Our Cartoon President (2017) s02e04 Episode Script

The Best People

In a few moments, Special Counsel Robert Mueller will deliver his first public remarks on his investigation.
It's happening! There he is! It's happening! Hooray! He's gonna make the case for impeachment so we don't have to! Oh, no! If Mueller read the Mueller Report, I'm screwed! [NARRATOR.]
At long last, here is Mr.
Mueller! Mueller! I am speaking today to announce that our investigation is complete and to reveal to the American people that I am really hurt that only a few of you read my big report.
I worked super hard on it.
My wife said it was the best thing she ever read.
Now let's get back to this historic crisis, which I've decided to punt to our broken, shithead Congress.
The ball is now in your turd-strewn court.
Thanks for the homework, asshole.
I trust a room of 500 backstabbing trash bags of human sludge will come to a swift consensus.
My god, Chuck.
Will this affect the infrastructure bill?! Not if there's a God.
Now, I'm sure you expected that with the eyes of the nation upon me, I would at the very least summarize the President's wrongdoings.
Too bad.
I'm a coward.
Anyway, I quit.
Good luck with the whole saving America thing.
Boooo! Wait.
So it's all on Pelosi? Boo! It's all on me?! Booooo! I'm invincible! [NARRATOR.]
And more breaking news.
A new Fox News poll has Trump trailing Biden by 11 points.
Damn it! Look at me, Beto! I can stand on stuff, too! Unh! [NEWS JINGLE PLAYS.]
I'm Jake Tapper, and I'll smile when I'm dead.
We're going live now to President Trump who's sitting down with his cabinet for a foreign-policy discussion, and there appears to be a small but growing fire.
Let's tune in Today, we're discussing my latest proposal for Middle East peace which I whipped up while on the Pelaton this morning So let's stay focused on the task at hand Shut up! Alright.
This is what we're gonna do.
Tomorrow we're launching drone strikes on every country that was mean to me in this dream I had last night Iraq, Belgium, and Birdville.
My office has a big list of all the countries, and I don't think Birdville is on the list.
Also the fire has spread to the hem of my pants.
I'm with Pompeo on this one.
I also appear to be on fire.
- Sprinklers! DeVos, get out the Slip 'N Slide! Bolton, you son of a bitch, we need music! Yay! Yay! Yay! Close your eyes and envision in your mind Innocent days when you were That cabinet meeting was more embarrassing than my dad describing the type of porn he wanted me to sneak into his prison.
An unnamed source who definitely isn't me is leaking that the cabinet is in chaos.
Which is the kind of issue Democrats would love to bury you with in 2020.
Just let me get some competent people in here.
I know how to hire people, Jared.
I learned it from the Dalai Lama himself at Trump Plaza in 1984.
He taught me how to see into a person's soul to determine their true excellence.
To know the best when I see it.
And when I can't see it, I can smell it.
And if it's smelly enough and the windows are closed, I can kind of taste it, too.
Of course.
The best is whatever you say is the best.
Don't you tell me what the best is.
The best is whatever I say is the best! Aha, Chuck Todd! Now that I've destroyed your argument against undocumented children being housed three to a port-o-potty, you must do penance by flogging yourself with this cat o' nine tails! Ugh.
I always regret not knocking first.
Stevie, I'm afraid your appearance on Meet The Press is canceled.
But, sir, I've been going on as many Tinder dates as I can just to practice talking over people.
The media's coming after my cabinet.
I need someone with sophistication.
Not someone who time travelers kept trying to kill when they were a baby.
You're not going to replace your cabinet again, are you, Dad? Some of them are so new, I can't talk to them because of the Stranger Danger rule.
They're not going anywhere, unless Herman Cain shows interest, and I need to trade the whole team to land that all-star.
Did you see what your genius cabinet has done? Cured cancer? Trump's cabinet is cancer.
Talk about an air ball.
Here are screw-ups from the past seven days.
John Bolton locked himself in the trunk of his own car.
Mike Pompeo wore traditional silk to meet the Thai delegation and kept sliding off all the furniture.
Ben Carson fell down the same well he's fallen down six times.
Anyone looks bad when you focus on what they did.
I am only in the same house as you a few days a year.
Hire someone to control these idiots so I can feel safe.
I suppose it couldn't hurt to interview a candidate or two.
You know, just in case any staff get caught joining the mile-high club on a log flume! If you don't get caught, you're not doing it right! Say hello to your next Chief of Staff, Tim Pawlenty.
