Our Cartoon President (2017) s02e03 Episode Script

Culture War

Madame Speaker! We need to open an impeachment inquiry into President Trump! - Damn it! - The Mueller Report showed clear evidence he obstructed justice, and now he refuses to comply with a single subpoena, honey.
Sorry, but the focus groups don't want impeachment.
And Americans never change their minds.
That's why Ricki Lake is still the queen of daytime TV! Senator Elizabeth Warren here, out of breath as always.
Can anyone just walk into the House Chamber? I want to lend my voice to the chorus of voices calling for impeachment.
Sounds great.
Eat shit.
Byeee! It's the right thing to do! Look, I'd love to do impeachment, but I have to compete in the Goodwill Games tomorrow, so Nancy, they don't do those anymore.
I have to go I just heard the sun and moon are switchin' places! If that's true, the birds would be going nuts.
Uhp! We just lost the lease on Capitol Hill.
Just impeach him, you stubborn bastard! We can't impeach him because I love him! Nancy, I know he's hot, but he's with Melania now.
- What am I even saying? - I'm trying to impeach him, but no one here will let me! [OCASIO-CORTEZ.]
Madame Speaker, if I may we must put the Constitution over polls, justice over expediency, and let it be known to future generations that, in America, no honey is above the law, honey! Next up, Game of Thrones written by women! [PELOSI.]
Okay, I've heard enough.
Now I understand that I must rise to this moment in history, honor my oath to the Constitution, and get the eff out of here! [CONGRESSMEMBERS BOOING.]
I know it sounds crazy, but I'm still not budging.
There are good letters on both sides.
Ahhh, there's nothing better than home TV after a long day of work TV.
Even better Nerd Hannity is on! Tonight on Tucker Carlson our economy was founded by men for men to make more men.
So why are women still producing daughters? Just to be annoying? We'll investigate after this.
It's Common.
Child detention, white supremacy.
President Trump has destroyed this nation, but from the ashes, we will rise.
A message from Yummy Time Pizza.
Tell SEAL Team Six to capture Yummy Time Pizza's CEO.
Remember any loss of pizza is considered a loss of life.
Relax, Dad.
It's just a pizza place.
It's a pizza business, and I'm the pro-business President.
Corporations are supposed to be my friends.
Well, at least you still got me, Dad.
Way to kick a man when he's down, Don.
At least I still got some pro-Trump businesses Hobby Lobby, NASCAR, Lizard Wholesalers.
Actually, Lizard Wholesalers switched sides when you dug that mass grave and refused to say why.
Ugh! It's hopeless.
And to think, me and business used to be best friends [PRESIDENT TRUMP.]
The year was 2017, and I had not one, but two business advisory councils.
Boy, did we have some laughs.
"Ohh, I'm the rainforest.
Businesses are chopping me down.
Shut up! [LAUGHTER.]
But seriously, whatever you want to do is hella cool.
And then all I said was "I likey the Nazis," and, suddenly, my business friends were gone.
I've done so much for businesses Giving tax breaks, saying factories no longer need more than one exit And still Nike, Gillette, and now Yummy Time Pizza don't have my back.
Sir, don't give up.
Now about we have Mike Pence do what he did with the NFL and apply pressure with a taxpayer-funded toothless protest? It's the only thing he's good at, besides entering a room unnoticed.
Oh, my God! Good idea.
Mike, go out there and make a pitiful ass of yourself so I can save face.
When I hear the words "pitiful A-S-S," I know it's my time to shine! Now, remember, Karen, we're going to order the pizza, pay for the pizza, and then leave the pizza.
It's like I'm in a play! Oooohh! We'd like one pizza with the pepperonis spelling, "I support our President.
" What's my line? I forgot my line! Line! - Uh, we don't do that here.
- Oh, my! [GASPS.]
Karen, gasp.
That was Vice President Pence and Second Lady Karen before she had to be re-oxygenated at a local hospital.
The event has sparked a viral trend among Trump supporters who have been flushing Yummy Time pizzas, clogging their own plumbing, and hurting no one but themselves.
Mom? Tonight, I'll be reading New York District Court transcripts that you'll listen to tomorrow in the shower from your iPhone propped up on top of the toilet.
