Our Cartoon President (2017) s03e02 Episode Script

The Economy

Ahh! So nice to get away from politics and enjoy a pro-military, corporate-worshipping gladiator match.
And I'm here with my best friends the man who picked a fight with the biggest, baddest reporter at NPR - Hey, hey.
- and my two lawyers banned from giving blood.
We can give as much as we want! Yeah! They just have to burn it! Look! It's your big campaign ad! Shut up, Melania! It's on! Every night, I talk on the phone with Jon Voight.
- [BEEP.]
- Hello, America.
Let me introduce myself, because you will never meet me in person.
I'm Michael Bloomberg, and I bought out Donald Trump's airtime.
- Oh! What the hell?! - He already had a heartbreaking Super Bowl ad! Eh, no big deal.
I got out the Voight thing.
This cost me $50 million, but no price is too high when it comes to buying this election, so that's basically how this whole thing's gonna go.
I'm buying this election, and you can't stop me.
There's nothing you people can do.
I defy you to even try.
He's doing it for me.
That's all I really got.
Looks like we've got another 30 seconds to kill.
Let's throw in some patriotic stuff.
Looks nice.
That says it all.
I am not sure what this one is.
No, next.
We're not doing this one.
This is a tourist trap.
What's in that guy's hands? Oh, yuck! He's right.
That is yucky.
So, good luck with your little football thing, everybody.
I hope the Tigers beat the Lasers or whatever.
- Ugh! Another ad?! I hate how much they've commercialized Pepsi Presents Football.
Betrayal, wrath, vengeance.
From the master of suspense, former National Security Adviser John Bolton Ha ha! Hi, there! [NARRATOR.]
comes a twisted new tale of Executive Office intrigue.
"The Room Where It Happened", available wherever and whenever it's most financially advantageous to John Bolton.
Just remember it seems exciting, but at the end of the day, it's still a book.
And soon to be a major motion picture.
These letters should all be the same size! Looks worse, but it's better! [NEWS JINGLE PLAYS.]
I'm Lester Holt.
And looking this serious requires clenching every muscle in my body.
Despite analysts' predictions, the economy shows no signs of slowing, like a racehorse on its 500th lap moments before its heart explodes.
President Trump is keeping faith that our economy will stay strong.
We love this economy, huh?! It's so great that you should overlook that I cause a biweekly constitutional crisis! - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- And because a vibrant economy is my only remaining argument for re-election, the economy would never forsake us! [THUNDER CRASHES.]
Don't worry.
I'm sure the ominous thunder clap right after I claim to speak for a higher power is purely coinci Aah! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Hey, folks, folks, listen, folks.
A lot of people are saying that I've lost touch, that before Iowa, I might accidentally endorse apartheid, - but I've never been sharper! - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
I've got great blood circulation in my eyeballs, and they haven't found spinal fluid in my urine for weeks! Hell, I'm gonna live forever! [THUNDER CRASHES.]
I'm sure the ominous thunder clap right after my direct challenge to Father Time is just a coinci Aah! - Hell, I'm not worried! - [THUNDER CRASHES.]
Dad, my banker friend Slerve got laid off, and now he wants to cancel our hunting trip! Please inform him that the economy is the tits and he shouldn't cancel.
The economy loves you, Slerve.
- Don't lose faith.
Yeah, whatever, dude.
Dad, our hotels are half-empty, and economists say the first sign of a downturn is vacancies at overpriced ratholes! Boys, the economy is testing us, just like it did in the early '90s, the mid-'90s, the mid-late '90s, and every three years since then.
Those were tough times.
I'll never forget watching our bank accounts - flatline.
I almost swore off money and became one of those guys that takes baths in the ocean.
But then the economy blessed us with a miracle money from my daddy and Russia.
Everything's gonna be fine.
Just ask my perfectly calm Treasury Secretary.
Go, go, go! Don't worry about the suitcase full of cash! It'll be worthless in two hours! Where are you headed, 'Nuch?! To sink your savings into this roaring stock market?! Yeah.