Former State Rep, Governor of Minnesota, and chair of several presidential campaigns.
Our schedule is pretty grueling.
We demand a three-week commitment, followed by two weeks of being maligned by me on social media.
Those you can work from home.
Now let's see what you can do.
I am here to put this house in order.
First, everyone must attend all meetings.
No more dressing your housekeeper up in your clothes and sending her in your place.
- Uh-uh-uh.
And for the sake of time-management, no wasting ten minutes complimenting the President, and we all read your briefings together, word by Tim Pawlenty is so fired! I'd like to thank Tim for his eight minutes of service, but I can't because he was terrible! It's been an honor to serve you, Mr.
Ugh! Go back to Minnesota and milk a lake! Go on, get! So things get a little bumpy and you go running into the boring arms of Pawlenty? Relax.
Jared says he has other great candidates.
Ever heard of Newt Gingrich? Jared knows this guy who looks exactly like him.
But only you know who the best people are.
What's your gut tell you? - Bigfoot is real.
- What else? It's telling me that maybe we shouldn't hire someone just because he's got a good résumé and never ran a glass-bottom boat ashore.
I just feel like I'm in a rut.
The President won't give me a high-profile role that allows me to really spread my ooze.
Not everyone has the charismatic megawatt "it" factor that makes me a star.
- You're trash! - Rot in hell! Shame - Shame! Shame! - Shame! Shame! For the sake of other diners, and so I can look my future grandchildren in the eye, I must ask you to leave.
I'll take this to go.
If the chef spits in it again, tell him to gargle some Cholula first.
It could use a kick.
Well! Well, well, well! If it isn't Trump's human shield.
Can't go out in public without somebody taking a long hot wizz on their shoes.
I remember those days.
That was before I grew the beard and everything changed.
Growing facial hair made people like Ted Cruz? Senator Cruz, right this way.
The other diners can't wait to regard the majesty of your plentiful whiskers.
Ah-ha-ha! I'd tell 'em to take a picture, it'll last longer, but I don't show up in photographs! [PRESIDENT TRUMP.]
I don't want new people, Jared.
But Americans no longer trust your cabinet.
This is the first time since the founding that the White House has been denied homeowners insurance.
How can you know that these people are the best? Jared, when your dad picked out which prostitute to film your uncle having sex with, he didn't hold a casting call.
He just knew.
Just like I can't know someone's the best by his résumé.
I know it by the joke he writes on the check where he's supposed to leave a tip.
My cabinet is already the best.
And I'm going to teach them to unlock that bestness within themselves.
You know what? Let's Let's do it.
Let's make your team so competent that they'll stop showing up late because they went to the wrong White House.
Help! Help! Ben Carson fell down the well again, sir.
Lower a bucket of saltines to him, Kellyanne! A lot of saltines! He's got a big day tomorrow! Today's gonna be a little different.
Follow the President's lead, or you'll be just another loser on the unemployment line with a million-dollar book deal.
Did someone say "loser"? [ALL GASP.]
How'd you sneak in here?! Am I here? ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYING - Or am I here? - Ooh! They say you're losers, the worst cabinet in history.
With my teaching, you'll be able to look them in the eye and say, "No, you're the worst cabinet in history!" Your journey begins now.
Come with me if you want to live.
Oh, God damn it.
I don't wanna Again? Oh, no.
Come on.
I don't wanna go anywhere.
Oh, why do we have to go Ugh.
Jesus Christ.
This is the first time I've had a visitor.
Are you peckish? Can I offer you a cold battery from my freezer to suck on? Say, what's that on your face? I want to become more likable in the eyes of the President, so I grew a beard exactly like yours.
Any notes? I'm afraid Donald Trump thinks a man should keep his face as smooth as a 3-D printed assault rifle.
He does like a nice head of hair, though.
You can make a wig out of my beard shavings.
I would donate it to a cancer kids charity, but it causes a vitamin D deficiency as well as a massive spike in every other vitamin.
Now you just need a complete personality transformation.
But who will save America from caravans of Guatemalan moms if not Stephen Miller?! Stephen Miller is dead! Don't you get it?! Now let's go make some hair-lovin' friends.
ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYING To be the best, you must believe you are the best at everything.
I want each of you to walk a tightrope to the Washington Monument.
The best do not hesitate; they simply do.
Use the force.
There is no spoon.
Time to make the donuts.
