
Get me Dr.
Bornstein.
You're not going to a doctor who calls your organs "doohickies.
" [Dr.
Conley.]
Mr.
President, any complaints or concerns about your health? I'm worried I might live forever.
- And what's your diet? - Three square meals.
Five rectangular meals.
A handful of flat, oozing snacks.
- Any exercise? - Constant wild gesticulation.
Sexual history? Unprotected adult film stars that I meet at charity events, and some other stuff Ronan Farrow's still ferreting out.
Anything else I need to know? Hmm, well, my teeth turned to sponges and my tongue turned to bone.
Every time I blink, it sounds like someone dropped a book.
Oh, and I ate a bunch of quarters.
You may have an abdominal obstruction, but I need to conduct an ultrasound to know for sure.
No surgeries.
Surgery means Mike Pence becomes president and I wake up in Yankee Stadium, swinging my tie clip at five angry tigers.
[announcer.]
In a few moments, the President will host a roundtable with the Congressional Black Caucus.
- Remember, stay on script.
- Relax, Mike.
I know the African-Americans way better than you.
The State of New York made me rent to them.
Hey, I got some things to say about LeBron James! What? [announcer.]
Next on Knitting with Natalie, Natalie shows you how to knit envelopes.
Oooh! [sighs.]
[snoring.]
[thunder crashes.]
[announcer.]
We now return to William Shakespeare's Macbeth as performed by The Children's Theatre of Sherman Oaks.
[child Lady Macbeth.]
Come, you spirits that tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here This isn't Natalie.
And fill me from the crown to the toe top-full of direst cruelty.
Make thick my blood.
I don't see the clicker.
God must want me to watch this! Oooooooh! Well, Mikey, it's for me time to step aside.
Work hours are 11:00 a.
m.
to 3:00 p.
m.
If you want something to eat, scream it.
Oh, and go easy on Putin.
I know it looks like he's not doing much, but he's keeping the lights on around here.
Hold on, Donald.
I haven't been up front with you.
Yes, I want to be president, but not right now.
Right now, I'm here to support you just like you were there to support me when it came out that I supported you after the Access Hollywood tape.
- You mean it, Mikey? - I do.
Now do you trust me? Dad? Ivanka refuses to help me! My eccentric brother wants me to reopen my factory and produce a Kevlar shirt that protects him during sea gull attacks.
- It'd take them one second! - Eric, we talked about this.
You get one idea per year and you already mentioned coffee for kids.
[screams.]
Of course, the answer was right in front of me all along! Eric doesn't have an appealing personality, right? - Yes.
- But Ivanka does.
- Yes.
- When you talk to the press about policy, describe it like you would describe Ivanka and never mention the Eric parts.
[applause.]
We must protect the freedom and liberty of our patriotic nation by passing the Fair Elections Act.
It's the same as the Minority Disenfranchisement Act, but with a palatable name.
And I couldn't have given it that sheen of civility without a little scum-guzzling fish, Mike Pence.
[applause.]
Now I urge Congress to immediately pass the Fair Elections Act.
[cheers and applause.]
What you said up there, it was very Ivanka.
We make a good team.
Mr.
President, there's been an incident.
I need you to come with me.
- Can't.
Unless you say there's cake.
- There isn't cake.
It doesn't matter to that part of my brain.
It'll go if you say there's cake.
- There's cake.
- Here we go! The alt-right is striking while the racism's hot, only this time in Stone Mountain, Georgia, in support of the Confederate Memorial Carving.
Tensions are high.
Someone needs to go down there and gloss things over.
- Not it.
- I'll do it.
- I'm gonna be down there anyway.
- No, you will not.
Sanders, keep him away from any cameras.
Oh, where the hell did he go?! Don't worry, I'll get him.
Jeff! Jeff!! I'd be happy to attend in your place, Mr.
President, if only so you can take the high road.
Ooh, the high road! Sounds like a great perch to insult people on the low road.
[grumbles.]
You're not voicing support?! You're letting Mike Pence storm your right flank and capture your suckling Confederate pups.
If this happened last week, I would've been down there calling them good men with valid points, but I no longer say out loud what I 100% believe.
To think, I was gonna name you godfather to my jumping spiders Nietzsche and Red Pill! [stomach rumbles.]
[groans.]
[Dr.
