Our Cartoon President (2017) s01e17 Episode Script


1 [man.]
This just breaking now.
President Trump's campaign manager Paul Manafort and his personal lawyer Michael Cohen are each guilty of eight criminal counts that will result in jail time.
You know, I always thought this whole investigation was a nothing burger, but now it's starting to feel like a burger burger.
Before this plane lands, we need a response that isn't you pretending you only speak Portuguese.
You're being compared to Nixon, and not just because of your flop sweat and sexless marriage.
Because of impeachment! Hello.
You can't impeach a sitting president.
- You're thinking of "indict.
" - Wrong.
I'm thinking of cake.
Just stick to the message that Cohen is a liar.
Why am I dragging myself into this? See ya at the hearings! Just get Giuliani, tell him to pump himself full of Mountain Dew, sew his mouth down the middle, and say two things at the same time.
Sir, do you think it's a good idea to put Rudy on TV? Okay, Rudy's on TV, everybody.
There is no law in the jungle, and that works okay.
What, are you gonna throw all the elephants behind bars? Prisons are crowded enough as it is! Do you think Robert Mueller would give me immunity? [man.]
And more breaking news.
During Michael Cohen's guilty plea, he said he committed crimes at the behest of the President.
Must be the turbulence and not the walls closing in on me.
- Sir, are you feeling all right? - Oh, yeah.
Uh, hey, is this plane getting smaller? Because this fuselage feels like a drinking straw.
I hate to say the obvious, but have we thought about a War! Oh, my God! Of course! What are you thinking? Croatia? Iceland? They got Muslims there, right? We'll find out when we dig through the rubble.
That's my cue.
I can't lie about what I don't know! Oh, God.
I need legal advice.
You know who's just the lawyer to help me out of this jam? Michael Cohen.
Darn it! [title music.]
Melania! The fly is back! [Melania.]
Shut up, you big baby! 1x17 - Militarization America is full of everyday heroes policemen, firefighters, wounded veterans and the oft-forgotten, but most important of all, our glistening '80s action movie stars! - [man.]
Whoo! - The movie? Bloodsport.
The year? 1988.
Elite American super soldier Jean-Claude Van Damme is kicking the shit out of some Chinese guys and Sir, there's been a train derailment outside Kansas City.
Hello? I'm in the middle of something! Anyways, put your hands together for the stars of Bloodsport! [clapping.]
I said, "Da-da-da-DAA! Bloodsport!" I ask you to reunite one simple kung-fu cast, and you don't.
I ask you to make the Blue Angels skywrite my security briefings, and you don't.
If you would like to blame me, sir, I'm always looking for an excuse to self-flagellate.
Sir, we would do what you say, but some of your quirkier ideas either don't make sense or violate the Geneva Conventions.
Your job isn't to decide if what I say makes sense.
Your job is to do what I say.
If I say, "Jump," you say, "Here's the cast of Bloodsport.
" President Trump's Bloodsport fail has Americans wondering, "Will Trump's lack of control collapse his administration?" Okay? And on the day he leaves office, will I dissociate from reality or finally take that cooking class or a combination of the two that ends with a Sur La Table chef wrestling a meat cleaver from my hands? Watch this space.
- Melania! - What? I was right in the middle of not spending time with you.
Do you ever feel like you're not in control? The last time I felt in control was 1995 when the stewardess on my flight to America asked if I would like chicken or pasta.
My father controlled everything I did which school I went to, which lead pipe I threatened the tenants with, - and I thought it was my time.
- You're totally in control.
Then why does my staff ignore my reasonable instructions to let Mike Ditka crash in the Situation Room? I said you're in control! Now go to sleep, you big leathery baby! But I'm not tired! So, I'm watching Bloodsport Hannity's picture-in-picture, of course, so he can watch the movie, too and I'm thinking, the sensei tells Jean-Claude Van Damme to do something, and he does it.
If you guys did that for me, I'd promote all of you to Vice President.
I could use the help appearing at funerals the deceased barred you from attending.
If you want to get your administration under control, you got to supercharge that military.
- Oh, my God.
- Broken record.
- Oh, Lordy.
- Hey, Rambo grew a mustache.
John, you're a nut.
Like I'm gonna turn my government into some kind of military regime.
Hey, multiple generals, get a load of this guy! I'm serious! Taxpayers pay for black helicopters, and they deserve to see them menacing their homes.
Big talk coming from someone who's never been in a war.