- I believe in you.
- You got this! Watch out for airplanes.
- Now I believe in physics! - [BODY THUDS.]
- You're up, Bolton.
- You can do it, Bolton.
Look at me! I'm a bomb! - Kaboom! - [BODY THUDS.]
Yeah, I think I got this.
This is terrible.
What else is on? Sir, let me take a crack.
If I can hold my nose and work for a casino bankrupting failed steak salesmen not you I can turn this crew around.
Mister Cruz, lovely to see you and that coarse thicket.
Who is your elegantly coiffed companion? This is my friend from politics.
- His name is - Stefan! Je m'appelle Stefan Millar.
I am Washington's newest cad about town.
It's ya boy! Thank God you said Stefan Millar and not Stephen Miller.
He's as disgusting as the things we do to his food.
Sea bass marinated in the liquid wrung from the bus boy's exercise undergarments.
Table bread that's been dipped in industrial cleaner and used to clean tables.
That one actually tasted pretty good.
I once straight up took a dump on his kale caesar.
Right this way, Mister Millar! Yes, sir! [CONWAY.]
Before you sits a spirit potion composed of Diet Coke concentrate and expired pills I swiped from the President's nightstand.
Drink deep, and you will walk the path to bestness or you'll die instantly.
Win, win.
We have the best people The best people The best people The best people The best people Best people.
We have the best people in the world.
The best people Best people Best people best people Best people best people Best people best people best people ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYING I'm finally dead.
And I still have my wallet! I knew I could take my money with me! No way would I be dead and not burning in hell.
Must be some lame spiritual plane where all truth is revealed.
To walk the path to bestness, you must embrace these truths If he says it, you agree.
Do not do for yourself what you can scam a subcontractor into doing for you.
And Graydon Carter should have been fired from Vanity Fair a long time ago, that magazine has never recovered, such a shame.
I agree.
Scam subcontractors.
Graydon Carter sucks.
I agree.
Scam subcontractors.
Graydon Carter sucks.
I agree.
How 'bout that economy? Is it doing great or what? I agree? Wow! Nothin' but net, Bolton.
- Betsy.
Schools? - Very schools! Swish! Mike Pompeo, North Korea? Uh, gettin' Norther every day.
Three points and the foul.
- Mnuchin? - We got money in the thing.
Basketball went in the basketball basket! Last but not least, Ben Carson.
- Where are we on - Graydon Carter sucks? Ben with the buzzer beater! They gave that guy a magazine? Terrible.
Everyone, you are truly the best.
Three white people on a couch It's "Fox & Friends" Last week, we said the President should have his entire cabinet executed and run the government by himself.
But we're eatin' those words after yesterday's cabinet meeting went off without a single gun fired into the ceilin'! I won them back! And they've questioned my every move since declaring me infallible.
When we come back, the hot goss on the Beltway It Boy, Stefan Millar.
Just last night he was seen at a restaurant Gwyneth Paltrow might visit someday.
Jared, get me Stefan Millar.
He's got something special he was just on my TV.
GQ loves you so much.
Now break that news, baby.
I can take it.
Stefan Millar is less a spokesperson and more a way of life.
Stefan A lot of people tell me I'm the smartest guy they've ever met.
And I'm like, "You need to meet more people!" [VOICE WHISPERS.]
Meet more people Confession! I've gone to the grocery store in pajamas! [VOICE WHISPERS.]
Relatable People ask me what I'm thinking about during these things.
To be honest pizza and Netflix.
Here's to being the best people, and all it took was drinking poison.
Cheers! Oh, wow.
A fan's sending us a bottle of wine.
- You still suck! - We still hate you! Excuse me.
Uh, since my name is already a nationwide trending topic just for approaching your table, - I must ask you to leave.
Stefan Millar, I saw you on Fox & Friends, so you got the job.
I'm thinking new press secretary/ speechwriter/best friend.
- I won't let you down, sir! - Cool.
Your first job is to fire the guy you're replacing.
Get Stephen Miller in here.
Um, shouldn't I fill out my on-boarding paperwork first? We don't do that kind of thing here.
This is gonna be pathetic.
I can't watch.
This is Stephen Miller! Who are you, and why are you so cool?! [AS MILLAR.]
I'm Stefan Millar, and you're fired, Stephen Miller.
But Mr.
President, I, Stephen Miller, can change! I can't hear you, Stevie.
My back is turned.