But first, Vice President Joe Biden is here for "The Interview.
" Rachel, God love ya, if only I was ten years younger and your hair was ten inches longer.
I'm being told your campaign manager is trying to unplug the studio.
Now, how will you unite the fractured Democratic Party? Because Sorry to interrupt, honey, but the Democrats aren't fractured.
We're unified behind my optimistic vision of lowering taxes, ending welfare again, and sending pot dealers to the death house! Actually, Cory Booker talks about criminal-justice reform, and Elizabeth Warren pledged to tax the rich.
Oh, they'll come to their senses.
Hey, billionaires gotta eat, too.
- Now, how 'bout a hug? - Wow.
You are bad at this.
Companies would be crazy to get political after Pence went beast mode on Yummy Time Pizza.
We believe all people are created equal.
Seafood Shack.
When others build walls, we build community.
Tire Supply Liquidators.
Democracy is in peril, and the darkest storms are yet ahead.
Come on down to Bouncy's Trampoline Park! Whoa! What is going on? After the Yummy Time Pizza ad drove their profits up 30%, everyone went all-in on anti-you.
Not "everyone.
Ha, ha, hi! I'm Mike Lindell, the inventor of My Pillow! [FEMALE ANCHOR.]
That's the famous commercial starring Mike Lindell.
He's had an untraditional rise to business success.
Yeah, I used to be addicted to crack! But after I went two weeks with no sleep, my dealers intervened, I found Jesus, built the largest pillow company in America, and now I'm best friends with President Trump! Is that the guy who keeps chasing my motorcade? Oh, yeah.
"Medicare for all"? Are these kids serious? Oh, yeah.
With these Democratic candidates, it's "raise taxes" this and "no generational wars" that.
The problem is, I'm not polling as well with progressive voters as I am with Dale the racist Amtrak conductor.
- Hiya, Dale! - [DALE.]
Hey, Joe! Keep on keepin' them prisons full! Doin' a great job! Since Hillary's sitting this election out, you're our only hope.
Go spread the word about "trumped-up trickle-down" economics.
The phrase was perfect.
Clinton just kept coughing in the middle of it.
Don't worry! If there's one thing progressives love, it's an old white guy with one black friend and a lot of opinions.
Screw this.
I'm running away.
If those businesses don't like me, they can find another president to sign their executive orders sight unseen.
Need a ride to Reagan Airport? Not with you, Mitt.
I'll let you play with the sunroof.
So you're running away, huh? Mr.
President, don't give up.
The only friend you need in this world is a corporation.
Why are you driving 15 miles under the speed limit? Back at Bain Capital, I didn't make a lot of friends.
I'd roll into town, and the next day, the only thing left was a brothel and a soup kitchen.
How do you not have the air conditioner on? It's a hundred degrees in here! But my business liked me, and that was the only friend I needed.
Now, I'm taking you to the best place in the world to make big business your best friend.
- The White House? - That's right.
But I was just at the White House.
I'm saying you can use the presidency to win back businesses.
You said you were taking me somewhere.
- This is where I live.
- I know that.
I-I was just You made a mistake, admit it.
- I, uh - Despite your useless advice, I'm going to leverage the power of this White House to win back Corporate America! [PRESIDENT TRUMP.]
How do I exploit my sacred office to get businesses to stop being mean to me? I'm thinking all-access to our Saudi death squad.
You could stop staying how great Nazis are.
Oh, and why don't I start walking on the ceiling and breathing underwater? [NORMAL VOICE.]
Practical ideas only, people.
No workplace regulations.
If you don't want black lung, you shouldn't have taken a job at Babies 'R' Us.
How about kids receive school credit for warning business leaders that their wives are on their way home? We already invited the CEOs of the 50 largest companies to a roundtable so they can tell us exactly what they want.
Takes out the guesswork! Smart! See, Mnuchin? I'm happy, the Nazis are happy, everyone's happy.
Joe, you can come in, uh, but only if you talk the way you do around other white people.
Right on, my brotha! Jazz! I need to smack these progressives on the ass to make them fall in line.