How am I supposed to enjoy watching a war if I'm busy being in it? I've thought about this idea for 12 seconds, and I've decided it's a no-go that's taking up my precious mental energy.
Now if you'll excuse me, I got to play out a feud with Mandy Patinkin in my head.
Three white people on a couch It's Fox & Friends And the ICE agent detained the entire quinceañera before the first slice of cake was cut.
I wish I had a bus that big! That's Fox & Friends for this morning.
Join us tomorrow when we meet a man who paints the American flag on people's houses whether they like it or not.
- And we're out.
- You won't believe what happened to me last night.
You gave your housekeeper the night off for her birthday? I was in the Lower East Side getting a late-night cup of joe so I could avoid sleep and the torturous dreams that come with it.
- I hear that! - But this SJW barista wouldn't serve me, even though they'd only been closed for 45 minutes! I yelled at her so hard, you'd have thought she was a lesbian couple not pulling out of a parking space quick enough.
And you know something? It felt great! It's too bad we never get to have violent tirades on air.
I want to show my range everything from joyful sadism to angry sadism.
I don't even know how to scream anymore.
Aa-u-uh! Is that the scream? [Sanders.]
Sir, it's time we discuss the logistics of your military parade.
By "military," I meant the usual streamers and sassy outfits, just with more people tearfully saluting me.
We've prepared a half-dozen flyovers, a couple of military reunions, all heterosexual, of course, and a float in honor of Lee Greenwood's discography.
Wow! Is there anything left in the budget? - $30 million.
- Jesus! That's more than I'm wor a percentage of what I'm worth.
It would be quite the gesture to donate the rest to the VA.
Don't be cute.
Let's flood Dupont Circle - and get some submarines in there.
- Sir, to combat protesters, we've lined the streets with mace cannons, which we will demonstrate now with a masochistic volunteer.
I, an SJW, find violent regime change triggering! [screaming.]
I am finally alive! [music.]
Hannity! President Trump, if you're watching and the fizzy sensation in my nipples tells me you are I have great news.
The cast of Bloodsport is hog-tied in my trunk, ready to lead your military parade! I am fed, diapered, and eager to zigzag 120 miles an hour down the turnpike straight to the White House! - Thanks, Sean! - For the remaining 55 minutes of the broadcast, here's beautiful, hypnotic footage of obedient marching.
Despite being 50% blueberry pie filling, my boy Kim Jong-un knows how to bend humans to his will.
Come on! Almost! - Come on! - Bolton, what are you doing? Oh, hey, Mr.
Just trying to jimmy open the ol' nuclear football.
You might have a point about this military thing.
I get to be on the last float of the army parade dressed as Santa.
Making America a military wonderland would be a beautiful thing.
Did you know that some toll booths aren't even armed with machine-gun turrets yet? John, let's make America one big military parade in my honor.
Do we have a chief commander who can run this whole thing? We have a Commander-in-Chief.
I have a picture of him right here.
I'm Commander-in Chief? Of course, ya big goof! You run the military! Whatever you tell them to do, they do it.
[whimsical music.]
Wanna rule your nation? Militarization Puts you in control You could end the Mueller investigation No more legislation No more immigration If you don't like the press Make violent arrests at the TV stations Move the Capitol to Mar-a-Lago - And make princes of your sons - Hell yeah! Have some tanks patrol Chicago Arm your meter maids with machine guns [imitating gunshots.]
Well, you shouldn't have parked there! Bomb a sovereign nation Skip the explanation Rule until you're dead and never leave your bed With militarization [laughs.]
All right.
Sounds good.
We've already injected the military into everyday American life camouflaged school resource officers, camouflaged traffic police, TSA agents in camo.
But we can do more and urge Congress to pass the Military Expansion Act, which would arm health inspectors with hand grenades, teach toddlers in swim classes how to silently rise from the water with a knife between their teeth, and so on.
And the best part is all orders will efficiently come from the President, me! [man.]
Whoo! I don't know this guy, but I love him! Will all due respect, get bent, you jingoist war-cow! I've never served my country, and I'm not about to start.
H-hey, I get that some of you might be nervous about irrevocably altering our government.
But let me reassure you, dissenters will be executed.
Whoo? [music.]
Sean, our full-scale military coup is bound to have hippy-dippy dissenters, - so I need media reinforcement.
- Say no more.
