Our Cartoon President (2017) s03e03 Episode Script

Election Security

1 [KLOBUCHAR.]
Good thing the Iowa Democrats used that fun new computer app.
How else would we take a head count in a fucking gym?! That stinkin' app! I was really looking forward to knowing precisely how much my campaign was imploding! Whoa, whoa! They rigged this thing against me.
What a shock.
What are they gonna do in New Hampshire? Burn down the state? Hey, I had a great time in Iowa.
I got to stay in a hotel! Joe, what the fuck are you so excited about? You came in fourth.
I'm fine, as long as I don't go over 21.
Jesus! The only person more demented than you is Pete Buttigieg.
- Bonjour, mi amigos.
- [ALL EXCEPT BIDEN GROAN.]
So, who wants to make their case for V.
P.
first? Oh, oh, how about me? Name Amy.
Skills Blunt-force trauma! And to think I was gonna make you the Secretary of Pete Buttigieg Aggrandizement.
Wow! That word was huge! I want to be that word! Sleep in a big old bed.
Jesus Christ! Anyway, got to slap on some aviators and let my staffers lead me around like a circus bear.
You're still sitting there, buddy.
And I ain't going nowhere.
It's time to put my third-place finish in Iowa behind us and focus on my big, upcoming third-place finish in New Hampshire.
Ah, New Hampshire, where I'm polling second, or as I call it, a landslide victory.
Hey, Mike Boomberg! Hey, Boomberg! Hi, fellow front runners, and Amy.
Suck my dick! Okay.
So, I just bought this hotel, and I'm about to implode it and turn it into a 50-foot plasma TV that plays my ads 24/7.
Big TV! Wow! I sprung for motion smoothing to make everything look bad.
I want people to vote for me with disgust in their hearts.
You all have 10 seconds before you turn into a big TV.
[ALL SCREAMING.]
[SANDERS.]
Tom Perez did this, I know it! Bailey, get back here with my DNA test.
[DOG WHIMPERS.]
NEWS THEME I'm Anderson Cooper, and the one time I tried Dr Pepper, it almost killed me.
- Authorities suspect Russian hackers - are behind the purge of California voter rolls that left the state with only one registered voter: a 72-year-old Republican named Jasper.
Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer have vowed to pass a bill that strengthens election security beyond the single download of Norton Antivirus being shared among all 50 states.
Go, Russia, go! Kids, I think this election's in the bag.
I hope so.
If you lose and go to jail, who will look after me and my wife and kids? Are you high, Dad? Your poll numbers eat ass.
If you don't cheat big time, never again shall the scrotum-vein bursting victory cheers of 2016 land upon thy ears.
Ah, the only thing better than the cheers were the tears.
Everyone was watching Fox News, but I was glued to the other guys.
That was the real victory: watching all those people fall apart at the seams for underestimating my DiCaprio-like charisma.
I don't need to cheat.
I'll just run on my sterling record of saying and doing whatever.
JAUNTY MUSIC I think the media has done a disservice to me by focusing on my youth, Harvard education, and mastery of seven languages.
Hello! I also served in Afghanistan where I held a big gun! Let's check out that photo again.
- Wow! - That is a big gun! [WOMAN.]
Nice gun! Lis Smith, Pete's campaign manager here.
Any questions before we hand out some of Pete's favorite report cards? - Pete! - You look like my nephew.
- Hey, Pete! - Yeah, I have a question.
You really think you're qualified to be President when you're, like, just a mayor? [CROWD MURMURING.]
Hey, let's look at that gun again! - Ooh! - [CROWD CHANTING "GUN! GUN!".]
Abort, abort! I think we should hold our re-election party at the Javits Center.
Just to really twist the knife into Hillary Clinton for old time's sake.
You old softie, you're so sentimental.
Wow, must be a grassroots rally for me.
Always nice to see my name when it's not being defecated on in a Liveleak video.
[GASPS.]
Hey, can we add villagers to the big gun photo, make it seem like there's not a Pizza Hut just out of frame? Sure, but more importantly, we have to distract the voters from realizing that you're an unqualified small-time mayor.