How 'bout I call Liz Warren "Land O' Lakes Girl" and say Beto ran over a cop? Joe, that won't work.
To unite the party, you need good policy ideas like "hope" and "change.
" Otherwise you're just sowing division like Trump.
- And where did that get him? - I-Isn't he president? - Not my president.
- Fine.
I'll play nice.
Can I at least say Julián Castro was actually a triplet, but ate the third brother in the crib? Oooh, that's a good idea for a show.
I might pitch it to Netflix.
Evil Triplet.
Uh, would you watch that? Probably not.
- Quadruplets? - Eh, I don't know.
It takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there creatively, Joe, so just be a little sensitive to that.
None of those CEOs are coming, are they? Ha, ha, hi! Sorry I'm late.
A Secret Service dog barked at me and, next thing you know, your fellas slapped me on a metal table and searched me inside-out! Whatever they did to you wasn't enough.
Good news is I brought you My Pillow.
It's a state-of-the-art pillow I produce Mike.
I produce right here in Minnesota! Great.
Now we just need the rest of Corporate America.
Got any friends you can call? Double no! Don't got friends, don't got a phone! [BIDEN.]
Ah, God bless all of ya, but I don't want it to get ugly out there, so why don't y'all drop out and let me be president, huh? Just because you're polling well now doesn't mean you will forever.
Look at me I was a rising star, then people found out I told one weird lie a thousand times, and now no one will look me in the eye.
Don't forget about me.
After a president who's a philandering crook, Americans are more receptive than ever to someone who's not that or anything else.
Gosh, I hate to see the party torn apart like this.
Kamala, how'd you like to be rumored to be my running mate until I end up choosing Tim Kaine? Joe, the party has passed you by.
Beating you will be easier than denying a trans inmate corrective surgery so they can fight wildfires instead, ha! Look, Missy, I invented keeping non-violent criminals locked up indefinitely.
Did you, or did you just steal it like you did your 1988 stump speech, you rusty old tub of feces? - Wait - Whoa! I'm serious.
Lift your balls off the ground and shove off back to Scranton before I cram you into the luggage rack of an Amtrak and send you there! And not on the Acela, Joe! The Northeast Regional, bitch! - This is preposterous! - Jesus! - Get ahold of this! - What?! Come at me! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Let's all take a step back.
Maybe we can find some common ground.
- Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah! I can skateboard better than you, dork! Joe, we won't back down.
Literally every decision I've made in my life has been in service of this moment, including getting my girlfriend.
D-Did I mention I have a girlfriend? [ALL.]
You probably know her from the movies.
Do you wanna meet her? I'll get her! I made her wait in the parking lot in case you wanted to meet her.
I'll get her.
Hold on.
He's about to walk in here with a body pillow.
So many great CEOs wanted to speak on my behalf, but I decided to go with the one who showed up My Pillow's Mike Lindell! Ha, ha, hi! I'm Mike Lindell, and I make pillows! I support this president, and you should, too! Great, Mike.
Thank you.
Oh-oh-oh, I got more! Like Trumpy here, I have the classic American success story.
2007, the coroner declares me dead, and just before they roll me into an unmarked hobo grave, I snap to, head-butt S-O-S against the roof of that pine box, and thank God the grave digger's headphones weren't workin' because he ripped me out of the ground and Okay.
Any questions? Any questions not about crack? If you're just joining us, we are on minute 40 without a commercial break.
Let's go now once again to Vice President Joe Biden.
And may I just say, I've never met a more gorgeous Filipino girl than your production assistant.
Not bad considering what you're capable of saying.
Biden has taken off the gloves and just released the first attack ad of the Democratic primary.
Take a look.
If these Democratic candidates refuse to endorse Joe Biden for president, can we trust their judgement as president? The answer is no.
The answer is Joe.
Don't Make An Old Man Beg.
Are you concerned that since you've now attacked your fellow Democrats, they may strike back with opposition research? Ah, they wouldn't look into my past.
The only thing in my past is a bunch of hazy memories.
Well, our lone pitchman tried to sell us door-to-door, and the business world threw hot coffee in his face.
No offense, Mike.
Not my first brush with humiliation.
I'll tell ya that.