When one of your newly armed teachers accidentally shoots a class bird, I will do 90 minutes on the Clinton Foundation's love affair - with al-Baghdadi.
- Perfect.
Now, those Fox & Friends guys, I love 'em to death, but they're not exactly state-run TV.
I need you to froth 'em up for me, buddy.
When I am done with them, they'll be spewing fire and the occasional national weather report.
Oh, yeah, gotta have the weather report.
As requested for your military parade, we're giving the Washington Mall a much-needed makeover.
Behold! Oh, what I wouldn't give to nest in that nostril.
Does PEZ come out of the mouth? Shut up, Eric! Does PEZ come out of it, Dad? If it doesn't, someone screwed up.
And why didn't we replace the Lincoln Memorial with a bronze of me in a hammock? For some reason, Congressional Democrats blocked it, sir.
You try and try to be a good dictator, and some people make it so difficult.
Three white people on a couch It's Fox & Friends Good morning! It's Fox & Friends! How is your morning, Girl Brian? I found a puppy tied outside a diner and claimed it as my own! And you didn't even have to buy a soup! What a deal! Okay, that wasn't Fox & Friends.
That was Fox and Fry My Eyeballs.
From now on, this show's gonna be loud, proud, and LOUD! You're in luck, because tomorrow we've got a performance from the Liberty University Straight Men's Chorus.
Is your brain made of fish-tank pebbles, Steve? I want you so fired up, your viewers' dogs bark until they pass out! - So no more puffy language? - No more smiling? Your dimples are fired.
Your script will be all caps and will be read that way.
- Finally! - Fin-al-ly! Finally! Little lag there.
Time to take my brain to the Geek Squad.
Don't worry about Democratic resistance, Mr.
They've never heard of the burrito strategy.
What's the burrito strategy? I eat a burrito and then I eat another burrito? Whenever Congress believes our nation is under attack, they cede power to the White House.
Gulf of Tonkin, USS Maine.
We start this burrito fire and let the revolution begin! Do I get to eat the burrito afterward? - It'll be a pile of black ash.
- Answer the question.
Okay, repeat after me.
"I'm glad that immigrant doctor was dragged off that bus!" [all.]
I'm glad that immigrant doctor was dragged off that bus! Ooh! Dr.
Bus! Jesus, you're all softer than a kitty cat choking on a dryer sheet so cute! We're trying, Sean, but outwardly expressing our internalized anger is so new to us.
- Our rage is candy-coated.
- Our show is like a fun airline.
Our viewers are the passengers, and I'm the stewardess rapping about seat belts.
Then let's do it "method.
" Stanislavski! Doocy, you think of that barista refusing you caffeine.
Ainsley, think of your employers accidentally calling you "Greta.
" Brian, think about thinking.
Now try it again! [all inhale deeply.]
[both, angrily.]
I'm glad that immigrant doctor was dragged off that bus! RUN THAT ILLEGAL OVER WITH THE BUS! Like music to my big, fat ears.
[President Trump.]
Today's burrito fire is America's darkest hour, a crime against humanity surely committed by a combination of ISIS, MS-13, and El Yummo Rico's Frozen Chimichangas.
To respond swiftly and completely, we must fold all three government branches into one big Trump galactic military empire branch.
[Congress boos.]
Eat my ass! Democracy prevails! The blue wave is coming! In no less than six years, that Oval Office is ours.
Oh, ho! Hit 'em with it, Trumpy! I am so sorry.
I completely forgot you guys don't support the troops.
[all murmuring .]
Oh, no.
The troops? Of course we do.
- Son of a bitch.
- I support the troops! I-I swear to God! I'll vote for anything! [applause.]
Oh, you do support the troops.
Yay! THREE WHITE PEOPLE ON A COUCH IT'S FOX & FRIENDS And after that 15-minute moment of rage-fueled silence to honor our glorious flag, let's kick off Donald Trump's military parade! Rise and salute or be buried alive! [screams.]
Now please put your hands together for the War Mongers Who Never Served float! - Is that a Smurf?! - No! It's a balloon featuring Internment Camp Blueprints.
Don't forget, folks tonight at sunset, it's the Flashback-Inducing Fireworks Display! And here comes our brave, noble, fashion-forward Commander-in-Chief himself, Donald J.
Trump! [cheers and applause.]
Everyone's finally listening to me, and not just because they have a tank pointed at their heads.
Now, who wants to fire a cannon and see what happens?! [cheers and applause.]
