Our Cartoon President (2017) s02e02 Episode Script

The Party of Trump

1 [O'Rourke.]
We all know why we're here.
We need to stop Joe Biden from running away with the Democratic nomination.
The stakes couldn't be higher If I don't get this president job, I gotta move back in with my mom.
[Booker.]
We gotta do something quick.
I promised my girlfriend that I was gonna be president! She said that's not why she likes me, but what else could it be?! If I just introduce one more policy, then that should catapult me to the top! Lizzy, you have a problem You gotta stop introducing policies! You're right.
This calls for a policy reduction plan 30% fewer policies by 2024! You're doing it again, Lizzy! I KNOW! BUT I CAN'T STOP! Whoa.
Hey.
Voters don't want to hear about policies that improve their lives.
Maybe Biden will stop campaigning if we tell every voter to shave their head so he has no hair to smell.
Ooh, I have a way to stop Joe Biden.
[all.]
Yes? You just gotta put a little fear in him.
Like I did to a silly assistant who forgot to charge my iPad.
I deleted his Social Security number and hired a family to move into his apartment so he thought he never existed.
Last time I saw him, he was tearing his clothes off and running into the forest! Stop it! You're scaring Pete Buttigieg! I need someone to stay in my room until I fall asleep.
I'll do it.
I usually stay up to 2 a.
m.
anyway searching my pockets for oyster crackers.
What about you, Bernie? You've taken a bigger hit in the polls than anyone.
Oh, I don't care about the polls or what I look like or if I'm giving a speech in the bathtub like a lunatic.
I just care about the one percent and never biting into a nectarine that isn't ripe! There's gotta be a way! Pete, you're the latest candidate voters are desperately projecting their hopes onto.
How do we take down Biden? I respect Biden, but he lacks experience.
For example, has he ever put L.
E.
D.
bulbs in the downtown traffic lights? Oh, I didn't know it was Bring Your Annoying Kid to Work Day.
Hey, Peter, Beto here's gonna show you how a copier works! I know how a copier works, okay? I wrote my thesis on how a copier works.
We could ask Mayor de Blasio, but he really sucks big-time.
Kamala, you seem like the only competent human being here.
What should we do? I say give the nomination to Joe.
He names me V.
P.
, I start practicing for my Mike Pence debate.
I might start right now "I'm a cop, Mike Pence! I have two Tasers.
One for each of your nuts!" If only we could combine all our strengths, Joe Biden wouldn't stand a chance.
[all.]
I got it! Here's a question from the audience.
How will you guarantee quality health care for every American? [Warren.]
We have developed the modern world's most comprehensive health-care plan.
[O'Rourke.]
And it also somehow solves global warming.
- [man.]
Yeah! - [tepid applause.]
And, Mr.
Biden, your health-care plan? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Let me get back to you on that one.
Hey! You guys remember Barack Obama?! I was his vice president! [cheers and applause.]
I'm Joe Biden! Joe Biden! I'm Joe Biden and that's it! - Damn it! - Damn it! [President Trump.]
Sorry! The title is redacted! I'm Wolf Blitzer, and when I shave, my beard screams.
President Trump has refused to resupply the International Space Station until Democrats approve a border wall that shoots flames shaped like Steven Seagal.
But the President caved after millions of schoolchildren watched starving astronauts resort to eating their treadmill.
Let's go live to the President.
Wolf? I'm dropping this fight, even though the astronauts told me that me getting my way was worth an orbiting tomb.
- Mr.
President? Mr.
President? - Yes, Jim Acosta? Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh criticized you for caving.
I don't have a question.
I just wanted to see you feel bad.
I didn't cave.
I punted.
The Dems will bobble the ball, I'll pick it up, score a touchdown, give the big halftime locker-room speech, tell my teammates, "This is our moment, this is our time.
" We come out screaming, win the game, we go party at Troy's lake house, I get my flaming border wall.
No more questions.
[Acosta.]
Just because you can't see us doesn't mean we can't see the top of your head.
- How about now? - Better.
Ooh! I hope Hannity's on Hannity tonight! Everyone, shut up! Whoo! That's him! After those pathetic astronauts undermined our president, I'm calling on all Americans to open fire at space! Joining me now, conservative provocateur and bat-winged guardian of Snake Mountain, Ann Coulter.