The voters accepted me for being gay.
Surely this isn't beyond the pale.
People love that you're gay! You're the gay, Christian, liberal, war-loving, smart guy from Hicktown they've been waiting for.
Pete, I'm your husband, and I love you not because of your mayoral past, but in spite of it.
I tell my friends you make a living pawning stolen Afghani relics.
But if voters focus on the mayor thing, all they'll see is Bill de Blasio.
Loser! Sorry, that's like a sneeze.
I can't help it.
[PRESIDENT TRUMP.]
They're gonna steal the election by getting more people to vote for their side than mine! This is not the America those Kurds you abandoned fought for.
And the Feds turn a blind eye.
How do we stand a chance against this kind of brazen election fraud? Don't worry.
We can still count on the Electoral College to shut all that down.
That stupid Electoral College failed me in the midterms.
I didn't get a single vote.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[ANNOUNCER.]
And that concludes our Democratic Forum on healthcare.
Thank you, candidates! That was fun.
Nothing like telling the middle part of a half a dozen anecdotes, then being declared presidential because I didn't call the moderator "Nurse".
You called me "nurse".
Several times.
Can we wrap this up? I'm on borrowed time.
Hey, Joe, I was hoping for some advice, one big-money centrist to another? See, I'm a mayor, and Whoa, whoa, whoa, folks, you're just a mayor? I thought "Mayor Pete" was an ironic nickname.
I worry this mayor unpleasantness could distract from my actual qualifications, like how I order pizza from Little Caesars in fluent Italian.
Don't worry bout it, kid.
You'll be fine as long as you don't tell anyone who would betray you in a heartbeat.
Thanks, Joe.
You'll be fine as long as you don't tell anyone who would betray you in a heartbeat.
- Thanks, Joe.
- [BIDEN.]
Start recording! Pete Buttigieg is nothing but a podunk mayor! - A mayor, folks! - - Spends all day waving on parade floats, - announcing snow days, bending over backwards just to get a new Kohl's to open up on I-31.
Mayor stuff, you know! Look, if you're a billionaire, quit giving money to this kid.
Give it to me! I'll do whatever you want! I'm Joe Biden and I approve this message.
Hey! Get that on TV.
He had to rub it in that the Kohl's deal fell through.
[PRESIDENT TRUMP.]
I come to you with grave news, Mr.
President.
The Democrats are registering voters, a clear threat to all that you and the other Founding Fathers intended.
I ask for your wisdom and guidance.
And I have money if that's what you want.
Dad, don't be a dumb shit.
- How did you find me? - You sent out ten tweets saying what a dump this church is.
Look, if you want to win again, don't ask these quiet statue guys for help.
Ask the other guys.
The foreign guys.
It's just I was already impeached for my perfect call with Ukraine.
Then they'd never suspect you could be that stupid to collude again, again.
Prove to them you're that stupid, Dad.
If things get rough, you can always call that Russian lady lawyer I tried to collude with.
Okay, Don.
I'll collude with the Russians again, and I'll make sure this election is as insecure as Chris Christie at a pool party! Nice burn! He's not even in public life anymore! INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC Because I care so much about election security, I fired the 40 professionals in charge of it and replaced them with my own crack team.
Say hello to your new Election Security Task Force! Ben Carson, tell the people how you're gonna safeguard our elections.
Do we get Election Security Task Force jackets? Ben, we're convincing the country we have the elections locked down.
Now I want a jacket.
If you don't get us jackets, we're all gonna suffocate ourselves.
That's too bad because I'm not getting you jackets.
1989, Morgan Stanley buys every employee a fleece jacket with a logo on the breast.
Hand to God, the stock rocketed up a half point.
I assume there was a bag of cocaine in the pocket? And I assume there'd be one in ours.
- Where is it? - Let's just move on.
Move on after what just transpired? You listen to me, young man.
Wilbur, I'll give you a billion dollars if you tell me what year it is.
It's 1989, and Morgan Stanley is the talk of the town.
[ALL CHANTING "JACKETS! JACKETS!".]
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
[CLINTON.]