Conley.]
You're developing a blockage, it's getting worse, and you need immediate emergency surgery.
It's a three-hour procedure.
- What's this? - A letter that triggers the 25th Amendment and hands over power to the VP while you're in surgery.
Just enough time for Pence to push me out.
Sorry, Doc, I'd rather be buried with these quarters like some broke-ass King Tut.
[whistling.]
Screw your courage to the sticking place and we'll not fail! Karen, why in the name of Faith Hill are you sitting in darkness? It's time to start your 2020 campaign, Michael.
We could launch Trinkets for Troops and finally find out who killed JFK, Janny Franny Karlarny, my elderly neighbor growing up.
No! Donald's my buddy.
I won't do it.
People don't waterboard their buddies.
I told you, it's old-fashioned office ribbing.
This conversation's not worth the electricity.
[light switch clicks.]
Ooh, it's like I'm inside the tea kettle.
[music.]
[crowd.]
Hannity! It's day two of the Stone Mountain Patriots defending their heritage while open-carrying surface-to-air missile launchers.
Unlike after Charlottesville when Trump rightfully blamed both the murderers and the murdered, this time, he's M.
I.
A.
Joining us now is his adviser Stephen Miller.
Sean, I love more than anything to be in the scent radius of the President, but I must report that he has forsaken his duty to defend our tribe! Whoa! Hold on, Stevie.
He's probably just waiting for the perfect time to swoop in and stick little American flags in the marchers' neckbeards.
Wrong! Suddenly, he's too dignified to step into the slaughterhouse as opposed to Mike Pence, who's not afraid to dive face first into ground up cow anus.
All hail Mike Pence! [Pence.]
I'd be happy to attend in your place, Mr.
President.
[echoing.]
in your place, Mr.
President.
Oh! Mr.
President, what brings you here today? I was the perfect president, but then you convinced me to take the high road knowing full well it was bumpy and I was lying in the back trying like hell to eat soup! Sir, I don't know what you're talking about.
Is this from a movie? I've only seen two movies, and it was Mystic Pizza twice.
Everyone thought I was better than Lincoln, then you got me to talk like you.
Now they only think I'm as good as Lincoln.
Sir, again, I'm not trying to undermine you! I believe you, but I can't speak for Bolton.
[chuckles.]
Hi, there! You know what? The way this White House tortures me, maybe Karen's right.
Maybe I should run for president in 2020, if only to find out if the CIA really did kill Janny Franny Karlarny, my wife's elderly neighbor when she was growing up! Bravo.
Now we know where we stand.
Now give me your vice president badge and send in the animatronic gopher! [echoing.]
Send in the animatronic gopher! Send in the animatronic gopher! [tambourine jingles.]
We're here with Washington's hot new "it" boy Michael Pence, and he can call me "Mother" any time he likes.
I'm the president, and if anyone should be called "Mother," it's me.
Let's talk about the rumors.
Are you actually dating Gigi Hadid? Karen and I will be together until the end of days next week.
- I love love.
But this is why I'm here.
The American people should know that the President has my full loyalty, but I will challenge him for the Republican nomination in 2020.
- Hey-o! - You naughty! - Oh, I done did it! - Hold that thought, you sexy tiger.
We got the President on the line! Hey, we're here with your best friend, Mike Pence, trying to score some hot goss.
[President Trump.]
He's not my friend.
I bet he's sitting in my Oval Office chair right now, spinning around with his long blond hair flowing in the breeze.
- Sir, he's right here.
- I think this is all in your head.
Make-believe, if you will.
That's Brian Kilmeade saying that, so I would listen.
If you're listening, Mike, I will have my revenge in this life or the next.
That's from Gladiator.
It's a good movie, and I'm gonna go watch it right now.
When we come back, we'll meet a baker who refuses to bake anything for anyone.
[music.]
Okay, explain why I'm not currently sweating under nine blankets with a bowl of hot cheese under my chin.
Since you won't get surgery and cede power to Mike Pence, your stomach's gonna explode.
You look like a whale! That's very sweet that you're concerned with my health.
Daddy, we're more concerned that, when you explode, everything will be covered in undigested grape Slurpee.
Hello! I'm wearing a shirt! - That won't work.
- It's not gonna be enough.
You're gonna blow through it like tissue paper.