Maybe she's cool now.
- I'm not happy with the President.
- [gasps.]
Sean, the so-called "deplorables" got Trump elected, and if he's not willing to starve astronauts to keep out starving migrants, can he really call himself a conservative? [screams.]
I am sorry, Mr.
President.
I should've never brought on Slenderman's wife.
Swap her out, stat! [silly music plays.]
Ha! You got the goat! Ah-ha-ha! There he is! He's playing accordion! And look at it! [President Trump.]
Ann Coulter is the worst boss in the world.
Sir, the challenge of every dumb, fat president is to balance the moderates and the extremists.
You know, the fancies and the hill people.
The moderates and the extremists.
Someone just said that, Ben.
Yes, I just heard myself say it.
I hear myself saying stuff all the time.
Sometimes it's hard to listen to stuff I'm saying while thinking of new things to say.
- Even now, I'm just - Holy shit.
You see, being a conservative president is about riding two horses at the same time.
One horse is a spitfire named Ann Coulter who wants to trample poor people.
The other is a stallion named Mitt Romney, who wants to do the same thing, only while carrying a briefcase.
Is that a metaphor or do you know a horse that carries a briefcase? Forget Ann Coulter and the Deplorables.
You're gonna need support from vaccinated Republicans like Romney when the Democrats finally figure out - that treason is a crime.
- You're right! I'm pretty sure Romney loves me as much as someone who spends their last pennies mailing pipe bombs to George Soros.
[classical music plays.]
I don't like pandering to whackos like Ann Coulter.
I like pandering to you.
You're smart, savvy, eat five yogurts a day, refer to bad drivers as "buddy," all your teeth are the same tooth over and over again.
What I'm saying is you're great.
I appreciate that, Mr.
President, and I respect your office.
That's not how people talk, Mitt, but okay.
The Mueller Report accused me of some pretty baseless facts.
Can I count on your fanatical, unconditional support? Sir, my only loyalty is to my country, my God, and the truth.
Lookie here, Truthy! You know all that nice stuff I said earlier? I take it back! One tooth looks slightly different than the other teeth.
Sir, have you no decency? Oh, I have decency coming out my ass! [music stops.]
Excuse me.
"Anus.
" Geez! - [dong.]
- Dong! Fox News alert! I assume I'm dreaming, but cameras have just spotted President Trump and known French spy Mitt Romney out to dinner.
God willing, the President was just at a handjob parlor that shares a door with the restaurant and also gives to-go bags.
Joining me now is Ann Coulter Maybe it's a different Ann Coulter.
- author of "How to Cook a Liberal.
" - Damn it! The Romney dinner was a betrayal of every Trump voter, from alcoholic Jet Ski dealers to sunburned sheriffs.
The President takes us for granted, Sean.
He probably doesn't even want to shove fleeing refugees.
[tearful.]
That's a low blow, Ann! You know he does! [Mitt.]
Taggart Romney, what are you still doing up? It's nearly dusk.
I got a stomach ache from laughing too hard at a Popsicle joke.
How was your dinner with the President? Did you guys talk about the Constitution? I tried, but he was too busy using my hand to play that game where you stab the knife between your fingers real fast.
Then he asked for a loyalty pledge.
- [gasps.]
Did you call 911? - I did.
The dispatcher said a violation of decency was not an emergency and hung up.
Cat-scratches! What are you gonna do? The only thing I can do Shave my face three times and go to bed.
My party's being mean, and not even spaghetti in the steam room can cheer me up.
[steam hissing.]
E.
T.
? It's someone more lovable than E.
T.
Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross.
- Pffff.
- Don, I came here for two reasons.
One, if I don't steam naked every 36 hours, - my skin turns to puff pastry - Uh-huh.
and to tell you that when the Democrats' impeachment dogs are closing in, Mitt Romney ain't gonna defend you.
But Coulter and your army of screaming shut-ins will, just to own the libs.
So be the gross man they lost contact with their families over.
I can only try! [blissful music playing, click, TV turns off.]
Hey! We weren't done watching Little House on the Prairie! Laura just found a bottle in the creek! Due to the President's indecency, I barely slept 15 hours last night, so I've decided to speak out against him.