Holy shit! We blew up the Library of Congress! [cheers grow louder.]
I am just so happy that America is on the path to peace, the peace that comes with death.
Very soon we will march our armies across the globe for a new cold war.
Trench foot's back, baby, and it's smellier than ever! [aggressive cheering.]
That was the best day of my life since I paid off that drone pilot to vaporize my neighbor's gaudy deck umbrella.
Hey, John, all that war stuff? It was just some harmless violent mob stoking, right? Nope! The plan's always been to fit every single American with a uniform - then invade the planet.
- Oh.
I kinda thought this was to get my staff to listen to me.
We did listen to you, and that's why high schools now only offer one foreign-language class - wind-talking.
- But isn't war muddy? I mean, everyone's trying to save Matt Damon, but they get the wrong Matt Damon, then you run out of popcorn in the middle of the war, and you have to go get more, but they stopped making popcorn at 10:45 p.
Basically, isn't war hell? - War.
- War! - War! - War! - War! - War! [all chanting.]
War! War! War! - GREAT SHOW! - BRIAN KILMEADE! [screams.]
[all screaming.]
Hey, guys, is anyone feeling a little on edge? Yeah.
To get out all my anger, I had to join a backyard wrestling league.
I chased down Ainsley's new dog and ate it.
- So that's how he died.
- Yes, I ate the dog.
I thought I would like being angry, but it's turning me into a real wackadoodle.
I miss calling Kirsten Gillibrand a Muslim with a smile so big, my veneers fuse.
We all agree we should bomb the Middle East, but did you know there's a place with even more resources and villagers? China! It's time they answer for our debts.
- What the hell are you suggesting? - Asian Invasion, baby! It makes sense, and it rhymes, so you know we're gonna sell a ton of merch.
China? I-Isn't that where Bloodsport was filmed? Hey, Donald, why don't you wait outside until we finish planning this war? Then we'll invite you back in when the pens come out.
- I wanna stay! - And I want to invade China.
We can't all have what we want, except for me.
And although his hot tub might be full of algae, that old man found solace knowing his pool boy was deported.
When we come back, your son looks completely normal.
- Is he on drugs? - And the Liberty University Straight Men's Choir sings a requiem to my dog.
- I ate the dog.
- Clear! What the hell was that?! Ainsley, you barely talked above 60 decibels! And, Doocy, when you said, "Michael Avenatti is holding Desmond Tutu hostage," your face didn't even turn gray! Sean, we decided we have to do us, which is you but with less-dilated pupils.
I berated demeaning instructions at you for hours, and this is how you repay me?! Are you gonna shatter that camera lens with conspiracy-fueled screaming, or should I find three other stooges to be the President's daytime mouthpiece?! I have my answer.
Good luck to you all.
Aw! Good luck! [music.]
All I wanted was a little more control in my life, and what I got was a World War with the people who make my ties.
My poor little ties.
You thought the nation was just gonna lift a bunch of weights and not want to punch a sleeping homeless person on the subway? Tell you what, we wipe China off the map, and afterwards, if you don't like it, we'll never do it again.
I said no! And you have to listen to me! I'm the Commander-in-Chief.
I'm the Commander-in-Chief.
- Look.
- Heh! Nice try, John.
I've looked at every reflective surface I've ever passed, so I know that's a mirror.
The wheels of war are turning, and if you want to stop them, it's going to take work.
- Is that what you want? Work? - No.
I guess not.
[suspenseful music.]
Sir, I got a new stack of war declarations for you to consider.
This one would flatten Germany, justified by their previous track record.
And this one's to napalm Mt.
Everest and make the unrecognized state of Tibet even more unrecognizable.
Why can't we just do a civil war? Everyone's already armed, people could still have dinner with their families.
Ugh, Sarah, can you get me some KFC? Unfortunately, they've become a weapons manufacturer "Kentucky Fieldwork Cluster-munitions.
" If it's any consolation, they still have the same code to use their bathroom.
You don't need those guys! You don't need 'em! You're Stevie Nicks, baby.
You can do it all with the power of Hannity and Friends.
In three, two, one.
Three white people on a couch.
It's Fox & Friends.
Welcome back to Fox & Friends.
That's right! It's Hannity! And filling in for those bloodless traitors are my spiritually conjoined twins, Sebastian Gorka and Alex Jones.