At the very least, we want you to sit in this storage container.
- Is there air in there? - Eric promised me he put air in there.
- Eric? - Yeah! Uh, just give me 20 minutes to check.
[music.]
[President Trump.]
My vice president wants my job, my children want to lock me in a storage container, and now everyone doesn't think I'm racist.
Here is my advice to thee.
The citizenry believes that legislators are good people when they stay above the fray.
But no one asks, is that indeed good? Is it good to look past the ugliness within? Maybe someone needs to make that inquiry.
Also, watch out for that Pence fucker.
He'll gut you like a portly grouper.
I know, right? - Yes, definitely.
- He's dumb.
- He is a fucker.
- Absolutely.
Hey, how are you talking to me anyway? You've had a 105 degree fever for a fortnight.
Sir? Is everything okay? [body thuds.]
Mr.
President? Mr.
President? Mr.
President!! [echoing.]
[dramatic music.]
Mr.
President? [groans.]
Sir, if we don't conduct this surgery now, you will die.
Sign the letter triggering the 25th Amendment.
You'll only be under for three hours.
[music.]
Why so sad? This is everything you wanted.
How will you demean the office first? De-escalate tensions with our strongest allies? [music.]
As much as I want to be president for a few hours, I want even more for my friend to be okay.
You need to listen to me.
Get the surgery.
[echoing.]
You need to listen to me.
listen to me.
listen to me.
Look, Mike, I hate to do this, but I need to listen to you.
I don't want your charity.
Give it to Mike Pence.
He's so poor, he believes in God.
We're totally throwing a party.
It's gonna make Mnuchin's party look like Mike Pence's personality.
[muffled.]
I hate my stupid cabinet! Why can't they all be like Mike Pence?! As loyal and dumb as a basset hound! Mike, let me just say, you look dynamite.
Like a Norman Rockwell painting came to life and won a shopping spree at a hotel lobby clothing store.
Tell me America loves me, you stubborn, fucking asshole! [music.]
I'll get the surgery, but I want my eyes on Mike Pence through the whole thing because he's my best friend.
'Cause we were meant to fly [screaming.]
Things may fall But we will still be standing tall And it's a glorious day here in Stone Mountain, Georgia, where the alt-right, the proud boys, the Lieutenants Of Christendom, Soldiers For A Caucasian Future, and straight-up Nazis alike have gathered to protect their heritage.
I'm being told that Mike Pence will be giving a speech.
There's someone who can deliver my message without making you squint to see its meaning.
[Hannity.]
Hold on to your hoods! President Trump is here to address the crowd! [crowd booing.]
Wow.
These usually peaceful hatemongers are riled up today, folks.
I cannot sit down because a surgeon just crossed my southern border to fix a blockage without any anesthesia.
[man.]
Why would you do that? Allow me to explain.
[music.]
This country has always had a blockage, as well.
Beneath our soaring platitude is a whole bunch of ugly stuff we'd like to pretend isn't there, but, at any moment, could explode and make a big mess.
I'm assuming they don't make America-sized storage containers.
[man laughs.]
Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought that was a joke.
That brings me to Mike Pence.
We believe the same things, but unlike him, I don't hide it with flowery language and a fuddy-duddy personality.
I wear my colon on my sleeve.
You may not see my face on any flattering White House portraits, but one day, you will see it carved into this mountain! [cheering.]
Bravo.
Keep up the great work, racists! - He's talking about us! - We'll do our best! - [crowd chanting.]
Trump! Trump! - Jeff! Get your ass over here, or I'll kick your nuts off! [music.]
[President Trump.]
We didn't pass the Fair Elections Act.
It's hard to push through legislation when you're being photobombed by a 70-foot Robert E.
Lee.
That's okay.
With my words and your gumption, we'll pass many other civil-rights-limiting - freedom acts.
- Mike, I'm really sorry about having Bolton waterboard you.
At least he didn't torture you.
No apologies necessary.
I briefly led you astray.
Let's call it even.
Dad, are you racist again? - It's okay.
- I am racist again, and that's never gonna change.
- Rock on, Dad! - Daddy's back! - Yeah! - That's my dad! Hey, Pence, this is kind of a special moment.
Would you mind getting the fuck out of here? Of course.
If you need me, I'll be looking the other way.
['80s-style pop music.]
Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump is the president Is Donald Trump the president? Yes, he is Yes, he is, we elected him president Is Donald Trump the president? Yes, he is We had a vote and elected him president Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump He is our president We made him president We did it Donald Trump is the president We elected Donald Trump Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump is the president Yeah Trump!
I'm Anderson Cooper, and I was raised by a butler.
This week, former Trump adviser Omarosa Manigault Newman released a tell-all book about President Trump, something all sentient beings saw coming the day he hired her.
She joins us now.
Thank you for having me, Anderson.
I'm not asking for much.
Just the attention of every human being on this planet and all of the money.
You're insane, and somehow the most credible person to work in this White House.
Omarosa recorded secret tapes of Trump and his advisers.
We have not verified their authenticity, but, in our defense, we really want to hear them.
Do you think President Trump is fit for office? - Keep in mind, he hired you.
- I don't, Anderson.
And that is why I'm running for president in 2020.
After serving, my library will proudly display my frozen head.
The next tape is a phone call to Omarosa from the President after she had been fired.
I'm being told the President has just released this tape which he says, get this, puts Omarosa's credibility in doubt.
I haven't listened yet, but there's no way it's not stupid.
- I'm Anderson Cooper.
- No, you're not.
Get out of there.
Anderson, I have a confession.
That's me on that tape.
No, it's not, Omarosa.
Coming up, would Americans prefer Mike Pence or Donald Trump as president? It's a decision no developed country should ask its citizens to make.
[music.]
[mariachi music.]
Oh, no! MS-13! 1x16 - Civil War As President Trump makes a play to be the Dalai Lama of racism, a new poll shows that given the choice between Donald Trump and Mike Pence, a majority of Americans prefer Pence to serve as president.
The poll was conducted just after Mike Pence delivered these soaring remarks.
I believe America is still a shining city upon a hill.
That was in sharp contrast to the President's speech that same day.
America's shiny, but the light is attracting bugs.
I'm talking about Mexicans here, folks.
I say we shove our power lines into the ground so America's nice and zappy.
Again, the bugs are Mexicans.
The contrast has Americans wondering if doctors should put Trump in a two-year medically induced coma, triggering the 25th Amendment, and making Pence our President, which could be better, or maybe worse.
I don't know.
I'm so tired.
Forget about that nuke that tips over when it's windy.
We've got bigger problems.
[music.]
Oh, what did I do? You told me to never sneeze again, and since the surgery, I haven't.
Congratulations, Michael, the American people prefer you to be president.
Soyou gonna take my job? - No, I - Not gonna talk, huh? That's fine.
I have someone who can get answers.
Hi, there! [all scream.]
[President Trump.]
So did Pence confess that he's gonna push me out? Nah.
I waterboarded him about 130 times.
Around the century mark, he shoved a letter opener in my face and begged me to kill him, and I thought, "Here comes the confession.
" And it just flat out never came.
Oh, well.
Try again tomorrow.
I've already put a drain in the floor of my office.
In the meantime, I'll show the American people that I'm way more presidential than Mike Pence.
Rapist Mexican immigrants are plotting to steal the election, folks.
It's true.
I saw video of myself saying it.
That's why I'm proud to introduce the Minority Disenfranchisement Act.
Thank you, Mr.
President.
And thank you for coming.
Your notebooks and tape recorders will be confiscated on the way out.
[President Trump.]
If can't frame it as disenfranchising minorities, then how should I frame it, genius? Frame it as "preserving the integrity of our elections.
" You want me to lie? You know presidential historians nicknamed me "Honest Don.
" At the risk of drowning followed by panicked mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, we're not asking you to lie.
We're asking you to leave out the part of the truth that people won't like.
Oh, hello, Mike.
How was the swim? With the Lord as my witness, I'm not trying to take your job.
There he is, the real Michael Pence.
You know, I walked those streets.
I know the game.
Lure me in.
Tell me we've got a big future together.
Before I know it, you're sitting at that desk and I'm waking up in a motel room with a bloody crowbar in my hand and a dead runaway I've never seen before sprawled across the duvet! Sir, I am completely happy as Vice President.
No one's happy to be Vice President.
- It's the Eric of cabinet positions.
- Hey, that's my name, too! [music.]