My hero! And when he resigns in shame, I'll reluctantly accept the nation's will and assume the office I've single-mindedly sought my entire life.
Prepare yourselves for the right-wingers to come at us pretty hard.
Are they gonna call us "snuggle worms"? [all whimpering.]
A dry sponge to your tongue for even the suggestion of it! [rock music playing, click, TV turns off.]
Hey! We weren't done watching Sex Town! The town was just about to have sex! Oh.
Sorry.
[click.]
[Mayor.]
Okay, Town, let's have sex! Family, I've decided to set aside my natural Ronald Reagan-esque decency and go balls deep on the deplorable wing of our party.
- Hell yeah! - You go, Daddy! What were we doing before? I'm just not sure I can be as gross as they need me to be.
I'll take this one.
Donald, I want you to listen to me.
You're the most disgusting man on Earth.
You're small-minded, you're selfish, you're cruel, you smell before, during, and after bathing, you're constantly stepping on my feet without realizing it, you sweat formaldehyde and piss tar, you crank-call homeless shelters to make them listen to you chew pizza in bed, and you poop when you sneeze.
You could've just said I could do it.
I'm going to become the most vile, detestable president in history so Ann Coulter will cut me some slack! I'm so glad your presidency is getting even more deplorable.
[tearful.]
Us dirtbags finally have a voice.
Shut up.
Thanks, Don.
But I gotta brush up on the basics.
That's why I've called a meeting with the dean of disgusting himself Rudy Giuliani.
So, what are we thinking, guys? Do we wanna get some oysters, wanna get a big mushroom, slap some nacho cheese on it, put our cigars out in it?! We need wine! Red wine! Thickest one ya got! I want it to come out like ketchup! By the time we leave here, they're gonna have to burn this tablecloth in the park.
[laughs, coughs, gulps.]
I swallowed the cigar again.
I do this so much, the doctor just taught me how to pump my own stomach.
Sick! This guy makes me sick! - More wine, you goddamn bastards! - [bottle shatters.]
Rudy, this is important.
Can you focus? I am focused.
I'm focused on the painting of the lady with huge knockers.
I cheated on my wife with a lady like that.
I weighed her knockers.
They didn't weigh the same.
Close, but I was still angry.
They should weigh the same! Rudy, I need to shore up my base! [gulping.]
Why didn't you say so? All right.
Here's what I'm thinking.
You, me, knockers painting, we go to Flashdancers, and I-I can't think in here! [gulping.]
[gavel bangs.]
[Mitt.]
Hear ye, hear ye.
To address the President's vile behavior, I call to order the inaugural meeting of the Decent Republicans Caucus.
Roll call.
Senator Susan Collins? Present.
I love to signal that I'm one of the good Republicans, disappear for two days, then vote a drunk sex maniac onto the Supreme Court.
Great.
First order of business, reclaiming our party from the filthy grip of Donald Trump.
- I'm all-in.
- Let's come out of the gate with a firmly worded, untelevised speech at the Lincoln Memorial on a Tuesday afternoon.
Huzzah! Great idea.
Just give me two days to think about it.
Hmm.
According to my notes, you said you were "all-in.
" Oh, I so am.
Just give me two days, then I'll say if I'm a "no" or a "maybe yes.
" Why do I sense that in two days you will flip on the issue? Is this the famous Mitt Romney sense of humor? I'm one of the good Republicans.
Who just needs two days.
[President Trump.]
Giuliani was completely useless.
I'm so glad he's only in charge of whether or not I go to jail.
Dad, I brought you a Republican that's an expert at poking a stick in the right wing's lizard brain.
Ted Cruuuzz! Anything to help the man who flew down to Texas days before my election and dragged my concussed, unresponsive body into the end zone! Ted, Ann Coulter friggin' loves your ugly ass.
How do you do it? Well, to keep the deplorables happy, ya never compromise! Even if it means a mob calling you a "rat bastard" and running you out of town so you seek refuge in a church, but the priest runs downstairs and beats you with a cross, so you hide in a 7-Eleven, but the lottery machine keeps spitting tickets with the number 6-6-6, so the clerk pushes you off a cliff, and a bus of little children stomp on your wormy fingers, screaming, "End the scum!" I don't know.