Hey, if my wife, Louise, asks where I am, ask her what her favorite hobby is then say I'm buying her whatever clothes or tools are associated with that hobby.
What are you waiting for, idiot?! [HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING.]
Joe, we saw your last campaign speech! It was magnificent! Like watching Mozart lead a symphony of self-delusion.
But we're a tad concerned that you're not "with it".
Hey, come on, folks! Would somebody not "with it" remember every word from his favorite song growing up? Come on, folks! Everybody up! It's time for "Milkshake U-S-A"! Come on, everybody, from Nevada to Maine - Okay, Joe.
Got it.
- It's Milkshake U-S-A - Joe, that's good.
- Joe, that's enough.
- Well, we can can it now.
Stop it! - Milkshake U-S-A - Jesus, Joe! If you don't get with it, you'll lose to Trump, and there goes the dream of Milkshake U-S-A! Oh, crap! Now I am worried! [PRESIDENT TRUMP.]
This is gonna sound crazy, but how important is the economy to my re-election anyway? It's the whole thing, pal, okay? I had Brad run the numbers.
- Who's Brad? Are you Brad? - [SIGHS.]
Brad Parscale, your campaign manager.
Oh, the guy I hired because he looks and acts like the devil? - [PARSCALE.]
Polls say that voters' top issue is the economy, second is how much money they have, third is how much stuff they can buy, - and fourth is abortion.
- Phew! - Namely, the price of them.
- I call bullshit.
My supporters are all multi-faceted, emotionally complex, deeply erotic human beings.
Money isn't everything.
It's not gonna make you happy.
That's why I'm changing my campaign slogan to "Make America Meaningful Again".
Okay, so, I-I'm gonna head on out.
Okay, that was fucked up.
They really like money.
Let's get out of here.
This state smells like shit.
God! I'm, like, shaking.
Welcome to the last Democratic debate before the Iowa caucuses, where, somehow, 40% of this entire election will be decided.
Let's meet the candidates.
I'm Joe Biden, and I think we're good.
I'm Elizabeth Warren, and we shouldn't bet on a guy who's mistaken me for Hillary Clinton and his wife in the same conversation! Hillary, geez! Let's talk about this at home! Joe, it's time to step aside and let a younger, dangerously unqualified generation take the mantle.
- It's mine! - Joe, get - Get the fuck out, Joe! - That's enough! I can take a hint! I'm no stupid! Maybe it's time for Joe Biden to step aside and enjoy the retirement he so richly deserves.
Yes! Or m-a-a-aybe it's time to show America that I'm more with it than ever! [CANDIDATES AND CROWD.]
No! I don't care.
That's the one I'm gonna do.
Oh, Heavenly Economy, who art in Wall Street, please bless me with good news I can rub in Maxine Waters' face in my State of the Union speech.
Slerve! What's wrong, Don? Did you just find out I didn't win North Carolina's Annual Hefty Dad of the Year Award? Because of the economy, Slerve canceled the hunting trip! Don, you take three hunting trips a month.
But I was planning to feed an antelope its own ass! My God, Don! I had no idea! [ERIC.]
Dad, it happened! I told you your hot wife would leave you eventually.
Not that yet.
We had to shut down three hotels! It's as if consumer appetite for watching rats gnaw on chrome chandeliers has disappeared! Dad, tell everyone the economists are lying heathens! Yeah, Dad! Spread the gospel! I don't know.
I never considered myself a prophet.
I'm just a humble egomaniac with a complete disregard for right and wrong.
A great man once told Slerve, "The economy loves you.
Don't lose faith".
ominous music plays - [MOUSE SQUEAKS.]
Wow! If that's not a good sign, I don't know what is! I'll do it! enthusiastic music plays [PRESIDENT TRUMP.]
The State of the Union is in 72 hours.