Well, you're early! Luckily, I've been shaved and ready to go since breakf Pete Buttigieg? Sorry, thought you were someone else.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm always happy to help a promising up-and-comer being unjustly harmed by a scandal of his own making.
I just don't want voters to focus on how I'm trying to be President when I've only ever been a mayor.
Pete, I have been party to acts of darkness so inconceivable that I hesitate to give them a name.
But jumping from mayor to President? You're on another level, buddy.
Now, how many people can verify this mayor thing? I guess all 110,000 citizens of South Bend? That's way too many suicides to fake.
When you're backed into a corner, you gotta just stand tall, look the American people in the eye, and deny it till your very last breath.
I'm going to say this again: I have not had mayoral relations with that city.
During this alleged "Mayorship", I was in Afghanistan, fighting for people to take pictures of me.
Do you really think Jennifer Aniston would donate $250 to a mayor? We need to focus on the issues; not unfounded rumors that, as mayor, I once posed with an orange tabby named Mr.
Fatso the Catso on Founder's Day.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
What if they find out I'm lying? The American people love being lied to.
It shows you must care what they think of you.
It's a sick, sexy game, and I do love it so.
[PRESIDENT TRUMP.]
I could use some foreign assistance, but I need a go-between, so I sent someone very discreet and careful with his words.
I got this.
Happy to take a break from my divorce proceeding.
She said I get the beach house if I stop inviting her sisters to go dancing.
I don't think so, sweetheart.
Come to me when you have a real offer.
Go ahead, Rudy.
It's illegal to ask for Russia's help, so I'm not asking.
I'm begging.
I'll do whatever you want.
I'm incapable of debasing myself.
That ship has sailed.
Stay on topic, Rudy.
We could look into some of Trump's opponents' e-mails.
E-mails! I tried to hack into my soon-to-be-ex-wife's account, but that AOL is a fortress.
You think your goons could follow her around, set up some cameras in her tanning bed? Hey, follow my first two wives around while you're at it.
I'd love to know how they're doing.
This is a top priority, got it? Okay, now, my second wife, she takes Pilates down at the Gramercy Park Equinox.
[BOTH GROAN.]
[CLINTON.]
That was perfect, Pete.
Alright, it's time to admit you were a mayor.
What? I just looked the American people in the eye and denied it.
I know, right? It's messed up, but the heart of the American people wants what it wants.
Now read the prompter.
Good evening.
As you know, a few hours ago, I denied that I had ever served as a mayor.
- While my answers were - Oh, my God, this is so great.
legally accurate, I did not volunteer information.
Disgusting and delicious at the same time.
They are lapping it up, Pete.
Indeed, I did have a mayorship that was not appropriate.
[SLURPING.]
[ALL.]
Whoa! If his husband's fine with it, I'm fine it.
- SAXOPHONE MUSIC - Being a mayor constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on my part - This is so bad! - for which I am solely - and completely responsible.
- We are true animals! But it is in the past and it's time to move on.
Cut! Nailed it, compadre.
What happened to you after your confession? Remind me because I was busy acing grade school.
Short-term: impeached.
Long-term: borderline criminal tolerance of my behavior.
DRAMATIC MUSIC [CONWAY.]
Russia hacked Elizabeth Warren's e-mails, but the raciest tidbit was her asking her doctor if drinking half a beer a year means she has a problem.
We're boned on social media, too.
Every time I post that Hunter Biden doesn't shave his butthole [CHUCKLES.]
my Facebook gets locked.
And to reactivate it, I have to call a phone number! It sucks so much! Jesus, who knew stealing an election could be so hard? [MCCONNELL.]
It doesn't have to be.
[ALL SCREAM.]
That is so alpha! You're my best friend.
You, me, Vegas, when our schedules line up.
You need to stop bending the rules and start ignoring them entirely.
I can pass a bill that will deliver you a win margin that President Assad - could only dream of.
- But what about Don't worry about the Democrats.
There's nothing they won't do in the spirit of bipartisanship.
I was actually just gonna ask about election-day snacks, but that's good, too.
[PENCE.]
And the Republican-authored Election Security Bill has passed.
[GAVEL BANGS.]