I don't wanna go to a church.
- Senator Collins? - [Collins.]
Who is it? Uh, Senator Mitt Romney.
It's been two days.
Have you decided if you'll join me in denouncing the President? [Collins.]
I need two more days.
What will be different in two days? It'll be two days from now.
Susan, are you committed to the mission of the Decent Republicans Caucus? Ring ring! Your wife just called and told me to tell you to go home.
What's my wife's name? Susan's mailbox is full.
Goodbye.
Stevie! Nobody embodies deplorable Republicans more than someone with your beautiful pulsing head.
Now, how do I make them love me forever? The pulsing is voluntary.
Now, take a look at this.
As a cute, little hobby, I measure the ultraviolet heat index of our most loyal screeching mole rats.
Now, here's where it got Chernobyl-level hot! [crowd.]
Lock her up! Lock her up! In conclusion, we should arrest Hillary Cli Dad! You should lock up Hillary Clinton! Great idea! Miller, our time on Earth is precious.
Stop wasting it.
[Hillary.]
That's when they called Wisconsin, and there was not a dry eye in the Javits Center.
How was your day? Ugh.
Spent the day trying to convince Ronan Farrow to report me to the FBI.
Hillary, I'm so tired of runnin'.
Oh, Bill, it's been 40 years.
I'm sure you'll never be held accountable for your actions.
[pounding on door.]
[man.]
FBI! Open up! Yippee! Come on in! I got cookies, I got cake! I am proud to announce that, tonight, the Federal Bureau of Investigation arrested Crooked Hillary for the crime of mega-treason, fulfilling one of my strongest and most deplorable campaign promises.
In 72 hours, she will receive a fair trial by combat.
She's fighting a dangerous jungle cat in the well of the House of Representatives.
Aren't we better than this? Wow! Every word out of her mouth just makes me more excited.
Today, I speak out in defense of decency.
Our most decent president, Ronald Reagan, once called the United States "a shining city on a hill.
" And it is my strong opinion that President Donald Trump has ever so slightly dimmed that light, no offense.
[man.]
Hey, podium boy! I'm trying to take a picture! Move! Oh, no.
Am I late? Did I miss it? Well, good job.
I've gotta go.
Your shoe fell off.
Keep it! I've got more! [Collins yelling.]
[Hannity.]
Folks, at long last, the streets are safe from Hillary Clinton! Leave your doors unlocked, put away the bazookas, and go ahead and flash your brights at people whose headlights aren't on without worrying about being targeted for a thrill-killing.
Ann, get in here.
Donald Trump has restored law and order, letting people know you can't just compete in a free election against him and get away with it.
Burn the paintings! Anything that doesn't have Trump's face on it isn't art! Hey, happy Hannity, happy life.
Mr.
President? Republican megadonor Sheldon Adelson wants to see you in the cabinet room.
Uh-oh.
[thunder rumbles.]
You know, if you wanted to compliment me, you could've just done it on the phone.
Sorry.
All I heard was the word "meat.
" Still only hearing "meat.
" [Adelson grumbles.]
Hello, Dangerous Donald.
Hello Dumb Hillary.
Sheldon Adelson says I should free you, Ann Coulter says I shouldn't, and you're the only person in the White House whose résumé isn't full of knockoff stereo scams.
What should I do? Oh, Donald.
You could have had it all.
A hotel in Moscow.
A television network.
And now look at you being torn apart by two wild horses.
Hey, if I wanted a psychiatrist, I would've taken the advice of everyone I've ever met.
Should I let you go? That's the kind of painful choice I do not have to make anymore, thanks to my tranquil new life inside this box.
Ohh.
You're so lucky.
What I wouldn't give to trade places with you.
Ah, you win again.
Art of the deal, baby.
Still got it.
[Mitt.]
An easy speech to deliver, it was not.
It was 63 degrees outside, well below the body's temperature, but I soldiered on.
Tell it again, Dad! Another day.
[blows.]
Let's check the news to see if the President soberly absorbed my comments and vowed to do better.
Hmm.
The President hasn't commented on my brave speech.
I'm sure he's just praying on it.
The President is not a man of faith.
He once told me that Jesus was good at computers.