Good dawn, Sean! It is I, Gorka! Sunlight is poison, okay?! And my Alpha Power pills are the only cure! Temperate weather today in the Northeast, all but confirming that "Climate Change" is a liberal myth perpetuated by Janeane Garofalo! I'll go one further, Sean, and say mild weather is the beginning of the long-prophesied solar flare of Attila that will darken and cool the Earth for a thousand annus! Seasons are a simulation, the equator is flat, and the Earth is a spinning disk that will soon be engulfed by interdimensional warlocks! We have confirmation from reddit's manga page! Whew! Pace yourself, guys.
We got three hours.
Come on.
Coming up, our ethno-crepes cooking segment hosted by Stephen Miller and a shackled Bobby Flay.
[laughs evilly.]
IT'S FOX & FRIENDS [sighs.]
I thought militarizing the government would give me control.
No, no, keep talking.
The expired meatball is just doing his thing.
But now Bolton is deciding everything for me what I wear, what I eat, what stretch of Estonian tundra I use for a black site.
Why don't you figure this out literally anywhere else? You're right, Melania.
I'm gonna go for a drive.
[soft, dreamy music.]
[horn honks.]
Asshole! Feeling suffocation About militarization Tearing up the Mall Should I reinstall democratization? [door opens.]
A tank rolls through a Hardee's and then the National Mall? I thought I'd find you here.
Kelly, why do we have to blow up China? Can't I just threaten to blow up China on Twitter like I used to? Have you told Bolton how you feel about this? - He has ears, you know.
- He doesn't listen! He's always yapping "Bomb Iran" and "Too late; I bombed Iran.
" Mr.
President, you can have all the bombs in the world and we pretty much have for the last hundred years but that doesn't make you in control.
- What do you know about the military? - I was in the military.
What? You never mentioned that.
I absolutely have.
And despite how it appears, we have even less control than you.
You know how many times I've tried to drone a hospital and ended up droning the wrong hospital? Right.
I mean, I like guns, and I like when things come out of guns.
But when it hits the guy? - I don't know.
It's scary.
- Great point, Mr.
The only way to truly feel in control is to control yourself.
Kelly, I'm not sure if you still work for me, but if you do, I'm glad.
Hannity, you're on in five.
Sean, I suggest we skip the weather segment and cut straight to my musings on jihad! What the hell are you doing, Sean? Aw, Sean, turn that frown inside out and make your gums your lips.
What are you doing here? We watched the show over white jazz brunch.
We could tell that by minute 30 you were in the midst of a psychological breakdown.
My schtick just doesn't work at 6:00 a.
People need an entire miserable day to build up to my rage.
Sean, we owe you an apology.
When you encouraged us to surrender our brains to the will of an erratic leader, we thought, "What could go wrong?" The answer was our emotional well-being and nothing else.
You know, we're two sides of the same nickel.
Your side is just a little more polished, and my side has Thomas Jefferson and everything he represents.
Why don't we go back to doing what we do best? [all.]
Journalism! [music.]
Just read exactly what the prompter says, and you'll finally be in control.
And now, a message from the President of the United States.
My fellow Americans, I declare I declare I I I can't do this.
There are many valid reasons to go to war cheap oil, natural-gas reserves, untapped petroleum but we weren't going to war for those reasons.
We were going because I wanted control, but a mushroom cloud, though it might look pretty and sound tasty, isn't control.
True control is controlling yourself, and I am in con [rumbling, clattering.]
Before you blame me, it that could be anyone's tank.
Three white people on a couch It's Fox & Friends Good morning.
It's Fox & Friends.
Our dimples are back, and our theme song sounds like Christian rock once more.
It's a glorious day for everyone but the cast of Bloodsport, which Sean Hannity left in his trunk for a week straight.
Ah, it's so nice to be back in this breathable luxury lambswool latex-blend suit.
Sir, we are back to DEFCON 5, or 1, or whatever the good one is.
- Am I in trouble? - Oh, John, I can't stay mad at you.
You're the only enemy I don't want to make.
I know about your list.
And I'm sorry for going off the handle like that.
I don't need to bomb the world.
Just Iran.
Bolton! W-What? But seriously, if we don't strike first, they will kill us.
['80s-style pop music.]
Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump is the president Is Donald Trump the president? Yes, he is Yes, he is, we elected him president Is Donald Trump the president? Yes, he is We had a vote and elected him president Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump He is our president We made him president We did it Donald Trump is the president We elected Donald Trump Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump is the president Yeah Trump!