Karen, during my third drowning-induced cardiac arrest, I thought, "I have no eyes for the Oval Office," but what about you? Do you want to be the First Lady? Oh, no.
I don't like attention unless it's during the church's Messiah Macarena Dance Competition.
Exactly.
You wouldn't want to wear fashion couture dresses, be on the cover of Redbook, and introduce your Trinkets for the Troops cause to the world.
- Right, Karen? - Aaaahhh! Ooh-hoo-hoo! Sorry, I-I got a little excited.
[inhales deeply, clears throat.]
[music.]
[Miller.]
Once again, sir, I call upon you to indulge a sausage-based metaphor.
Your beliefs are the scrumptious viscera inside the sausage, but Kelly and Pence want you to wrap them in a sterile casing.
I like the casing.
It's shiny so I can watch myself eat.
But shiny isn't what got you elected.
You got elected because you scooped out America's guts and did entrail angels on the presidential debate floor.
You're right.
I'm sick of my words always having to wear a suit.
Tomorrow, they're showing up to Fox & Friends wearing a T-shirt and no pants.
Why does this taste like quarters? Because one of the sausage workers fell into the vat - on his way to the arcade.
- Huh.
[munches.]
Three white people on a couch It's Fox & Friends First, the P.
C.
police protested our all-white tribute to Motown, and now they're protesting his Minority Disenfranchisement Act.
We have the President on the line to respond.
[President Trump.]
Thanks, Elizabeth, but I've decided that the name "Minority Disenfranchisement Act" is too tame.
Instead, we're gonna call it the "Make It Harder - for Non-Whites to Vote Act.
" - My heart is saying "yes," but the producer in my ear is screaming, "God no!" As long as we're telling the truth, a storefront psychic swindled me out of $800,000 and the police can't do anything.
Uh, gotta go.
I can hear Kelly stomping down the hall.
Love you.
Bye.
- Sir - I didn't do anything! [receiver clicks, dial tone.]
Are you happy? You just went on national television, torpedoed your bill, and wrote the Democrats' next campaign ad.
Sure, I'm in a pit, but if I dig a little deeper, I'll find a sewage main and escape through a suburban toilet, and that toilet is an appearance on Hannity.
- No! - No! Mr.
President, I want to show you something.
[music.]
- What do you see here? - A painting of me and the boys at Roy Cohn's Louis the XVI party? Why would that be in the White House? It's our forefathers withholding voting rights from slaves and women, but they didn't shout that part from the rooftops.
They told everyone they were laying the groundwork for the greatest nation in history, and people have been guzzling that slop ever since.
Do you see it, Donald? Fine day, Mr.
President.
President Franklin? None of us is above error.
In fact, I dipped my pen in inkwells from the Boston seaports to the River Seine and all the syphilitic shanty towns in between.
- Cool.
- But when in respectable company, I spoke nary a word about it.
And so the citizenry knows me not as the Fondler of Prostitutes, but the Founder of a Nation.
When someone gazes upon your portrait, what do you want them to see other than a neck that looks like a buffalo bladder wearing a belt? So what do you say? Can I help you code your abject racism? I don't trust you.
I don't respect you.
I think your hair is weird.
I think you're weird.
Still I'm gonna speak your dumb politician language.
But one move toward my job, and I'll replace you with a big animatronic gopher playing tambourine.
[music.]
All right, buddy, the key to getting voters to stomach rancid policy is smothering it in a nice linguistic aioli.
For example, what did we call legislation that allowed the CIA to racially profile Muslims? The "2002 All Muslims Are Terrorists Compromise"? - Paul? - The Patriot Act.
- That's what I said! - What did we call the mission - to take out Saddam Hussein? - I don't know.
"Operation I Likey Da Oil, I Takey Da Oil"? Operation Iraqi Freedom.
Just keep using the words freedom, patriot, and liberty.
I've already forgotten them.
What were they again? Tatas, beef bucket, and goofy German? [President Trump.]
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! What coin did you eat too close to bed this time? - Quarters.
- Then go see a doctor, if only so I can know your estimated time of departure from Earth.
Fine.
Get me Dr.
Bornstein.
You're not going to a doctor who calls your organs "doohickies.
" [Dr.
Conley.]
Mr.
President, any complaints or concerns about your health? I'm worried I might live forever.
- And what's your diet? - Three square meals.
Five rectangular meals.