It requires all voting machine servers to be located somewhere around here.
The President will sign the bill at a special ceremony at the Javits Center because he thinks it would be funny.
[APPLAUSE.]
What a win for bipartisanship! We haven't read the bill yet, but it's got the word "security" in the title, so we're confident it'll get the job done.
Looks like it worked! To dump the mayor label, I just had to give so many head-spinning explanations, - the voters became car-sick.
- Great.
Now would you stop your little unceasing quest for power before you turn into Bill Clinton.
I am not going to turn into Bill Clinton.
Matchy-matchy! It's celebration time.
There's a party jet ready to take us to an undisclosed Caribbean island, and it's got your name on it.
- Really? - Not your real name, just the alias you've been assigned this trip.
That cool with you, Blampton K.
Lutherman? So I got this bill signing soon and just wanted to see if you're cooking anything up - for the election.
- Why bother! Now that the fix is in, the Democrats won't even show up.
You should treat yourself.
Go buy another really, really big suit.
But I really wanted the Democrats to try.
If they already know I'll win, I might not see them on election night flailing around like traumatized guppies.
Jesus, what did your father do to you? MELANCHOLY MUSIC [BUTTIGIEG.]
Could you scoot over, Dershowitz? Your knees are touching mine.
Congratulations, Petey.
Visiting infamous island getaways is the reward for a life of unchecked ambition and calculated ladder climbing.
Which island are we going to again? A little place a friend left me in his will.
Don't worry.
It's still not clear which country has legal jurisdiction.
But I built my résumé because I wanted to be President.
Not to fly to creepy islands on private planes.
You were always trying to get on this plane, Pete.
Whenever we acquire power for no reason other than the delusion that we deserve it, we take one step closer to that runway.
Almost there.
Everyone pull a burlap sack over your head so you can't provide the island's coordinates under interrogation.
Yeah, Bill you don't have to say it every time.
This isn't why I held a big gun! [CONWAY, MILLER, MNUCHIN, PENCE, POMPEO.]
Surprise! For he's a two-term President For he's a two-term President Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold it, stop! You should be out there making it look like this election is still a 50-50 death match between a bully who's just in it for the money and me, a scrappy orphan from Brooklyn with sad puppy eyes and his drunk dad's left hook.
Once you sign the bill, the election's over, numbnuts.
We wanted to have the victory party now, in case Pompeo pops shrieking at Terry Gross.
- At least my election security task force - is still working hard for me.
Election Security task force, ten hut! Aren't you all looking like a million bucks! That's because our jackets cost the taxpayer more than all the furniture in my office combined.
I chose the fabric, Ben chose the font, and Wilbur Ross reminisced about V.
J.
Day! And I chose the stuff in the pockets.
Put that in my lower-third.
I chose the flake.
Yeah! There's my third.
- Look what daddy did.
- Read his third.
That shit should be a higher third.
Oh, yeah.
First higher third in the history of the news.
It all means nothing if the election is rigged and everyone knows it.
I don't want a party or a banner or a cake.
We didn't bring a cake.
You didn't bring a cake?! [CRYING.]
I did buy a cake, but I forgot it on the roof of my car when I drove in.
My rear windshield is delicious.
[SMITH.]
What happened to your island getaway? I bailed.
But I kept my eyes closed on the way down so I don't know the island's location and the Clintons have no reason to silence me.
Good thinking, but we can no longer push you as the fresh, young outsider now that you've shared airport nachos - with Alan Dershowitz.
- What a mess.
Chasten, let's go home and stare at the big gun photo.
Actually, my own profile has been blowing up lately.
I'm doing an Instagram story with Carly Rae Jepsen today, and I really can't be dogged by any Clinton stuff.
Fine.
If I'm not needed here, why don't I just go back to South Bend! Oh, you can never go back there.
They burn you in effigy every week.
It's actually really brought the town together.
- Today I actually read - the so-called "election security bill" and, as soon as Trump signs it, the 2020 election is over.
Rather than confront reality, I will pen the next great American novel.
We begin with a girl named "Rachel", whose world is bursting into flames.