I, Stephen Miller, won't leave without a fight! I challenge you, Stefan Millar, to a sword fight! Draw your sword, coward! Ting! Ting! Shing! Wow.
I'd turn around and watch, but I don't want to move out of this nice warm sunbeam.
Hunh! Curses! I, Stephen Miller, am slain! Tell Rush Limbaugh I'll be tuning in from on high.
Arrrgh! Whew! [AS MILLAR.]
Who are you five lovely maidens? [HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
We are Stephen Miller's girlfriends! [VOICES DIFFERING.]
Sandy, Mandy, Candy, Tandy, and Shandy! Who will give us the gift of child now? [AS MILLAR.]
I, Stefan Millar, will fertilize each of you with my oxygenized seed.
Oh, thank heavens! See you later for the good type of sex we had with Stephen Miller all of the time.
Wee-oo wee-oo! We are the police! We would arrest you for murder, but you're just too cool.
Here, we'll get this body out of the way.
Unh! Holy hell! What a ripped body! Weee-oo! Weee-oo! [AS MILLAR, PANTING.]
It's done, sir.
How did he take it? [PRESIDENT TRUMP.]
I know everyone's a little down, but this is the burden of being the best.
The Dalai Lama was hated so much, not a single Atlantic City T-shirt shop let him use their bathroom.
But the important thing is, I'm happy, so everything's fine! Maybe it's because someone poured béarnaise sauce into my handbag, but I'm not feeling the best anymore.
- Join the club, sister.
- Yeah.
There's a steak knife in my leg.
Your only rule is if Stephen Miller would have said it, say the opposite.
I guess his ideas did only make sense to people hung like him.
Meet my new press secretary, Stefan Millar.
He's gonna charm the pants off ya, so leave your pants over there in the bin marked "pants.
" Stefan, how do you feel about the ruling that the undocumented can't be detained indefinitely? [STRAINED.]
Jim I am not furious.
And we are not planning to rendition the judges to a black site in Qatar.
Go easy, guys.
This is Stefan Millar, not Stephen Miller.
You can tell because Stefan didn't just finish eating a candy bar that I rubbed on a bathroom floor.
- Good one, Mr.
When my Grandpa died, I slipped a stick of gum into his coffin, then a year later, I dug up the body, grabbed the stick of gum, and gave it to Stephen Miller.
Acosta, you're alright.
I made Palomas, no thanks to you jerkholes.
God, Mattis! I said I'd help after my meditation hike! You just love playing the victim.
Oh, kiss my ass, McMaster.
- John Kelly, four star general of the United States military, retired.
Namaste? [BOLTON.]
Sorry to bother you, guys.
Me and the fellas were just wondering, since we're all in Trump's cabinet, does that mean we're the best? [LAUGHTER OVER PHONE.]
Not only are you not the best, but simply by working there you're guaranteeing your obituaries will include the word "co-conspirator.
" Get the hell out of there while you can still work as a graveyard-shift commentator on Fox Business! Where are my besties? I want to watch them fall again.
I'm afraid the whole cabinet resigned, sir.
You sure this isn't a suicide note? Don't worry.
They're alive.
I got like six calls today from Celebrity Big Brother checking their references.
This doesn't make sense.
I've always hired the best people, ever since my days with the Dalai Lama.
Sir, about that The bad news is the Dalai Lama was a vagrant who wore bed sheets and sold Rubik's Cubes on the boardwalk.
The good news is I got us a deal on T-shirts that say "Jersey Girls Aren't Trash.
Trash Gets Taken Out.
" If the Times runs this story tomorrow, it's because someone stole my phone - and texted it to them just now.
If I hired them and they're not the best people, then I might not be the best person, but I am the best.
This is the sort of paradox that fake Dalai Lama would know just the right T-shirt for.
At least the Democrats can't use my cabinet against me if I don't have a cabinet anymore.
Democratic strategists are focus testing their new 2020 slogan, "Trump's So Lame Even His Loser Cabinet Ditched Him.
" Crap.
That's a winner.
Of course, Trump still has Stefan Millar in his stable.
But for how long? [CRUZ.]
Why aren't you excited? You got everything you wanted, and all you had to do was sell your soul.
It's Stefan Millar at the podium, not Stephen Miller.
What's the point if I can't describe the border wall in vivid, sexually vulgar detail? Big, pulsating turrets quivering with gunfire! Try not to hurt your new image.
Don't let your mouth write checks my beard hair glued to your scalp can't cash.