A handful of flat, oozing snacks.
- Any exercise? - Constant wild gesticulation.
Sexual history? Unprotected adult film stars that I meet at charity events, and some other stuff Ronan Farrow's still ferreting out.
Anything else I need to know? Hmm, well, my teeth turned to sponges and my tongue turned to bone.
Every time I blink, it sounds like someone dropped a book.
Oh, and I ate a bunch of quarters.
You may have an abdominal obstruction, but I need to conduct an ultrasound to know for sure.
No surgeries.
Surgery means Mike Pence becomes president and I wake up in Yankee Stadium, swinging my tie clip at five angry tigers.
[announcer.]
In a few moments, the President will host a roundtable with the Congressional Black Caucus.
- Remember, stay on script.
- Relax, Mike.
I know the African-Americans way better than you.
The State of New York made me rent to them.
Hey, I got some things to say about LeBron James! What? [announcer.]
Next on Knitting with Natalie, Natalie shows you how to knit envelopes.
Oooh! [sighs.]
[snoring.]
[thunder crashes.]
[announcer.]
We now return to William Shakespeare's Macbeth as performed by The Children's Theatre of Sherman Oaks.
[child Lady Macbeth.]
Come, you spirits that tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here This isn't Natalie.
And fill me from the crown to the toe top-full of direst cruelty.
Make thick my blood.
I don't see the clicker.
God must want me to watch this! Oooooooh! Well, Mikey, it's for me time to step aside.
Work hours are 11:00 a.
m.
to 3:00 p.
m.
If you want something to eat, scream it.
Oh, and go easy on Putin.
I know it looks like he's not doing much, but he's keeping the lights on around here.
Hold on, Donald.
I haven't been up front with you.
Yes, I want to be president, but not right now.
Right now, I'm here to support you just like you were there to support me when it came out that I supported you after the Access Hollywood tape.
- You mean it, Mikey? - I do.
Now do you trust me? Dad? Ivanka refuses to help me! My eccentric brother wants me to reopen my factory and produce a Kevlar shirt that protects him during sea gull attacks.
- It'd take them one second! - Eric, we talked about this.
You get one idea per year and you already mentioned coffee for kids.
[screams.]
Of course, the answer was right in front of me all along! Eric doesn't have an appealing personality, right? - Yes.
- But Ivanka does.
- Yes.
- When you talk to the press about policy, describe it like you would describe Ivanka and never mention the Eric parts.
[applause.]
We must protect the freedom and liberty of our patriotic nation by passing the Fair Elections Act.
It's the same as the Minority Disenfranchisement Act, but with a palatable name.
And I couldn't have given it that sheen of civility without a little scum-guzzling fish, Mike Pence.
[applause.]
Now I urge Congress to immediately pass the Fair Elections Act.
[cheers and applause.]
What you said up there, it was very Ivanka.
We make a good team.
Mr.
President, there's been an incident.
I need you to come with me.
- Can't.
Unless you say there's cake.
- There isn't cake.
It doesn't matter to that part of my brain.
It'll go if you say there's cake.
- There's cake.
- Here we go! The alt-right is striking while the racism's hot, only this time in Stone Mountain, Georgia, in support of the Confederate Memorial Carving.
Tensions are high.
Someone needs to go down there and gloss things over.
- Not it.
- I'll do it.
- I'm gonna be down there anyway.
- No, you will not.
Sanders, keep him away from any cameras.
Oh, where the hell did he go?! Don't worry, I'll get him.
Jeff! Jeff!! I'd be happy to attend in your place, Mr.
President, if only so you can take the high road.
Ooh, the high road! Sounds like a great perch to insult people on the low road.
[grumbles.]
You're not voicing support?! You're letting Mike Pence storm your right flank and capture your suckling Confederate pups.
If this happened last week, I would've been down there calling them good men with valid points, but I no longer say out loud what I 100% believe.
To think, I was gonna name you godfather to my jumping spiders Nietzsche and Red Pill! [stomach rumbles.]
[groans.]
[Dr.
Conley.]
You're developing a blockage, it's getting worse, and you need immediate emergency surgery.
It's a three-hour procedure.
- What's this? - A letter that triggers the 25th Amendment and hands over power to the VP while you're in surgery.
Just enough time for Pence to push me out.