Okay, this officially sucks, Dad! My tweets used to get a million replies saying my dad doesn't love me and I should swallow my own ass! Now that the left has given up, my replies are a ghost town.
What if when the ghosts are through with Don, they come find me? That's it.
I'm not signing the bill.
I just gotta figure out how to tell McConnell.
Tell me what? - Aah! - Oh, hey.
Oh, you know, Mitch, this bill is so great that I don't even think we need the bill.
Oh, you don't understand.
You're the most damaged presidential candidate to ever seek re-election.
You've been impeached, revived ISIS, and there's a slew of Trump impersonators earning a handsome living letting strangers punch them in the face.
Were the insults necessary? Your feelings mean nothing to me.
[ALL GASP.]
My purpose is to secure Republican power no matter how, why, or what societal foundations are obliterated in the process.
Donald, you will sign that bill.
[THUNDER CRASHES.]
Mitch, you dog! Check it out.
I know a guy in Vegas who can get us drugs.
DRAMATIC MUSIC So I give Mary Lou Retton a good solid jolt to the ribs and a hunk of food flies out of her mouth.
And guess what she was eating the night before she won gold.
Go on, guess.
I know the crowd's light tonight because everyone thinks the election's in the bag, but we can still have fun, right? Spaghetti? No, you nitwit! Who chokes on spaghetti? It was pork chops.
I know a good happy hour tonight.
Hey, you in the back.
You wanna pay attention? We're custodians, man.
Yeah, we don't have to pay attention.
Hey, shut up! - That's the President! - You shut up! [BOTH.]
No, you shut up! [BOTH.]
No, you shut up! I'll tear your ass apart ass by ass! You wanna go? That it, you wanna go? Anthony, no.
Think of your parole.
Fuck my parole! Penalties are too harsh for spray-painting "Orgy Headquarters" on your ex-wife's garage.
[TODD.]
And we now return to our canbidate town hall in progress.
Hey, just so you guys know, "candidate" was misspelled in the prompter.
It appears Mayor Bill De Blasio snuck onto the stage during the commercial break.
What brings you here from the big old apple tree? I figured I'd just kind of hang around, let you guys battle it out for the De Blasio endorsement.
[LAUGHTER.]
Wow, a mayor's endorsement! I'd rather eat what Bailey left in the yard last night.
"Duhrrr, I'm Mayor De Blasio and my job is opening new bike lanes".
[LAUGHTER.]
Hey, Buttigieg, that mayor stuff's behind you.
We've tee'd him up.
Now hit it out of the park.
Well, De Blasio, you're nothing but a mayor, which is a commendable job that's really hard to do.
If you're a dumb loser.
[LAUGHTER.]
Hey, De Blasio, what's the matter? Can't get funding for your umpteenth dog park? [LAUGHTER.]
You're such a mayor, I bet you stay up all night worried your unaudited actual property tax revenue won't meet the adopted forecast for the city's fiscal quarter! Oh! - [LAUGHTER.]
- [MAN.]
Kind of a thinker! MID-TEMPO MUSIC [BEEPING.]
This is Natalia Veselnitskaya.
This call may be recorded for incriminating purposes.
[DEEP VOICE.]
Hey, you should make the presidential race competitive by digging up dirt on Donald Trump.
I'm pretty sure he laundered money for the Russians.
Donald, I know it's you.
You're the only one on Earth who sounds like you.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Damn it! Oh! [WASHINGTON.]
Donald.
Dooonald! George Washington? You were an American political leader, statesman, and Founding Father.
I know you're reading from Wikipedia.
I guess you're angry that I'm trying to deny millions of Democrats their right to vote.
On the contrary, we founded this country with the intention of limiting voter turnout to no more than could fit in a single barn.
I was elevated to the presidency by an electorate consisting of two dozen landowners and one alleged libidinous deviant named Ben Franklin.
Our Ben Franklin is named Alan Dershowitz.
But we concealed this imbalance of power by weaving into our Constitution a great tapestry of rules, tricking the common man into believing all was fair.
That tapestry is shredded by Sir McConnell's bill.
But if I don't sign that bill, I'll lose.