Well, if one thing is certain, it's that I did everything I could.
If anyone needs me, I'll be standing quietly in the garage.
[narrator.]
And now a message from the President of the United States.
So, two things.
One, the nation is getting bagels on Friday, so that's good.
[clapping.]
Two, I know the fake news said that Hillary tricked me into locking myself in here, but actually, I did it because a melting billionaire told me to.
Then I goofed around and got burned.
Anyways, Pompeo's out buying bolt cutters.
Enjoy those bagels! I love my president, but how could he just let Hillary go?! I was wrong to endorse Donald Trump in the books I write for people to read on airplanes that let everyone know they're going to be a handful.
I'm calling on the Republican Party to find a new candidate and, if need be, I will enter the race! Holy crap! Coulter and Trump both running for prez?! It's like you're each holding a treat and I'm the puppy deciding whether to live at Mom's house or Dad's house! This is a real bummer after all those nice things you said to motivate me.
You're a thief, a cheat, a racist, a terrible Pictionary player, you leave your ass hairs all over the toilet seat All right.
I think we've got enough gas in the tank, Melania.
[hollow knocking.]
Susan? Uh, your staff informed me that in order to avoid me, you've sealed yourself inside a wall.
[Collins.]
Susan's not here right now.
I'm a smart wall.
Beep-boop! Your toothpaste order has shipped.
[sighs.]
You should know that I've decided to leave the Decent Republicans Caucus.
[half-heartedly.]
Oh, what? No.
Will you carry the torch forward, proud and tall? Can't.
No hands.
I'm a wall.
I understand.
I have failed my family, my country, my favorite brand of digestive biscuits, and my God.
And I'm deeply sorry.
[Collins.]
I have to get out of this wall.
Unless staying in the wall polls better.
Wait for the data, Susie.
[Don Jr.
.]
I said, "Go to wherever they filmed The Hangover Part II!" Hangover Part II now! - Don, what are you doing? - Running away! I bought a friggin' tiger, and now we're not even gonna feed Hillary to it! Just put the tiger in the East Room.
I'm sure one of my cabinet members will come by and shoot it.
I know.
That's not my concern.
When you became a deplorable slimeball, I finally felt heard, not only as a voter, but as a son.
But it turns out, you're just another upstanding member of polite society.
So I'm going to the Hangover Part II place, where I'll be treated like a synthetic weed-smoking god.
Fine, Don, but don't come back unless you bring me a cool souvenir, like a T-shirt that says, "I Live at the Corner of 'Kiss My Ass Avenue' and 'No Friggin' Way'.
" What if he never comes back with that shirt? [narrator.]
Donald Trump claims he's deplorable, but does his record support it? Did you know that his 18-person cabinet is packed to the brim with three women? Sure, he arrested Hillary Clinton, but he broke his promise to feed her to a tiger.
[tiger roars.]
In 2020, we need a candidate whose neo-fascism is not for sale.
Paid for by the Draft Ann Coulter for President Committee.
I feel pretty stupid for donating 10,000 bucks to that committee.
Boys, Daddy Romney has realized that Republican decency is dead and so, to claw my way to the presidency as God ordained, I must take on some pretty repulsive behavior.
Are you going to tie a Starburst wrapper into a knot with your tongue to prove you're a good French kisser?! I don't want you to see me like this.
Promise you'll sleep for the next 72 hours.
You heard Dad.
To the family bed! Go! Go! Go! [Mitt.]
Hello, fellow MAGA heads.
You know what I don't like? Immigrants.
A-And you know what I do like? Children armed to the teeth.
I know all the cursed words, and I say them frequently.
[groans.]
I don't feel good.
[clears throat.]
I like women with small brains and large breasts.
[gulps, inhales deeply.]
I have big hands and a corresponding big johns [vomits wildly.]
[man.]
Whoa! Mitt Romney's barfin'! Oh, yeah! [steam hissing.]
God damn it! Why won't you cheer me up, spaghetti?! [choking, gulps.]
[groans.]
[divine music plays.]
Um Hmm? [horse neighs.]
Well, hello, Mr.
Trump.
Hollywood starlet Ronald Reagan? Wow! So this is heaven.
You had a 50/50 shot, but, uh, no.
[distant screaming.]