- Miller, how's the writing going? - Excellent, sir! Every time I think of a new euphemism for white genocide, my [CLEARS THROAT.]
fiancée gives me a peck on my forehead! - [ALL GROAN AND SHUDDER.]
- Oh, be happy for me! Alright.
How do we show Americans that they live on a big, fancy yacht? I can dress up as a dolphin.
Ben, we'd all love to see that, but think bigger.
- I can dress up as a whale.
- You see, Ben? Now, that's an idea! What else, while we're hot? Barr, your good name is synonymous with Christian virtue.
What do ya got? Well, I suppose we could make it legal to kill economists.
- Okay.
That's pretty extreme, but definitely stay after I want to game that out.
Uh, I have a non-costume, non-murder idea.
Ooh! Thinking outside the box, Larry Kudlow.
What do ya got? Uh, I just realized it is a costume idea.
Lost a step after the entire decade of cocaine.
Costume idea! Oh, yeah! The American economy has never been stronger.
If you don't believe me, direct your attention to the poorest American, Mike Pence.
I just bought a Rolls-Royce, brand-name toothpaste, and a bird that talks.
- Whoo-wee! - [APPLAUSE.]
What is this? Oh, my lively butler.
Just go with it.
I'll explain everything during our evening side-hug.
Oooooh! Do you require anything else, Monsieur Pence? Perhaps some salted hand-nuts? [POSH ACCENT.]
No, fine lady.
And may I say, you do look dashing in that frock.
Oh, how I've longed for the day you'd say that! But we're from two different worlds I a penniless harpsichord prodigy from Provence, and you, Paris's most famous leather salesman! Leather sales be damned! I don't need money! We'll run off to Switzerland and live in the mountains.
I'll breed sheep, and you'll milk 'em.
So, you know things are good.
I need your help appearing "with it"! Tell you what I'll show you how to pass your nanny state bills, providing everyone government-issued breast milk until age 26.
I already have three co-sponsors on that bill.
Plus, I can't support you.
You're establishment.
Don't you want to hedge your bet in case somehow America doesn't go all-in on a white-haired, raving Jewish socialist? Fine.
But we can't be seen together in public.
People don't recognize me anyway.
They think I'm one of those big dolls you put on your porch to scare trick-or-treaters! Because the economy is so bountiful, we have reached full employment.
And I know it's full because we found the most unemployable American a job.
I got a job sitting in a field! Show 'em how it's done, Eric! No one bother him.
He's working.
President? - 'Sup? According to The Post, in 2005, you said Eric wasn't fit to look at a field, let alone sit in one.
Do you expect us to believe that he's been hired to do just that? Mind you, he's already sleeping.
Forget Eric.
Let's focus on the positive.
Mike Pence found love with a homely butleress.
You first laid eyes upon me as a butler, and you'll see me that way for the rest of your life! - [SOBBING.]
- Abigail! No! Dad! I wet the field! [GROANS.]
- [MAN.]
Hey! It's one of those dolls that scares trick-or-treaters.
Thanks! Don't forget to vote! Alright.
Let's get me woke here.
I assume the first step is apologizing for existing! I'm sooooooo soorrrrrry.
Apology accepted.
Next, you need to learn to talk about everyone the same way you talk about white people.
Got it.
I'll talk about everyone the same, even this one hepcat from the old neighborhood.
Went by "Sugarpuff".
He was a bad mama-jamma, old Shug.
Played drums on the corner by bangin' two switchblades on a can of sweet potatoes.
And that's why I should be president! How'd I do? Maybe stay away from race entirely.
- Got it, chickpea.
- And gender.
But that only leaves three words "look", "folks", and "America".
Guess what's here! It's the Department of Labor report.
Oh, my God, Daddy! I bet America added so many jobs that it'll never have to work again! Is everything okay? You look like you did when I told you Jared's religion.
The economy is good.
That's what it says.
Yay! Can I still afford landscapers to ride like ponies? Not only that, you can pay for their inevitable back surgery.
I don't think I will, but whoa! [THUNDER CRASHES.]