Sign that bill and your victory will be a hollow one.
Don't sign, and you may risk defeat unless you try winning the American way: by searching the Constitution for ways to let as few non-white people vote as possible.
The choice is yours.
TRIUMPHANT MUSIC [GLASS SHATTERS.]
Hope that didn't hurt.
Totally fine, sir.
I can't feel a thing from my gums to my toes.
[SOBBING.]
I am! I'm more than a mayor! At what cost, Pete? At what cost? What are you doing here, Bill? I didn't see anything and, even if I did, I'd never talk.
We had to make an emergency landing after your little stunt depressurized the cabin.
An FBI plane was on the runway.
Thought they'd arrest us, but they just asked us for autographs.
My comeuppance just won't come up! That's pretty fucked up.
Hey, I'm sorry for dragging you on that plane.
When I thought I saw myself in you, it was just the politically savvy, ladder-climbing parts.
Not the super cool dude parts.
Thanks.
Do you think people will look past all of my deception? When you show them your flaws, they love you even more.
Speaking as someone who was elected President with countless rock-solid accusations dogging me, voters will accept anything, even this.
Found it in your carry-on.
Hope you don't mind if we use it to wipe our fingerprints off everything we touched in that jet plane.
[CROWD CHEERING.]
[MCCONNELL.]
You spared no expense.
Nice touch to have the monitors replay the 2016 cable news footage.
[PRESIDENT TRUMP.]
They were really thrown.
Remember how, by midnight, Steve Kornacki was waving a meat cleaver around the office? Oh, well, let's get this over with so I win.
[CROWD CHEERING.]
This bill guarantees that never again will we endure the stress of not knowing the final outcome of the presidential election.
Donald Trump has been elected President of the United States? - And I'm not signing it.
- [CROWD GASPS.]
I'm vetoing McConnell's bill.
We need election rules that appear fair so losers try really hard and feel terrible when they lose.
Do we want to live in a world where they announce I'm the President as if it's a foregone conclusion, without that pathetic gasp of soul-crushing terror? Ah, your beauty is wasted on them, Mitch.
You're an angel in a world that won't let you fly.
I've got the Constitution on my side.
No one understands it except my legion of maniacally conservative judges, which means it says whatever I want it to say.
And if Democrats try to steal this election by getting more people to vote, I'll win the right way: by making it as difficult as possible - for them to vote at all! - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
That's why I refuse to sign this stupid bill.
[CROWD GASPS.]
Crap, I ripped the wrong one.
Does anyone have any Scotch tape? The Trump administration has announced support - for a New Voting Rights Act.
- "All voters must show ID indicating their bloodline traces back to one of the seven Mayflower passengers, and all Miami voting booths are located in the middle of an active racetrack".
Which, according to the Supreme Court, is somehow within the bounds of the Constitution.
Okay, who drank all my scotch? And if you say it was me, you're fired.
Big ups to the Founding Fathers, boys.
They made it so guys like us can gaslight the public into thinking elections aren't rigged against them.
Is it fair that so many Democratic districts' polling places are now near active volcanoes? No, it's not fair, Eric.
It's awesome.
By the way, never go to Vegas with McConnell.
The whole time, he was just on the phone with Elaine Chao, telling her how much he missed her, but in, like, a disingenuous performative way.
Speaking of Democrats, today Pete Buttigieg delivered a speech from South Bend, Indiana, that took more than a few of us by surprise.
I was worried voters would never vote for a mayor as President, but Bill Clinton's and Donald Trump's election victories prove that Americans believe in their democracy, no matter what kind of power-hungry psycho it spits out.
If anything, as a mayor, I'm over-qualified.
Which is why I'm announcing my candidacy for Secretary General of the United Nations.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
But enough about me! This Auto Zone is now open for business! ['80S-STYLE POP MUSIC PLAYS.]
Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump is the president Is Donald Trump the president? Yes, he is Yes, he is, we elected him president Is Donald Trump the president? Yes, he is We had a vote and elected him president Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump He is our president We made him president We did it Donald Trump is the president We elected Donald Trump Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump is the president Yeah Trump!