Compliments of the house, the finest wine Mexico has to offer.
Mexico Mexico Mexico - Mexico Mexico - [SLURPING.]
Oh-hoo-hoo! Those Oaxacan grapes are bringing sweet nourishment to tipsy Ted Cruuuzzz! Ted Cruz, Ted Cruz, Ted Cruz, Ted Cruz! Mexico - Mexico Mexico Mexico.
- Oh, God.
It's so good! I'm sorry, Stephen Miller! Aaah! [PAINFULLY.]
Ya Boy's so sorry! Sometimes I stare into the distance, wondering if, across the world, there's a little kid in Birdville staring back at me.
You really miss your cabinet, don't you? We had one of our best days together up here.
This is where they all fell and nearly died.
Hey, Dad.
Remember when me and Eric - were little kids? - Gross.
Remember what you used to tell us before we went to bed? You'd say You're nothing without me.
And if I ever die, which I won't, you'll be nothing again.
Night, Dad! That kept me going, Dad.
I knew I didn't need to work hard or have any talent, intelligence, or even a tolerable personality.
I just needed you.
I wanted to give my kids the whole world, and since I am the whole world, I did.
And that's what you should have done with your cabinet.
To be the best, they don't need to have faith in themselves.
They just need to have faith in you.
Thanks, Don.
Tell General Kellyanne to get my cabinet back here so they can watch the best be the best! Oh, and Don You're still nothing without me.
I know, Dad.
I know.
Hey! Try using a star of David to dot the I.
- That's a really cool idea, man.
- Hey, you look like Stephen Miller.
You know that guy? He was one of the most talented bigots in the game.
I wonder whatever happened to him.
So do I.
He used to eat at the Shakey's where I worked.
Man, we'd all compete to see how much of our insides we could get onto each slice.
Still, hell of a racist, though.
They're not coming, are they? Trust me, Mr.
President, they'll be here.
Did I win?! Is this the championship episode?! None of you losers are contestants on The Amazing Race.
I lied to get you here.
- Aww! - That stinks.
A vagrant with IBS who I thought was the Dalai Lama taught me about the dichotomy of man.
Just like a Rubik's Cube can be both solved and unsolved if you never take it out of the box, an employee can be both the best and the worst.
Without me, you're all the worst, but you're all the best because of me.
And now I'll prove it by walking to the Washington Monument! Tell my wife she loves me! - Oh, my God.
- Oh, he's really doing it! Is the Secret Service really allowing this? [TIRES SCREECH, CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING.]
I'm comin' home, Birdville Boy.
Fake news? Who had June for Trump toppling the Washington Monument? - That was me! Pay up.
- Aww.
Oh, man.
I hope the people at the top of that monument had their seatbelts on.
What the! God, I'm so friggin' embarrassed.
Someone do something! Where's Stefan?! Stefan can't help you, Mr.
President, but I know someone who can! This is Stephen Miller! The President's life has been put in danger by this Mexican manufactured tightrope which was clearly sabotaged! Just as Mexicans have sabotaged the dream of millions of Americans to get a job debeaking chickens at a factory farm! We must retaliate against this hostile act with military might! Breaking news.
Stephen Miller has announced the administration has declared war on Mexico, causing viewers to seek comfort in the folds of my deeply furrowed brow.
It's good to have you all back.
I'm glad you've come to see that because I'm the best, you are, too.
Also, all the job interviews we went on ended up being really violent YouTube pranks.
I want to especially commend Stefan Millar who changed the conversation about me destroying a national monument by launching a debate over an unnecessary war.
Actually, sir, it was I, Stephen Miller! I was Stefan Millar the whole time.
Got it.
Fire Stefan Millar for leaving me out to dry last night.
Right away, sir! Stefan, en garde! Shing! Ting! Wing! Ting! [HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
Hello, boys! [MILLER.]
My insatiable maidens have returned! [HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Just like old times, with a nice cozy uncontrolled fire to keep us warm.
I think Wilbur Ross just died of smoke inhalation! What should we do?! Ooh! Ooh! Let's chop up his corpse and mix it into Stephen Miller's food! [ALL.]
Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump is the president Is Donald Trump the president? Yes, he is Yes, he is, we elected him president Is Donald Trump the president? Yes, he is We had a vote and elected him president Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump He is our president We made him president We did it Donald Trump is the president We elected Donald Trump Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump is the president Yeah Trump!