We love this economy, huh?! It's definitely good! Otherwise, why would I be metaphorically showing up at your door at 2 a.
covered in sweat, screaming, "You gotta believe me"?! - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- [DON JR.
Dad! Because you said that the economy is rocking my nads again, Slerve uncanceled the hunting trip! I'm gonna feed an antelope its own ass! - [SOBBING.]
Thanks, Dad! - [THUNDER CRASHES.]
There's people of color! I just know I'm gonna say something dumb! No, you're not.
Just stick to your words.
dramatic music plays [GROANS.]
Look folks.
Look look.
Come on, now! I mean, geez! Folks! Trump! Ukraine! Iran! This isn't who we are! Look, look, look! I'm telling you! You know what I mean, folks? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
My aunt was right! You rock! I threw in some words we didn't agree on.
I hope that's okay.
Hey, so, how do I pass sweeping legislation, anyway? Alright.
Here are the unredacted Epstein jet flight logs.
It's all the leverage you need, chickpea.
- Oh, sorry.
- I'll let it slide this ti - Holy shit! - Crazy, right? Bill Clinton took an eight-hour flight from Palm Beach to West Palm Beach.
Are you okay? Yeah.
It's just the economy, impeachment, my presidency.
It's all going so well, it's freaking me out! - Really? - Are you saying I'm lying?! I'm not lying! - Psycho.
- I heard that! - Dad! - Eric's here.
Eric is a worker.
Eric, say the economy is good.
I got fired! The Chinese bought the field and even made me train my replacement.
I made a friend for life, but it was humiliating.
That's good! The economy did that! The economy is good! Everything is good! Yikes! He sounds like President of the nuthouse.
Uh, more on that later, because we're joined by Vice President Joe Biden, fresh off his show-stopping performance.
Hey, folks, look! I'm with it! This is America! Come on! It sure is.
And what a country it is, huh? And Oh, my God! My eyes are bleeding, aren't they? It appears so.
Uh, wow.
Gaffe alert.
Ah, crap! I'm rattled! What was I saying? Oh, yeah Back in '59, Sugarpuff and his friends and me and my friends white arranged a public fight with the winner getting to call Jumpin' Jacks Soda Shop their territory.
I called it off when a social worker said Sugarpuff is eight years old.
But that's life in Milkshake U-S-A, isn't it? [PRESIDENT TRUMP.]
The State of the Union is in 24 hours! Assuming my speech is three hours long with a five-hour standing ovation, that leaves 32 hours to fix the economy! Private-island time.
See you on the other side, everyone.
I'm taking this.
Hey, we can save this economy, Mr.
Here's what I'm thinking.
Immediately inject the banks with five trillion dollars in taxpayer cash.
- So, the bankers gave themselves five-trillion-dollar bonuses.
In my defense, that hasn't happened since last time.
Why did you stay on Meet the Press for the full hour? I had to talk about the knife fight with Sugarpuff's dad.
No, you didn't! That story was offensive.
And, by the way, no one cares about these Epstein flight logs.
Somehow, the public is comfortable with a global sex ring! Ow! Oh, no! I can't remember the lyrics to "Milkshake U-S-A"! dramatic music plays [BELL RINGING.]
That's the closing bell.
And even though the markets are closed, the Dow is somehow still erratically snapping back and forth between being up 1,000 points and then down 5,000 points.
And to make this day even more disturbing, on my way to work, I saw a flower wilt in two seconds, looked in a mirror, and saw the back of my head! And last night, I died in my dream.
Needless to say, ladies and gentlemen, we're witnessing a death blow to the dynasty that was the Trump economy.
In my defense, the only reason I lied about the economy was because it was easier.
But it hurt total bros like Slerve who took unnecessary risks and lost it all! He had to move from the Upper East Side to a five-bedroom, six-bath in Scarsdale! When he wants to go home after work drinks, he has to take the Metro North! How could a just economy let that happen to a former starting midfielder from the Hobart lacrosse team?! - [SOBBING.]