Sorry, Doc, I'd rather be buried with these quarters like some broke-ass King Tut.
[whistling.]
Screw your courage to the sticking place and we'll not fail! Karen, why in the name of Faith Hill are you sitting in darkness? It's time to start your 2020 campaign, Michael.
We could launch Trinkets for Troops and finally find out who killed JFK, Janny Franny Karlarny, my elderly neighbor growing up.
No! Donald's my buddy.
I won't do it.
People don't waterboard their buddies.
I told you, it's old-fashioned office ribbing.
This conversation's not worth the electricity.
[light switch clicks.]
Ooh, it's like I'm inside the tea kettle.
[music.]
[crowd.]
Hannity! It's day two of the Stone Mountain Patriots defending their heritage while open-carrying surface-to-air missile launchers.
Unlike after Charlottesville when Trump rightfully blamed both the murderers and the murdered, this time, he's M.
I.
A.
Joining us now is his adviser Stephen Miller.
Sean, I love more than anything to be in the scent radius of the President, but I must report that he has forsaken his duty to defend our tribe! Whoa! Hold on, Stevie.
He's probably just waiting for the perfect time to swoop in and stick little American flags in the marchers' neckbeards.
Wrong! Suddenly, he's too dignified to step into the slaughterhouse as opposed to Mike Pence, who's not afraid to dive face first into ground up cow anus.
All hail Mike Pence! [Pence.]
I'd be happy to attend in your place, Mr.
President.
[echoing.]
in your place, Mr.
President.
Oh! Mr.
President, what brings you here today? I was the perfect president, but then you convinced me to take the high road knowing full well it was bumpy and I was lying in the back trying like hell to eat soup! Sir, I don't know what you're talking about.
Is this from a movie? I've only seen two movies, and it was Mystic Pizza twice.
Everyone thought I was better than Lincoln, then you got me to talk like you.
Now they only think I'm as good as Lincoln.
Sir, again, I'm not trying to undermine you! I believe you, but I can't speak for Bolton.
[chuckles.]
Hi, there! You know what? The way this White House tortures me, maybe Karen's right.
Maybe I should run for president in 2020, if only to find out if the CIA really did kill Janny Franny Karlarny, my wife's elderly neighbor when she was growing up! Bravo.
Now we know where we stand.
Now give me your vice president badge and send in the animatronic gopher! [echoing.]
Send in the animatronic gopher! Send in the animatronic gopher! [tambourine jingles.]
We're here with Washington's hot new "it" boy Michael Pence, and he can call me "Mother" any time he likes.
I'm the president, and if anyone should be called "Mother," it's me.
Let's talk about the rumors.
Are you actually dating Gigi Hadid? Karen and I will be together until the end of days next week.
- I love love.
But this is why I'm here.
The American people should know that the President has my full loyalty, but I will challenge him for the Republican nomination in 2020.
- Hey-o! - You naughty! - Oh, I done did it! - Hold that thought, you sexy tiger.
We got the President on the line! Hey, we're here with your best friend, Mike Pence, trying to score some hot goss.
[President Trump.]
He's not my friend.
I bet he's sitting in my Oval Office chair right now, spinning around with his long blond hair flowing in the breeze.
- Sir, he's right here.
- I think this is all in your head.
Make-believe, if you will.
That's Brian Kilmeade saying that, so I would listen.
If you're listening, Mike, I will have my revenge in this life or the next.
That's from Gladiator.
It's a good movie, and I'm gonna go watch it right now.
When we come back, we'll meet a baker who refuses to bake anything for anyone.
[music.]
Okay, explain why I'm not currently sweating under nine blankets with a bowl of hot cheese under my chin.
Since you won't get surgery and cede power to Mike Pence, your stomach's gonna explode.
You look like a whale! That's very sweet that you're concerned with my health.
Daddy, we're more concerned that, when you explode, everything will be covered in undigested grape Slurpee.
Hello! I'm wearing a shirt! - That won't work.
- It's not gonna be enough.
You're gonna blow through it like tissue paper.
At the very least, we want you to sit in this storage container.
- Is there air in there? - Eric promised me he put air in there.
- Eric? - Yeah! Uh, just give me 20 minutes to check.
[music.]
[President Trump.]
My vice president wants my job, my children want to lock me in a storage container, and now everyone doesn't think I'm racist.