I once offered this dealer an exchange where I'd pretend to be a kind of "human shoe.
" Hello, if you want businesses to chase you, make 'em jealous by grinding up on big, strong competing businesses! You think that'll work? I loved this cute guy, so to make him jealous, I started dating Jared.
I forgot about the whole plan until just now.
It's so gonna work! Interesting! Good news, Mike I'm announcing an $800-billion stimulus package for the comfy pillow industry.
No thanks! I'm a self-made man! I made myself addicted to crack, I made myself addicted to pillows More good news you have no choice.
Ha, ha, hi! I'm Mike Lindell, CEO of My International Holdings and Defense Solutions, parent company of countless newly created subsidiaries that support our president, like My Yummy Pizza.
If you're not getting the pizza you need from Yummy Time Pizza, try My Yummy Pizza.
I've tried every pizza out there, and nothing works.
Our patented cheese forms to the exact same shape of your mouth so you can always have a restful pizza! [FLATLY.]
My Yummy Pizza is the most comfortable pizza you'll ever eat.
Before My Yummy Pizza, I had difficulty eating pizza.
Now I have a good night's pizza every night! Call now! Our pizza technicians are standing by! And don't forget to support our president.
He's guarding our conservative values from cloven-hoofed Democrats hell-bent on Christian genocide! For the best pizza in the whole wide world Eat My Yummy Pizza - And vote Trump - Vote Trump Thank you, thank you.
My International Holdings and Defense Solutions is now the largest multinational corporation on Earth, and they are proudly pro-Trump.
Soon, Mike Lindell will disrupt every industry with his massive government funding.
Ha, ha! Wow! That's a lot of companies! Good thing the crack fried the part of my brain with any self-doubt! [PRESIDENT TRUMP.]
Great idea, Ivanka.
Keep it up, and you'll be Commerce Secretary.
Actually, do you want to just be Commerce Secretary? Boom, bam, I dub thee Commerce Secretary! Yay! Jared, Daddy just said something! Oh, yay, great.
Hey, you need to see this.
Come on down to Seafood Shack where we hate Donald Trump, but love endless shrimp.
Harris Meat Distributors Supporting a coup since 2019.
- Whoa.
What's going on? - Don't you get it? You are now these companies' competitor, so now they are burying you.
Corporations don't get jealous like that hot guy Ivanka loves.
They just destroy whatever stands in their way, and you are in their way.
Donations to your legal fund? Done.
Donations to your reelection campaign? Done.
You? Done! [NARRATOR 7.]
Say "Trump sucks ass" and receive 20% off of Sigmund's Prenatal Vitamins.
So, what did you think of my no-holds-barred campaign strategy? Joe, I tried to warn you, but you just fired the first shot in a civil war with your primary opponents.
Nah, everyone loves Uncle Joe.
There's not a shoulder in Washington I haven't massaged.
Just get ready for the counter punch.
Now, what do you think of this idea for a Netflix show It's a legal drama in which an attorney and his colleague fall in love.
Eh, it sounds derivative, and I know a thing or two about plagiarism.
You didn't let me finish.
Her father is his boss.
Did you know 15 networks rejected Stranger Things? That's you.
Sure, most multinational corporations hate ya, but I love ya more than I've ever loved anything in my entire life! Ugh.
Well, it's been 45 minutes.
Maybe this thing has all blown over.
I'm Stephen Miller.
Tucker Carlson has the night off.
So we're just doing this out in the open now? The gestating culture war between pro- and anti-Trump companies has burst from its egg and eaten its mother! Mobs of hostile citizens, inspired by warring ads, are fire-bombing ice-cream trucks, overturning bracelet kiosks, and tearing department-store mannequins limb from limb! [LAUGHS.]
Welcome to tonight's Democratic Presidential Debate.
I'm Jake Tapper, and most of these questions will have something to do with me.
Candidates, please introduce yourselves.
I'm Senator Elizabeth Warren! And Joe Biden is an out-of-touch, zero-percent-Cherokee, pro-Wall-Street Democrat! Hey, what's good for Wall Street is good for Main Street, or at least Wall Street.