How?! - You know what? I don't even believe in the economy anymore! Ditto! [GASPS.]
Get out of my house! - Dad! No! - Where will we stay?! Oh, yeah.
Well, Slerve's, of course.
He's got a theater in his basement.
You ever watch football so loud it gives you a concussion? - [ERIC.]
No, but I'm eager to try! - [DOOR CLOSES.]
suspenseful music plays The economy is coming to punish me, Melania.
It's only a matter of time before I lose the presidency and everything I've worked so hard to be handed.
Yeah, yeah.
Sounds good.
Welcome back to Half-Ton Toe.
Tonight, how could this mom let her toe get so big? I just pray the economy is merciful and doesn't destroy - my State of the Union speech.
- Mm-hmm.
Any last words before I descend to hell? You should have gotten that toe checked out years ago! [THUNDER CRASHES.]
Alright, look, folks.
Come on, now.
This is America.
What's going on here? W-what's that? Hey, Milkshake! I've been looking all over for you! You remember the lyrics to "Milkshake U-S-A"? I'm not tellin'! You'd forget them anyway! Oh, I really miss that song.
How about this? I'll give you the unredacted flight logs for the Epstein jet.
- Really?! - Yeah.
Got 'em right here.
I don't even know if I want to see those.
Some of my favorite directors might be on there.
I won't be able to watch their films without feeling kind of weird about it.
Come on, man! I gotta get that song back! Well, then you'll have to learn it again in a new way.
Now wake up! [ECHOING.]
You're about to piss yourself! Miiiilllkkkshake! [THUNDER CRASHING.]
dramatic music plays [RAVEN CAWS.]
You were a bad sign.
Just do it, economy! Strike me down already! [RAVEN SQUAWKING.]
Teeeeddd Cruuuuzzz! Ugh! Jesus, Ted! What are you doing here? Well, the ravens can't escape as fast in the rain.
Screaming to the heavens now, are ya? I've given up.
I just want the economy to smite me already.
So you've tried everything? [CRUZ.]
Here's the thing about vengeful, omnipotent beings like the economy.
The only way to atone to them is to feel pain in their honor.
That's how they know for certain that your piety outweighs your self-regard.
So give up Tuesday brunch or something? - Bigger.
- Saturday brunch? Offer a sacrifice! Then, and only then, will the economy spare you! It also works for getting into the Senate! [BELL TOLLS.]
It's State of the Union time! - [THUNDER CRASHING.]
Bill, I'm screwed! How come you made more mistakes than I have and yet nothing sticks to ya? It's so true.
I mean, I was on that Epstein jet, and everyone was like, "Well, whatever".
That's what I mean.
You're immortal.
I want some of that juju so I can be president.
Oh, no.
It's a curse.
It's only pushed me further from the American people.
Your mortality is why people like you.
Just like them, you fear losing touch, so, out of self-preservation, you retreat to the blissful days of your youth when "Milkshake U-S-A" dominated the airwaves.
And that's a good thing?! Well, elections fall on days when the only people around to vote are elderly, so you're hot-damn right it is.
Where are you going? State of the Union is tonight.
I'm gonna show Americans that I'm as lucid as they are.
Bark, bark! That's the sound a dog makes! [ANTELOPE BLEATS.]
Would've been pretty fun, huh? What? Feeding an antelope its own ass? Yeah, no duh! But what do you care? You know, Don, as bad as we've had it my cabinet, us we've never really suffered at the economy's hands.
We went bankrupt six times! Right, but my daddy and Russia gave us money so we had enough to keep the lights on in our California king-sized tanning beds.
Yeah, I guess that's true.
But we're suffering now.
I don't get to see an antelope's face when I reveal that I just fed it its own ass.
That suffering is not enough to atone for our crimes.
We need to make a sacrifice.
- Okay, Eric, you're up! - No, not Eric.
Something that has value.