Listen to me, Donald.
Everyone's been telling you the Republican Party has two horses and you need to ride them both.
But the party is actually one horse with two different heads.
What's the, uh, penis situation? For decades, the buttoned-up, good Republican presidents have enacted modern history's grossest policies The War on Drugs, ending welfare, couple of Iraq Wars, and ignoring the AIDS crisis.
That last one was you.
In a way, they were all me, and I'm not ashamed of it, either.
See, an inner-grossness connects all Republicans, even you.
Now, go, Donald.
Be the grossest Republican you can be.
Oh, and one more thing.
Yes, sir? [echoing.]
AIDS isn't real.
[horse neighs.]
[grunts.]
Ugh! Hunh! Thanks, Wilbur.
Oh, you're not dead.
I just saw a corpse and wanted to kick it.
Dad, are you okay? My outrageous MAGA rally got me invited to Gene Simmons' birthday party.
It's "bring your own lube.
" Do we have any Wesson oil? You're attending?! These are the sorts of events I must attend to survive in the Republican Party.
Dad, don't lose faith.
The Grand Old Party still has room for decency.
Just look at its history The War on Drugs, ending welfare, all those Iraq Wars, and ignoring the AIDS crisis.
I guess we always have been on the right side of history, haven't we? Tagg, I used to think the two G's in your name stood for "Good Guy.
" Now I know they stand for "Great Guy.
" What are you doing back? I ran over some guy with a speedboat in Thailand.
I was pretty sure he was already dead.
Anyways, I had to take the first flight back.
Don, I had you, the party, all of it, all wrong.
We're all deplorable, especially Ronald Reagan.
He armed the Taliban.
Shut up! I thought Reagan was a nerd.
Now, we need to show this party that they don't have to choose between being deplorable and being good Republicans.
Has anyone shot the tiger yet? John Bolton grazed it, so it's super-pissed! Tell Attorney General William Barr we need a warrant to arrest Hillary Clinton! But what if he won't sign it? Ah, never mind.
He sent over some blanks this morning.
[President Trump.]
Before we get this show on the road, I want to say that Ronald Reagan was right.
America is a shining city on a hill.
But when you get up close, you notice that it's only shining because there's a bunch of fake gold, illegal fireworks, and pervs experimenting with flammable lubricants.
I guess what I'm saying is, as much as the GOP pretends it's not, it is, from top to bottom, super duper gross.
In honor of this rich tradition, please direct your attention to the most vivid representation of our ideals Hillary Clinton being fed to an agitated tiger! [cheers and applause.]
Yeah-ah-ah! Washington is finally working for me! [tiger growls.]
That's one big Pokémon.
Stop That's not true, Mr.
President! This is the party of decency.
[all booing.]
[man.]
Yeah, fuck you! When Reagan said we're a shinning city, he meant you got to look at this country from far away, using binoculars, standing on the balcony of your really nice house, and that's why decency will always w [tiger snarls.]
Oh, snuggle worms.
[Mitt screaming.]
Oh, no.
Did I miss it again? Wish I could help.
Gotta go.
Whoa.
For a boring guy, Mitt's got a lot going on inside of him.
[McConnell.]
After what you did to Hillary, there isn't a Republican alive that would abandon you.
I'm proud of you, Dad.
Hey.
Check it out.
Aw.
Thanks, Don.
Well, Hillary may have gotten away, and Mitt Romney might still be clinging to life, but at least I showed that any Republican who acts like they're better than me is absolutely kidding themselves.
I just want to tell everyone sorry that I put the family through yet another trying ordeal.
Aw.
It's okay.
The important thing is you stood up for what's right.
And I learned that when it comes down to it, the most decent thing anyone can do is not make a big fuss.
[all.]
Hooray! Oh, what happened to your face? Did you fall? Anyways, I've made my decision on whether to stay in the Decent Republicans Caucus.
And? I'm not gonna do it.
I'm a coward.
['80s-style pop music plays.]
Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump is the president Is Donald Trump the president? Yes, he is Yes, he is, we elected him president Is Donald Trump the president? Yes, he is We had a vote and elected him president Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump He is our president We made him president We did it Donald Trump is the president We elected Donald Trump Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump is the president Yeah Trump!