I'm Senator Cory Booker, and Joe Biden is a sniveling centrist who doesn't have a girlfriend! Has the debate started? 'Cause I wouldn't mind rebutting some of this.
I'm Senator Kamala Harris of the great state of California.
Finally someone who follows the rules.
And Joe Biden hugs too much! He's probably hugging someone right now! Look over there! [AUDIENCE BOOING.]
Drag him! [O'ROURKE.]
Look at us.
Our nation is on the brink of civil war, yet we on this stage can't put aside our petty squabbles.
We must do better.
Next time watch your nuts! [AUDIENCE BOOING.]
So, the corporate world has gone nuclear against me, including developing their own nuclear weapons, but I still have My Pillow.
Speaking of, how are we liking My Yummy Pizza Friday, huh? Mr.
President, this is the best pizza I've ever had, and I'm telling my husband the exact same thing.
Bullshit! The pizza sucks! The only reason we're quiet is it's glued our tongues to our teeth.
Hey, Mike Lindell knows pizza.
If he didn't, why would I think that? [CHOMPS.]
Mike, can you come in here? Ha, ha! So, the state of Minnesota doesn't allow me to legally own an oven, but you wouldn't believe how hot motel blow dryers get! Pizza's not hair, Mike.
Just get out of here.
But where will I sleep?! I'm kidding.
With a My Pillow, any park bench is a California King.
Hell! It was an embarrassment.
I didn't even get a chance to don my leather jacket and wiggle my eyebrows! Your opponents are just jealous that you're riding an un-inspected roller coaster to victory.
Yeah, yeah! And I need to tear off my lap bar and run as an independent! Independent?! Don't you dare, you monkey's ass.
You're gonna lose this election for Howard Schultz! That's a low blow! You know I'd never spoil it for Howard! We all want Howard! [DON JR.
Dad would kill us if he found out we bought from the competition.
This is so bad! I feel like a trucker from hell.
Daddy's home! - Shit! Eric, eat the razors and sit your huge ass on the pizza! NOW! [SUSPICIOUSLY.]
Is there something I should know? Uhhhh, y-yeah.
Uh, Mike Lindell's gross pizza tastes r-really good! No, it doesn't.
It tastes like the inside of Mike Pompeo's golf gloves.
What are you hiding? [TEARFULLY.]
We bought some Nike shoes and Ben & Jerry's ice cream! Okay.
As long as that's i Wha What the heck is under Eric? [GASPS.]
The pizza that hates me?! I expect this from Eric because he doesn't understand right and wrong, but not the rest of you, except for Don.
Well, and maybe Ivanka, I guess.
I swear we only went behind your back because your products suck ass.
Honest! If it makes you feel better, I-I just swallowed some razors.
Sick! Pass me some blades! Eric, for any other act of treason, that would be enough, but not this.
Next pizza party animal.
I'm a liberal loser who'd like a pepperoni pizza that doesn't taste like old clams and Clearasil.
Do you want the pepperoni to spell "Trump sucks" or, for an extra buck, we'll draw Trump as a deranged clown in green peppers? Not a big veggie guy.
I'll take "Trump sucks.
" Oh, and, uh, where's your restroom? [PRESIDENT TRUMP EATING LOUDLY.]
Oh, God! What is wrong with me?! Why am I eating what hates me?! [SOBBING.]
Whose side am I on?! [CONTINUES EATING LOUDLY.]
Why must this culture war tear at the very fabric of [CONTINUES EATING LOUDLY.]
You get ten more minutes, Mr.
President, then I'm calling the cops.
And that's why I've left the Democratic Party to form the Biden Party which stands for pragmatism, civility, and a mature approach to governance.
Hey! It's the quiet car! Exactly.
So you should shut up.
No, you shut up! I'm trying to do some work! What, some dumb marketing crap? - Shh! Shh! - Shh! No, you shush! [SHUSHING RAPIDLY.]
La-la-la-la! Noise-noise-noise-noise!! Look at you.
It's like I'm looking at myself six years ago, except you're not trying to sell your daughter's Lite-Brite for a bag of flake.
I almost wish I could go back and not say that thing about Nazis.
Look, I'm just your average crack addict turned pillow mogul next door, but here's my glassy-eyed point of view.