Tonight, it's the State of the Union, which arrives under a cloud of both impeachment and economic doom.
Also under a rain cloud.
It is drizzling outside, one of those classic Beltway drizzles.
Pace yourself, Chuck.
Oh! And look who's in the chamber.
It's Joe Biden.
Oh, God.
What are those dumb lyrics? - Damn it! - Hey.
I'm sorry about throwing that binder at your head.
It's alright.
I splurged for the shock-absorbent hair plugs.
Hey, I'm sorry about running my mouth like Sugarpuff would back in the neighborhood.
It's okay.
Thanks for trying to grow.
- I brought you something.
- Whoa-ho-ho! The lyrics to "Milkshake U-S-A"! Oh, and it looks like the President is making his way to the podium.
He's got a stalwart, presidential gait.
He's just walking, Chuck.
Let's listen in.
My fellow Americans, over the past week, I've been guilty of falsely claiming that I am a prophet of the economy.
And over the past decade, we've all been guilty of economic greed.
And now we must repent.
That is why, as an offering to the economy, I'm proposing a tiny, tiny, tiny, for the wealthiest Americans, tax increase.
No! Okay, okay! Or I guess we could sacrifice Eric Trump? What?! [ALL CHANTING "ERIC!".]
Wow! Look at this, huh? Eric, they love you! Ho-ho! What an interesting offer.
What do ya say, Eric? I don't feel like being the sacrifice! You be the sacrifice! You're beefier, so it'll mean more to the economy.
What do you say, Eric? - [THUNDER CRASHING.]
Doesn't sound like we have much time.
Holy crap! The markets are going nuts! Come on, Eric! The Street wants blood! Eric, it's the job you were born to do.
- heavenly choir vocalizing - [ALL CHANTING "ERIC!".]
Okay, okay! Fine! [BIDEN.]
Wait, folks! Wait, wait, wait, folks! Don't listen to that Russian plant.
We don't need to sacrifice that tall, blond bellhop with no eyebrows! [ALL BOOING.]
No, no, no! No joke! Trump's acting like we have to please the economy, like we don't have control over our fate.
But take it from someone who refuses to obey the demands of time.
We can intervene.
Vote for me, and we'll stop letting the economy push us around.
We'll put in the hard work to turn our economy into a system ruled by justice! [INDISTINCT WHISPERING.]
Or m-a-a-aybe it'd be a lot more fun if we sang - "Milkshake U-S-A"! - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
That was my favorite song growing up! Me too.
Tell you what, you son of a bitch.
You've dragged me through hell, but we're even if you do you know what.
I declare the State of the Union to be "Milkshake U-S-A"! - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- Everyone, get on up! A yummy ice-cream milkshake Everybody shakin' from Nevada to Maine Milkshake U-S-A Ay-ee-ay-ee-ay-ee-ay Malted milk and cow's cream All mixed up in the thing Milkshake U-S-A Well, the principal's tryna shut our milkshake down But not even Mom and Dad can keep this milk out our mouth Everybody shake from Louisiana to Maine In Milkshake U-S-A People do know there are other presidential candidates, right? Milkshake U-S-A [DON JR.
Eric, I sound so much better than you.
So, how was the hunting trip, Don? Did you feed an antelope its butt? I wish.
Every time I tried to cut off their asses, it kind of freaked out.
If it makes you feel better, I got a job sitting in a meadow.
- That's awesome! - Spill the deets! It's more of an unpaid internship, but y-you never know where it could lead.
Hey, Dad, you weren't really gonna sacrifice Eric to the economy, right? Well, it looks like everything's back to normal except the economy.
Do you think the economy will ever come after us? Don't worry, boys.
We're rich.
And the economy can never take that away.
Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump is the president Is Donald Trump the president? Yes, he is Yes, he is, we elected him president Is Donald Trump the president? Yes, he is We had a vote and elected him president Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump He is our president We made him president We did it Donald Trump is the president We elected Donald Trump Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump is the president Yeah Trump!
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