Here is my advice to thee.
The citizenry believes that legislators are good people when they stay above the fray.
But no one asks, is that indeed good? Is it good to look past the ugliness within? Maybe someone needs to make that inquiry.
Also, watch out for that Pence fucker.
He'll gut you like a portly grouper.
I know, right? - Yes, definitely.
- He's dumb.
- He is a fucker.
- Absolutely.
Hey, how are you talking to me anyway? You've had a 105 degree fever for a fortnight.
Sir? Is everything okay? [body thuds.]
Mr.
President? Mr.
President? Mr.
President!! [echoing.]
[dramatic music.]
Mr.
President? [groans.]
Sir, if we don't conduct this surgery now, you will die.
Sign the letter triggering the 25th Amendment.
You'll only be under for three hours.
[music.]
Why so sad? This is everything you wanted.
How will you demean the office first? De-escalate tensions with our strongest allies? [music.]
As much as I want to be president for a few hours, I want even more for my friend to be okay.
You need to listen to me.
Get the surgery.
[echoing.]
You need to listen to me.
listen to me.
listen to me.
Look, Mike, I hate to do this, but I need to listen to you.
I don't want your charity.
Give it to Mike Pence.
He's so poor, he believes in God.
We're totally throwing a party.
It's gonna make Mnuchin's party look like Mike Pence's personality.
[muffled.]
I hate my stupid cabinet! Why can't they all be like Mike Pence?! As loyal and dumb as a basset hound! Mike, let me just say, you look dynamite.
Like a Norman Rockwell painting came to life and won a shopping spree at a hotel lobby clothing store.
Tell me America loves me, you stubborn, fucking asshole! [music.]
I'll get the surgery, but I want my eyes on Mike Pence through the whole thing because he's my best friend.
'Cause we were meant to fly [screaming.]
Things may fall But we will still be standing tall And it's a glorious day here in Stone Mountain, Georgia, where the alt-right, the proud boys, the Lieutenants Of Christendom, Soldiers For A Caucasian Future, and straight-up Nazis alike have gathered to protect their heritage.
I'm being told that Mike Pence will be giving a speech.
There's someone who can deliver my message without making you squint to see its meaning.
[Hannity.]
Hold on to your hoods! President Trump is here to address the crowd! [crowd booing.]
Wow.
These usually peaceful hatemongers are riled up today, folks.
I cannot sit down because a surgeon just crossed my southern border to fix a blockage without any anesthesia.
[man.]
Why would you do that? Allow me to explain.
[music.]
This country has always had a blockage, as well.
Beneath our soaring platitude is a whole bunch of ugly stuff we'd like to pretend isn't there, but, at any moment, could explode and make a big mess.
I'm assuming they don't make America-sized storage containers.
[man laughs.]
Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought that was a joke.
That brings me to Mike Pence.
We believe the same things, but unlike him, I don't hide it with flowery language and a fuddy-duddy personality.
I wear my colon on my sleeve.
You may not see my face on any flattering White House portraits, but one day, you will see it carved into this mountain! [cheering.]
Bravo.
Keep up the great work, racists! - He's talking about us! - We'll do our best! - [crowd chanting.]
Trump! Trump! - Jeff! Get your ass over here, or I'll kick your nuts off! [music.]
[President Trump.]
We didn't pass the Fair Elections Act.
It's hard to push through legislation when you're being photobombed by a 70-foot Robert E.
Lee.
That's okay.
With my words and your gumption, we'll pass many other civil-rights-limiting - freedom acts.
- Mike, I'm really sorry about having Bolton waterboard you.
At least he didn't torture you.
No apologies necessary.
I briefly led you astray.
Let's call it even.
Dad, are you racist again? - It's okay.
- I am racist again, and that's never gonna change.
- Rock on, Dad! - Daddy's back! - Yeah! - That's my dad! Hey, Pence, this is kind of a special moment.
Would you mind getting the fuck out of here? Of course.
If you need me, I'll be looking the other way.
['80s-style pop music.]
Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump is the president Is Donald Trump the president? Yes, he is Yes, he is, we elected him president Is Donald Trump the president? Yes, he is We had a vote and elected him president Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump He is our president We made him president We did it Donald Trump is the president We elected Donald Trump Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump is the president Yeah Trump!