You've made politics so intense that not even Seafood Shack can stay on the sidelines, and it's kind of fun.
I don't need drugs because I can just walk into a restaurant wearing a MAGA hat, and the ensuing riot provides everything I crave A bullet-train heart rate and a chorus of voices screaming that I'm the devil! Things are pretty intense.
I wonder if the country is ready for that civil war we all know is coming.
Hey, after a long day of battle, the child soldiers can sleep on My Pillow! [OBAMA.]
Uh, Joe? Joe! - [SCREAMS.]
- How long have you been here? Since I got kicked off the train.
So, how's the Biden Party polling? 100% disapproval among marketing dorks! Joe, don't get frustrated.
It's not 2008.
You're not going to unify this party.
Just go out there and speak from the heart, like only Joe Biden can.
Thanks, Barack.
You know, I got a killer idea for a show.
It's a historical drama No! That's a bad idea for a show.
Sucks! See how it feels? [LAUGHS.]
And that's how I learned that during a rainstorm, you can always squat under someone's grill.
Daddy! Pro-Trump patriots and anti-Trump Antifa are clashing outside of Yummy Time Pizza.
They say it might erupt into a real civil war! Oh, my God! Did I not just call that? Mike, tell Ivanka I just called that! [MOBS SHOUTING.]
If we lose this battle, the tide will turn in Yummy Time Pizza's favor, and soon all the nation will be tragically united in opposition to me.
All right, boys, are you ready? [WEAKLY.]
I feel a little off.
I think it might be the razor blades.
Though it could also be Mike Lindell's pizza.
Ha, ha! I wouldn't rule it out.
I saw more than a few mites bunking up in those hair dryers.
Now say the word, and I'll smother everyone here! [HORSE WHINNIES.]
Ivanka, where did you get a horse? Every Secretary of Commerce gets one.
I'm not gonna tell you how to do your job.
On the count of "three," this war begins, and no matter who lives and who dies, at some point, I'm probably going to have some pizza.
One two three! [WHOOSHING.]
C'mere, you! My fellow Americans, I, and no one else, said four score and seven years ago that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself.
So ask not what your country can do for you, ask Mr.
Gorbachev to tear down this wall! I guess what those immortal words of mine meant were, "Knock it off! Stop your bellyaching! We're lucky to be alive! Now go back to work!" [CROWD MURMURING IN DISAPPROVAL.]
Once again, I gotta bail you out.
Despite what Joe says, our political differences are legitimate, but let me be clear.
There's not a liberal America and a conservative America; there's the United States of America, right? - [WOMAN.]
Oh, yeah.
- [MAN.]
Right, right, right.
Okay, good.
So go buy stuff.
Stuff is just stuff.
You know, uh, companies only get political to make a buck.
- We good here? - [WOMAN.]
Yeah! [MAN.]
Thank you, Mr.
Obama! Okay, what do you guys think of a show that takes place at a record store? - Uh - Meh What if the store was run by a father and daughter with different tastes in music? - Eh.
- Okay.
Uh, now now, hold on.
He likes modern music, she likes the old stuff.
Ha, ha! Even I saw that one comin'! Eh, forget it.
I still think it's solid.
Joe, let's go drone that marketing dork.
Hell yeah! [MOUTH FULL.]
Well, I got what I came here for.
Hey, Common again, for the United States Chamber of Commerce.
After the light skirmishes of the near civil war this week, Corporate America has discovered that people don't wanna shop in stores that are on fire.
So we're just gonna focus on selling stuff for profit again.
Ahhh, everything is back to normal with corporations controlling American life in the shadows.
Mike, you're officially my last business friend, and that's okay by me.
Thanks, Donald! Well, I better hit the road.
See ya around, Mike.
See you around, Mr.
President of the United States! [SLEEPILY.]
I'll just, uh My Pillow.
Ugh! He lives here now, doesn't he? [SNORING.]
Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump is the president Is Donald Trump the president? Yes, he is Yes, he is, we elected him president Is Donald Trump the president? Yes, he is We had a vote and elected him president Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump He is our president We made him president We did it Donald Trump is the president We elected Donald Trump Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump is the president Yeah Trump!